kickoff 2016 (two months early!) stevo's nfl coaches power poll, part dos ...

“I’ve been searching,

For a pot of gold –

Like the kind you find?

At the end of the rainbow.

I’ve been dreaming;

But it was in vain.

Ah, but now you’re here –

Can’t believe that you’re back again!

Now I know I can’t lose!

As long as you follow!

I’m gonna win!  (I’m gonna win!)

I’m gonna beg, steal or borrow!

As long as you follow …”

-- “As Long As You Follow” by Fleetwood Mac, the most underrated song this band ever did.  And that’s saying something.

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In case you missed it, here’s Part Uno of Stevo’s (Probably Final) NFL Coaches Power Poll, 2016 Edition.

(late 1980s nbc announcer voice) And now, the conclusion, to Coachapalooza 2016 …

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10 (14).  Jack “Of The River”, the evil empire.  Here’s the scary thing, Chiefs fans: “Of The River” is a damned good coach … and a damned good rebuilder.  oakland will always be the ass crack of America *, but they won’t be the laughing stock of the AFC for much longer.

(*: this is settled debate: oakland is America’s ass crack, and buffalo is America’s arm pit.  Which makes Detroit what?  America’s genital wart?)

9 (12).  Chuck “Strong” Pagano, Indianapolis Colts.  If, as I noted last year, he was ranked four spots too low?  He’s still four spots too low.  His team took the field in Week Seventeen still mathematically alive for the AFC KinderCare South  Division championship, despite starting 492 year old Matt Hasselbeck half the season!  Despite having no running game! 

You want to know what “dodging the proverbial bullet” is, Chiefs fans?  Realize this: if the Colts don’t blow that late lead in Carolina on that Monday Nighter in early November, and hold on to win (rather than lose in overtime)?

It’s KC at Indy to open the playoffs … not KC at Houston.

I was there in Houston.  I will NEVER forget the pure tears of joy streaming down my face, as “Holiday” by Green Day began blaring through the PA system at a (still very much filled up with Chiefs fans) NRG Stadium, that magical Saturday afternoon. 

And I was there two years earlier, a day after I turned 37, as the Chiefs – holding damned near the SAME EXACT LEAD IN THE SECOND HALF … p*ssed it away to the Colts, on a tragic Saturday afternoon. **

Which outcome do you think happens on January 9, 2016, if the Chiefs are at Indianapolis, instead of Houston?

(**: I guess this is where I note, I hate -- I f*cking hate! -- that the last time I saw a great friend who died too young .. and way too g*ddamned f*cking estranged from so many people who truly loved him -- for the final time, until I passed his casket four months later?  

Was at this game.  

I thought a lot of Bill over the last couple weeks, as I helped the Second Parents get the pool decks ready for the summer ... because his wife finally decided to begin to move on.

Sometimes moving on?  Means you let go of people.  I get that.  Jesus, do I get that.

But sometimes?  To move on?  You have to admit, in the words of "the coward", on Friday, November 22, 2009:

"Dude?  I f*cked up.  And I'm sorry."

Bill's wife took that first step this week, even if she didn't realize, how amazing that step was.  Trust me V -- we got it, and we're damned thankful for it.

Because the lesson is?  If someone matters to you?  Don't f*ck it up.  (Wo)Manhood up, Maturity up, and own your choices in life, no matter which side of the debate, you are on.)

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(Note: I will be attending the roadies in both venues this fall – Week Two at Houston, Week Eight at Indy.  Given the Chiefs record in road games I attend (it’s brutal)?  I apologize in advance.)

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8 (NR).  Hue Jackson, Cleveland Browns.  Your 2016 “Wayne Fontes Memorial” Head Coach.

In case you’ve forgotten … Hue Jackson is who I wanted the Chiefs to hire, when “Coach Buffoon” was fired three offseasons ago.  I think what he accomplished with the evil empire in 2011 is nothing short of phenomenal.  Entering Week 16 at Arrowhead?  The Chiefs controlled their own destiny in the AFC West, after opening 0-3, collapsing to 4-7, then 5-8 – still controlled their own destiny.  Exiting Week 16?  The raiders controlled their own destiny in the AFC West, after one of the most ballsy play calls you’ll ever see – a 55 yard bomb against the Chiefs best corner (Brandon Carr) to the raiders worst receiver (heyward bey) to open overtime.

Firing hue jackson after one season?  Is the single dumbest thing the raiders have done in twenty years.  And I am fully aware that in the last twenty years, the evil empire has:

* “traded” / fired Jon Gruden.

* hired “Sur” William Callahan.

* hired Norval Eugene Turner.

* hired Art Shell “Face”.

* drafted JaMarcus Russell number one.

* drafted Rolando McClain.

* hired “Drunk” Dennis Allen.

* hired Lane Kiffin.

* had the “al davis presser” where Lane Kiffin was fired with cause.

* had Barrett Robbins in Tijuana happen.

* had Brett Favre throwing 4 TDs in a half happen.

* have not posted a winning season since 2002.

* have gone 6-0 against the division … and finished .500 (2010).

* p*ssed away a division title at home in Week 17 (2011).

And as for Chiefs outcomes?

* seen a Pete for President 46 yarder as time expired to lose (1999).

* lost on a false start call on a wide receiver (2002).

* had tim brown tackled at the goalline to lose (2003).

* seen Morten Anderson kick a 30 yarder as time expired to lose (2003).

* seen the Chiefs overcome a 14 point deficit with 4 to play to lose (2004).

* lost on a Lawrence Tynes 41 yarder as time expired (2004).

* lost on a Randy Moss dropped pass in the end zone on 4^th and goal (2005).

* allowed a LJ TD as time expired to lose (2005).

* thrown an INT to Jarrad Page as time expired to lose (2006).

* lost to a 1-10 Chiefs squad (2009).

* lost via four Carson Palmer INTs in his debut (2011).

* had to play a 3^rd and 48 (2013).

* gave up 5 TDs to Jamaal Charles (2013).

* saw derek carr throw two pick sixes in the 4^th quarter (2015).

And most thankfully for every person to ever draw breath?

* won on an incredible 80 plus yard run for a handoff, in which Chiefs S Eric Berry “lost his breath” while chasing said raider running back (2014).  Mr. Berry had tests after the game.

Tests that saved his life, as the cancer was discovered.

I can’t hate oakland anymore folks.  I’m sorry.  I’ll continue to try … but if they DON’T win that game in Week 11 2014, due to Mr. Berry’s (at the time) inexcusable (and in hindsight) completely understandable inability, to tackle a running back seven yards past the line to gain?  Is Mr. Berry’s illness caught in time?

That play cost the 2014 Chiefs the playoffs … but it saved the life of one of the not quite finest – but not yet greatest – to ever wear the Red and Gold.

Remind me again – who says there never has been, never is, and never will be, any such thing as coincidence?

(Oh, right – that’s me).

(Pause).

What?

(Pause).

Oh, the point?

Hue Jackson is a damned good coach.  And it pains me, to not be able to rank him ahead of “Fat” Andy.  Because I did rank him ahead of him, three years ago … and truth be told, Hue has done nothing to justify moving behind him, three years later.

But “Fat” Andy has proven, at least for now, he belongs head of Hue, in the Power Poll Rankings.

7 (3).  John Harbaugh, Baltimore Ravens.  This will be the season that defines Steve Biscotti’s reign as owner of the Ravens.  He (and many other owners) have always noted how much they admire the way the Rooney’s run things in Pittsburgh (and deservedly so). 

John Harbaugh has done NOTHING to justify unemployment, save for last season.  Just like Brian Billick before him, did nothing to justify unemployment, other than his final season.  Mr. Biscotti at least learned the lesson there – don’t let one god-awful season derailed by injuries – be the body of work; let it be the outlier.

But can he learn the ultimate lesson the Rooney’s get?  That two down seasons, mean its time to rebuild … and if you have a guy already in place who you can see leading the rebuild back to greatness, then why fire him for an unproven commodity?

(A lesson every Chiefs fan has been painfully acknowledging, since 1974.)

6 (13).  Mike Zimmer, Minnesota Vikings.  Why the Bengals are the Bengals: their two coordinators for the better part of this decade so far?

Are more respected, than their head coach, at least in this poll.

And it’s not like Marvin Lewis deserves disrespect.

Seriously – when Marvin Lewis is your coach, Hue Jackson (and Jay Gruden) coordinate your offense, and Mike Zimmer oversees your defense, and you STILL can’t win a playoff game?

The problem ain’t your coordinators.

5 (8).  Mike Tomlin, Pittsburgh Steelers.

It’s perhaps fitting, that his last three playoff chances, have ridden on his fate, with the Chiefs.

In 2013, he needed the Chiefs to beat the Chargers in the finale.  The Chiefs sat everyone worth mentioning … and still almost won.  (They lost in overtime after Ryan “Suck”up missed a 41 yarder as time expired … and San Diego faked a punt for a first down, in overtime.  In the Chiefs defense?  (a) They had nothing to play for – no matter what, they were the five seed, and (b) it screwed our true second bitter rival, so more power to us! #sorryoakland #youretoosorrytobearivalanymore).

