idol top seven part dos: this site's rubber chicken is back on the roof ...

FOURTEEN songs?  Are you kidding me?  As ridiculous as “Idol” can be at times, they have NEVER attempted to pack this much music into a two hour show.  So while at times last night’s “Idol” felt rushed, condensed, and frantic … it also was one helluva way to spend two hours with the most talented final seven this show has ever seen.

Dim the lights, here we … well, no, here we don’t go, because unless you’ve been living in a cave, you know that yesterday, television icon Dick Clark, affectionately known as “Strokey” Dick Clark to me, passed away at the age of 82.  While I loved the classy, fitting, appropriate opening to “Idol” paying tribute to Dick Clark, allow me to pay tribute in my own way to open this recap.

I never met Dick Clark.  I’ve met a few people in life that are famous, probably the most famous of which is (current) Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.  Either it’s meeting her at the young journalists conference I went to in 1994 … or playing blackjack for a couple hours with Joey Fatone of *NSYNC.  (Definitely Mrs. Clinton).  But I wish I had met Mr. Clark, because I feel like he’s a part of my life.  And here’s why.

I rarely if ever go out on New Year’s Eve.  For a plethora of reasons, the biggest one being that it’s amateur hour out there, and as much as I enjoy a vodka tonic, it’s not worth dying over because some moron had one too many Coronas and thought he was ok to drive, but instead ends up t-boning you when he thinks red is green at the traffic signal.  My typical New Year’s Eve is: meet up with friends for dinner and drinks in the early evening, home on the couch by 10pm, and raise a bottle of champagne to “Strokey” Dick Clark come midnight, before passing out to get enough sleep to enjoy Bowl Day that kicks off at 10am the following morning.  What can I say, I’m a boring individual.

I’ve rung in the new year exactly twice in the last 20 years anywhere other than on my couch with Dick Clark on my TV – 2000, when I was so hammered I didn’t realize the chick I was dancing with in Westport was begging me for a hookup (the lesson?  As always, I’m the dumbest person in the room) … and last year, when the clock hit midnight, and I was on … Dusty and Kellie’s couch, as everyone else there made fun of me for raising my glass of champagne to Mr. Clark as the clock struck midnight.

I didn’t care that I was getting made fun of … well hell, let’s face it – I get made fun of all the time, because I’m an easy-to-make-fun-of guy.  But it didn’t bother me, because I was raising a glass to “my friend”, Dick Clark.  A man I rang every New Year’s in with for my entire life … until this year.  I have no idea how Ryan Seacrest is going to handle the show this year … but I know it just won’t be the same.

Which is why Seacrest’s tribute to Dick Clark to open “Idol” last night was so perfect.  He nailed it – it wasn’t just Ryan who lost a friend (again, in case you’ve been living in a cave, the reason Dick Clark was still on your TV screen every New Year’s Eve?  Was because Ryan Seacrest ensured it happened.  They were like father and son, and you could see how tore up Ryan was last night, although being the pro he is, he made it through the opening.)  We ALL lost “our” friend. 

Anyways, on to the performances, before I start crying.

This week’s theme is “Now and Then” – each Idol will perform a song from the 2000s, and a “soul song” from a prior decade.  As I noted earlier this week, this has sick potential.  Also important to note is that tonight is a “double elimination” – two aspiring Idols are going home.  Let’s see what went down.

This week’s mentor?  Obviously Idol wanted to cut costs, because they didn’t have one, other than Jimmy.  Which, to be fair, is still one helluva fallback option.

Hollie opens us with Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep”.  It will take two minor miracles for her to still be here next week, so here’s her first attempt at one.  And sweet JESUS, I am digging this!  I’m actually tapping my foot to this.  THIS is the Hollie the judges saw up to this point!  She’s having fun, she’s adopted the “when you got nothing, you got nothing to lose” mentality she needs to have!  This is an incredible vocal!  Not a big fan of the ending … but chalk up minor miracle number one!  Very, very solid opening.

