(stevo sighing in abject disgust) here we go again ...

"If you only once would let me;
Only just one time!
Then be happy with the consequence?
With whatever's gonna happen tonight.

Don't think we're not serious --
When's it ever not?
The love we make?  It's give and it's take --
And I'm game?  To play?  Along ...

All I can say?
I shouldn't say!

But can we take a ride?
Get out of this place,
While we still have time?

You wanna take a ride?
Get out of this place,
While we still have time --
Yeah, we still have time! ...

I can't say I was never wrong;
But some blame?  Rests on you!
Work and play?  They're never ok,
To mix?  The way?  We do.

All I can say?
I shouldn't say!

But can we take a ride?
Get out of this place,
While we still have time?

You wanna take a ride?
Get out of this place,
While we still have time --
We still have time!!!! ..."

-- "Work" by Jimmy Eat World, which (and this phrase is gonna be typed a few times in this post), which, "in the interest of full disclosure", is one of my six favorite songs of all time.

--------------------

The last two weeks of August are always kind of rough for me.  Primarily for three reasons.

One of my best friends growing up, took his own life August 20th, fourteen years ago.

(And four days later, at a concert he was slated to attend with me * and a group of friends, I witnessed what I thought was the single most ridiculous thing I'd ever write about: me, breaking down for twenty plus minutes, sobbing like a newborn baby in need of a bottle, in a bathroom stall at whatever the hell they call Sandstone now, as the weight of that event finally hit me raw.)

(Although in my defense, I was in desperate need of a bottle.  (scott hall voice) Hey yo!)

Six years ago, the person I counted as my best friend in life, effectively murdered that relationship, via a text message from his wife on August 15th that kicked off all kinds of ugliness I'm not ready to have a bathroom breakdown moment about yet, all these years later.

(Denial: no longer just a river in Egypt!)

And like clockwork, to complete the trifecta, you can always -- always! -- count on the Red and Gold doing something ridiculous, mentally challenged, and / or legally questionable, when it comes to tailgating and parking, as the preseason ends.

So I guess I should start by congratulating the Kansas City Chiefs, for at least upholding their end of the bargain.  As I've noted many, many times in my past, when I judge someone's actions: "I don't ever get pissed when you meet my expectations for you".

So congrats, Chiefs, on meeting my barest minimal expectations for you ** . 

Because you never fail to.

--------------------

(*: the version linked above, never fails to make me cry.  Cannot believe it's been a year.)

(**: I'd forgotten how miserable that Eagles tailgate started out as.  Also, whoever the hell is lifting the flag in the Alex Smith jersey in the video inside the linked article (and given the video's location, he's raising that bad boy maybe three, four rows in front of where we tailgate) -- I want those shorts.)

--------------------

In case you missed it, the Chiefs are effectively ending tailgating as we knew it, uuh, effective this season.  They've decided that if you're just (luke bryan voice) here to party, that's not good enough for them.  Either you use your ticket to enter the stadium, or you will be (presumably) forcibly removed from the Truman Sports Complex.

(I loved Sam Mellinger's tweet imaging how that is gonna play out.)

Now, in the interest of fairness, on the scale of dumb f*ck retarded Chiefs parking and/or tailgating ideas, this falls somewhere between "herding cars through police crime scene tape to the front of the lot" and "not letting you use cones to save spots". 

(For me, that'd rate about halfway between "doesn't affect me" and "you're getting on my nerves".)

Because for me, this is at worst a minor inconvenience.  Ditto for pretty much every person I've tailgated with for (hang on, carry the six ...) thirty plus years and counting.

And yet, it should be a major annoyance for any fan of this team ... because the rationale and/or reasoning for this decision, is so dumb f*ck stupid?

Stevo Rule 34 is being invoked *** .

--------------------

(***: it's now Stevo Rule Uno.  (Pause).  Yeah, probably should have been eight years ago too.)