In 2014, he needed the Chiefs to lose in Pittsburgh … which we bent over and took, in Week Sixteen, one of the ten most pivotal games in franchise history (during the regular season).

In 2015, he needed a Chiefs win (or a Jets loss) to clinch an improbable playoff berth … and damned if both my team didn’t oblige – via a no-show in Buffalo (Jets), and a far (the late, great ted knight voice) too close for comfort Chiefs win over the evil empire.

It’s also probably fitting, his offensive coordinator in most of those years?

Is “Coach Hobo” (aka Todd Haley) … who is going to coach one of these thirty two teams that occupy the League, next year.

I just hope and pray, it isn’t the San Diego / Los Angeles / Insert Destination City Here “Super” Chargers.

4 (5).  Bruce Arians, Arizona “Super” Cardinals.  From this point on?  It gets impossible.

The Top Four this year?  Are four of the top five from last year.

And not a single one of them, did anything to discredit their ranking.

If anything?  They all strengthened it.

(The only one of last year’s top five to “tumble”?  Was John Harbaugh, from three to seven.)

I choose to keep “Fat” Andy above Bruce Arians, solely and completely because the Chiefs playoff victory left no room to doubt, who was the better team on the field that day.

Bruce Arians’ playoff victory?  Also left no room to doubt, who was the better team on the field that day… but they still gave up the Hail Mary, that forced overtime.

If the Jamaal Charles fumble in Week Two doomed the Chiefs season (and it did, ultimately)?  At least that was completely unforeseen.

Aaron Rodgers nailing a miracle Hail Mary pass as time expired to force overtime?

Happened not even six weeks earlier.

That’s Coaching Failure 101, to prevent the second occurrence.

Other than that?  (jose voice) I got nothin’, yo.

3 (4).  “Fat” Andy Reid, Kansas City Chiefs.

When you see (and if you’ve followed along, you know who the two remaining coaches are), when you see who numero uno is?

Every Chiefs fan will agree, that guy is better than our guy.

After all – that guy?  Beat our guy, in a Super Bowl.

It’s defending numero dos over “Fat” Andy, given the fact that “Fat” Andy’s team took numero dos’ team to the woodshed and gave it the business twice last season **, that I’m scrambling to defend.

(Pause).

Do I really have to say it?

(Pause).

Fine.

Brian Hoyer!

2 (2).  Bill O’Brien, Houston Texans.

I know of at least ten friends at that playoff game with me – all of them considered family.  Mona.  Russ.  Ryan.  The awesome Alyssa.  Tyler.  Ron.  Michelle.  Anthony.  Jaimmie.  Miranda. 

I can guarantee you, all ten of us, saw that outcome coming.  (After all, why else spend $500 plus / person on a weekend gone incredibly great?)

I can also guarantee you, I’m not the only one, who could not figure out why the Chiefs couldn’t put those people away, no matter how much we threw at them.

I can also guarantee you, the same ten people?

Thought the same godd*mned thing, four months earlier, in the season opener.

Bill O’Brien has made chicken salad out of chicken sh*t everywhere he has been.  Penn State?  Bowl eligible despise the Paterno scandal.  Houston?  Two straight nine win seasons with “Worse Than 2012 Chiefs Crap” under center, including (a) being the first team out (2015), and (b) winning the damned division (2015).

Let that sink in, Chiefs fans – Bill O’Brien won a division, after opening 2-5 … with Brian Hoyer under center.

I both personally love (Josh McDaniels) and hate (Scott Pioli) that the Belichick coaching tree is a “failure” in most eyes.

Folks?

Bill O’Brien came from Belichick’s Patriots.

Saved Penn State football.

And somehow, has overcome the rot-gut stench that is his GM (Rick “32 GM” Smith), to post back to back winning seasons, with a home playoff game thrown in.

I defy you to find me even two coaches listed previously, who could win a division with Brian Hoyer, Ryan Mallett, and other assorted crap at quarterback.

In fact?

I can only think of one.

1 (1).  Bill Belichick, New England Patriots. 

If you want to argue he’s the greatest ever?

Even this blinded Chuck Noll defender, will at least have to consider the motion under advisement …

kickoff 2016 (two months early!): stevo's nfl coaches power poll, part uno ...

"So this is where it ends?

This is where it all goes down?

This is what I don't love you,

Feels like?

It ain't the middle of the night,

And it ain't even raining outside!

It ain't exactly what I had in mind,

For goodbye ...

At a red light!

In the sunshine!

On a Sunday, nothing to say --

Don't even try!

Some are coming home;

Some are leaving town!

While my world's crashing down,

On a Sunday, in the sunshine?

At a red light ..."

-- "Red Light" by David Nail.

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Do you realize that exactly fifty nine days from right now, we’ll be exiting the Truman Sports Complex, having witnessed the first preseason game of the season?

(And thanks again, NFL schedule gurus, for scheduling a preseason game … in Kansas City … in August … for a 3:30pm kickoff.  Jesus.  I mean, it’s going to be 101 tomorrow – 101!  On the sixteenth of June!  It might be 112 come August 13^th!  (Pause).  Not that I have a problem with that.  No, seriously, it’s one of my rules in life: any day hot enough when you wake up, that the thought of putting ON a t-shirt seems like the most ridiculous idea in the world?  Is a perfect weather day.)

In the interest of fairness and honesty – only one of those of which I can credibly be accused of living my life with – this is highly likely to be the last Chiefs season covered on this site.  I honestly don’t have the free time I used to, to be able to post.  I don’t have the desire I used to have, to crank out this poorly written stuff that about 15 people on an average day read.  (bruce willis in “armageddon” voice) No, not poor – I said p*ss poor!  Thanks Bruce.  You’re the best.

But if the end is near, then let’s close this down properly … with the one annual gift to you I have almost never failed to provide: Stevo’s NFL Coaches Power Poll!!!!

As always, the ground rule reminders:

1. These are my rankings.  They are based on nothing but my opinion of these 32 men who grace our sidelines and our televisions every Sunday from September to New Year’s.

2. A 1 ranking means I think you are Chuck Noll good.  (I believe Mr. Noll is the greatest coach in NFL history.  Deal with it.)  A 32 ranking means you are in the company of such fine, fine disgraces such as Rich Kotite, Bruce Coslet, Al Groh, Joe Walton … hell, just pick a Jets coach from the last thirty years not named Bill Parcells, and you can make an argument they’re the worst coach in NFL history.  Including you, Sal Alosi.

3. Every year there is one coach I irrationally love, who is ranked a solid 10-12 spots higher than he probably deserves to be.  We’ll call this dude the “Wayne Fontes Memorial Coach”, out of respect for my favorite head coach in NFL history.

(I mean, how can you hate a guy whose owner, when asked about Mr. Fontes’ status, notes “well, I didn’t fire him, and he didn’t quit, so I guess he’ll be back next year”?  How can you hate a man who inspired Chris Berman’s greatest nickname ever (“Rasputin”)?  How can you hate a man openly mocked by his starting quarterback – who himself was possibly the biggest free agent bust of the 1990s?  (He wasn’t – cue every Jets fan screaming “Neil F*cking O’Donnell!” in unison.  But Scott Mitchell was eight layers of awful.)

And how in the hell can you hate a man whose firing literally caused the greatest running back in NFL history, to say "f*ck it, I quit" in response to said firing?  I'm telling you, Wayne Fontes is highly underrated folks.  Highly underrated.)

Finally …

4. Wherever “Fat” Andy Reid lands?  (And same for every other coach.)  Every coach already listed, I would take “Fat” Andy Reid over.  Every coach that appears after “Fat” Andy?  I’d fire “Fat” Andy to hire.

That, incidentally, is what this entire post is born out of – after the Chiefs beat the donkeys in Week Four 2000, “The Voice of Reason” and I debated whether Gunther Cunningham was actually a decent head coach, or the luckiest sumbeach on the sideline.  So we went through the list of coaches to see where Ol’ Confident and Classy ranked.  I was shocked – shocked! – at how many incompetent idiots ran NFL franchises in 2000.

Sadly, there’s no Mike Martz, Mike Sherman, “The” Art Shell “Face”, “Drunk” Denny Green, “Drunk” Dennis Erickson, Mike “Meathead” Tice, Eric Mangini, “Coach Buffoon”, Mike Nolan, Josh McDaniels, Greg Schiano, Marty Mornhinweg, Rod Marinelli, Norval Eugene Turner, Dom Capers, Scott Linehan, Brad “Chilly” Childress, Dave Campo, or countless other god-awful sh*ttacular coaches from the early 2000s to kick around anymore.

But there is still Numero Thirty Two … who somehow is now coaching his THIRD different franchise, despite enjoying zero success in stops uno and dos!

That seems as good a place as any, to get this thing started …

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Key: Rank (Previous Year’s Rank).  Coach, Team.  Comments / Reasoning.

And here is last year’s Power Poll for the uninformed, and / or the curious:

Part Uno.

Part Dos.

