2016 chiefs in review part dos: bests, worsts, and "the dream schedule"

“Life ain’t always beautiful;

Sometimes it’s just plain hard.

Life can knock you down --

It can break your heart.

Life ain’t always beautiful.

You think you’re on your way,

But it’s just a dead end road,

At the end of the day.

But the struggles?  Make you stronger.

And the changes?  Make you wise.

And happiness?  Has it’s own way,

Of taking it’s own sweet time.

No, life ain’t always beautiful,

And tears will fall sometimes.

Life ain’t always beautiful --

But it’s a beautiful ride! …”

-- “Life Ain’t Always Beautiful” by Gary Allan.

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In case you missed Part One of the 2016 Chiefs Season in Review, you can click here to access it.  (Warning: it’s a long, long read.  This part … will probably be shorter.)

Here now is Part Two of the Chiefs Season in Review -- my favorite (best) moments, my least favorite (worst) moments, and The Dream 2017 Schedule.

Part Three will be Professor Stevo’s Grades; Part Four will be Ten Moves I Want the Chiefs to Make this Offseason.  And if there’s a Part Five?  Even better.  But not likely.  I have exactly one week to knock these three parts out before Selection Sunday hits … and given that you’ve gotten one post out of me since Election Day, this could be a challenge.

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The Best Game (Quality): Week Twelve at those people.

Even if the Chiefs had lost that game, I have to admit the Captain Oats in the room -- that was one fun battle.  You had everything leading up to about three minutes to go in overtime.  You had the Chiefs scoring via every scoring play imaginable -- a safety, a kick return, a couple extra points, a field goal, a 90 yard touchdown drive to score as time nearly expired, and the two pointer to tie.  And now you’ve traded field goals with those people in the extra session, and they’re lined up to attempt a 65 yard-ish field goal try to win.  Even if that sucker goes in, it’s still the highest quality game, start to finish, the Chiefs delivered all season.  The fact that those people's kicker's attempt missed, and the Chiefs staged yet another last minute drive -- to win on “The Doink” to boot as time expired! -- only adds to a game that had long before clinched this nomination.

Honorable Mention: Week Three vs Jets.  Eight turnovers!  Eight!  Every time the Jets touched the ball, they coughed it up!  (Or so it seemed.)  Throw in my "wait, he actually likes this?" weather conditions for football (70s and light rain * ), coupled with a national TV audience in the stand-alone late afternoon slot, the whole day was just spectacular.

(*: I’ll always prefer 85ish and sunny for football.  Or any outdoor sporting event, for that matter.  Warm enough to potentially enjoy “The Perfect Stevo Day”, which involves my feet propped up, my ass in my chair, cold beer in my coozie, and my t-shirt and Birkenstocks nowhere in sight.  But 70s and light rain is pretty damned cool.  It’s warm enough that the rain / drizzle feels really good on you … but not decrepit condition enough that the game is a slopfest.)

Worst Game (Quality): Week Four at Steelers.  Honestly, this is the only nominee.  The other four losses, the Chiefs lost by less than a possession, and lost due to their own ineptitude.  (Couldn’t find the end zone at Houston; threw costly pick in the end zone vs Tampa; stupidly iced an already frozen kicker vs Tennessee; "The Hold" or "The Conversion" vs Pittsburgh in the playoffs).  Everything about the Steelers game was a disaster from the start -- it was 22-0 before I’d even cracked open my second frosty cold Coors Light, for God’s sake, and it’s not like I nurse those suckers.

Dis-Honorable Mention: Week Fifteen vs Titans.  God above -- you get up 14-0 in negative nine actual temperatures, at home, and choke it away, to a kid from Hawaii, who had (and this is a true fact) never, prior to that day, played a game where the temperature was below forty?  Let alone below freezing?  Double let alone below zero?!?!?!?!

Best Game (Entertainment): Week Sixteen vs those people.  The Chiefs had not beaten those people ** at Arrowhead in six years.  The last time those people left Arrowhead as the defeated asshats they are, Josh McDaniels was coaching them.  (At least until the plane landed; he was fired immediately after that defeat.)  Since then, the Chiefs had dropped five straight, three of them in prime time, at home to those people.  To exercise the demons of five years, with the eyes of the entire nation upon us, on Christmas Night to boot, given that those people are affectionately referred to as “satan’s squad” by myself and a few fellow members of my tailgating crew … that was spectacular.

But to clinch the victory with “Fat” Andy’s ultimate double-middle finger “f*ck you!  No really -- f*ck you!” salute of having 350 pound Dontari Poe line up in the shotgun, the game already clinched, and use “The Tebow” against the team that employed him?  That was … well, to quote that chick from Seinfeld: “that was real, and it was spectacular!”

Or as I noted at The Bus afterwards: “that was f*cking awesome! (multiple fist pumps)!”

(**: for those who wonder why I refuse to even acknowledge the denver broncos exist, just know my hatred of those people is ... well, there's only two people in life I despise as much as those people, and go figure, one of those two people, is a fan of -- and her family (at last check) season ticket members of -- those people. But setting aside personal ill feelings -- I choose to refer to the denver broncos as "those people", because that is what General Lee always referred to the Union soldiers opposing him as -- "those people". He didn't want to dignify his opponent with a shred of respect towards them. I feel the same way, about "those people" in the mile high city.)

Honorable Mention: Week Nine vs Jaguars.  Any time you can have your tight end ejected for imitating a ref -- and using his flag as a prop to boot -- it’s quality entertainment.  When you can double down on that with your stud cornerback, upon recovering a fumble in the end zone, “punting” the ball into the stands in celebration, and the refs don’t even flag it, they’re either (a) too clueless it occurred or (b) too awe-struck at how awesome that spontaneous celebration was?  (Note: I lean (b).)  That’s entertainment the likes of which you have to go to a shack in the corn fields in unincorporated Douglas County, to compare it to.

