Saturday, September 17, 2016

week two: deep in the (bowels) of texas ...

“Take that look of worry –
Mine’s an ordinary life.
Working when there’s daylight,
And sleeping when it’s night.

I’ve got no far horizons;
I don’t wish upon a star.
They don’t think that I listen?
But I know who they are!

And I?
I don’t mind.
No, I?
I don’t mind.

Oh I?
I don’t mind.
No – I?
I don’t mind!

So take?
Take me home!
‘Cause I don’t remember?
Take!  Take me home!

‘Cause I don’t remember!
Take!  Take me home!
‘Cause I don’t remember!
Take!  Take me home!

Oh Lord!

Well I’ve been a prisoner all my life!
And I can say to you –

I don’t remember!
Take!  Take me home!
‘Cause I don’t remember!
Take!  Take me home!

‘Cause I don’t remember!
Take!  Take me home!
Because I don’t remember!
Take!  Take me home!!!!!!!!!!!! …”


Last Week SU: 7-9-0.
Season to Date SU: 7-9-0.

Last Week ATS: 7-9-0.
Season to Date SU: 7-9-0.

Last Week’s Upset O’ The Week: covered!
Season to Date Upset / Week SU: 0-1-0.
Season to Date Upset / Week ATS: 1-0-0.
This Week’s Upset O’ The Week: Eagles (+3) over Bears. 

Last Week’s SUCK: you asked, I delivered!
Season to Date SUCK: 1-0-0 *
This Week’s SUCK: raiders (-5) to absolutely depants the “Shane” Falcons.  The evil empire is going to make the Falcons sweat, curse, and regret showing up more?  Then me at Mass.


(*: the SUCK gets credit for being wrong, since it’s my favorite bet on the board, and I am the worst professional football prognosticator you’ll ever read.  Last week I said Seattle would pole-axe Miami.  I hope you got a few extra Chrismukkah gifts for the kids, and some Hormel chili for the dog, by loading up on the Dolphins.)


The Non-Jets, Non-Chiefs Predictions:

* Bengals 28 (+3), at Steelers 24.  Wayne Allyn Root Memorial Contrarian Game O’ The Week.

* at Lions 31 (-6), Titans 6ALF Game O’ The Week.

* Ravens 17 (-6), at Browns 0Hit it!

* at Redskins 24 (-3), Cowboys 20.  Second toughest game on the board to pick.  Not sold on this at all.

* Saints 52 (+4 ½), at Giants 49.  Please God, somehow, let this rematch be even greater than their shootout at the Dome last November.  Please.

* at Panthers 49 (-14), 49ers 3.  Good God, how awful are the Rams? 

* at Patriots 27 (-6 ½), Dolphins 10Webster Game O’ The Week.  And yeah, this one is not going to be competitive or watchable, at all.  If anything, I’ve given the Pats at least ten too few points, and the Dolphins at least ten too many.

* at Rams 16 (+6 ½), Seahawks 13Don’t ask me why.

* Buccaneers 31 (+7), at “Super” Cardinals 21.  Just seems right.

* Jaguars 34 (+3), at “Super” Chargers 21.  The Jags have never won in San Diego.  There’s a first time for everything.  (That’s what she said!)

* at raiders 45 (-5), “Shane” Falcons 7.  They can’t make this line high enough.  It could be forty, and I’d still contemplate laying the points.  The raiders are for real.  The “Shane” Falcons are the NFC’s worst team.  And I’m fully aware the Rams play in the NFC.

* Colts 41 (+6), at satan’s squad 24.  I wanted to make this my official Upset O’ The Week, but I want this outcome to happen too much, to doom it.  Look it, those people lose that opener to Carolina 9 times out of 10 playing like they did.  They’ll lose 10 out of 10 to the Colts if those people play on Sunday, like they did last Thursday.  Which they will (lose).  Because they will (play like the worst team in the stadium).  #neverdenver

* at Vikings 27 (+3), Packers 24 (OT).  The Vikings better win this one.  Green Bay doesn’t play away from Lambeau after Sunday night?  Until Halloween.  And no, that is not a typo – four straight home games and the bye.  Absolutely ridiculous.