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32 (NR). Mike Mularkey, Tennessee Titans.  How in God’s name is Mike Mularkey running a NFL franchise?  He sh*t the bed in Buffalo, would have probably raped said proverbial bed in Jacksonville if they hadn’t seen the light and pulled the plug after one season … but good ol’ Tennessee, they apparently see something in this failed stench of a coach that no other NFL franchise, or any Tennessee Titans fan, sees. 

Poor Marcus Mariota.  He might regress five seasons by Week Three, under Mr. Mularkey’s coaching acumen and wisdom.

(Also, poor Nicole.  I have a great friend up in Dakotaland, who is a huge Titans fan.  Needless to say, she's not looking forward to December 18th.  And there's no way you can blame her, for dreading that roadie to Arrowhead.)

31 (32).  Jim “Corpse” Caldwell, Detroit Lions.  Ol’ Corpse moves up a spot due solely and completely to Mike Mularkey’s hire in Nashville.  Trust me – Ol’ Corpse has earned his sh*ttacular ranking.  (Cue every Lions fan and Colts fan nodding in abject agreement.)

30 (NR).  Ben McAdoo, New York Giants.  I have very few rules in life, but one I strictly believe in is this: if you’re gonna fire someone?  You’d better make DAMNED sure his or her replacement, is a marked improvement over what you’re letting go.  Ben McAdoo is not an improvement over Tom Coughlin.  Not now, not ever.  Of course, this being the Giants, they’ll keep Mr. McAdoo for six years, post six ten loss seasons, and then extend the guy for another couple years since “he’s turning the corner”.  There’s a difference between loyalty and stupidity, Giants organization.  Stop being stupid.

29 (NR).  Adam Gase, Miami Dolphins.  A two spot rise over his predecessor.  That’s not intended as a compliment.

I hated this hire, by the way.  Mr. Gase may be your stunning poop can, come January 2, 2017.

28 (30).  gary “krap of” kubiak, satan’s squad.  Can we just be honest here?  Son Of Bum is the reason those people won the Lombardi.  (That, and the single most indefensible play of Jamaal Charles’ career.)  “krap of” kubiak was just along for the ride. 

Having said that … am I the only one who thinks those people caught a gigantic break when brock “traitor” osweiler bolted for Houston?  Would you want to pay that cowardly traitor $37 million dollars over the next two years to go (at best) 10-6 and get rolled in the Divisional Round?  You can legitimately argue that cowardly traitor is the WORST starting quarterback in that division.  And until Mr. Luck extends in a month or so, he’s the highest paid starting quarterback in that division.  What a joke.  Houston deserves so much better than Rick Smith at the helm.

(Pause).

What?

(Pause). 

You know, that’s not a bad idea – a Stevo’s NFL GM Power Poll!  Because Ricky?  You’re 32 … and there’s nobody else even in the running, for the “Whoever the Vikings GM in 1989 Was” Memorial worst GM designation, in the league.

(I guess this is where I note, when you run a NFL franchise that wins a division championship not even two years after appearing in a NFC Title Game, and you don't have a Wikipedia page devoted to you?  You're eight layers of sh*ttacular.  Take a bow, Mike Lynn ... whoever you are.)

27 (25).  Dan Quinn, Atlanta Falcons.  Honestly, you could put everyone from about 18 to 27 into a hat, draw out names, and rank them by that method.  These next 8, 9, 10 head coaches are perfectly mediocre.  They’re not going to embarrass you … but they’re not going to inspire you to (the postal service voice) such great heights.

26 (18).  Mike McCoy, San Diego “Super” Chargers.  I actually think Mr. McCoy is a decent head coach.  Sh*t, anyone who can lead an offense led by Our Risen Lord and Savior Timothy R. Tebow to a Divisional Round berth knows his, uuh, sh*t.  But let’s be honest here – the ONLY reason Mr. McCoy is still employed as a head coach, is because the “Super” Chargers had no idea what the future held when last season ended – namely, LA, San Diego, or (keane voice) somewhere only (they) know.  Ditto for the next coach on this list …

25 (16).  Jeff Fisher, Los Angeles Rams.  At some point, looks stop working for you.  (I wouldn’t know; I’m still better looking at 39, than 99.47% of the male population … and damned proud of it.)  Jeff Fisher hasn’t posted a winning season since 2008.  2008!  And yet he’s been employed every year since!  Nice work if you can get it. 

(And if you get it?  Won’t you tell me how? )

24 (29).  Todd Bowles, New York (fireman ed voice) J!  E!  T!  S!  Jets Jets Jets!!!!!!!

I actually feel bad for Mr. Bowles.  This schedule is so brutal, I’m not sure The Hooded One could milk nine wins out of it.  6 of the first 9 (a stretch of 6 out of 8) on the road, and the home games are Cincinnati, Seattle, and Baltimore (who will rebound this year)?  Dios con mio!

He should have risen higher than five spots, if I’m being honest.  I just haven’t gotten over the no-show in Buffalo to end the season yet.

23 (NR).  Dirk Koetter, Tampa Bay Buccaneers.  I like this hire.  A lot.  I think Tampa is going to be a force in the NFC over the next five years.

22 (15).  Jason Garrett, Dallas Cowboys.  Glad that Jerry didn’t overreact to one injury plagued season *.

(*: in my (rarely right, but also rarely humble) opinion, the single biggest mistake Jerry’s made in his tenure as the Cowboys guru, wasn’t firing Jimmy Johnson (it was inevitably going to happen), and it wasn’t hiring Barry Switzer (again, it was inevitably going to happen).  The single biggest mistake he’s made, was firing Chan Gailey after the 1999 season collapsed, and died in the Metrodome in the wild card round.  Chan Gailey took over the remnants of The Triplets, and bilked two playoff berths and a division title out of two seasons.  Only one Cowboys head coach has ever failed to win at least two playoff games, and has a losing record – Mr. Gailey’s successor, Dave Campo, who went 15-33 in his three seasons (finishing 5-11 each and every year).  The lesson?  Don’t overreact when your season collapses due to irreplaceable injuries.  (In 1999, Michael Irvin’s career ended in Week Four at Philadelphia, Moose Johnston’s career ended before the season began, Troy Aikman missed multiple starts, Greg Ellis blew out a (al michaels voice) knee in Week Two, and somehow, someway, this fatally flawed squad made the playoffs.

Don’t overreact, when injuries derail your season.  On that, I know I’m right.)

21 (28).  Gus Bradley, Jacksonville Jaguars.  If the 2016 Jags are who I think they’re going to be?  Mr. Bradley will be ten spots higher if another Stevo’s NFL Coaches Power Poll is posted.  If they aren’t?  Mr. Bradley won’t be included in said another Stevo’s NFL Coaches Power Poll; he’ll be unemployed.

20 (17).  Marvin Lewis, Cincinnati Bengals.  For the record, I’d have fired Mr. Lewis after the playoff defeat to Pittsburgh.  For the same reason I’d have fired Marty Schottenheimer after the 1996 Chiefs season, and the same reason the Chicago Bulls fired Doug Collins after the 1989-1990 Bulls season.

At some point?  You can’t take a team any farther.  You’re not going to get them over the hump, past the finish line.

The 2016 Cincinnati Bengals are going 5-11 or worse.  You heard it here first.

19 (10).  “Sexy” Rexy Ryan, Buffalo Bills.  If the 2016 Buffalo Bills are who I think they’re going to be?  “Sexy” Rexy will be unemployed when I turn 40, a little over six months from now.  If the 2016 Buffalo Bills aren’t who I think they’re going to be?  “Sexy” Rexy will be at least five spots higher in any future Stevo’s NFL Coaches Power Poll.

18 (19).  “Riverboat” Ron Rivera, Carolina Panthers.  He got taken to woodshed by Son of Bum ** in that Super Bowl, and given the business in the sport's biggest moment like few coaches have ever been given the business.  I’m more down on Carolina entering this season than most … but I still think they’ll win the NFC South, and win at least a Wild Card Round game.

(**: let’s just address the Captain Oats in the room, shall we?  I HATE the denver broncos.  I DESPISE them.  They are evil incarnate, and every single fan of those people is indwelt by at least a demon, if not satan himself.  Having said that … I LOVE Son of Bum.  I totally dig the guy.  Always have, always will.  I love people who don’t take themselves seriously … and I really love people who don’t give a sh*t about the moment; when the moment is so enjoyable?  Enjoy it!  (Note: I scoured YouTube! for video of his hiring as donkeys head coach in 1993; I found nothing.  But if you remember the moment?  That was priceless.  And awesome.)

So I capitalize Son of Bum for the same reason I capitalize Real Mile High: you respect greatness, when you see it.  (But you’ll never capitalize fake mile high, right?)  F*ck no I won’t!)

17 (20).  Mike McCarthy, Green Bay Packers.  You can write in Sharpie ink “10-6, NFC Wild Card Team”, as a floor, for any team he coaches, no matter who is under center.

You also can write in Sharpie ink “10-6, NFC Wild Card Team”, as a ceiling, for nearly every team he coaches, no matter who is under center.

