... where 2015 is going to be a year to remember for the rest of our lives, and 2020 is off to one helluva start ... and our thursday night pick is "super" cardinals (+3) 28, at seahawks 24 ...
Sorry I didn't have time to do these right. Work is crazy right now for me. Hopefully my full season picks go up over the next few days, and Week Two Picks are back to the normal novel-sized effort they strive to be.
* my Thursday Night pick was at Chiefs (-9) 41, Texans 34.
* at Patriots 23, Dolphins (+6 1/2) 17.
* at Ravens 24, Browns (+8 1/2) 17.
* at Bills (-6 1/2) 27, Jets 17.
* raiders (-3) 24, at Panthers 20.
* Seahawks (-2) 31, at "Shane" Falcons 13.
* Eagles (-6) 31, Redskins 21.
* at Lions 23, Bears (+3) 21.
* Colts 17, at Jaguars (+8) 10.
* at Vikings (-2 1/2) 24, Packers 20.
* at Bengals (+3) 31, "Super" Chargers 13.
* at 49ers (-7) 28, "Super" Cardinals 20.
* Bucs (+3 1/2) 34, at Saints 27.Upset O' The Week.
"I remember when you said your father's asleep.
I remember swimming as our clothes drifted off to sea.
So wake up, wake up dreaming, and lie here with me.
Wake up, wake up dreaming, and lie here with me.
Here we go!
Just lose control and let your body give in
To the beat of your heart,
As my hand touches your skin --
Is this love, or just sexual desire?
We gotta start a fire! ...
I remember drinking as the stars were falling.
I remember dancing on the hotel's unmade bed.
So wake up, wake up dreaming, and lie here with me.
Wake up, wake up dreaming, and lie here with me!
Here we go!
Just lose control and let your body give in
To the beat of your heart,
As my hand touches your skin --
Is this love? Or just sexual desire?
We gotta start a fire! ..."
The latest, greatest, most hyped Chiefs season of my lifetime.
(For the record, I will turn 43 on Wild Card Weekend this season. I know, I know -- how can someone as hot as me, be about to turn 43?)
And in my 42 years on this planet so far -- 33 of them as a known Chiefs fan -- I can only think of four seasons that were more hyped entering the opener, than 2019 is.
1994. 1996. 1998. and 2004.
Each of them were hyped for good reason. The 1993 Chiefs won the division for the first time in twenty plus years, and made the AFC Title Game for the first time since 1969. The 1995 Chiefs went 13-3 and had home field advantage throughout the playoffs. Ditto the 1997 Chiefs. The 2003 Chiefs also went 13-3, but only earned the two seed (because, you know, #patriots).
Chiefs fans? If we're guilty of one thing ... well, we're guilty of many things. But if we're definitely guilty of one thing, it is of having a very, very, very long memory.
1994? After a 3-0 start, the Chiefs tumbled to 7-7, before rallying to take the last two and earn a wild card berth, before losing said wild card game at Miami 17-27. Also, the AFC West Champion San Diego "Super" Chargers made the Super Bowl. Ouch.
1996? After a 4-0 start, and getting to 9-4, the Chiefs lost their last three, to miss the playoffs at 9-7 after Morten Anderson missed a 20 yard attempt in Jacksonville. Which in hindsight, I can live with: the Chiefs would have been throttled in Buffalo to open the postseason ... whereas the Jags upset the Bills, then beat the AFC West Champion those people at Real Mile High in the Divisional Round.
1998? After a 4-1 start, the Chiefs lost six straight, finished 7-9, the locker room imploded, Marty quit, and off all the indignities suffered, those people cheated their way to a second straight Lombardi Trophy.
2004? After an 0-3 start, the Chiefs rallied to 3-4 entering what should have been a gimme two game road trip against two god-awful NFC South squads. Instead, the Chiefs lost four straight, finished 7-9, and the worst NFL season of my life (to say nothing of arguably the worst year of my life), ended spectacularly awfully.
And now, here we sit, the most anticipated year in fifteen years upon us. The fifth time in my lifetime the Chiefs are a popular pick -- if not a heavy favorite -- to finally bring Lamar's Trophy home, and take a shot at that Lombardi dude's silver.
--------------------
Only this time, it feels different, right?
Because of one person.
Patrick Lavon Mahomes II.
1994, the Chiefs got the last gasp of Joe Montana, who retired after the season. 1996 the Chiefs got Steve Bono * . 1998 the Chiefs got Elvis Grbac and Dick Gannon. 2004 the Chiefs got Trent Green.
None of those gentlemen was a disgrace to the QB position. But none of them was Patrick Mahomes "Of The Chiefs" either.
--------------------
(*: Bono's record as a starter in KC? 21-10 (68%), 594/1075 (55%), 6,489 yards (209 yards/gm), 37 TDs, 27 INTs. Those are damned good numbers for the mid 1990s. Also -- 21-10, and really that's not fair, it should be 21-8, since he was 0-2 as Mr. Montana's backup in 1994. Either way, he won 2 out of every 3 games he started here. Yet he was benched, despite the 1996 Chiefs standing at 8-4 at the time of his benching. You won't find a bigger defender of Mr. Bono than me.)
(damien voice) oh no. Oh f*ck no! You're not allowe --
(stevo voice) (sighing in disgust) I'm sorry.
I have a really, really, really bad feeling about this one.
The Week One Upset O' The Week.
* at Jaguars (+4 1/2) 28, Chiefs 24.
Remember though -- it's just one week. And as noted in the Coaches Power Poll, I believe "Fat" Andy will get his 200th career win in Week Six. Which means I have us reeling off five straight after this one. (Note: the season picks will be up by Monday. I had to revamp a couple after some of the trades made at the cut deadline last week * cough Seattle cough Houston *.)
Also, if I did the math right, the next post is Post 950. Which means that if I get motivated enough, Post 1,000 is in sight by December. I may be the only one ... but that's something I'm kinda proud of.
So here we go folks, this annual public service from me towards you.
See, I'm amongst the worst sports gamblers you'll ever meet, because I tend to bet with my heart, and not with my head. Hence, I provide you, the gambling public, my straight-up and against-the-spread predictions each week, so you know who not to bet on.
In addition to gambling information, this post usually contains other stuff that matters to me at the time, as well as the Chiefs motivational thoughts and prediction. In years past, there was one section I enjoyed writing more than all the others combined. But given the events here in lovely Kansas City's media market this summer, I'm not sure how I'm going to replace losing that source of humor and stupidity. But I'll try.
Here we go!
The Non-Jets, Non-Chiefs Best Guesses:
* Packers (+3) 34, at Bears 14. I'm way higher on the Packers this year than I should be. That, or I'm still high from the weekend. Either way, I like the Packers here.
* at Vikings (-4) 24, "Shane" Falcons 17. This one could have significant playoff ramifications come December 29th.
* at Eagles (-9) 41, Redskins 10. I have a fantasy football buddy who is a huge Redskins fan. Someone might want to check in with Will multiple times during every 'Skins game this season to check on his physical well-being. Just saying. Also, "Empty Nest Game O' The Week" honors.
* Ravens 25, at Dolphins (+6 1/2) 24. In the schedule run (coming soon!), I actually picked the Dolphins to win this. I'm not buying what John Harbaugh and Lamar Jackson are selling.
* at Browns (-5 1/2) 31, Titans 20. Are we really ready for the Browns to be relevant for the first time since the late 1980's?
* at Panthers (+3) 30, Rams 24. Sneaky good noon game I hope FOX 4 offers here locally. (Checking the FOX 4 programming schedule ...) Hot damn! We do get this one! Woo! Freaking! Hoo!
