2012's most anticipated post part x (the end!): the afc postseason

* The AFC Final Field:

1. 13-3 Baltimore Ravens (win tiebreaker with Patriots via head-to-head victory)

2. 13-3 New England Patriots (best remaining record amongst division champions)

3. 11-5 Kansas City Chiefs (best remaining record amongst division champions)

4. 10-6 Tennessee Titans (best remaining record amongst division champions)

5. 10-6 San Diego “Super Chargers” (win tiebreaker with broncos via conference record)

6. 10-6 denver broncos (best remaining record)

7. 9-7 Buffalo Bills (best remaining record)

8. 8-8 Jacksonville Jaguars (win tiebreaker with Jets via head-to-head victory)

9. 8-8 New York Jets (best remaining record)

10. 7-9 Houston Texans (win tiebreaker with Steelers via conference record)

11. 7-9 Pittsburgh Steelers (best remaining record)

12. 6-10 oakland raiders (best remaining record)

13. 5-11 Cincinnati Bengals (best remaining record)

14. 3-13 Miami Dolphins (best remaining record)

15. 2-14 Cleveland Browns (win tiebreaker with Colts via head-to-head win)

16. 2-14 Indianapolis Colts (only remaining team)

* The Wildcard Round

Mixology 2012 Song to Describe Said Round: “Daydream Believer” by the Monkees.  Sorry if I already used this one, but consider what I project Wildcard 2012 to be: Philly vs Dallas (epic grudge match).  The Battle of the Bay of Pigs, in the words of the late, great Pete Axthelm (Green at Tampa).  A throwaway game to start Saturday on NBC (San Diego at Tennessee … which still will be entertaining).  And God willing in the late Sunday slot? 

A matchup I’ve waited fifteen fucking (unedited) years to exact revenge for.  A postseason showdown that’s happened exactly one time in history, on my 21^st birthday.  A game that to this day, I get nightmares about.  A game that I still have the damned rally towel for, because I know that someday, our shot at avenging the injustice of January 1998 will present itself, and I want a relic from that abortion of a moment to be there to cleanse its soul of the stink of that day.

Revenge is a dish best served with a long, steel dagger struck deep into the spine.  Or ideally, the neck, of our arch-rival’s quarterback …

(5) Chargers 34, at (4) Titans 13.  I really like this Chargers team.  In a big way.  In a “they’re a legitimate Lombardi Trophy threat” kind of way.  A tune up before one EPIC matchup in either Foxboro or Baltimore the next week.

(6) broncos 21, at (3) Chiefs 24.  This one?  Would be all levels of exercising a demon for me.  The Chiefs are 0 for peyton in the playoffs.  They’re 0 for denver in the playoffs.  They’re 0 for anyone in the playoffs since I was a junior in high school, and here’s a hint – I’d be 36 when this game would occur.  (Admit it, you just read that and thought “my God, how is someone who looks this damned amazing going to be 36 in four months?  Oh, you didn’t think that?  Well, you SHOULD have thought that.)

It’s time, Chiefs fans, to buy into what this organization is selling.  We’ve waited 19 years for a playoff win.  Why CAN’T 2012 be the year the futility ends?  Our “good buddy”, Ol’ Pete King, who has written exactly seventeen positive words about the Chiefs in the last twenty years, projects us to win the AFC West and win a wildcard game.  Our good buddy Hub Arkesh, publisher of Pro Football Weekly, has the Chiefs not only winning the AFC West, he has us winning the whole damned conference!  This isn’t delusional Stevo making these picks – these are (allegedly) reputable, respected NFL experts!

* The Divisional Round.

Mixology 2012 Song to Describe Said Round: “Don’t Stop Believin’” by Journey.  Two rising AFC West teams looking to achieve their break through.  Two powerhouse east coast AFC teams facing their potential last gasp at greatness.  Old guard vs new blood.  In the words of AJ to Tony and Carm at the table at Holstens as this song hit its crescendo: “remember the good times, right?”

(5) Chargers 34, at (1) Ravens 24.  Love this matchup for San Diego.  Rivers can throw all day against a weak-at-best Ravens secondary.  The one true strength on defense San Diego has is stopping the run.  Chargers emerge with an “easier than expected” victory.

(3) Chiefs 24, at (2) Patriots 14.  If they played ten times, the Patriots would probably win nine.  But not this day.  Not this time.  For as great of a player and champion as they are, Brady and Belichick have crapped out at home quite extensively the last few years – wildcard loss to the Ravens in 2009, humiliating demolishing by the Jets in Foxboro in the divisional round in 2010, and they should have lost to the Ravens in the AFC Title Game last year (Ravens dropped a touchdown inside the final minute, then shanked the game winning field goal from 28 yards out as time expired).  The Chiefs keep it rolling, setting up a day I have waited a lifetime for …

* The Conference Championship

Mixology 2012 Song to Describe Said Round: “The Time Of My Life” by David Cook.  If I’m gonna be this biased and completely ridiculous in my predictions, I might as well go all out. 

(5) Chargers 31, at Chiefs (3) 21.  I can’t do it.  God knows I want to … but San Diego’s the better team.  The Chargers are simply too talented to let their window close without at least one Hunt Trophy, and I fear this is the year they do it.  Even at my team’s expense.

AFC Champions: Your San Diego “Super” Chargers.

Super Bowl Prediction: Chargers over Bucs.

Super Bowl Champions: come on, sing it, you know you want to:

“We’re coming your way!

We’re gonna dazzle you with our play!

The time has come

You know we’re shooting for number one!

The thunder bolts and lightning

Will light up the sky!

We’ll give it all we got and more

With the Super Chargers try!

San Diego Super Chargers!

San Diego!  (Chargers!)

San Diego Super Chargers!

San Diego … Chargers! Charge!”