16 (NR).  Doug Pederson, Philadelphia Eagles.  The highest rated first-time coach in this poll.  I happen to be higher on Philly than most NFL fans three months out from the start of the season.  (That, or just higher than most Philly fans.  (Pause).  On second thought, I’m not sure that outcome, is possible.)  Doug Pederson impressed the hell out of me the last three years with the Chiefs.  If you get a chance, go back and watch the game against the Bills on Thanksgiving weekend last year.  That was an offensive coaching masterpiece (by both squads, to be fair).  Mr. Pederson completely had Buffalo on their heels all day – and it ain’t like “Sexy” Rexy doesn’t know how to put together a defensive gameplan.

I totally see Philly as the “where the hell did they come from?!?!?!” stunning Wild Card team in the NFC.  You’re gonna love this hire, Philly fan.  You’re gonna love it.

15 (6).  John Fox, Chicago Bears.  The next three, four, five coaches to appear?  Just pull out that mythical hat again, and draw names.  You can’t go wrong with any of these guys.

14 (7).  Chip Kelly, San Francisco 49ers.  For those of you who question my sanity on this … you are aware the only non-Patriots team to win in Foxboro last year was coached by Chip, right?  You are aware that the Eagles entered Week Sixteen against the Redskins controlling their own destiny, right?  It’s not like last year was a complete and total debacle in Philadelphia.  The Eagles collapsed under expectations, true … but they controlled their own destiny to win the division with two to play!  And THAT got Coach Kelly fired?!?!?!?!  He’ll turn the 49ers around if given a couple years.

(Which means he’ll be coaching elsewhere by the spring of 2018.)

13 (24).  Jay Gruden, Washington Redskins.  You can count on three fingers, the number of coaches to win a division during “Chainsaw” Dan Snyder’s reign of error: Norval Eugene Turner (1999) – fired the following season.  shanarat (2012) – fired the next season.  And Jay Gruden (2016). 

Uuh … #sorrywill

12 (9).  Sean Payton, New Orleans Saints.  I’m curious to see what happens after this season.  Mr. Payton has more than earned the right to a rebuilding year or two.  Will he get it?

11 (11).  Pete Carroll, Seattle Seahawks.  Exactly where he was last year: at the bottom rung of the upper echelon.

That leaves ten men of vision, incomparable and unqualified success … and one of utter and total incompetence when it comes to clock management, left to rank.

Coming by Friday, Part Dos of the Stevo’s Site Numero Dos’ NFL Coaches Power Poll.  In some order, you’ll see the head coaches of the Patriots, Texans raiders, “Super” Cardinals, Texans, Colts, Steelers, Ravens, Vikings, our Kansas City (crowd voice) Chiefs! …

… and your Cleveland Browns?!?!?!?!?!?! …

kickoff 2015: coaches power poll part dos ...

“The first time I saw you?

Oh!  You looked so fine!

And I had a feeling?

One day?  You’d be mine!

Honey, you came along,

And captured my heart!

Now my love is somewhere?

Lost in your kiss.

When I’m all alone?

It’s you that I miss.

Girl, a love like yours?

Is hard to resist!

Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh …

Penny lover?

My love’s on fire!

Penny lover?

You’re my one desire!

Tell me baby –

Could this be true?

That I could need someone,

Like I need you? …”

-- “Penny Lover” by Lionel Richie … which for as long as I compose the Mixology Playlist for Chiefs tailgating (which will be until someone else can magically fuse music as well together as I can … which ain’t happening anytime soon)? 

Will ALWAYS be the first song played at our tailgate.  If you have to ask why?

You need to ride out sometime this fall, and find out why …

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In case you missed it, here’s yesterday’s Part Uno of the 2015 Stevo’s Site Numero Dos NFL Coaches Power Poll.

Also, do you realize that I have literally increased the posting on this site by 25% on the year this week?  What a low, low, low, low, low standard bar this site sets, for giving its readers what they want!!!!!!  (Pause).  Wait, that’s a bad thing.

Here then, the Top Ten Coaches (as I deem them), in the National … Football League, entering 2015.

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10. “Sexy” Rexy Ryan, Buffalo Bills.

As a Jets fan, it pains me that we fired (arguably) the second most successful head coach in franchise history, for one sh*ttacular year.  I mean, the man won 12 games the last two years, with Geno Bleeping Smith under center!  The man won FOUR ROAD PLAYOFF GAMES with The Sanchize under center!  I dare say not even the coach who will top this poll, could win FOUR ROAD PLAYOFF GAMES with The Sanchize under center!  (Hell, that coach LOST to The Sanchize, at home, for crying out loud – the last of those four victories.)

I think Rex Ryan is a tremendous head coach.  I’ve rated him above at least 3-4 coaches many of you reading this, will think I am clinically insane, for rating him ahead of.  (And in your defense?  I probably am clinically insane.  Still.)

I just can’t rank him ahead of the remaining nine, save for possibly one, who is next up.

9. Sean Payton, New Orleans Saints.

There are those who would argue that BountyGate, and last season, took the luster off of Mr. Payton.

I’d argue he just had a sub-par year.  And I congratulate the Saints, for not panicking like Arthur Blank, and firing a damned decent coach for the sake of firing someone, for the sake of change or fanbase clamoring or whatever.

Who are you gonna hire off the street, better than Sean Payton?  (A question Falcons fans will be cursing the answer to, by about Week Six, when it comes to former coach Mike Smith.  And a question us Jets fans are already cursing the answer to.)

That’s the single biggest thing that frustrates me in sports, is the tendency to overrate one god-awful (or one God-given) season.  Here’s this site’s helpful hint, free of charge:

Unless you’re godd*mned certain you can get somebody better?  Don’t fire the devil you know.

You think john elway is actually excited at the downgrade from a coach yet to appear (and he’s still at least two spots away) to “krap of” kubiak?  (Actually, given that mr. elway is at best the False Prophet the Bible prophecies about, and in all reality he is likely the Anti-Christ?  he probably is excited over “krap of” kubiak.) 

A better question – you think your average broncos fan, is excited by this coaching change?  If I was a broncos fan?  Well, that’s a stupid question – I’m not mentally retarded.  I also don’t root for demons, or rot gut evil, which is denver at its soul – rot-gut demon-possessed evil.  But if I was a broncos fan? 

Hang on, I need to chug a handle of Jack, at that mere suggestion …

If I was a damned demon donkey fan?  I’d be IRATE at firing John Fox for “krap of” kubiak.

I know exactly one Saints fan – I work with her.  She’s perfectly fine with Sean Payton returning, under the “he’s better than anyone we could have gotten” theory that should be a given.

Besides, the man coached a team that single-handedly saved not just a franchise, but one of the greatest cities the world has ever known – the 2006 Saints.  And it did it as a blind rookie.

That HAS to count for something.

8. Omar Epps, Pittsburgh Steelers.

Excuse me.  I mean

8. Mike Tomlin, Pittsburgh Steelers.

Do you realize the Chiefs had as many head coaches in thirteen months (December 2011-January 2013) as the Steelers have had since man landed on the moon?

Which franchise do you think has won six Super Bowls since man landed on the moon (while losing two others) … and which franchise do you think has won one Super Bowl (and never playing for another) in those forty six years?

Find your guy.  Sign him long term.  Then back the hell out of him no matter what.

Hell, do you realize the Steelers haven’t fired a head coach since LBJ was in the White House?

Do you realize that somehow, someday, the man I consider to be the greatest NFL head coach ever … is the WORST Steelers coach of the last 46 years, by win percentage?  That Mr. Noll’s successors keep improving on his epic .566 percentage over 22 years?  (Bill Cowher won .623 in fifteen years; Mike Tomlin is at .641 through year nine.)

Find your guy.  Sign him long term.  Then back the hell out of him no matter what.

God forbid the Red and Gold figure this out, for the first time since Marty roamed the sideline.

7. Chip Kelly, Philadelphia Eagles.

One thing about me that I argue is highly, highly underrated – when I am absolutely, no doubt about it dead wrong? 

I own my failure, my lapse of judgment, and I admit it.

I was 100% dead f*cking wrong, about Chip Kelly.

Like I noted yesterday, I’m still a solid 4-5 weeks away from running the schedules and posting my predictions … but I’m leaning Philly to win the NFC.

I freaking love Chip Kelly.

And I have to tip the cap to “The Voice of Reason”, because if we’d have bet on Mr. Kelly’s success?  I’d owe him a boatload of money at this point.

I was wr … wr … wr … wro … wron … possibly incorrect, about Mr. Kelly’s ability to succeed in the NFL.

Winning double digit games every year of your tenure?  Speaks for itself.

6. John Fox, Chicago Bears.

He manned a defense that was so dominant, it carried Kerry Collins to a Super Bowl.  He headed a team that rode Jake Delhomme to a Super Bowl.  He rode “Our Lord and Risen Savior” Timothy R. Tebow to a division title and a playoff victory.  He milked four incredible seasons – all division title seasons, all first round bye seasons – out of a quarterback who missed a full season with basically a broken neck.

And to think – there are actual people who wonder if he’ll be successful coaching Jay Cutler.

