week two: deep in the (bowels) of texas ...

“Take that look of worry –

Mine’s an ordinary life.

Working when there’s daylight,

And sleeping when it’s night.

I’ve got no far horizons;

I don’t wish upon a star.

They don’t think that I listen?

But I know who they are!

And I?

I don’t mind.

No, I?

I don’t mind.

Oh I?

I don’t mind.

No – I?

I don’t mind!

So take?

Take me home!

‘Cause I don’t remember?

Take!  Take me home!

‘Cause I don’t remember!

Take!  Take me home!

‘Cause I don’t remember!

Take!  Take me home!

Oh Lord!

Well I’ve been a prisoner all my life!

And I can say to you –

I don’t remember!

Take!  Take me home!

‘Cause I don’t remember!

Take!  Take me home!

‘Cause I don’t remember!

Take!  Take me home!

Because I don’t remember!

Take!  Take me home!!!!!!!!!!!! …”

-- “Take Me Home” by Phil Collins.

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Last Week SU: 7-9-0.

Season to Date SU: 7-9-0.

Last Week ATS: 7-9-0.

Season to Date SU: 7-9-0.

Last Week’s Upset O’ The Week: covered!

Season to Date Upset / Week SU: 0-1-0.

Season to Date Upset / Week ATS: 1-0-0.

This Week’s Upset O’ The Week: Eagles (+3) over Bears. 

Last Week’s SUCK: you asked, I delivered!

Season to Date SUCK: 1-0-0 *

This Week’s SUCK: raiders (-5) to absolutely depants the “Shane” Falcons.  The evil empire is going to make the Falcons sweat, curse, and regret showing up more?  Then me at Mass.

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(*: the SUCK gets credit for being wrong, since it’s my favorite bet on the board, and I am the worst professional football prognosticator you’ll ever read.  Last week I said Seattle would pole-axe Miami.  I hope you got a few extra Chrismukkah gifts for the kids, and some Hormel chili for the dog, by loading up on the Dolphins.)

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The Non-Jets, Non-Chiefs Predictions:

* Bengals 28 (+3), at Steelers 24.  Wayne Allyn Root Memorial Contrarian Game O’ The Week.

* at Lions 31 (-6), Titans 6.  ALF Game O’ The Week.

* Ravens 17 (-6), at Browns 0.  Hit it!

* at Redskins 24 (-3), Cowboys 20.  Second toughest game on the board to pick.  Not sold on this at all.

* Saints 52 (+4 ½), at Giants 49.  Please God, somehow, let this rematch be even greater than their shootout at the Dome last November.  Please.

* at Panthers 49 (-14), 49ers 3.  Good God, how awful are the Rams? 

* at Patriots 27 (-6 ½), Dolphins 10.  Webster Game O’ The Week.  And yeah, this one is not going to be competitive or watchable, at all.  If anything, I’ve given the Pats at least ten too few points, and the Dolphins at least ten too many.

* at Rams 16 (+6 ½), Seahawks 13.  Don’t ask me why.

* Buccaneers 31 (+7), at “Super” Cardinals 21.  Just seems right.

* Jaguars 34 (+3), at “Super” Chargers 21.  The Jags have never won in San Diego.  There’s a first time for everything.  (That’s what she said!)

* at raiders 45 (-5), “Shane” Falcons 7.  They can’t make this line high enough.  It could be forty, and I’d still contemplate laying the points.  The raiders are for real.  The “Shane” Falcons are the NFC’s worst team.  And I’m fully aware the Rams play in the NFC.

* Colts 41 (+6), at satan’s squad 24.  I wanted to make this my official Upset O’ The Week, but I want this outcome to happen too much, to doom it.  Look it, those people lose that opener to Carolina 9 times out of 10 playing like they did.  They’ll lose 10 out of 10 to the Colts if those people play on Sunday, like they did last Thursday.  Which they will (lose).  Because they will (play like the worst team in the stadium).  #neverdenver

* at Vikings 27 (+3), Packers 24 (OT).  The Vikings better win this one.  Green Bay doesn’t play away from Lambeau after Sunday night?  Until Halloween.  And no, that is not a typo – four straight home games and the bye.  Absolutely ridiculous.

* Eagles 27 (+3), at Bears 10.  You want to know how little the NFL thinks of Monday Night Football?  They give us this matchup, between two squads going nowhere anytime soon.  You REALLY want to know how little the NFL thinks of Monday Night Football?  Jeff Triplette is your ref for this one. 

The Fab Five:

A fond (or not so fond) look back at the five biggest moments in Texans / Chiefs history.

5. Marcus Peters’ first pass defended in his career, is returned to the house, to give the Chiefs a lead they’d never relinquish, Week One 2015.  God bless, did this set the tone for what one assumed would be a glorious 11-5 season, culminating in the first playoff victory in 22 years.  (Pause).  Wait, what?  It did?  Well who’d have thunk it! 

(Certainly not me.  Leaving wherever the hell the Vikings played last year, to drop to 1-5, I believe the exact text I sent was “unlike the team across the parking lot, these guys quit every chance they get”.  Whoops!)

4. A last second field goal drops the Chiefs to 0-3, Week Three 2004.  The last day of Chiefs football as I – and so many of you – were raised to know it.  It seems unimaginable it’s been twelve years.

3. LJ graduates to boxers, Week Eleven 2005.  Former Chiefs coach Dick Vermeil jokingly referred to having to “take the diapers” off Larry Johnson entering the 2005 season.  After graduating to briefs in the raiders game in Week Eight, LJ arrived on this Sunday night – 36 carries, 211 yards, 2 touchdowns, and the Chiefs won a laugher 45-17, to keep their playoff hopes alive, entering the defining homestand of 2005: the Patriots … and satan’s squad.  One of the funnest three week stretches of my fanhood of this team, that’s for sure.

2. Dante Hall to the house, Week Three 2003.  I ask this with all sincerity: has any special teamer in NFL history had a greater season, than Dante Hall had in 2003?  Four straight games, Dante had a punt or kick returned for a touchdown – Week Two against Pittsburgh, Week Three against Houston, Week Four against the Ravens (it was the game winner), and Week Five against satan’s squad (ditto – and the second greatest kick return in Chiefs franchise history.  Sorry Dante – you ain’t topping my favorite play of all time, Tamarick Vanover against the Chargers in 1995.  Although the top moment to come, might have been bigger than either your or Mr. Vanover’s returns.)  

1. Knile Davis, 2016 Wild Card Game.

Or as Ryan so perfectly nailed it:

(section 123, nrg reliant stadium)

(ryan) He’s taking this to the house.