2012's most anticipate post part ix: the afc west

And finally, returning to its rightful position as the flagship division of football, at least on the AFC side of the bracket, is the loaded AFC West …

(Please click picture below for full Excel schedule breakdown):

* Final Order of Finish:

1. Kansas City Chiefs

2. San Diego “Super” Chargers

3. denver broncos

4. oakland raiders

* First Read: I’ve been saying since March that the AFC West was sending three to the playoffs.  Well lookie here Mabel – I have the AFC West sending three to playoffs!  Including one wildcard round matchup that, uum, yeah.  We’ll get to that in the final posting of 2012’s most anticipated post.

* Biggest Game: Chiefs at raiders, week 15.  The game that gave KC separation from denver and San Diego.  And before you accuse me of bias – first, hell yes I’m biased!  You spend nearly $1,000 / year to watch a team?  You develop a bias!  Second, even our “good buddy”, Ol’ Pete King at Sports Illustrated, has the Chiefs winning the AFC West (and a playoff game to boot!)  And third, the Chiefs have won 9 of 10 in oakland, and the only loss was on a once-in-a-lifetime overtime catch by jacoby ford two years ago.

* Seems wacky: the ONLY thing that came out differently than I anticipated … is that entering these picks, I thought the order would be SD / KC / den.  Chiefs and Chargers wound up flipped.  If you want to make an argument it should be SD then KC, I won’t oppose that argument. 

* Division (Home) Uniform Rankings:

1. San Diego “Super” Chargers (baby blue unis)

2. oakland raiders

3. Kansas City Chiefs

4. denver broncos

Reason: there isn’t a cooler looking uniform in sports than the baby blues the Chargers haul out for their prime time / national TV window games.  And while I love the Chiefs red and gold … there’s just something mythical about the silver and black.  denver’s uniforms are atrocious.  Go back to the old school donkey coming out of the D for denver, then we’ll talk.

* Division MVP: peyton manning, denver broncos.  Can we be honest here for a moment?  If peyton manning isn’t under center, the broncos are lucky – lucky – to go 5-11.  peyton is going to single handedly win the donkeys at least three games they have no business winning.  I just pray to God that one of those three isn’t in the wildcard round …

* Song from Mixology 2012 to Describe Each Team:

Kansas City Chiefs: “I Got a Name” by Jim Croce.  “Like the fool that I am and I’ll always be?  I’ve got a dream, I’ve got a dream.  They can change their minds, but they can’t change me.  I’ve got a dream!  I’ve got a dream!  I know I could share it if you want me to – if you’re going my way?  I’ll go with you …”

San Diego “Super” Chargers: “Modern Love” by Matt Nathanson.  “This modern love, is not enough”.  What every Chargers fan is saying about the Norv Turner era.

denver broncos: from “The Simpsons:”

(doorbell) (ding!  dong!)

(mail dude) telegram!

(homer simpson) Project Arturis couldn’t have succeeded without you.  This will get you a little closer to that dream of yours.  It’s not the Dallas Cowboys, but it’s a start.  Drop me a line if you’re on the east coast, Hank Scorpio.

(camera) (pans back to show a bunch of clumsy, out of shape, worthless football players)

(homer simpson) AWWW!  The denver broncos!!!

(marge simpson) I think owning the denver broncos is pretty good!

(homer simpson) (disappointed voice) yeah, yeah.

(marge simpson) Well explain to me why it isn’t?

(homer simpson) (sighs in disgust) You just don’t understand football, Marge.

Hey, it was that, or “Lips of an Angel” by Hinder.  Either one will piss off the resident denver fan … so I went with the less offensive* (rimshot!) 

oakland raiders: “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.  No matter how much I hate that team … there’s something about playing in the black hole that’s just inspirational.

(*: I still don’t get her hatred of this song.  It’s a GREAT song!)

Bottom Line: the way this played out, the AFC West gets three in for the first time since … uum … hang on, gotta look this up … first time since 1993!  Holy crap Batman!

Final Prediction: wildcard weekend, if this plays out as I anticipate / prognosticate / fling the dung against the wall and hope it doesn’t skid to the floor?  Uum, yeah.  Look at who finishes first, look at who finishes third, realize those are your 3 and 6 seeds, and, uum, yeah.

2012's most anticipated post part viii: the afc south

And now, for the division that wound up so wacky, I actually had to go back and double check a few picks, just to confirm I didn’t accidentally type a W into the column when it should have been a L, your AFC South …

(Please click picture below for full Excel schedule breakdown):

* Final Order of Finish:

1. Tennessee Titans

2. Jacksonville Jaguars

3. Houston Texans

4. Indianapolis Colts

* First Read: Tennessee winning didn’t surprise me.  I’ve been leaning Titans to win this division since Houston stupidly cut Eric Winston, traded DeMeco Ryans, and let Mario Williams walk.  You can’t lose that much talent and not take a hit.  But the Jaguars in second?  And even more incredibly …

* Biggest Game: Jaguars at Titans, week 17.  Winner takes all.  If the Jags win, they finish 9-7 and win the division via a sweep of the Titans.  If the Titans win, they win the division via best overall record.  Insane.

* Seems wacky: uum, just about everything?  The Jaguars controlled their own destiny in week 17!  How did that happen?  The Texans are mathematically out of it by Thanksgiving?  The Colts actually won a couple games, including one over Tennessee that set up the winner take all week seventeen scenario that every NBC executive, up to and including our “good buddy”, Ol’ Pete King himself, is praying has no shot of occurring, because seriously, who WOULDN’T want to watch Jaguars at Titans as the final game of the season?  (Stevo raising his hand).

* Division (Home) Uniform Rankings:

1. Jacksonville Jaguars

2. Indianapolis Colts

3. Tennessee Titans

4. Houston Texans

Reason: other than three teams in the remaining division, there is no home uniform in regular use that I love more than the Jaguars.  Love it, totally dig it.  Now, ranking Houston last is a bit cruel, because their battle blue or liberty red unis, are awesome.  The problem is they also have the rally white, and sorry, but when you have THREE regular uniforms in the rotation for a home game, and one of them is white?  You’re not winning in my poll.