* at Seahawks (-9 1/2) 41, Bengals 0. They could drive this line into the mid teens and I'd still take Seattle. At home. Against an atrocious Bengals squad. (Which, of course, means the Bengals are winning 20-10.) "ALF Game O' The Week!" honors.
* at "Super" Chargers 23, Colts (+6) 21. One of these two squads is finishing dead last in their division; the other one will enter December squarely in the thick of both their divisional and wild card races.
* 49ers (+1) 27, at Bucs 20. "Good Times Game O' The Week!" honors.
* at "Super" Cardinals (+2 1/2) 23, Lions 13. One of those "I wish it was the late 1990's still" matchups. How awesome (and by "awesome", I mean "tear inducing hysterical"), how awesome would a Vince Tobin / Wayne "Rasputin" Fontes matchup be to open the season? Sh*t, they might make the 007 slapper mode look fun!
* at Cowboys (-7) 41, Giants 3. I don't care if Zeke suits up or not. This is going to be an ass kicking of biblical proportions. Also, how nice of the NFL to give us Giants at Cowboys to open the season for the what, eighth straight year? There are other teams America cares to see NFL. I know that comes as a great shock to you, but most of us would be perfectly cool seeing Saints / Rams here. (Which we get next week!)
* Steelers (+5 1/2) 31, at Patriots 27. The Pats sh*t the bed at home to open the season the last time they won a Super Bowl. Let's hope that trend continues.
* at Saints 31, Texans (+7) 30. This line is patently absurd.
* at raiders (-1) 27, those people 24. As always, a public service reminder: if terrorists strike the whatever the hell it's called nowadays Coliseum during this game, it is not a national tragedy. In fact, quite the opposite -- it is cause for a national celebration.
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For the new, or those who forget easily, there are certain designations a game can receive each week. These designations are handed out because I would rather watch a three hour block of the sh*ttacular sitcom attached to said game, than the game itself. In order from worst game o' the week, to not as worse ...
1. "Good Times". I actually love "Good Times", but it has not aged well. 2. "ALF". The second worst sitcom of all time. The only one worse is so horrific, I only use it ... well, we'll get there in a moment. 3. "Empty Nest". Quick -- if you can name NBC's Saturday night lineup entering the 1990's, I'll let you raid my cooler at the home opener tailgate, so should you choose. (Note: cooler will likely contain vodka, apple juice, and a boat load of Shiner Bock. Pick wisely.) Answer coming momentarily. 4. "Webster". Let's all hope and pray we never have to go this deep.
And finally ...
5. "One Day At A Time". Yup. This is it. (This is it!) This is without question -- (allard baird voice) without question! -- the single sh*ttiest, worst, most god-awful television show of my lifetime! There is nothing else even in contention for that "honor". When this designation gets hauled out, you know somebody done f*cked up and failed epically in creating that week's schedule.
--------------------
Your trivia answer above? "227", "Amen", "Golden Girls", "Empty Nest", "Hunter". And to think people wonder why nobody stays home to watch television on Saturday nights anymore.
--------------------
The "Klassy" Kevin Kietzman Tweet O' The Week:
Well, this was an unexpected (happy) casualty this summer.
For those of you who missed it, the scourge of Kansas City radio, Kaptain Klassy, was fired by 810 WHB in late June for Ol' Kev's stated belief that "Fat" Andy Reid was responsible for the drug overdose that killed his son seven years ago.
Setting aside how incredibly insensitive and stupid "K"KK's comments were ... his refusal to apologize, and play himself as the victim, was even more incredibly insensitive and stupid. To say nothing of self-righteous and hypocritical.
His last tweets (the poor kook hasn't tweeted since right before his removal from all things 810 WHB) reveal just how klueless el kapitan was:
So ... the immediate question becomes, what do I do, with this segment of the post? I mean, I've been savaging El Kapitan No Los Pantalones for six years in this column on a weekly basis! What do you say about someone whose Karma has finally bitten him in his proverbial (if not actual) ass, and seen him kicked to the kurb?
Normally I'd say you kiss him off via a dignified and klassy kareer kongratulations, but there's nothing dignified or klassy about Ol' Kietz. I mean, if he was to appear in a Judgment Ray kommercial to purchase a kar, the screw wouldn't be through him, it'd be in front of him, proudly exposed like ... well, like a kid at heart in a (possible) Kia on a Perfect Village kul-de-sac (or at least kurbside) at the turn of the kentury. (Or is that Kietzery? I swear to Christ -- excuse me, Khrist -- these k jokes write themselves. Because I sure as krap ain't taking kredit for them (rimshot!))
In all seriousness, it is truly sad how Kaptain Konfident and Klassy klosed out his kareer even sketchier than "Kat Piss" Don Fortunato did.
And oh, the blessed irony -- of all people, Soren Petro wound up replacing both "Kat Piss" and "El Kapitan No Los Pantalones", when both kareers came to a krash and burn, at least a decade after each kareer should have.
So going forward, I think there's only one thing to do with this section, and that's simply let any of you who wish to share a favorite "K"KK moment of yours with me, and I'll let you post it unedited, save for font and size. I think Ol' Kev needs a konfidence booster, don't you?
Konsider it done.
Oh -- and until then?
Thanks for the memories, Klassic Kietz. We'll always have you falling back-asswards drunk out of a blackjack chair at Harrah's after the KSU / Iowa game in 2000. (kasey kasem voice) Stevo, here is your request, and long-distance dedication: "Kherish", by Kool and the Gang:
The Tailgating Plans:
There are no The Tailgating Plans, as this is not a game I will be attending.
The Watching Party Plans:
The Watching Party Plans depend upon the weather.
If the current forecast (mid 80's, partly cloudy, not much chance of rain) holds, then we'll be on The Deck, enjoying the afternoon outdoors. If the forecast changes to include mostly rain, then we're headed down to McFadden's to take advantage of their generous gift card offerings for bringing The Bus for the homegate they put on every road game.
If we're on The Deck, I'm on, uuh, deck to cook, which means I'll make the only three things I know how to make semi-competently: jalapeno poppers, taco soup, and (sighing in resigned acceptance) I'll come out of retirement to make jello shots. (Cue "the congregation" cheering.) Because with all due respect, if anyone can make an alcohol-infused item better than me, I'd love to meet them. Because nobody -- and I do mean nobody -- has more experience mixing and matching booze and mixers, than me. At least nobody who reads this site on a regular basis anyways. And given there's about a core readership of 45-50 people based on the stats, I feel confident in saying that.
If we're at McFadden's, have at it. They usually give us $300 to show up; anything our tab amounts to above the amount given, we all split equally. That's the deal. If you all have is a couple wings and a beer, and the tab hits $600, you don't get to flake. You owe your 1/however show up share of the overage. There aren't many things in life I won't tolerate, but an Alan Harper-style cheapskate is definitely on that short list.
Stevo's Cocktail O' The Week:
In the summer, I tend to switch to vodka based libations, and white wine. (What? Both go great with BLT's!)
In the fall, I tend to switch back to a whiskey / bourbon and some mixer.
So today's drink is one last salute to summer ... and I have to blame Amanda for this one.
Truly Black Cherry Hard Seltzer.
Jesus, this stuff is addicting. It's black cherry flavored seltzer that's 5% booze. It gets you appropriately hammered in a pool. (Or The Pool -- your choice.) It's crisp, it's refreshing, it's more potent than most beer sold in a state I grew up in, located less than a mile from where I live (or approximately a mile -- I've never measured the true distance between Madison Avenue and State Line Road). And again -- it's addicting. I can (and have) plowed through a twelve pack in less than three hours, and still been thirsty for more. (Which is about the only negative -- it doesn't exactly get you lit up.)
Still, if you're a weak drinker (aka "not related to me"), or a non-drinker interested in crossing over to the intoxicated side, give this sh*t a try. It isn't half bad.