Worst Game (Entertainment): Week Two at Houston.  I was there.  Trust me -- every f*cking moment of that day sucked.  Including the lovely afternoon deluge that made the Sam Houston a f*cking parking lot trying to get out of town, back to the Metroplex afterwards *** .

(***: seriously Houston, I love you.  No really -- I do.  You’re at worst my fourth preferred place to live in this fine country we call home (behind the Metroplex, Kansas City, and either tied or ahead of Tampa / St. Pete.)  You're also the home base to a sixteen / seventeen year old clone of, uuh, sixteen / seventeen year old me. But seriously Houston -- enter the 1880s already.  Build a curb or six in your lovely metropolis.  Or at least put drains on the side of the freeways, since most of them are elevated anyway.)

Dis-Honorable Mention: Week Fifteen vs Titans.  Four minutes of fun followed by fifty six minutes of “wait, what’s happening here / how is this happening / what the f*ck is he thinking?” horror and regret.  

Or, how you’d describe a typical hookup with your Friday night pickup at The Eclipse (rimshot!)

Best Play: already covered this one.

Worst Play: “The Conversion”, Divisional Round vs Steelers.

The two most talented Chiefs teams of this century, were the 2003 squad, and this past season’s squad.  Both hosted a divisional round playoff game against a team that, despite an inferior record, was probably the better team.  Both staged one hell of a battle against that probably superior opponent.

And both games ultimately came down, to a 3rd down, deep in their opponent’s territory, with the game on the line.

In 2003, it was a 3rd and 6 that Marvin Harrison got 6 and two inches on, that sealed the Chiefs 38-31 defeat to the Colts, in the last game of The Chiefs Experience as I -- and many of you -- knew it to be.

This year, it was a 3rd and 3, that Antonio Brown turned a quick out into seven yards, to seal the defeat.

If the Chiefs had held there -- and to be honest, it’s the second down play that hurt more, when the Steelers gained five on a play that if DJ was healthy, would have been an incompletion, because God love him, Steven Nelson is no Derrick Johnson -- if the Chiefs had held on that third down, then the Steelers are punting from their goalline coming out of the two minute warning.  The Chiefs likely get the ball at midfield -- with no timeouts -- but only needing about twenty yards (factoring in wind and weather conditions) to attempt the game winner, thirty yards to feel confident about it.

If the Chiefs had held there, do you really think the team that stole a win at Carolina, stole a win at Atlanta, had two last minute drives to win inside hell itself on a Sunday night, had already staged the biggest comeback in franchise history to open the season -- you mean to tell me, if the Chiefs force the punt there, they DON’T get the twenty yards to give Pedro the chance to win the game?  

They would have.  They absolutely would have stolen that playoff game, had they held on third down.

(And if you’ll buy that?  I’ll throw the Golden Gate in free!)

Of every play this year that went against us -- this is the one that ended the season.  (“clue” voice) Antonio Brown, on the field, with the football.  The only way that could have been more fitting, is if his last name was a different color.  Say, Plum.  Or Green.  Or Scarlett.  Or White.  Or Mustard **** .

(****: please, dear God, tell me if you're reading this, you’ve at least played “Clue” before.  Also, is mustard a color, or a condiment?  The jury’s out on that one, I would think.)

Dis-Honorable Mention: “The Hold”, Divisional Round vs Steelers.

Yeah, it sucked.  

It also was without question -- (allard baird voice) without question! -- the right call to make.

Best Tailgate:

Damn.  This is tough.  (Pause).  There’s only one way to do this.

Let’s go to the … hang on, I have to do this properly.

(good ol’ jr voice) Good God!  Good God Almighty!  That’s the Tale O’ The Tape Voice!

In this corner, weighing in at approximately thirty tailgaters, is Week One against the Chargers!  And in this corner, weighing in at approximately forty tailgaters, is Week Fourteen against the raiders!

(jimmy lennon jr voice) It’s … SHOOOOOWWWWWWTIMMMMMMEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

As always -- Seven Questions of Great Significance.  Three Possible Outcomes.  Two Contestants.  One Winner.

Question One: did Breckenridge Distillery provide over $600 in alcohol cost-free to use at said tailgate, in exchange for … actually we’re not quite sure, why Breckenridge Distillery provided over $600 in alcohol cost-free, for use at said tailgate.

Chargers: no.

raiders: yes.

Winner: raiders.

Question Two: did McFadden’s at Power and Light provide $300 in gift cards to use at said establishment for a future away game, in exchange for … actually, we’re not quite sure, why McFadden’s at Power and Light provided $300 in gift cards to use at said establishment, for a future away game.

Chargers: yes.

raiders: no.

Winner: Chargers.

Question Three: is said opponent looking to flee its jurisdiction, screw over its fanbase, and pursue the almighty dollar, in a pathetic and embarrassing cash grab that should remind all fans that “this above all: to sinful, indefensible greed be true”?

Chargers: yes.

raiders: yes.

Winner: push.  We are all losers here.

Question Four: the traditional tailgating meal.

Chargers: chicken.

raiders: ribs.

Winner: raiders.  Although the chardonnay chicken isn’t a bad (this day and age voice) second place victory.

Question Five: the tailgating weather.

Chargers: high 70s, not a cloud in the sky.

raiders: mid 30s, windchill in the 10s.

Winner: Chargers.  Tents and t-shirts optional!

Question Six: (afroman voice) “Because I got high?  Because I got high?  Because I got high!”

Chargers: yes.

raiders: yes.

Winner: push.  I’m the winner here.

So, as we reach Question Seven -- the Question of Great Significance -- tied at 2-2-2 between Chargers, raiders, and “push”, there can only be one winner.  And that winner is …

Question Seven: Not one, not two, not seven, but twelve great friends, made the trek down from Sioux Falls, to root on their team … and enjoy one awesome, epic weekend of friendship, family, and (fidelity ad guy voice) why not, fun, frivolity, tomfoolery, and hijinks?