* Eagles 27 (+3), at Bears 10.  You want to know how little the NFL thinks of Monday Night Football?  They give us this matchup, between two squads going nowhere anytime soon.  You REALLY want to know how little the NFL thinks of Monday Night Football?  Jeff Triplette is your ref for this one

The Fab Five:

A fond (or not so fond) look back at the five biggest moments in Texans / Chiefs history.

5. Marcus Peters’ first pass defended in his career, is returned to the house, to give the Chiefs a lead they’d never relinquish, Week One 2015.  God bless, did this set the tone for what one assumed would be a glorious 11-5 season, culminating in the first playoff victory in 22 years.  (Pause).  Wait, what?  It did?  Well who’d have thunk it! 

(Certainly not me.  Leaving wherever the hell the Vikings played last year, to drop to 1-5, I believe the exact text I sent was “unlike the team across the parking lot, these guys quit every chance they get”.  Whoops!)

4. A last second field goal drops the Chiefs to 0-3, Week Three 2004.  The last day of Chiefs football as I – and so many of you – were raised to know it.  It seems unimaginable it’s been twelve years.

3. LJ graduates to boxers, Week Eleven 2005.  Former Chiefs coach Dick Vermeil jokingly referred to having to “take the diapers” off Larry Johnson entering the 2005 season.  After graduating to briefs in the raiders game in Week Eight, LJ arrived on this Sunday night – 36 carries, 211 yards, 2 touchdowns, and the Chiefs won a laugher 45-17, to keep their playoff hopes alive, entering the defining homestand of 2005: the Patriots … and satan’s squad.  One of the funnest three week stretches of my fanhood of this team, that’s for sure.

2. Dante Hall to the house, Week Three 2003.  I ask this with all sincerity: has any special teamer in NFL history had a greater season, than Dante Hall had in 2003?  Four straight games, Dante had a punt or kick returned for a touchdown – Week Two against Pittsburgh, Week Three against Houston, Week Four against the Ravens (it was the game winner), and Week Five against satan’s squad (ditto – and the second greatest kick return in Chiefs franchise history.  Sorry Dante – you ain’t topping my favorite play of all time, Tamarick Vanover against the Chargers in 1995.  Although the top moment to come, might have been bigger than either your or Mr. Vanover’s returns.)  

Or as Ryan so perfectly nailed it:

(section 123, nrg reliant stadium)
(ryan) He’s taking this to the house.
(me) Jesus dude, you are hammered!
(ryan) (grabs my t-shirt)
(ryan) (shouting into my face) He’s taking this?  To the mother f*cking house!
(me) (somewhat frightened) ok.

Fifteen seconds later:

(ryan) I told you!  I f*cking told you!
(ryan and stevo) (massive man hug)

Ain’t we lucky we got ‘em?  Good times!!!!

Inside Mixology:

A fond look into why one of songs to appear on Mixology, uuh, appears.

This week’s song?

The tradition – as best I can remember – started Week Four 2008, when after 344 days of utter and total nonstop defeat, the Chiefs gave a performance for the ages, beating the donkeys to end a twelve game losing streak.  When I finally made it back to The Bus, this was the first song that popped on the cd in the stereo.  (Note: was it really only eight years ago CD’s drove the music, and not my phone?  Holy sh*tballs Batman!)

I thought it was perfect.  “Oh what a feeling!”  And so, for every Chiefs victory since, the first song that will play for the postgame music, is “Dancing On The Ceiling”.  And for every Chiefs victory that feels wrapped up entering the home stretch, many of you will begin to get a series of texts that always start with:

“What is happening here”


“Something’s going on, but it’s not quite clear”

Followed by:

“Somebody turn out the lights”

And as I exit the stadium:

“We’re gonna have a party?  Starting tonight!”

(Admit it, you are dying to sing the lyrics out loud at this point.  It’s ok.  I’ll join you!)