(me) Jesus dude, you are hammered!

(ryan) (grabs my t-shirt)

(ryan) (shouting into my face) He’s taking this?  To the mother f*cking house!

(me) (somewhat frightened) ok.

Fifteen seconds later:

(ryan) I told you!  I f*cking told you!

(ryan and stevo) (massive man hug)

Ain’t we lucky we got ‘em?  Good times!!!!

Inside Mixology:

A fond look into why one of songs to appear on Mixology, uuh, appears.

This week’s song?

“Dancing On The Ceiling” by Lionel Richie.

The tradition – as best I can remember – started Week Four 2008, when after 344 days of utter and total nonstop defeat, the Chiefs gave a performance for the ages, beating the donkeys to end a twelve game losing streak.  When I finally made it back to The Bus, this was the first song that popped on the cd in the stereo.  (Note: was it really only eight years ago CD’s drove the music, and not my phone?  Holy sh*tballs Batman!)

I thought it was perfect.  “Oh what a feeling!”  And so, for every Chiefs victory since, the first song that will play for the postgame music, is “Dancing On The Ceiling”.  And for every Chiefs victory that feels wrapped up entering the home stretch, many of you will begin to get a series of texts that always start with:

“What is happening here”

Then:

“Something’s going on, but it’s not quite clear”

Followed by:

“Somebody turn out the lights”

And as I exit the stadium:

“We’re gonna have a party?  Starting tonight!”

(Admit it, you are dying to sing the lyrics out loud at this point.  It’s ok.  I’ll join you!)

Oh!  What a feeling!

When we’re dancing on the ceiling!

Oh!  What a feeling!

When we’re dancing on the ceiling!

You’re welcome.  Just please apologize to the person in the stall next to you, for channeling your inner Lionel Richie these last ten seconds.  He / she / whatever the f*ck he/she thinks he/she is?  Will thank you for it.

The “Klassy” Kevin Keitzman Tweet O’ The Week:

This week’s is a retweet … and I wish I’d seen it first, to uuh, retweet it:

Deep In The Heart of Texas.

(Pause).

Jesus God Above, 

I’d kill at this point to move back.

The Jets Fling It And Hope It Sticks Best Guess:

Hey, I nailed this one!

The Chiefs Prognostication:

On my sixteenth birthday (that would be January 3, 1993), the Kansas City Chiefs traveled to San Diego, to face the “Super Chargers” in a Wild Card round game.  The “Super” Chargers were like the 2015 Chiefs – they opened horribly … only to rally to 11-5, and won the AFC West.  (The 1992 “Super” Chargers are the only team in NFL history to open 0-4, and make the playoffs.)  The 1992 Chiefs weren’t terrible – they went 10-6, beat a few decent squads along the way … and swept the “Super” Chargers.  (The only game San Diego lost after Week Four, was at Arrowhead.)

And I still recall – because we were running an illegal gambling pool through study hall, after all – that “The Voice of Reason” picked the Chiefs to lose.  

I was stunned.  

Fifteen / sixteen year old me couldn’t believe it.  “How can you root against us dude?” I probably said.

I do, however, remember the response.

“The hardest thing in football is to beat a team three times in one year”.

That is the task the Chiefs face Sunday – beating the Texans for the third time in a year.

With all three games being staged in what is still the finest facility I’ve ever set foot in for a football game **, NRG Reliant Stadium.

(**: wow, it took this long to get a second *?  I’m impressed!  Anyways, for football, it’s the best facility / setup I’ve been in.  And I’ve been to about thirty percent of the facilities still in use.  That number dropped significantly because I’ve now been to two – two! – stadiums the Vikings have played in, that are no longer in use, for NFL football, as of Sunday night.)

Winning three times, against the same team, in their building, in twelve months?

In baseball, basketball, hockey, soccer, possibly jai alai, (fidelity ad guy voice) why not?

But in football?

Seriously?

Just like with the Presidential Election?

There’s only one credible pick I can make for this game.

And that pick is for th – (pause).  What?  (Pause).  What the hell do you mean, I just got an urgent text!  Who the hell texts me as I’m typing up the picks, knowing what the pick is going to be, Mrs. Stevo’s Site Numero Dos Non-Existent Editor Dudette?  What, are you angling for the Never Going To Happen Ombudsman Position?

(Pause).  Fine, send it through.

(damien voice) You forgot five words tito, in your Upset O’ The Week pick.

(stevo voice) I did?

(damien voice) The Chiefs are underdogs, tito.  (Pause).  Where the f*ck are those five words?

(Pause).  Wait, how do you send a (pause) through a text?

Well, anyway.  What counts is this:

Those five words?

They’re right here, dude.

The Chiefs Prediction?

(stevo sighing in disgust). 

(stevo stating the obvious five words voice).

Take a mother f*cking guess.

* Chiefs (+2) 34, Texans 13.

And a (cameo voice) word up, to everyone regarding next week: 

This is the tailgate?  

You don’t want to miss!  

We have Jets fans coming in from Jersey.  The Chica is allegedly coming.  (Insert your "that's what he/she said joke here.)  

Trust me -- she'll laugh at it.  

(Pause).  

(brett voice) Aw!  Sh*t!  I just opened up another "insert joke here" line into this post!)  

And we have an extra three hours to get “properly medicated”, thanks to our good friends at the NFL Schedule Guru Headquarters, and at CBS, for giving us the late national game slot against … (brett voice) Aw!  Sh*t!  We face the Jets! 

(stevo voice) Do I wear the Jets hat or not …

Stay tuned for that painful decision.  (Pause).  Which really isn't painful.

Not nearly as much, as this must be:

#NEVERdenver #nevertrump

#sorrybutthatshowifeel

#dealwithit

week one picks

“You fly and you fall?

You try and you fail?

But you keep going …

You crash and you stall?

You sink ‘til you sail?

‘Cause you never know when …

The tide’s gonna turn!

The wind’s gonna change!

And we’re gonna make it!

The world’s gonna learn,

And remember our name –

It’s bend, not breaking!

Through blood and tears?

We rise!

(Because) tonight?

We come alive!

We are the sons of a promised dream!

Daughters of hope?  We will NOT give up!

They say we’re broke, and they say we’re weak?

Strong beats the heart?  Of a champion!

We’re gonna stand when we’ve been knocked down!

We crawl!  We walk!  Until we run!

We’re gonna fight!  Gonna hold our ground!

(Because) we’ve got the heart?

Of a champion! …”

-- “Champion” by Clark Beckham.

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Last Week SU: not applicable.

Season to Date SU: not applicable.

Last Week ATS: not applicable.

Season to Date ATS: not applicable.