Chargers: no.

raiders: yes.

Winner: Week Fourteen, vs raiders!!!  (kazoo voice) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I mean, if Adam Drey makes an appearance, what more needs to be said?

And … thanks for playing.

Worst Tailgate: Week Sixteen vs those people.  Not only was it Christmas Day (which led to a late arriving crowd), but you try putting multiple tents up when the wind is blowing at 65mph!  It SUCKED!  At least donkey got his pacifier.  That’s about the only thing worth remembering about that tailgate.

Dis-Honorable Mention: Week Eight at Colts.  Only mentioned because Colts fans were too nice to us obnoxious Chiefs fans.  I expected confrontation and rage.  Instead, I got “you guys are gonna kick our ass today … want a beer?” politeness and respect.

Wait -- how is this a dis-honorable mention?!?!?!

Best Player (Offense): Travis Kelce, TE.  When I get to the Professor Stevo Grades the Roster post, this will seem like utter hypocrisy … but in fairness to Mr. Kelce, he was the best player on the offensive side of the ball that occupied a skill position.

Honorable Mention (Offense): Mitch Morse, C.  If you’d told me two years ago the Chiefs wouldn’t even miss Rodney Hudson, I’d have laughed.  

Best Player (Defense): Eric Berry, S.  If any other player on defense even receives a first place vote, you should immediately check that voter’s sanity.

Honorable Mention (Defense): Marcus Peters, CB.  Had Derrick Johnson’s season not ended against the raiders in Week Fourteen, this slot would have been a coin flip between Mr. Peters and Mr. Johnson.

(Also, in the interest of full disclosure and complete honesty (neither of which I practice in real life), Mr. Peters is not only my favorite player on the roster ... I wear his jersey for damned near every game. I think this is an awful thing for Mr. Peters -- the last three players jerseys I wore during games were (in order) Derrick Thomas (died), Shawn Barber (sucked), and Derrick Johnson (can't stay healthy). (Pause). I think it's time to retire the 22 to the back end of my closet.)

Best Player (Special Teams): Tyreek Hill, PR/KR.  I hope this season -- especially off the field -- is a sign of what we will see for the rest of his life.  I pray it’s not the outlier.

Honorable Mention (Special Teams): Cairo Santos, K.  I have long said any kick outside of forty yards is a crapshoot.  I rarely if ever blame the kicker for a miss beyond forty.  (Thirty or less?  That’s a different story.  Even I drilled a thirty yarder at the NFL Experience (brantley gilbert voice) back in the day.  If I can drain it, what the hell is anyone’s excuse for missing?)

Mr. Santos was two for two beyond fifty this year.  He was six of seven from 40-49 yards out (and his only miss from beyond forty was at Pittsburgh, a game that was over before I was done with my first beer, for God’s sake).  He drilled game winners, on the road, against BOTH defending conference champions as time expired -- in regulation (at Carolina), and in overtime (at those people).  Let that sink in -- he nailed pressure, literal “season ending kicks” to BOTH defending Super Bowl teams, on the road, as time expired.  That at least earns you an Honorable Mention in the Bests and Worsts of 2016.

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With that, the Bests and Worsts draws to a close.  (If only because a lot of specific plays I want to use in the Professor Stevo Grades post, to defend why I praise or condemn a specific person.)

Part Two of, uuh, Part Two, is one of my favorite exercises in futility: The Stevo Dream Schedule!

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Acknowledging three givens up front:

1. This will not be the Chiefs 2017 schedule.
2. If I get more than two of these right, it’s a miracle.
3. A kid can dream.

It’s (3) that inspires this exercise.  So let’s establish a few parameters, a few ground rules, going in, for the 2017 Dream Schedule:

1. The Royals schedule does matter.  It’s highly likely that the Chiefs will be on the road Week One and Week Four due to that schedule … and said Royals schedule also influences at least one preseason “dream” matchup.  (Note: saying “dream matchup” and “preseason” in the same sentence, should be punishable by seven to twelve in the county slammer.)
2. My travel schedule matters (at least for this bad boy).  I know going in that I am going to at least two roadies this fall (Cowboys, Texans ***** ), and am highly likely to attend a third (Jets).
3. My work schedule also matters.  My job is currently in a state of transition, so I’m not sure what my reporting parameters come September will be, versus what they have been for the past seven years.  (I no longer report to Seattle effective April 1; I’m back under the Chicago wing of the company.)  I have been led to believe that the month-end deadlines will be more relaxed going forward.  I’ll believe it when I see it.  And most importantly
4. The Chiefs rarely if ever play a team in the preseason they face in the regular season.  The last time I recall that occurring was 2011, when they closed the preseason at Green Bay, and hosted Green Bay in Week Fifteen.  So I draw the preseason opponents based on that reality.

Got it?  Good.  Here we go.

(*****: I never miss a regular season or playoff game involving the Chiefs in my adopted home state … unless the Chiefs play at Houston and at Dallas in such close proximity, it makes two trips financially impossible.  This has happened exactly once: 2005.  The Chiefs played at Houston on a Sunday Night right before Thanksgiving, then visited Dallas a couple weeks later.  I could afford one.  I chose Dallas.  Go figure -- the Chiefs blew out the Texans in the true “take off the diapers” game for Larry Johnson … and lost a crushing last second defeat to the Cowboys, to cripple 2005’s postseason chances.)

Preseason:

Week One: at Vikings, Saturday, August 12, 7pm CT (KCTV).

Week Two: vs Browns, Saturday, August 19, 7pm CT (KCTV).

Week Three: at Bears, Saturday August 26, 7pm CT (KCTV).

Week Four: vs Rams, Thursday, August 31, 7pm CT (KCTV).