--------------------

I've never driven to rode to arrived at Arrowhead for a game, without the intention to enter the stadium for the game.  I've always either had my ticket on me, or was armed with cash to scalp one.

(And only once have I shown up for a Chiefs game and failed to enter, in fact: the Steelers Sunday Nighter in 2011, when I puked (at least) 6 times during tailgating while braving a 104 degree fever, and I was ordered to go home, which "The Ex" so kindly took me to, (brantley gilbert voice) back in the day.)

(And yes, I still stand behind every word in that linked post.  The past can't be changed.  Although how sometimes I wish, the present could.)

Honestly, I don't think I've ever attended a college or pro game before, with zero intention of entering the stadium or arena. 

I've never been to a game just to tailgate.

Or a funeral.  Or a wedding.  Or a wake.  Or a Short Friday at the Office Charity Fundraiser.  Or a ... yeah, you get the point.

I've never been to anything in life, just to tailgate.

But I know people who have, and do. 

So let me assure you, Chiefs: this is going to go over about as well as asking me to give the Homily.

And for the record, Chiefs?  The last time I stepped foot in a church for something other than a wedding, a funeral, or a baptism / christening, was Easter Sunday 2010 **** .

--------------------

(****: I believe this is correct.  I know I have not gone on Easter since that year, because I high tailed it out of Mass' ending for a television to watch Phil's third (and likely final) Masters win.  I haven't been to a Midnight Mass since my grandma died in 2004.  And hell, I barely made it for my nieces' christening seven years ago; I was coming off a night like I've rarely enjoyed **** .  You want me back, Church?  Kick the f*cking pedophiles into the judicial and penal system where they belong.  ALL of them.  Then we'll talk.)

(****: also, yes, I know I can't sing.  (I'm the awful sing-along in that video.)  Deal with it.)

--------------------

The Chiefs, as usual, claim this is all about safety and/or security. 

To be fair, that's what they always claim, about any insanely indefensible change in policy they implement.

Making us pull to the front of the lot?  Safety and/or security.

No longer allowed to save spots?  Safety and/or security.

Forcing us through police tape to park?  Safety and/or security. 

(Which actually, sorta, kinda, might not be the bullsh*t lie it appears to be, at first glance, if we're being honest here.)

Setting up barricades to prevent entry into certain areas?  Safety and/or security.

Parking nazis screaming "you are not allowed here!"?  Safety and/or security.

And that is what has me pissed.

Because this has NOTHING to do with safety. 

It might have something to do with security, to be fair. 

But it has NOTHING to do with safety.

Because -- and at the risk of acknowledging the Captain Oats in the room, I guess I'm going there -- because if the Chiefs actually gave a flying f*ck about you and I's safety while in their presence, call me crazy here (and I've been called worse) ... wouldn't they actually employ parking attendants, as you enter and exit their fine facility?

Seriously, you Season Ticket Members reading this (and I know at least three of you who do)?

(Stevo deep sigh voice ...)

When is the last time on the west side of Arrowhead you saw parking attendants and/or police officials, while exiting the stadium? 

Let alone entering it?

And more to the point: if safety of us mattered that much to the Chiefs?

Where are the ...

--------------------

My group tailgates on the grassy knoll to the north of G30, and our tailgating bus is in line at Gate 6 by 6:30 at the latest for a noon kickoff, 8:30 at the latest for a 3:30 kickoff, and 11:30 for a prime time contest. 

We take this sh*t seriously, to put it mildly.

I cannot tell you the last time any of us encountered a (late, great rcw voice) parking nazi, either on the ride in, or especially on the ride out.  I head down twenty minutes before the posted gate opening to reserve our spots on that grass.  The last time I encountered a parking attendant was in 2015 (which, coincidence or not, is the last time the Chiefs intentionally decided to break what isn't broken.)

