“Houston!
Houston means that I’m
One day closer to you!
Aw honey – Houston?
Houston means the last day of the tour,
And we’re through!
Well honey?
You and God in heaven above
Know I love what I do!
Aw but Houston?
Houston means that I’m
One day closer to you!!! …”
-- “Houston” by the Gatlin Brothers.
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Last Week SU: 11-5-0.
Season to Date SU: 45-18-0. (wadsworth voice) This is getting serious.
Last Week ATS: 12-4-0.
Season to Date ATS: 44-18-1. (wadsworth voice) Really serious.
Last Week “Screw You Pete King” Upset / Week: bango!
Season to Date “Screw You Pete King” Upset / Week: 3-1-0 both SU and ATS.
This Week’s “Screw You Pete King” Upset / Week: it's in either the Jets or Chiefs section of these (p*ss poorly) prepared comments. (damien voice) No! No! You are not allowed to pick a close Chiefs wi ... oh. Oh sh*t. We're favored aren't we? It'd better be the Jets Stevo! It'd better be the Jets!!!! ...
The Non-Jets, Non-Chiefs Predictions:
* Byes: “Shane” Falcons, Redskins, Saints, those people. At least two of these squads will still be playing come January 1st. Emphasis on “at least”.
* My pick Thursday night was Patriots 27, at Bucs (+5 ½) 24.
* at Colts (-1) 20, 49ers 3. There is a damned decent chance that your Indianapolis Colts (because they sure as hell aren’t mine) will be in a four way tie for first in the AFC South at 2-3 come 11pm Sunday night. That division is the gift that will never stop giving. Also, “ALF Game O’ The Week” honors.
* at Steelers 27, Jaguars (+8) 20. In Blake Bortles defense, if I had been coached my entire career by George O’Leary, Gus Bradley and Doug Marrone, I’d be accused of having a drinking problem too. (Pause). What? (Pause). Well I know I’ve been accused of that, but at least Mr. Bortles has an excuse for his abuse of the sauce!
* “Super” Chargers (+3) 31, at Giants 13. If you thought last week’s Sunday Nighter was eight layers of sh*ttacular, just wait until next week’s. Giants at those people. Yo, NBC? Unless CBS has protected it? Flex Steelers at Chiefs into the slot. You won’t regret that decision. Also, “Webster Game O’ The Week” honors. Yeah, as awful as a battle of two 0-4 squads is? It’s at worst the third worst game in the noon CT time slot Sunday. Hideous.
* at Dolphins (+3) 24, Titans 10. Cassel! Cutler! Titans! Dolphins! Catalon! Lofton! ONLY … CBS!!!! Also, “Empty Nest Game O’ The Week” honors.
* at Eagles (-6) 45, “Super” Cardinals 6. Thank God we’re done with Philly and Washington. Those two squads are only going to keep getting better as this season goes along.
* at Lions (-2) 34, Panthers 24. I am so pumped FOX 4 is carrying this one for us here in Kansas City. There’s still plenty o’ room aboard the Lions bandwagon. I’ll even cede the wheel to you!
* at Bengals (-3) 28, Bills 24. Toughest game on the board to pick, save for the Sunday nighter. The Bengals need it more. I think they get it.
* Seahawks (+1) 23, at Rams 17. Wayne Allyn Root Contrarian Game O’ The Week. When every man and his drunk third uncle leans one way, bet the other.
* at raiders (-2 ½) 6, Ravens 0. You betting on Joe Flacco on the road? ‘Cause I’m not.
* at Cowboys (-2) 38, Packers 35. This should be spectacular.
* at Bears (+3) 7, Vikings 3. Jesus, this … this is just horrible. “Designing Women Game O’ The Week” honors.
The “Klassy” Kevin Keitzman Tweet O’ The Week:
Sadly, Ol' Klassy still hasn't posted anything worth ripping. This is at least three weeks now. Come on "K"KK, come unhinged! I do it at least once a week on Twitter! It's not that difficult to do!
The Tailgating Plans:
There are no The Tailgating Plans this week, as this is sadly, tragically, and unavoidably, a road game I will not be attending. This is the first Chiefs game that counts inside the state of Texas I have missed since 2005. I guess I’ll just have to drown my regrets over missing this in a case of Shiner Bock.
The Watching Party Plans:
The weather looks great, so we’ll be on The Deck. I have no idea what the menu is, but the beer will be cold, the food will be good, and I’ll probably have at least three apoplectic meltdowns watching Deshaun Watson do Deshaun Watson things. Looking forward to it!
The 2 Legit 2 Colquitt League Picks:
Last Week SU: 4-2-0.
Season to Date SU: 11-13-0.
We’re at the one third of the regular season point for all intents and purposes, and at this point, eight of the twelve squads are .500 or better … yet nobody is unbeaten. So before this week’s picks, let’s pound out the 2L2C Power Poll 1.0!
1. B*tch Kitties (3-1-0, T1 Mangino). Our defending champion continues to make us all her b*tch.
2. Salty Bananas (3-1-0, T1 Fambrough). I guess this banana isn’t “ripe enough” to be peppery?
3. GO BIG RED (3-1-0, T1 Mangino). Because of course a seven year old is in first place.
4. Banana Hammocks (3-1-0, T1 Fambrough). A banana that lays down on the job, is not a fun banana.
5. Patrick is Mahomes (3-1-0, T1 Mangino). Trust me: naming something after your “homie”, never ends well. #stevossitenumerouno
6. Angry Beavers (2-2-0, T3 Fambrough). Are they angry because Mr. Trump grabbed them or ignored them?
7. team tito (2-2-0, T3 Fambrough). As mediocre on the fantasy field, as a frosty cold Coors Light tastes.
