“She’s fine, most of the time.
She takes her days with a smile.
Moves like a dancer in lights;
Spinning around to the sound.
But sometimes?
She falls down …
Breathe.
Just breathe.
Take the world off your shoulders,
And put it on me!
Breathe.
Just breathe!
Let the life that you live?
Be all that you need! …”
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Last Week SU: 8-7-0.
Season to Date SU: 32-31-0.
Last Week ATS: 9-5-1.
Season to Date ATS: 33-28-2.
Last Week Upset O’ The Week: I’m getting scared!
Season to Date Upset / Week SU: 3-1-0.
Season to Date Upset / Week ATS: 4-0-0.
This Week’s Upset O’ The Week: Cowboys (+1 ½) over Bengals.
Last Week SUCK: we’re not trying that reverse psychology thing
again.
Season to Date SUCK: 2-2-0.
This Week’s SUCK: Colts (-5) over Bears.
(Note: the SUCK gets credit for being wrong, because it is
my favorite bet on the board.)
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The Non-Jets, Non-Chiefs Picks:
* My Thursday Night Prediction was 49ers 20, “Super” Cardinals
17. We’re off to a sh*ttacular start
here, folks!
* at Colts (-5) 34, Bears 13. This just feels like a “Come to Jesus” game
for the Colts, doesn’t it? This has “p*ssed
off team takes it out on horrific team” written all over it.
* at Dolphins (-3 ½) 31, Titans 10. If Miami wins this game – because like the
Packers, the Dolphins also somehow enjoy five straight weeks at home this year,
beginning this week – if Miami wins this game, their season just got very, very
intriguing.
Oh, and absolutely – Good Times Game O’ The Week!
* Patriots 27, at Browns (+11) 24. The Browns are feisty. They’re terrible, but at least they’re
feisty.
Oh, and without question – (allard baird voice) without
question! – ALF Game O’ The Week!
* Eagles (-3) 38, at Lions 10. Enjoy “Corpse” Caldwell while you can
folks. Because only the Tennessee Titans
would be stupid enough to hire Ol’ Corpse, after this latest indefensible
season of coaching.
Also, the Eagles sorta, kinda remind me of the 2010 Chiefs
at this point. A shocking 3-0 thanks to
a stunning home upset of an (allegedly) superior opponent. Then an early Week Four bye. Then two straight winnable roadies, followed
by an intriguing inter-divisional matchup at home. (My way of saying – who would have thunk
Packers at Eagles the final Monday night in November, might have gigantic
playoff ramifications?)
* Redskins (+4) 31, at Ravens 21. My favorite game as a fan on the board this
week. This matchup is fascinating. I think the Redskins have underachieved and
are putting it together. I think the
Ravens are the biggest overachievers so far in the league. We’ll learn a lot about both teams come
3:30pm CT on Sunday.
* at Vikings 24, Texans (+7) 21. This line is way too high. Although man, what a storyline is being set
up in the AFC South – if the Colts hold serve at home, and the Texans lose as
expected, then Indy at Houston next Sunday night is for the division lead.
* at Rams 21, Bills (+3) 20.
Toughest game on the board to predict.
I wish to God this had an extra half point either way; this feels like a
last second field goal finish, 10 hours out.
* “Shane” Falcons (+6) 38, at satan’s squad 27. There is no way in hell this donkeys team is
this good. I mean, should be we
congratulating these asshats on barely beating a 1-3 Panthers squad, struggling
against a 1-3 Colts squad, showing up against a .500 Bengals squad, and blowing
out a 1-3, L3 Bucs squad whose QB and head coach are openly verbally brawling
on the sidelines? Jesus, I hate the
denver broncos, I hate each and every one of their worthless piece of sh*t fans
… and really, what else needs to be said?
They’re satan’s squad for Christ’s sake!
I! Hate! The! denver! broncos!
* at raiders (-4) 41, “Super” Chargers 20. “Fat” Andy gets two weeks, to prepare for one
hell of a (coach don fambrough voice) showdown, throwdown, hoedown, in the
Black Hole next Sunday afternoon. I have
a feeling next week’s gameplan, will look a lot better than last week’s.
* at Cowboys (+1 ½) 31, Bengals 13. How in God’s name is Cincinnati favored? In Dallas?
What has any sane, rational handicapper seen to make them think the Bengals
are better, on the road, in this contest?
* at Packers (-7) 31, Giants 14. Raise your hand if you’re watching this
instead of the debate tonight.