* Division MVP: Blaine Gabbert, Jacksonville Jaguars.  Call me a dreamer, say I’m a little naïve, but I believe in this guy.  Mike Mularkey is the perfect coach for him – hell, Mularkey made Matt Ryan a stud, he salvaged Drew Bledsoe’s career, the guy can flat out coach offense.  (He’s in over his head as the head coach, but the Jaguars will figure that out soon enough.

* Song from Mixology 2012 to Describe Each Team:

Tennessee Titans: “Sideways” by Dierks Bentley.  Just as in the NFC, the AFC South is beyond a little sideways.

Jacksonville Jaguars: “5-1-5-0” by Dierks Bentley.  I’m definitely a little loco to project they’re in a “winner take all” week seventeen showdown.

Houston Texans: “Flake” by Jack Johnson.  Look at it this way Texans fans – if disappointing by going 7-9 convinced Bob McNair to clean house, fire incompetent GM Rick Smith, fire incompetent head coach Gary Kubiak, and bring in people with a clue?  It’s worth the step back, the “flake” season.

Indianapolis Colts: “Fresh” by Kool and the Gang.  If you’re gonna rebuild, do it right – tear the damned thing down to its foundation and rebuild from scratch.  It’s a lesson Carl Peterson didn’t learn until it was too late here in Kansas City.

* Bottom Line: the AFC’s top wildcard (and here’s a hint: they’re both coming from the AFC West) is going to be salivating over getting to open in Nashville, instead of Houston or a fellow AFC West team’s home joint.

* Final Prediction: that Jaguars / Titans clash in week seventeen will be appearing on your local NBC affiliate.

2012's most anticipated post part vii: the afc north

Put me in the minority … but I think the AFC North is going to be a joke of a division this year.  The division that sent three to the playoffs last year?  Is only going to send one this time.  But it’s sending a powerhouse that (skipping ahead a couple posts) I predict will wind up with home field advantage throughout the playoffs …

(Please click picture below for full Excel schedule breakdown):

* Final Order of Finish:

1. Baltimore Ravens

2. Pittsburgh Steelers

3. Cincinnati Bengals

4. Cleveland Browns

* First Read: No surprises whatsoever.  Yes, I read a couple big upsets in this division that wound up affecting other divisions … but at the end of the day, I don’t think the Bengals can repeat last year’s run, I think Pittsburgh is going to take a step back, and the Browns are atrocious.

* Biggest Game: Patriots at Ravens, week 3.  Determined home field advantage throughout the AFC postseason, for whatever that’s worth.

* Seems wacky: nothing.  No, really – if you asked any person with even a minimal knowledge of the sport to rank these four teams entering the season?  This is exactly how they’d rank them.

* Division (Home) Uniform Rankings:

1. Pittsburgh Steelers

2. Baltimore Ravens

3. Cleveland Browns

4. Cincinnati Bengals

Reason: you can flip Cleveland and Cincinnati, depending on how you view poop brown colored uniforms … but there’s no way the Steelers don’t rank at the top.

* Division MVP: Ray Rice, Baltimore Ravens.  To be fair, the MVP should be Joe Flacco … but he never gets the credit he’s due.  Seriously, consider what Flacco has accomplished in four years – four playoff berths, he’s won at least one game every time he’s gotten there, and played in two AFC Title Games, coming within one of the most epic missed field goals of all time from reaching the Super Bowl eight months ago.  (Here’s where I’d haul out the “even I’ve made a 30 yarder at the NFL experience” blast … but I’d have choked as badly as Billy Cundiff did from 28 in that spot, if I was in that, uum, spot.)  Anyone who says Joe Flacco is not an “elite” or a “franchise” quarterback, needs to have a mental health evaluation conducted on them on the spot.

* Song from Mixology 2012 to Describe Each Team:

Baltimore Ravens: “Closer” by Ne-Yo.  Is this the year they finally break through?  They keep getting closer every damned season to the sport’s ultimate prize.

Pittsburgh Steelers: “Face Down” by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus.  Have fun with Coach Asshat guys.  I can think of 53 players and at least one hot-as-holy-hell 35 year old blogger who have November 12^th circled, highlighted, and marked with pins you’d insert into a voodoo doll, anxiously anticipating our crack at you.

Cincinnati Bengals: “Man in the Mirror” by Michael Jackson.  I actually sometimes wonder, as the ninth anniversary of drunken Bengals fan brawling with me approaches, if said drunken Bengals fan has even an ounce of appreciation for the fact that I refused to press charges against him for his assault and battery that day?  Has he started with the man in the mirror?  Has he decided to change his ways?  I still think I did the right thing, to act like the whole thing never happened, but please, fellow readers, NFL fans – it is perfectly cool to verbally taunt the opposition.  It is NEVER cool to cold cock the other team’s fan in the face because you don’t like that he applauded when his team scored.  That is NEVER cool.  Especially when it results in that poor dude who got cold-cocked (hey, that’s me!) having to drop $553 on a new pair of glasses because he’s blind as a bat without those or contacts.  On second thought, I should have pressed charges … or at least sent him a bill.

Cleveland Browns: “Out of My Head” by Theory of a Deadman.  If you ignore them, do they just go away?  God I hope so.  I’m sorry Cooksey, but your team SUCKS chica.  SUCKS!

Bottom Line: I believe this is the Ravens last true shot at a championship, at least with this core of players, especially on defense.  They will put themselves in prime position to pull it off.

Final Prediction: we’ll have our first sideline brawl since the end of the 1993 season, when Buddy Ryan and Kevin Gilbride threw down on the Oilers sideline, at some point during the Chiefs / Steelers Monday nighter, as Big Ben and Coach Asshat exchange blows.  Good times!

