Finally (for the NFC at least …) the NFC Worst … I mean,
West, which actually played out even more perfectly than I thought going into
this exercise. (Please click picture below for full Excel schedule breakdown):
* Final Order of Finish:
1. Seattle Seahawks
2. San Francisco 49ers
3. Arizona “Super” Cardinals
4. St. Louis Rams.
* First Read: the Seahawks are my sleeper in the NFC. I absolutely think they’re capable of
knocking off a decent Packers team at home, winning at Chicago, and putting the
fear of Christ into whoever survives the other game in the divisional
round. That was my thoughts entering
this. Also, for anyone who questions
whether I stand behind my predictions, uum – I’m basing this on the belief
Seattle is going to be good. I’m posting
this 24 hours BEFORE I will see their starters play at least a half, in
person. Let’s just say, I’m high on the
Seahawks this year.
* Biggest Game(s): Dallas at Seattle, week two. Determined who got the bye to the divisional
round. Yes, peoples and peepettes, I
have the Seahawks hosting a divisional round game as the two seed. (And that doesn’t give you a moment’s
pause?) Hell no it doesn’t.
* Seems Wacky: nothing.
The 49ers schedule is brutal, and ask any fan of the 2011 Chiefs – you always
regress to the median. The 49ers
improved by 7 games last year simply due to a HUGE upgrade in coaching, and a
shitty division, arguably the shittiest since … the 2010 NFC West
(rimshot!)
The odds of the 49ers, now facing a first place schedule,
with the same roster, and more specifically, the same crappy QB, winning 13
games and hosting the NFC Title Game again?
Are as slim as the odds of me getting laid tonight. And trust me – I already scoured the “casual
encounters” section on Craigslist for today.
It ain’t happening.
* Division (Home) Uniform Rankings:
1. San Francisco 49ers
2. Seattle Seahawks
3. St. Louis Rams
4. Arizona “Super” Cardinals
Reason: I LOVE the 49ers classic look, right down to how
they’ve redesigned the endzone logo the last few years. (It also doesn’t suck that San Francisco is
arguably the prettiest city in America.
Sorry Clearwater, ya know I love ya, and God willing I’ll be laying on
your beaches come October 12th … but San Francisco is America’s most
beautiful city. And in case you think I’m
biased … I used to work for the company whose name adorns the city’s most
famous structure, up until they decided their employees don’t matter as much as
raising the stock price $0.02 and kicked us all to the curb. If I can STILL find San Francisco that
gorgeous? Yeah, it’s gorgeous.)
And I know I’m in the minority, but I kinda like the wacky,
crazy, “what the hell is that color scheme?!?!” look the Seahawks roll out
every week. It might be wacky, crazy, “what
the hell”-ish … but at least its memorable.
* Division MVP: Marshawn Lynch, Seahawks. I think Seattle is going to roll the dice and
go with the rookie over the free-agent addition at quarterback. (A gamble, by the way, I’d do as well … and
yes, I am well aware we took yet another in a seemingly endless 25 year run of "third round OL who'll never see significant playing time" exactly ONE pick ahead of Seattle taking Mr. Wilson. Hang on, there’s a
cinder block calling the side of my head, asking if it’s ready to be bashed to
pieces. Give me a few minutes …)
* Division Coach / Year: Pete Carroll, Seahawks. As a Jets fan, you have NO idea how much
seeing this sack of shit continue to find success disgusts me. I mean seriously, how? HOW?
How is Pete Carroll a successful head coach?
This is the absolute idiot whose team FELL for Marino’s fake spike! This is a guy who was so crappy at his job
(1994 season), that the Jets fired him after one disasterous 6-10 season … and
replaced him with Rick Kotite!
Yes, the Jets thought Rich Kotite was an IMPROVEMENT over Pete
Carroll!!! I just … (pausing, calming
down …) yeah, no wonder the Jets are a national joke.
* Song From Mixology 2012 To Describe Each Team:
Seattle Seahawks: “Electric Feel” by MGMT. I’m really high on this team. I anxiously await seeing them in person
tomorrow.
San Francisco 49ers: “Save Me, San Francisco!” by
Train. What, like I could pick ANYTHING
else? God, I love this song! “I’ve been high! I’ve been low! I’ve been yes, and I’ve been OH HELL NO! I’ve been rock and roll and disco! Won’t you save me, San Francisco? I’ve been up!
I’ve been down! I’ve been so
damned lost since you’re not around! I’ve
been reggae and calypso – won’t you save me, San Francisco!!!” (By the way: the official 2014 roadie has
already been decided, and we’re headed to the Bay. Just as a FYI.)
Arizona “Super” Cardinals: “Look Away” by Chicago. Because when you see this team on your flat
screen, passing by? Do yourself a favor,
and look away! Baby, look away!
St. Louis Rams: “Tipsy” by J-Kwon. Of all the craptacular rappers St. Louis
dropped on the nation to open the prior decade, this one was the worst. (And yet you love this song?) Hell yes I do.
* Bottom Line: this entire prediction is based on anyone
other than Tarvaris Jackson getting the nod as Seattle’s starting QB. Either Matt Flynn or Russell Wilson can – and
will – go 10-6 and win the NFC West, to become arguably the worst NFL team to
host a divisional round game since your 1989 Cleveland Browns (at 9-6-1) hosted
the Buffalo Bills (9-7) in a battle of division champions. And to think people actually think expansion
weakened the talent pool …
* Final Prediction: Troy Aikman will still be thought of as
the greatest ex-Oklahoma quarterback to play in the NFL when the 2012 NFL
season ends.
* SPECIAL!!! Answer
to last night’s trivia question: Todd Haley beat exactly ONE playoff bound team
in his tenure as the Chiefs head coach.
Can you name that team?
(cue a convenient distraction …) and time.
Your 2010 Seattle Seahawks.
Yes, the ONLY playoff bound team Todd Haley beat as a head coach, was
the ONLY NFL playoff team to ever qualify for the postseason with a losing
record. I feel that, in the interest of
fairness? You deserve to know that Romeo
Crennel has DOUBLED Todd Haley’s postseason scalps, in three games.
Yeah, I’d say that was a good coaching change …
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