And she knows it too, the sh*t eating grin!

Steven: “you FINALLY did what all of America has been waiting for you to do!”  JLo: “that’s what we mean when we say no thinking!  You just sang that song!  You did it!”  Randy: “for the first time ever, I felt you.  You had feeling, you had emotion … you’ve arrived”.  THAT?  Is why I love this show.  We’re one performance in (out of fourteen!) … and the entire night’s script has just been turned upside down.

Job well done girl!

Next up, this site’s rubber chicken, covering … Lady GaGa?  Whoa, Colton doing “Bad Romance”?  This will be interesting, if nothing else.

Uum, what is that dead red thing on his bangs?  Fine, I’ll say it: this is TURRIBLE.  Christ, he’s in serious trouble tonight if performance two is anything like this.  This is awful.  I have absolutely no idea what he was going for with this performance – it makes no sense vocally or visually.  Thank God it’s over.

And from the look on his face when it’s done, he knows it’s awful.

Randy: “you are so in the zone right now”.  No, no he’s not.  JLo: compliments his character.  Steven: “you gotta get low to get high”.  Oy.  I do agree with Steven, that Colton is the one singer in this competition taking chances and risks.  Unfortunately, that one bombed.

Elise up next, doing “No One” by Alicia Keys.  If she pulls this off, we have a new frontrunner.  I’m just saying.  If you can nail Led Zeppelin AND Alicia Keys?  You’re a frontrunner.

And to be honest?  This is a fun performance.  It’s not great, it’s kind of safe … but it’s fun.  I wouldn’t pay $1.29 on iTunes for it … but I wouldn’t turn the channel if it came on the radio.  JLo: got her first goosies of the night.  (stevo smacking his forehead in frustration)  Steven: compares her to Janis Joplin … and actually, I can see it.  Randy: happy she stayed with the melody.  Agreed.  If this was a 3^rd down play?  That was a 9 yard completion when you need 8.  Safe, but effective.

Phil up next, covering … Usher?!?!  Doing “U Got It Bad”.  Oy.  This is NOT going to go well.

OK, look it, I like Usher.  (I actually argued two years ago Usher should be one of the new “Idol” judges, when they were shaking up the panel.)  And I love DMB – I think I’ve made every appearance of his here in KC for the last decade.  But the two?  Do.  Not.  Mix.  At.  All.

If there’s a shock elimination tonight?  Phil might be your victim.  And yes, I am fully aware I NAILED The Sanchize’s shock “elimination” last week.  That was awful.

Steven: “with you, we never know what we’re gonna get!”  He actually liked that?  I’d rather be deaf than hear that again.  JLo: “that was so sexy!”  Good f*cking God, it was anything but “sexy”.  Randy: “I’ve been doing this show for a minute” … wait, what?!?!  “This year, we have a true artist on the stage!”  Wait, WHAT?!?!  So Kelly Clarkson, Fantasia, Carrie Underwood, Daughtry, Jordin Sparks, David Cook, and Adam Lambert AREN’T true artists?!?!  To say nothing of Jennifer Hudson?  Let’s just move on before I start hurling stuff at my computer screen, because I can’t afford a new laptop right now.

The Sanchize covering Alicia Keys’ “Fallin’”.  Go figure.  Another perfectly predictable and “safe” performance.  This chick annoys the shit out of me, and I’m not editing “shit”, that’s how much she annoys me.  She’s rapidly approaching Katherine McPhee territory (even if I totally dig Ms. McPhee on “Smash”).

OK, I’ll ask it – what the hell is she wearing?  What is that thing around her neck?  And why the 1980s pant suit bottom to what starts out on top as a dress?

Oh, the performance isn’t half bad.  It’s decent.  Steven: “some songs you need to get mad at”.  OK.  JLo: I have absolutely no idea what she just said, something about juggling balls.  Randy: hopes America “shows up and supports you this week!”  Oy.  I’ve heard better … but I’ve certainly heard worse.