2012's most anticipated post part vi: the afc east

(mid 1980s nbc announcer voice) Previously, on 2012's most anticipated post of the year ...

Click here for the NFC East projections.
Click here for the NFC North projections.
Click here for the NFC South projections.
Click here for the NFC West projections.
Click here for the NFC Postseason projections.

And now, Part VI, the AFC East:

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And now we turn our attention, slowly yet surely, to the AFC, the conference from which I’d wager all $25.02 in my checking account, and $19.74 in my savings account (reminds me, damned BofA “keep the change” thingy.  No wonder my balance seemed way off this morning) that this year’s Lombardi Trophy winner will emerge from.

Having watched three weeks of the preseason, I am 90% confident in who the six playoff teams from the AFC are going to be.  Well, scratch that – I’m extremely confident on five of them.  I’m still not sure about who I have winning the AFC South.  Let’s start with by far and away the easiest division to predict …

(Please click picture below for full Excel schedule breakdown):

* Final Order of Finish:

1. New England Patriots

2. Buffalo Bills

3. New York Jets

4. Miami Dolphins

* First Read: No surprises whatsoever.  I thought the Pats or the AFC North winner will have home field advantage coming into this, and am not surprised New England checks in at 13 wins.  A December Jets collapse to cost them a playoff berth?  That NEVER happens (rimshot!)

* Biggest Game: Patriots at Ravens, week 3.  Could have huge playoff seeing ramifications, plus it’s a rematch of one tremendous AFC Title Game eight months ago.  Also, Bills at Dolphins week 16 – my one projected upset that throws the AFC playoff field into abject chaos.  We get one every year.  I think this one is gonna be it.

* Seems wacky: nothing.  No, really – if you asked any person with even a minimal knowledge of the sport to rank these four teams entering the season?  This is exactly how they’d rank them.

* Division (Home) Uniform Rankings:

1. New York Jets

2. Buffalo Bills

3. Miami Dolphins

4. New England Patriots

Reason: before you accuse me of bias, when we get to the AFC West home uni rankings, you will see I am not only unbiased, if anything, I’m way TOO biased AGAINST my team’s uni.  None of these uniforms really stand out.  Green trumps three shades of blue.

* Division MVP: Tom Brady, Patriots.  The reigning and undefeated champion until proven otherwise. 

* Song from Mixology 2012 to Describe Each Team:

New England Patriots: “Let It Be” by the Beatles.  Why fix what ain’t broke?  Why mess with what works? 

Buffalo Bills: “I Will Wait” by Hootie and the Blowfish.  Thirteen years without a playoff berth and counting, the longest streak in the league.  That ain’t good.

New York Jets: “Downfall” by TRUST Company.  I can only speak for myself, but I am SO anxiously awaiting the inevitable December collapse, that begins Thanksgiving night at the Fake Meadowlands against the Patriots.

Miami Dolphins: “I Don’t Care” by Fall Out Boy.  Is there a more unwatchable team in the league?  No, really – is there any other team in this league you have LESS of a desire to see than the Dolphins?  Because I can’t think of one.

* Bottom Line: Tom Brady took over as the Patriots quarterback in week two of the 2001 season, after the Jets nearly ended Drew Bledsoe’s career when Mo Lewis collapsed Bledsoe’s lung on a vicious hit.  (Of COURSE the Jets ensured fifteen years of futility by getting Brady on the field.  Bleeding Christ.)

In the 11 seasons since, the Patriots have won the division nine times, and Brady has been there starter for ten of those 11 seasons.  Can you name the only quarterback in the last 11 years to win the AFC East other than Tom Brady?

And … time.  The answer is Chad Pennington, in 2002 with the Jets, in 2008 with the Dolphins.  That’s dominance.

* Final Prediction: Chad Pennington will remain the only quarterback not named Tom Brady to win the AFC East in the Brady era.

2012's most anticipated post part iv: the nfc west

Finally (for the NFC at least …) the NFC Worst … I mean, West, which actually played out even more perfectly than I thought going into this exercise.  (Please click picture below for full Excel schedule breakdown):

* Final Order of Finish:

1. Seattle Seahawks

2. San Francisco 49ers

3. Arizona “Super” Cardinals

4. St. Louis Rams.

* First Read: the Seahawks are my sleeper in the NFC.  I absolutely think they’re capable of knocking off a decent Packers team at home, winning at Chicago, and putting the fear of Christ into whoever survives the other game in the divisional round.  That was my thoughts entering this.  Also, for anyone who questions whether I stand behind my predictions, uum – I’m basing this on the belief Seattle is going to be good.  I’m posting this 24 hours BEFORE I will see their starters play at least a half, in person.  Let’s just say, I’m high on the Seahawks this year.

* Biggest Game(s): Dallas at Seattle, week two.   Determined who got the bye to the divisional round.  Yes, peoples and peepettes, I have the Seahawks hosting a divisional round game as the two seed.  (And that doesn’t give you a moment’s pause?)  Hell no it doesn’t. 

* Seems Wacky: nothing.  The 49ers schedule is brutal, and ask any fan of the 2011 Chiefs – you always regress to the median.  The 49ers improved by 7 games last year simply due to a HUGE upgrade in coaching, and a shitty division, arguably the shittiest since … the 2010 NFC West (rimshot!) 

The odds of the 49ers, now facing a first place schedule, with the same roster, and more specifically, the same crappy QB, winning 13 games and hosting the NFC Title Game again?  Are as slim as the odds of me getting laid tonight.  And trust me – I already scoured the “casual encounters” section on Craigslist for today.  It ain’t happening.

