2016 chiefs in review part dos: bests, worsts, and "the dream schedule"

“Life ain’t always beautiful;

Sometimes it’s just plain hard.

Life can knock you down --

It can break your heart.

Life ain’t always beautiful.

You think you’re on your way,

But it’s just a dead end road,

At the end of the day.

But the struggles?  Make you stronger.

And the changes?  Make you wise.

And happiness?  Has it’s own way,

Of taking it’s own sweet time.

No, life ain’t always beautiful,

And tears will fall sometimes.

Life ain’t always beautiful --

But it’s a beautiful ride! …”

-- “Life Ain’t Always Beautiful” by Gary Allan.

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In case you missed Part One of the 2016 Chiefs Season in Review, you can click here to access it.  (Warning: it’s a long, long read.  This part … will probably be shorter.)

Here now is Part Two of the Chiefs Season in Review -- my favorite (best) moments, my least favorite (worst) moments, and The Dream 2017 Schedule.

Part Three will be Professor Stevo’s Grades; Part Four will be Ten Moves I Want the Chiefs to Make this Offseason.  And if there’s a Part Five?  Even better.  But not likely.  I have exactly one week to knock these three parts out before Selection Sunday hits … and given that you’ve gotten one post out of me since Election Day, this could be a challenge.

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The Best Game (Quality): Week Twelve at those people.

Even if the Chiefs had lost that game, I have to admit the Captain Oats in the room -- that was one fun battle.  You had everything leading up to about three minutes to go in overtime.  You had the Chiefs scoring via every scoring play imaginable -- a safety, a kick return, a couple extra points, a field goal, a 90 yard touchdown drive to score as time nearly expired, and the two pointer to tie.  And now you’ve traded field goals with those people in the extra session, and they’re lined up to attempt a 65 yard-ish field goal try to win.  Even if that sucker goes in, it’s still the highest quality game, start to finish, the Chiefs delivered all season.  The fact that those people's kicker's attempt missed, and the Chiefs staged yet another last minute drive -- to win on “The Doink” to boot as time expired! -- only adds to a game that had long before clinched this nomination.

Honorable Mention: Week Three vs Jets.  Eight turnovers!  Eight!  Every time the Jets touched the ball, they coughed it up!  (Or so it seemed.)  Throw in my "wait, he actually likes this?" weather conditions for football (70s and light rain * ), coupled with a national TV audience in the stand-alone late afternoon slot, the whole day was just spectacular.

(*: I’ll always prefer 85ish and sunny for football.  Or any outdoor sporting event, for that matter.  Warm enough to potentially enjoy “The Perfect Stevo Day”, which involves my feet propped up, my ass in my chair, cold beer in my coozie, and my t-shirt and Birkenstocks nowhere in sight.  But 70s and light rain is pretty damned cool.  It’s warm enough that the rain / drizzle feels really good on you … but not decrepit condition enough that the game is a slopfest.)

Worst Game (Quality): Week Four at Steelers.  Honestly, this is the only nominee.  The other four losses, the Chiefs lost by less than a possession, and lost due to their own ineptitude.  (Couldn’t find the end zone at Houston; threw costly pick in the end zone vs Tampa; stupidly iced an already frozen kicker vs Tennessee; "The Hold" or "The Conversion" vs Pittsburgh in the playoffs).  Everything about the Steelers game was a disaster from the start -- it was 22-0 before I’d even cracked open my second frosty cold Coors Light, for God’s sake, and it’s not like I nurse those suckers.

Dis-Honorable Mention: Week Fifteen vs Titans.  God above -- you get up 14-0 in negative nine actual temperatures, at home, and choke it away, to a kid from Hawaii, who had (and this is a true fact) never, prior to that day, played a game where the temperature was below forty?  Let alone below freezing?  Double let alone below zero?!?!?!?!

Best Game (Entertainment): Week Sixteen vs those people.  The Chiefs had not beaten those people ** at Arrowhead in six years.  The last time those people left Arrowhead as the defeated asshats they are, Josh McDaniels was coaching them.  (At least until the plane landed; he was fired immediately after that defeat.)  Since then, the Chiefs had dropped five straight, three of them in prime time, at home to those people.  To exercise the demons of five years, with the eyes of the entire nation upon us, on Christmas Night to boot, given that those people are affectionately referred to as “satan’s squad” by myself and a few fellow members of my tailgating crew … that was spectacular.

But to clinch the victory with “Fat” Andy’s ultimate double-middle finger “f*ck you!  No really -- f*ck you!” salute of having 350 pound Dontari Poe line up in the shotgun, the game already clinched, and use “The Tebow” against the team that employed him?  That was … well, to quote that chick from Seinfeld: “that was real, and it was spectacular!”

Or as I noted at The Bus afterwards: “that was f*cking awesome! (multiple fist pumps)!”

(**: for those who wonder why I refuse to even acknowledge the denver broncos exist, just know my hatred of those people is ... well, there's only two people in life I despise as much as those people, and go figure, one of those two people, is a fan of -- and her family (at last check) season ticket members of -- those people. But setting aside personal ill feelings -- I choose to refer to the denver broncos as "those people", because that is what General Lee always referred to the Union soldiers opposing him as -- "those people". He didn't want to dignify his opponent with a shred of respect towards them. I feel the same way, about "those people" in the mile high city.)

Honorable Mention: Week Nine vs Jaguars.  Any time you can have your tight end ejected for imitating a ref -- and using his flag as a prop to boot -- it’s quality entertainment.  When you can double down on that with your stud cornerback, upon recovering a fumble in the end zone, “punting” the ball into the stands in celebration, and the refs don’t even flag it, they’re either (a) too clueless it occurred or (b) too awe-struck at how awesome that spontaneous celebration was?  (Note: I lean (b).)  That’s entertainment the likes of which you have to go to a shack in the corn fields in unincorporated Douglas County, to compare it to.

Worst Game (Entertainment): Week Two at Houston.  I was there.  Trust me -- every f*cking moment of that day sucked.  Including the lovely afternoon deluge that made the Sam Houston a f*cking parking lot trying to get out of town, back to the Metroplex afterwards *** .

(***: seriously Houston, I love you.  No really -- I do.  You’re at worst my fourth preferred place to live in this fine country we call home (behind the Metroplex, Kansas City, and either tied or ahead of Tampa / St. Pete.)  You're also the home base to a sixteen / seventeen year old clone of, uuh, sixteen / seventeen year old me. But seriously Houston -- enter the 1880s already.  Build a curb or six in your lovely metropolis.  Or at least put drains on the side of the freeways, since most of them are elevated anyway.)

Dis-Honorable Mention: Week Fifteen vs Titans.  Four minutes of fun followed by fifty six minutes of “wait, what’s happening here / how is this happening / what the f*ck is he thinking?” horror and regret.  

Or, how you’d describe a typical hookup with your Friday night pickup at The Eclipse (rimshot!)

Best Play: already covered this one.

Worst Play: “The Conversion”, Divisional Round vs Steelers.

The two most talented Chiefs teams of this century, were the 2003 squad, and this past season’s squad.  Both hosted a divisional round playoff game against a team that, despite an inferior record, was probably the better team.  Both staged one hell of a battle against that probably superior opponent.

And both games ultimately came down, to a 3rd down, deep in their opponent’s territory, with the game on the line.

In 2003, it was a 3rd and 6 that Marvin Harrison got 6 and two inches on, that sealed the Chiefs 38-31 defeat to the Colts, in the last game of The Chiefs Experience as I -- and many of you -- knew it to be.

This year, it was a 3rd and 3, that Antonio Brown turned a quick out into seven yards, to seal the defeat.

If the Chiefs had held there -- and to be honest, it’s the second down play that hurt more, when the Steelers gained five on a play that if DJ was healthy, would have been an incompletion, because God love him, Steven Nelson is no Derrick Johnson -- if the Chiefs had held on that third down, then the Steelers are punting from their goalline coming out of the two minute warning.  The Chiefs likely get the ball at midfield -- with no timeouts -- but only needing about twenty yards (factoring in wind and weather conditions) to attempt the game winner, thirty yards to feel confident about it.

If the Chiefs had held there, do you really think the team that stole a win at Carolina, stole a win at Atlanta, had two last minute drives to win inside hell itself on a Sunday night, had already staged the biggest comeback in franchise history to open the season -- you mean to tell me, if the Chiefs force the punt there, they DON’T get the twenty yards to give Pedro the chance to win the game?  

They would have.  They absolutely would have stolen that playoff game, had they held on third down.

(And if you’ll buy that?  I’ll throw the Golden Gate in free!)

Of every play this year that went against us -- this is the one that ended the season.  (“clue” voice) Antonio Brown, on the field, with the football.  The only way that could have been more fitting, is if his last name was a different color.  Say, Plum.  Or Green.  Or Scarlett.  Or White.  Or Mustard **** .

(****: please, dear God, tell me if you're reading this, you’ve at least played “Clue” before.  Also, is mustard a color, or a condiment?  The jury’s out on that one, I would think.)