Reasoning / Rationale: the only one that matters to me is Week Two.  The Royals host the Indians on August 19th.  GIve us a true Double Header Day for the first time since 2010, schedule gods!  Please!  Because few things in life make me happier than a fifteen hour extravaganza at the Sports Complex.

(Also, I’m not sure if the annual game with the Rams is still in effect or not, given their move to Los Angeles.  I assumed it was, for this exercise, given that we went to LA in the 2016 preseason.)

Regular Season:

Week One: at Texans, Sunday, September 10, 3:25pm CT (CBS).

Week Two: vs raiders, Monday, September 18, 7:25pm CT (ESPN).

Week Three: vs Dolphins, Sunday, September 24, noon CT (CBS).

Week Four: at Patriots, Sunday, October 1, 3:25pm CT (CBS).

Reasoning / Rationale: the Chiefs have opened their road schedule the last two years at Houston.  Why f*ck with what is working?  I love opening the home schedule in prime time against the raiders -- a battle for divisional supremacy right off the bat.  The Dolphins seem like a relatively “lower key” matchup, in between prime time against the raiders, and traveling to visit the defending Super Bowl champions with the nation watching.

There’s no reason the Chiefs can’t be 3-1 after the first quarter.  There’s no reason they should be worse than 2-2.  

Week Five: at “Super” Chargers, Sunday, October 8, 3:05pm CT (CBS).

Week Six: at Jets, Sunday, October 15, noon CT (CBS).

Week Seven: vs Eagles, Sunday, October 22, noon CT (FOX).

Week Eight: vs Bills, Sunday, October 29, noon CT (CBS).

Reasoning / Rationale: yes, this means four of the first six on the road.  So what?  Three of them are either very winnable, or the Chiefs are highly likely to be road favorites.  Then you close October with a couple of winnable home games against two decent squads you’d fear on the road … and should beat 30-20 at home.  This quarter of the "Dream Schedule" has 4-0 potential.

Week Nine: at Giants, Sunday, November 5, 3:25pm CT (CBS).

Week Ten: vs Steelers, Sunday, November 12, 7:25pm CT (NBC).

Week Eleven: bye.

Week Twelve: at Cowboys, Thursday, November 23, 3:25pm CT (CBS).

Week Thirteen: at those people, Sunday, December 3, 3:25pm CT (CBS).

Reasoning / Rationale: by far and away the toughest quarter of the schedule … but with some comfort built in.  The late bye essentially negates the penalty of playing on Thursday … and buys you additional time to prep for the annual entrance into the eighth layer of hell itself.  Chiefs / Steelers almost always is in prime time -- it’s about the most rock-solid guarantee on the schedule, actually: Steelers / Chiefs, in prime time.  The only question is what day does it occur -- Thursday, Sunday, or Monday.

Week Fourteen: vs Redskins, Sunday, December 10, noon CT (FOX).

Week Fifteen: vs “Super” Chargers, Sunday, December 17, noon CT (CBS).

Week Sixteen: vs those people, Monday, December 25, 7:25pm CT (ESPN).

Week Seventeen: at raiders, Sunday, December 31, 3:25pm CT (CBS).

Reasoning / Rationale: since the NFL loves scheduling three game home stands for the Chiefs in November or December (or intersecting the two months ****** ), in the words of the Fidelity Ad guy: “why not?”

Open the stretch run with the Redskins at home, in a sneaky good “maybe this one gets flexed” inter-conference matchup that could have major impact on both the NFC East and AFC West postseason participants.  Then what should be the easiest home game on the schedule -- a divisional rival with a fanbase it despises, and has turned its back on.  You want games like that, at home, in the home stretch.

Those of you who have read my “Dream Schedule” pieces before know I always schedule denver at Kansas City for Thanksgiving night.  And come next year, I will again.  But come on -- Christmas Night last year was damned fun, wasn’t it?  Let’s do it again when the opportunity presents itself!  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  No, that is NOT what I said to the last regrettable pickup at the Eclipse!  They’re regrettable for a reason!

Finally, since the NFL went to ending the season against a divisional opponent in 2010 (a move I strongly supported then, and would argue now is the single biggest credit to the Roger Goodell Error … I mean, Era, as commissioner), they have closed as follows: vs raiders / at broncos / at broncos / at Chargers / vs Chargers / vs raiders / at Chargers.

They have never closed at home against denver, or on the road against oakland, since this schedule shift began.  (They have done those things in the past -- memorably closing at home against denver in 1992 (a de facto playoff game the day after Christmas that the Chiefs not only won 42-20, and not only saw denver head coach dan reeves fired as a result of that outcome, but led to my favorite Kevin Harlan outburst as the Chiefs play-by-play announcer: “Not even Santa Claus can save the denver broncos today!”) and at the raiders in 1991 (decided who hosted the wild card game, Chiefs or raiders), 1994 (a de facto playoff game the day before Christmas, that the Chiefs won 19-9), 1998 (Marty’s final game as Chiefs coach, a Chiefs victory to end arguably the most disappointing season in franchise history), and 2002 (a raiders blowout played in a monsoon that gave them home field advantage, and led to their Super Bowl berth).)

So I’m banking on one of the two to happen this season … if only because both eventually will.  

I can think of worse places to spend New Year’s Eve, than in The Garage, with Rudy, Ian, Tom and Nicole, Adam, and whoever amongst you ventures up with me for that roadie.  (Note: I always go to Sioux Falls for the raiders road game, to enjoy it with the raiders fans who come here for their game against us, every year.  And Double Note: I cannot WAIT until that road trip … is a flight to Vegas, come two or three years from now.)

So there you go -- the Dream Schedule.  Zero prime time road games (although five are in the late afternoon national slot … and the fifth of them, is eligible for flexing to prime time to end the season).  Four prime time home games (which did happen once when the Chiefs lost a Divisional Round playoff game at home the season prior -- 1998.  The Chiefs opened at home against the raiders on Sunday Night, hosted Seattle on a Sunday Night (“The Rain Game”), hosted Pittsburgh on a Monday Night, and hosted denver on a Monday Night (“The Monday Night Meltdown”)).  

