i knew it was too good to be true ...

It’s days like these, that I openly question why I’m voting Republican this fall.

I noted a while ago my immense frustration at voting against Mr. Obama, not because I think he’s a bad person (he’s not), or because I think he’s wrong more than he’s right (he’s not … socially, anyways), or because I think Mr. Romney is a bad candidate (he’s definitely not), but because I knew, I just freaking KNEW, that social conservatives couldn’t leave well enough alone.  I knew, I just freaking KNEW, that they’d do something, probably a few somethings, that would have me shaking my head in embarrassment, frustrated over yet another “they just can’t leave well enough alone” moment.

Today, here in our part of the world, we got not one, but two for the price of one.  One in Kansas, one in Missouri.  Let’s start with the “laugh out loud funny” one first, on the Kansas side, where the dude who rep’s JoCo and WyCo in the House, Kevin Yoder, had to begin an apology tour for … wait for it … hang on, this is pretty damned funny …

Swimming buck ass naked in the Sea of Galilee. 

It’s ok, laugh at it, God knows I did (and am).  Yes, THIS is what counts as a “crisis of leadership” to social conservatives apparently -- that a dude, after a night of drinking, partakes in a local tradition and jumps into said Sea off of a restaurant’s dock where he was enjoying a few adult beverages, sans any suit save for his birthday one.

(The funniest reaction to this I've read or heard, was Dana Wright's or Scott Parks' on "Radioactive" this afternoon (I forget which one said it, but I'd bet Dana).  "Really, who amongst us hasn't tried to walk naked across a lake before?"  I was laughing so hard, the lady across from me actually turned around to see what was so funny.  And yes, this is THE body of water where Jesus literally walked on top of it.)

Really?  THIS is a story?  My God.  The country’s financial solvency literally hinges on how we vote 78 days from now, and THIS is a story?  The fact that a guy gets blitzed and hops in a friggin glorified lake without any clothes on?  Hang on, let me re-read this and see if I missed something … nope, that’s the story.  Drunk dude goes for a swim while nude.

For.  The.  Love.

If sitting in a pool, a hot tub, or a lake sans swimming suit is a crime?  I’m guilty of it*, and I’m damned sure most everyone who’ll read this is guilty too.  This?  This is INSANE, that we’re even talking about that, that Rep. Yoder has received so much outrage in his office over this ridiculous non-story, that he had to devote 30 minutes this afternoon to “taking his come-uppance” on Radioactive.  THIS?  This is not a story, other than in the “hey, look at the naked drunk guy!  Hee hee!” kind of way.

(*: I'm guilty of two of the three.  Even the most conservative gambler alive, can guess "hot tub" is one.  I'll let you all figure out the other.)

On the other hand, on my side of the state line … (stevo sighing in disgust …) wow. 

Let me put it this way: NOBODY is better at speaking before they think things through, than me.  NOBODY, as proven again throughout the past weekend.

THIS?  What Rep. Akin said in a television broadcast Sunday afternoon?  Not even I have stepped in it this bad.  Because while I may say or think a lot of loony, bat shit crazy things at times that are so far wrong, I’d get the “pants on fire” designation from FactCheck.org?  

This takes the cake.

Word for word, Rep. Akin’s thoughts on … well, I have absolutely NO CLUE what he was referencing here, he steps in it so bad.  Ostensibly, he’s answering whether he supports a woman’s right to have an abortion if she is pregnant as the result of a rape.  Here’s the money shot: “It seems to me, first of all, from what I understand from doctors, that’s really rare*.  If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down**. 

(*: I assume he means pregnancy because of rape, but honestly, this whole quote is so surreal, I have NO clue what he’s referencing.)

(**: again, not a f*cking CLUE what he’s talking about.)

Setting aside the patently INSANE idea that there’s such a thing as illegitimate rape … what, pray tell, is this magical ability that victims of rape have, to somehow prevent fertilization if it’s a woman’s “happy time” of the month?  I mean, WHAT?!?!?!  Again folks, I have stepped in it MANY times before, and will MANY times again … but THIS is beyond comprehension.

Furthermore, again, setting aside the whole idea that rape is legitimate ... what quack doctor(s) has this lunatic talked to, who actually believes this?  Did he talk to the graduating class of the West Hollywood Upstairs Medical College, and their pride and joy, Dr. Nick Riviera*?

(*: come on, EVERYONE loves Dr. Nick Riviera!)  

Because at least I usually reach a point where I think “you know Stevo, you might be wrong here, better scale back for a couple minutes.”  Rep. Akin?  WENT FURTHER!  Start the tape: “But let’s assume that maybe that*** didn’t work or something.  I think there should be some punishment, but the punishment ought to be on the rapist, and not attacking the child.”

(***: once again, if you can read his mind, and figure out what in the name of Christ he’s referencing, please – come psycho-analyze me!!!  (pause).  I need the help.)

Let me get this straight, Rep. Akin: there should be “SOME” punishment for a rapist?  How about cutting his balls off and letting him rot in a 6x8 cell in Jeff City for the next 25-30 years?  Does that seem like an appropriate “some” form of punishment for committing the third most vile, heinous, despicable crime imaginable (behind murder and child molestation … which come to think of it, is rape as well)? 

Furthermore, Rep. Akin is opposed to even allowing a rape victim access to the morning after pill to PREVENT a pregnancy from occurring.  You know, in case “maybe that didn’t work or something”.  In the interest of full disclosure, I am STRONGLY anti-abortion.  But this?  This is INSANE.  Not even I would deny a woman’s right to choose to, I don’t know, NOT HAVE TO STARE INTO THE SPAWN OF HER RAPIST FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE.  Sweet merciful Jesus, how far off the rails is this guy?  Can he even spell “rail”, let alone stay on the track?