Dis-Honorable Mention: “The Hold”, Divisional Round vs Steelers.

Yeah, it sucked.  

It also was without question -- (allard baird voice) without question! -- the right call to make.

Best Tailgate:

Damn.  This is tough.  (Pause).  There’s only one way to do this.

Let’s go to the … hang on, I have to do this properly.

(good ol’ jr voice) Good God!  Good God Almighty!  That’s the Tale O’ The Tape Voice!

In this corner, weighing in at approximately thirty tailgaters, is Week One against the Chargers!  And in this corner, weighing in at approximately forty tailgaters, is Week Fourteen against the raiders!

(jimmy lennon jr voice) It’s … SHOOOOOWWWWWWTIMMMMMMEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

As always -- Seven Questions of Great Significance.  Three Possible Outcomes.  Two Contestants.  One Winner.

Question One: did Breckenridge Distillery provide over $600 in alcohol cost-free to use at said tailgate, in exchange for … actually we’re not quite sure, why Breckenridge Distillery provided over $600 in alcohol cost-free, for use at said tailgate.

Chargers: no.

raiders: yes.

Winner: raiders.

Question Two: did McFadden’s at Power and Light provide $300 in gift cards to use at said establishment for a future away game, in exchange for … actually, we’re not quite sure, why McFadden’s at Power and Light provided $300 in gift cards to use at said establishment, for a future away game.

Chargers: yes.

raiders: no.

Winner: Chargers.

Question Three: is said opponent looking to flee its jurisdiction, screw over its fanbase, and pursue the almighty dollar, in a pathetic and embarrassing cash grab that should remind all fans that “this above all: to sinful, indefensible greed be true”?

Chargers: yes.

raiders: yes.

Winner: push.  We are all losers here.

Question Four: the traditional tailgating meal.

Chargers: chicken.

raiders: ribs.

Winner: raiders.  Although the chardonnay chicken isn’t a bad (this day and age voice) second place victory.

Question Five: the tailgating weather.

Chargers: high 70s, not a cloud in the sky.

raiders: mid 30s, windchill in the 10s.

Winner: Chargers.  Tents and t-shirts optional!

Question Six: (afroman voice) “Because I got high?  Because I got high?  Because I got high!”

Chargers: yes.

raiders: yes.

Winner: push.  I’m the winner here.

So, as we reach Question Seven -- the Question of Great Significance -- tied at 2-2-2 between Chargers, raiders, and “push”, there can only be one winner.  And that winner is …

Question Seven: Not one, not two, not seven, but twelve great friends, made the trek down from Sioux Falls, to root on their team … and enjoy one awesome, epic weekend of friendship, family, and (fidelity ad guy voice) why not, fun, frivolity, tomfoolery, and hijinks?

Chargers: no.

raiders: yes.

Winner: Week Fourteen, vs raiders!!!  (kazoo voice) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I mean, if Adam Drey makes an appearance, what more needs to be said?

And … thanks for playing.

Worst Tailgate: Week Sixteen vs those people.  Not only was it Christmas Day (which led to a late arriving crowd), but you try putting multiple tents up when the wind is blowing at 65mph!  It SUCKED!  At least donkey got his pacifier.  That’s about the only thing worth remembering about that tailgate.

Dis-Honorable Mention: Week Eight at Colts.  Only mentioned because Colts fans were too nice to us obnoxious Chiefs fans.  I expected confrontation and rage.  Instead, I got “you guys are gonna kick our ass today … want a beer?” politeness and respect.

Wait -- how is this a dis-honorable mention?!?!?!

Best Player (Offense): Travis Kelce, TE.  When I get to the Professor Stevo Grades the Roster post, this will seem like utter hypocrisy … but in fairness to Mr. Kelce, he was the best player on the offensive side of the ball that occupied a skill position.

Honorable Mention (Offense): Mitch Morse, C.  If you’d told me two years ago the Chiefs wouldn’t even miss Rodney Hudson, I’d have laughed.  

Best Player (Defense): Eric Berry, S.  If any other player on defense even receives a first place vote, you should immediately check that voter’s sanity.

Honorable Mention (Defense): Marcus Peters, CB.  Had Derrick Johnson’s season not ended against the raiders in Week Fourteen, this slot would have been a coin flip between Mr. Peters and Mr. Johnson.

(Also, in the interest of full disclosure and complete honesty (neither of which I practice in real life), Mr. Peters is not only my favorite player on the roster ... I wear his jersey for damned near every game. I think this is an awful thing for Mr. Peters -- the last three players jerseys I wore during games were (in order) Derrick Thomas (died), Shawn Barber (sucked), and Derrick Johnson (can't stay healthy). (Pause). I think it's time to retire the 22 to the back end of my closet.)

Best Player (Special Teams): Tyreek Hill, PR/KR.  I hope this season -- especially off the field -- is a sign of what we will see for the rest of his life.  I pray it’s not the outlier.

Honorable Mention (Special Teams): Cairo Santos, K.  I have long said any kick outside of forty yards is a crapshoot.  I rarely if ever blame the kicker for a miss beyond forty.  (Thirty or less?  That’s a different story.  Even I drilled a thirty yarder at the NFL Experience (brantley gilbert voice) back in the day.  If I can drain it, what the hell is anyone’s excuse for missing?)

Mr. Santos was two for two beyond fifty this year.  He was six of seven from 40-49 yards out (and his only miss from beyond forty was at Pittsburgh, a game that was over before I was done with my first beer, for God’s sake).  He drilled game winners, on the road, against BOTH defending conference champions as time expired -- in regulation (at Carolina), and in overtime (at those people).  Let that sink in -- he nailed pressure, literal “season ending kicks” to BOTH defending Super Bowl teams, on the road, as time expired.  That at least earns you an Honorable Mention in the Bests and Worsts of 2016.

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With that, the Bests and Worsts draws to a close.  (If only because a lot of specific plays I want to use in the Professor Stevo Grades post, to defend why I praise or condemn a specific person.)

Part Two of, uuh, Part Two, is one of my favorite exercises in futility: The Stevo Dream Schedule!

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Acknowledging three givens up front:

1. This will not be the Chiefs 2017 schedule.
2. If I get more than two of these right, it’s a miracle.
3. A kid can dream.

It’s (3) that inspires this exercise.  So let’s establish a few parameters, a few ground rules, going in, for the 2017 Dream Schedule:

1. The Royals schedule does matter.  It’s highly likely that the Chiefs will be on the road Week One and Week Four due to that schedule … and said Royals schedule also influences at least one preseason “dream” matchup.  (Note: saying “dream matchup” and “preseason” in the same sentence, should be punishable by seven to twelve in the county slammer.)
2. My travel schedule matters (at least for this bad boy).  I know going in that I am going to at least two roadies this fall (Cowboys, Texans ***** ), and am highly likely to attend a third (Jets).
3. My work schedule also matters.  My job is currently in a state of transition, so I’m not sure what my reporting parameters come September will be, versus what they have been for the past seven years.  (I no longer report to Seattle effective April 1; I’m back under the Chicago wing of the company.)  I have been led to believe that the month-end deadlines will be more relaxed going forward.  I’ll believe it when I see it.  And most importantly
4. The Chiefs rarely if ever play a team in the preseason they face in the regular season.  The last time I recall that occurring was 2011, when they closed the preseason at Green Bay, and hosted Green Bay in Week Fifteen.  So I draw the preseason opponents based on that reality.

Got it?  Good.  Here we go.

(*****: I never miss a regular season or playoff game involving the Chiefs in my adopted home state … unless the Chiefs play at Houston and at Dallas in such close proximity, it makes two trips financially impossible.  This has happened exactly once: 2005.  The Chiefs played at Houston on a Sunday Night right before Thanksgiving, then visited Dallas a couple weeks later.  I could afford one.  I chose Dallas.  Go figure -- the Chiefs blew out the Texans in the true “take off the diapers” game for Larry Johnson … and lost a crushing last second defeat to the Cowboys, to cripple 2005’s postseason chances.)

Preseason:

Week One: at Vikings, Saturday, August 12, 7pm CT (KCTV).

Week Two: vs Browns, Saturday, August 19, 7pm CT (KCTV).

Week Three: at Bears, Saturday August 26, 7pm CT (KCTV).

Week Four: vs Rams, Thursday, August 31, 7pm CT (KCTV).

Reasoning / Rationale: the only one that matters to me is Week Two.  The Royals host the Indians on August 19th.  GIve us a true Double Header Day for the first time since 2010, schedule gods!  Please!  Because few things in life make me happier than a fifteen hour extravaganza at the Sports Complex.

(Also, I’m not sure if the annual game with the Rams is still in effect or not, given their move to Los Angeles.  I assumed it was, for this exercise, given that we went to LA in the 2016 preseason.)

Regular Season:

Week One: at Texans, Sunday, September 10, 3:25pm CT (CBS).

Week Two: vs raiders, Monday, September 18, 7:25pm CT (ESPN).