The third quarter stretch is by far the toughest -- 3 of 4 on the road, all 4 against regular playoff participants.  The second quarter is the easiest -- the two road games the Chiefs will be solid favorites in, and two very winnable home games -- all four games against teams that failed to get on the positive side of .500 in 2016.  (And in three of the four team’s cases, didn’t come within shouting distance of .500 last year.)

Hope Part Two of the look back at the 2016 Chiefs worked for you.  Part Three should be Professor Stevo’s Report Card.

Even odds Part Four or Five, will be a Fake Mailbag.

What can I say, other than the theme to this post not only defines what the 2016 Chiefs were?  But what this incredible gift of God known as “life”, is:

“(It) ain’t always beautiful --

But it’s a beautiful ride!”

As always, until next time: (sgt. esterhaus voice) “let’s be careful out there …”

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(******: you doubt me?  2009, three straight in December -- denver, Buffalo, Cleveland.  2010, three straight in December / January (counting playoffs) -- Tennessee, oakland, Baltimore.  2011, three straight in November -- San Diego, Miami, denver -- and four out of five, with Pittsburgh in prime time closing the month.  2012, three straight in November / December -- Cincinnati, denver, Carolina.  2014, three straight in November -- St. Louis, Jets, Seattle -- and four out of five, with denver in prime time closing the month.  2016, three straight in December -- oakland, Tennessee, and denver -- and four out of five (counting playoffs), with Pittsburgh in prime time to end the season.  I mention this, because it is f*cking cold in Kansas City far more often post-Halloween, than it is “unseasonably warm”, which makes those late season lengthy homestands “somewhat unpleasant” most of the time.)

2014 chiefs in review: the dream schedule, professor stevo's "offensive" grades ...

“If I don’t listen to the talk of the town?

Then maybe I can fool myself!

I’ll get over you!

I know I will!

And I’ll pretend

My ship’s not sinking!

And I’ll tell myself?

I’m over you!

‘Cause I’m the

King of wishful thinking!

I am the king of wishful thinking!

I refuse to give into my blues –

That’s not how it’s gonna be!

And I deny the tears in my eyes,

I don’t wanna let you see!

That you have left a

Hole in my heart,

And now I’ve got to

Fool myself …

I’ll get over you!

I know I will!

And I’ll pretend

My ship’s not sinking!

And I’ll tell myself?

I’m over you!

‘Cause I’m the

King of Wishful Thinking! …”

-- “King of Wishful Thinking” by Go West.  (late 1980s nbc announcer voice) "And now, Part Two, of the 2014 Chiefs ... in Review."

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So, with our opponents now fully known, here is my dream schedule for the 2015 Chiefs season.

I should note up front: this upcoming season has some sick road trip potential – there are five driveable roadies on the schedule … and San Diego is always in play for a get-away, especially if it’s from Thanksgiving on.

* Preseason:

I don’t care, other than the only possible Double Header Day is Week One (August 8; the Royals host the Angels that weekend).  The Royals are out of town for Weeks Two and Three, and Week Four will be on Thursday, September 3 against the Rams, in the (don criqui voice) Governor’s Cup Trophy matchup.  I’d be lying if I said I knew where that will occur this year … just as I’d be lying if I said I gave a sh*t.

The only other thing to note, is that usually the Chiefs play the Packers and Vikings in the preseason.  Highly unlikely to happen this year, since the Chiefs travel to both locales in the 2015 regular season.  (Although in 2011, the Chiefs hosted the Packers in Week Fifteen … but played them in the preseason finale.)

Let’s hope for home games weeks one and three (since three is the only preseason game even remotely worth paying attention to).

* Regular Season:

The Royals are home on Sunday for Week Three (but not on Monday).  That’s the only schedule complication to account for (and oh hell to the mo' fo' yes, I did account for it ... in true Stevo-Style fashion.  (Pause).  Wait, should "Style" be capitalized?!?!?!)

That means the odds are good the Chiefs will open at home for the fifth time in six years (only 2013, at Jacksonville, hasn’t opened at Arrowhead since 2009 – 2010 vs Chargers, 2011 vs Bills, 2012 vs Falcons, 2014 vs Titans).

We know that the Chiefs will face the Lions in London in Week Eight (Sunday, November 1, 8:30am CT), and we know the Chiefs will get their bye week in Week Nine.  Other than that, the other fifteen slots are up for debate, between now and when the real schedule comes out in late April.

Here are the opponents for 2015:

Home: donkeys, raiders, Chargers, Steelers, Browns, Bills, Bears, Lions*.

Road: donkeys, raiders, Chargers, Bengals, Ravens, Texans, Packers, Vikings.

And here is how I’d love for the schedule to look, when it is released:

Week One: Sunday, September 13, vs Browns, noon (CBS).

Week Two: Sunday, September 20, at Vikings, noon (CBS).

Week Three: Monday, September 28, vs Steelers, 7:30pm (ESPN).

Week Four: Sunday, October 4, vs Bears, noon (FOX).

Week Five: Sunday, October 11, at donkeys, 3:25pm (CBS).

Week Six: Sunday, October 18, at Texans, noon (CBS).

Week Seven: Sunday, October 25, vs Chargers, noon (CBS).

Week Eight: Sunday, November 1, vs Lions, 8:30am (FOX).

Week Nine: bye.

Week Ten: Sunday, November 15, at Packers, 3:25pm (CBS).

Week Eleven: Sunday, November 22, at Ravens, noon (CBS).

Week Twelve: Thursday, November 26, vs broncos, 7:30pm (NBC).

Week Thirteen: Sunday, December 6, at raiders, 3:25pm (CBS).

Week Fourteen: Sunday, December 13, at Chargers, 3:25pm (CBS).

