ding! dong! the b*tch is gone!

(8:20ish last night)
(steve) (tuned into "big brother 11")
(chima) (told to report to diary room)
(chima) (p*ssed off, but does as told)
(chima) (walks into diary room)
(producers) don't even bother to sit down, please, out this door ...

And with that, my summer was made.

Its not been a great summer. I've been in a b*tch fest with one of my best friends for a while, although I think we've finally reached (big word here) detente at least. At least if the last few weeks mean anything.

I've moved when I really didn't want to. I broke up with a awesome girl because I just viewed her as a friend, rather than something more. (Thankfully, for now at least, that's held). I'm in a job I hate, with a loyal surrounding of co-workers that seems to dwindle by the week in an effort to "stay within the budget plan".

Oh, and it hasn't hit 100 here in KC since I was on vacation 8 freaking weeks ago. Hell, as I type this, its 70 and pouring down rain. Same as its been for pretty much every day this month.

And to cap it off ... I ran my iPod through the washer tonight. So I have to go drop a solid $100 to replace it tomorrow and, well, I don't really have $100 to spare. Just effing great.

But last night ... was effing great. It was beyond effing great.

It was the best television show I've tuned in for this year, save for Family Guy's "I Dream of Jesus" episode. Nothing even "Lost" or "American Idol" could rival this.

The single most annoying contestant in "Big Brother" history, the hideous Chima, was forcibly removed from the BB House on last night's broadcast by the show's producers.

I honestly thought last Thursday would be the Episode of All Time. Chima, as Head of Household, threatening physical violence if whoever held the Coup d'Etat used the power to overturn her eviction nominations. In the interest of full disclosure, I am rooting for Russell to win. So I wanted Jeff to use it to save him.

The producers were so concerned that the normally "live" Thursday show (most of it is live, anyways), was moved up four hours so it could be taped and edited. Jeff, thankfully, used the Coup and overturned the house, knocking the arrogant as sh*t Jessie to the curb.

And leaving three pathetic "strong willed women" and a somewhat rational gay guy to collect the pieces. Chima, in true Chima style, acted like a spoiled brat, whining to anyone and everyone, which only served to reinforce every negative black stereotype you can think of.

"Strong willed black woman"? Are you kidding me? She spent two days screaming, throwing temper tantrums, b*tching out her fellow houseguests, screaming how she'd been screwed (which makes no sense: no self-respecting man would tap that, even for cash considerations).

And then finally the capper: standing on the putting green, practing for the PoV that became HoH Competition ... she tossed the mic a solid 30 feet straight into the hot tub. Destroying equipment.

Goodbye beyatch! I could only think of one thing when the BB producers showed her the side door last night:

(carl peterson) how ya feeling Gun?
(gunther cunningham) how do I look standing here in front of you now?
(carl, condescending as only he can do) Confident. and Classy.

Classy. A word that will never be associated with Chima Simone. The single most annoying contestant in Big Brother history. A woman who claims she was raped (again, I go back to that self-respecting man thought from earlier), but given how much she lied, you have to question it. A woman with lips that Lisa Rinna can only dream of paying for. A woman with more ... what, exactly? sweat? acne like substance? oil? Seriously, her face needed to be scrubbed 24/7. And even then, it would look worse than Joan Van Ark's or Kate Jackson's currently does.

(In case that's too dated for you, readers, search them on TMZ's "Memba Them" feature. You'll see what I mean. Although Kate Jackson is still pretty decent).

There were other great moments last night. Lydia's drunken rampage to close the show. Russ asking her "why are you slurring your words", as she just kept slurring even worse, a great moment. Hell, the entire house laughed at Lydia at that point, even Kevin and Natalie realized how ridiculous she was.

Jeff telling her "don't worry, you're staying put" when Lydia begged to be evicted. Jeff's AWESOME "OK Mrs. Roper. Stay Classy" comment to Lydia's outburst after the HoH. Seriously, Jeff is just awesome. He's almost as cool to me as Memphis last year. (I so need a fedora still). Jeff just rolls with whatever comes his way, then throws out the most awesome verbal shoutdowns imaginable.

(Again, for my younger readers, watch a first season episode of "Three's Company", and watch Mrs. Roper in action. She = Lydia, or Natalie, or Chima, post-Jessie's eviction, to a T. "Strong independent women" who fold like someone with a pai gow facing five aces the second their "man" walks out of the room).

Russ verbally b*tch slapping Natalie at the HoH eviction table. Good stuff. Kevin, of all people, being the voice of reason. (I'm really starting to root for this guy. A final two of some combination of Jeff, Kevin, and Russell, I'd actually be cool with. And please, spare me the "what? Jordan is so hot! How can you not root for her!" blasts. Yes, she is hot. Yes, she springs me. No, she is NOT a good player. And should not last past final four. Kevin, Jeff and Russell have played the game the best. That should count for something. But please, Jordan. Feel free to contact the great Mr. Hugh M. Hefner ANYTIME you feel like it ...)