Week Three: vs Dolphins, Sunday, September 24, noon CT (CBS).

Week Four: at Patriots, Sunday, October 1, 3:25pm CT (CBS).

Reasoning / Rationale: the Chiefs have opened their road schedule the last two years at Houston.  Why f*ck with what is working?  I love opening the home schedule in prime time against the raiders -- a battle for divisional supremacy right off the bat.  The Dolphins seem like a relatively “lower key” matchup, in between prime time against the raiders, and traveling to visit the defending Super Bowl champions with the nation watching.

There’s no reason the Chiefs can’t be 3-1 after the first quarter.  There’s no reason they should be worse than 2-2.  

Week Five: at “Super” Chargers, Sunday, October 8, 3:05pm CT (CBS).

Week Six: at Jets, Sunday, October 15, noon CT (CBS).

Week Seven: vs Eagles, Sunday, October 22, noon CT (FOX).

Week Eight: vs Bills, Sunday, October 29, noon CT (CBS).

Reasoning / Rationale: yes, this means four of the first six on the road.  So what?  Three of them are either very winnable, or the Chiefs are highly likely to be road favorites.  Then you close October with a couple of winnable home games against two decent squads you’d fear on the road … and should beat 30-20 at home.  This quarter of the "Dream Schedule" has 4-0 potential.

Week Nine: at Giants, Sunday, November 5, 3:25pm CT (CBS).

Week Ten: vs Steelers, Sunday, November 12, 7:25pm CT (NBC).

Week Eleven: bye.

Week Twelve: at Cowboys, Thursday, November 23, 3:25pm CT (CBS).

Week Thirteen: at those people, Sunday, December 3, 3:25pm CT (CBS).

Reasoning / Rationale: by far and away the toughest quarter of the schedule … but with some comfort built in.  The late bye essentially negates the penalty of playing on Thursday … and buys you additional time to prep for the annual entrance into the eighth layer of hell itself.  Chiefs / Steelers almost always is in prime time -- it’s about the most rock-solid guarantee on the schedule, actually: Steelers / Chiefs, in prime time.  The only question is what day does it occur -- Thursday, Sunday, or Monday.

Week Fourteen: vs Redskins, Sunday, December 10, noon CT (FOX).

Week Fifteen: vs “Super” Chargers, Sunday, December 17, noon CT (CBS).

Week Sixteen: vs those people, Monday, December 25, 7:25pm CT (ESPN).

Week Seventeen: at raiders, Sunday, December 31, 3:25pm CT (CBS).

Reasoning / Rationale: since the NFL loves scheduling three game home stands for the Chiefs in November or December (or intersecting the two months ****** ), in the words of the Fidelity Ad guy: “why not?”

Open the stretch run with the Redskins at home, in a sneaky good “maybe this one gets flexed” inter-conference matchup that could have major impact on both the NFC East and AFC West postseason participants.  Then what should be the easiest home game on the schedule -- a divisional rival with a fanbase it despises, and has turned its back on.  You want games like that, at home, in the home stretch.

Those of you who have read my “Dream Schedule” pieces before know I always schedule denver at Kansas City for Thanksgiving night.  And come next year, I will again.  But come on -- Christmas Night last year was damned fun, wasn’t it?  Let’s do it again when the opportunity presents itself!  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  No, that is NOT what I said to the last regrettable pickup at the Eclipse!  They’re regrettable for a reason!

Finally, since the NFL went to ending the season against a divisional opponent in 2010 (a move I strongly supported then, and would argue now is the single biggest credit to the Roger Goodell Error … I mean, Era, as commissioner), they have closed as follows: vs raiders / at broncos / at broncos / at Chargers / vs Chargers / vs raiders / at Chargers.

They have never closed at home against denver, or on the road against oakland, since this schedule shift began.  (They have done those things in the past -- memorably closing at home against denver in 1992 (a de facto playoff game the day after Christmas that the Chiefs not only won 42-20, and not only saw denver head coach dan reeves fired as a result of that outcome, but led to my favorite Kevin Harlan outburst as the Chiefs play-by-play announcer: “Not even Santa Claus can save the denver broncos today!”) and at the raiders in 1991 (decided who hosted the wild card game, Chiefs or raiders), 1994 (a de facto playoff game the day before Christmas, that the Chiefs won 19-9), 1998 (Marty’s final game as Chiefs coach, a Chiefs victory to end arguably the most disappointing season in franchise history), and 2002 (a raiders blowout played in a monsoon that gave them home field advantage, and led to their Super Bowl berth).)

So I’m banking on one of the two to happen this season … if only because both eventually will.  

I can think of worse places to spend New Year’s Eve, than in The Garage, with Rudy, Ian, Tom and Nicole, Adam, and whoever amongst you ventures up with me for that roadie.  (Note: I always go to Sioux Falls for the raiders road game, to enjoy it with the raiders fans who come here for their game against us, every year.  And Double Note: I cannot WAIT until that road trip … is a flight to Vegas, come two or three years from now.)

So there you go -- the Dream Schedule.  Zero prime time road games (although five are in the late afternoon national slot … and the fifth of them, is eligible for flexing to prime time to end the season).  Four prime time home games (which did happen once when the Chiefs lost a Divisional Round playoff game at home the season prior -- 1998.  The Chiefs opened at home against the raiders on Sunday Night, hosted Seattle on a Sunday Night (“The Rain Game”), hosted Pittsburgh on a Monday Night, and hosted denver on a Monday Night (“The Monday Night Meltdown”)).  

The third quarter stretch is by far the toughest -- 3 of 4 on the road, all 4 against regular playoff participants.  The second quarter is the easiest -- the two road games the Chiefs will be solid favorites in, and two very winnable home games -- all four games against teams that failed to get on the positive side of .500 in 2016.  (And in three of the four team’s cases, didn’t come within shouting distance of .500 last year.)

Hope Part Two of the look back at the 2016 Chiefs worked for you.  Part Three should be Professor Stevo’s Report Card.

Even odds Part Four or Five, will be a Fake Mailbag.

What can I say, other than the theme to this post not only defines what the 2016 Chiefs were?  But what this incredible gift of God known as “life”, is:

“(It) ain’t always beautiful --

But it’s a beautiful ride!”

As always, until next time: (sgt. esterhaus voice) “let’s be careful out there …”

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(******: you doubt me?  2009, three straight in December -- denver, Buffalo, Cleveland.  2010, three straight in December / January (counting playoffs) -- Tennessee, oakland, Baltimore.  2011, three straight in November -- San Diego, Miami, denver -- and four out of five, with Pittsburgh in prime time closing the month.  2012, three straight in November / December -- Cincinnati, denver, Carolina.  2014, three straight in November -- St. Louis, Jets, Seattle -- and four out of five, with denver in prime time closing the month.  2016, three straight in December -- oakland, Tennessee, and denver -- and four out of five (counting playoffs), with Pittsburgh in prime time to end the season.  I mention this, because it is f*cking cold in Kansas City far more often post-Halloween, than it is “unseasonably warm”, which makes those late season lengthy homestands “somewhat unpleasant” most of the time.)

the top twenty seven of twenty sixteen

“Yeah, you can be the greatest;

You can be the best.

You can be the King Kong

Banging on your chest.

You could beat the world;

You could win the war.

You could talk to God;

Go banging on His door.

You can throw your hands up;

You can beat the clock.

You can move a mountain;

You can break rocks.

You can be a master --

Don’t wait for luck.

Dedicate yourself?

And you’re gonna find yourself

Standing in the hall of fame!

And the world’s gonna know your name!

‘Cause you burn with the brightest flame!

And the world’s gonna know your name!

‘Cause you’ll be on the walls

Of the Hall of Fame! …”

-- “Hall of Fame” by The Script. 

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(dr. nick riviera voice) Hi everybody!

Wow, has it really been three months since I last fired up the laptop and typed something up to post on this site?  You’d think I had been in a deep, dark denial of depression regarding being so, so, so incredibly right about who would win the Presidency or something.  (Pause).  Oh.  Let’s just move on.

Anyways, a lot has happened in the three months since that post went up.  Some things stay the same; some things change a lot * . 

But perhaps the second biggest change of the last three months in my life?

Is something that happened while I didn’t even realize it was happening.

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(*: I set out a “bold agenda” for Year Forty on this planet regarding my life.  Specifically, three things I wanted to change / fix / decide once and for all.  I wanted to move and get out of South Bosnia (aka “the Cerner Redevelopment” area).  I need to replace the car, now that the original POS is paid off, and my shady credit is pretty much rebuilt from the destruction done to it five, six years ago.  And I need to decide once and for all, the “coin flip” I’ve been debating for two decades now -- do I want to spend (for all intents and purposes) the rest of my life in KC … or in Texas.

The first of those has been decided -- I moved two weekends into a house in South Waldo that I’m renting the top floor of.  So far, I couldn’t be happier.  Honestly, the only thing I don’t like about the new place is the shared driveway … but if I’m being fair and honest here?  If I decide “Texas” when I make that decision later this year?  I’m gonna have to get used to a shared alleyway with multiple driveways, as opposed to just one with two.  So I’m good with it.

