Friday, July 24, 2015

kickoff 2015: coaches power poll part dos ...

“The first time I saw you?
Oh!  You looked so fine!
And I had a feeling?
One day?  You’d be mine!

Honey, you came along,
And captured my heart!

Now my love is somewhere?
Lost in your kiss.
When I’m all alone?
It’s you that I miss.

Girl, a love like yours?
Is hard to resist!

Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh …

Penny lover?
My love’s on fire!
Penny lover?
You’re my one desire!

Tell me baby –
Could this be true?
That I could need someone,
Like I need you? …”

-- “Penny Lover” by Lionel Richie … which for as long as I compose the Mixology Playlist for Chiefs tailgating (which will be until someone else can magically fuse music as well together as I can … which ain’t happening anytime soon)? 

Will ALWAYS be the first song played at our tailgate.  If you have to ask why?

You need to ride out sometime this fall, and find out why …

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In case you missed it, here’s yesterday’s Part Uno of the 2015 Stevo’s Site Numero Dos NFL Coaches Power Poll.

Also, do you realize that I have literally increased the posting on this site by 25% on the year this week?  What a low, low, low, low, low standard bar this site sets, for giving its readers what they want!!!!!!  (Pause).  Wait, that’s a bad thing.

Here then, the Top Ten Coaches (as I deem them), in the National … Football League, entering 2015.

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10. “Sexy” Rexy Ryan, Buffalo Bills.

As a Jets fan, it pains me that we fired (arguably) the second most successful head coach in franchise history, for one sh*ttacular year.  I mean, the man won 12 games the last two years, with Geno Bleeping Smith under center!  The man won FOUR ROAD PLAYOFF GAMES with The Sanchize under center!  I dare say not even the coach who will top this poll, could win FOUR ROAD PLAYOFF GAMES with The Sanchize under center!  (Hell, that coach LOST to The Sanchize, at home, for crying out loud – the last of those four victories.)

I think Rex Ryan is a tremendous head coach.  I’ve rated him above at least 3-4 coaches many of you reading this, will think I am clinically insane, for rating him ahead of.  (And in your defense?  I probably am clinically insane.  Still.)

I just can’t rank him ahead of the remaining nine, save for possibly one, who is next up.

9. Sean Payton, New Orleans Saints.

There are those who would argue that BountyGate, and last season, took the luster off of Mr. Payton.

I’d argue he just had a sub-par year.  And I congratulate the Saints, for not panicking like Arthur Blank, and firing a damned decent coach for the sake of firing someone, for the sake of change or fanbase clamoring or whatever.

Who are you gonna hire off the street, better than Sean Payton?  (A question Falcons fans will be cursing the answer to, by about Week Six, when it comes to former coach Mike Smith.  And a question us Jets fans are already cursing the answer to.)

That’s the single biggest thing that frustrates me in sports, is the tendency to overrate one god-awful (or one God-given) season.  Here’s this site’s helpful hint, free of charge:

Unless you’re godd*mned certain you can get somebody better?  Don’t fire the devil you know.

You think john elway is actually excited at the downgrade from a coach yet to appear (and he’s still at least two spots away) to “krap of” kubiak?  (Actually, given that mr. elway is at best the False Prophet the Bible prophecies about, and in all reality he is likely the Anti-Christ?  he probably is excited over “krap of” kubiak.) 

A better question – you think your average broncos fan, is excited by this coaching change?  If I was a broncos fan?  Well, that’s a stupid question – I’m not mentally retarded.  I also don’t root for demons, or rot gut evil, which is denver at its soul – rot-gut demon-possessed evil.  But if I was a broncos fan? 

Hang on, I need to chug a handle of Jack, at that mere suggestion …

If I was a damned demon donkey fan?  I’d be IRATE at firing John Fox for “krap of” kubiak.

I know exactly one Saints fan – I work with her.  She’s perfectly fine with Sean Payton returning, under the “he’s better than anyone we could have gotten” theory that should be a given.

Besides, the man coached a team that single-handedly saved not just a franchise, but one of the greatest cities the world has ever known – the 2006 Saints.  And it did it as a blind rookie.

That HAS to count for something.

8. Omar Epps, Pittsburgh Steelers.

Excuse me.  I mean

8. Mike Tomlin, Pittsburgh Steelers.

Do you realize the Chiefs had as many head coaches in thirteen months (December 2011-January 2013) as the Steelers have had since man landed on the moon?