Last Week’s Upset O’ The Week: not applicable.

Season to Date Upset O’ The Week SU: not applicable.

Season to Date Upset O’ The Week ATS: not applicable.

This Week’s Upset O’ The Week: Jaguars (+6) over Packers.

And, as a new service to you, the gambling public, who depend upon my incredible inability to accurately prognosticate a football game, I give you the SUCK Pick O’ The Week.  SUCK standing for “Stevo’s Useless Crappy Knowledge”.  This is the game of the week I feel the strongest about. 

This week’s SUCK: Seahawks over Dolphins.

(“bts” voice) Hey, Auggie!  You’re getting everything you want for Christmas, lil’ dude!  (placing bet on Dolphins to cover … and if he’s smart, win outright …)

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The Non-Jets, Non-Chiefs Pigskin Prognostications:

(hang on, checking … dammit!  Still porn star free picks!)

(Note: all lines, as always, pulled from Danny Sullivan via USA Today.  Danny Sullivan: Stevo’s Site Numero Dos’ Official Oddsmaker)

* at satan’s squad 20, Panthers 10.  I kind of like that the high point of those people’s season, will occur in Week One.  I love folks who, uuh, “arrive” prematurely.

* at Jaguars (+6) 34, Packers 20.  Definitely not a “Game O’ The Week” candidate.  Quality interconference matchup to start the season.

* at Texans (-6 ½) 34, Bears 10.  Since this game is getting designated, a quick refresher course on the “Game O’ The Week” designations.

The most unwatchable game of the week is the “Good Times Game O’ The Week”.

The second most unwatchable game of the week is the “ALF Game O’ The Week”.

The third most unwatchable game of the week is the “Webster Game O’ The Week”.

The fourth most unwatchable game of the week is the “Blossom Game O’ The Week”.

And God help us if we ever go more than four deep … but the fifth is the “One Day At A Time Game O’ The Week”.

The designation is because any person with an IQ above that of a corpse, would immediately opt to watch a three hour block of those sitcoms over three hours of that game.

Bears / Texans is your “Webster” Game O’ The Week … which means there are at least two games that are worse, on the board.  (And sadly this week, there’s also at least one that’s worse.)

* at Eagles (-3 ½) 6, Browns 2.  Shockingly, only the “ALF” Game O’ The Week.  Not shockingly, this will be utterly unwatchable, other than for when Philly fan first boos Carson Wentz.

* at Falcons 14 (-3), Bucs 10.  I’m not sold on this pick at all.  At all.

* Vikings (-2) 20, at Titans 13.  Toughest game to pick on the board.  Seriously.  Because who the hell knows what we’ll get out of your Minnesota Vikings.

* at Saints (-1) 45, raiders 42.  I have a feeling that my Red Zone feed will be flipping to this game early and often on Sunday.  Also, while I’m at it, for as much as I complain about certain things about the Chiefs, the free Red Zone feed is real, and it is spectacular.

* at Seahawks (-11) 45, Dolphins 7.  (Pause).  Do I go there, in Week One?  (Pause).  Ok, here we go!

Good Times!

(Anytime you need a payment?)

Good Times!

(Anytime you need a friend?)

Good Times!

(Anytime you’re out from under?)

Not gettin’ hassled!

Not gettin’ hustled!

Keepin’ yo head above water!

Makin’ a wave when you can!

Temporary layoffs?  Good Times!

Easy credit ripoffs?  Good Times!

Thrivin’ and survivin’?  Good Times!

Hangin’ in a chow line?  Good Times!

Ain’t we lucky we got ‘em?

(Na Na Na Na Na) Good Times!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Admit it – you sang along to every word.  It’s ok; I did too!)

* at Colts (-3 ½) 45, Lions 20.  The “Corpse” Caldwell Bowl!

* at Ravens 27, Bills (+3 ½) 24.  Smells like an overtime affair from afar.

* at Cowboys (+1) 31, Giants 10.  The Chiefs will visit both of these squads next year.  I’ll be in attendance for at least one of those roadies.  You can probably guess which one.

* at Cardinals 31, Patriots (+6 ½) 27.  Honestly, they’d probably lose this one even with Thomas Brady under center.

* at Redskins (+3) 34, Steelers 24.  This should be a frisky fun game.

* Rams (-3) 7, at 49ers 0.  “Blossom” Game O’ The Week.  I don’t care what you think of him, but love him or hate him?  Chris Berman deserves better for his final NFL broadcast as the lead analyst.

The Tailgating Plans:

The menu for San Diego is always “Super” Charger Chicken.  (Save for 2013, when we f*cked that up.  NEVER again!) 

We also will have jalapeno poppers to grill (jalapenos picked, and sliced, and (my dad at my cousin’s wedding voice) stuffed … and mounted!, personally by me, so brace yourselves …), plus whatever side dishes and desserts folks bring.  We’ll have plenty of beer, and it’s a safe bet 13 will be getting his coozie on with a vodka tonic or six.

Also, the “Stevo Drinking Game” opening line is set at 3.5.  For once?  I might contemplate the under.  I have a gut feeling “Lil G” might want to head out early to enjoy his first regular season game, just like “My Special Lil Guy” was dragging my brother in pretty early against the Chargers two years ago.  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  You’re godd*mned right there’s no such thing as coincidence!

We plan to be in our usual spot by 7am at the latest.  (We got the literal last early-in pass.  There was “1” Quantity left when I ordered it.  Whew.)  I have been assured by my “highly placed anonymous source”, also known as “Rufus”, that we should be left alone – the focus isn’t on cracking down on people in the grass, but people who park wherever the hell they want within the lots.  I’ll believe it when I see it, but “Rufus” accurately nailed everything parking wise that would happen last year, and he’s one for one so far this season … so I am optimistic we’ll be left alone by the parking nazis.

Come early, stay late.  Sunday is going to be (tony the tiger voice) grrrrrrrrrreat!

(Also, why the hell do I put “ “’s around “Rufus”, when his name actually is Rufus?  #blameitonthealcohol)

The Fab Five:

In honor of the greatest collection of collegiate talent to never (officially) win a single game, these are my five favorite plays / moments involving the San Diego “Super” Chargers and the Red and Gold.

5. Tynes from 48 … then from 53.  Week Seven 2006.  The Chiefs limped in at 2-3, already trailing San Diego by three games, and coming off a 7-45 defeat in Pittsburgh so thorough that then-Chiefs columnist Clark Judge noted that “the Steelers used the Chiefs as their own personal urinal”.  (Still one of my favorite analogies ever.)  The Chiefs jumped out to a 14-0 lead, before slowly yet surely Phyllis Rivers (in her Arrowhead debut) managed to tie the game at 27 with a little less than a minute to play.  After a clutch catch by Tony Gonzalez, the Chiefs sent Lawrence Tynes out to try a 48 yard field goal to win. 