One action item down.  Two to go.  If nothing else, 2017 is going to be the year that defines my life.  (my parents voice) It’s high damned time you decide who the hell you are!  You’re forty now!)

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I always try to pick “The Theme” for each post, to match how I feel about said post.  Because my life moves to music.  Don’t ask why -- I stopped trying to figure me out fifteen years ago, when I actually went to a mental health counselor in the wake of contemplating suicide, and she thought I was so messed up, all she could offer was chemical dependency to cope.  Which is why I think psychiatry is, uuh, psych.  As in false, not a semi-decent television show that ended a few years ago.  Because after all, wasn’t it chemical dependency on booze and weed that explained why I was so f*cked up at that point?

Anyways, back to the point -- the theme.

The first post I, uuh, posted last year, was the recap of the trip to witness the Chiefs win their first playoff game in a generation.  And the moment that hit me the rawest (and most awesome) was as Sean Smith sprinted for the northeast end zone at NRG Reliant after the 30-0 victory went final … and the PA system started playing “Holiday” by Green Day.  It just PERFECTLY captured the moment:

“I beg to dream and differ?

From your hollow lies!

This is the dawning

Of the rest of our lives!”

Twenty two years of being the AFC postseason’s “ejaculation rag”, gone, via one thirty point ass whipping that was decided seven seconds into the game.  (Note: that play seven seconds in, will help explain Number Sixteen in the Top Twenty Seven below.  (Pause).  The play part, not the “look at my new “ejaculation rag” part.  Just to be clear.)

Exiting Arrowhead after the playoff defeat, I hit play on my iTunes, and a song by The Script popped up.  I can’t say that surprised me -- “3” is one of my favorite … whatever you call a cd, nowadays.  I already used the song off that cd that defines how I feel about my last year at least -- “If You Could See Me Now” -- earlier this season.  I love the live version of “Breakeven” (the song that put The Script on the map), included on the deluxe edition of “3”.  And you can argue the song off of “3” I should have chosen for the theme to this post, sums up what most Chiefs fans feel from January to March -- “Six Degrees of Separation”:

“First?  You think the worst is a broken heart.

And what’s gonna kill you is the second part.

Then the third?  When your world,

Splits down the middle!

Fourth?  You’re gonna think that you’ve fixed yourself.

Fifth, you see them out with someone else.

And the sixth?  Is when you admit,

You may have f*cked up a little!”

That pretty much describes us Red and Gold addicts from the final game of the season … until at least the second installment is paid on the season tickets, which is when you realize:

“Oh there’s no starting over?

Without finding closure.

(Which is) When you take them back?

No hesitation!

That’s how you know you’ve reached?

The sixth degree of separation!”

Yet that awesome lil’ track?  Is not what pulled up.

Instead, what pulled up off of “3” … is the song The Script is perhaps best known for … and that made absolutely zero f*cking sense to pull up in that moment -- exiting Arrowhead, after arguably the most painful defeat inside that building since January 2, 2000.

“Hall of Fame”.

Say wha?!?!?!

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I have been saying for at least 21 years (or, literally, over half of my life) that the 1995 Kansas City Chiefs are my favorite team of all time, and the only way they could be knocked from that perch is when or if a Chiefs team reaches the Super Bowl.

I was wr … wr … wr … possibly incorrect, about that statement.

Because exiting Arrowhead that tragic Sunday evening?  Just hearing the anthem playing in my ears?

I flashed back to so many incredible, epic, unforgettable moments from the previous four, five, six months.  At least seven of which I didn’t cram into this look back -- and there’s at least twenty nine, tucked inside these twenty seven … one of which, upon review, is way too high; one of which, depending on how the offseason plays out, may be at least ten spots too low.

(If you were in your seat, in the west end zone, at least thirty minutes before kickoff before the Divisional Round game, you know EXACTLY what moment I’m referencing.  I’m almost disgusted with myself, that I only rated it Number Eleven.  Then I look at what I rated ahead of it … and other than Number Seven?  You find a moment to boot for it.)

Because in thinking back over the season that was, on that long, cold, wet, defeated walk back to The Bus? 

I have to admit something about the 2016 Chiefs?  I didn’t think I would ever say about a non-1995 Chiefs squad that failed to bring Lamar’s Trophy home.

1995 Chiefs?  In the words of our President: “you’re fired!”

(Which, in fairness to Mr. Trump, to quote Dierks Bentley: “am I the only one” who realizes Mr. Trump flat out stole that catchphrase from VIncent Kennedy McMahon?  I’m not?  OK, that makes me feel better.)

The 2016 Chiefs have stolen the gold medal podium, for my favorite sports squad of all time.

Below, are at least twenty seven, of the reasons why that is.

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These are the moments that made this season so f*cking amazing to me.  This probably won’t match your list, were you to create one.  Especially since at least a few of these are moments from tailgating, road trips, and “you had to be there” scenes of life, that sadly most of you only get to read afterwards about, rather than live them in the moment, and enjoy the hell out of the incredible gift this thing called “life” is, at least for me.

(Wow, did I just say life is incredible, and a gift?  Maybe that shrink did help me fifteen years ago!)

The Top Twenty Seven of Twenty Sixteen:

27: The (Literal) Dumpster Fire -- vs Buccaneers, Week Eleven.

26: “You Smoke?” -- vs Chargers, Week One.

25. The Doink -- at those people, Week Twelve.

24. The Return That Was(n’t) -- at Texans, Week Two.

23. “Spray And Put Your Hand There!” -- vs Jaguars, Week Nine.

22. The ShotSki -- vs raiders, Week Fourteen.

21. “It’s Not A Noose!” -- vs those people, Week Sixteen.

20. “Holy Sh*t -- The Window’s Open!” -- at Colts, Week Eight.

19. The Best “Punt” in Franchise History -- vs Jaguars, Week Nine.

18. The Hold -- vs Steelers, Divisional Round.

17. The Safety -- at those people, Week Twelve.

16. The High Five Nobody Else Would Understand -- vs Jaguars, Week Nine.

15a. “Eric Berry May Have Just Saved The Chiefs Season!” -- at Panthers, Week Ten.

15b. “Eric Berry May Have Just Saved The Chiefs Season!” -- at Falcons, Week Thirteen.

14. The Comeback Begins -- vs Chargers, Week One.

13. “Hungry Pig Right?!?!?!” -- at raiders, Week Six.

12. The First STM Email For the Divisional Round -- vs Steelers, Divisional Round.

11. “Blame It On The Rain” -- vs Steelers, Divisional Round.

10. DJ’s Greatest Tackle -- at raiders, Week Six.

9. “Tyreek!  Tyreek!  Tyreek!” -- vs raiders, Week Fourteen.

8. The Second STM Email For the Divisional Round -- vs Steelers, Divisional Round.

7. “Did You At Least Wager On It?” -- vs Chargers, Week One.

6. The First Two Point Interception in NFL History -- at Falcons, Week Thirteen.

5. Marcus Peters Drags DJ Into the End Zone -- vs Jets, Week Three.

4. “Holy Sh*t!  He Stripped It!  He F*cking Stripped It!” -- at Panthers, Week Ten.

3a. “Come on Replay.  Come on Replay.  Come o -- Here We Go!” -- at those people, Week Twelve.

3b. “”No Matter What, There’s No Way Christmas Night Can Top This!” -- at those people, Week Twelve.

2. My Favorite Moment in Arrowhead History (aka “the Chiefs Topped It”) -- vs those people, Week Sixteen.

1. “F*ck Yeah!  F*ck Yeah!  (Fist Pumps!)  F*ck Yeah!” -- vs Chargers, Week One.

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There are seven plays I cut … that I totally understand, if you rip me for not including them.  Those three seven are:

* Albert Wilson’s fake punt TD at Atlanta, Week Thirteen.  If I didn’t include random “whoa!” and “tailgate greatness!” moments in this listing, this would have probably ranked Number Seven.

* Tyreek Hill’s kick return TD at those people, Week Twelve.  I picked four other plays from that game; this one got sacrificed for the greater good.

* Travis Kelce’s flag taunt, vs Jaguars Week Nine.  Even I laughed at it.

* Travis Kelce’s quick out 80 yard TD sprint, vs raiders Week Fourteen.  Just awesome.

* Tyreek Hill’s punt return at Chargers, Week Seventeen.  Sealed the division.

* Danny Sorenson’s TaINT vs Saints, Week Seven.  The Saints crawled back, but couldn’t overcome this one.

* Demetrius Harris’ fumble return for a TD vs Jets, Week Three.  Blew a close game wide open (it came on a kickoff fumble) … and set the stage for arguably the greatest defensive performance in Chiefs franchise history.

I told you people, this was a season unlike any I’ve ever seen …

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27. The Literal (Dumpster) Fire.

