Another week, another live eviction tonight. Only on "Big Brother". Only ... on CBS!
(And Showtime. And the 24/7 camera feeds.)
Here's this week's Likeability Poll, version 4.0!
(julie chen voice) But first! A quick update about 350,001 this weekend!
The fun starts at approximately 3pm. We will be tailgating in the grassy area behind Lots B & C. The easiest way to get there, is to come in Gate 2 off of Blue Ridge Cutoff. Once you go through the payment gates, turn left, so that you are headed south. Once you (pretty much immediately) cross over the bridge, we will be right there, on the right side. There's a ramp a little farther down the road that you can get over the curb with, if you're particular about potentially scratching the undercarriage of the car.
Brent is bringing a keg of Bud Light. If you want to join him in downing it, feel free to chip in a couple bucks to help defer the costs. The resident Jello Shot maker has her marching orders, so expect a healthy selection of those delicious treats to choose from. Also, given the fact that it's gonna be a perfect Steve Day (aka "hot as f*cking hell), we're not grilling anything. Instead, feel free to bring a side dish or something to munch on, and we'll do it up buffet style.
Hope to see y'all there. In fact, I can think of at least seven Steve Rules that explain why you need to show up:
1. Any day that is hot enough, that the thought of putting on a t-shirt seems like the dumbest idea in the history of mankind, is my kind of day!
2. You can't drink all day ... unless you start first thing in the morning.
3. The worst possible day of tailgating, is still greater than the best possible day in the office.
4. The family that drinks together, stays together.
5. It is never too early for the first drink of the day.
6. It is not officially summer until I am playing washers, with a shot in one hand, a libation in the other, wondering where in the hell my t-shirt disappeared to. And of course ...
7. Anytime you have an opportunity to watch Dusty dance to Usher, you have to take advantage of that. "oh oh oh oh! oh oh oh my god! ..."
With that out of the way, let's hit the rankings!
13. Annie (3.0: 13. 2.0: 6. 1.0: 5). First evicted, first forgotten. Please, CBS, do NOT resurrect the "Staboteur". Please. I'm begging you. If you want to bring back a past houseguest like Jeff, I'm all for that. But please, don't bring back Annie. Thanks.
12. Monet (3.0: 11. 2.0: 12. 1.0: 11). Second evicted, second forgotten. Please, CBS, do NOT bring this former houseguest back into the game. Please. I'm begging you. She was an AWFUL contestant, did nothing but lie around and bitch and moan. No fights, no sex, no drama. Didn't even drink for God's sake. Please, let her go home and end her fifteen minutes on the national stage. Thanks.
11. Andrew (3.0: 12. 2.0: 13. 1.0: 8). Its a coin flip at this point between him and Kathy for who's going home tonight. God, I hope its Andrew. To his credit, he did start the first "fight" in the house a couple days ago, a solid verbal throwdown with Kristen. But then ... he apologized for what he said, and was crying. Are you sh*tting me? A good point raised at Hamster Watch though -- for someone as "religious" as Andrew is, why the hell did he play for the PoV on the Sabbath? And why isn't he demanding kosher slop for the week as a have-not? (If they make kosher baby food. I assume they do?) Anyways, I am not a fan of this guy. Let's send him packing, houseguests.
10. Enzo (3.0: 7. 2.0: 2. 1.0: 6). Still rock solid with the one line comebacks, but he's not really doing anything. Hell, none of the houseguests are, save for the sex. That the producers refuse to air. Come on! What's up with that! You're on Showtime! for Christ's sake. No need to edit the 1am feeds!
9. Rachel (3.0: 6. 2.0: 11. 1.0: 9). Must. Go. Home. As. Soon. As. F*cking. Possible. Holy cow, is she annoying. I can see why she's a VIP hostess in Vegas though -- she is reasonably attractive, has a humongous rack, and has no problems with hooking up with complete strangers. I'd lay 3:2 odds that Eldrick T. was a former client of hers.
8. Kathy (3.0: 8. 2.0: 9. 1.0: 7). The other resident Big Brother fan, my buddy Gregg, can't stand her. I don't have a feeling one way or another about her. If she survives tonight's vote -- a 50/50 proposition -- I could see a Final Four run in her. On the other hand, she's just about the most bland, boring, nothing-going-for-her houseguest ever, so losing her tonight wouldn't be a bad thing. Other than, you know, it would keep Andrew around for at least another week.
7. Hayden (3.0: 1. 2.0: 1. 1.0: 1). Having a horrible week, although kudos for being the one to bag Kristen. I'll give him this -- when you think of the stereotype for "self-absorbed jock", he lives up to it.