The kick is up … it’s good!  Oh but wait – a bullsh*t false start call on the Chiefs (so bullsh*t that even dick gannon was incredulous on the CBS broadcast) meant the kick was now from 53.  In the words of the (maybe late / never great) Mike Stock: “doesn’t matter!  He’ll make it!”  Which he did as time expired, to give the Chiefs a 30-27 victory that ultimately was the deciding factor in reaching the postseason that December.  Without this kick?  There is no Immaculate Fourfecta in Week Seventeen.

4. Tuesday Morning Football!  Week One 2010 saw the debut of the New Arrowhead via a 9:15pm kickoff against the “Super” Chargers.  The game had it all – a true Double Header Day (the Royals hosted the A’s at 1pm), a glorious ninety degree sunny day for tailgating, a kick return for a touchdown, a punt return for a touchdown, a second half played in a monsoon, and then, with the Chiefs clinging to a 21-14 lead, the Chargers had goal to go.  Four plays later, a magical season was launched to a successful start, with an epic goalline stand, culminating in a pathetic attempt by Phyllis on 4^th down that had no chance of completion.

3. The Phumble.  Somehow, this doesn’t rank in the top two.  When you see the top two, you’ll understand why.  Week Eight 2011.  The Chiefs have rallied from 0-3 to get back to .500, and are tied with the Chargers late in the 4^th quarter.  Unfortunately, the Chargers are in gimme field goal range, and simply need to run two plays to bleed the clock to 0:03, then kick the game winner.  The Chiefs only hope was to force a turnover, which isn’t easy to do when your quarterback is in there to take a knee.  Somehow, someway, Phyllis fumbled the snap.  Andy Studebaker emerged with the ball.  The Chiefs went on to win in overtime, via an incredible 3^rd down conversion to Steve Breaston.  For one brief moment, the 2011 season was saved. 

2. The Brandsmart Game.  Oh sweet merciful Lord Jesus.  I am sure there were people across America tuned in on that Halloween Sunday, wondering why in the hell Arrowhead (and the entire metropolitan area) were erupting in thunderous applause as the Chargers lined up to go for it on 4^th and goal, late in the 3^rd quarter, trailing 24-0.

The answer?  Because former local electronics dealer Brandsmart had offered a special that summer, that if the Chiefs shut out the Chargers on Halloween, your purchases of over $500 were on them.

I’ve heard Arrowhead loud (albeit never louder than number one in this week’s Fab Five).  This was damned close to 142.2.  The Chiefs D held, they would tack on another touchdown, and pitch the 31-0 shutout.  In a completely unsurprising development, Brandsmart ceased to exist less than three years later, bankrupted by this one afternoon of football.

But number one?  That one’s easy folks.  It’s not only my favorite Chiefs play of all time (at least so far), it is without question – (allard baird voice) without question! – the single loudest moment in Arrowhead history.

1. “I Love You Lord Jesus!”  11:47pm, Monday, October 9, 1995.  As God is my witness, I will be laying in a nursing home old, feeble, and senile someday, and I will still be able to recite the call from memory.

(frank gifford) Boy, did he loft that one!

(al michaels) Vanover, fields it, at his 13 –

(frank gifford) Uh oh!

(al michaels) Vanover up past the 30 –

(dan dierdorf) He’s gone! 

(al michaels) Vanover is almost gone and now … he is … officially gone!

(dan dierdorf) No flags!  This baby’s over!

Tamarick Vanover did something that night no player in NFL history had ever done before – return a punt for a touchdown in overtime.  If you listen to the clip, the moment Vanover made it past the punter and everyone knew he was gone?  It was so f*cking loud inside Arrowhead at that exact moment, that ABC had to mute the crowd noise for a moment, so you could hear Frank, Al, and Dan call the play.  Let that sink in.  It was so damned loud that viewers at home couldn’t hear the broadcasters.

(And in case you ever wonder why Dan Dierdorf is Stevo’s Site Numero Dos’ Official Color Commentator (Emeritus)?  This is just but one reason why.  Mr. Dierdorf never – and I mean never! – failed to openly root for the Chiefs in the booth.  Never more so than during the final drive of the greatest Monday Night game ever staged.  “How’s it feel, john!” as the camera panned to a dejected horse face.  “What a wild scene this is!”, commenting on how out of control and utterly classless donkey fans are.  And my personal favorite: “aw!  Poor (son o’ bum)!  He did everything … but win!”  God, I miss Dan Dierdorf on my television screen.)

Vanover’s reaction afterwards?  Pretty much mirrored mine – he hit his knees bawling like a newborn baby, before shouting into Lynn Swann’s mic “I love you Lord Jesus!” 

Thanks for reading this week’s Fab Five.  Although how the hell I’m going to come up with five Buccaneers moments in six weeks, I have no idea …

Inside Mixology:

Ooh, a new segment, in which I explain why a certain song is guaranteed to play at The Tailgate.  This week’s choice is “September” by Earth, Wind, and Fire.

This song is on Mixology solely and completely because the late, great TD Pack Band, used to welcome us Chiefs fans into Arrowhead every September, for the home opener, by playing this song.

(Plus, it’s a nice, catchy tune that not even “those people”’s fans could b*tch about.  Although they’d probably try.)

So “September” is on the Mixology list, in honor of Tony DiParto and the TD Pack Band.

Who will always trump whatever the f*ck “The Rumble” is supposed to be.

Thanks for reading.

The “Klassy” Kevin Keitzman Tweet O’ The Week:

Sadly, the “Klassy” One hasn’t posted a single tweet worth ripping in over a month.  But – but! – I have full faith and confidence Ol’ “You Can Pull Your Pants Up Now” will post something tweet-dissecting worthy, in the next couple weeks.  C’mon “Klassy” Kev – send out a “family values” tweet or two, to make this one a mail-it-in effort two weeks from now!

The Jets “Fling It And Pray It Sticks” Prediction:

I would not have resigned Ryan Fitzpatrick.

Let me get this straight: $12 million (harrison ford in “clear and present danger” voice) “and change”, to a man who has yet to start a playoff game?  Jesus, I’d almost rather have Bryan Hoyer – and I was there in Houston.  I saw sh*ttacular quarterbacking at its sh*ttacular finest … but at least it wouldn’t cost you $12 million. 

Having said that … if $12 million gets you rolled in Jacksonville to open January, I guess it’s worth it.