Ever since that Rubicon moment, the Chiefs have (to their credit) basically let sh*t happen as we want it to, at least in Lot G.  You can park wherever you want within the lot (provided you have the proper pass) without fear of Good Times Towing making your times less than, uuh, good.  They don't bother you about reserving spots.  They don't force you forward anymore. 

At least in Lot G, they've turned things over to the natives, and I believe us natives have responded well. 

So Chiefs?  If security mattered to you?  Why the hell are we policing ourselves at this point?  When is the last time -- and you STM's reading this that I know, generally tailgate with me, so we're talking Lot G here -- when is the last time we saw one of KCMO or Jackson County's finest during tailgating or after the game?

Chiefs?  If fan safety mattered to you?  Why do you force all vehicles to exit on the west side of the stadium now (and have for at least two years)?  All you do is create a massive traffic jam, p*ssed off fans, and set the stage for either a violent confrontation between p*ssed off fans, or a god awful wreck that could cost lives.  And for what?  To save a few bucks on renting cops to direct traffic onto the Cutoff or Raytown Road?  That's insane!  You cannot claim that you care about safety and security when even a drunken stoned moron like me can prove through YOUR actions that you don't give a sh*t about safety and/or security!  Because you'd hire more cops!  You'd bring back parking nazis!  You'd allow all seven gates to handle the outflow of traffic (like the inflow), rather than just Gates 5, 6, and 7!  You'd ...

Well sh*t, at this point, if anyone buys this crap that the Chiefs care about security and/or safety, I've got some ocean front property in Arizona to sell ya.

And yes -- I will throw the Golden Gate in free.

Because Chiefs?  If security mattered to you?

Where are the ...

--------------------

In the interest of full disclosure, I am a member of one of the 2018 Chiefs Fan Focus Groups.  (And in the interest of full disclosure, I credit the Chiefs for engaging with us, their fanbase, on a monthly basis -- and allowing the free flow of conversation to occur, without fear of reprisal and/or retribution, for said free flow, of conversation, uuh, occurring.)

I didn't post this to trash the Chiefs.  Again -- the changes announced today, don't affect me in any way, shape or form, that I can think of.

And frankly, I can understand why -- if safety and/or security actually mattered to the Chiefs -- why they'd enact this new rule. 

But the thing is, safety, and/or security?  Don't matter to them.

If those things did? 

Then where are the ...

--------------------

At a bare minimum, if safety and/or security mattered to the Chiefs?  You'd have seven gates open to exit from, rather than three.  You'd have KCMO and/or JaCo's finest inside the gates ... rather than outside on Stadium Drive.  (Note: can't speak as to what may be there on Blue Ridge Cutoff.)

You'd have visible parking attendants ... versus the non-existent ones that currently, uuh, don't exist.  (At least on the west side of the stadium; again, I tailgate in Lot G, north of the G30 sign.  Perhaps on the Blue Ridge Cutoff side, those attendants exist.  They don't on the side I tailgate on.) 

Or hell -- as my tailgating bus' back up driver, I'll go there.

If fan safety and/or security actually mattered to the Chiefs?

Then where are the ...

----------------------

DUI checkpoints exiting Arrowhead?

Every gate would be a DUI checkpoint, exiting the stadium, if safety and/or security was priority one, and we all know it. 

Because if safety and/or security mattered to the Chiefs, wouldn't they want to ensure each and every single vehicle exiting their domicile, had a sober driver behind the wheel?  I would think a drunken fan taking out four vehicles trying to get out of the two left turn lanes onto 350 South on 435 ***** would be a far bigger liability risk ... than a couple fans that want to enjoy the hell out of their team at a minimal cost by watching the game in the parking lot, would present.

I defy the Chiefs organization to tell me I'm wrong, about that.

Because I'm not.

Safety and/or Security, Chiefs?  If that's what you truly care about?