Stevo Rule 34 applies, to those mentally challenged folks.

5. Bruce Arians, Arizona “Super” Cardinals.

If Chip Kelly gets praised for winning 20 games in 32 attempts?

Why not stand and marvel in amazement, at Mr. Arians winning 21, in those attempts?

The man had the Arizona freaking Cardinals hosting the Seahawks in prime time with one week to go, with the division and the conference on the line, with a third or fourth string QB under center.

I’d argue the only coaching mistake the Steelers have made in 46 years, is kicking Ol’ Bruce to the curb.  Christ, the man held the Colts together, coming off a 2-14 season, in which their rookie head coach is diagnosed with cancer!  With a rookie QB under center!

I’d be damned proud to have Bruce Arians coaching my team. 

That is NOT a statement I’d make, about Numero Uno on this listing.

(But you’d still fire “Fat” Andy to hire Numero Uno, right?)  Hell yes I would.

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Here we are, the Final Four.

Four AFC Coaches.  All from a different division.

One of these four, will stun you.  I think.

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4. “Fat” Andy Reid, Kansas City Chiefs.

Most years on this poll, he checks in, in the 3-6 range, and that seems right once again. 

Ironic that he has the exact same record, as the man who replaced him in Philly (20-12 regular season, 0-1 postseason, with a heartbreaking collapse in that postseason game).  Ironic that he is importing so many former players, just like his successor in Philly. 

For you Chiefs fans who doubt how great a coach this guy is?  Compare 2011 (so damned similar) to 2014:

2011: Chiefs lose TE Tony Moeaki in final preseason game; wrecks offensive game plan.

2014: Chiefs lose DE Mike DeVito in first game of season; wrecks DL game plan.

2011: Chiefs lose S Eric Berry on first snap of the regular season; wrecks secondary game plan.

2014: Chiefs lose LB Derrick Johnson in first game of season; wrecks running defense gameplan.

2011: Chiefs lose RB Jamaal Charles in second game of season; wrecks offensive game plan.

2014: Chiefs lose G Jeff Allen second game of the season; wrecks offensive line.

2011: Chiefs rally from 0-3 to 4-3, before collapsing to 5-8, then being eliminated at 6-9.

2014: Chiefs rally from 0-2 to 7-3, before collapsing to 8-7, then being eliminated at 9-7.

2011: Chiefs enter Week Seventeen as the only AFC West team without playoff possibilities.

2014: Chiefs enter Week Seventeen still alive with playoff possibilities.

Last year played out so similarly to 2011 – high expectations that injuries destroyed.

And yet, last year played out exactly opposite of 2011 – this team never, ever quit.

“Fat” Andy deserves a damned lot of credit for that.

3. John Harbaugh, Baltimore Ravens.

Wow, are there really only three head coaches in this league, I’d fire “Fat” Andy to hire?

I guess so.

Numeros Tres and Uno will make perfect sense, and I would guess 92.46% of Chiefs fans will agree – we’d fire “Fat” Andy to hire them.  (And I’m guessing a solid 72.69% of you reading this, could make a case for any other coach in this post, to fire “Fat” Andy to hire, because these are the Top Ten, after all.)

I predicted in my look-ahead at the Chiefs schedule that our game at Baltimore will be flexed into prime time.

I stand by that prediction.

And I truly hope it happens.

Because damn – “Fat” Andy against his special teams guru / coaching protégé, would be DAMNED fun to watch aftera  day of imbibing heavily.

2. Bill O’Brien, Houston Texans.

And hang on, let me duck the rotten vegetables.

Because I can hear it now.

How in the name of God Himself can you rank a second year head coach Numero Dos?

For six reasons:

6. Did you see what he did at Penn State, in the wake of (arguably) the biggest disaster to a program in NCAA FBS history (save for the Marshall plane crash)?

5. Did you see who his QBs were in Houston last year?

4. No, really – did you see who his QBs were in Houston last year?

3. Do you realize the Houston Texans were the first team out of the playoffs last year in the AFC?

2. Because I still believe in their probable starter this much … and I’m guessing Mr. O’Brien does too.

1. No, really – he followed a legend at Penn State, and somehow made it work.  He followed the only semi-successful head coach in Texans history, and improved the team by 7 wins.  He’s smart, he’s innovative, he’s not scared to take chances, he’s more than willing to risk a game on a gambit, he doesn’t give a sh*t what the public thinks, and have I mentioned, he somehow followed up Joe Paterno at Penn State, left the program in BETTER shape than the ruins … excuse me.  The (stewie griffin voice) roo-eens it was in, and not only are Penn State fans not irate he bolted after a couple years … they’re all damned grateful he gave them two years?

(Pause).

OK, fine, Numero Uno was more like sixty reasons, but still. 

I love this guy irrationally as a coach.

I am terrified of what I am going to witness on September 13^th.  (If only because I think the Chiefs have to open 2-2 to win the West, and at Houston / at Cincinnati are the two most winnable, on paper, of the first four.)

You know who this guy reminds me of? 

shanarat. 

That’s NOT a good thing, Chiefs fans.

1. Bill Belichick, New England Patriots.

I think he’s an unethical cheating bastard.  I’d be morally repulsed and disgusted if he coached the Red and Gold.

(I’d also offer him a 5 year, $300 million contract if my name was Clark Hunt, to coach the Red and Gold, yesterday.)

(What, you expected anything less?  I am a Clinton Democrat for God’s sake – we’ve NEVER given a sh*t about morality or ethics – winning is the ONLY thing!)

--------------------

So that concludes your NFL Coaches Power Poll for 2015.  I cannot promise a weekend post; I hope to spend most of my weekend darkening my tan and lightening my hair, poolside.  (This stuns me actually – this is the best tan I’ve had in late July since I spent a happy summer unemployed in 2006 … and my hair hasn’t been this blonde since I used to bleach it on occasion in the early 2000s.  I may be 38, but dammit, I don’t look it!)

I plan to post a few look ahead pieces on the Chiefs in the week to come.  I refuse to promise to commit to the plan, in the interest of openness and honesty … but that’s the plan.

Until then, I give you one of my absolute favorite all-time scenes from “How I Met Your Mother” … and gee, can you feel a “27 Favorite Episodes of This Show Ever” post building … I give you … the Official Animal of Canada … a National Mascot … a “Noble Creature”:

And yes.  Yes, yes, yes -- beavers?

Are adorable creatures ...

stevo's 2014 nfl coaches power poll

Incredibly enough ... no opening lyrics.  Say wha?  Sorry, but nothing from the playlist, grabbed my attention enough, to use for this post ... although a few did, for the next one that's gonna pop on this site, hopefully in the next couple days ...

--------------------

Do y'all realize we are less than six weeks away, from preseason football?  No, really – six weeks from yesterday, the Hall of Fame Game occurs.  Forty five days from today, I’ll either be burning a PTO day at Arrowhead* … or doing what I usually do for preseason football, and eating my tickets cards. 

I mean, once again having The Chenbot, Zingbot 3000, and good Ol' Uncle Morty in our lives is creepy enough.  But less than seven weeks until those of us blessed enough to count ourselves as Chiefs season ticket holders will confirm our mental instability by not just attending, but paying to attend, preseason football?  Man, this year has flown by!

No NFL season can truly get underway, until this certifiable lunatic, posts the season's NFL Coaches Power Poll ... and in a "what are the bleeping odds -- no, really, what are the bleeping odds!" coincidence, this post?  Is your 2014 Stevo's NFL Coaches Power Poll!  (kazoo voice) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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(*: as always, the weather controls whether I show up, for a Thursday night preseason game or not.  If it’s 92 plus and not a cloud in the sky, hell yes I’m showing up to get some sun and have a few libations.  If it’s 79 and raining?  Not a chance in hell.)

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First, a quick primer on how this thing works.  The first NFL Coaches Power Poll was informally done by "The Voice of Reason" and I, one Sunday evening back in the fall of 2000, when we were debating whether or not Gunther Cunningham should see year three at the helm of the Chiefs.  I think we ultimately decided Ol' Gun ranked somewhere in the high 20s (which is not good) out of the 31 head coaches** the League employed at that point.  Ever since then, I've done the same thing to kick off the season -- ranking these thirty two gentlemen in reverse order of "would I want this guy coaching the Chiefs".

If you are ranked #1?  You are Chuck Noll awesome.

If you are ranked #32?  You are Rich Kotite awful.

And every coach listed after you to appear?  I'd rather have coaching the Chiefs, instead of you.  For example, if "Fat" Andy Reid comes in at #6 (and he's not ... although damned close, to #6), that means there are five current NFL head coaches, I'd take over "Fat" Andy to coach the Chiefs ... and twenty seven current NFL head coaches, I'd take "Fat" Andy over to coach the Chiefs.

Oh, and in the interest of fairness, my favorite NFL head coach of all time is the beloved (on this site at least) Wayne "Ol' Buck" Fontes, so always keep in mind, when reading what I think of your team's head coach, that Ol' Buck himself, a man mocked on NFL PrimeTime as "Rasputin" for a decade, a man who once kept his job because his owner told the assembled media "well, I didn't fire him, and he didn't offer to quit, so I guess (Wayne) will be back next season", that guy?  Is my favorite coach of all time.