The Flashback:
"Fat" Andy Reid's first game with the Chiefs was to open the 2013 season ... in Jacksonville. The Chiefs won 28-2, in a game that the Jags scored first via a special teams safety ... and the Jags didn't reach midfield until late in the 4th quarter, let alone cross it.
For the first time since then, the Chiefs return to Jacksonville. (They've hosted the Jags twice since -- a victory in 2016, and a victory last year.) Ironically, Jags QB Nick "Big D*ck" Foles started for the Chiefs in that 2016 victory over the Jaguars.
Still, there's only one Jaguars game worth a Flashback, and that was the season finale in 2006, in which Part IV of the Immaculate Eight-fecta occured: a 35-30 Chiefs victory in the snowy confines of Terrorhead:
So when this section started two years ago, it was an output spawned by my new job down in Midtown. There was this shady, sleazy looking food truck that you'd swear on your newborn kid's life had to be one violation shy of permanent condemnation by the KCMO health department ... only the food was so good, you couldn't stop going to it for lunch 2-3 times a week.
Then this section evolved to things I love(d) about KCMO proper -- and for the uninitiated drunk and/or stoned stumbling onto this site, welcome! I'm one of you! I'm usually both!
But anyways, for the uninitiated, this section evolved last year into my praising and b*tching all things KCMO as they arose. From the endless water main construction on South Broadway last fall, to all the awesome little shops and restaurants that exist along South Broadway. From the (still ongoing!) replacing and rebuilding of 81st Street, to the (just started!) reconstruction of 75th and Wornall due to water main and sewer issues. From the (somewhat fixed!) potholes on Ward Parkway on the drive in, to the (never gonna get done!) remodel of my Price Chopper at 84th and Wornall.
(Note: the rebuild is finally, truly beginning! The old Church's was tore down this weekend, and the two abandoned houses behind the dumpster everyone uses to get around KCMO's two bag limit were tore down too! I swear to God, you leave for like three days, and sh*t finally starts getting done around here!)
So for year three, I'm not sure what it's gonna be, but hopefully each week gives y'all a lil' glimpse into who this self-centered delusional drunken stoned moron is.
And for this week, I give you my Political Compass. (Or, in deference one last time to Klassy Kevin, should it be "Kompass"?) I promise to keep these posts as politic-free as possible going forward ... but I was stunned at how f*cking accurate this test was, at least for me.
Feel free to test it out for yourself -- it costs you nothing other than ten minutes of time you'd probably waste surfing PornHub anyways.
The Jets Prediction:
Who's ready for Season Two with Browning Nagle 2.0!!!!!
(stevo bashing his head against the table.)
When I post my season picks (probably Friday), you'll see I'm not high on Gang Green this year ... although when you look at the non-Jets predictions, you might think I'm high on some, uuh, green, from The Green Solution.
"I believe every lie that I ever told;
I've paid for every heart, that I ever stole.
I played my cards and I didn't fold;
It ain't that hard, when you got soul.
(This is my world!)
Somewhere I heard that life is a test;
I've been through the worst, but still give my best.
God made my mold different from the rest;
Then He broke that mold, so I know I'm blessed.
(This is my world!)
Stand up now and face the sun --
Won't turn my tail, or turn or run.
It's time to do what must be done;
Be a king? When Kingdom comes!
Well you can tell everybody?
Yeah, you can tell everybody?
Go ahead and tell everybody?
I'm the man! I'm the man! I'm the man!
Well you can tell everybody?
Yeah, you can tell everybody?
Go ahead and tell everybody?
I'm the man! I'm the man! I'm the man!
Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am!
I'm the man! I'm the man! I'm the man!
I got all the answers to your questions;
I'll be the teacher, you can be the lesson.
I'll be the preacher, you be the confession;
I'll be the quick relief, to all your stressin'.
(This is my world!)
It's a thin line, between love and hate;
Is you really real, or is you really fake?
I'm a soldier, standing on my feet!
No surrender, and I won't retreat!
(This is my world!)
Stand up now and face the sun!
Won't turn my tail, or turn or run!
It's time to do what must be done!
Be a king? When Kingdom comes!
Well you can tell everybody?
Yeah, you can tell everybody?
Go ahead and tell everybody?
I'm the man! I'm the man! I'm the man!
Well you can tell everybody?
Yeah, you can tell everybody?
Go ahead and tell everybody?
I'm the man! I'm the man! I'm the man!
Yes I am! Yes I am! Yes I am!
I'm the man! I'm the man! I'm the man!
Welcome back fellow football fans! A new season is here! (Fist pumping!!!!!)
As always for Week One, a quick primer on what to expect most weeks in the picks post:
* The Non-Chiefs, Non-Jets Picks are exactly what they sound like: predictions both straight up (SU) and against the spread (ATS) for every game that week not involving the Chiefs or Jets.
However, in a significant change in departure, this year's odds will no longer be pulled from Danny Sheridan via USA Today. Instead, I'll be using CBS SportsLine's consensus odds, as the line I pick against.
* Within this portion of the picks are certain designations, depending on how god awful a matchup is. A quick run-through of the TV shows of yesteryear that will be used this season:
a. as always, the worst game on the board will be designated as the "Good Times Game O' The Week", because any person with an IQ above that of a cardboard table would opt to watch a three hour marathon of "Good Times" over one second of that game.
b. as always, the second worst game on the board will be designated as either the "Gordon Shumway Game O' The Week", or the "ALF Game O' The Week", for the same reason as with (a) above.
c. just like the networks tend to adjust their broadcasting crews due to rising or falling talent, I'm doing the same here this year, and bumping up "Empty Nest Game O' The Week" to the third slot. After accidentally watching back to back episodes of that disgrace to the airwaves this weekend, it's more than earned a bump up.
d. given all the revivals and reboots going on nowadays, it only seems appropriate to haul off the dustbin of history another god awful show that should never in any way, shape or form be remade. So fourth in the rotation is now the "Designing Women Game O' The Week". Let's all hope and pray we never dig this deep; last year we only had to once.
e. and should the need arise -- and God spare us all if it ever does -- to haul out a fifth designation, as always, that designation is reserved for a show so awful, so indefensible, so utterly unwatchable, it was designated over ten years ago as "Stevo's Worst Sitcom of All Time" ... and it still (proudly) holds that honor to this moment.
Yup.
This is it.
(This is it!)
This is life,
The one you get,
So go and have a ball!
Yes, if the Stink-o-Meter for these contests is so wretched it requires us to go five deep in the crappy sitcom rotation, the original "One Day At A Time" * will be used as the designation.
For the record, I don't believe we've had a "One Day At A Time Game O' The Week" in at least three years. Also for the record, I'm too f*cking lazy to confirm that.
Falling out from last season: "Webster Game O' The Week". You won't be missed dude. You will not be missed at all.
(But you'd still opt to watch three hours of "Webster" over a Bucs / Browns matchup?) Absolutely I would, and twice on game day!
* The "Klassy" Kevin Keitzman Tweet O' The Week is exactly what it sounds like: I pick Ol' Klassy's "best" tweet of the week, and analyze it from my perspective.
* The Watching Party Plans are the details for where and how I plan to watch a road Chiefs game I will not be in attendance for. This year it appears there will be at least five of these: your "Super" Chargers (Week One), the Steelers (Week Two), the Patriots (Week Six), the Browns (Week Nine) and the Rams (Week Eleven).
* The Tailgating Plans are the details for where and how my group plans to tailgate a Chiefs game I will be in attendance at. As of now, there are eleven of those: the eight at Arrowhead, plus visits to those people (Week Four), the raiders (Week Thirteen), and the Seahawks (Week Sixteen).