But best of all, after last night ... Chima is out of our lives. Off our our televisions. This, to quote Ben Kingsley's character Yitshak Stern in "Schindler's List", this ... this eviction is an absolute good.

Just like the previous "most annoying Big Brother contestant ever", the "bikini barista" from two years ago, Natalie, pining for her "Matty". Forming "Team Jesus", yet going down on Matty on night one. Because I'm sure Jesus loves his team giving head to random strangers. Steve might like it. Hell, Steve might be dreaming of it happening with the next hot blonde he sees in a bar. But I'm pretty sure Jesus might frown on that. Plus, for a "bikini barista", which basically means she serves coffee in a topless bar ... she just did NOTHING for the, uuh, male anatomy. Or at least mine. Not attractive. Not even a little bit, not even for a moment, not even at all.

I was so glad to see Natalie go back then. But congratulations, Chima. You've passed her in my "most hated Big Brother Contestant-o-Meter". Now please, (gregg and steve's old front porch mat) GO AWAY!

all i can do is recycle those three magical words ...

"Second f*cking Base!" -- Reggie Jackson, responding to a reporter who asked where his third home run (on three pitches) landed, 1977 World Series.

--------------------

Its always been my favorite quote in sports.

"Second f*cking base".

Its so neat. For starters, you get the gratuitous use of the f bomb for no obvious reason, and that's always special.

But its more than that. Its not just acknowledging something sweet that has occurred (like a home run bouncing back so far because of the force it hit the facade with in the outfield, that it landed back in the infield).

Its acknowledging something ... utterly incredible. Something that, if you're lucky, you witness at least once in your lifetime.

(Like me getting laid, for example. (dusty voice) ha! Good one Steve!)

Anyways. "Second f*cking base". Its how I felt this afternoon, laying on the couch, suffering through day three of "Barf Watch 2009", when the news came across the ESPN ticker that the Chiefs had hired Scott Pioli as their new GM.

This was more than a solid personnel hire. This was more than swinging for the fences, connecting on a 98 mph fastball, and clearing the bases.

This was ... this was "second f*cking base".

Chiefs fans, we can emerge from our long, dark depression. The era of trying to bring "Lamar's Trophy home" is over! Let's repeat that, together. The era of trying to bring "Lamar's Trophy home" is OVER!!! Its deader than Republican hopes of stopping the Obama agenda!

No longer is aiming for second place good enough in the eyes of our front office, or of our owner! With one hire, one simple personnel move, Clark Hunt announced to the nation that simply winning his dad's trophy isn't enough.

He wants Vince's trophy. And I don't mean McMahon.

Consider just the last ten years of Mr. Pioli's employment (1999-2000 Ravens; 2001-2008 Patriots). And tell me this isn't the single greatest personnel decision in franchise history (on paper) ...

* 0 Losing Seasons -- the worst a team he was affiliated with finished was 8-8 in 1999. By contrast, the Chiefs have had 5 losing seasons in that stretch (2000, 2001, 2004, 2007, 2008).

* 7 Playoff Berths -- all but 1999 (8-8, one game out), 2002 (9-7, lost division and wildcard on tiebreakers), and 2008 (lost division and wildcard on tiebreakers). By contrast, the Chiefs have two playoff berths (2003, 2006), and one year missing out on tiebreakers (1999) in that stretch.

* 6 Division Titles -- only the 2000 Ravens squad that got in on his watch, failed to win its division. All 6 Patriots teams that reached the playoffs, won the AFC East. By contrast, the Chiefs won one division title in the last 10 years (2003).

* 5 AFC Championships. Lamar's Trophy? Been there, done that for Mr. Pioli, five times in the last nine years (2000 w/ Ravens; 2001, 2003, 2004, 2007 w/ Patriots). The Chiefs have never even played for Lamar's Trophy in the last decade ... and a half.

* 4 Super Bowl Championships. Only the 2007 Patriots failed to win of the Pioli teams that reached the sport's ultimate stage ... and they entered that game 19-0. The Chiefs ... yeah, we know.

"Second f*cking base"? We not only hit it today with this hire, we shattered it. We beat that white piece of pillow in the middle of the dirt like Ike Turner beat Tina, like OJ beat Nicole, like Gregg beat(s) me at NCAA on the Playstation. Beaten like the government mule the Reverend Sharpton is still looking for.

Today, the Chiefs were the center of the NFL universe. For a reason other than losing 23 of 25, other than employing a head coach who actually used two timeouts on the same challenge (vs oakland last year). For a reason other than being the worst team in the AFC.

Today, we mattered again. Today, this team, our team, actually was relevant again.

I guarantee you, it won't be the last time under Scott Pioli that the nation noticed the Red and Gold.

"Second f*cking base". God bless it! Holy crap, it feels good to say that phrase and know its my team that hit the bag ...