Next up, Skylar … doing Lady GaGa?  “Born This Way”?!?!  Oh sh*t, this has potential!

OK, I’m just gonna say this, and feel free to disagree in the comments: if the final is ANYONE other than Colton and Skylar?  Then this show is a f*cking joke.  They’re the ONLY two contestants putting it all out there every week.  Scotty sang the same f*cking song for twelve straight weeks and won last year.  It was outrageous.  Skylar?  Has about the same vocal range as Scotty did (albeit an octave higher) … and is NAILING Lady GaGa! 

That was really good, and she knows it.  As do the judges.  JLo: “Oh My God!  I LOVE that version of that song!  A more perfect song for you does not exist!”  Steven: “I’m so glad you were born that way!”  Randy: you have crossover appeal.  Yes, yes she does.  "You are so beyond ready to me!”  Yes, yes she is.

Finally for the “Now” portion of the show, Josh covering Fantasia’s “I Believe”.  Hang on, let me recap this in the proper frame of mind.  (stevo cracking open the first beer of the day …)

Let me give the kid credit – he’s subdued for once.  This is a REALLY good cover.  Until he reaches the bridge.  Then he starts oversinging, as usual.  I get Josh’s appeal, and he does have a tremendous voice … but for God’s sake, not every song needs to be “taken to church”, as Randy would put it.  Sometimes, simple is good.

Not sure why the judges gave that a standing O.  Not worth it.  Randy: not a clue what he’s trying to say.  JLo: not a clue what she’s trying to say.  She’s “blessed that you’re in this competition”.  Steven: YES!  FINALLY!  Notes that “you could sing the phone book!”  HELL YES!  Randy actually had to jump in as Steven was talking to “grab” his comment back.  First time all year someone has “sung the phone book”!!!  Now we just need someone to “kill it” tonight …

On to the “Then” portion, with Hollie covering Dusty Springfield’s “Son of a Preacher Man”.  Minor miracle number two?

In this recapper’s ears … minor miracle number two!  If she goes home tonight, it’s an outrage … but probably based on the prior five weeks.  Because if you judge her based solely on last night?  She deserves to stay.  That was solid.

Randy: “you dug in!”  Reminds me, I need to get my dugout back.  JLo: liked it.  Steven: “I still think you can push it even more … you’ve got the voice, you’ve got the vehicle, come on!”  Agreed.  That was by far and away her best night, and I hope America keeps her another week.  I wouldn’t wager the $0.67 in my savings account on it though.

Next up, Colton doing Earth, Wind and Fire!  “September!”  Sweet!

(stevo sighing …)

I try to be fair and objective, unlike a certain “news” channel that is anything but “fair” and “balanced”.  (Seriously FOX, just embrace the right wing already.  Nobody gives a damn that you’re biased.  Just admit it).  Having said that … this is ATROCIOUS.  Colton’s going home tonight if the viewing public judges and votes based solely on last night.

Steven: rips it to shreds.  Deservedly so.  JLo: rips it to shreds.  Deservedly so.  Randy: “it wasn’t the perfect song”.  Ya think? 

Colton is in SERIOUS, SERIOUS trouble tonight.  SERIOUS trouble.  Zeus, buddy, pal, help me out here.  You think he can survive this?  (zeus looking at his rubber chicken).  (zeus not barking “yes” …)  (Scooby doo voice) whroot whroo …

Next up, Elise doing “Let’s Get It On” by Marvin Gaye.  Sweet?  Sweet!  This is really good to open with.  Love the couch on the stage too, not that its giving off any suggestions as to what this song is about (rimshot!) 

That was a perfectly decent performance.  Not great, but good.  She’s safely through to the top five.

JLo: “you always sound so good”.  Asks her to show more “emotion”, and actually, that’s a solid point – if you aren’t showing emotion on a song like “Let’s Get It On”, why cover it.  Steven: “you need to take it up a notch”.  Randy: “that song choice wasn’t really right for your voice”.  I kind of agree with it.  Although Randy thinks Al Green did this song.  God above.  Who the hell doesn’t know Marvin Gaye did this song?