Oh, but wait: being a social conservative, particularly of the “evangelical” persuasion?  Means that simply opening your mouth and exposing your idiocy, isn’t enough.  Oh no peoples and peepettes: you have to double down on your lunacy, via the always timely, never classy “apology that is worse than the original comment”*!!!!!  (kazoo voice**) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  It’s a CLASSIC religious conservative move, and Rep. Akin did it BRILLIANTLY.

(*: I am fully aware I am really good at this as well.  The difference being, I'll never be accused of stupidity because of my religious beliefs.  I'm just stupid because ... well ... uum ... I'm a f*cking idiot.)

(**: admit it, you clicked on the link.  Damn skippy you did.)

Start the tape: “In reviewing my off-the-cuff remarks, it’s clear that I misspoke in this interview, and it does not reflect the deep empathy I hold for the thousands of women who are raped and abused every year.  I recognize that abortion, particularly in the case of rape, is a very emotionally charged issue.  But I believe deeply in the protection of all life, and I do not believe that harming another innocent victim is the right course of action.”

Wait.  WHAT?!?!  (stevo spitting out his vodka and lemonade …)  No, really.  WHAT?!?!?!

These were “OFF THE CUFF REMARKS”?!?!?!  What, pray tell, was OFF about them, other than EVERY DAMNED WORD YOU SAID, Mr. Akin?  And again, I am as anti-abortion as you will EVER find from someone my age that’s a male.  It’s a huge sore spot with friends of mine, particularly of the female persuasion, when they realize it.  So be it, I am who I am, and I view abortion as murder.  Having said that, is Mr. Akin mentally all there?  How in the hell does preventing a pregnancy equate abortion?  What’s next, believing that wearing a condom is the equivalent of murder?  (Something, sadly, the Church DOES believe, which is reason number 1,038,587,484 out of a countless number of reasons for why I refuse to step foot in the Church voluntarily.)

Here’s why Mr. Akin’s comments matter, and why he MUST step down as a candidate by the deadline of 5pm CT on August 21^st.  While I personally don’t think the Electoral Map as currently constructed is accurate (I think Romney has North Carolina sewn up, and I think Pennsylvania is a toss-up, but whatever), the bottom line is that even if you give him North Carolina, and Pennyslvania stays Obama, it’s 237-206 right now.  And that’s with Missouri solidly in the “leans Romney” category.

If Rep. Akin is on the ballot on November 6^th?  Kiss Missouri goodbye.  Senator McCaskill (who I believe was going to win anyways, because, again, read Rep. Akin’s comments above: the man is a lunatic) will cruise to a 65-35 victory, and thousands of voters who might have stayed home due to Obama apathy?  Now have a reason to show up, and that’s to send a message to the GOP and Rep. Akin that, you know, you’re f*cking insane.  And odds are, most of those voters will vote for Obama, who lost Missouri by less than 7,000 votes four years ago, out of over 4 million cast, and that's without the usual "shady shenanigans in St. Louis" attempt to steal the state that usually occurs (and wasn't needed last time).

And folks, if Obama wins Missouri?  It’s over.  Look at the map linked above.  That pushes him to 248, meaning if he carries Florida (29), he’s over the top.  If he carries Ohio (18), he only has to win ONE other tossup state (New Hampshire would do it) to get to 270.  Let that sink in -- if Rep. Akin stays on the ballot, and Missouri thus switches to Barry, combined with Ohio going Democrat?  That means Mr. Romney has to win EVERY FREAKING TOSSUP STATE LEFT to win.  The odds of going 9 for 9?  I'm gonna go with slim and none, and none is a 22 1/2 point favorite.

If he wins Virginia (13) and Wisconsin (10) along with Missouri (not an unlikely outcome, and actually at worst a 40/60 bet right now, for what it’s worth, if Rep. Akin is still on the ballot come 5:01pm tomorrow), he hits 271 and it’s over.

Rep. Akin MUST be replaced, if simply to try to keep Missouri squarely in the Romney camp.  (Mr. Romney currently leads in all five major polls in Missouri: he’s +6 on RCP (moderate), +1 on SurveyUSA (liberal), +6 on Rasmussen (best in the business), +9 in the Post Dispatch poll (liberal), +9 on Karl Rove’s survey (conservative).) 

No matter which poll you rely on, and the only one I believe is Rasmussen, Missouri AS OF NOW is decided.  If Rep. Akin is still in this thing come 5:01pm tomorrow?

President Obama WILL win Missouri, and he WILL win re-election.

Words have consequences.  I know that all too well.  If we’re to save this nation from looking coast to coast like California on crack with a couple sides of meth and ecstacy kicked in?  

Mr. Akin’s words MUST have consequences as well, and must get him the hell out of this race.  At this point, it doesn’t matter WHO replaces him – Senator McCaskill is going to win, and win handily this fall (as she should.  She’s done a decent job for our state, and while I disagree with some of her votes, when you weigh her pros and cons, she deserves another six years to fight for Missouri in the nation’s capital.)

It just matters that he's replaced.  If only to prevent the inevitable "I'm voting against the mentally disabled dude with the R behind his name" stampede to the polls on November 6th.  (pause).  Man, this was SO MUCH EASIER when I believed every person on the ballot with a R behind their name was "special" ...