* Stevo's Drink O' The Week is the cocktail fueling my (semi) sane existence over the past seven days.
* Disreputable Mexican Food Truck Update started last year, when I began my new job, and noticed a disreputable looking Mexican food truck across the street from the office. Naturally, given that I'll try anything once, I hit it up on the first day. And I have to admit, they offer amongst the five best tacos I've ever had. It's incredible.
Eventually this segment turned into me riffing on whatever was on my mind that week, especially the weeks when Disreputable Mexican Food Truck had to vacate its (pretty much) permanent spot on Northbound South Broadway (say that four times fast) at 31st when the water main broke last fall. I'm not sure what this segment will be this season ... but anytime you can work in a reference to a shady looking Mexican food truck, you have to do it.
* The Jets Best Guess. My prediction for the Jets game, and any relevant thoughts on Gang Green.
* The Flashback. A look back at a fun (or not so fun) meaningful moment from the past involving the Chiefs opponent for the week. It could be a play on a field; it could be a moment in time that only my friends and fellow tailgaters would understand the important or humor of. (And since "friends and fellow tailgaters" pretty much make up the readership base of this half-baked site, deal with it.)
* The Chiefs Pontification and Prognostication. My prediction for the Chiefs game, and any relevant thoughts. (Note: this is almost always the longest section of the post ... and the reason most people who frequent this site, read this post.)
That's your core each week.
In addition, certain weeks will see other favorites show up, such as:
* The Tale O' The Tape. Seven questions of great significance. Three possible answers. Two viable contenders. Only one unquestioned champion.
* Guest Spots. On occasion friends will reach out with their thoughts and/or responses to my thoughts. These are posted by me unedited, save for formatting to ensure the mobile scroll works properly.
* The Poem. On very special (and extremely rare) occasions, I will dust this one off and revive it. Back in the day (we're talking 1990s and early 2000s here), I used to write a poem every week, that was read aloud as us kids walked around Arrowhead, as the parents got the tailgating spread ready. It's always a treat to find the time to do this. Unfortunately, I rarely do anymore.
* Inside Mixology. I have two tasks at tailgating ... ok, three, if you count kicking everyone's ass at beer pong, cornhole, and/or Drinko. And those tasks are to (a) play bartender and (b) put the musical playlist together. Occasionally something on the drink menu and/or music menu needs explaining. This is where the explaining will occur.
* Finally, some weeks have a running theme attached to them, to liven sh*t up. This is not one of those weeks.
Got it? Good.
Enjoy?
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(*: for the record, I love the hell out of the "One Day At A Time" reboot on Netflix. It's honestly one of my three or four favorite shows still producing episodes, along with "Law and Order: SVU" (spare me; I'm addicted to anything L&O), "Young Sheldon" (which (ducking rotten vegetables) is better than "The Big Bang Theory", and it's not even a close contest), and of course, "You're the Worst" (which is the best "sitcom" television has come up with in decades).
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Since there is no last week stats to recap, here we go.
The Non-Jets, Non-Chiefs Picks.
* at Eagles (-2 1/2) 31, "Shane" Falcons 20. Anytime you're led by a quarterback whose nickname is "Big Dick", I at least respect you. Also, way too many people taking the Falcons and the points for my liking.
* Jaguars (-3) 31, at Giants 3. I'm not buying what Pat Shurmur's selling. (Cue Browns fans nodding in vociferous agreement.)
* at Saints 27, Bucs (+9 1/2) 20. Fitzpatrick is competent enough to cover this line. Also, "ALF Game O' The Week" honors.
* at Patriots 28, Texans (+6) 27. Chiefs fans, you thought us playing three times in thirteen months in Houston a couple years ago was weird? This is the Texans fourth trip to Foxboro in 25 months. Damn. Sucks to be them.
* at Dolphins (+1 1/2) 24, Titans 20. The Titans will get better as the year goes along. A lot better.
* at Browns (+3 1/2) 31, Steelers 28 (OT). Upset O' The Week. Also, the Browns have a 2010 Chiefs vibe about them, at least to me.
* at Vikings (-6) 27, 49ers 17. The two most overrated teams in the NFC. Neither one is playing come January 2019.
* at Colts (-3) 20, Bengals 13. I have one of these teams in the playoffs.
* at Ravens (-7) 31, Bills 3. (Pause). Yeah, got to. Sing along. You know you want to.
"Good Times! Anytime you need a payment?
Good Times! Anytime you need a friend?
Good Times! Anytime you're out from under?
Not gettin' hassled! Not gettin' hussled!
Keepin' yo head above water!
Makin' a wave when you can!
Temporary layoffs? Good Times!
Easy credit ripoffs? Good Times!
Scratchin' and survivin'? Good Times!
Hangin' in a chow line? Good Times!
Ain't we lucky we got 'em?
(Na Na Na Na Na!)
Good Times (Game O' The Week honors) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Also, admit it: that was one f*cking cool version of that incredible theme song.)
* Cowboys (-3) 35, at Panthers 24. When the season predictions post, you will notice this game affected not one, not two, but at least three separate playoff berths, when the season is said and done (at least in my schedule run). I'm higher on Dallas than most, I guess. That, or I'm just high (rimshot)!
* at Packers (-7) 38, Bears 14. The Bears will be much improved ... but not in this venue, on Sunday night.
* Rams 30, at raiders (+3) 28 (OT). This one will be worth waiting up for.
The "Klassy" Kevin Keitzman Tweet O' The Week.
This week, "K"KK retweeted a meme ... and, well ...
Now, I freely admit, in the interest of full disclosure that (a) I have never been married, (b) never been engaged, (c) haven't seen a relationship with the opposite sex see month four in over a year, and (d) freely admit (a), (b), and (c).
Having said that?
Yeah, she's right.
Oh, Ol' Klassy. Klassy Kev. Ol' "K"KK. Our (alleged) Khief Kheater on an (alleged) street in a suburb (allegedly) nicknamed Perfect Village. Please, may your self-righteous and hypocritical portrayal as the family man our nation needs to save itself from ... whatever the hell the latest outrage on the lunatic left or religious right is, never cease to humor me.
The Watching Party Plans.
We'll be on The Deck for this one for sure. Sadly, the water temp will probably be too cold to float while watching this game in The Pool, but The Pool (as of now) will be open through at least the home opener for those of you brave enough to enter it.
The menu will be some kind of chicken (given that it's the "Super" Chargers), The Beer Machine was full as of yesterday evening, and there'll be plenty of seating and other assorted sh*t available for you.
Feel free to come out and join us.
The Tailgating Plans.
There are no The Tailgating Plans, as this is not a Chiefs game I will be in attendance for.
Stevo's Drink O' The Week.
This week -- honestly, for a couple weeks -- I've been on a Windsor and Dr. Pepper kick. Windsor is certainly not my whiskey of choice (that would be Weller) ... but for the low, low price of $13.95 for a handle (at the Price Chopper on 85th and Wornall), it's a solid, solid value. When $20 between the booze and the mixer can get you through at least half a week, it's a winner in my book.
Feel free to give it a try. It's not a bad lil' libation.
The Flashback.
It still remains my favorite play of all time ... which probably says more about how bereft of defining moments the Chiefs have been for most of my life.
Peoples and peepettes, Tamarick Vanover, October 6, 1995, 11:47pm CT:
(start at the 0:27 second mark if I didn't get the embed right)
But man, I wish I had the ABC broadcast call. Because it's so damned perfect.
I still tear up, twenty three years later, the moment I hear "boy, did he loft that one" out of Frank Gifford, to open the play.
I missed a few games while I was in college.
This is the one I regret missing the most.
Bar none.
Disreputable Mexican Food Truck Update.
I cannot believe I have been in this job for a year. September 6, 2017. Where has the time gone?