Phil up next, covering Wilson Pickett’s “Wait Til the Midnight Hour”.

He’s baked off his ass.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.  But seriously, Phil?  It’s called “Visine”, use some before taking the stage when your eyes look like that because of what you’ve been enjoying before the performance.

A totally forgettable mess of a performance.  If Colton hadn’t bombed so badly, Phil might be your shock eliminated contestant tonight.  Or could both be headed home?  Because Hollie certainly performed well enough to stick around another week …

Randy: enjoyed it.  “Be who you are”.  Who he is, is a freaking (steve miller band voice) joker, a smoker, a midnight toker!  JLo: says he’s spontaneous.  Steven: “brilliantly awkward”.  Actually … that’s a perfect description of the kid.  Hope he sticks around, I usually enjoy him.  Just not tonight.

Next up, the Sanchize, doing “Try a Little Tenderness” by Otis Redding.  And dear Lord, is this a mess.  Maybe it’s just me … but why do people seem to insist on OVER-singing songs?  What’s wrong with simple and subdued at times?  This is a trainwreck.  This is a six car pile-up.  It’s awful.

Steven: “I like the fact that you’re stepping out!”  What?  JLo: “we got a little bit of your alter ego”.  What?  JLo is in full on “I know that was awful, but she’s good, so let me praise her to draw her votes” mode.  “Your voice alone is not gonna do it”.  Randy: “you need to connect with the emotion of the lyric”.  No, she needs to go home, she’s not top five worthy based on the previous six weeks of performances, but that’s just me.

Skylar next, another Marvin Gaye classic, “I Heard It Through the Grapevine”.  Or is that an Al Green classic Randy?

And yikes, this is awful.  Some songs, you just can’t countrify.  This?  Is one of those songs.

The judges do not look happy.

Randy: “you let it all hang out, you have a good time, it’s a Skylar Laine party!”  JLo: likes her spunkiness.  Steven: “you’re like a wild horse who refuses to be tamed”.  This from the man who once sung “o’er the land of the free?  And the home … of the … (dramatic pause) … INDIANAPOLIS 500!!!”

That was decent, but not great, and barely good.  Still, no way she’s going home.

Finally, Josh with “A Change Is Gonna Come” by Sam Cooke.  And in the interest of full disclosure, I LOVE this song.  There’s a singer who shows up at BB’s every so often, Lonnie Shelton, who NAILS this song.  His cover of this is worth the price of admission.  Here we go.

(sponsor-desired shoutout voice: BB’s Lawn Side BBQ!  Arguably the best thing about living in south KC …)

That wasn’t half bad.  I don’t get Josh’s appeal … but then again, I don’t get a lot of things in life.

Steven: “you have stretched your voice to the limits of soul!”  JLo: “I still want more at the end … please America, don’t send this boy home!”  They won’t.  Randy: “Sam Cooke grew up singing quartet, most people may not know what that means …”  WHAT?  Who the f*ck doesn’t know what a “quartet” is?  Even my four year old nephew could figure out that a word that starts with “quart” probably involves “four”.

Let’s end this, I need a stiff drink, and it’s not even 10am yet.

Predicted Bottom Three: Hollie, Colton, Phil.

Going Home (based on last night, deservedly so): Colton.

Going Home (based on last night, undeservedly so): Hollie.

Personally, I'd vote off The Sanchize and Josh ... but wow, is tonight's results show gonna be a "sweat through it" result for my rubber chicken.  Right champ?  (zeus voice) bark!  bark bark bark!!!

idol top 7: i love the way you lie ... i mean, cover said song

Wow, we’ve really reached top seven night?  Already?  Amazing. 

So what crappy theme night do we get tonight, Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber?  Songs of the British Invasion?  I know, I know, let’s do some Disco Night again, no?  Wait, what’s that?  It’s … Songs of the 2010s?!?!  Holy cow!  “Idol” finally enters the modern era of music!  Color me pleasantly surprised!