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(**: here’s how horrific the 2000 Coaching Poll would have been -- the following brain trusts, oversaw game day, for various NFL franchise, during the 2000 season:

Dave Wannstedt (Dolphins)

Al Groh (Jets)

Wade “Son of Bum” Phillips (Bills)

Bruce Coslet and Dick LeBeau (Bengals)

Chris Palmer (Browns)

Gunther “Confident and Classy” Cunningham (Chiefs)

Mike Riley (“Super” Chargers)

Norval Eugene Turner AND (I forget which) Pepper Rodgers or Terry Robiskie! (Redskins)

Dave Campo (Cowboys)

Vince Tobin and Dave McGinnis (“Super” Cardinals)

Bob Ross and Gary Moeller (Lions)

Dick Jauron (Bears)

Mike Martz (Rams)

George Seifert (Panthers)

And lying in wait …

Dom Capers (Texans; still two seasons away, from beginning operations).

That’s FIFTEEN sh*ttacular coaches!  And that doesn’t even count the somewhat shifty and shady ones I didn’t mention, such as:

Jim Mora Sr (Colts – never won a playoff game)

Jim Fassel (Giants, who somehow won the NFC in 2000)

“Drunk” Dennis Green (Vikings, who somehow almost won the NFC in 2000)

Mike Sherman (Packers, who compared to Ray Rhodes before him, was an upgrade)

Jim Haslett (Saints, who somehow won the division in 2000)

Steve Mariucci (49ers, who wasn’t as bad as you remember)

“Drunk” Dan Reeves (Falcons, who was washed up at this point).

That’s TWENTY TWO, of the thirty two eventual openings, in which – and admit it, I’m right – you wouldn’t hire that guy to run your franchise today … and you’d question your intelligence, for hiring them fifteen years ago!  (john davidson voice) That’s incredible!

And for the record, the ten gentlemen I did not list as (damien voice) grouse examples of incompetence, beyond zues in nature:

Bill Belichick (Patriots, who everyone thought would be, in the list above, after the 2000 season)

Jeff Fisher (Titans)

Brian Billick (Ravens, who I think is the most underrated coach, of the last twenty years)

Bill Cowher (Steelers)

Tom Coughlin (Jaguars)

Jon Gruden (raiders)

mike shanarat (satan’s squad)

Mike Holmgren (Seahawks)

“Fat” Andy Reid (Eagles)

Tony Dungy (Bucs)

Only TWO NFC head coaches in 2000, would be worth hiring today, in hindsight.  (Pause).  Yeah, that kinda, sorta does explain the Giants miraculous run to the Super Bowl, now that I think about it …)

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Here'slast year's rankings, for what they're worth.  Sadly, we lost some coaching "giants" this past offseason.  No more Gary Kubiak to mock.  No more rat and/or rodent jokes about shanarat.  No more dudes named Leslie to mock.  And incredibly, the Browns now employ a coach whose last name I can spell! 

I guess it just goes to show you***.  Sometimes?

Change sucks.

--------------------

(***: true story time!  I spent Saturday helping out the Second Parents with a garage sale, and other assorted things that needed to get done before the big “Mona’s Birthday / Fourth of July” four day bender about to unfold beginning Thursday afternoon, and we would up having dinner at El Maguey on Raytown Road.  (God, I love El Maguey.)  Anyhoo, Russ had bartender duties that night at the Eagles club, so on the way home, we dropped him off at the club.  The path to the club takes me right by my future home, Two Rivers Psychiatric Facility.  I have been driving by this place routinely for pushing fifteen years now … and Saturday was the first time I have ever noticed, that they have a walking path, for their patients.  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  You’re damned right I deal with stress at work, by grabbing that squeeze ball thingy, and pacing the crime-riddled sidewalks, of 112^th Street, venting out loud about the latest screw-up (insert co-worker here) did, that will require a couple hours of my time, to fix. 

I mention this, because I just want to compliment Two Rivers Psychiatric Facility, for already planning, for my future arrival.  No, really – you guys ARE the best!  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  Yeah, that’s true.  (chess player voice) Your move, Charter.)

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32. Jim “Corpse” Caldwell, Detroit Lions.  How in the name of God did Ol' Jimbo get another crack at the head coaching gig?  I mean really, Ford family?  You have competent, quality, proven winners out there like Lovie Smith, Ken Whizenhunt, even mike shanarat for God’s sake, and you decide Jim “Corpse” Caldwell is your best candidate?  I truly don't know what stuns me more sometimes: the fact that Lions fans don't go all Jonestowny on us every Sunday, watching yet another horrific season play out ... or that somehow, Ford is the American automaker that didn't need a government bailout to stay afloat.  How can you be at least semi-credible at running 1/7th of the United States economy, and so sh*tty at running a NFL franchise?  This might be the most unforgivable hire in a very, very long time -- at least since the Kansas City Chiefs removed the word "interim" from Romeo Crennel's official title.

(And on a side note: has ANY coordinator in NFL history fooled more people with one “not a chance in hell itself it ever happens again” play call, than Jim “Corpse” Caldwell, on the bomb from Flacco to Jacoby Jones that gave satan’s squad what they deserves, in the Divisional Round two seasons ago?  If Jacoby Jones drops that ball, if Joe Flacco throw it like, uuh, Joe Flacco usually would, if (anything but a) champ bailey actually plays like his usual self on the play, is Jim “Corpse” Caldwell drawing a salary from anything other than unemployment?  It’s probably good nobody in Detroit has the money, to shell out to watch this debacle in person.)

31. Joe Philbin, Miami Dolphins.  How did this guy survive to see another season?  Poor on-field results.  A locker room of hazing and questionable behavior that he looks the other way on.  Plus, I keep finding it nearly impossible to avoid calling the dude Regis.

30. "Drunk" dennis allen, oakland raiders.  Taking his place in a long, long line of questionable "what the hell did they see in that dude?" hirings your (because God knows they ain't mine) oakland raiders have engaged in.  Here, ladies and gentlemen, are your (because, again, they sure as hell ain't mine) oakland raiders head coaches over the last twenty five years.  (Pause).  You might want to get a stiff, stiff cocktail ready, to read this.

* mike shanahan (1988-early 1989).  Who not only is still owed millions of dollars by the davis family, he's taken the stiffing so well, he had Elvis Grbac intentionally throw at al davis a few times, in the 1994 Monday Night opener.  Sadly that night, Elvis Grbac threw like, well, uuh, Elvis Grbac, and missed mr. davis’ head.  Ain't we lucky we got 'em?  Good Times!

* Art Shell (early 1989-1994).  Somehow, the raiders made the playoffs three times in the first Shell era -- 1990 (the Bo Jackson Injury game), 1991 (Arrowhead's first playoff game, seven straight false starts by the (then) la raiders), and 1993 (beating Son O' Bum in his only playoff appearance with the donkeys). 

Also, Art Shell was (if you believe revisionist history) the first black coach in NFL history.  And just like the first black President in this nation’s history, he makes you question at times, why we value diversity as a society.

* Mike White (1995-1996).  The 1995 oakland raiders opened 8-1, their only defeat coming in overtime at Arrowhead.  They finished 8-8.

* Joe Bugle (1997).  The 1997 oakland raiders did not open 8-1, and they did not finish in range of .500.  But Andre Rison did burn al davis' house down.  If you know what I mean.  (the great dan dierdorf voice) "Unfortunately, we do! (laughing uncontrollably)"

* Jon Gruden (1998-2001).  The only semblance of competence.  With the highlight, of course, being The Tuck Rule game.

* "Sur" William Callahan (2002-2003).  Setting the stage for half a decade of incompetence, confusion, and utter disaster, that your Nebraska Cornhuskers, are still trying to dig out from under.

* Norv Turner (2004-2005).  Or, as PFT nicknamed him, "Stanley Roper".  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  Yeah, it is a shame at least half the people reading this, have no idea who Stanley Roper was.

* Art Shell (2006).  Giving a second rise to the "Art Shell Face". 

* Lane Kiffin (2007-early 2008).  al davis' last semblance of sanity, was that presser where he fired Ol' Lane with cause.

* Tom Cable (early 2008-2010).  Won the last nine divisional games he coached, yet was fired anyway.  The Seahawks are thankful for that.

* Hue Jackson (2011).  Gambled the next five years, on the Carson Palmer trade.  Whoops.

* "drunk" dennis allen (2012-present).  He's 8-24.  His team is all but a lock to be the AFC West's red-headed stepchild again.  My way of saying, I'd rent, "drunk" denny.  Rent, not buy.

29. "Riverboat" Ron Rivera, Carolina Panthers.  Who not only owns the distinction of being the only head coach in the NFL that Brady Quinn can beat.  That's not a good combination.  And spare me the "the Panthers went 12-4 and won their division!" defense.  Barry Switzer's first three seasons went 12-4, 12-4, 10-6, with three division titles, five playoff wins, and a Lombardi to boot.  Anyone gonna argue that Barry Switzer was a credible, competent NFL head coach?  (Other than me, of course)?  I didn't think so.