* at Jets (+3) 28, Bengals 17.

The Chiefs Prepared Remarks of this Prognostication:

I picked the theme for a reason.

It’s verse two, that applies to this season, that I truly and honestly believe, will be the greatest Chiefs season of our lives.

Look it, I’ve waited since 2004 to vote for Hillary Clinton to be President.  (I promise – I will keep this site’s NFL sections 18.76% political free, through November 8^th.)  I waited 22 years to attend a Chiefs playoff win.  I waited 29 years to attend a Royals playoff game – screw wins or losses, just attend a damned game.

I’ve waited 39 years for the only thing I’ve ever asked for out of the Chiefs, to occur:

Bring Lamar’s Trophy home.

Verse Two of your Season Fourteen American Idol runner up Clark Beckham’s debut single (and seriously, give it a listen – I actually think it’s better than winner Nick Fradiani’s debut, “Beautiful Life” … which is actually pretty damned good in its own right):

“We are the soul!

We are the proud!

We are the dreamers!

Not letting go!

And not backing down!

Not gonna leave here!

And seeing the prize?

We’ll keep reaching out

Until we hold it!

This?  Is our time!

This?  Is our house!

This?  Is OUR moment!!!!”

I have waited thirty nine f*cking years for this season.

Chiefs fans?

This?  This is OUR time!

This?  This is OUR house!

And Sunday?

Is the first step, to what come 8:50pm CT on Sunday, January 22, 2017, is going to be.  Not “might be”, not “could be”.

Will be.

Sunday?

Is the first of eighteen steps … to OUR moment!

Sunday WILL be a “Perfect Stevo Day”.  Right down to the “Jesus, of COURSE he took the shirt off!” blast to describe me, come halftime, when that t-shirt hits the seatback in front of me, and the sandals hit the concrete underneath me.

* at Chiefs (-7) 31, Chargers 0.

stevo's 2016 nfl picks post

“I don’t want to hear about it?

Anymore.

It’s a shame I’ve got to live without you?

Anymore.

There’s a fire in my heart,

A pounding in my brain,

Driving me crazy …

We don’t need to talk about it?

Anymore.

Yesterday’s just a memory;

Can we close the door?

I just made one mistake –

I didn’t know what to say

When you called me baby …

Don’t say good night!

Say you’re gonna stay forever!

Oh, oh –

All the way!!!!!

Can you take me high enough?

To fly me over yesterday?

Can you take me high enough?

(Because) It’s never over!

And yesterday’s just a memory!

Yesterday’s just a memory …”

-- “High Enough” by Damn Yankees.  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  You’re damned right 39 year old me, is really, really disappointing 15 year old me, that a version of a song titled “High Enough” NOT by the Damn Yankees, isn’t the first option, on a Google Lyrics search.  #epicfail …

--------------------

Well, this is it.  My 2016 NFL Season Pigskin Predictions.  (Sadly, porn-star free.)

So let’s start this exercise in futility by prognosticating the NFC Norris ... while noting to CBS Sports Pete Prisco: yo, Petey?

I've been doing your "pick every game" routine?

Since 2010.  Or almost (mike gundy voice) FOUR! years?  Longer than you.

You're welcome.

Your 2016 NFC Norris Division Champion: Green Bay Packers.

Other 2016 NFC Postseason Participants: Minnesota Vikings.

Reasoning / Rationale: this is more an indictment of my “first team out” in the NFC, than an endorsement of the Minnesota Vikings.  I know the temptation – and believe me, I felt it – the temptation is to downgrade the Vikings chances now that Teddy Bridgewater is out for the season.  The reality is that this team, in the last ten twelve years, has managed to win the division with Tarvaris Jackson under center, win a wildcard berth with Christian Ponder playing a prominent role, and has somehow won a road playoff game with Mike “Meathead” Tice on the sidelines.  (To say nothing of overcoming the awesomeness that was “The Love Boat” scandal.  I mean, there’s scandal, there’s insane scandal, and then there’s “The Love Boat”.  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  You’re damned right I wish I’d been a willing participant in the festivities!  And so does every straight guy reading this, for that matter.)

In the end, I did change a couple outcomes to give the Packers the division.  (I initially had the Vikings winning the NFC Norris, and having home field advantage throughout the postseason.)  But I still think the Vikings are one of the six best teams in the NFC.  So they drop to the six seed, as the last team in. 

Division MVP: Mike Zimmer, head coach, Minnesota Vikings.  I know the obvious answer is “Aaron Rodgers, QB, Packers”, only Aaron Rodgers is my starting quarterback on the fighting titos this year.  The stench of quarterbacking my primary fantasy football squad is a stench that simply put, cannot be overcome.  He’s going to blow a (al michaels voice) knee by Week Three.  Because titos do that.

Biggest Game: Vikings at Packers, Week Sixteen.  Winner won the Norris.  

Second Biggest Game: Cardinals at Vikings, Week Eleven.  This game decided the final wild card participant.

Absurd Prognostication I Believe In: the Vikings in the playoffs.

(Jerry Springer Voice) Stevo’s Final Thought: Jim “Corpse” Caldwell will coach his final game as a NFL head coach on November 20^th.  Which will only hammer home yet again how ridiculous the decision was to fire Ol’ Rasputin himself, the greatness that is Wayne Fontes, twenty years ago.

Since that indefensible firing, the Lions have employed the following men of stature, grace, and utter and total incompetence, on their sideline:

* Bob Ross.  Was so beloved … that Barry Sanders quit, rather than play for him.

* Gary Moeller.  He spent three hours hitting on a waitress in a bar … as his wife waited outside in the car. 

* Dick Jauron.  Somehow won a division title … with the Bears.

* Marty Mornhinweg.  Took the wind in overtime. 

* Rod Marinelli.  The only man in NFL history to lose sixteen times in one season.

* Jim Schwartz.  Jeff “.500” Fisher couldn’t fire him fast enough.  And of course,

* Jim “Corpse” Caldwell.  Who lost a Super Bowl via an onside kick.

So here’s raising one to the greatness that was Wayne Fontes, my favorite head coach in NFL history.  (Note that I said “favorite”, not “best”.)  A man who kept his job because, as the late William Clay Ford noted, “well, I didn’t fire him, and he didn’t quit, so I guess he’ll be back”.  Wayne Fontes is the only Lions head coach in sixty years to win a playoff game … and he won one.  God, it must suck like a porn star, to be a fan of the Detroit Lions.

Speaking of suckitude, let’s head to the disappointment and disgrace that is the NFC East next.

Your 2016 NFC East Champion: Dallas Cowboys.