The Chiefs have just lost to the Buccaneers, 17-19, to fall to 7-3, facing an impending trip to fake mile high the following Sunday night.  To make matters worse, the raiders stood poised to seize the division away from both the Chiefs and satan’s squad (also 7-3) if they could win the following day against the Texans (they did). 

To say things were depressing exiting Arrowhead that day, is an understatement.

I took my sweet, sweet time heading back to The Bus after that game.  Because few things suck more in life, than departing a defeat at Arrowhead.  I already know even before the schedule is announced, that I have to build in a solid 30-45 minutes after the game, before we even depart for home, given the ridiculous traffic issues, and the fact that my group arrives and departs in a 1963 Dodge school bus.  And if (Lord save us all) I am stuck with the “get us home dude!” duties as the driver?  It’ll take even longer, because I suck at driving a stick shift to begin with, let alone one that lacks power steering.

(Plus -- and on this point I know I’m right -- you try navigating a f*cking school bus (jimmy buffett voice) between the navigational beacons known as “Gate Six Toll Booths”.  It ain’t easy.  And sorry, Cheetos dude -- it ain’t cheezy, either.)

I finally get back to The Bus, and I notice everybody is standing up at the front of our tailgating area, staring at something across the way.  That something?

Was the sacred tailgating grounds of Arrowhead, literally on fire:

(photo credit: me, via my iPhone 6s.)

A real life dumpster fire, immediately after the sole indefensible loss of the season, for the Red and Gold.

In the words of the great David Naster: “sometimes?  You just have to laugh!”

26. “You Smoke?”

Ten years ago, I exited Arrowhead after what should have been a season-ending defeat to the Ravens, to drop the 2006 Chiefs to 7-6, with a brutal three game, “probably gotta win them all” finish, still to go.

I was so disgusted leaving that day, that I took my frustrations out on the G30 light pole, kicking that bastardo every time another thing popped into my head I was disgusted by, that had occurred over the previous three hours.

Most of you who know me best, know that when “Mount Stevo” erupts, it’s best to just stay away and let the “lava” flow.  Just let me vent.  Don’t do anything to make it worse, and once the lava stops flowing, I’ll make it up to you. 

Thankfully, ten years ago, one person didn’t know that.

Because a buddy of Dusty’s approached me, ignored my look of murderous rage at attempting to reason with me in that moment, and simply said “you look like you need this”, before handing me a medicinally legal herbal product I may or may not enjoy way too often, already grinded and rolled into a Swisher to boot. 

Roll the clock forward ten years.

Exiting Arrowhead after the victory that set up everything that followed it (the Home Opener, a 33-27 overtime win over the former San Diego “Super” Chargers), I reach The Bus, punch up the Victory Song (“Dancing On The Ceiling”), and this sixteen, seventeen year old kid whose group had tailgated next to us emerges from The Bus, holding a couple Coors Lights, and simply asks me “you smoke?”, as he shows me his dugout.

As I noted in the Chargers game recap: “I’m done.”

Ten years after I needed to get high to cope with defeat?

I was damned proud to get high, to celebrate victory. 

Via a sixteen year old’s dugout.

I’m not sure what that says about me, but I’m sure it’s a positive thing.

Oh, and also -- we’re not done with tailgating from the Home Opener yet.  Because the funniest moment from Tailgating 2016, will appear in the Top Ten of these moments. 

25. The Doink.

Seth Keysor rated this one fourth in his favorite moments of the 2016 season, and yeah, I can understand why you’d do that.  Beating satan’s squad inside the eighth layer of hell for a second year in a row, is a really great thing.

But that wasn’t even the fourth or fifth best moment from that victory, and every Chiefs fan knows it.

Cairo Santos banging the game-winner off the upright, and somehow getting it through, as time expired in overtime, to beat those people 30-27 was epically sweet.

But Cairo Santos’ game-winner doesn’t top at least three other moments, still to appear in this fond, affectionate, “good f*cking God, he just wrote another 27 page post that doubles as toilet paper!” look back at my (now) favorite sports squad of all time.

24. The Return That Was(n’t).

I’ve been blessed enough to step foot inside what I still consider to be the finest NFL facility I’ve ever attended a game in, three times in the last sixteen months.  (That would be NRG Reliant, in Houston … where the Super Bowl just went down.)

The 2015 Opener (a 27-20 Chiefs win).  The 2015 AFC Wild Card Game (a 30-0 Chiefs win).  And 2016 Week Two (a 12-19 Chiefs defeat).

With a fourth trip guaranteed sometime between September 10th and December 31st!

This, for all intents and purposes (sweet Jesus, why do I keep quoting an, uuh, quote, that Mitch Holtgus uses all the time, and that I despise -- “for all intents and purposes”), for all intents and purposes, this is the game that Tyreek Hill arrived.

Because he took a punt return to the house … only to have it negated by the single biggest bullsh*t holding call of the 2016 Chiefs season.

(Yes, the single biggest.  Sorry Chiefs fans -- Eric Fisher all but sodomized that Steelers defensive end, on the two point conversion attempt.  If we lived in Biblical times?  Eric Fisher would be turned into a pillar of salt, for doing to that Steelers player, what he did, on that conversion attempt.  Also, we’re coming to that play in approximately three more pages.)

The Chiefs lost the game … but ultimately won the war, because that was the moment the coaching staff began to believe in Tyreek.

We’re not done with Mr. Hill yet in this post, for what it’s worth.

23. “Spray and Put Your Hand There!”

If there’s anything in life I will never be accused of being, it is street-savvy, or street-smart.

The morning of the Jaguars game, The Bus wouldn’t start.  This is not an uncommon occurrence; usually the solution is something as simple as “spray some ether on the starter while I turn the key”. 

Apparently that didn’t do the trick that Sunday morning, so Russ removed the filter over the carburator, and told me to “spray then put your hand there” as he turned the key.

I did exactly that.

The Bus started.

My glove literally caught on fire.

Who knew that spraying a can of ether over a carburator, as gas floods into it via the key starting the engine, as your hand holds down the opening, would start a small fire?

Not this guy.

22. The ShotSki.

I live a very charmed, blessed existence, even if half the time it seems like I’m the biggest f*ckup and failure mankind has ever known.

The first preseason game, against the Seahawks, was about as perfect of a day as you could think up -- high 80s, not a cloud in the sky.  Half of my tailgating group had other plans that afternoon they couldn’t get out of … but the rest of us ventured out, occupied our usual spot, and we wound up making friends with the chick who parked next to us, a lady named Jennifer, who works for Breckinridge, a distillery in Colorado.

She gave us some stuff to use throughout the season, but thankfully decided that the raiders game, was what she would use, to advertise and market her company’s product to the masses at Arrowhead.

And she used our tailgate to do it.

We turned the beer pong table into her own personal liquor cabinet … and since I had to lug four -- (mike gundy voice) FOUR! -- full boxes of whiskey, vodka, and gin, over to said beer pong table, trust me, we got more than our $0.00 money’s worth of drink on.

Because Jenny brought in the ShotSki. 

At first, I thought it was another promotional item (which we’d been hanging up around the tailgate).  Oh no.

It was a ski … with four carved holes to put a shot glass in.

And then you and three buddies, had to do a shot at the same time.

The “loser”?  Would have what was left of his or her shot, dumped onto him or her, since if you finished at least third, your shot glass would be dry.

Needless to say, I loved it.  As did everyone who tried it.

21. “It’s Not a Noose!”

Christmas Day.  Chiefs.  “those people”. 

It is tradition that every year, the donkey doll gets a new noose around his neck, to hang by during the tailgate.  It is a tradition that started in 2011, when Cinco Noose Donkey was found at the thrift store off 63rd and Woodson.  He came armed with a noose.  He’s added one every year since -- a real rope in 2012, a leather strap in 2013, an easy-up discarded piece in 2014, and a dog chew toy in Chiefs colors in 2015.  Frankly, his neck is so clogged with nooses, the Klan is jealous of this thing by now.

Hence the decision, to not turn Cinco, in Sies, Noose Donkey.

Instead, he got something far more fitting -- a pacifier.

For every Chiefs game from now until the day I die, that bastardo will be sucking on his Chiefs pacifier … while hanging from the five nooses around his neck.

20. “Holy sh*t, the window’s open!”

Week Eight.  “The Kids” of our tailgating group (of which somehow, I’m still a part of) took off for Indianapolis, to take in the Chiefs / Colts matchup.

I was geeked for this trip for a number of reasons, not the least of which is the fact that I have yet to attend a game in a retractable roof stadium, where the roof was open.  Every time I’ve been to Houston or Indy, it’s either been (a) so early in the season the roof is closed due to the heat and/or humidity, (b) so late in the season the roof is closed due to the cold and/or inclimate weather, or (c) I’m there for a NCAA Tournament game, so of course the roof is closed.

I honestly thought there was at least a 50/50 shot the roof at Lucas Oil would be open on October 30th.  And truth be told?  It could have been.  The temperature was in the high 60s … but there was a slight chance of rain, so the roof itself stayed closed.

But the side window?  Oh, it was open.  It was WIDE open.