(Pause). You’re damned right my
hand isn’t raised. If Round One drew 84
million viewers, I cannot wait to see what Round Two will draw. Especially since Round Two involves Secretary
Clinton having to constantly get up and down out of an elevated chair for
ninety minutes (the dirty little “oh sh*t!” panic that every single one of us
Clintonistas is thinking right now, 10 some odd hours out).
* at Panthers 13, Bucs (+7) 10. Guess based on the assumption Cam Newton won’t
play due to (al michaels voice) a concussion.
If Cam does play, Carolina will easily cover. If it’s Derek Anderson, they’ll barely win.
Note: I’m skipping “The Fab Five”, “Inside Mixology”, “The “Klassy”
Kevin Keitzman Tweet O’ The Week”, “The Tailgating Plans”, and “The Watching
Party Plans” portions of these prepared remarks, since this is the Chiefs bye
week, and few if any of those things apply.
* The Jets Best Guess Prognostication:
Well, this is it.
(This is it!)
This is life! The one
you have! So go and have a ball!
Yeah, this game looks so horrific on paper, that I am
seriously two-thirds of the way tempted, to go “there”. To invoke a status on this game, I tremble in
terror to invoke on any game.
My 1B team is 1-3, and looks worse every week. The Steelers are coming off demolishing my 1A
team so thoroughly, that the Chiefs not only were used as the Steelers own
personal urinal, we were used as a f*cking pre-used condom, we were so
thoroughly stuffed and mounted on Sunday night.
Either the Jets are this sh*tty, the Steelers are this real
and spectacular … or the truth lies somewhere in between.
I’ll let my prediction speak, for which of those three, I
believe the most in. And no, it ain’t “the
Steelers are this real, and this spectacular”.
* at Steelers (-7) 45, Jets 3.
* The Chiefs Bye Week Thought(s):
And yet …
* Week Ten 2015. The
Chiefs roll into denver coming off their bye week at 3-5. The donkeys opened the season 7-0, including
an epic comeback win at Arrowhead that for all intents and purposes ultimately
decided the AFC Champion last season, and have just suffered their first
defeat, falling in stunning fashion in Indianapolis.
Result? Chiefs race
out to a 29-0 lead, see satan manning benched with a 0 QB rating after throwing
4 INTs, and win comfortably, to jumpstart the run to the postseason … while the
donkeys survive six weeks of (al michaels voice) brock, and win the Super Bowl.
* Week Four 2014. The
Chiefs kick off arguably the greatest forty eight hours in Truman Sports
Complex history, absolutely de-pantsing the Patriots 44-14 on Monday Night
Football, a mere day before the Royals delivered the single greatest sporting
event I’ve ever been privileged enough to attend into our lives.
And …
* Week Eleven 2014.
The Chiefs throttle the defending Super Bowl champion Seattle Seahawks,
running up over 200 yards of offense in a game in which I literally set myself on fire (with excitement or drunken stupidity, your call).
Result? Those two
outcomes help the Chiefs rally from 0-2 to 7-3 … before closing 2-4, to miss
the playoffs on tiebreakers at 9-7. Your
two Super Bowl teams in 2014? New
England … and Seattle.
Three times in the last two years, the Chiefs have blown out
a Super Bowl participant in the regular season.
(We did not face Carolina the past two seasons, the only one of the last
four Super Bowl participants, the Chiefs have not faced.)
One game? Does not a
season make. (Unless that game is the
Super Bowl, of course. And even then, I’d
argue it doesn’t make the season, it simply ends it.)
Overreacting to one game?
Is stupid. It’s so stupid, in
fact, that I can only think of one person, and one person only, who would so
overreact to one game, that he (or she) would completely revise everything they
think about the 2016 NFL season, because of that one game.
Chiefs fans? Don’t
make the same mistake I did. Don’t
overreact to one game.
Teams that “Fat” Andy Reid have coached, have opened 2-2 six
times before. Here is how those seasons
ended (stats courtesy Wikipedia; the fun fact that led to this research
courtesy Twitter):
* 2000 Eagles: 11-5, NFC Wildcard, L Division Round (Giants
10-20).
* 2001 Eagles: 11-5, NFC East Champs, L NFC Championship
(Rams 24-29).
* 2003 Eagles: 12-4, NFC East Champs, L NFC Championship
(Panthers 3-14).
(Note: the 2003 Eagles actually opened 0-2, before closing
12-2.)