6. Kristen (3.0: 5. 2.0: 4. 1.0: 2). She's trending backwards, and that sucks, because she is by far and away the hottest chick in the house. The problem is, she brings nothing else to the table. You can make a valid argument there's a legitimate hole in her head between her ears.
5. Lane (3.0: 10. 2.0: 10. 1.0: 10). The guy has a great sense of humor. Not as funny as Britney or Matt, but give BB12 some credit -- they cast legitimately funny people for the most part, and the two psychos with no personality were the first two shown the door.
4. Ragan (3.0: 4. 2.0: 5. 1.0: 13). Without question, the funniest token gay guy this show has ever cast. His comment the other night about how "in LA, all the male gay bars have obvious names, like Big Dick Country or Drop a Load, but in Phoenix, they're all questionable, like Rumours or Passion, so how's a gay guy in Phoenix supposed to know what the gay bars are and what the lesbo bars are" had me rolling on the couch in laughter. Of course, that was followed up by ...
3. Britney (3.0: 3. 2.0: 7. 1.0: 12). Noting that "well, I'm not as valuable as a chicken, because I only produce an egg once a month". I don't get why people are against this girl. She's funny, she's got that southern accent that I love, she's blonde, she's reasonably attractive, she seems kind of easy, I mean, if she had the little nose stud thingy, I'd probably be sprung the entire time she's on my computer or television screen. Wait, did I just say that out loud?
2. Brendan (3.0: 2. 2.0: 3. 1.0: 4). I like the guy. I know most in the blogosphere don't. Hamster Watch is openly rooting against him and Rachel at this point. Morty's usually has a few cheap shot comments about him every day. But he brings three things to the table none of the other contestants seem capable of at this point. (1) He has no problems having sex on camera. (2) He has no problems getting sh*t faced drunk every night. And (3) He has no problems assuming the Eddie role from Big Brother 1, and crossing the line between angry lover and potentially homicidal person. His semi-drunk, semi-enraged "embrace" of Rachel on Tuesday night was kinda creepy. In a "wait, if he actually assaults her, and I cheer because I hate her more than him, am I going to hell? Nah ..." kind of way.
1. Matt (3.0: 9. 2.0: 8. 3.0: 3). FINALLY, he lives up to the potential. A great week as HoH, as he has manipulated the vote (apparently) to where it will end in a tie, ensuring he truly does control who goes home. The HoH package was epic, as his wife played along with the "I'm seriously ill" lie about herself that Matt has unleashed. And as Hamster Watch noted, its not too soon to haul out the Dr. Will comparisons. Another couple weeks of this, he might join Dr. Will, Danielle, and Boogie on the Mount Rushmore of Great BB Players.
OK, a few other things that have been rattling around in my brain lately, but I don't have enough to say about them (probably) to justify a second post:
* Anyone in the state of Kansas, who is a registered Republican, and who votes next Tuesday, and casts their vote for Todd Tiahrt, needs to see a mental health professional in a hurry.
Todd Tiahrt is the WORST kind of conservative imaginable. Its bad enough he's running on the same failed economic ideals that bankrupted the nation, collapsed the housing and credit markets, and took a $500 billion surplus and turned it into a $1.8 trillion debt in less than a decade. That, I can stomach, because the Keynesian approach that people like the President and myself favor isn't exactly working right now either.
What irritates me about people like Todd Tiahrt, is that they prey on the lowest common denominator, and then celebrate it. Mr. Tiahrt isn't interested in solutions, he's interested in boogeymen scare tactics. Case in point -- illegal immigration. Anyone who thinks the solution is to punish the children of the illegals, is criminally nuts. First of all, most children of illegal immigrants are LEGAL citizens. That's why their folks came here in the first place -- to give their kid(s) a better life in a country that they could officially call home. But setting aside the argument of "they're breaking the law by just being here" that I honestly have no legitimate rebuttal to, my question to people who think like Mr. Tiahrt is simply. What the hell do we gain as a society by not helping the children, again, most of them being legal citizens, what the hell do we gain as a society by denying them access to higher education because of their parents immigration status?
Do we really want a nation of retards that can't think, can't write, can't interact with differing segments of society? Actually, don't answer that, I truly believe most conservative politicians do want a nation of retards that simply says "Praise Jesus" every Sunday as they pass the collection plate around in a house of approved worship. But seriously, Mr. Tiahrt. What the hell does denying the next generation access to the greatness that this nation offers, how does that help ANYONE?
