what a sleepless night produces

So I couldn't sleep last night. Which kind of shocked me -- first off, it was a bowling night, which meant I was drinking a good amount of beer. (With a few shots thrown in to boot). Secondly, I was still dead tired from the weekend, and figured I'd pass out as soon as I hit the pillow.

But, it wasn't meant to be. Instead, I flipped on the TV, and after scanning through a few channels, I landed on GSN. And that got my brain firing.

I was privileged enough to "grow up" in the Golden Age of Game Shows. I remember sitting in front of the TV, watching NBC or CBS or (especially) USA all day with my friends, playing along with such classics as "High Rollers", "Card Sharks", "Match Game (insert year here)", "Family Feud", "Super Password", "Press Your Luck", and the list just goes on and on.

Now? There's really only two game shows worth a damn that air every day. "Jeopardy" and "Wheel of Fortune". Sure, GSN tries, but "Catch 21" and "Baggage" are just nowhere near as sweet as Bob Eubanks asking where the strangest place you've ever made whoopy is.

(The funniest game show moment ever is when Bob asked that question to this foreign chick, "The strangest place you've ever made whoopy", and her response was "my ass". Brought the house down. Eubanks just came unglued, he couldn't stop laughing. And this chick is sitting there, completely clueless about what everyone is laughing at. I bust out loud laughing every time I see the clip.)

So, a late night watching game shows, coupled with some adult beverages, got me thinking, "Stevo, who is the best game show host ever? And what is the best game show ever?"

Without further ado, one man's opinion on both.

* Best Game Show Host:

I narrowed it down to ten candidates:

* Wink Martindale. Hosted "High Rollers" and "Tic Tac Dough".
* Peter Tomarken. Hosted "Press Your Luck".
* Gene Rayburn. Hosted "Match Game (insert year here)".
* Dick Clark. Hosted "(insert dollar amount here) Pyramid".
* Bert Convy. Hosted "Super Password" and "Win, Lose, or Draw".
* Bob Eubanks. Hosted "The Newlywed Game" and "Card Sharks".
* Bob Barker. Hosted "The Price is Right".
* Richard Dawson. Hosted "Family Feud".
* Chuck Woolery. Hosted "Love Connection", "Greed", and "Lingo".
* John Davidson. Hosted "Hollywood Squares" and "That's Incredible!"

I mean, wow. Just look at that talent! And I didn't even list such veteran, proven hosts as Chuck Barris ("Gong Show"), Pat Sajak ("Wheel of Fortune"), Alex Trebek ("Jeopardy"), Jim Perry ("Card Sharks"), Allen Ludden ("Password"), or Bill Cullen (too many to name)! Holy Lord, do we produce game show hosts in this country or what?

But only one of these fine gentlemen can earn "Stevo's Favorite" status, so its time to start trimming the roster. The first four I axed:

* Peter Tomarken. I love, and I mean LOVE, "Press Your Luck". But this was really his only game show he hosted, and Peter tragically passed away in a plane crash in 2006. On the other hand, he did star in one of the best ads of the last decade -- he was the "why not?" guy in the Fidelity taxi cab ad. "Its called a rollover". That ad just kills me. Its so underhandedly racist, that you can't help but laugh. Someone at standards and practices was asleep at the wheel when they were filming that classic.

* Bert Convy. Tragically passed away in 1991 of a brain tumor. I always thought Bert was kind of sleazy looking. And I mean that in a good way -- I want my game show hosts to look and act like a lounge act. The problem is that Bert also looked, and came across, as a class act. Sleazy and classy just don't mix.

* John Davidson. Definitely the weakest link of the ten on the list.

* Bob Barker. A tough early exit. Yeah, 35 plus years hosting "The Price is Right" made him an institution ... but honestly? When the moment you're best remembered for is punching Happy Gilmore, and not something that happened on your show, uuh, you're not making my top six.

Now it gets tougher. Time to trim this down to two. The next booted hosts are:

* Richard Dawson. An institution on two shows I grew up addicted to ("Family Feud" and "Match Game"). "Feud"'s been trying for 25 years to replace him, and each subsequent host is worse than the one before. Still, I like the remaining five guys better.

* Dick Clark. This one is tough. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, respects Dick Clark like I do. But like Bob Barker, he's better known for his activities off the game-show set. At least to me, anyways. I refuse to live in a world where Strokey Dick Clark isn't toasting the New Year. Hell, that's how I ring in the New Year every year -- on my couch, with a couple bottles of champagne, raising them to Strokey Dick Clark as the ball drops.