* Division (Home) Uniform Rankings:

1. San Francisco 49ers

2. Seattle Seahawks

3. St. Louis Rams

4. Arizona “Super” Cardinals

Reason: I LOVE the 49ers classic look, right down to how they’ve redesigned the endzone logo the last few years.  (It also doesn’t suck that San Francisco is arguably the prettiest city in America.  Sorry Clearwater, ya know I love ya, and God willing I’ll be laying on your beaches come October 12^th … but San Francisco is America’s most beautiful city.  And in case you think I’m biased … I used to work for the company whose name adorns the city’s most famous structure, up until they decided their employees don’t matter as much as raising the stock price $0.02 and kicked us all to the curb.  If I can STILL find San Francisco that gorgeous?  Yeah, it’s gorgeous.)

And I know I’m in the minority, but I kinda like the wacky, crazy, “what the hell is that color scheme?!?!” look the Seahawks roll out every week.  It might be wacky, crazy, “what the hell”-ish … but at least its memorable.

* Division MVP: Marshawn Lynch, Seahawks.  I think Seattle is going to roll the dice and go with the rookie over the free-agent addition at quarterback.  (A gamble, by the way, I’d do as well … and yes, I am well aware we took yet another in a seemingly endless 25 year run of "third round OL who'll never see significant playing time" exactly ONE pick ahead of Seattle taking Mr. Wilson.  Hang on, there’s a cinder block calling the side of my head, asking if it’s ready to be bashed to pieces.  Give me a few minutes …)

* Division Coach / Year: Pete Carroll, Seahawks.  As a Jets fan, you have NO idea how much seeing this sack of shit continue to find success disgusts me.  I mean seriously, how?  HOW?  How is Pete Carroll a successful head coach?  This is the absolute idiot whose team FELL for Marino’s fake spike!  This is a guy who was so crappy at his job (1994 season), that the Jets fired him after one disasterous 6-10 season … and replaced him with Rick Kotite!  Yes, the Jets thought Rich Kotite was an IMPROVEMENT over Pete Carroll!!!  I just … (pausing, calming down …) yeah, no wonder the Jets are a national joke.

* Song From Mixology 2012 To Describe Each Team:

Seattle Seahawks: “Electric Feel” by MGMT.  I’m really high on this team.  I anxiously await seeing them in person tomorrow.

San Francisco 49ers: “Save Me, San Francisco!” by Train.  What, like I could pick ANYTHING else?  God, I love this song!  “I’ve been high!  I’ve been low!  I’ve been yes, and I’ve been OH HELL NO!  I’ve been rock and roll and disco!  Won’t you save me, San Francisco?  I’ve been up!  I’ve been down!  I’ve been so damned lost since you’re not around!  I’ve been reggae and calypso – won’t you save me, San Francisco!!!”  (By the way: the official 2014 roadie has already been decided, and we’re headed to the Bay.  Just as a FYI.)

Arizona “Super” Cardinals: “Look Away” by Chicago.  Because when you see this team on your flat screen, passing by?  Do yourself a favor, and look away!  Baby, look away!

St. Louis Rams: “Tipsy” by J-Kwon.  Of all the craptacular rappers St. Louis dropped on the nation to open the prior decade, this one was the worst.  (And yet you love this song?)  Hell yes I do.

* Bottom Line: this entire prediction is based on anyone other than Tarvaris Jackson getting the nod as Seattle’s starting QB.  Either Matt Flynn or Russell Wilson can – and will – go 10-6 and win the NFC West, to become arguably the worst NFL team to host a divisional round game since your 1989 Cleveland Browns (at 9-6-1) hosted the Buffalo Bills (9-7) in a battle of division champions.  And to think people actually think expansion weakened the talent pool …

* Final Prediction: Troy Aikman will still be thought of as the greatest ex-Oklahoma quarterback to play in the NFL when the 2012 NFL season ends.

* SPECIAL!!!  Answer to last night’s trivia question: Todd Haley beat exactly ONE playoff bound team in his tenure as the Chiefs head coach.  Can you name that team?

(cue a convenient distraction …) and time.

Your 2010 Seattle Seahawks.  Yes, the ONLY playoff bound team Todd Haley beat as a head coach, was the ONLY NFL playoff team to ever qualify for the postseason with a losing record.  I feel that, in the interest of fairness?  You deserve to know that Romeo Crennel has DOUBLED Todd Haley’s postseason scalps, in three games.

Yeah, I’d say that was a good coaching change …

2012's most anticipated post part iii: the nfc south

Third up: the NFC South!  (Please click picture below for full Excel schedule breakdown):

* Final Order of Finish:

1. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (based on conference record)

2. Carolina Panthers (based on strength of victory)

3. New Orleans Saints (screwed big time!  (cue average saints fan voice) fuck you Goodell!!!)

4. Atlanta Falcons

* First Read: the Saints and Falcons Panthers tie in EVERY possible tiebreaker down to whatever the hell is 5^th or 6^th, which is points scored.  (I think*).  They have identical overall records, identical head to head, identical conference, identical division, identical common opponents.  I think – and that’s a guess at best – I think Carolina will score more than New Orleans.  I only mention this, because the final wildcard in the NFC?  HINGES on this tie-breaker between Carolina and New Orleans (the Panthers, FYI, are drawing dead in this scenario … but the Saints aren’t.)

(*: UPDATE -- it's not!  Strength of Victory is ahead of points scored.  Still didn't change my projection, although I had to haul the calculator out to figure out 2nd place.  And yes -- second place in the NFC South literally determined the last NFC Wildcard ... and there were more teams involved than just these two.)  

* Biggest Game(s): well, Carolina / New Orleans splitting threw this projection into abject chaos.  Trust me – ABJECT CHAOS, for the final NFC Wildcard Berth.  What would have avoided said chaos?  Was if Carolina had won at Philly to close November on a Monday night.  Also, Bucs last place schedule was HUGE – they won both their non-common games (Vikings / Rams), while the Panthers (Bears / Seahawks) and Saints (Packers / 49ers) split theirs.  (pause).  Fine, sometimes it IS who you play that determines the damned division.