More to the point, I cannot believe I managed to pull off the last year, with exactly ten days of paid time off.
It required some juggling. It required some "creative scheduling". It definitely required a boss as motivated during the dog days of summer as I am (namely, no motivation at all).
Somehow, I made it.
And Disreputable Mexican Food Truck made it too. The line for that thing is still ten deep, even at 12:30 on a 96 degree afternoon (which we've (thankfully) had a sh*t ton of here in KC the last six, seven weeks).
Here's to another year of doing business with ya, Disreputable Mexican Food Truck.
The Jets Prediction.
As the leader of the "please, dear God, anyone but Sam Darnold" club ... let the fun begin.
Because at least he has a semi-high and somewhat-hard hurdle to leap over. The last two "franchise saviors" who started within a year of being drafted, both led the Jets to at least the Divisional Round, their first full year at the helm (2002 Chadwick Pennington; 2009 Mark Sanchez).
Which (and in the interest of full disclosure, the Jets are my 1B team: I root for them anytime they either (a) don't face the Chiefs, or (b) need to lose to help the Chiefs postseason chances) doesn't mean jack sh*t to us Chiefs fans. Every 49ers retread brought in here over the last 25 years -- and there were five of them, at least reached the Divisional Round of the playoffs as well (1992 Steve DeBerg, 1993 Joe Montana, 1995 Steve Bono, 1997 Elvis Grbac, 2015 and 2016 "Sir" Alex Smith).
I'm lower on the Jets this year than most. Because I think Sam Darnold is going to make JaMarcus Russell look like a success by the time his career is over. But here's to hoping I'm wr ... wr ... wr ... possibly incorrect.
* at Lions (-6 1/2) 31, Jets 13.
The Chiefs Pontification and Prognostication.
(Sadly, for the eleventh year in a row ... still porn star free. You old school "Tony Bruno Morning Extravaganza" fans out there, will get that shoutout. The rest of you? Just know, the "Extravaganza" was the greatest sports radio morning show ever. And it's co-host for all those years? (Pause). You guessed it -- Frank Stallone! Just kidding -- it was Andrew Siciliano.)
(stevo organizing the sermon notes)
("the congregation" growing restless)
(stevo taking a healthy swig of his windsor and dr. pepper)
Let's begin.
--------------------
Many Chiefs fans will focus on the theme to this post, focus on the fact that Patrick Mahomes "Of the Chiefs" is making his first season opening start as a NFL quarterback for our Red and Gold, and naturally assume that the focus of this, will be on Mr. Mahomes.
And you would be wrong.
Because it's not Mr. Mahomes who will determine the fate of this franchise -- this season, next season, or (highly likely) anytime in the next four to five seasons.
I mean, sure, fine, ok -- he will determine it.
But not without significant help, one way or the other.
There's only one person who we need to be the king, when kingdom comes, over these next few years.
And that man?
Is even newer to his job, than Mr. Mahomes.
--------------------
My brother and I had a healthy rivalry growing up. And by healthy, if you mean "he bashed my head into a window sill until I needed stitches more than once", then yes, it was healthy.
(Note: I was almost three when Drew was born. He can still kick my ass eight ways from Sunday at any "sport", save for "trivia" and or "tailgating". I call that a draw, to be honest.)
Part of that rivalry is that whoever I rooted for, he always picked the opposite. For example, I rooted for the Knicks; he picked the Bulls. I rooted for the Royals; he cheered on the A's.
And growing up, you'd never meet a bigger fan of Nebraska football in the late 1980s / well into the 1990s, here in the KC Metro?
Than me.
So naturally, Drew went for Colorado, who had all but replaced Oklahoma as the biggest Husker rival, following Barry Switzer's departure (from OU) and Bill McCartney's arrival (at CU).
Those late 1980s / early 1990s Buffaloes teams were loaded with talent. Possibly none more talented than a running back by the name of Eric Bieniemy. (Or as Chris Berman famously nicknamed him (and for once, it's a funny one): Eric "Sleeping With" Bieniemy.)
Through some strange shenanigans, we had the chance to meet Mr. Bieniemy sometime in the early 1990s. I don't recall when or where, but I know my brother got his autograph, because I still remember the signed autograph on it.
It's that autograph, that has me so f*cking ready, for this season -- and at least a few more, I hope and pray -- to come.
--------------------
There's a mindset around this team, I'm not sure I've ever seen before.
It's not just a desire to bring Lamar's Trophy home. That mindset has been here before, perhaps never more so than in 1997 and 1998. (And certainly in 2005; in hindsight, Dick Vermeil's "I'm too damned old to play for overtime" quote seems more prescient by the hour, given Lamar's fading health (he'd be dead within thirteen months, of that LJ touchdown as time expired against the raiders, to open the second half of the 2005 season).)
This time, it's different.
It's a mindset we haven't seen, top to bottom, honestly, since 1993.
The mindset, that Lamar's Trophy isn't enough.
And the catalyst to fuel that?
Is not who you'd think it is, in my (rarely never humble opinion).
--------------------
The three key ingredients to this season, on the surface? Two have had tremendous success through others. Have lived the ultimate success of sports through others.
Patrick Mahomes "Of the Chiefs" has a multi-World Series winning father. "Fat" Andy Reid has a coaching tree to (kim carnes voice) make a pro blush, and of course has a Super Bowl ring as an assistant in Green Bay, and reached a Super Bowl in Philly on his watch.
But only one of the surface three key ingredients?
That's the one line quote Mr. Bieniemy wrote on my brother's piece of paper pushing 30 years ago. And it's as true today, as it was then.
I am sure Drew wanted him to write something to tweek his Husker fan brother. (Oh, how that karma bit your Buffs in the ass, my dear friend, overthe ensuingsix years.) And I am sure, given Mr. Bieniemy's personality, he leaped at the chance to tweek me.
The one key ingredient who knows how to win that championship, for a Chiefs franchise that hasn't done so since my mom and dad were barely hooking up, let alone married, with me to boot as a failed Spring Break mistake ** six years away?
Is Chiefs offensive coordinator Eric Bieniemy.
He's been the focal point of the nation -- him against the world, so to speak, his team and fan base's dreams, hopes, and prayers squarely on his shoulders.
For what it's worth, at least to me, Eric Bieniemy is THE key to the Chiefs season.
As a running backs coach over the last ten years in this league, he has overseen four of the best performances of my generation: Adrian Peterson's rushing title in Minnesota in 2008, Jamaal Charles' 2013 effort, and Kareem Hunt's rushing title last year.
To say nothing of grabbing Spencer Ware out of nowhere, to fuel the 2015 and 2016 Chiefs, after Jamaal Charles' injury cost him most of both seasons.
To me, the biggest question to the Chiefs season isn't if Patrick Mahomes "Of the Chiefs" pans out or not. A team as talented as the Chiefs can win ten games with simply a league-replacement level QB under center.
And it's not if "Fat" Andy will choke in January again, because that's an insane argument easily rebuffed by his 11-13 record post Week Seventeen, in his 19 years at the helm.
(If averaging the Divisional Round for damned near your whole career is a "choke job"? Then don't perform the Heimlich on me.)
And honestly, it's not even Mr. Bieniemy himself, even if he is the single biggest question mark on paper, the Chiefs face.
No, it's how he manages to handle the running game -- the emergence of Kareem Hunt, the return of Spencer Ware, the influx of the Williams boys -- that will define this season.
Because if Eric Bieniemy can craft a running game that can carve up approaching 100 yards a game on the ground? If not even more?
This is going to be one epic season, to watch unfold.
Irregardless of what Mr. Mahomes manages to do, on his own.