Install DUI checkpoints out every gate, every lane, on the way out.  And please, spare me the "it'll slow down the exit of our fans".  You force every one of us to leave west, even if you arrived south (via Gate 4 or 5) or east (Gate 2 and 3) or taxi-like service (Gate 1 or 3).

If safety and/or security is your top priority?  Then DUI checkpoints exiting the stadium.  Get the "bad apples" off the road, before eating an apple may become impossible for said bad apples' victim.

I defy you to tell me, where I'm wrong.

#argumentlost

--------------------

(*****: never been there, never done that ... but seen way too damn many people, who have.)

--------------------

One final note: I have reached out to this site's "Voice of Reason" (and, again, full disclosure: he's one of my Mount Rushmore of Friends), for his opinions on how the Chiefs value "safety and/or security".  Considering he's been run over walking the crosswalk in Lot G by an off-duty cop on the Chiefs watch, I really, really, really hope he responds with a, uuh, response, to post. 

I really, really, really hope, he response, with a response to post.

Until next time, hey!  (sgt. esterhaus voice) Let's be careful out there ...

when you can't runaway ...

“Can I get an encore?

Do you want more? …”

-- “Numb/Encore” by Linkin Park and Jay-Z.

--------------------

I wish I knew what to write.

I got a text message from a friend about 1:30 Thursday afternoon, telling me that Chester Bennington, the lead singer for one of my favorite bands ever, Linkin Park, had committed suicide.

I looked at the text and thought … well, a lot of things.  But when in doubt about news in the entertainment industry, I turn to a media outlet that (pathetically) might be the last accurate bastion of information left in the national media -- TMZ.  And the lead story on that god awful site confirmed the text my buddy sent me.

My first impulse was literally to puke.  I’ll admit I was enjoying a cerveza on that lovely 99 degree day here in Kansas City.  I upchucked what had already gone down.  My next impulse was to cry.  

Linkin Park -- specifically the “Hybrid Theory” cd -- got me through some dark, dark times in my life.  I detailed the lowest of those lows five years ago, in the aftermath of Chiefs linebacker Jovan Belcher doing what he did.  (Note: that link is still the most read story ever on this site, and nothing else is within one hundred clicks of it.  For a site whose average post registers 35-40 unique clicks, that’s pretty impressive, five years after the fact.)

“Hybrid Theory” kept me (semi) sane as my life fell apart in the winter of 2001 into the spring of 2002.  Every song on that cd spoke to me in ways that no counselor, licensed professional, man or woman of faith, or friend or family member could.  Sh*t, it spoke to me in ways that weed and booze couldn’t (although I certainly listened to both -- a lot.)  

Literally from the first note of the cd, for forty some odd minutes, Chester Bennington and Mike Shinoda channeled everything I was feeling, and then some.  I felt then -- and in some regards, still do today -- that nobody has ever f*cked up and failed at life more epically than I did in my early to mid 20s * .  

And so I can honestly say, I highly doubt I’d be here today -- still f*cking up and failing, albeit at a slightly slower pace! -- without that cd.

--------------------

(*: to be fair, my mid 30s gave my early 20s one hell of a contest, in the “f*ck up and fail” department.  Although it was Brantley Gilbert that got me through my mid to late 30s (sir elton john voice) still standing, not LP ** .)

(**: and yes, the fact someone I know despises the two letters LP together, explains why I shorten Linkin Park to LP a lot, in this post.  What can I say, even toddler Stevo was a snotty asshole when he felt like it.)

--------------------

“Hybrid Theory” opens with “Papercut”, with its’ haunting closing lyric to the chorus of “it’s like the face inside?  Is right beneath my skin!”  A painful examination of inner torment, of “Jesus, I know I’m not right, but do I actually give enough of a sh*t to want to stop being wrong?”  

That question was then built upon with the second track, a song that hits me like few ever have, “One Step Closer”:

“I find the answers?  Aren’t so clear.

Wish I could find a way?  To disappear!

All these thoughts?  They make no sense.

So I’ll find bliss?  In ignorance!

Nothing seems to go away --

Over and over again!

(Just like before …)

Everything you say to me?

Takes me one step closer to the edge --

And I’m about to break!

I need a little room to breathe!

‘Cause I’m one step closer to the edge --

And I’m about to break!”

If you’ve never had a moment in your life where those lyrics felt real, felt genuine, felt perfect to describe said moment in your life?  Then you’re one of the lucky few, in this life.

--------------------

After a couple solid yet unspectacular tracks (“With You”, “Points of Authority” -- the latter being far more potent and memorable than the former), comes what for the first 500, 600 times I listened to the cd, the song I never got past, the fifth track -- a song that just nailed what twenty four, twenty five year old Stevo felt:

“There’s something inside me?

That pulls beneath the surface --

Consuming.  Confusing.

This lack of self control?

I fear is never ending --

Controlling.  I can’t seem

To find myself again --

My walls are closing in!

(Without a sense of confidence?

I’m convinced, there’s just

Too much pressure to take!)

I’ve felt this way before -- so insecure!

Crawling in my skin!

These wounds?  They will not heal!

Fear is how I fall --

Confusing what is real …”

For the longest time, I felt no need to advance beyond “Crawling”.  I didn’t think any artist could possibly put more accurately into words, what I was feeling.

How wrong I was.

Because the next track, I would argue, is Linkin Park’s finest hour *** .

A finest hour, we’re coming back to.

--------------------

(***: yes, “My December”, the bonus track / sneak single off the extended version of “Hybrid Theory”, is probably the best song on the cd, and probably the one I should like the most.  It’s not, at least for me.)  

--------------------

There was more success for Linkin Park after “Hybrid Theory” -- “Meteora” is one hell of a cd in its own right.  “Numb” deserved every accolade it got -- and it got a lot of them.  “Somewhere I Belong” hit many nerves with this dude.  “Easier to Run” should have been released as a single.  “Faint“ probably shouldn’t have been released as a single.  “Breaking The Habit” is awesome.  Man, does “Don’t Stay” hit some raw nerves when I think about “The Ex”.  And to be fair and honest (one of which I am rarely accused of being), “Figure .09” is my favorite Linkin Park track ever **** .

And the release of “Meteora” gave rise to the Projekt Revolution Tour, that landed in lovely Bonner Springs, Kansas, on Tuesday, August 24, 2004.  I remember every damned thing about that day -- recapped if you scroll down far enough in this previous post ***** .

I freely admit I was baked, drunk, and trying to sort through the death of one of my best friends growing up, whose funeral I had just attended, the day that concert went down.  I guess that’s in some ways why that concert has the meaning, the significance, the importance that it does to me -- for the second time in nearly as many years, Linkin Park kept me (semi) sane when life made no sense, when I took a look at things and realized either (a) it was all my fault, or (b) there wasn’t a damned thing I could do, to stop what was going on.

--------------------

(***: there’s a difference between “favorite”, and “most meaningful” to me.  “Figure .09” is my favorite.  It is not the most meaningful LP track to me.  Most meaningful to me, is “Track Six” off “Hybrid Theory” … which we’re getting to, eventually.)

(****: to this day, I thank God that the “let’s shake up the set list” change from many other stops on the tour was to sub in “Figure .09”.  I’ve rarely if ever loved a single song performance in my presence more, than “Figure .09” on that ridiculously hot Tuesday evening at whatever the hell it’s called nowadays Sandstone Ampitheater.)

--------------------

The later stuff, as is predictable, didn’t garner the attention, the love, or the acclaim of the peak stuff.  “Minutes to Midnight” is a fantastic cd to listen to.  But for me, with the exception of “Hands Held High”, nothing on that cd truly moves me.  “Numb / Encore” off the “Collision” cd with Jay-Z is incredible.  It’s two peak artists at their, uuh, combined peak.  It’s the only song on “Collision” I still listen to.  The stuff newer than the late 2000s, I can’t claim to be knowledgable about.