* Seems Wacky: on the surface, Atlanta collapsing SEEMS wacky.  But LOOK at that opening six game stretch, if not opening nine games (counting the three after the bye).  EVERY DAMNED SEASON, some hyped team collapses due to an early rough stretch of games, and never recovers.  (For the ultimate example of this, I give you the 2004 Kansas City Chiefs, who opened at wildcard team denver, vs NFC Champion Carolina, then blew the Houston game, traveled to AFC North champion Baltimore, then had to go to rising Jacksonville, before facing Atlanta (who reached the NFC Title Game) and Indianapolis (ditto for the AFC).)  I think they collapse under the weight of expectations, and an insanely tough opening.

* Division (Home) Uniform Rankings: again, taking extreme liberties here:

1. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (all orange look from the late 80s / early 90s)
2. New Orleans Saints
3. Atlanta Falcons
4. Carolina Panthers

Reason: The other three all suck, as does Tampa's current incarnation.  But the all orange look?  IMPRESSIVE!

* Division MVP: (the sports guy voice) Jawsh Freeman, Bucs.  Considering I’m trying to acquire him in my main fantasy league right now, I, uuh, probably should have held this post back.

* Division Coach / Year: Greg Schiano, Bucs.  It is not often I am as high … as I am at a Ben Harper concert (rimshot!)  I kid, I kid.  I LOVED the Schiano hire.  LOVED it.  Schiano is going to be the first successful BCS level college coach to advance to the NFL, AND win a Super Bowl as a head coach, since? 

The answer at the bottom of the post … and I guaran-damn-tee you, you’ll whiff on it, unless you REALLY think about it.  I’ll give you one hint: if you’re thinking of the two most OBVIOUS possible answers, both of whom coached for the same franchise, in the same decade, and essentially coached the same team as it was constructed, you will NOT be correct.  (Cue every Nebraska fan from 1993 nodding at realizing who said coach is … knowing Thanksgiving Day 1993's prime-time ESPN game cost the Huskers a three-peat ... and nope, said coach didn’t coach the Big Red either …)

* Song From Mixology 2012 To Describe Each Team:

Tampa Bay Bucs: “Am I The Only One” by Dierks Bentley.  Because I probably am the only person who’s picking Tampa to win this division.  So be it.

Carolina Panthers: “I Hate Myself For Loving You” by Joan Jett and the Blackhearts.  There is not one legitimate reason why I should love Cam Newton like I do … but I do. 

New Orleans Saints: “Somebody That I Used To Know” by Gotye.  The slow decline begins in three … two … one … and unlike most declines, this one is totally deserved.

Atlanta Falcons: “Time to Pretend” by MGMT.  Speaking of teams about to sink into an irrelevant existance, your Atlanta Falcons everyone!!!

* Bottom Line: laugh all you want – I think Greg Schiano was THE BEST MOVE of the entire offseason.  This guy can FLAT OUT COACH.  Again, laugh all you want, but if you’re familiar with football in the Big East area whatsoever (and, sadly, I am): the guy won at Rutgers.  The only thing I can equate that to, that KC area folks will get, is to take what Mark Mangino pulled off in 2007?  And have him do it for EIGHT STRAIGHT YEARS.  That’s what Schiano did.  That was the “grand slam hire” of the offseason.  (Although, bias aside, I’d rank peyton manning 2, and Eric Winston 3.  And I could be talked into flipping that order before I run the AFC schedules tomorrow.)

* Final Prediction: I swallow hard and do not boo, nor do I cheer, Mr. Tony Gonzalez upon his return to Arrowhead September 9^th.  Personally?  I’d like to take the HHH Memorial Sledge Hammer to the side of his head, REPEATEDLY, for putting personal goals ahead of ultimate victory on September 28, 2008, a day that will NEVER be forgotten by me for as long as I have a conscious memory.  (And in the ultimate “yup, God has it out for Stevo” moment of a lifetime?  A chica who I call, uum, “the chica”, who I consider to be not only one of my best friends, but one of the finest people I’ll ever have the privilege of knowing?  I met her not even 72 hours after taunting her team’s fan’s leaving that day.  The lesson?  God hates me.  Or he loves the broncos.  And I REFUSE to believe the latter is even REMOTELY possible …)

* And the bonus: the answer to the question above, the last majorly successful FBS / Division I-A NCAA coach to move to the NFL and win a Lombardi Trophy?  WAKE UP PEOPLE!  It happened this year!  Tom Coughlin, formerly of Boston College (whose crushing – CRUSHING – last second defeat to West Virginia in 1993 cost Nebraska a three-peat (the Huskers would have BLASTED West Virginia in the Orange Bowl, if the “wait, how the fuck is an 11-0 team losing to BOSTON FREAKING COLLEGE?!?!” reaction in the polls hadn’t elevated one-loss Florida State into the two slot entering the bowl season.) 

I know, you were thinking Jimmy Johnson (Miami) or Barry Switzer (Oklahoma).  Wrong.  Tom freaking Coughlin, who parlayed a couple Big East titles into a solid run in Jacksonville, and two Lombardi’s and counting in the swamps of North Jersey.

If you want to argue “he had a NFL stop in between!”, then it’s Switzer.  But come on – not even the most die-hard of Dallas fan admits the Switzer years happened …

* Tomorrow's trivia question: name the ONLY playoff-bound team Todd Haley defeated as head coach of the Chiefs.  Here's a hint: they're arguably the WORST team to EVER qualify for the postseason.  And they managed to win (at least) one more game than Mr. Haley when they got to said postseason ...

2012's most anticipated post, part ii: the nfc north

Next up: the NFC Central!  (Please click picture below for full Excel schedule breakdown):

* Final Order of Finish:

1. Chicago Bears

2. Green Bay Packers

3. Detroit Lions

4. Minnesota Vikings

* First Read: fit EXACTLY what I thought would happen.  (Unlike my NFC South first read, and hang on – we’re going there next).  I LOVE the Bears entering this season.  (Which means you probably want to bet heavily on Green Bay or Detroit.  After all, I offer up my predictions as a “fair warning” to the gambling public, as a guide on who not to wager on.)