Seriously -- Lucas Oil has a freaking side window that lowers depending on the conditions outside.  That’s … (john davidson voice) that’s incredible!

Don’t believe me?  Here’s your visual proof!

(photo credit: me, via my iPhone 6s.)

19. The Best “Punt” In Franchise History.

Everything about Week Nine should, on paper, have been a f*cking catastrophe for the Chiefs.  No Alex Smith (concussed -- twice!).  No Jeremy Maclin.  No Jamaal Charles.  No Justin Houston.  A desperate Jaguars team (2-5) facing its’ last gasp stand to save a hopeful season gone horribly wrong.

And for most of the day, a game of potential catastrophe multiplied by pure desperation played out as expected -- a craptacular battle of punts, mistakes, and occasional defensive breakdowns disguised as offensive achievements.

Trailing 19-7 early in the fourth quarter, the Jaguars took over at their own 25 yard line after Cairo Santos’ fourth field goal of the day.  Four plays later, the Jags stood at the Chiefs one, poised to punch it in with over ten minutes to play, threatening to do what I feared so tremendously entering this game: they’d steal the win and screw the season.

On 2nd and Goal at the 1, the Jags handed it off to Chris Ivory … who promptly had the ball stripped by Jaye Howard … and said ball was promptly recovered by Marcus Peters midway in the end zone.

And then, Mr. Peters showed off yet another skill only a player so talented and awesome, as the person whose jersey I wore this season, could pull off.

He punted the ball into where I used to sit (george harrison voice) all those years ago, into Section 109.

Somehow, incredibly, the refs didn’t notice it.  I did -- clear across the field, opposite end zone, and even I saw Marcus Peters raise the ball, drop it, and kick it into the stands.

(jim mora jr voice) It was really neat!

(Mr. Peters would do it again the following week in Charlotte.  It wasn’t as neat -- it nearly cost the Chiefs a victory they flat out stole, via a moment yet to appear.)

18. The Hold.

I’m not going to get into hysterics over this one, because it was a blatant hold on Eric Fisher. 

To set the scene, the Chiefs have just managed to reach the end zone, to pull to within two at 16-18 with a little under three minutes to play.  Arrowhead is going nuts.  All the Chiefs have to do is convert a two point conversion, and they’d have finally caught the Steelers, again, with barely three to play, and finally, for the first time really since 2003, the reason you fight for home field advantage would matter in the postseason at Arrowhead, and that reason is one reason, and one reason only:

Bolster the defense, with the game on the line.

In 1995, in 1997, the Chiefs home field didn’t matter in large part, because the final drive was the Chiefs offense trying to score.  Even in 2003, everyone knew last team with the ball would win, and the deciding drive was really with eight minutes left (when satan converted a 3rd and 6 to Marvin Harrison, for all intents and purposes ending the game.) 

(And let’s not discuss 2010, a game that was for all intents and purposes, over by the end of the first quarter.)

The thing is, even with the conversion, succeed or fail?  It’s still what you try to get home field for -- because with a stop, all the Chiefs would need is a field goal to win, irregardless of the two point attempt.

For a solid two, three seconds, as Demetrius Harris once again caught a clutch pass near or in an end zone (which is ironic; he couldn’t catch a cold on any other part of the field, let alone a ball), it was everything we’d dreamed of.  Our team was FINALLY good enough, to risk everything on one final stand, and we in the stands would play a monumental part, in how that drive turned out.

“Holding, 72, Offense.”

The reason this play doesn’t irritate me like it should, is because I have my doubts that the Chiefs defense would have held.  They stopped the Steelers three times all game long up to that point: one punt, one turnover, and one kneeldown to end the first half.  The other six Steeler drives ended in points.  The odds of the Steelers driving forty yards in three minutes to nail a seventh field goal were pretty good.

Still -- if the hold is overlooked (as it so often is in that spot * Cough Patriots in AFC Title Game Cough *), and the Chiefs tie it at 18?  Is Arrowhead just THAT much louder on the 3rd and 7 that decided the season?  Is it just THAT much louder on the 2nd and 12 before it?  (Remember, the Steelers lost two, on the first play of the game-clinching drive.)  Does Coach Asshat reign it in and play for overtime, rather than air it out on that 2nd and 3rd down?

Let’s hope we get some answers to those questions, when Coach Asshat and his Steelers roll into Arrowhead this fall, for what is all but assured to be a prime time contest. 

17. The Safety.

I’m not sure what stuns me more -- that this only ranks seventeenth … or that I ranked it third, on the list of moments from the Sunday Nighter that (hopefully) forever has turned the balance of power of the AFC West back towards Kansas City?

(Cairo Santos’ game winner already appeared back at Number Twenty Five; there are still two moments left to go, and I left Tyreek Hill’s kick return after The Safety on the cutting room floor.)

For the better part of twenty minutes, the Chiefs and those people played to a defensive masterpiece.  Especially by the dueling linebackers, von miller and Justin Houston.  For those who love a quality defensive struggle (Pick me!  Pick me!), it was tremendous theater.

And then, the Chiefs pinned those people deep, late in the second quarter, and on third down, Mr. Houston came untouched around the end, and dropped the worthless trevor siemian to the turf for the first points of the contest.

Couldn’t have happened to a more deserving dude -- both the person giving the business (Mr. Houston) … and the classless asshat taking it.

16. The High Five Nobody Else Would Understand.

Early second quarter, against the Jaguars, the Chiefs insert Knile Davis into the lineup, and he takes a simple handoff up the middle for no gain.  For at least 70,000 people in attendance that afternoon, that play meant nothing.

For three of us in Section 132, it set off a high five celebration that “How I Met Your Mother” would be jealous of.

Knile Davis got a raw deal from this franchise -- both last year, and this year.  Yes, it was a stupid, worthless play in an ultimately mundane victory over a garbage opponent.  But “Fat” Andy, and John Dorsey, having to eat their pride and admit Knile Davis brings something of value to this team -- enough to put him on the field and give him the ball -- meant a lot to me, Ryan, and Tyler.

To understand what that something is?  You had to be there in Section 121 last January, anticipating the opening kickoff of the Chiefs first playoff victory in a generation, I guess.  But trust me -- the three of us, more than understand it.

15a. “Eric Berry May Have Just Saved The Chiefs Season!”

15b. “Eric Berry May Have Just Saved The Chiefs Season!”

Pick your NFC South roadie, that saw Mr. Berry return a timely TaINT to keep the Chiefs in a game they had no business being a part of, as your favorite.  Because I can’t.

His TaINT in Charlotte gave the Chiefs life, led to a tie as time wound down, and ultimately let Number Four occur, to win the game.  His TaINT in Atlanta gave the Chiefs life, allowing Number Six to ultimately occur, to win the game.

If the Chiefs lose EITHER game, the raiders win the division. 

(Pause).

The more I think about it?

The more I think Number Eleven is CRIMINITELY underseeded, in this countdown.

14. The Comeback Begins.

In the history of the Kansas City Chiefs franchise -- about to enter Season Fifty Eight -- the Chiefs had NEVER won a game in which they trailed by more than twenty points, entering the 2016 season.

With barely a quarter and a half to play in the season opener, the Chiefs trailed the Chargers 24-3.

Thus began, a comeback for the ages, a simple quick slant to Tyreek Hill … to pull within two touchdowns.

We’re not done with this game yet.  Not by a long shot.

13. “Hungry Pig Right?!?!?!”

If you had “Alex Smith throwing a quick out to Dontari Poe for the touchdown to clinch a win over a hated divisional rival!” as the most ridiculous play call that would work all season long?

You’d be so, so wrong.  In a really, really good way.

12. The First STM Email for the Divisional Round.

If you peruse through the long-forgotten archives of this site from 2009, 2010, 2011, even occasionally in more modern times, you’ll notice that I had an addiction -- most would argue it was (is?) my most unhealthy one -- I had an addiction to a show called “American Idol”.

No season of “Idol” thrilled me more than Season Six.  Part of it was due to the fact that Season Five’s Top Two was so indefensible, I had reached the “If Bochco Brings Rick Schroeder Back For Another Season, I’m Out” Memorial Moment of television watching with the show.

Thankfully, Mr. Bochco saved my favorite show of all time, by tastefully offing Danny Sorenson in a strip club mob hit, then dumping the body in the (stewie griffin voice) roo-eens of the Twin Towers, to open Season Nine of “NYPD Blue”.

“Idol” did better -- it gave us fans not only the best top six of any season … but my favorite champion, Jordin Sparks.  (In the interest of full disclosure, this site’s puppy / pony / rooster / rubber chicken rooting interest in Season Six was the runner up, Blake Lewis.  But I was perfectly cool with Jordin winning.)

So when the Divisional Round STM email arrived on the Wednesday before the Steelers game, and I scrolled down to see who would beperforming the National Anthem, and saw it was none other than Jordin Sparks, let’s just say, it got a lil’ bit excited in the Casa de Stevo.

Somehow?