Then again, helping people isn't a Todd Tiahrt priority. He voted against extending unemployment benefits under some misguided notion of "fiscal responsibility". He voted against health insurance reform, because apparently allowing the true freeloaders of this society (people who access something with no intention or capability to pay -- aka "the uninsured receiving medical treatment") to flourish while the responsible among us (aka "the insured") pay for their recklessness is a good idea. Christ, this is a guy who actually opposed government funding of abortion (the rare position I actually agree with Mr. Tiahrt on) ... by noting that if tax-payer funded abortion had existed fifty years ago, Barack Obama might not have been born. (No, I did NOT make that last statement up. Here's your link).
THIS is the man most prominent conservative organizations and politicians are lining up behind to support?
(usher voice) oh oh oh oh ... oh oh oh my God.
The sad thing is, the man Mr. Tiahrt seeks to replace, Senator Brownback, is the EXACT type of conservative I can support. He doesn't play partisan politics with the issues. He votes his conscience, even if it goes against what the conservative movement wants. (Case in point: co-sponsoring the nomination of Kathleen Sebelius for HHS Secretary. Conservatives went ape sh*t crazy because (gasp!) Mrs. Sebelius is pro-choice, and by God, your stance on abortion determines your intellectual capability of performing the duties of your office! Senator Brownback, to his eternal credit, dismissed that argument as the ridiculous nonsense that it is, and correctly surmised that a former governor and insurance commissioner was qualified for a secretary position).
Tuesday Kansas, don't f*ck this up. Elect Jerry Moran. I might not agree with him any more than I do Mr. Tiahrt, but at least Jerry Moran is a principled conservative. I can live with them in office. What we don't need is another sleazy opportunist who preys on fear and hate to get elected. Speaking of which ...
* Charlie Rangel just needs to go away. If he's guilty of even one of the numerous ethics charges leveled against him, he should resign. The fact that Speaker Pelosi would rather tolerate a sleazeball like Chuck, rather than force him out the door, is yet another reason why we're losing the House this fall. (Joining the primary one, "no ball leadership").
I mean seriously, Chuckie. Let's run through the KNOWN allegations, now that you've been indicted on not one, not two, not even ten, but thirteen! different counts of ethics violations. Using official Congressional stationary to solicit donations for a center built for you on a SUNY campus? Check. Using a rent-controlled apartment as your campaign headquarters? Check. Failing to pay taxes on not one, not two, but three properties in the Dominican Republic? Check. Failure to report rental income for NINE YEARS on numerous properties (all while you manage your campaigns out of a RENT CONTROLLED FACILITY!?!?) Check.
Violating the 1989 Ethics Reform Act, the Postal Service Laws, and Government Service codes? Check, check, check.
Holy cow, is this guy a piece of work or what? Good grief. At least when Republicans have ethics lapses, its usually sexual in nature. Those, I can see. I can even somewhat rationalize them. I even fully support refusing to resign over a sex scandal, because your ability to perform in bed (and who you perform with) has NOTHING to do with your ability to govern.
But thirteen ethics violations, NONE of them involving legal yet questionable acts? Yeah. Not even I can find a way to spin that into a positive.
* If you believe the rumors, former Cowboys coach and NFL on FOX analyst Jimmy Johnson is going to be on "Survivor" this fall. Can that show get any more awesome? I can't wait for the first "How 'bout them Toucatins Tribe!" post-challenge speech.
That, and what will his luxury item be? The hair gel, or the Extenze? Tough, tough call ...
* People ripping the President for daring to enjoy some time off in the summer, really need to chill out. What is Barry supposed to do, float out to the rig, use some scuba gear, and cap the damned thing himself? Fly over to Afghanistan, grab a sub-machine gun, and go Rambo on some terrorists? He's doing the best he can. I don't agree with everything he is doing, but not even the most gifted and brilliant mind in the world could dig us out from the mess of the Bush years overnight. If the guy wants to take a couple hours off to play nine holes, you won't hear any bitching about it from me.
* Having said that, I freaking LOVE that Barry, in his own words, was "not invited" to Chelsea Clinton's wedding.
* I also do not believe for even 1/10,000th of a second the allegations against former Vice President Al Gore. I mean, come on. Al Gore as a groping, philandering, crazed sex addict? Are you kidding me? That's about as believable as a night of fun involving me, a stripper, a cripple, and a chick with a mustache. Let's just move on. Because there's a huge part of me that just refuses to believe anything negative about the man who invented the Internet, and would have saved Social Security by putting the funds in a lockbox, and was too f*cking stupid to hire an attorney who would press for a recount of every valid vote cast in the state of Florida, not just the ones cast in a few heavily Democratic precincts, ensuring the Supreme Court would have to intervene to stop some shady shenanigans from going down.