--------------------
A few weeks ago, one of the newbies at Arrowhead Pride tweeted out and asked what the most ridiculous Chiefs prediction of 2018 you had to offer.
Mine was "this team can easily open 0-3, and still easily win the division anyways".
I don't believe the Chiefs will open 0-3.
In fact, I believe the opposite.
I actually think there's a damned good chance this team arrives in Foxboro at 5-0, not even a year after they opened 5-0 leaving Foxboro.
(Note: they won't ... but it's not an improbable leap of faith to see the Chiefs beating a Chargers team that is 2-14 4-11 before October 9th the last three years, a Steelers team without Le'Veon Bell, a 49ers team in the most fired up an Arrowhead crowd will be for an opener in decades, a mediocre those people, and a Jags team that is ridiculously overhyped and overrated. Again, the Chiefs won't arrive for that Sunday Nighter in six weeks at 5-0 ... but no one should be stunned, if they do.)
But I certainly don't think they're gonna open 0-3.
They're at least opening 1-0.
Because I not only believe Patrick Mahomes "Of the Chiefs", and "Fat" Andy Reid, and "Bulldog" Bob Sutton (somehow) are/is up to the positions they're payed to fill?
I really believe the king the kingdom has needed for forty eight years and counting?
Is.
I can't wait to see, what Eric Bieniemy is going to do. Because (seinfeld voice) it will be real, and it will be spectacular.
Welcome back to the one thing this site does at least occasionally semi-decently: the weekly NFL predictions post! I cannot believe football season is here. It seems like it was just yesterday I was sitting around a kitchen table in Puerto Rico saying I cannot wait for this season to begin. It actually was nearly three months ago. Oy. Time flies when you’re having fun, I guess.
So here’s the hustle and flow for the 2017 weekly prognostiations:
* The “Screw You Pete King” Upset O’ The Week returns. (And not by popular demand.) This is named because in 2010, SI / MMQB columnist Peter King (whose writing I actually like, a lot) ranked your Los Angeles “Super” Chargers ahead of the Kansas City Chiefs every single week in his Fine Fifteen, despite the fact that, you know, the Chiefs never trailed the Chargers -- or anyone -- for even one stinking day in the divisional standings. Call me crazy, but records matter … at least until January.
* The Non-Jets, Non-Chiefs Predictions. What it sounds like -- my guess both ATS and SU for every game not involving the Chiefs or Jets for the week. Basically, if you’re hurting for money, just bet the opposite; you’ll be rolling in dough in no time!
Some weeks there will be a running theme; other weeks it’ll be a quick one line blurb (if anything) about my thoughts on the contest. As always, if you’re looking for quality, consistency, and competence? You’ve come to the wrong site, pal.
* The worst game(s) on the board each week remain the same. I suppose it is to the Big Five networks (and various other cable and/or streaming outlets) credit that there was no new sitcom last year so sh*tty, it “earned” must-see status on this site’s gambling posts. So, in order, the games remain:
“Good Times” Game O’ The Week: worst game on the board.
“ALF” Game O’ The Week: second worst game on the board. (Note: will not always be employed.)
“Webster” Game O’ The Week: third worst game on the board. (Note: will not always be employed.)
“Empty Nest” Game O’ The Week: fourth worst game on the board. (Note: hope this is never employed.)
“One Day At A Time” Game O’ The Week: fifth worst game on the board. (Note: pray this is never employed.)
I’ve never had to go deeper than “One Day At A Time”, and I’ve been doing the picks email / post for pushing twenty years now. Let’s all hope and pray we never discover what’s worse than “One Day At A Time” * . Because if there’s a hell worse than three hours with Schneider and the Romano family, I don’t want to know it.
Oh, and these games receive this sitcom designation because I’d rather watch three straight hours of said sh*tty sitcom, than watch the actual game itself.
* The “2 Legit 2 Colquitt” Idiotic Hunches. Predictions for my primary fantasy football league’s slate of showdowns. (Note: this one was requested. You’re welcome, 2L2C League Members.)
* The “Klassy” Kevin Keitzman Tweet O’ The Week is back … and folks, have I got a doozy teed up for Week One. (To say nothing for Week Two ... holding back my thoughts on a Tweet of Ol' Klassy from 9/2 is really tough at this point.)
* The Tailgating Plans -- employed for all Chiefs home games, as well as any roadies I will be in attendance at. (As of now, that's only two: Dallas and the Jets, plus the annual roadie to South Dakota for the raiders roadie. Sorry Houston -- I tried. Couldn't get that much PTO given the changes in my life over the last month.)
It’s what it sounds like -- your invitation to join my group, and participate in whatever the hell we’re eatin’ and drinkin’.
* The Watching Party Plans -- employed for all Chiefs games I will not be in attendance at. It’s what it sounds like -- your invitation to join my group at wherever the hell we’re eatin’ and drinkin’.
* The Jets Best Guess -- what it sounds like. My prediction for my 1B squad.
* The Chiefs Prognostication -- what it sounds like. My prediction for my 1A squad … plus occasional commentary and/or observations on life, football, and whatever the hell is on my mind in the moment.
Still undecided is if there will be any guest commentary. As always, should you wish to submit your picks and/or thoughts of whatever, and I actually know who you are, you have my invitation to submit via Twitter direct link (@teamtito15), Facebook (teamtito15) or email (teamtito15 at yahoo or gmail; your call), and I will post unedited, save for font and sizing. (I just copy and paste whatever you send me into the post. It’s nothing fancy folks. These blogs write themselves.)
And as always, if there’s something I think of that I think might be a fun thing or three to try out? You’ll read it below.
(*: I’m almost embarrassed to admit this … but the "One Day At A Time" reboot on Netflix isn’t half bad. Note I did not say it is half good. But it is not half bad.)
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Last Week ATS: 0-0-0.
Season to Date ATS: 0-0-0. Enjoy it folks; this is high tide.
Last Week SU: 0-0-0.
Season to Date SU: 0-0-0. SU I’m usually at least 54%. Which is terrible. But still.
Last Week “Screw You Pete King” Upset / Week: not applicable.
Season to Date “Screw You Pete King” Upset / Week: 0-0-0. You laugh now, but I’m usually decent at getting the one big “how the hell did this happen?!?!” pick right each week.
This Week’s “Screw You Pete King” Upset / Week: Lions (+1) over “Super” Cardinals.
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The Non-Jets, Non-Chiefs Predictions:
(Note: all lines pulled from USA Today on the day of posting.)
* “Shane” Falcons (-7) 41, at Bears 13. When you draft someone second overall, and have such little confidence in him after training camp and a month of preseason that you have him hand off nine straight times to open your fourth game, you probably botched the pick. Just sayin’.
* at Bengals (-2 ½) 27, Ravens 24. I love this game. One of the best on the board for Week One.
* Steelers 31, at Browns (+10) 27. Upset alert potential. But if not, “ALF” Game O’ The Week.
* at Lions (+1) 34, “Super” Cardinals 24. I have both teams in the playoffs. In the words of Billy Joel: “don’t ask me why”. (Although also in the words of Billy Joel: “you may be right, and I may be crazy. But I may just be the lunatic you’re looking for!”)
* at Texans 31, Jaguars (+5 ½) 28. Smells like a field goal game. Which is probably better than the greater Houston metropolitan area is smelling right now (rimshot)!
In all seriousness -- I’m an adopted Texan. The four years I lived in that state were without question -- (allard baird voice) without question! -- the best four years of my life. I hope and pray I get to move back someday. This site is with ya Houston -- which thanks to more trips than I care to remember over the last two Chiefs seasons, has somehow moved ahead of the Metroplex as my preferred place to move to, when I move back someday.
* Bucs (-2 ½) 38, at Dolphins 13. I get that these are two .500 plus teams from last year, but come on. NOBODY is watching this sh*tfest. “Good Times” Game O’ The Week.