Other 2016 NFC Postseason Participants: Washington Redskins.

Reasoning / Rationale: Dallas was the other team whose quarterback situation made me re-evaluate my initial pick … and I made no changes.  Dallas’ first six are very manageable, and given the gigantic upset of the Cowboys I projected in Week Four, if anything, I’m underselling this team. 

Division MVP: Kirk Cousins, QB, Redskins.  What can I say, other than I believe in Kirk Cousins.  (will voice) No!  No!  Aw hell no!  You are not allowed to believe in my team dude!  It’s a stench worse than being on your fantasy roster, is you believing in a team!

Biggest Game: Redskins at Cowboys, Week Twelve.  Winner won the East.

Second Biggest Game: Redskins at Eagles, Week Fourteen.  This projected upset threw the division to Dallas.

Absurd Prognostication I Believe In: I have the ‘Skins as one of the last two unbeatens this season.  (Pause).  If you think "Racist Nation" as one of the last two unbeaten teams is ridiculous?  Just wait until you see the "Blake Standing"!

(Jerry Springer Voice) Stevo’s Final Thought: my God, how the mighty have fallen.  The Eagles are in full-on rebuild mode ... not even four years after going full-on rebuild mode.  The Cowboys haven’t appeared in a NFC Championship game since January 1996.  The Redskins haven’t appeared in a NFC Championship game since January 1992.  The Giants haven’t posted a winning record since winning the Super Bowl five years ago.  This division isn’t “the beast” anymore; it’s become “the least”.

Hey, speaking of sh*ttacular divisions, let’s head to the NFC South next.

Your 2016 NFC South Champion: Carolina Panthers.

Other 2016 NFC Postseason Participants: none.

Reasoning / Rationale: if anything, I think I’ve undersold the Buccaneers.  I suspect that come early January, picking them to finish below .500 will be my biggest mistake in this post.  And trust me folks, when I get to the AFC Norris?  This statement will seem ridiculous ... yet probably come true.

Division MVP: Cam Newton, QB, Panthers.  Is there even another credible option, unless “Famous” Jameis or Drew Brees drag their respective squads kicking and screaming into the postseason?

Biggest Game: none.  The earliest division clinch I could find was the 1996 San Francisco 49ers, who clinched the NFC West in Week Twelve.  Carolina might clinch the NFC South this year by Halloween.

Absurd Prognostication I Believe In: that the Panthers will once again finish with the NFC’s best record.

(Jerry Springer Voice) Stevo’s Final Thought: is any team set up to dominate a division for the rest of the decade better than the Panthers?  The Saints are in decline, the Falcons are in disarray, and who the hell knows what will happen with Tampa.  It’s probably a good time to be a Panthers fan. 

And for the final NFC Division, the West:

 

Your 2016 NFC West Champion: Seattle Seahawks

Other 2016 NFC Postseason Participants: none.

Reasoning / Rationale: I do not believe in the Arizona “Super” Cardinals.  At all.  You just don’t overcome games like the one Carson Palmer played in Charlotte back in January.  Ask Jake Delhomme.  This is going to be a very disappointing season in the desert.

Division MVP: Russell Wilson, QB, Seahawks.  Like there could be any other choice?

Biggest Game: Cardinals at Seahawks, Week Sixteen.  Winner took the division.

Second Biggest Game: Cardinals at Vikings, Week Eleven.  Winner was the last team in.  Also, had Arizona won this game, it would have thrown the NFC West and NFC playoff picture into complete chaos, as Arizona and Seattle would both be 10-6 / 8-4 / 4-2.  It also would have knocked Minnesota out of the playoffs, and gotten Arizona in as either the division champ (I believe they would take record among common opponents) or a wildcard (if they didn’t get record among common opponents tiebreaker).

Absurd Prognostication I Believe In: that the Arizona “Super” Cardinals are the most overrated team in the National … Football League, and are in for a long, frustrating season.  (pickell voice) Put it this way: not even the 2004 Chiefs, were this overrated, entering a season.

(Jerry Springer Voice) Stevo’s Final Thought: why is Seattle / Arizona not being played on Week Seventeen?  Why are you wasting what could (should?) be a dynamite second showdown, on Christmas Eve?  (The initial matchup is on Sunday Night Football in Week Seven, and deservedly so.)

Even given how little faith I have in the “Super” Cardinals, I still have them going 9-7, and if you flip the result between the Cardinals and Vikings (which I seriously contemplated doing), they’re the last team in at 10-6!  And you’re wasting the second matchup on Christmas Eve?  (The same thing could be said about Vikings / Packers and Jets / Patriots in Week Seventeen, to be fair.)

NFC Overall Standings:

We'll come back for the playoffs ... after the conference I care about, the AFC.  

And let’s start in the division that I can only describe as a total and complete clusterf*ck after running the schedules, the AFC Norris.

Your 2016 AFC North Champion: Baltimore Ravens.

Other 2016 AFC Postseason Participants: none.

Reasoning / Rationale: As Kevin Harlan would note, oh baby, what a division!  I have every Norris team losing in Week One.  I have a team that opens 1-6 winning the division.  I have a team that opens 5-1 mathematically dead entering Week Seventeen.  And yet, I defy you to find an unreasonable outcome, out of any of that.

Division MVP: Joe Flacco, QB, Ravens.  Basically pick the QB of the division winner.

Biggest Game: Ravens at Bengals, Week Seventeen.  Winner took this division.

Second Biggest Game: Steelers at Ravens, Week Sixteen.  Eliminated the loser from playoff consideration.

Absurd Prediction I Believe In: that the winner of the AFC Norris will have fewer than ten wins.

(Jerry Springer Voice) Stevo’s Final Thought: the single greatest divisional race I can recall in my middle-aged life, has to be the 1989 AFC Central.  All four teams – Cleveland, Cincinnati, Pittsburgh, and Houston – were mathematically alive entering Week Sixteen (which was the final week in 1989, pre-byes).  Cleveland went into Houston in Week Seventeen and won, to get to 9-6-1, while dropping the Oilers to 9-7.  The Steelers went into Tampa and won big, getting them to 9-7.  And the Bengals closed the season on Christmas night at Minnesota, in a true “winner take all” matchup.  If the Vikings won, they’d win the NFC Norris and keep the Packers out of the playoffs.  If the Bengals won, they’d take the last wildcard slot and knock the Steelers out.  Sadly, the Vikings won, 29-21 … but it set up three amazing playoff games, as the Steelers went into Houston and beat the Oilers in overtime, the Browns beat the Bills on a last second drive, and the Steelers put the fear of God into satan’s squad before falling by three.

