you take the good!

“You take the bad!
You take them both,
And then you have,
The Facts of Life!
The Facts of Life! …”

-------------------------

So I get home tonight … and notice that for some reason, a “NCIS” rerun on USA recorded for me. Not sure why – it wasn’t a “classic” episode, it wasn’t a new episode. But it recorded. So, that got me thinking.

I have some rules in life. (Like Gibbs on “NCIS”). And I think its high damned time I lay out these rules.

So, here you go. The Steve Rules of Life. Some of these are Steve originals, some of these are adopted from friends, family, and loved ones. And some are just quotations worth living life by. Good grief, I need a psych evaluation …

“The Steve Rules of Life”, version 1.0 (copyright August 3, 2010; first updated August 8, 2010):

1. Any day that is hot enough, that the thought of putting on a t-shirt seems like the most retarded idea in recorded human history, is a perfect weather day.

2. “Herb is a gift from the Earth / And what’s from the Earth is of the greatest worth / So before you knock it, try it first / And you’ll see it’s a blessing, and not a curse / If you don’t like my fire, then don’t come around / Cause I’m gonna burn one down, I’m gonna burn one down” – Ben Harper.

3. The family that drinks together, stays together. And …

4. It is never too early for the first drink of the day.

5. You can have freedom, or you can have security. You cannot have both.

6. The funniest word in the English language is “dingy”.

7. You never know who your real friends are until they have no financially motivated reason to hang around you.

8. There is no event in life that cannot be tailgated.

9. You can never go wrong with monkeys and/or midgets.

10. There is no sexier accessory a chick can have than the diamond nose stud. The pierced naval is a damned close second though.

11. Organized religion is the cause of 95% of the world’s problems. It is the solution to none of the world’s problems.

12. Oakland is the ass crack of America, and Buffalo is the arm pit of America. Detroit is either the nasal drainage or toe jam; the issue is still unsettled.

13. Hoyt and Frank are the two greatest reporters in television history. This is not even up for debate.

14. There is no chill-inducing moment in sports quite like when the PA system starts blaring “In The Air Tonight” by Phil Collins as the sun begins to set at Arrowhead. The walk in for a prime-time game is as inspirational as it gets.

15. The worst day imaginable for tailgating, is still better than the best day imaginable in the office.

16. If terrorists strike the stadium while the oakland raiders and denver broncos are playing each other, it is not a national tragedy. It is cause for a national celebration.

17. Anyone who relies on FOX News as their primary source of information, is someone that is severely misinformed about the issues of the day. Also …

18. Any person who actually believes what Sean Hannity says, needs a mental health evaluation.

19. Al Gore’s acceptance speech at the 2000 DNC is the greatest political speech of my lifetime.

20. “NYPD Blue” is the greatest show in television history. Also …

21. “Hearts and Souls” is the greatest single episode in television history.

22. Most of the time, one person really can’t make a difference. Sad, but true.

23. The best movie ever made is “Saturday Night Fever”. Anyone who thinks otherwise, has never seen the film in its unedited entirety.

24. The only three holidays worth celebrating are the Fourth of July, Christmas, and 420. Everything else is a Hallmark-ed up waste of time. Except maybe your birthday, that’s still an unsettled issue.

25. The only white wine I enjoy every time I have it, is Relax Riesling. Conversely, it takes a lot for me to dislike a red.

26. If you ever find yourself asking “what matters more to me, the person or the money”, the answer is sadly “the money”.

27. “And in the end, the love you take, is equal to the love you make” – The Beatles.

28. Sometimes, the best night out … is opting to stay in.

29. The phrase “Coyote Ugly” was created with The Eclipse in Raytown in mind.

30. The best section at Arrowhead is section 132.

31. It’s not officially summer until I’m tossing washers, with a frosty cold beverage in hand, wondering what the hell happened to my t-shirt. Which reminds me …

32. If it’s hot enough, it is perfectly acceptable to take your shirt off in public. Especially if you’re an attractive female.

33. The only sports talk radio host worth listening to on a daily basis is Tony Bruno.

34. The surest sign you’re making a mistake is when someone drops the “you’d have to be mentally retarded or named Steve to do that” blast on your decision.

35. Flyovers are the single biggest waste of taxpayer dollars known to mankind. Also …

36. Strip clubs are the single biggest waste of non-taxpayer dollars known to mankind.

37. “Poker? I didn’t even kiss her!” is the joke that never fails to crack me up.

38. The most underrated television show in history is “Hunter”.

39. The funniest catch phrase ever is “its penal in nature”, by “The Judge” Bill Pidto.

40. The best judges of the love of your life, are your closest friends. If they can’t stand her / him, you should immediately begin finding a way to end it.

41. I have no doubt there is a God. I just question whether or not he gives a sh*t about me most of the time.

42. You cannot legislate morality. You can, however, legislate insanity. The religious right will always attempt to do both.

43. “Noone does it alone, kiddo. You needed all of them, and they needed you. To remember. And to let go” – Christian Shepherd, “Lost” finale.

44. Realizing you support a losing cause does not make you a loser. It makes you a true believer.

45. If you can’t laugh at yourself, brace for everyone laughing at you.

46. If you aren’t going at least 10 miles over the speed limit, you have no business being in the far left lane of the freeway.

47. Two things you never want to be: a one legged guy in an ass kicking contest, and … well, really, there’s not much worse than being a one legged guy in an ass kicking contest.

As new rules are added, this list will be updated. But I think that’s a pretty good start …

(tony bruno voice) we have an update! Let's go to your update desk and your new update host, the lovely Lisa, for a couple new rules!

48. Anytime you are asked to appear on the "Maury" show as a guest, it is not going to end well.

49. Anytime your weekend begins by seeing "the wife" for the first time in a year, and ends by floating on a gigantic beyond-life-sized Miller Lite beer cap, is a weekend worth reliving. Oh, and ...

50. Anytime "the ex" and "the crush / the wife / Christ I'm running out of nicknames to put in quotation marks at this point", anytime they are discussing, uuh, enhancing their figure, in earshot of you, its a good thing. And one more:

51. Anytime you say "I came to my senses about (insert significant other here) when I quit drinking", you might want to rethink dating said person in the first place. Its called a "reality check" for a reason.