Week Fifteen: Sunday, December 20, vs Bills, noon (CBS).

Week Sixteen: Sunday, December 27, at Bengals, noon (CBS).

Week Seventeen: Sunday, January 3, vs raiders, noon (CBS).

Reasoning / Rationale: let’s take this one quarter at a time, shall we?

The first four see the Chiefs with three of four at home, and the only game they would (should?) be an underdog in, given where things stand at the moment, is set in prime time (because the Chiefs and Steelers almost always play in prime time.  Not sure why; they just do.)  That’s a very easy slate to open with, and if the Chiefs are anything less than 3-1 after that slate of games, they should be extremely disappointed.

There’s also a very doable roadie in that opening slate – at the Vikings.  You’re damned right I scheduled that one early enough in the season, that it’s doable.  I went to the game up there the last time the Chiefs played them, back in 2003.  It was late December, it was six degrees out, and we walked through a foot of snow from the car to the Metrodome and back.  The Vikings play outdoors in 2015 (before moving into the Fake Metrodome in 2016).  If we play up there anytime after Halloween, there’s no way I’m going.  Anytime before Halloween?  Load up the car, we’re goin’ streaking!  I mean, road tripping!

The second four is tougher – every game is against a team that won at least nine games in 2014, and three of them are away from Arrowhead (even if Detroit counts as a “home game”).  Like the first four, it contains at least one very doable roadie (I’d prefer Houston … but I’m fine with denver).  Unlike the first four, 3-1 would be an amazing mark in this stretch.  You hope for 2-2, with at least one of the two in the win column being against a divisional opponent.

The third four is the toughest stretch – roadies at two playoff teams, a short week prime time matchup against the donkeys, and a classic trap game by the Bay, to enter the stretch run.  Like the second quarter, you hope for 2-2, but a path to 3-1 is at least visible.  (And the drivable roadie, would be one helluva fun roadie, to Lambeau.  Expensive … but fun.)

The final four games see three games against teams that won nine or more, see two divisional games, and … whoa!  What is this!  The 2015 NFL Regular Season concludes on my 39^th birthday?  Well hell, let’s close this season down with a beatable opponent, with quite possibly a “win and in” scenario on the table, and let’s schedule it against the one divisional opponent guaranteed to bring in a lot of fun friends and chosen family to boot! 

(The potential roadie?  Christmas in the Queen City.  (Pause).  Yeah, you’re right – I have spent Christmas in worse locales.)

The 2015 Chiefs schedule is going to be rough no matter how you draw it up.  Seven games against 2014 playoff teams, four more games against teams that won nine games, but didn’t make the playoffs, and a sneaky good roadie at Minnesota.  Throw in the fact that Cleveland collapsed down the stretch (but still won seven), and the Bears aren’t going to go 5-11 again, that means you’re only two layups involve a team that rarely is a layup for the Chiefs – the raiders.

It’s gonna be tough, no matter how you draw it up. 

Drawn up like my (brett voice) vivid imagination has above?  Makes it manageable.

Next up: Professor Stevo’s Grades!  This … could be highly entertaining.

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Let’s start with …

* The Offense.

* LT Eric Fisher: C.  I’d grade the first half of the season at a D-, and the second half (save for the Steelers game) at a B+.  Split the baby in two and call it a C.  Which is the problem.  When you’re the blindside tackle, and the number one pick in the draft, delivering two mediocre to disappointing seasons is a debacle.  If the Chiefs are going to take a step forward in 2015, Eric Fisher has to perform at a B+ level or higher.  Whether he’s capable of that, is one of the four or five most important things, to try to identify this offseason.

* LG Mike McGlynn: D.  A waste of free agent dollars off the field; a waste of 300 plus pound of human flesh on it.  Mr. McGlynn is an unrestricted free agent; I suggest the Chiefs move on.

* C Rodney Hudson: A.  One of the two critical free agents for the Chiefs to resign.  Also, for all the crap former GM Scott Pioli (deservedly) has to endure because of his failed tenure here, that 2011 draft looks awfully sweet in hindsight – Rodney Hudson at 55, Justin Houston at 70, and Allen Bailey at 86.  And even if you want to point out Jon Baldwin was a debacle at 26?  The Chiefs traded back from 21 to 26 … and picked up Justin Houston as a courtesy for their consideration.  Scott Pioli had his issues, but I’m not knocking his drafting acumen.  Not for a second.

* RG Zach Fulton: B-.  Had a few brutal holding calls this year, but this rookie played pretty damned solidly for most of the season.  More than held his own replacing Geoff Schwartz.

* RT Ryan Harris: B.  Possibly the third most important free agent to resign, given Donald Stephenson’s issues this past year.  Mr. Harris had a solid season, and definitely improved as the season went along.  I hope he returns, via a team-friendly contract, in 2015 and beyond.

* G Laurent Duvernay-Tarnif: Inc.  I don’t recall a moment of action with this guy.  Also, I’m not a fan of hyphenated last names.  Pick one or the other, for God’s sake.

* C Eric Kush: B.  Didn’t see a lot of action, because Rodney Hudson is that solid.

* G Jeff Linkenbach: C.  I wasn’t aware he was still on the roster.  I think that’s a good thing.

* T Donald Stephenson: F.  The season started with a four game suspension, and it ended with him benched for a journeyman tackle on his fourth squad in five years.  I don’t care how you polish that turd, it’s still gonna be dark brown and stink.

* WR Dwayne Bowe: B.  Yes, a solid B, and no, Professor Stevo doesn’t grade on the curve.  I know many of you would rate him at least two letter grades lower, but let’s be honest here – if Dwayne Bowe isn’t on the field this season?  How much WORSE would things have been in the passing game?  And it’s not like we’re talking about a productive unit here; they managed to cross the goalline zero times this year.