The Chiefs would manage to top that email, barely 48 hours later … with what is quite possibly, my favorite non-personal email, I’ve ever received.  (We’re getting to it -- it’s in the top ten.)

(Also, Note: the link for Ms. Sparks' performance is beyond sh*tty, is shot from the opposite end zone of where I sit, and doesn't even come close to doing justice, to how epic not only Number Twelve was ... but how ... uuh ... (lee corso voice) aw, f*ck it!, tear inducing, the next moment to come?

Is.)

11. (Milli Vanilli Voice) “Blame It On The Rain”.

There are not words to describe, what Eric Berry meant to the 2016 Chiefs season.  Not then, not now, not ever.

And if you were in your seat (ideally in the west end zone), about thirty minutes before kickoff of the playoff game against Pittsburgh? 

Words weren’t needed.

Since I can never even attempt to top what the moment meant, compared to Seth Keysor’s reaction (which damned near mirrors mine, save for not having two kids with me), I strongly encourage you to click and read his favorite moment of the 2016 season.

Like I said … I ranked this one way, way too low.

Because I swear to Christ, it was rain falling from my face, as the golf-clap of applause ... built into an appreciative round of applause ... built into "if this is it, if this is your last appearance here as one of us, we're not letting you leave until you at least can possibly comprehend how f*cking much we love you dude!" appreciation.

It wasn't tears.  I swear.  Ask Milli Vanilli -- they always tell the truth!

10. DJ’s Greatest Tackle.

Derrick Johnson’s best moment of the season (at least according to me) is still yet to appear … but this one needs to be noted.  At oakland Week Six, the Chiefs clinging to a lead opening the 4th Quarter, and the raiders have a 1st and 20 near midfield.  They call a quick screen pass to the running back … and Derrick Johnson arrives as the ball does, nearly decapitating the poor raiders player.

I watched this game -- as I do every game the Chiefs play at oakland -- in The Garage in Sioux Falls, with a gigantic contingent of raider fans (and us six Chiefs fans -- the five who made the trek up, and Leslie, the sole Chiefs fan in Dakotaland, apparently). 

Folks?  Even the raider fans were in awe, at DJ’s full on destruction of their player on that play. 

So in awe, in fact, that when Rudy, Ian and I blew off everyone else later that evening and headed over to Eastway for a beer or three ** , we all raised a glass to toast that play, when it aired at halftime of the Colts / Texans Sunday nighter.  When you’re raising a glass to praise the enemy, as those two die-hard raider fans did?  You know it’s something … hang on.  I cannot do a countdown of my favorite plays from my now favorite Chiefs season, without including a quote from arguably the single most influential person to draw breath in the 20th Century.

Ladies and gentlemen, the great Mr. Hugh M. Hefner.  Hef?

(the great mr. hugh m. hefner voice) That was something … REALLY special!

Aw, Hef!

(**: The Eastway is a bowling alley off of 10th Street in North Sioux Falls.  It is the only bowling alley I’ve ever stepped foot in, that approximates how the late, great Shawnee Village Bowl used to be (brantley gilbert voice) back in the day.  It also has Shiner Bock on tap.  Yes -- Sioux Falls has a bowling alley with Shiner Bock on tap.  The two bowling alleys I frequent here in Kansas City (College Lanes, where my league bowls, and Ward Parkway, where I practice, since it’s four blocks from home), do not have Shiner Bock available period.  Not even in a bottle.  And somehow?  Eastway is at best the third go-to bar, in Sioux Falls when I visit.  I swear to God, if it wasn’t below zero four months out of the year, I’d move there yesterday.)

9. “Tyreek!  Tyreek!  Tyreek!”

Thursday, December 8th.  A little over midway through the second quarter.  The Chiefs have just accepted a penalty against the raiders, resulting in a second attempt to get a punt off, with the Chiefs up 14-3.

I believe the chant started in the opposite end zone of where I sit (I sit in the west side), but by the time marquette king got the punt off, the chant was undeniable.

“Tyreek!  Tyreek!  Tyreek!”

Nearly 80 untouched yards later, the second loudest moment of the season had unfolded.  Tyreek Hill, to the house, to all but bury the raiders’ chances at winning the division.

Somehow, this moment -- which, to be fair, did lead this incredibly handsome dude to realize it was awfully, awfully dusty in Section 132 at that moment -- this moment barely cracked the top ten from this past season:

God bless *** , was 2016 something special, in the annals of the Red and Gold’s history.

(***: since I keep getting asked the “why do you say “God Bless” so much nowadays” question … I made my mommy a promise to “cut back on using the Lord’s name in vain”.  And I am trying to honor that promise.  But -- if you employ your $100,000 Pyramid thinking cap, and replace “bless” with “something a beaver builds”, then you can get what I truly intend to say, when I say “God Bless” or “God Bless It”.  Oh -- and if “really” precedes “bless” in that phrase?  As in “God Really Bless It”?  Then just assume it’s my favorite phrase ever, by subbing in the only word that can be used as all eight parts of the English language, for “really”.  And “really” yeah -- the f bomb can be used, as all eight parts, of the English language.  That’s so “really” awesome, “really-er”!)

8. The Second STM Email For the Divisional Round.

Friday, January 13, 2017 dawned like a typical January day in this fine metropolitan area known as Kansas City that most of you reading this have called home at some point in time.  It was cold, but not bitterly so (about 30 as I recall, a month later).  The city was beyond fired up for the playoff game … and beyond ridiculously nervous about the impending weather forecast, which called for the “Ice Storm Of the Century” to occur Saturday night into Sunday morning.

I was in meetings most of the day Friday, and I got back to my desk a little after 2pm, at which point I checked my phone, and saw about six text messages -- and one “marked” email arrival -- notifying me of what can only be described as one of the greatest thrills of my football fandom life.

“The NFL has notified the Chiefs …”

Prime.  Time.  Playoff.  Football.  At.  Arrowhead.

I literally stood and shouted “Sweet Jesus, Yes!  Yes, Yes, Yes!”  Fist pumps were raised.  The poor guy who sits next to me just looked and laughed.  (He’s used to me by now … I think.)  My buddy Eric came over and couldn’t stop smiling -- prime time playoff football at Arrowhead!

Either Ryan or Tyler texted me -- “is it true?”  (They drive up four hours from Springfield for every game.)  Hell yes it’s true!

NFL fans?  When the NFL permanently moves the noon Sunday Divisional Round game to Prime Time (probably beginning this season)?  Just like you have the Chiefs to thank for hosting the first ever prime time Thanksgiving game?

You can thank us for the first ever prime time Sunday Divisional Round game.

7. “Did You At Least Wager On It?”

I have long said that if you can’t laugh at yourself, then you’d better brace for everyone else laughing at you.

I don’t take myself too seriously.  I like to believe I not only have a tremendous sense of humor, but I can roll with any punch life throws at you better than your average bear can.

So for the Home Opener, our friends from Springfield brought up a chick who openly hit on me last season … and began to do it again this season. 

Last season, I was too clueless (aka drunk) to recognize it, until the moment had passed.  This season, I caught on right away … only, well … I’m pretty much spoken for.

And I noted that to this chick, that I’d met an amazing person over the summer, and that for this day and age, she’s the one for me.

Which led the chick to ask “it’s a girl, right?”

Of course it’s a girl!  Why?

Because apparently she and her friend had a wager on whether I was clueless about her blatant hitting on me last year (the chick) … or whether I am gay (the friend).

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: my life is the next great NBC “Must See Sitcom”, just waiting to happen.  Right down to Gus playing the David Leisure “wacky neighbor next door that nobody can figure out why he’s here, but the laugh track justifies it” role.

6. The first two point interception return in NFL history.

The only reason this one doesn’t rank higher, is because I truly believe the Chiefs would have won that game in Atlanta, even without this play.  We still had over four minutes to play, following the Falcons taking a 28-27 lead, awaiting their two point conversion attempt.  I firmly believe -- especially based on everything that had happened in the season up to this point -- that the Chiefs would have driven the field and won.

But they didn’t have to.  Because on that two point conversion attempt, Matt Ryan dropped back to pass, was fooled by the coverage, and threw it right into Eric Berry’s waiting arms … and 103 yards later, the Chiefs led 29-28, and the Falcons never touched the ball again:

Chiefs?  You have to resign this dude.  Period.  I’m not usually someone who throws out the “money can be no object, just get it done” sentiment.  I get that you have to churn the roster, and that it’s better to move on a year too soon, than a year too late.

Chiefs?  If Eric Berry is not starting for this team come September 7th, 10th, or 11th (whenever we open our season)?  I’m gonna be p*ssed.

5. Marcus Peters drags DJ to the end zone.

Possibly I rated this one too high -- the capper of all cappers, to seal the Chiefs blowout, eight-turnover victory over the Jets in Week Three.

Because the (almost) final turnover, was DJ picking off Ryan Fitzpatrick for the fifth time that rainy late afternoon, and just as he approached the end zone and was visibly gassed from juking and outrunning the entire Jets offense over the course of the previous seventy yards, Marcus Peters grabbed the front of DJ’s jersey, and drug him over the goalline, to seal the victory.