Oh!  What a feeling!
When we’re dancing on the ceiling!
Oh!  What a feeling!
When we’re dancing on the ceiling!

You’re welcome.  Just please apologize to the person in the stall next to you, for channeling your inner Lionel Richie these last ten seconds.  He / she / whatever the f*ck he/she thinks he/she is?  Will thank you for it.

The “Klassy” Kevin Keitzman Tweet O’ The Week:

This week’s is a retweet … and I wish I’d seen it first, to uuh, retweet it:


Jesus God Above, 

I’d kill at this point to move back.

The Jets Fling It And Hope It Sticks Best Guess:

Hey, I nailed this one!

The Chiefs Prognostication:

On my sixteenth birthday (that would be January 3, 1993), the Kansas City Chiefs traveled to San Diego, to face the “Super Chargers” in a Wild Card round game.  The “Super” Chargers were like the 2015 Chiefs – they opened horribly … only to rally to 11-5, and won the AFC West.  (The 1992 “Super” Chargers are the only team in NFL history to open 0-4, and make the playoffs.)  The 1992 Chiefs weren’t terrible – they went 10-6, beat a few decent squads along the way … and swept the “Super” Chargers.  (The only game San Diego lost after Week Four, was at Arrowhead.)

And I still recall – because we were running an illegal gambling pool through study hall, after all – that “The Voice of Reason” picked the Chiefs to lose.  

I was stunned.  

Fifteen / sixteen year old me couldn’t believe it.  “How can you root against us dude?” I probably said.

I do, however, remember the response.

“The hardest thing in football is to beat a team three times in one year”.

That is the task the Chiefs face Sunday – beating the Texans for the third time in a year.

With all three games being staged in what is still the finest facility I’ve ever set foot in for a football game **, NRG Reliant Stadium.

(**: wow, it took this long to get a second *?  I’m impressed!  Anyways, for football, it’s the best facility / setup I’ve been in.  And I’ve been to about thirty percent of the facilities still in use.  That number dropped significantly because I’ve now been to two – two! – stadiums the Vikings have played in, that are no longer in use, for NFL football, as of Sunday night.)

Winning three times, against the same team, in their building, in twelve months?

In baseball, basketball, hockey, soccer, possibly jai alai, (fidelity ad guy voice) why not?

But in football?


Just like with the Presidential Election?

There’s only one credible pick I can make for this game.

And that pick is for th – (pause).  What?  (Pause).  What the hell do you mean, I just got an urgent text!  Who the hell texts me as I’m typing up the picks, knowing what the pick is going to be, Mrs. Stevo’s Site Numero Dos Non-Existent Editor Dudette?  What, are you angling for the Never Going To Happen Ombudsman Position?

(Pause).  Fine, send it through.

(damien voice) You forgot five words tito, in your Upset O’ The Week pick.
(stevo voice) I did?
(damien voice) The Chiefs are underdogs, tito.  (Pause).  Where the f*ck are those five words?

(Pause).  Wait, how do you send a (pause) through a text?

Well, anyway.  What counts is this:

Those five words?

They’re right here, dude.

The Chiefs Prediction?

(stevo sighing in disgust). 

(stevo stating the obvious five words voice).

Take a mother f*cking guess.

* Chiefs (+2) 34, Texans 13.

And a (cameo voice) word up, to everyone regarding next week: 

This is the tailgate?  

You don’t want to miss!  

We have Jets fans coming in from Jersey.  The Chica is allegedly coming.  (Insert your "that's what he/she said joke here.)  

Trust me -- she'll laugh at it.  


(brett voice) Aw!  Sh*t!  I just opened up another "insert joke here" line into this post!)  

And we have an extra three hours to get “properly medicated”, thanks to our good friends at the NFL Schedule Guru Headquarters, and at CBS, for giving us the late national game slot against … (brett voice) Aw!  Sh*t!  We face the Jets! 

(stevo voice) Do I wear the Jets hat or not …

Stay tuned for that painful decision.  (Pause).  Which really isn't painful.

Not nearly as much, as this must be:

#NEVERdenver #nevertrump



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