Dim the lights, here we go.  First up is Skylar, the chick rapidly growing on me in this competition, doing “Idol” alum Kellie Pickler’s* “Didn’t You Know How Much I Love You”.  I have to be honest – I have never heard this song once in my life prior to now, so I have no idea what to expect.

(*: from season five.  Which means that Ms. Pickler, Elliott Yamin, Chris Daughtry, and Mario Vasquez all failed to win that season, yet Taylor Hicks did.  What a joke.)

Should probably note before starting, today’s recap is being fueled by the awesome new Loaded Bacon and Cheddar Potato Skins chips by Ruffles.  These things are amazing.  Also, since I’m on vacation the next two days, there might be a beer or three consumed during this recap, under Steve Rule Number One (it’s never too early for the first drink of the day).

And that was a thoroughly enjoyable opening to the show.  Not as good as last week’s “Wind Beneath My Wings”, but thoroughly enjoyable.  Randy: “I felt you”.  Eeeew.  “That was crazy hot!”  Again, eeeew.  Dude, dog, you’re 50!  She’s what, 17?  Eeeew.  JLo: “perfect pitch, you nailed it … perfect way to start the show”.  Steven: “when you sing a song, it’s a complete sentence … the crows may crow, but the hens deliver the goods”.  OK, I’ll bite: what the HELL is THAT supposed to mean?  That’s grouse, I think.  It’s definitely Zues in nature.

Up next, this site’s rubber chicken, Colton, and doing Skylar Gray’s “Love the Way You Lie”.  Gotta be honest – when the song list leaked yesterday, I noted to “The Voice of Reason” that I hoped Colton would be the one to cover this. 

Uum … I need to rewind this.  The first time was way too enjoyable to only listen to once.  And after listening number two … (pickell voice) let me put it this way: Colton’s cover of “Piano Man” is currently my ringtone, I enjoyed it that much.  I would consider his cover of “Piano Man” as one of my 20 favorite “Idol” covers ever.  This?  Was better.

Love how slow tempo it was.  Love it.  Love the way he didn’t go for the huge emotional close, he kept it in the dulled down, subdued tone of the first 90 seconds for the most part.  My only complaint is the same one I have every week: does dude know there’s a dead animal on his head?  Sweet freaking Jesus, his hair inspires nightmares.  He looks worse than any member of Wham! in the mid 1980s.  But with vocals like that?  I can forgive the fact that a skunk has occupied the top of his head.

Steven is clapping like a trained seal with a huge smile.  JLo: “you’re able to take every song and really, really, really, really make it your way.”  I suppose I should take a moment to note that JLo is looking really, really, really, really f*cking hot tonight: nice tan, black dress that leaves little to the imagination – if she had the diamond nose stud that so freaking turns me on, I might fly to Hollywood and stalk her based on her look last night.  Steven: “you are such a rare talent”.  Dare one dream?  Has this site actually latched onto the winning rubber chicken for once?  Randy: loves Colton’s jacket – “its crazy fly”.  Oh no, Randy agrees with me, loves that he didn’t go for the huge ending.  When Randy Jackson and Stevo agree on something … gotta feeling this might turn into a Steve Rule.  Oh wait, it already is, Stevo Rule Number Nine (if you ever do or think something, and people’s reaction to it is “you have to be mentally retarded or named Steve to have done or thought that”, just assume you’re wrong.)

That was really good.  Next up, duet time!  Gotye’s “Somebody That I Used To Know”.  I like this song.  Phil and Elise on the cover.  This is really good.  The single biggest reason why I’m so digging this season --- the WORST performance each week?  Almost always is better than the best of any given week last year.  Steven: “you guys nailed it”.  JLo: “I loved the feel you guys brought to it”.  Yup.  Randy: cracks a joke about domestic violence.  Oy.