28. Jason Garrett, Dallas Cowboys.  I think we're rapidly approaching "what the hell does Jason Garrett have on Jerry Jones" territory with this employment.  Kind of like the "what the hell does Carlton Gray have on Carl Peterson" era from the late 1990s.  (I still argue it was clown porn, if only because the visual of Carl Peterson taking it to poundtown, while wearing a clown costume, is utterly hysterical to picture.)  Jason Garrett is a mediocre (I'd argue overrated) boring head coach.  To bastardize the great Dean Wormer: "mediocre, overrated, and boring is no way to go through life, son".

27. Jay Gruden, Washington Redskins.  I actually think Jay is a really good coach, but there isn't any way he'll look it, coaching that dysfunctional franchise. 

26. Mike Pettine, Cleveland Browns.  In the interest of full disclosure, I tend to be harder on first year coaches, than most people.  In the interest of full disclosure, he’s the Browns eighth – eighth! – head coach in the fifteen years since the NFL tragically and indefensibly, returned the Browns to Cleveland.  Your previous seven?  Chris Palmer, Butch Davis, Terry Robiskie, Romeo Crennel, Eric Mangini, Pat Shurmur, Rob Chudzinski.  Their combined record?  77-164, including their lone playoff berth (and defeat).

Good luck Mike.  Because I’d lay even odds, you’ll be yet another victim of unemployment in Mr. Obama’s America, within eighteen months.

25. Bill O’Brien, Houston Texans.  Can we please have a moment of levity here?  Bill O’Brien only went 15-9 at Penn State.  That’s it.  His fifteen wins?

Vs Navy, vs Temple, at Illinois, vs Northwestern, at Iowa, at Purdue, vs Iowa, vs Wisconsin (OT); vs Syracuse, vs Eastern Michigan, vs Kent State, vs Michigan (4 OT), vs Illinois (OT), vs Purdue, at Wisconsin.

Other than somehow sweeping Wisconsin?  Circle me thoroughly unimpressed.

Can we also please have a moment of levity here?  Can you identify a single coach from the Belichick coaching family tree, that’s mattered worth a damn?

Six previous Belichick assistants, have become NFL head coaches.  Which one of these fine gentlemen, do you want running your NFL franchise – Romeo Crennel?  Al Groh?  Josh McDaniels?  Eric Mangini?  Nick Saban?  Jim Schwartz?

I feel bad for Texans fans.  They deserve far, far better than Bill O’Brien.  Because they deserve far, far, far, far, far better, in a general manager, than the incompetent Rick Smith, can ever deliver.

24. Gus Bradley, Jacksonville Jaguars.  Circle me thoroughly impressed so far.  To win four games with that team, when they didn’t register a first down – or cross midfield – in his debut last fall until the number in the quarter box on the scoreboard said "4", is nothing short of impressive.  I also loved the Blake Bortles pick.  (Note to Jaguars fans: be afraid.  Be very afraid.  All I can say is, thank God “The Herm” isn’t available online anymore, because you’ll never meet someone more geeked for Brodie Croyle to take over under center for the Chiefs, than I was.  Career record?  0-9.)

23. Mike McCarthy, Green Bay Packers.  I’ve never been a fan, going back to the Grbac / Gannon days (when Mr. McCarthy was the Chiefs QB coach).  Yes, he has a Super Bowl win.  So what?  George Seifert has two.  And NOBODY is going to hire George Seifert, to even walk the dog to the curb, that poor pooch would wind up squished by a semi-truck by the time Mr. Seifert was done, with said walking said dog to said curb.

22. Mike Zimmer, Minnesota Vikings.  Of all the offseason hires, this one intrigues me the most.  In the interest of full disclosure, I LOVE Mike Zimmer.  If the Vikings gambled right on Teddy Bridgewater (and I think they might have … although again, I’m in the minority, in thinking Blake Bortles is the real deal, and will be the best QB to come out of this year’s draft), they can absolutely return to the playoffs -- as soon as this year.

21. “Sexy” Rexy Ryan, New York Jets.  The poster child for the “is a brilliant coordinator, but in over his head as a head coach”, uuh, head coach.  For all his initial success?  He’s 42-38 in the regular season as a head coach (and that only improves to 46-40, if you add in the playoffs).

20. Marvin Lewis, Cincinnati Bengals.  One of two “wait, are they really all that good?” head coaches still drawing a paycheck in this league (along with the gentleman appearing next).  Incredibly, this will be Mr. Lewis’ 12^th season as a NFL head coach (all with the Bengals).  Incredibly, he has yet to win a playoff game.

19. Jeff Fisher, St. Louis Rams.  Here’s the dirty little secret of this League: Jeff Fisher is mediocre, at best, as a head coach.  For example …

* He hasn’t won a playoff game since 2003.  No, really – this will be his eleventh season as a head coach, since his last postseason win.

* He’s had two winning seasons, in those last ten seasons as a head coach. 

* He’s finished higher than third in the division, twice in those ten seasons – 2006 (when he finished 2^nd, went 8-8, and whizzed away a playoff berth by getting blown out at home in the regular season finale) and 2008 (when he went 13-3, and then crapped out to the Ravens in the divisional round).  Every other season?  3^rd or 4^th … although that 3^rd place finish in 2007 did yield a playoff berth (when the Colts made “Sur” William Callahan proud in the regular season finale, to get the Titans in, as the six seed).

* He’s 28-35-1 in his last four seasons as a head coach, all of which saw his teams finish .500 or worse.

* 9 of his 18 full seasons as a head coach, have seen his teams win 7 or 8 games.  NINE!  

If you want mediocrity, with an occasional playoff season?  Jeff Fisher’s your guy!

And no, we STILL haven’t reached the Official “Stevo’d Be Cool With This Guy Coaching the Chiefs” line.

18. Tom Coughlin, New York Giants.  Although we’re getting damned close.  I loved seeing Tom Coughlin on the sidelines of Arrowhead last fall … although not for reasons that Giants fans would love.  Sorry, but eventually, the game passes even the best of coaches, by.  (Sadly, there’s a reason Chuck Noll – who I consider to be the greatest coach in NFL history – never coached again, after “retiring” from the Steelers, following the 1991 season.)

17. Doug Marrone, Buffalo Bills.  And we’ve now reached the “I’m cool with this dude coaching the Chiefs” line!  (kazoo voice) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Since I know most KU fans don’t give a rip about Syracuse, let me put what he accomplished in his previous stop into perspective.  He pulled off what Mark Mangino did, in half the time.  And he replaced a far, far, far worse head coach, than Terry Allen was.  (He replaced Greg Robinson … yes, THAT Greg Robinson.)  Had a solid debut season in Buffalo, and only figures to improve from here.

16. Lovie Smith, Tampa Bay Buccaneers.  This is more a praise of the fifteen gentlemen remaining, than a criticism of Ol’ Lovie.  Bucs fans might not see improvement in the win column in year one, but by year three, Lovie will have this team routinely competing for playoff berths … and then spectacularly failing to reach, said postseason, due to some epic week sixteen or seventeen indefensible meltdown, that leads you to question, why he’s ranked at exactly the midpoint, of the NFL head coaches, in this poll.

15. Mike McCoy, San Diego “Super” Chargers.  Chiefs fans, let me put into perspective, the job Mike McCoy accomplished in year one, in America’s loveliest city.  He not only made the playoffs in his inaugural season, he won a playoff game once he got there.  To put this in perspective?  Only TWO head coaches in Chiefs history, have made the playoffs in their inaugural season.  (That would be Herm Edwards in 2006, and “Fat” Andy Reid last year.)  Fellow Chiefs fans?  NO Chiefs head coach, has won a playoff game, in his first season at the helm, of our beloved franchise.  (Although to be fair, “Fat” Andy came damned, damned close … and so did Herm, for about the first fifty two minutes, out of the sixty played.)

14. Mike Smith, Atlanta Falcons.  You can make a credible argument, that you can’t judge a head coach, until he faces a season of adversity.  Mike Smith finally did last year, for the first time in his six years at the helm of the Falcons.  (It was their first losing season, under Mr. Smith.)  How the Falcons rebound this year, will likely determine his legacy.  (If I’m ranking him 14^th, here’s a hint: I ain’t expecting a rebound.)

13. Marc Trestman, Chicago Bears.  I love this guy irrationally … but not even I can rank him ahead, of the twelve remaining coaches.  Not until he reaches the postseason.  Which, granted, he was one miraculous Aaron Rodgers Hail Mary fling away, from reaching last season.

12. Ken Whizenhunt, Tennessee Titans.  As my buddy Pickell would say, “put it this way”: if Jake Locker is a legitimate NFL quarterback?  The Titans are winning the AFC South seven of the next ten years, Andrew Luck be damned.  Whizenhunt is that solid, of a coach.  The man rode a broke down Kurt Warner to two division titles and a Super Bowl berth for God’s sake.  Let me repeat that: Ken Whizenhunt coached a 402 year old Kurt Warner of the Arizona “Super” Cardinals, to a Super Bowl.  If anything?  12^th, is too damned low of a ranking.