Few plays this season made me openly laugh out loud, like that one did.  If only because -- and if this isn’t proof I am beyond loved in this life, I don’t know what is -- I had six -- six! -- freaking text messages within thirty seconds of this play, asking me if a ceiling was about to be danced on.

You people know me way, way too well, sometimes.

4. “Holy sh*t!  He stripped it!  He f*cking stripped it!  We’re going to win!  We’re going to f*cking win this f*cking game!!!!!!!”

That quote would be me, on The Deck, as Marcus Peters flat out stole the ball from the Panthers inside of thirty seconds to play, to set up “Pedro’s” game winning field goal as time expired, to beat the defending NFC Champion Panthers in their building, all but ending their season.

To be fair, that game is the one that all but convinced me, that this team’s squad is the only one in my lifetime, that even approached the 1995 Chiefs, for a level of greatness earned.  Because winning that game in Carolina, is something no Chiefs team save for that 1995 squad, could have done.

The offense did nothing -- literally nothing.  They did manage a two point conversion to pull within three, but that’s the only time they found the end zone all day.  It was all defense, all special teams, and man, was it beautiful.

(Also, Ian Eagle with the "Karate Kid Part 1" "Sweep The Leg" reference on the link above, is just priceless.)

But not as priceless, as the four moments still to come.

(Pause).  What?  (Pause).  Yeah, I know there’s only three slots left.  You choose which one should have been slotted at 3 … and which one should have been slotted at 3.  Because I can’t pick which play was bigger.

3a. “Come on replay.  Come on replay.  Come o -- here we go!”

3b. “No matter what, there’s no way Christmas Night can top this!”

3a was said by me, as Pete Morelli emerged from the hood of the replay booth, a solid ninety seconds after what I believed to be a touchdown catch by Tyreek Hill, with less than ten seconds remaining, to pull the Chiefs to within two at 22-24, against those people.  

3b was said by me, as Demetrius Harris -- a man who dropped the ball more in 2016 than I did growing up, playing on the grass at Holy Trinity every chance we got.  (There’s a reason why Samie Parker was always referred to as “Hands of Steve”.  Like Mr. Parker, I couldn’t make a catch to save my ass, no matter how perfect the throw was.)

Do yourself a favor, and block off the next six minutes, to relive what in damned near any other season, in damned near any other rivalry, would be the "piece de resistance" of greatness.

That "piece de resistance"?  

Spent less time at Number One, than "Closer" by the Chainsmokers.

You decide which lack of top billing is more offensive.

Because I can.

Cue Number ...

2. My Favorite Moment in Arrowhead’s History.

OK, fine, so 3b above?  Proved to be a total, utter bullsh*t lie.  I didn’t even get to make the lie that 3b was, last a month, for God’s sake, before the sh*t shook hands with the fan, at the ridiculous assertion that nothing could top the awesomeness of stealing a game in those people’s building with the nation watching.

Something could top it -- ripping the division from the dead, bloodied, bruised, defeated carcus of those people, with the nation watching.  Which is what happened, Christmas night.

(For those of you new to this site, and still reading at this point?  I f*cking HATE the denver broncos more than anything in life, and that includes ISIS, religious conservatives, people who hate credibly religious people, Trump blind apologists, and the leftist lunatics who cannot accept Mr. Trump’s election.  Basically, I tend to hate extremes either way … and the denver broncos no matter what.  Thanks for reading.)

For five long, painful years, the denver broncos have owned the Kansas City Chiefs.  It began in 2011, when tim tebow beat the Chiefs at Arrowhead in Week Ten, a game that ultimately determined the division.  It continued in 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015 -- the last three in prime time -- as “those people” entered the hallowed grounds of Arrowhead, and imposed their will upon us.

For five long, painful years, the Chiefs were the red-headed stepchild to the denver broncos legitimate heir.

Then came Christmas Night.  Specifically, then came Dontari Poe.

The Chiefs led 27-10, with a first and goal exiting the two minute warning of the second half.  Predictably, the Chiefs played it conservative, sending Charcandrick West up the gut for a yard, content to bleed the clock as close to triple zeros as possible.

And then, for some reason, those people chose to call a timeout.

In my seat, I was irate.  Part of it was because I was cold, wet, and already sick to begin with.  Part of it was because I wanted a celebratory chug or five of champagne at finally beating those people at home, after five straight painful defeats.

But mostly, I just wanted to hear our good friend Lionel Richie to open the postgame tailgate.  Those people were beat, whipped, defeated.  And yet here they are, calling timeouts to stall a lost cause?

Aw hell no!, said this ridiculously sexy-as-hell wannabe blogger.

And aw hell no!, said “Fat” Andy Reid, on the Chiefs sideline.

Because into the game, came Dontari Poe.

I would venture 99.24% of those of us there, or watching at home, thought this would be a run up the gut with Mr. Poe.  I was one of those 99.24% … for about two seconds, until the guy next to me grabbed my arm, yanked me down to yell into my ear (because Arrowhead was ridiculously loud, knowing what we thought was about to come, having seen Mr. Poe enter the game), and Craig shouts “where’s Smith?  There’s no QB in the huddle!”

Uuh, there was a QB in the huddle.

His name … was Dontari Poe.

So when Mr. Poe took the snap, took a step towards the line of scrimmage, and then perfectly pulled off the play that put mr. tebow on the map ten years ago against LSU … yeah, Arrowhead exploded:

You can claim it was louder when Tamarick Vanover was (al michaels voice) “officially gone!”, in what for years was my favorite play, the overtime punt return touchdown to beat the defending AFC Champs on a Monday night in early October 1995.

I’ll say you’re probably right.  But, I would argue, Arrowhead has never been prouder, than when Demetrius Harris caught Mr. Poe’s pass, for the “fuck you denver!” exclamation point, “Fat” Andy intended that play to be.

And in any other season, in any other scenario?

That’s Numero Uno not only on the season, but possibly of all time, given that the 2016 Chiefs have replaced Mr. Vanover’s 1995 Chiefs on my Favorite Sports Squad-o-Meter.

And yet, it only ranks second.

My personal choice for number one?

Probably doesn’t rank in many of your top five’s.  (It should at least rank in your top ten’s, if you’re being fair.)

But it’s my site, it’s my choice.  And for me?

There’s no doubt, what the greatest moment of this season was.

--------------------

(****: normally I am the leading advocate of the “shut the f*ck up, we have the ball!” coalition when the Chiefs are on offense in the red zone, and the crowd gets jazzed anticipating what’s coming.  Folks?  Seeing the formation, seeing Mr. Poe in the shotgun, and realizing what “Fat” Andy was about to cram down those people’s throat (to throw their lord and risen savior, timothy r. tebow’s, moment that put him on the map, right back in their face?  Even I was yelling ridiculously … and was going ape sh*t crazy, when Mr. Harris made the catch.  When you’re up seventeen?  It’s ok to break the rules.  Especially if it involves humiliating those people, or any of their worthless fans.)

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1. “F*ck Yeah!  F*ck Yeah!  (Fist Pumps!!!!!!)  F*CK YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!”

For once, that quote wasn’t uttered by me.

It was shouted by Alex Smith, in the west end zone, after his two yard plunge to open the first drive of overtime, sealed the single greatest comeback in Chiefs franchise history -- from down 24-3 in the third quarter, down 27-10 with barely nine minutes to play -- to 33-27 victory.

It is the play that, to me, defined the 2016 season.  Out of nowhere, greatness happened.  And it happened by someone you least expected to deliver it.

I mean seriously, Chiefs fans, just look back over the moments above.  Anything from Marcus Peters, Eric Berry, or even Derrick Johnson, you can see happening.  But NOBODY thought Tyreek Hill would inspire 78,625 of his closest friends to shout his name in anticipation of a punt return.  NOBODY thought Dontari Poe would throw the defining “f*ck you!” moment of a sixty year rivalry, to end those people’s season (and close their championship window). 

And nobody, with nine minutes to play, rationally thought “the Chiefs can do this.  Alex Smith can author this.  We’re winning this game!”  God knows I didn’t think it.

But someone did. 

Alex Smith.

Cue the highlights, culminating with the play that not only is one of the greatest in franchise history ... but sealed a victory that launched one of the greatest seasons in franchise history:

God Really Bless It, this season really did hit the theme, that opened this post.

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Consider the first in my usual season-ending "Chiefs in Review" posts.  I won't promise a second, third, fourth, or fifth, or more, because if I make you no promises, I cannot tell you any lies, right?

Any feedback, reaction, or drunken and/or stoned commentary in response to the above?  There's a comments section, and my email is linked in my profile.

If I do what I intend to do, the next post will be my Bests and Worsts of the 2016 Chiefs, as well as my Dream Schedule for the 2017 Chiefs.  Then after that, Professor Stevo grades the 2016 Roster, Coaching Staff, and Front Office.  And then possibly my free agent and draft thoughts.

Until next time: