"the family" funeral part dos: the ex

“I never dreamed I could cry so hard;

That ain’t like a man.

I could fly like a bird some days;

Had a place, where I could land.

I could have sworn we were all locked in –

Ain’t that what you said?

I never knew it could hurt so bad,

When the power of love?  Is dead.

But giving in to the nighttime?

Ain’t no cure for the pain!

You gotta wade into the water;

You gotta learn to live again! …”

-- “Healing Hands” by Elton John.  So sue me, I’m totally digging Sir Reginald Denny lately.  Quite frankly, I’d intended every post in this (at least) six (probably) seven part series to have the theme by Elton John, only the only one I could come up with by Sir John for The Chica was … well, if you’re an Elton John fan, you can figure it out, if you think about it …

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There are people you meet, that the moment you meet them, you think “how fast can I get out of this conversation”.

There are people you meet, that the moment you meet them, you feel nothing … but then they either grow on you, or grow to repulse you.

There are people you meet, that the moment you meet them, you think “how fast can I get this person to be a friend!  I like this dude / dudette!”

And then …

Then there’s those rarest of moments in life, when you meet someone for the first time, and the only thing going through your mind is “I want to know this person for the rest of my life”.

Some might call that meeting “The One”.  (Wow, the Elton John songs are just PILING up at this point.  Gee, care to guess who’s the “Artist of the Week” on my iPhone?) 

Katie isn’t my “one”. 

But she is at worst, “The Mother”, to my “Ted Mosby”.

Below are the eleven favorite moments, plus an honorable mention, of my moments with the girl who will always be affectionately known as The Ex, not just on this site … but to anyone who asks me about her.

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The Lines In The Overall Theme Song ("Goodbye Yellow Brick Road") That Apply To The Ex (Note: May Have Missed One):

* "When are you gonna come down? / When are you going to land?" -- sadly, applies, to real life, as it now exists.

* "Hunting the horny back toad" -- well, I am a Horny Frog ...

* "Maybe you'll get a replacement" -- the final posting of this series, will bring this into focus, for all four members, of this corpse of a friendship.

* Also, you can argue, being a resident of, uuh, her, resident state, that the whole "yellow brick road" thing, more than applies.

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The Honorable Mention: (Simon Cowell Voice) Pauler Abdul Night.

I know it was in May of 2009.  We came back to my apartment from … wherever the hell we were, watched the TiVo’d “American Idol” (it was the Kris Allen absolutely KILLING it episode of Kanye’s “Heartless”, so I’m guessing Top 3 Night), and then at the end, we saw the throwaway “Paula Abdul will be hawking her stuff on HSN in an hour!” promo.

Really?

I swear to God, the next two hours?  We were Waldorf and Statler, watching this in bed.  We literally could not top each other on the one liners – each one was better than the previous one.  Just as one of us would stop laughing, the other one would say something even funnier, over the next piece of crap Paula Abdul was hawking … and the callers.  Oh dear Jesus, the callers – they made the humor reach another level.  All of them praising the “high quality” and “incredible value” buying a trinket Paula Abdul signs her name on for $9.95, is to them and their lives.

I think that’s the moment I knew, this girl was a keeper.

11. The Whipped Cream Shot.

The way you know I’m, uuh, “whipped” – I let someone alter the post-game victory routine, at a Chiefs game.

I let Katie demand that if the Chiefs beat the Bills that day, I had to take a shot, of her choosing.  That?  Seemed perfectly reasonable, given that she demanded it, after the dude she showed up dressed up as that Halloween Sunday, did some shots with us.

I never expected … it’d be this:

(Note: noone has ever claimed credit for this image.  Too bad – I think it’s hysterical.)

If that image, that “shot”, isn’t the ultimate payback from the ex-girlfriend … uuh …

10. (“Seinfeld” Voice) They Aren’t Real … But They Are Spectacular!

I even made this into a Stevo Rule, Number 49:

“Anytime The Ex and The Crush sit around, discussing their reason(s) for getting fake boobs, and you get to just listen in, it’s a good thing!”

The Crush came over to the pool, and met The Ex for the first time.  Could have been awkward.  Probably should have been awkward.

Instead, it was erotic, in a very, very, very dirty way.

I make no apologies.

9. (The Ex Voice) “Yeah, Right.  Another Overtime?  Worst!  Excuse!  Ever!”

If Katie had walked – no, stormed – out the front door that Wednesday night in early March, 2009?  Nobody would have faulted her.

Because that was her quote, when I informed her, that UConn / Cuse were going to overtime number four, in their epic six overtime classic, in the Big East Tournament.

I’d put her off at the end of regulation.  The end of overtime uno.  The end of overtime dos.  Even The Champ disappeared by overtime tres. 

You gotta love a girl, who puts up with my utterly insane, and possibly indefensible, love of all things hoops.

8. (The Ex Voice) “Wait – Are Those I Heart Beer Boxers You’re Wearing?”

This occurred exactly one week, before Moment 11, in this look back at The Ex.