I would do everything I could to restructure Mr. Bowe’s deal, and keep him around.  Especially in light of what I think the Chiefs have found, at the other receiving slot.

* WR Albert Wilson: B+.  Circle me extremely intrigued by this rookie, who had a phenomenal closing half of the season.  Circle me extremely intrigued.

* WR Donnie Avery: F.  If there was a grade worse than a F, he’d earn it.  If there was a way someone could Gillooly him for his numerous indefensible drops this year, I’d pay for it.  (Note: that was sarcasm; Stevo’s Site Numero Dos does not condone bashing someone in the midsection – repeatedly – with a tire iron.  A bowling ball, possibly … but definitely not a tire iron.)

* WR Jason Avant: B+.  I’d be cool with resigning this guy, and seeing what you’ve got as a slot receiver.  Had a great catch in Arizona, and in the finale against San Diego, playing with a limited knowledge of the playbook.  This could wind up being Eddie Kennison 2.0 … and I’d be cool with that.

(In case you forgot, Eddie Kennison was a throw-away signing to fill out the roster late in 2001, after denver released him.  I’d say that one worked out fairly well for the Red and Gold.)

* WR Junior Hemingway: C.  His 49ers game was indefensible.  His response to us fans indefensible, uuh, response to that performance, saved him reputation with me.  All of us will fail – epically and spectacularly – at some point in our lives.  It’s how you react to that failure, that defines you.  Hope this kid sticks around for at least one more preseason; he’s earned one more shot in my book.

* WR Frankie Hammond Jr: C.  A restricted free agent that should be priority 1,032,485,687 of the offseason, in my opinion, for the Chiefs.

* WR AJ Jenkins: F.  (nsync voice) Ain’t no lie – bye bye bye (bye bye!)!!

* RB Jamaal Charles: A.  Just like Mr. Pioli’s final two drafts have left the Chiefs in far better than expected status, Mr. Peterson’s last couple drafts continue to pay dividends.  (Or, to be more accurate and specific, Bill Kuharick’s four drafts with this franchise.)  Another third round pick acquired via a draft day trade, that is arguably the cornerstone, of half of the franchise.  (The other being Justin Houston -- Jamaal Charles was the throw-away third rounder to make the points work, in the Jared Allen trade.)

There’s really nothing left to be said at this point, other than this is the best running back in franchise history in every category, save for greatness as a human being.  And that’s not a knock on Jamaal Charles – that’s the highest praise possible for the finest man and person, to ever wear the Red and Gold.

* RB Knile Davis: B+.  You know who else in this League struggled to hold onto the football his first few years in it?  Jamaal Charles.  You know who else learned how to truly maintain a grip on the ball by being shoved into kick return duties?  Jamaal Charles. 

Mr. Davis had a solid follow-up season to last year, especially considering last year ended with a ligament blown out on the turf at Indy in the wildcard game.  Circle me giddy with excitement, Bert, over what the future holds for this kid.

* RB Joe McKnight: C.  Had a sweet touchdown catch in Miami to save the season, and the game … and that’s it, before getting hurt. 

* RB Cyrus Gray: Inc.  Probably has played his last down as a Chief.  As someone who was there in Indy last January, he won’t be missed.

* RB/WR/KR De’Anthony Thomas: B+.  Admit it – he has a Dante Hall type feel to him, doesn’t he?  Even right down to calling the quick hitch to DAT on a one step drop, that he then turns upfield for at least eight or nine every time.

* FB Anthony Sherman: A+.  The Chiefs have a proud tradition of rock star fullbacks, none greater in my lifetime than Tony Richardson.  Mr. Sherman reminds me a lot – and I mean a lot – of Mr. Richardson.  And that is a good thing.

* TE Anthony Fasano: A.  Rock solid blocker, and delivered a play I should have noted in the previous post, catching a batted pass for a touchdown while lying on his ass in the end zone against (I think) the Rams.  It was St. Louis or the Jets.  You can do a lot worse for a sixth blocker, than Anthony “Sal” Fasano.

* TE Travis Kelce: D.  (cue hurling rotten tomatoes and/or other foul-smelling vegetables at me).  His “fumble” was the defining moment of the season.  Ten years from now, when we look back on 2014 and why the Chiefs failed to make the playoffs, that play will top everyone’s list.

Did he have some great catches?  Of course.  Did he have some lucky plays?  Absolutely – the only thing saving him from a flat-out F, is recovering D Bowe’s fumble yesterday.

Because the bottom line, is his “fumble” cost us the playoffs. 

It’s gonna take at least six weeks of counseling with Stevo’s Site Numero Dos’ Official Man of the Cloth, the Reverend Al K. Hall, before I even contemplate, revisiting this grade.

* TE Demetrius Harris: Inc.  I had no idea he was on the roster.  (He’s on injured reserve, per kcchiefs.com.)

* TE Richard Gordon: Inc.  Again – no idea who this tito is, although I’m guessing he’s a special teamer.

* QB Tyler Bray: Inc.  Hit injured reserve before the season started.  Will probably never take a meaningful snap as a Chief.  I’m not upset about that.

* QB Aaron Murray: Inc.  Sunday, September 11, 2016.  If he’s starting for the Chiefs on that day, he’s who I think he is.  If he’s not, then he’s a bust, and I whiffed spectacularly, in loving the pick of him in April.

* QB Chase Daniel: A+.  Did exactly what I want a backup QB to do: win a game when he’s pressed into duty, that doesn’t call into question the starter’s standing as the, uuh, starter.  Delivered a rock solid Week 17 start for the second straight year, which ensured the most pathetic stat in NFL history will remain intact for at least another eight months … and no, it’s not “no Chiefs WR has caught a touchdown pass since Week 14 2013”.  It’s “no Chiefs drafted QB has won a start for the Red and Gold since September 13, 1987.  Yes, Todd Blackledge, in the opening game of the Frank Gansz Error, is the last quarterback the Chiefs have drafted, who won a game for them. 