* "Jersey Shore" returns tonight! In a related development, American culture just took another flush down the proverbial toilet.
* "Real Housewives of New Jersey" just keeps getting better every week. In a related development, that trickle of crap caused by the proverbial toilet flush just became a geyser. Man, last week's episode was great. We finally meet the only man in America delusional / desperate / completely-devoid-of-self-esteem bat sh*t crazy enough to marry Danielle. We see a woman in Danielle who in the past three months, has (1) released a sex tape, (2) been showing receiving her fourth boob job, and (3) may or may not have done some carpet munching, proclaim herself to be the "greatest mom in the world". The reason for this revelation? Two fold. (1) Her sixteen year old daughter decided to give away any money she got at the lavish, over-the-top Sweet Sixteen party for her "to charity". And (2) her eleven year old daughter, who in no way, shape, or form is prepared or ready for showbiz, was forced to perform at said Sweet Sixteen party by Danielle. And "perform" is being generous -- this was a train wreck. She has no voice for singing, the song was retarded even by "Housewives" standards (this is the series that gave us the epic "Money Can't Buy You Class", after all), and the dress she wore, I mean, there's only one way to describe it. (good ol jr voice) Good God! That's ... that's Mayim Bialik's "Blossom" music!
Then there's Albie, the guy too stupid to make it in law school, deciding to become a cop instead of fulfilling his natural calling -- as a doorman at the Brownstone. Or as a towel boy at Christophuh's car wash. I mean, really? A dude who can't maintain a 1.0 in college making a successful career in law enforcement? We'll never see that happen, right?
(ka boom boom ching!)
And in the previews for next week, we see the (sarcasm voice) lovely, vivacious, not-a-visible-sign-of-multiple-face-lifts-anywhere Kim G. finally reach her breaking point with Danielle, calling her a "classless b*tch" with "square fake titties", before chucking a napkin into Danielle's lap and storming off in a fit of rage. I'd be careful there Kimmy -- this is a woman who just pressed charges against Ashley for "pulling out my extensions". She's not all there. Not sure you wanna mess with her. Especially since she employs a dude in Danny as her bodyguard who has the "30 to life face" because, well, he served 30 to life in the New Jersey penal system.
(Although you gotta love it when an argument reaches a point where the accusation of having "square fake titties" is hurled. Seriously, that's just awesome. Forget the usual insults, you know, like "you're a f*cking tool!" Or "you're a whore". Or "you're a classless bitch". Nope, now the gold standard has to be "you have square fake titties". Seriously, a sixty something woman dropping the phrase "square fake titties" on someone. I can so NOT see my mom doing that. Which is why (thankfully) I never have to fear seeing my family on "The Real Housewives of Johnson County". Thank God for small favors).
* However, speaking of an aspect of culture that is thankfully still alive, well, relevant, and worth an hour of your time every week, I give you "Friday Night Lights". I know, the little show that could. The show that nobody watches (because NBC has buried it with a 7pm CT Friday night time slot in the summer). My favorite show on television (now that "Lost" has departed).
I don't want to give away any major storylines, because you should either go to nbc.com and catch up on the season, or buy the season when the DVD set comes out next month. This season has totally blown away season one, which might be my favorite season of any TV show ever. Its beyond epic television.
(Oh hell, who am I kidding. Nobody's gonna take me up on the request and watch it, so ...)
So far this season, we've seen QB1 Saracen's father killed in Iraq, and the mess that the fallout of his death entails. How do you mourn a man you hate, a man who abandoned you and his own mother because he couldn't handle her declining capacities? We've seen QB1 Saracen walk away from it all, head off to Chicago, crushing Julie. We've seen Coach deal with moving from the plush facility of Dillon, to the inner city of East Dillon. We've seen Vince deal with his drug-addicted mother, finally getting her the help she needs ... by resorting to a life of crime. We've seen him shot at, his best friend gunned down in a robbery gone bad. We've seen Luke deal with an addition to pain killers. Riggins and company have the law begin to come down on them for the chop shop scheme. In addition to Riggins and Lyla falling apart, Landry and Tyra falling apart, Julie and Saracen falling apart, (and thankfully) Coach and Tami making it work.
But one storyline stands out above them all. If only for the fact that for the first time ever on television, a show is dealing with said storyline in a direct, honest, grown-up, real world manner.