8. Orinoco Flow N My Pantalones (2-2-0. 4 Mangino). I’d pay good money to watch Mark Mangino eat Don Chilito’s. Damned good money.
9. Jasson’s Occiffers (1-3-0, 5 Mangino). Their performance so far is (“the judge” bill pidto voice) penal in nature.
10. Mike Ditka in your mouth (1-3-0, T5 Fambrough). Everyone has to finish somewhere, I suppose.
11. Focus and Finish (1-3-0. T5 Fambrough). (linda richman voice) I’ll give you a topic. This team can neither focus, nor finish. Discuss!
12. JYD’s Huskerbugeaters (0-4-0, 6 Mangino). Are we sure Mike Riley isn’t running this team?
As for the picks:
* Mike Ditka in your mouth (Vince) over Focus and Finish (Chane). Seems right.
* Salty Bananas (“bts”) over Banana Hammocks (Will). Winner sits on top of Fambrough entering cross-divisional play. Or winner sits below. Or on the side. Or wherever their banana desires to be. We don’t judge on this site.
* JYD’s Huskerbugeaters (Ross) over Orinoco Flow N My Pantalones (Potter). It’s must win time for the five time champs. They’ll find a way to gut one out.
* Patrick is Mahomes (“Reputable National Sports Columnist”) over B*tch Kitties (Cooksey). A possible Cayman Cup preview.
* GO BIG RED (Gordon / Garrett) over Jasson’s Occiffers (Jasson). When’s the last time GO BIG RED won four games in a season? Let alone in five weeks?
* team tito (stevo) over Angry Beavers (“The Voice of Reason”). (fidelity ad guy voice) Why not?
“Disreputable Mexican Food Truck” Update:
It’s still missing, as Broadway is still under reconstruction. Hopefully it gets back soon; as much as I love me a chicken salad sandwich from the deli next door, not even I can eat it five days in a row for more than three weeks at a time.
The Jets Best Guess:
The Jets are one victory away from ensuring next week’s Massacre at the (Fake) Meadowlands is a probable battle for first place. Don’t screw this up, Gang Green. Even the Mangenius managed to beat the Browns. Sh*t, even last year, you managed to beat the Browns, guys.
* Jets (+1) 16, at Browns 7. The "Screw You Pete King" Upset O' The Week.
And absolutely -- "Good Times Game O' The Week" honors.
The Chiefs Prognostication:
Let me open up front by noting, that if NBC insists on showing the National Anthem on Sunday night, that I hope they also show the performance immediately before the National Anthem, when the Eli Young Band performs “Deep In The Heart of Texas”. As someone who’s witnessed it three times in the last two years, trust me – it’s awesome.
Having noted that … this game terrifies me. The Chiefs at a bare minimum are down 40% of the offensive line – LDT and Mitch Morse have been ruled out. Eric Fisher is playing hurt. Parker Ehinger is hoping to make his first appearance of the season. Call me crazy, but when you’re throwing together a makeshift line to block JJ Watt, Jadeveon Clowney, and the rest of that front seven, that’s not a good thing.
And as if that isn't bad enough, have y'all watched Deshaun Watson the last few weeks? I have. He terrifies me. I don't care who you are, you don't drop 57 on the Tennessee Titans unless you know what the hell you're doing. You don't go into Foxboro and are a 4th down stop away from winning, unless you know what the hell you're doing. You don't win your debut -- on a short week, in prime time, against a decent Bengals squad, on the road -- unless you know what the hell you're doing.
As I've noted many times, I wish I could be there for this one. I hate missing Chiefs games in my adopted home state.
And yet ... part of me is glad, I won't be there.
Because I don't want to see Houston in a state of (stewie griffin voice) roo-een. I love, care, and believe in that incredible city too much, to want to see it as anything other than what I always have known it to be.
If only because I've already witnessed this week what something you love(d), care(d) about, and believe(d) in, lying in a state of utter and total f*cking (stewie griffin voice) roo-een, looks like.
And it doesn't look good, for any of the parties involved.
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I think this is going to be a shootout, unlike previous Chiefs / Texans games. (They've played four times in the last four years; the Chiefs are 3-1, and your scores are 17-16, 27-20, 30-0 (the Wild Card Game), and 12-19.) I think both teams are going to have no issues moving the ball. I think it's going to be a replay of the second half of Monday Night, when between the Chiefs and Redskins, only one drive ended with anything other than points. (The Redskins punted once, early in the 3rd Quarter. Other than that, the Chiefs scored on all four of their drives, plus the final defensive touchdown; the 'Skins scored on the other three of theirs.)
I am geeked for this game. I think this is going to be something ... hang on.
For one last time, ladies and gentlemen, the great, the legendary, Mr. Hugh M. Hefner.
(mr. hugh m. hefner voice) This is going to be something ... REALLY special!
And it's going to bring the Chiefs one day closer, to where they are destined to be, come January 22nd, at approximately 5:42pm CT -- taking a knee, on the sacred turf of Terrorhead, to finally bring Lamar's Trophy home, and turn the Sports Complex into Lake Arrowhead due to all the tears that are going to be shed.
* Chiefs (-1) 41, at Texans 38.
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