Which franchise do you think has won six Super Bowls since man landed on the moon (while losing two others) … and which franchise do you think has won one Super Bowl (and never playing for another) in those forty six years?

Find your guy.  Sign him long term.  Then back the hell out of him no matter what.

Hell, do you realize the Steelers haven’t fired a head coach since LBJ was in the White House?

Do you realize that somehow, someday, the man I consider to be the greatest NFL head coach ever … is the WORST Steelers coach of the last 46 years, by win percentage?  That Mr. Noll’s successors keep improving on his epic .566 percentage over 22 years?  (Bill Cowher won .623 in fifteen years; Mike Tomlin is at .641 through year nine.)

Find your guy.  Sign him long term.  Then back the hell out of him no matter what.

God forbid the Red and Gold figure this out, for the first time since Marty roamed the sideline.

7. Chip Kelly, Philadelphia Eagles.

One thing about me that I argue is highly, highly underrated – when I am absolutely, no doubt about it dead wrong? 

I own my failure, my lapse of judgment, and I admit it.

I was 100% dead f*cking wrong, about Chip Kelly.

Like I noted yesterday, I’m still a solid 4-5 weeks away from running the schedules and posting my predictions … but I’m leaning Philly to win the NFC.

I freaking love Chip Kelly.

And I have to tip the cap to “The Voice of Reason”, because if we’d have bet on Mr. Kelly’s success?  I’d owe him a boatload of money at this point.

I was wr … wr … wr … wro … wron … possibly incorrect, about Mr. Kelly’s ability to succeed in the NFL.

Winning double digit games every year of your tenure?  Speaks for itself.

6. John Fox, Chicago Bears.

He manned a defense that was so dominant, it carried Kerry Collins to a Super Bowl.  He headed a team that rode Jake Delhomme to a Super Bowl.  He rode “Our Lord and Risen Savior” Timothy R. Tebow to a division title and a playoff victory.  He milked four incredible seasons – all division title seasons, all first round bye seasons – out of a quarterback who missed a full season with basically a broken neck.

And to think – there are actual people who wonder if he’ll be successful coaching Jay Cutler.

Stevo Rule 34 applies, to those mentally challenged folks.

5. Bruce Arians, Arizona “Super” Cardinals.

If Chip Kelly gets praised for winning 20 games in 32 attempts?

Why not stand and marvel in amazement, at Mr. Arians winning 21, in those attempts?

The man had the Arizona freaking Cardinals hosting the Seahawks in prime time with one week to go, with the division and the conference on the line, with a third or fourth string QB under center.

I’d argue the only coaching mistake the Steelers have made in 46 years, is kicking Ol’ Bruce to the curb.  Christ, the man held the Colts together, coming off a 2-14 season, in which their rookie head coach is diagnosed with cancer!  With a rookie QB under center!

I’d be damned proud to have Bruce Arians coaching my team. 

That is NOT a statement I’d make, about Numero Uno on this listing.

(But you’d still fire “Fat” Andy to hire Numero Uno, right?)  Hell yes I would.

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Here we are, the Final Four.

Four AFC Coaches.  All from a different division.

One of these four, will stun you.  I think.

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4. “Fat” Andy Reid, Kansas City Chiefs.

Most years on this poll, he checks in, in the 3-6 range, and that seems right once again. 

Ironic that he has the exact same record, as the man who replaced him in Philly (20-12 regular season, 0-1 postseason, with a heartbreaking collapse in that postseason game).  Ironic that he is importing so many former players, just like his successor in Philly. 

For you Chiefs fans who doubt how great a coach this guy is?  Compare 2011 (so damned similar) to 2014:

2011: Chiefs lose TE Tony Moeaki in final preseason game; wrecks offensive game plan.
2014: Chiefs lose DE Mike DeVito in first game of season; wrecks DL game plan.

2011: Chiefs lose S Eric Berry on first snap of the regular season; wrecks secondary game plan.
2014: Chiefs lose LB Derrick Johnson in first game of season; wrecks running defense gameplan.

2011: Chiefs lose RB Jamaal Charles in second game of season; wrecks offensive game plan.
2014: Chiefs lose G Jeff Allen second game of the season; wrecks offensive line.