* Biggest Game(s): Packers at Bears was the ultimate decider of the division, but what really swung the division was the Seahawks – namely, the Bears got them in Chicago to open December (brrrrrr!), while the Pack had to go out there in prime time in late September.

* Seems Wacky: wait, how in the name of God did I have Minnesota sitting at 6-4 at their bye?  The answer?  Look at that schedule.  It’s CAKE through week 10.  If you’re looking for this year’s “where the hell did they come from?!?!” SHOCK playoff contender entering December?  Again – LOOK AT THAT SCHEDULE!  You could put Tyler Palko under center and win at least 4.  With a decent option in Christian Ponder (who I like, by the way … albeit not in “that way”.  Not that there’s ANYTHING wrong with that (rimshot!))?  Absolutely 6-4 is doable, and 7-3 isn’t a crack pipe dream.  But the finish … YIKES.  4 of 6 on the road, 5 of 6 against credible playoff threats, 4 of 6 against the two powerhouses in your division.  Someone at NFL Headquarters hates the Vikings.  (Which means you know we’re getting one HELLUVA awesome “fuck you Goodell!” column out of Drew Magary on Deadspin at some point before September 7^th …)

* Division (Home) Uniform Rankings: and yes, I am taking EXTREME liberties here with who “wins” the contest …

1. Detroit Lions (75^th anniversary throwback)

2. Chicago Bears

3. Green Bay Packers

4. Minnesota Vikings.

Reason: there has NEVER been a uniform I loved more than the 1994 75^th NFL anniversary uniforms the Lions wore.  NEVER.  (Although a damned photo-finish close second?  Is winning the AFC West rankings, and here’s a hint: it ain’t the Chiefs.)  I LOVED the dark blue with the dark grey lettering and numbers, with the dark grey pants and dark blue socks (with dark grey shoes) to boot.  Put it this way: when Scott Mitchell looks respectable?  You’ve got a winner in town.  And there’s NEVER been a better winner in NFL uniforms, than the Lions 75^th anniversary throwback.

The other three are all perfectly acceptable – but nowhere NEAR as epic as the Lions anniversary look.

* Division MVP: Christian Ponder, Vikings.  Yeah, I’m taking the QB of the last place team as your divisional MVP.  Why?  Because I have them sitting at 6-4 entering their bye!  I don’t care what the “stars” of the division are expected to do – NOBODY expects the Vikings to be decent for 2/3rds of the season (other than me).  If God (and Roger Goodell) didn’t hate the Vikings, and didn’t schedule 5 of their toughest 6 games of the season at the end of the schedule, maybe Mr. Ponder would get more year-end appreciation than he’s going to get.

* Division Coach / Year: Lovie Smith, Bears.  A brief spoiler alert: I have the Bears with home-field advantage throughout the playoffs for the second time in Lovie’s tenure, and I have them hosting the NFC title game for the third time in his tenure.  That is, respective, two and three more times than the Chiefs can say that since I graduated from college, and my 15^th anniversary awaits in less than 20 months.  Hell, I’ve waited this long to drop it: (fake enthusiasm voice) ain’t we lucky we got ‘em, good times.

* Song from Mixology 2012 To Describe Each Team:

Chicago Bears: “Downfall” by TRUST Company.  Enjoy this season Bears fans – your “downfall” is about six months away.

Green Bay Packers: “North to Alaska” by Johnny Horton.  Because it’s the only place in the world colder than a playoff game at Lambeau Field.

Detroit Lions: “Going Under” by Evanescence.  Probably should have saved this for the NFC South loser, to be honest … but the Lions will be the NFC’s second biggest underachiever … behind said NFC South loser.

Minnesota Vikings: “The Rising” by Bruce Springsteen.  This is your NFC North team on the rise.  They’ll show flashes of what 2013 and beyond holds this year, and will be squarely in the wildcard race entering December.  “Come on up for the rising!”

* Bottom Line: the ONLY projection from the NFC I even have a 2/1000ths of a second moment of hesitation on, is the Lions.  That 4 out of 5 on the road stretch in November, I have burying them.  (I have them 0 for the road in that stretch.)  If they win as favorites in Jacksonville and Minnesota?  They’re squarely in the middle of the race for the last wildcard.  It’s not WHO you play, its WHEN you play them.  And dropping 4 of 5 on the road in “moving month” of the season, hurts, big time.

* Final Prediction: the Bears will actively seek to trade Jay Cutler this offseason after yet another meltdown at home in January.  And (please, Christ, NO!!!) the Chiefs will be actively involved in attempting to acquire him.

Up next, your NFC South projections, which damned near caused my laptop to set itself on fire trying to figure out the three way tie for first ... and more specifically, the "wait, STRENGTH OF VICTORY MATTERS?!?!?!?!" tiebreaker not employed in 30 years in the NFL for second ...

2012's most anticipated post, part i: the nfc east

I begin “The Most Anticipated Post Of the Year” by noting … that you’re getting not one, not two, not even three.  (“super colon blow”* announcer voice) I’ll give you one more guess.  Four?

Not even close.

(*: note: I clicked at least 45 pages deep in a Youtube! search for this all-time classic SNL ad parody.  If you've never seen it, you have truly missed out on one of Phil Hartman's greatest moments.)

You’re getting AT LEAST nine most anticipated posts!  Oh hell yes, I’m breaking this out, one for each division, and then the overall postseason*!  I’m telling you, I am GEEKED for this season**! 