* Eagles (PK) 24, at Redskins 21. I have no idea how to bet this one. Let alone predict it.
* raiders (+1) 38, at Titans 20. Although I’ll be rooting for the Marching Mariota’s. Also, Mike Mularkey is so getting sh*t canned by Week Six.
* at Rams (-3) 9, Colts 3. Goff! Tolzien! Rams! Colts! ONLY … on FOX!!!!!
* Panthers (-5) 24, at 49ers 17. Will probably be closer than you think. Especially if “Son of Shanarat” is even half as quality of a coach, as his dad was.
* at Packers (-3) 31, Seahawks 27. Wish I had a half point to play with, either way. This smells like a last second field goal victory for the home team, four days out.
* at Cowboys (-3) 41, Giants 13. The Giants are the most overrated team in football. The exposure begins Sunday night.
* at Vikings (-3) 20, Saints 10. This one could have some ramifications for the six seed come New Year’s Eve.
* at those people (-3) 17, Chargers 10. I may only be speaking for myself … and every Houston Texans fan as well … but I’m so freaking glad I can go back to hating brock osweiler again. The “Brave” days are over, dude.
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The “Klassy” Kevin Keitzman Tweet O’ The Week:
I honestly … I mean, let’s just take these in order, starting with the oldest.
Because “The Klassy One”, Ol’ Klassy, “K”KK, decided to weigh in via an air of moral superiority on Royals pitcher Danny Duffy’s recent arrested for (allegedly) being passed out drunk / under the influence of something, in a south Overland Park Burger King. (In Mr. Duffy’s defense, the Royals lost 12-0 earlier that day. He wasn’t the only one binge drinking / inhaling the defeat away.)
Let’s start in the beginning, since after all, if it works for God, it works for me. The initial weigh-in from this fine, upstanding family and God-fearing man:
If you ignore the fact that he TOTALLY botched where Mr. Duffy was all day Sunday (seriously, Ol' Klassy -- if you watched the broadcast (and trust me, I did), Mr.'s Lefebvre and Hudler let you know Mr. Duffy was not with the team), so far, nothing to really complain about. KC's doctor of sports journalism is at least trying to do his job early on -- report facts regarding Kansas City sports people. Here's the second blast of Tweets -- which led Deadspin to label The Klassy One as a "reporter":
"When Duffy heard sirens, he woke up and tried to get into (the) passenger seat." I swear kids, I could not write comedy this good. Please, please, please tell me, Ol' Keitz is going to lecture us on how awful someone is, that has to encounter the cops while in an (allegedly) compromising position:
I mean, are you serious right now? He's (possibly) upset that Mr. Duffy isn't apologizing for this unwanted encounter with law enforcement. It's hard to tell if he's upset or proud of Mr. Moore noting competitive people tend to have unwanted encounters with law enforcement more than the average person. (I lean proud.) He's trying to flat out say it's drugs, not booze, when even the cops flat out say it was booze (a nearly .22 BAC). And my personal favorite -- "he needs to feel shame". I swear, I truly swear, are you bleeping kidding me? A man who built his financial and sports empires by destroying "just here for the paycheck -- we need the cat food!" sports talk show hosts like Don Fortune"ato", a man who is nothing but a walking billboard at this point, a man whose biggest claim to fame is a pathetic stunt against the Yankees TWO BLEEPING DECADES AGO, this man is noting that people need to feel shame? Jesus man! How many more Cookie Diets, Tickets for Less remotes, boring as hell hours of Racin' Boys radio, and pimp-outs for D Clink's book on kicking cancer's ass do we have to endure before YOU feel some damned shame sir? Give me a number! Just give us a number! I'll post a countdown on top of this site and count down to it! And "the facts will all come out"? The Klassy One wanting the truth, the facts, to come out? Since when! Some of us have (allegedly) been waiting for nearly two decades for the sh*t known as "truth in journalism" regarding Kansas City's Pope of Sports Journalism to shake hands with the proverbial fan! And as if all that isn't hypocritical enough ... he ends with this:
"This incident is the result of having an issue." What, pray tell, is that issue? Mr. Duffy has never had any issues with law enforcement before, as far as any of us are aware of. He's never even been the hint of having an issue with anyone other than people who think bears aren't funny to wear as costumes after big wins, as far as I know. And yet, this is an "issue"? The dude got blitzed on a 90 degree August Sunday afternoon! Who amongst us hasn't done a lil' day drinking on a nice sunny summer day? Hey! Put your hand down, Ol' "Klassy" -- I was there fourteen years ago at that blackjack table at Harrah's, after a warm summer Saturday of day drinkin' for a least some of us at Arrowhead beforehand. So, to sum up "K"KK: Mr. Duffy got loaded ... but we don't know on what. He's never done anything like this before ... but he clearly has a substance abuse problem that is raging out of control ... and we have no clue what said substance abuse is, but hey, let's just assume the worst in this kid and pile on during his lowest moment of his existence to date. This man just ... the sleaze of this "reputable journalist" just irritates ... this royally irritates the cat p*ss out of me. No wonder Don Fortune couldn't keep his car clean back in the day. I don't even have a working automobile at the moment, and even I want to grab a cat off the street and let him whiz away on any seat he wants to, this man p*sses me off so much. Please, just retire already. You used to be too good, to sink to these depths of utter idiocy sir. For what's left of your self-righteous legacy, please -- in the words of The Left Banke: "just walk away, ("K"KK)". Please. -------------------- The Tailgating Plans: There are no "The Tailgating Plans", as this is a road game I will not be in attendance for. -------------------- The Watching Party Plans: I will be watching this one at home alone, with a twelve pack of the frosty cold refreshment known as Coors Light. I have to work in the morning. And considering ... hang on. Let's insert a section here. -------------------- A Real Life Update: My career sabbatical came to an end today (Wednesday, September 6), as I started a new job that is strangely similar to every other job I've had for the last eighteen years. I feel like Al Pacino in "Godfather III" at this point: no matter how much I claim I'm out? Reinsurance keeps dragging me back in ** ! As I'm not sure about what "new employer"'s social media policy / policies are, I'll just call them "new employer" on this site until future / further notice. But they're in a lovely six story building close to where the old BMA building is off 31st Street, just south of the Crown Center District here in lovely KCMO, and across from the Children's Mercy building on Broadway. I needed the last few months off. I do not think it is an exaggeration of the truth to say that six more months in my previous position would have caused me to suffer a severe health episode. When your blood pressure is 152/123 leaving the office every day, you are -- as my PCP Dr. Frank has noted more than once -- "a walking stroke". And I enjoyed the hell out of these last five, nearly six months. I got to travel -- to Chicago for a family reunion, to Puerto Rico for my first true vacation in nearly six years. I got to dog sit; I got to reconnect with friends I'd lost touch with *** , and recharge connections that aren't as strong as they once were. To put it mildly, in the words of embattled UCLA coach Jim Mora Jr.: "it was really neat!" But every good thing eventually comes to an end ... even if in my case, it's usually at least three minutes before the plan calls for an ending (rimshot!). So back to work I go. As always, thanks for the support, the love, the kindness, and having my back no matter what, as so many of you do. I ain't nothing without you people **** . -------------------- (**: funniest moment from day one though, was during the introductions of the accounting / finance team. I get taken to an office ... and sure as sh*t, it's someone I used to report to at Transamerica. I think I'm gonna like this place. We're getting the good gang back together! (Sorry Eric. I love ya buddy. Ditto Kyle. Neither of you were the problem at "previous employer" or at TA. (Pause). Come join a winning team! If they'll hire me? They'll hire anyone!) (***: one friend in particular, who I didn't exactly part on friendly terms with, as he was forcibly evicted from