2011: Chiefs rally from 0-3 to 4-3, before collapsing to 5-8, then being eliminated at 6-9.
2014: Chiefs rally from 0-2 to 7-3, before collapsing to 8-7, then being eliminated at 9-7.

2011: Chiefs enter Week Seventeen as the only AFC West team without playoff possibilities.
2014: Chiefs enter Week Seventeen still alive with playoff possibilities.

Last year played out so similarly to 2011 – high expectations that injuries destroyed.

And yet, last year played out exactly opposite of 2011 – this team never, ever quit.

“Fat” Andy deserves a damned lot of credit for that.

3. John Harbaugh, Baltimore Ravens.

Wow, are there really only three head coaches in this league, I’d fire “Fat” Andy to hire?

I guess so.

Numeros Tres and Uno will make perfect sense, and I would guess 92.46% of Chiefs fans will agree – we’d fire “Fat” Andy to hire them.  (And I’m guessing a solid 72.69% of you reading this, could make a case for any other coach in this post, to fire “Fat” Andy to hire, because these are the Top Ten, after all.)

I predicted in my look-ahead at the Chiefs schedule that our game at Baltimore will be flexed into prime time.

I stand by that prediction.

And I truly hope it happens.

Because damn – “Fat” Andy against his special teams guru / coaching protégé, would be DAMNED fun to watch aftera  day of imbibing heavily.

2. Bill O’Brien, Houston Texans.

And hang on, let me duck the rotten vegetables.

Because I can hear it now.

How in the name of God Himself can you rank a second year head coach Numero Dos?

For six reasons:

6. Did you see what he did at Penn State, in the wake of (arguably) the biggest disaster to a program in NCAA FBS history (save for the Marshall plane crash)?

5. Did you see who his QBs were in Houston last year?

4. No, really – did you see who his QBs were in Houston last year?

3. Do you realize the Houston Texans were the first team out of the playoffs last year in the AFC?

2. Because I still believe in their probable starter this much … and I’m guessing Mr. O’Brien does too.

1. No, really – he followed a legend at Penn State, and somehow made it work.  He followed the only semi-successful head coach in Texans history, and improved the team by 7 wins.  He’s smart, he’s innovative, he’s not scared to take chances, he’s more than willing to risk a game on a gambit, he doesn’t give a sh*t what the public thinks, and have I mentioned, he somehow followed up Joe Paterno at Penn State, left the program in BETTER shape than the ruins … excuse me.  The (stewie griffin voice) roo-eens it was in, and not only are Penn State fans not irate he bolted after a couple years … they’re all damned grateful he gave them two years?

(Pause).

OK, fine, Numero Uno was more like sixty reasons, but still. 

I love this guy irrationally as a coach.

I am terrified of what I am going to witness on September 13th.  (If only because I think the Chiefs have to open 2-2 to win the West, and at Houston / at Cincinnati are the two most winnable, on paper, of the first four.)

You know who this guy reminds me of? 

shanarat. 

That’s NOT a good thing, Chiefs fans.

1. Bill Belichick, New England Patriots.

I think he’s an unethical cheating bastard.  I’d be morally repulsed and disgusted if he coached the Red and Gold.

(I’d also offer him a 5 year, $300 million contract if my name was Clark Hunt, to coach the Red and Gold, yesterday.)

(What, you expected anything less?  I am a Clinton Democrat for God’s sake – we’ve NEVER given a sh*t about morality or ethics – winning is the ONLY thing!)

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So that concludes your NFL Coaches Power Poll for 2015.  I cannot promise a weekend post; I hope to spend most of my weekend darkening my tan and lightening my hair, poolside.  (This stuns me actually – this is the best tan I’ve had in late July since I spent a happy summer unemployed in 2006 … and my hair hasn’t been this blonde since I used to bleach it on occasion in the early 2000s.  I may be 38, but dammit, I don’t look it!)

I plan to post a few look ahead pieces on the Chiefs in the week to come.  I refuse to promise to commit to the plan, in the interest of openness and honesty … but that’s the plan.


Until then, I give you one of my absolute favorite all-time scenes from “How I Met Your Mother” … and gee, can you feel a “27 Favorite Episodes of This Show Ever” post building … I give you … the Official Animal of Canada … a National Mascot … a “Noble Creature”:


And yes.  Yes, yes, yes -- beavers?

Are adorable creatures ...

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