Thursday, August 23, 2012

2012's most anticipated post part iv: the nfc west

Finally (for the NFC at least …) the NFC Worst … I mean, West, which actually played out even more perfectly than I thought going into this exercise.  (Please click picture below for full Excel schedule breakdown):

* Final Order of Finish:

1. Seattle Seahawks
2. San Francisco 49ers
3. Arizona “Super” Cardinals
4. St. Louis Rams.

* First Read: the Seahawks are my sleeper in the NFC.  I absolutely think they’re capable of knocking off a decent Packers team at home, winning at Chicago, and putting the fear of Christ into whoever survives the other game in the divisional round.  That was my thoughts entering this.  Also, for anyone who questions whether I stand behind my predictions, uum – I’m basing this on the belief Seattle is going to be good.  I’m posting this 24 hours BEFORE I will see their starters play at least a half, in person.  Let’s just say, I’m high on the Seahawks this year.

* Biggest Game(s): Dallas at Seattle, week two.   Determined who got the bye to the divisional round.  Yes, peoples and peepettes, I have the Seahawks hosting a divisional round game as the two seed.  (And that doesn’t give you a moment’s pause?)  Hell no it doesn’t. 

* Seems Wacky: nothing.  The 49ers schedule is brutal, and ask any fan of the 2011 Chiefs – you always regress to the median.  The 49ers improved by 7 games last year simply due to a HUGE upgrade in coaching, and a shitty division, arguably the shittiest since … the 2010 NFC West (rimshot!) 

The odds of the 49ers, now facing a first place schedule, with the same roster, and more specifically, the same crappy QB, winning 13 games and hosting the NFC Title Game again?  Are as slim as the odds of me getting laid tonight.  And trust me – I already scoured the “casual encounters” section on Craigslist for today.  It ain’t happening.

* Division (Home) Uniform Rankings:

1. San Francisco 49ers
2. Seattle Seahawks
3. St. Louis Rams
4. Arizona “Super” Cardinals

Reason: I LOVE the 49ers classic look, right down to how they’ve redesigned the endzone logo the last few years.  (It also doesn’t suck that San Francisco is arguably the prettiest city in America.  Sorry Clearwater, ya know I love ya, and God willing I’ll be laying on your beaches come October 12th … but San Francisco is America’s most beautiful city.  And in case you think I’m biased … I used to work for the company whose name adorns the city’s most famous structure, up until they decided their employees don’t matter as much as raising the stock price $0.02 and kicked us all to the curb.  If I can STILL find San Francisco that gorgeous?  Yeah, it’s gorgeous.)

And I know I’m in the minority, but I kinda like the wacky, crazy, “what the hell is that color scheme?!?!” look the Seahawks roll out every week.  It might be wacky, crazy, “what the hell”-ish … but at least its memorable.

* Division MVP: Marshawn Lynch, Seahawks.  I think Seattle is going to roll the dice and go with the rookie over the free-agent addition at quarterback.  (A gamble, by the way, I’d do as well … and yes, I am well aware we took yet another in a seemingly endless 25 year run of "third round OL who'll never see significant playing time" exactly ONE pick ahead of Seattle taking Mr. Wilson.  Hang on, there’s a cinder block calling the side of my head, asking if it’s ready to be bashed to pieces.  Give me a few minutes …)

* Division Coach / Year: Pete Carroll, Seahawks.  As a Jets fan, you have NO idea how much seeing this sack of shit continue to find success disgusts me.  I mean seriously, how?  HOW?  How is Pete Carroll a successful head coach?  This is the absolute idiot whose team FELL for Marino’s fake spike!  This is a guy who was so crappy at his job (1994 season), that the Jets fired him after one disasterous 6-10 season … and replaced him with Rick Kotite!  Yes, the Jets thought Rich Kotite was an IMPROVEMENT over Pete Carroll!!!  I just … (pausing, calming down …) yeah, no wonder the Jets are a national joke.

* Song From Mixology 2012 To Describe Each Team:

Seattle Seahawks: “Electric Feel” by MGMT.  I’m really high on this team.  I anxiously await seeing them in person tomorrow.

San Francisco 49ers: “Save Me, San Francisco!” by Train.  What, like I could pick ANYTHING else?  God, I love this song!  “I’ve been high!  I’ve been low!  I’ve been yes, and I’ve been OH HELL NO!  I’ve been rock and roll and disco!  Won’t you save me, San Francisco?  I’ve been up!  I’ve been down!  I’ve been so damned lost since you’re not around!  I’ve been reggae and calypso – won’t you save me, San Francisco!!!”  (By the way: the official 2014 roadie has already been decided, and we’re headed to the Bay.  Just as a FYI.)

Arizona “Super” Cardinals: “Look Away” by Chicago.  Because when you see this team on your flat screen, passing by?  Do yourself a favor, and look away!  Baby, look away!

St. Louis Rams: “Tipsy” by J-Kwon.  Of all the craptacular rappers St. Louis dropped on the nation to open the prior decade, this one was the worst.  (And yet you love this song?)  Hell yes I do.

* Bottom Line: this entire prediction is based on anyone other than Tarvaris Jackson getting the nod as Seattle’s starting QB.  Either Matt Flynn or Russell Wilson can – and will – go 10-6 and win the NFC West, to become arguably the worst NFL team to host a divisional round game since your 1989 Cleveland Browns (at 9-6-1) hosted the Buffalo Bills (9-7) in a battle of division champions.  And to think people actually think expansion weakened the talent pool …

* Final Prediction: Troy Aikman will still be thought of as the greatest ex-Oklahoma quarterback to play in the NFL when the 2012 NFL season ends.

* SPECIAL!!!  Answer to last night’s trivia question: Todd Haley beat exactly ONE playoff bound team in his tenure as the Chiefs head coach.  Can you name that team?

Your 2010 Seattle Seahawks.  Yes, the ONLY playoff bound team Todd Haley beat as a head coach, was the ONLY NFL playoff team to ever qualify for the postseason with a losing record.  I feel that, in the interest of fairness?  You deserve to know that Romeo Crennel has DOUBLED Todd Haley’s postseason scalps, in three games.

Yeah, I’d say that was a good coaching change …

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