To set the story, meet Becky. She's 16. She lives in a trailer. She just got shot down by the guy she's interested in (Riggins), so she does what any sane, rational person would do: she heads to the store to buy some booze. Only, she's 16. So the clerk won't sell it to her. Enter Luke, the stud running back at East Dillon, and since football is King in Texas, even though he's 17, he has no trouble buying the 30 pack for her. She thanks him as they're leaving. He says something about going to the car wash to wash his truck, and since its obvious she had no real plans, why don't they drink their bad days away together? (Luke had been in a brawl prior to purchasing said beer, and was pretty well beat up). She accepts.
And that's it. End of episode. The next three episodes, you get no inclination that anything happened, other than they washed his truck and got drunk. They don't even show Becky and Luke talking to each other in a friendly, unfriendly, casual, intimate, "hey / hi" as you pass in the hall kind of manner. Then bam. Out of nowhere. Becky's pregnant. A one night stand gone wrong.
To the writers credit, unlike every other show in television history save for maybe "Maude" from 40 years ago, they didn't cop out. There was no convenient miscarriage. No false positive. No ridiculous and unbelievable "baby daddy steps up and saves the day" speeches and promises. Instead, she informs Luke she's pregnant. She asks him for half the cost of an abortion. He agrees. She ends the pregnancy. Life goes on.
Whatever your stance on the issue, or the decision, its high damned time that the viewer is shown a realistic, grown-up handling of how this situation would be handled 90% of the time. Congratulations to FNL for having the balls to do what noone else will. And for some tremendous writing showing exactly how much you NEVER want to be in this situation. The moral ambiguity, the struggle and pain of reaching the decision. As Luke put it, "its not potentially being a father (that scares me). Its that not becoming a father doesn't bother me". The struggle between what's best for you and your future, versus the "morally right" thing to do. (And I put that in quotes, "morally right". I refuse to take any "moral truth" presented by the Church as a "moral truth" at face value).
This isn't MTV glorifying teen pregnancy by giving these girls a friggin reality show. It isn't the ridiculousness of that A&E show on not knowing you're pregnant. Its an honest, direct, non-judging, non-moralizing, non-preaching look at a decision noone should have to face. I always hated the fact that during the 2008 campaign, the far right blasted the President for noting as a rationale for his pro-choice stance that "I don't think my daughters should have to pay for the rest of their lives for one mistake". All Obama said was what any sane, rational parent would think. What any sane, rational person would think. And what "Friday Night Lights" had the balls to show. Good job writers. (Now let East Dillon somehow beat Dillon in the finale ...)
* If I was the man in charge of hiring Simon's replacement for "American Idol", there's only three people I'd consider.
1. Elton John.
2. Usher.
3. Justin Timberlake.
Thankfully, it appears FOX is considering making an offer to all three, and see who jumps on it first. Elton John would be an amazing hire. You know he wouldn't hold anything back, like Simon. And Justin Timberlake would be a tremendous hire. Current, relevant, knows the business, knows what sells and what doesn't.
But part of me thinks THE pick should be Usher. No, he probably wouldn't be b*tchy, or rip the contestants. But can you think of anyone more qualified to judge musical talent than this dude? "Raymond vs Raymond" is THE album my iPod never leaves at this point. There's not a bad song on it. And think back over the last fifteen years, beginning with "You Make Me Wanna" evolving into "My Way" into "U Remind Me". Evolving into "U Got It Bad", into "Confessions", into "Love in This Club", and now "OMG". (With a HUGE hit in the waiting with "Lil Freak". That song is absolutely awesome).
To say nothing of the fact that he released THE song of the 2000s. Defined by one simple word. Hell, this thing was my ringtone for almost half the decade.
"Yeah!"
(And as if anyone needed any further proof that "Rolling Stone" is the worst run publication on the market ... not a single song by Usher made their "Top 100 of the 2000s". Are you f*cking kidding me? "Confessions" likewise did not make their top 100 albums. Again, are you f*cking kidding me? I want some of whatever the hell Jann Wenner is smoking, its gotta be some good sh*t to ignore one of the most dominant artists of our generation in the decade that defined him).
Anyways, here's hoping its a grand slam pick, no matter who it is. "Idol" was a disaster last year.
* Finally ... for those of you who care ... I added a couple of the new blogger site features to the site, right below this paragraph. Feel free to try them out, I guess. I'm not a huge fan of the share buttons to be honest, but that's because I'm still using IE 6.0 so it's slow to load up. But any comments, suggestions, thoughts, or emotional rants about how "you don't post enough, write more often goddammit!" are always appreciated in the comments or to the email inbox. Until next time ... whenever next time may be ...
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