* Chuck Woolery. At this point, you just can't go wrong. Any of the last four are golden. Chuck gave us "2 and 2" for crying out loud. He gave desperate, lonely, horny as hell adults a reason to hope that the man / woman of their dreams could be attained. Although to be fair, go back and watch some old "Love Connection" episodes. There's a reason why those folks were appearing on "Love Connection" -- most of them were trashier and scarier looking than your typical Friday night crowd at the Eclipse.

* Wink Martindale. I'd watch anything with Wink in it. The man is a global icon. I mean, his name is Wink! Or "Stink Fartindale", as Gene Rayburn used to call him. "Tic Tac Dough" is honestly, a really awful game show. And yet, I'll tune in and watch if its on, because of Wink.

So, we're down to two. And honestly, I could flip a coin with the talent that's left. They're both phenomenal. But only one can win. So second place goes to ...

* Bob Eubanks. Another classic Eubanks moment, in addition to "my ass" detailed above, is in the credits of "Roger and Me", Michael Moore's awesome documentary that looks at how Flint, Michigan literally collapsed overnight when GM left for Mexico. Eubanks is a Flint native, and he shows up to try to help out by hosting a game show and doing some comedy. The jokes are ... well, half of them are blatantly racist. The other half are sexually explicit. The best one though, is Bob sitting there, talking to this fairly attractive teenager. And he goes "I mowed the yard the other day with my shirt off, and my back got stiff. So my wife says, hey next time, try mowing the yard with your pants off". Ka boom boom ching! Bob's the best. Or pardon me, second best. Because the winner of the "Stevo's Favorite Game Show Host" challenge is ...

* Gene Rayburn! There wasn't a joke too dirty, a female contestant too unavailable, for Gene to not push the limit and go for it. He once told a contestant that she had "nice nipples". He had the phallic-symbolesque microphone that, sadly, nobody uses today. The entire friggin panel was sloshed. Watch a Match Game 73 or 74 episode sometime, you can see the cigarette smoke rising from the celebrity section of the set, and can see the cocktail glasses behind the slot where the card goes in. Damn, I miss old school Hollywood. Now everything is so PC and "well, what kind of example are we setting for the kids", so nobody gets to have fun anymore.

So now that Gene Rayburn is established as "Greatest Host Ever", is his show the greatest as well? Let's find out.

* Best Game Show:

I once again picked ten, and the nominees are:

* "Match Game (insert year here)"
* "Press Your Luck"
* "What's My Line"
* "The Price is Right"
* "Who Wants to be a Millionaire"
* "Card Sharks"
* "Jeopardy"
* "Wheel of Fortune"
* "(insert dollar amount) Pyramid"
* "Remote Control"

Four of these were pretty easy to eliminate from the discussion for "Best Ever". I loved "Remote Control" growing up, but its clearly the weakest in this collection of nominees. Plus it launched the career of Colin Quinn. Ugh. I love "The Price is Right", and still can't believe I once got into an argument with Megan because she didn't understand gambling based on "Price is Right" rules. Come on! Everyone knows "closest to the actual retail value without going over" is how you wager on stuff! But "Price" is ninth in this list. "Millionaire" maxed itself out by airing too much. Although I loved the comeback last summer. I think that's how it should be done -- bring it back for a week every August. And "Jeopardy" just challenges my brain too much. I'm too stupid for that show.

The next four to be voted off ... let's see ... "Wheel of Fortune" I still tune into quite a bit, but its the weakest show left in the field. "(insert dollar amount) Pyramid" is a blast to watch, if only for the mid-1980s outfits all the contestants wear, but it bows out in fifth. "Card Sharks", man I love that show. But only the Bob Eubanks hosted years, Jim Perry wasn't as good as Bob, or as funny. And "What's My Line" is an all-time classic. Any show that gets Arlene Francis and the comedic genius that is Soupy Sales on my television screen, is gonna get a good review. But I like the remaining two shows better.

Which leaves us with "Match Game (insert year here)", and "Press Your Luck". "Match Game" I could watch all day long. The jokes, the drunk celebrities, the idiot contestants, the greatest Game Show Host ever, its just wonderful television. But ... it don't got whammies.

So I'm voting "Press Your Luck" as the Greatest Game Show Ever. No whammies. No whammies. No whammies ... STOP!

Maybe next time, I'll finally get around to writing up my thoughts on the "Lost" finale. That's only about six weeks overdue ...