Oh, and the tie that won the Browns the division?

Came against the Chiefs, who the tie screwed out of hosting Arrowhead's first playoff game.  (Had Nick Lowery hit ANY of his three field goal tries, the Chiefs host Houston in the Wild Card Game.  And yes, THAT is the three missed field goal game, that drives me bat sh*t crazy.  Not the obvious one -- THAT one.)

Thus concludes this fond look back at your 1989 AFC Central Division’s insanely entertaining finish.

Meanwhile, let’s head east, to the, uuh, AFC East.

Your 2016 AFC East Champion: New England Patriots.

Other 2016 AFC Postseason Participants: New York Jets.

Biggest Game: Patriots at Jets, Week Twelve.  I project Gang Green will enter this game with a better record, and two weeks to prepare.  And it’s not going to matter.

Second Biggest Game: Jets at Patriots, Week Sixteen.  If the Jets split with the Patriots, they can steal the division.  Note: they won’t.  Split or steal.

Division MVP: Bill Belichick, head coach, Patriots.  That rat b*stard is going to find a way to win this division again.

Absurd Prediction I Believe In: that the Jets will somehow survive the schedule before the bye.  I defy you to look at Week One through Week Nine and find a reason for optimism.

(Jerry Springer Voice) Stevo’s Final Thought: The Patriots have won this division 13 of the last 15 years.  That’s unreal.  (The only two years they didn’t win it since 2000: 2002 and 2008.)  To put this into perspective, here is the division championship count for 2001-2015 for every other AFC team (note: I may be off one on the AFC Norris squads; I did this off the top of my head):

Zero: Bills, Browns, Jaguars.

One: Dolphins, Jets.

Two: Chiefs, raiders, Texans, Titans.

Three: None.

Four: Ravens, Bengals.

Five: Chargers.

Six: broncos.

Seven: Steelers.

Nine: Colts.

Only two teams have won a division at least half of the time the last fifteen years, and only two more are within shouting distance of that feat.  Those four squads?

Account for thirteen of your past fifteen AFC Championships.  (The only exceptions being the 2002 raiders, and 2012 Ravens.  The raiders being the fluke; the Ravens have made the playoffs ten of the last fifteen years.)

I found that stat to be utterly incredible.

Next up, what for the last couple years has been the unquestioned worst division in football … but is definitely on the upswing, your AFC South.

Your 2016 AFC South Champion: Jacksonville Jaguars.

Other 2016 AFC Postseason Participants: none.

Reasoning / Rationale: this Jaguars team reminds me a lot – and I mean a lot – of the 2010 Chiefs.  Once that squad sprung the season opening upset, they never looked back, en route to the Chiefs first division championship in seven years.  (The Chiefs would never spend a day even tied with another squad in the West that season, their early season start was so strong.)

This year’s team ready to make the leap, in my opinion, is Jacksonville.  And look at what they get to start the season: a defining shot at a preseason Super Bowl favorite, your Green Bay Packers.

Like those 2010 Chiefs were somehow the last unbeaten standing?  Your 2016 Jaguars will be the last unbeaten team standing.

Division MVP: Blake Bortles, QB, Jaguars.  I love this kid.  I cannot wait to watch this offense in person come November 6 … even if I’m not thrilled with the predicted outcome.

Biggest Game: Texans at raiders (Mexico City), Week 11.  The winner made the postseason; the loser did not.  Flip this outcome, and Houston is going streaking!  I mean, going to the playoffs.

Second Biggest Game: none.  I have the Texans sweeping the Jaguars, and still finishing two behind them.

Absurd Prediction I Believe In: that the Jaguars will be the last unbeaten standing.  Look at those first eight folks.  Other than Green Bay at home, and here at Arrowhead, is there even remotely a surprising outcome in the list?

(Jerry Springer Voice) Stevo’s Final Thought: the last time the Jaguars hosted a playoff game, they had just ended Dan Marino’s career via a 66-3 ass kicking that remains the largest blowout in playoff history.  To the best of my recollection, the only two AFC teams who have waited longer for a home playoff game are the Bills (1996, a loss to the Jaguars) and the Browns (1994, a win over the Patriots).  The Jags are hands down the best bet of the three, to be playing at home the first weekend in January.

And now, for the final division, our AFC West.

Our 2016 AFC West Champion: Kansas City Chiefs.

Other 2016 AFC Postseason Participants: oakland raiders.

Reasoning / Rationale: I know you’ll look at the schedule run and think “holy hell, Batman!” at the Chargers and (general lee voice) "those people’s" finish to their respective seasons.  I have the Chargers collapsing after the ballot initiative fails on November 8 to replace The Murph, and I have the donkeys not necessarily collapsing, but struggling, once paxton lynch takes over the quarterback position in mid November.

Division MVP: Charcandrick West, Kansas City Chiefs.  I actually like Spencer Ware better, but I have to have one Division MVP out of left field.

Biggest Game: raiders at Chiefs, Week Fourteen.  Winner took the AFC West, and ... hang on, we'll get there.

Second Biggest Game: Jets at Chiefs, Week Three.  Had all sorts of gigantic divisional and wildcard ramifications.  Plus let’s face it – THIS is the tailgate, you don’t want to miss.

Absurd Prediction I Believe In: that contrary to what Mr. Mellinger thinks?  The Chiefs will not miss Sean Smith.  I believe in Phillip Gaines.  And I mean believe.  As in “he might make Marcus Peters’ 2015 campaign look like an underachievement” believe.

(Jerry Springer Voice) Stevo’s Final Thought: on paper, at least to open the season, I believe this is the most talented, best prepared Chiefs team of my lifetime.  I turn (mike gundy voice) forty!, two days after the regular season ends.

AFC Overall Standings:

And now, what we’ve all been waiting for … my 2016 National Football League Postseason Prognostications.  

(Sadly, still porn-star free.  Any long-time fan of Tony Bruno will understand, the porn star withdrawal portion, of these prognostications.)

* Wild Card Round.

Saturday, January 7, 2017, 3:35pm CT (ESPN): 6 Jets at 3 Jaguars.  The last time these two met in the postseason, Gang Green open a can on the Jaguars in the 1998 Divisional Round.  Expect a dramatic change in that result.

Prediction: at Jaguars 31, Jets 10.

Saturday, January 7, 2017, 7pm CT (FOX): 6 Vikings at 3 Cowboys.  I can think of three playoff matchups between these two in the last twenty years, and none of them was competitive.  In 1996, the Cowboys pole-axed the Vikings by twenty plus.  Three years later, in the last gasp of the Triplets era, the Vikings boat-raced the Cowboys by twenty plus.  And in 2009, after winning their first playoff game since that game against the Vikings thirteen years earlier, Brett Favre won his final postseason game 31-3, in a game that wasn’t even that close.