We were on The Bus, headed back to the “Bus Barn” after the win over the Jaguars.  Will was driving The Bus home that day, and let’s just say, he ain’t Russ.

He was flooring that thing, as fast as it could go.

I managed to get (I think) Tyler to pour me a screwdriver, and … well, if you’ve ever been on The Bus, you’ll get the logistics; if you haven’t, I’ll try to paint the picture.

I was standing in the exact center, where the generator sits. 

Will floors it, to make the turn onto Blue Ridge off of 40, to take the back way home.

I go flying onto my ass, land ass first on top of the generator, then fall flat onto the floor.

I maintain, the single greatest thing about that moment?

Is that I didn’t spill a f*cking drop, of that screwdriver.

Everyone else?

Would maintain its Katie’s comment, seeing me sprawled on the floor of The Bus:

“Wait – are those I Heart Beer boxers you’re wearing?”

Apparently, I was … uuh … exposed, for everyone behind me on The Bus, to see.

She brought The Bus down, with that comment.

And thanks, girl, for focusing on the boxers, and not, uuh …

7. The First – And Only – Time In My Life I Decide, It’s Too Hot, To Be Outside.

This actually occurred exactly three years ago, today: August 1, 2011.

The Ex and I spent the afternoon at The Pool, and Russ convinced us into heading up to Training Camp that afternoon.  It was the first year the Chiefs were in St. Joe, so why not?

I should probably note, the temp deal in the Jimmy said 107, when we left for St. Joe a little after 1pm.

We got there, parked, headed into the merchandise tent, headed out to where the practices were going on … and Katie was done.  Russ was down for the count maybe fifteen minutes later.

I lasted almost forty minutes.

Until I walked back, drenched in sweat, and simply said “I quit.  It’s too hot.”

Russ suggested we get some liquid refreshment before we headed the hour home, so we hit up the Cheddar’s up there, because he swore they had awesome margaritas. 

We walk in, all three of us just dripping wet, from being out in (record high) 112 degree heat, and somehow, they sit us down.  Russ orders a round of the grande margaritas for us, and notes to our waitress “and when you bring round one, order round two!”  The waitress response?  “Sir, I can’t order another round for you until you finish the first round.”  Russ’ response?  “The ice will be gone, before you bring round two!”

Sure as sh*t …

6. The (Nearly) Fatal Conversation.

We’re coming back to this one in the final part of this series.  

5. The (Totally) Perfect Saturday.

I’m pulling up the date on Google and it says … Saturday, August 27, 2011.

The following five amazing things happened that Saturday:

* The last Fike Family Day with The Family present.

* My nieces’ first birthday party.

* One helluva tailgate before Y’allapalooza.

* David Nail doing this (note: not actual concert footage, but he performed it).

* Eric Church doing this.

When we get to Moment Tres, one of those?  

Will make perfect sense.

4. (“Family Guy” Voice) Damn Nature!  You Scary!

I’ll just let you read the recap, and simply note, we should have stopped somewhere between Plattsmouth and Nebraska City.  Or just stayed in Omaha, and caught the remainder of the game, the following day.  That drive home was one of the dumbest decisions of my life … and one of the few nominated for that category, that I don’t regret.

3. A Birthday Party Where The Guest Of Honor … Was Gavin DeGraw.

Another Summer of 2011 Classic.  (God, that summer is just BEGGING for a recap at this point.)  Met Katie and a few friends downtown for some happy hour deal at some bar, then we hit up the Gavin DeGraw concert at Power and Light.

Friday, July 15, 2011.

I didn’t have to look that one up.

I just enjoyed the hell, out of this.

(And am beyond disgusted, that I missed that link, without Katie standing and singing next to me, a month ago.)

I just suppose I’ll say, if sharing Gavin DeGraw do my anthem of life, and one of my five favorite songs of all time, with “My Girl”, celebrating a belated birthday, only ranks third?

We had some fun, through the years.

2. (Stevo Voice) There!  It’s F*cking Done!  Are You Two F*cking Happy Now?

I’ll let the recap, tell the story.

(But to be honest?  I was laughing as much as Cassie and Katie were.  Sometimes?  You are that pathetic.

And sometimes?  Float trips are that damned awesome.

And sometimes?  You wish to God himself you could have one last moment, with someone who means the world to you, like that weekend was ...)

1. (Maureen McGovern Voice) “There Has To Be A Morning After…”

Another date I don’t have to look up – February 22, 2009.

And another one I choose to keep mostly private, because it’s personal … other than to note this:

I knew you were a keeper …

When Priest put one paw, then the other, on top of you, then started breathing on you, to let him outside to go potty, pushing four in the morning.

It wasn’t the fact he put his paws on you, to let him out to do his business, that made me know, you were a keeper.

It’s the fact he didn’t climb over you, to wake me up?

That made you a keeper.

That dog was godd*mned brilliant, in hindsight …

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My only regret when it comes to The Ex, will be posted in the final part of this series.