But the stuff from the early and mid 2000s?  I owe a debt of gratitude, I wish I could properly express.

--------------------

I suppose, given Thursday, that it somewhat surprises me more fans and entertainment industry scribes haven’t focused on the LP track that truly describes the tragic event of Thursday -- the eighth track on “Hybrid Theory”, and arguably Linkin Park’s biggest hit, “In The End”:

“It’s so unreal --

Didn’t look out below.

Watch the time

Go right out the window.

(I was) trying to hold on,

But you didn’t even know --

Wasted it all,

Just to watch you go.

I kept everything inside.

And even though I tried, it all fell apart.

What it meant to me?

Will eventually be a memory of a time when

I tried so hard,

And got so far.

But in the end?

It doesn’t even matter!

I had to fall,

To lose it all.

But in the end?

It doesn’t even matter! …”

Because that’s what stings so much about Thursday’s death.  In the end?  The author who helped pull me out of a dark place, had so little faith in himself and his power to do for himself what he did for at least one person in this life (hey, that’s me!)?  

Mr. Bennington decided his life didn’t matter enough, to try to pull himself out.

It took Track Six off “Hybrid Theory” … to convince me, that contrary to what the theme song to “MASH” would say?

Suicide is anything but painless.

--------------------

“Runaway”.

Track Six off “Hybrid Theory”.

It’s the most meaningful song LP ever did, at least for me.  It’s one of the five or six most influential songs that define my life -- or at least what it was, what it is, and what I desire it to be.  The others in some order would be “I Don’t Wanna Be” by Gavin DeGraw, “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road” by Sir Elton John, “Crawling In The Dark” by Hoobastank, “Perfect Memory” by Remy Zero, and “Innocent” by Our Lady Peace.

Four of those five others, came out around the same time “Hybrid Theory” was dominating the charts Steph Curry style.  And each of them speaks to me in different ways, but always with the same theme: just be damned proud to be you, and screw anyone who thinks otherwise.

And that’s probably why I love “Runaway” so much, why it defines “Hybrid Theory” for me, and why I’ve been listening to it as I attempt to type this post.  Because “Runaway” isn’t a “f*ck you!” anthem of defiance.  It’s the exact opposite.

It’s a recognition that the biggest problem in your failure of a life?

Sometimes?

Is you.

--------------------

“Paper bags and angry voices,

Under the sky of dust.

Another wave of tension,

Has more than filled me up.

All my talk of taking action?

Those words were never true.

Now I find myself in question --

(You point the finger again!)

Guilty by association --

(You point the finger again!)

I want to run away!  (Never say goodbye!)

I want to know the truth!  (Instead of wondering why!)

I want to know the answers!  (No more lies!)

I want to shut the door (and open up my mind!) …

--------------------

--------------------

Like I noted at the top, I wish I knew how to write this.  Because Jesus, has linking all these, uuh, links, hurt like there's no tomorrow.

I wish I knew how to compose how I feel properly.  I just don’t.  But what I do know, is that I felt the same pain on Thursday, some of you felt a couple months ago when Chris Cornell killed himself.  That a lot of you my age felt when Kurt Cobain killed himself, that I so f*cking felt when Brad Nowell overdosed, when Scott Weiland succumbed to his inner demons, when 2Pac was assassinated -- a pain that a lot of our parents felt when John Lennon was murdered on Monday, December 8, 1980.

Thursday, July 20, 2017, is a day that will stick in my head for all of my life.  

It’s a day I wish to God Above I could run away from.  Perhaps the only day more painful in my life the last five years, was Wednesday, August 15, 2012.

But at least I'm alive, to survive both of those painful days.

And God f*cking damm*t, how I wish neither of those two days, had ever occurred.

How I wish neither had caused the hurt, pain. and indefensible wrong, both caused to so many of us ...