(*: I honestly am this fired up.  I’m actually attending Friday’s crappy scrimmage to boot!  The last time I made both preseason games?  2006, the last time I was as fired up for a season as I am for this one.  And yes, I still think trading a fourth round pick for Herm Edwards was a smart move, and if I ran the Chiefs, Herm would still be our head coach.  Deal with it.  Ask yourself this – was Todd Haley better than Herm?  (Nope).  And I wouldn’t wager even $0.01 on Romeo winding up better than him …)

(**: if you don’t think this is a BLATANT, beyond obvious attempt to speed up the push to 600 posts (this one is 587), then you’re dumber than an Obama economic proposal.  (pause.)  Vote Romney!!!)

Let’s begin in the NFC East, also known as the only division I believe every team will at least finish .500 in (click picture below for full Excel schedule breakdown):

* Final Order of Finish:

1. Dallas Cowboys (win tiebreaker on divisional record)

2. Philadelphia Eagles

3. New York Giants

4. Washington Redskins

* First Read: you win seven in a row to close your season, good things are probably going to happen as a result.  I have Dallas opening 3-6 … then rallying to steal the division in the season finale.  Also, closing with 5 of 7 at home doesn't hurt either.

* Biggest Game(s): obviously Dallas holding serve at home to open December.  That ultimately decided the division champion.  Also, the Philly games against the NFC South.  Wound up being HUGE in figuring out the abject clusterfuck the final wildcard wound up being.  (Cue the “stay tuned …” voice).

* Seems wacky: nothing, honestly.  Philly entered the finale simply needing to win (or have Dallas lose) to win the division, or possibly get the six seed as their failsafe.  Dallas, the Giants, and Washington all entered the finale very much alive for the final wildcard slot, and in Dallas’ case, very much alive for the division.  This almost played out exactly like I expected entering the schedule running ... except Dallas and Philly flipped spots.  

* Division (Home) Uniform Rankings: I love this ongoing feature at ESPN.com this week, so I'm blatantly stealing it to get another category in each division's prognostication.  (FYI: both the Royals and the Chiefs are in the top 50 … I’m guessing the Royals appear in tomorrow’s 26-50 ranking, and the Chiefs crack the top 25.  Also?  denver ranked 107 (out of 122).  Seems a tad too high, by about 15 spots, to be honest.  Even in a damned pointless "rank the pro sports uniform" throw-away feature, I can find a way to hate denver.  Admit it: I'm pretty damned talented!!)

Anyways, NFC East (Home) Uni Rankings:

1. Dallas Cowboys

2. Washington Redskins

3. New York Giants

4. Philadelphia Eagles

Reason: normally I oppose white jerseys for home games in football … but come on, the Cowboys white look is CLASSIC.  They're the only NFL team that can get away with it.  I love when the ‘Skins go Indian red with puke yellow, it’s another classic look.  Giants and Eagles both rank in the bottom five uniforms in the league, although the lower-case “ny” on their helmets somewhat redeems the Giants.  Philly’s unis?  Terrible.  Beyond atrocious.  What in the hell is that wing-like thing on their helmet and shoulder pads?  I say wing-like, because I honestly have NO CLUE if the artist has ever seen an eagle’s wing before.  It looks like my four year old nephew designed it, and, uum, while he’s “My Special Little Guy”, let’s just say, art is not going to be his strength in life.

* Division MVP: Tony Romo, Cowboys.  If Dallas wins this division, it’s because Romo finally elevates his game to a championship caliber-level.  I have them winning the division.  (u2 voice) el-e-va-tion!

* Division Coach / Year: “Fat” Andy Reid, Eagles.  He has to reach the playoffs, and probably win at least once, once he gets there, to keep his job.  (Side note to Scott Pioli: if Jeff Lurie is dumb enough to fire “Fat” Andy Reid?  The VERY NEXT PHONE CALL Mr. Reid gets had BETTER be from your, sir.) 

I predict the Eagles will at least reach the clusterfuck of 10-6 NFC teams desperately brushing up on tie-breaker procedures to figure out who the six seed is.  (Trust me – when the full NFC plays out, you’ll be as “wait, what?!?!” when it comes to who the six seed is, as I wound up.  And yes, a freaking “fling it against the wall and see if it sticks” projection on STRENGTH OF VICTORY to figure out the second place NFC South team?  Actually wound up determining the six seed amongst the three teams tied for it (and I have SIX NFC teams finishing 10-6 … although 3 won their divisions).  In the words of Jack Buck, “Go crazy folks!  Go crazy!!!”)

* Song From Mixology 2012 To Describe Each Team:

Dallas Cowboys – “The Best of What’s Around” by DMB.  Hey, they do project to win the division, albeit through the biggest backdoor playoff berth since the 1995 Lions.

Philadelphia Eagles – “I Want It All” by Queen.  It would have been “All Or Nothing” by Theory of a Deadman, but, uum, they didn’t make the initial Mixologist’s cut.

New York Giants – “Dancing On The Ceiling” by Lionel Richie.  Defending champs.  I can only DREAM of the day I can say that about the Chiefs.

Washington Redskins – “Daydream Believer” by the Monkees.  I’d argue they’re the best last place team in football … but just wait until I get to the NFC South projections.  I have the ‘Skins three games ahead of the last place NFC South team (with a victory in hand).  And on a neutral field?  The NFC South loser would be AT LEAST a touchdown favorite today, over the ‘Skins.  Also, I just like typing ‘Skins.  #callmearacist,kcstar.

* Bottom line: this division ROCKS.  No, really – it effing ROCKS.  I could watch NFC East teams battle all Sunday long, and again on Monday night, every week.  And clearly the powers that be agree with me – no division has more prime time and stand alone national contests, than the NFC East does, with 24 (out of 64 games NFC East teams will play.  More than 1 out of every 3 NFC East scheduled game, will be in the national slot.  (john davidson voice) That’s incredible!)

* Final Prediction: For the third consecutive offseason, no NFC East team will change its head coach.  That HAS to be some kind of record for this division, the most competitive in the NFL for decades running now.

Coming next bat time, same bat channel?  The NFC North – the ONLY division so far that went EXACTLY as I thought it would entering the running of the schedules …