11. Omar Epps, Pittsburgh Steelers.  I know, it’s Mike Tomlin, but good Lord, were Omar and Mikey switched at birth or what?  Mr. Tomlin’s in no jeopardy with another lost season – the Steelers are the most loyal organization in professional sports, when it comes to their head coach.  (They haven’t fired one, since 1968.)  And in the interest of fairness, if Ryan Succup hits from 41 (or, more accurately, the refs flag the Chargers for illegal formation on the miss, and Succup hits from 36), the Steelers travel to Cincy on Wildcard Sunday, instead of the “Super” Chargers.  Still, a couple more 7-9 / 8-8 seasons might lead the Rooneys to fire a strength and conditioning coach, and we wouldn’t want to see that, would we?

10. Bruce Arians, Arizona “Super” Cardinals.  I wonder how much Omar Epps regrets firing … excuse me, “strong-arming” … Bruce Arians into retirement two years ago?  And I wonder how many “thank you for that brain fart!” cards of gratitude Omar has received in the last two years, from Colts and “Super” Cardinals fans?

9. Chip Kelly, Philadelphia Eagles.  A phenomenal debut season, winning the NFC East, nearly beating the Saints in the wild card game, and apparently finding the quarterback of the future in Nick Foles.  Again – I LOVE Chip Kelly … as a college coach.  I still have serious doubts his system can work in the pros.  But everyone thought Jerry Jones was a bat sh*t crazy loon, for firing Tom Landry, and replacing him with Jimmy Johnson.  And everyone that’s a college football fan, thought Oklahoma was nuts, for hiring Bob Stoops to run this thing called a “spread formation” back in 1999 … and Texas Tech was even daffier, for hiring his offensive coordinator, Mike Leach, to implement the spread at that alleged institute of higher learning**, a year later.

(**: another true story: my favorite t-shirt from my college years, was one my roommate had.  “UT and A&M: United By Hate … And The Fact That Tech Isn’t A Real School!”  Never failed to make me laugh.)

8. Pete Carroll, Seattle Seahawks.  If you had told seventeen year old me, twenty years ago, screaming in horror in his folks basement “Jesus!  It’s a fake!  It’s a fake spike!  What the … NO!  NO!  (BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP!) NO!!!!!  HOW CAN YOU MISS THAT, YOU MOTHER (BLEEP!  BLEEP!  BLEEP) CARROLL!”, if you’d told that hot-as-hell dude screaming in horror that afternoon, as Dan Marino’s fake spike all but ended the 1994 Jets season, that Pete Carroll would become arguably the most accomplished head coach of this generation?  That Pete Carroll would be only the third person in history, to win a NCAA D1 Championship AND a Lombardi Trophy, as the head coach in each instance?  Let’s just say, my “scouting trip” of Two Rivers today, would have been a courtesy by me, for you.

Seventeen year old me, refuses to believe, that Pete Carroll is competent, and dare I say, genius.

(Oh, the only other two gentlemen to win both the NCAA and NFL top level championship trophies?  Ironically enough, two bitter rivals from their college years, who both coached the same pro team, and now are pretty good friends.  Jimmy Johnson, and Barry Switzer, everybody!)

7. Sean Payton, New Orleans Saints.  I fear Mr. Payton has now reached the 1990s Chiefs status no team truly wants: they’re too good to miss the playoffs; they’re not good enough, to win once they get there.

6. Bill Belichick, New England Patriots.  Can you name the only quarterback, to lead his team to an AFC Eastern Division Championship, other than Tom Brady, since the 2000 season concluded?  The answer, coming up … at the close of the post.

5. “Fat” Andy Reid, Kansas City Chiefs.  In the interest of fairness, had the wildcard game gone differently, 5 and 3 would be flipped.  An incredible first season here in our fine metropolitan community for “Fat” Andy, and while I am realistic enough (at least at this point) to concede the 2014 Chiefs are going to take a step back … I’m also enough of a believer in this man’s coaching ability, that eight weeks from now, when I run the schedules and post the “most anticipated post(s) of the year”, that I could talk myself into a “well, he won year after year in Philly when everyone said that was a “step back” year” 11-5 repeat prediction.

And for the record?  I have never been more privileged, to be in the building, for a football game, than I was to be in the building at Lucas Oil Field, on January 4, 2014.  That game will be looked back on fifteen years from now, with the same level of respect, admiration, and appreciation, as Green Bay / San Francisco from January 3, 1999, is today.  It’s the best game I’ve ever attended, and probably ever will.

4. John Harbaugh, Baltimore Ravens.  Sorry dude, but you employed #32 in this listing, as your offensive coordinator – voluntarily.  And go figure, he stunk up the joint.  Can’t rank you higher than your brother, based on that alone.

3. Chuck “Strong” Pagano, Indianapolis Colts.

I know – how the hell is a second year head coach, who is 1-2 in the playoffs, rated this highly?  And yes, the fact he’s 3-0 against the Chiefs, helps his cause.)

Here’s Part One of the trip to Indy, for the Chiefs / Colts Wild Card Round Game.

Here’s Part Two of the trip to Indy, for the Chiefs / Colts Wild Card Round Game.

What I still cannot get over, nearly seven bleeping months later, is this:

Chiefs 38, Colts 10, not even ninety seconds, into the second half.

Let me assure you – there wasn’t a Chiefs fan in the building, who didn’t believe Husain Abdullah’s interception, and Knile Davis’ ensuing touchdown, hadn’t sealed our first playoff win in (gulp) a generation.  And there were a solid 15,000 of us in that building, one of whom is sadly no longer with us in this journey we call life. 

NOBODY wearing Red and Gold was worried.  Hell, as I noted in the recap – we were already discussing with the Springfield folks, when exactly to leave, to beat the upcoming blizzard headed towards Indy, for our drive home.  

That’s how confident Chiefs fans were, that our team was going to win.

(Pause). 

So let me also assure you – there wasn’t a Colts fan in that building?  Who left at 38-10.  NONE of their fans, left early.  (Yo, Miami Heat fans?  THAT’S what a fanbase, looks like.) 

Was it because they were facing a team they’ve treated as their own personal urinal for thirty years?  Possibly.  (The Chiefs have beaten the Colts exactly once, in twenty five years.  Halloween Day, 2004.)

Was it because Andrew Luck was under center?  I know the obvious answer is “of course” … but Andrew Luck is WHY the Colts trailed 10-38, with less than half a game to play.  To quote the great Jim Mora Sr.: “when you throw five interceptions …”  I think the number was four, but still – Andrew Luck was the sole reason why the Chiefs had dominated the game to that point.  He stunk worse than a two-week-old soiled diaper.

And yet, NOBODY left, wearing the blue and white.

You’ll never convince me, Chuck Pagano, isn’t the reason why, none of those fans in blue and white, fled for the exits.

2. john fox, denver broncos.

OK, I’ll ask it.

Why is it, every time “satan’s squad” fires a credible, competent, “no doubt about it, credible Hall of Famer” head coach … they replace him with a wretched failure?

And why is it, that every time “satan’s squad” hires that wretched failure … that they have the foresight, to fire his ass less than two years later, and replace said wretched failure, with a credible, competent, “no doubt about it, credible Hall of Famer” head coach?

From dan reeves … to “Son of Bum”.

From “Son of Bum” … to shanarat.

From shanarat … to Josh McDaniels.

From Josh McDaniels … to john fox.

God, why can’t “satan’s squad” ever have a run like Paul Wiggin / Tom Bettis?  Or John Mackovic / Frank Gansz Sr.?  Or Coach Hobo / Coach Baffoon?  Why can’t they ever have a five, six year run of utter and complete rank, stinking incompetence?

john fox can coach my team anywhere, anytime, anyplace.  And y’all have no idea how much I despise the fact, my team has to face him anywhere, anytime, anyplace, at least twice a season … and three on those specialist of seasons.

1. Jim Harbaugh, San Francisco 49ers.

Three seasons as the 49ers head coach.

Three NFC Championship Game berths.

Two Conference Championship Games in your first two seasons as head coach, can be done, by mediocrity or worse.  George Seifert did it (1989, 1990).  Barry Switzer did it (1994, 1995).  “Sexy” Rexy Ryan did it (2009, 2010).  Steve Mariucci nearly did it (1997, and would have in 1998 if Garrison Hearst doesn’t blow out his knee, on the opening play of the divisional round game, in Atlanta).

But three?

Never been done before.

Until last year.

You pull off a feat never done in ninety five years of League history?

You earn the top ranking, in the 2014 Stevo’s NFL Coaches Power Poll.

(Pause).

I know – like he gives a rip.

--------------------

(* oh, the answer to your trivia question from Coach Numero Seis?  Oh hell to the mo fo yes, it is my favorite player of all time.  Chadwick Pennington.  That 10 Jets jersey still hangs proudly in the closet, and like the 4 Michigan basketball jersey, and the 1 Nebraska football jersey from the 1996 Orange Bowl, it ain’t ever being given away for anything …)