A pathetic stat, that if the 2015 Chiefs are to have the season we all hope for, has to hit its 29^th anniversary, to open the 2016 season.

* QB Alex Smith: (deep sigh of frustration …)

Alex Smith is 19-11 as a starter in KC (19-12 counting playoffs).  That is perfectly acceptable football – win 2 out of every 3 games you take the field.

And yet, Steve Bono went 21-8 as a starter in 1995-1996 for the Chiefs, if you want a reference point, for why it’s also not perfectly acceptable football, in my book.

(Fine, fine, fine -- that is an abject lie.  21-8 is not only perfectly acceptable football in my book, I'm still irate nearly 20 years later, Mr. Bono was benched ... at 21-7 as a starter.  Those of you who think Alex Smith sucks?  What would you prefer -- a former 49ers quarterback who won MORE, that you ran out of town?  (End rant in four ... three ... two ...))

Here was Mr. Smith’s season:

Wins: at Miami (8-8), vs Patriots (12-4), at Chargers (9-7), vs Rams (7-9), vs Jets (4-12), at Bills (9-7), vs Seahawks (12-4), vs raiders (3-13).

And the losses: vs Titans (2-14), at donkeys (12-4), at 49ers (8-8), at raiders (3-13), vs donkeys (12-4), at Cardinals (11-5), at Steelers (11-5).

Throw out the outliers – the win over New England, the loss to Tennessee – and what do you have?

Frustration.

Alex Smith beat two playoff teams this year – one more than last year.  (His only win against a playoff-bound opponent in 2013 was at Philly in Week 3.)  He beat the Patriots this year, granted.  But he only threw for 200 yards in that game, and his other victory over a playoff bound opponent (Seattle), he attempted 16 passes.  I’d hardly call that “winning” a game, from the quarterback position.

Look at the choke jobs, the blown opportunities.  The fourth and goal at denver.  The failed two minute drill fiascos at San Fran and Arizona.  To say nothing of losing to the raiders.  A no-show at home against denver (although Donnie Avery and inept special teams planning owns that loss more than Mr. Smith).  Zero points produced at Pittsburgh from the quarterback position, in the biggest game of the season.

And yet?  I don’t know what to think. 

On the one hand, Alex Smith beats who he should beat.  Everyone will have an outlier – Tennessee in Week 1 was the outlier this year.  (In case you forgot or didn’t know, the raiders won their last three home games, all against team that finished .500 or better … two of which, the defeat cost the opponent the postseason (Bills, Chiefs).)  Everyone stinks up the joint at least once a year.  Even Joe Montana was shut out at home as a Chief (1994 vs Rams, 0-19).

But on the other hand, he rarely if ever can engineer an upset, or simply hold serve at home against an equitable opponent.  He’s 0-4 against denver.  He’s 1-1 against San Diego.  0-2 against Indy.  0-1 against the Steelers.  All four teams of which routinely are in the playoffs, and he’s 1-8 against them.

That?  Isn’t good.

And yet …

Isn’t he the single most competent thing we’ve had under center, since Trent Green pre-2006?  And can’t you make an argument, that he’s the most competent thing we’ve had under center, since Joe Montana 21 years ago, in that magical 1993 run to the AFC Title Game?

He doesn’t make mistakes that cost the Chiefs the game.  He might not make the plays to win the game, but he doesn’t put you in a position in which winning is an impossibility.  Are we really all that upset by that?

Honestly, I’m not.

Which I guess is why my grade for Alex … is a B+. 

He doesn’t embarrass you on the field.  He’s never going to put you in a position Matt Cassel did so often, of being down 0-14 before you even know what hit you.

Conversely, he’s never going to put you in a position that an Aaron Rodgers (still the greatest mistake of Carl Peterson’s (debatable) Hall of Fame career*), or an Andrew Luck, or a Tom Brady, or satan manning puts you in – he can win the game by himself, irregardless of what’s thrown at him.

He’s every Chiefs quarterback people my age (and I turn 38 in (gulp) 5 days) have ever known.

And that?

Is everything that is wrong, with this franchise.

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(*: don’t laugh at that suggestion.  Carl won two of the three USFL Championships available in his three years heading the Stars.  All but one coach he hired, either as GM of the Philly / Baltimore Stars, or as GM of the Chiefs, made the playoffs (Jim Mora Sr., Marty Schottenheimer, Gunther Cunningham, Dick Vermeil, Herm Edwards), and at least three of those coaches are amongst the 30 best of the last 30 years.  His first draft pick as Chiefs GM was Derrick Thomas (at a time when everyone urged him to draft a different Thomas – Broderick, from Nebraska).  He has headed the Play 60 initiative for the NFL via USA Football for four years now.

And his GM tree is very impressive: former Bears and Packers GM Mark Hatley, former Saints GM (and savior of the Chiefs drafts in the mid 2000s) Bill Kuharick, former Jets GM Terry Bradway, current Falcons GM Tom Dimitroff, current Bucs GM Mark Dominik, current Dolphins GM Jeff Ireland, and current Seahawks GM John Schneider.

The coaching tree?  Even more impressive.  Former Chiefs assistants include Tony Dungy, Bill Cowher, and Mike McCarthy, all of whom have won a Super Bowl in the last ten years.

And did I mention, he (and Marty) are the ONLY reason we still have a team, here in Kansas City?  They literally saved a franchise.  That has to count for something.

Or at least it does in my book.  As damned well it should, in yours.)

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(Possibly) coming tomorrow: the defensive grades, and the coaching grades. 

(Possibly) coming by my 38^th birthday on Saturday, the ten most critical, “do this!” moves the Chiefs should make, in this coming offseason.

And at some point, I might get up the intestinal fortitude, to finish “The Annual Column”.  I guess it’s pointless to lie – without thanking “The Family” to close it down, I’m really struggling for a finish worth reading …