* 2008 Eagles: 9-6-1, NFC Wildcard, L NFC Championship
(Cardinals 25-32).
* 2010 Eagles: 10-6, NFC East Champs, L NFC Wildcard Round
(Packers 16-21).
And …
* 2014 Chiefs: 9-7, did not quality for postseason.
Based on past history, this Chiefs team floor is now 9-7,
missing the playoffs on tiebreakers.
Which makes sense – when you look at the remaining twelve games, I can
see seven wins in there based solely on talent on the Chiefs roster versus the
opponents’ roster, as well as venue of play: Saints, Colts, Jaguars, Bucs,
raiders (at Arrowhead), Titans, Chargers.
I can also see three toss-ups, based on talent and/or location: raiders
(at oakland), Falcons, broncos (at Arrowhead on Christmas Night).
That leaves two games left the Chiefs will be decided dogs
on paper: at Carolina, at denver.
The Chiefs throttled the donkeys in denver last season,
should have beaten them at Arrowhead last season, and Carolina is reeling at
1-3 and sinking fast, so I ask the Captain Oats in the room: is a game there in four weeks really supposed to be
written off as a loss a month off?
In my preseason predictions, I had the Chiefs going 12-4,
losing at Pittsburgh, vs Jacksonville, at Carolina, and at Atlanta. The loss at Pittsburgh happened. Swap the predicted loss to Jacksonville, for
the actual loss at Houston. I’m not
optimistic about the roadie in Carolina, so leave that one intact. And flip which game on the road trip in late
November / early December we lose: lose at denver (since I’m going, it’s all
but assured we’ll lose), and beat Atlanta (who is not as good as they’ve
looked; they’re the 2002 Chiefs folks).
Even if the Chiefs lose next week? That’s 11-5, and I’ll take my chances on the
road at Houston or Baltimore to open the postseason, with a shot at denver or
New England next.
Exact same as last year.
Exact same as nearly every damned year, “Fat” Andy Reid opens 2-2.
Come to think of it?
Damned near exact same as nearly every damned year?
“Fat” Andy Reid?
Is your team’s head coach – ten plus wins, a wildcard
victory, and roll the dice in the divisional round, winning the roll about 50%
of the time, to reach a conference championship game.
Is that really so awful?
I say not only no, but hell to the mo’ fo’ no!
Chiefs fans? It’s
going to be ok. “Fat” Andy will find a
way to still have the Chiefs relevant, come the three game homestand in
December that will propel this team into either another trip to Houston,
another trip to Indy, or a return engagement in Pittsburgh, as a worst case
scenario, the second weekend in January.
Enjoy the bye week.
Don’t panic. Instead, do the
opposite. Spend time with your
family. Hang out with your friends. Build a Lego set with your son, or have a
lovely afternoon tea with your daughter and her dolls. (Or flip who you have the Lego cession and
the tea and crumpets with if you have to; you and your kids are exactly who God Himself made
you to be. Never apologize for the perfection that is you!)
Have a beer with someone you haven’t seen in a while. Forgive someone who’s hurt you; apologize to
someone you’ve hurt. Get up off the
couch and take a walk – you can’t ask for a more perfect weekend here in Kansas
City at least (70 and sunny both days).
This bye week? Focus
on what counts in life. Because I
guaran-damn-tee you – how you react to one meaningless Sunday Night game to
open October?
Is not something God is going to ask you to account for,
when your time to face Him, arrives in the afterlife.
Just breathe. It’s
going to be ok. And even if it’s
not? It’s just football. We’ll survive.
(Pause).
Yeah, I know – 29 year old Stevo is shaking his head in
abject “what the f*ck did I just type?!?!?!?!” shock and stunned disbelief. Hey, you stand less than 90 days away from
turning 40, and tell me if your perspective changes any …
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Note: I am putting my own advice above, into action this
week. I leave for Sioux Falls either
Thursday or Friday, to spend the weekend with my friends I consider to be
family up there, for the Chiefs roadie to oakland. (I suppose this is where I should note, they
all always come down for the raiders game here; we always go up there, for the raiders roadie.
It’s tradition.) Also, my bowling
league begins on Wednesday night, and I cannot wait to see the teammates that
are beyond family, as well as so many great friends, that are a part of that
league, for the first time in a few months.
My way of saying, the Picks Post may be even sh*ttier next
week, than this week’s was. It all
depends on work obligations, and travel plans.
In any event, this is going to be one fun week. It might even lead to one fun recap …