I think finally, we’re getting a competitive contest out of these two in January.

Prediction: at Cowboys 28, Vikings 24.

Sunday, January 8, 2017, noon CT (CBS): 5 raiders at 4 Ravens.  The last time these two faced off in the postseason, I was watching this game live at the Bellagio sports book, as the Ravens demolished the raiders in the 2000 AFC Championship Game.  Payback?  It is a b*tch.

Prediction: raiders 24, at Ravens 13.

Sunday, January 8, 2017, 3:25pm CT (NBC): 5 Redskins at 4 Seahawks.  These two met in the Divisional Round in 2005.  And they met again two years later in the Wild Card round, in the final game Joe Gibbs ever coached.  Both were comfortable Seahawks victories.  They met again three years ago in the Wild Card round, in the game where shanarat (stewie griffin voice) roo-eened RGIII’s career, and signed his own suicide note on his career, as a result.  Fourth time’s not going to be the charm, ‘Skins.

Prediction: at Seahawks 31, Redskins 13.

* Divisional Round.

Saturday, January 14, 2017, 3:35pm CT (FOX): 4 Seahawks at 1 Panthers.  We’ve been here before – last January, to be specific, a game in which the Panthers jumped out to a 30-0 lead and held on for dear life.  These two also met in the 2005 NFC Championship Game, a Seahawks victory.  This one is a coin flip … and I’m going with the underdog.

Prediction: Seahawks 30, at Panthers 27 (OT).

Saturday, January 14, 2017, 7pm CT (NBC): 5 raiders at 1 Patriots.  Gee, have these two hooked up in the postseason before?  In the snow?  With a controversial play that launched a dynasty? 

Prediction: raiders 27, at Patriots 24 (OT).

Sunday, January 15, 2017, noon CT (CBS): 3 Jaguars at 2 Chiefs.  If you think back to the last Fake Mailbag, I noted in one of the questions that the loss to the Jaguars (the first loss of November) would prove to be the single best thing to happen to the Chiefs season.  That reason being, it drops the Chiefs to the 2, lets oakland take out the Patriots (again – if you don’t think they will throw everything including the kitchen sink into that game, then you don’t know raider nation), and gives the Chiefs a very convenient path to the doorstep of the promised land.

Prediction: at Chiefs 35, Jaguars 30 … setting off the single greatest week of hype, anticipation, and “holy sh*t Sunday, get here already!” excitement in this city’s history.

Sunday, January 15, 2017, 3:25pm CT (FOX): 3 Cowboys at 2 Packers.  Uum, yes, please?  Pretty please?  #itwasacatch

Prediction: Cowboys 27, at Packers 17.  Another “Mike McCarthy sh*ts himself on national television” special!

* The NFC Championship.

Sunday, January 22, 2017, 2pm CT (FOX): 4 Seahawks at 3 Cowboys.  Tony Romo has learned how to handle a snap on a field goal, ten years later.  

(Pause).

Too bad for Tony it won’t matter.

Prediction: Seahawks 28, at Cowboys 13.

NFC Champions: Your Seattle Seahawks.

* The AFC Championship.

Sunday, January 22, 2017, 5:20pm CT (CBS): 5 raiders at 2 Chiefs.  Oh boy.  Oooooh boy.  Ooooooooooh boy!

You want tradition?  You got it.

You want hated rivals?  You got it.

You want defining moments of a season?  You got it!

(Pause).  (Double Pause).

Yeah, this is big enough to justify a capital R.

Raiders!  Chiefs!  Terrorhead!  AFC Championship On The Line!  Sh*t folks, we might even tolerate "Jeem" Nantz and Phil Simms for this one, it's so huge!

I mean, consider:

Y2K Bowl.  The raiders final game in LA (1994).  Arrowhead’s first playoff game (1991).  DT’s eight sack game to open 1998.  Marty’s first Chiefs victory in Week Two 1989 … and Marty’s final Chiefs victory, to close 1998.  LJ having the diapers taken off in 2005.  tim brown tackled at the goalline in 2003.  Jarrad Page’s INT in 2006.  Art Shell Sumo Wrestling.  “Doesn’t matter – he’ll make it!” in 1999.  Christmas Night 2004. 

Len Dawson vs ben davidson.  The Final AFL Game.  Andre Rison burning al davis’ house down in 1997.  “He’s all class, except without the c, and without the l”.  “Not now, Carl. / Then not ever, al.”  Marcus Allen turning his back on the silver and black … and Tom Flores turning his back on the Red and Gold.  The Chiefs collapse in 2010 … and the raiders collapse in 2003, that sparked “Sur” William Callahan to note “we have to be the dumbest football team in America!”  (You’ll get no argument here, “Sur” Willy.  No argument at all, “sur”.)

The 007 slapper mode style showdown in the sleet in 1990 (a 9-7 Chiefs victory) … and the Monsoon Bowl to close out 2002 (a 24-0 raiders win in a torrential downpour).  “Just keep it close men; they’ll find a way to lose! They’re the raiders!”

And of course … “I HATE YOU FRED!!!!!!” 

Nah, this one won’t have any sense of history, nostalgia, or hype to it whatsoever.

(late edit: I somehow forgot this.  I pray I'm still in the will.  Jesus, no game has ever hit me as raw, as that one did.)

Prediction: at Chiefs 19, raiders 9.  Oh – and we’re going to have to rename the Truman Sports Complex to Lake Arrowhead sometime that night.  

The tears of joy from every Chiefs fan there that night? 

Is going to flood every damned inch of that place?

To (reggie jackson voice) second f*cking base, of Kauffman Stadium next door.

And when you throw in mine, flowing from 132, 26, 16 to boot?

(stevo voice) center f*cking field.

AFC Champions: Our Kansas City Chiefs.

* The Super Bowl.

Seattle Seahawks vs Kansas City Chiefs.

I want to.  I really, really, really want to.

But just like the Royals first crack at the glass ceiling came up ninety feet of cracks short … the Chiefs first shot at the Lombardi in my lifetime, falls just a lil’ incomplete.

Prediction: Seahawks 31, Chiefs 30.

2016 NFL Champions: Your Seattle Seahawks.

The picks for Week Uno, and the Tailgating Plans, should be up by Friday.  And as an upfront to the fine folks who run Gates Six and Seven: if you want a war?  We're bringing one.  

You'll tow The Bus -- OUR BUS! -- that you PROUDLY advertise on your site, to purchase parking:

Over my dead body.