the Stubbs house over nine years ago. Let's just say, b*tching about the utter ridiculousness that was -- and is -- our former landlord and "great, true friend" over a few libations, never gets old. Also, go figure -- I met him at Transamerica. God bless, (little kids voice) it's a small world after all.) (****: best moment of the weekend? Without question -- (allard baird voice) without question! -- getting to "check out the bees" in the North Forty portion of the Second Parents back yard. Oh, how I had missed you, medicinally legal herbal product that gets me through life 72.43% of the time! I hadn't lit up in two months due to that pesky grizzled veteran known as "drug test". That first inhale ... sweet Jesus. As a Twitter buddy of mine would just simply say when describing something amazing: (chase h voice) "sex".) -------------------- The 2 Legit 2 Colquitt League Idiotic Hunches: It's Week One of Season Twenty One in my main fantasy football league. Hard to believe this bad boy was the brain child of someone the summer between our sophomore and junior year of college. (It's also hard to believe that not only are seven of our ten initial members still in this league ... but our league is now old enough to drink! Man, that is frightening. Also, of the three MIA's, one is happily living in California, one sadly passed away thirteen years ago, and the third I haven't seen since James' funeral. Life. It's a b*tch sometimes.) Anyway, here's the guesses, with the point spread lines provided by espn.com: Last Week: 0-0-0. Season to Date: 0-0-0. * B*tch Kitties (Cooksey) (+3.3) over GO BIG RED (Gordon, Garrett). Our defending league champ is getting points against a retired grandpa and a (almost) seven year old? This is literally taking candy from a baby (in this case, Garrett's new brother)! * Salty Bananas ("bts") (-4.3) over Mike Ditka in your mouth (Vince). The ConDome will be rocking early and often this week. ("bts" voice) damn skippy. * Angry Beavers ("The Voice of Reason") (-11.3) over Focus and Finish (Chane). The only matchup this week featuring two members of "The Remaining Seven". This one also will probably be the least competitive matchup of the week. Also, why are the beavers always so damned angry? We long ago settled that they are a noble creature! * JYD's Huskerbugeaters (Ross) (+12.7) over Patrick is Mahomes ("Reputable National Sports Columnist"). I'm counting on the five time -- five time! -- reigning champion to hold off the ringer for a week. Because in this league? To quote the great Ric Flair: to be the man? WOOOOOO!!!!!! You gotta beat the man! Also, how the hell did someone who once destroyed Transamerica property by putting a magnetic schedule on his monitor (that's brilliant!), parlay that into a "reputable national sports columnist" gig in barely ten years? Jesus, overachiever! :) * Jasson's Occiffers (Jasson) (+1.4) over Orinoco Flow N My Pantalones (Potter). Winner gets a stale chip and half-baked CCQ sauce from Don Chilito's. There are no winners here. * Banana Hammocks (Will) (-10.3) over team tito (me). It could be a long, hard season at The Sombrero for the fighting titos. -------------------- The Jets Best Guess: For the record, I'd start Christian Hackenberg until he literally couldn't crawl under center anymore. L O S E Lose Lose Lose! Get Booed Off for (Mason) Rudolph! * at Bills (-11 1/2) 45, Jets 2. More tables will be destroyed in the parking lot by drunken Bills fans, than the Jets will score points. Which, to be fair, the same could also likely be applied to the number of points their Bills will score, too. -------------------- The Chiefs Prognostication (And Possibly Mildly Entertaining Commentary): If there is one song that perhaps perfectly encapsulates the 2017 Kansas City Chiefs season, I would argue it is Tina Turner's epic Grammy smashing classic, "What's Love Got To Do With It". Because let's be honest here: what the hell does love have to do with this upcoming season? Especially when it comes to the player that should (and hopefully will), take every meaningful snap from center over the next five months? "Sir" Alex has been in this position before. As the late, great Glenn Frey so perfectly put it: "everybody's talkin' 'bout the new kid in town!" Including this guy. I got multiple compliments on my Mahomes embroidered ballcap at both preseason games. But as noted, he's been the jilted lover who just won't exit stage left without his lovely parting gift before, in 2011, in San Francisco. (Note: I have no problems with jilted lovers demanding their lovely parting gift before departing the scene. It's better to pay to play, if it comes to it. Because if she leaves you so unsatisfied you have to jilt her? Cut the cord no matter the financial cost. Also, I am forty, single, and haven't had a meaningful relationship reach night three as anything other than friends in pushing a year, so just assume I'm full of it, as always.) Here's the thing though, Chiefs fans: the lover we all want to kick to the curb? Is the best thing we've thrown under center in literally a generation. He's led us to the first playoff win in twenty two years ... and it should have only been twenty. (Trust me, I was there for both: at Indy (Part One / Part Two) and at Houston (The Whole Enchilada).) He's missed one start due to injury in four years -- and the Chiefs won it (vs Jaguars last year -- sorry, couldn't find a recap on this site ... and I don't have access to "previous employer's email files" anymore.) If you had said four years ago -- coming off the single worst season in franchise history -- that the WORST thing to happen to this team in the next four years would either be (a) a twenty eight point meltdown in one of the greatest playoff games in NFL history or (b) a brain fart of a hold in an epic defensive battle in prime time in January at Arrowhead (which had never happened before -- every previous playoff game at Arrowhead started no later than 3:30 CT), would you have taken it? Because I would have. Sh*t, I did. And if you're being honest? You would have too. -------------------- The Chiefs are not going to win Thursday night. I hope and pray I'm wrong ... but in the words of a late, great friend and sorely missed tailgater: "I may be stupid, but I ain't that stupid. (Pause). Well ..." But here's the thing, and Sammy kind of hit on it today (online; guessing it's in print tomorrow) -- this is an opportunity where the Chiefs literally have nothing to lose. (Other than the game, of course.) If the Chiefs lose? Everyone expected it. Nobody is going to go throwing sh*t against the wall, beating up their significant other, or enraging the late, great Mr. William Grigsby by taking it out on the dog. Nobody -- up to and including me -- expects the Chiefs to win tomorrow. Which is why this is so perfect. There's no expectations. This isn't a gigantic inflated balloon that, when punctured, sees the season collapse (partly or totally) because of it. This isn't an all or nothing proposition. This isn't the 2010 Opener against the "Super" Chargers. This isn't the 1999 Finale against the raiders. This isn't Week Sixteen 1996 against the Colts (the single most underrated defeat in franchise history ... at least in my lifetime). This isn't Carson Palmer to Peter Warrick as a drunk, debauched Bengals fan decked me square on in the face in Week Eleven 2003. This isn't losing to the worst team in football to open 2007. There are so many things this game is not. What matters, is what it is. And that is fun. Sometimes? Love has nothing to do with it. Sometimes? It's just a second hand overrated emotion. Sometimes? A heart has no reason to be broken. And God bless, when it comes to Red and Gold football? It scares me to feel that way. * at Patriots 30, Chiefs (+7) 24. I honestly think this will be a push at 31-24 Patriots. I just have to pick an ATS winner ... and gun to my head, Chiefs find a way to steal the half point to their side. (Hopefully) coming next week: the Week Two Predictions, Stevo notes "The Klassy One"'s indefensible, irresponsible, and beyond irritating opinions on gun violence (see his 9/2 Twitter timeline) ... and Stevo fires with both barrels (after receiving undercover recognizance from a few friends and my former co-worker and "highly placed confidential source within the organization who speaks only on condition of anonymity" ... hopefully ... the artist known as "Rufus") on what the Red and Gold have in store for us tailgaters for the 2017 regular season. Here's a hint: the only thing worth cashing in your STM benefit points for? Isn't available for "purchase" in 2017 ... at least as of today ...