Now for The Sanchize, covering “Stuttering” by Jazmine Sullivan.  I have never heard this song before.  And after that performance, if I never hear it again?  I won’t complain.  The Sanchize could be in serious trouble tonight.  That was an overthought, over-wrought, totally forgettable performance that isn’t going to motivate anyone to vote for her.  (Which means the judges will love it).  Randy: loves the arrangement.  “You set the bar really high”.  What the hell did he just hear?  That wasn’t “superb, at the highest degree”, that was crap.  “You slayed the biggest fish of the night!”  (pausing …)  Close enough.  Yes, yes she did, with the rope, and Mrs. Peacock appears to look guilty.  JLo: “that was really beautiful”.  Ok, whatever.  Steven: “you slay it every time”.  Yup, and it’s a rare two-fer!  In the conservatory, with the wrench, and Colonel Mustard is fleeing the scene …

Ugh, Josh up next, doing Bruno Mars’ “Runaway Baby”.  Hang on, I’ve been booze free until now, but I can’t hold out any longer.  And amazingly enough, that wasn’t bad.  Until the very end, when Josh becomes Josh, and drags out poorly hit notes for twenty seconds longer than needed.  I swear to Christ, this guy makes me want to bash my head repeatedly against a concrete wall.  Steven: “you can sell a song like a work of art”.  JLo: “a Joshua type performance is so dynamic”.  Actually, I concur – it’s like a sleazy Vegas act with a Wayne Newton type carnival barker.  Randy: “unbelievable performance”.  And yes, I intentionally skipped over Steven attempting to get Josh some action with the background dancer.

Duet Numero Dos, Skylar and Colton covering Kelly Clarkson and Jason Aldean’s “Don’t You Wanna Stay”.  Wait, weren’t these two just paired together on “Islands in the Stream” last week?  F*ck it, when a duo is as solid as these two are, pair them together every week.  That was an amazing cover.  I’d absolutely drop $1.29 on iTunes for my own copy of it.  And that deservedly gets the first standing O from the judges on the night.  Steven: “you two just made love to each other (up there)”, referencing the rumor that these two are an item.  That’s two performances in a row Steven goes for the cheap hookup joke.  Gotta admit … it’s creepy, but it’s funny.  JLo: I think she liked it.  Randy: “I thought that was ok for me”.  That does it – this guy wouldn’t know quality music if Jesus himself was performing in front of him.

Hollie up next, covering Pink’s “Perfect”.  She has to be the odds on favorite to go home tonight, right?  Barring a surprise Sanchize crap-out?  Although we still have the judges save in play for two more weeks to save someone. 

I am so not digging this performance.  For starters, she looks like a freaking flamingo* in that outfit.  Secondly, some songs are better slowed down and stripped down.  This is not one of those songs.  Finally, she has serious pitch issues.

(*: at the pool, there are two flamingoes in the garden, Stone (because the damned thing looks stoned) and Eileen (because it can’t stand upright).  Yeah, weed and/or alcohol may have been involved in naming two inanimate flamingoes.)

The judges do not look happy, nor should they, that was turrible.  JLo: “you look beautiful”.  Kiss.  Of.  Death.  Steven: “it wasn’t perfect for me”.  Randy: “you helped to kind of redeem yourself this week”.  I’d lay even odds on Ms. Cavanagh being on the chopping block tonight.

Phil up next, covering “Give a Little More” by Maroon 5.  What, DMB didn’t sign off on the songbook?  Because clearly Mr. Tamborine Man signed off on giving some green to Phil before this performance.  Good God, his eyes are glassier than mine at a Ben Harper concert.  Attakid!  This is a typical Phil performance – something you can envision paying $25 to watch at Starlight or Sandstone for two hours as you get baked off your ass.  No complaints here.  Steven: “you look like a Steve McQueen / Johnny Cash kind of guy”.  WHAT?!?!  JLo: “underwhelming”.  Randy: basically trashes the performance.  If I tried to type what he said, I might be here for another four pages, and we only have two performances left.

Should probably mention, Akon was your guest mentor last night.  Why?  I have no idea.  I think he had a hit a couple years ago with Gwen Stefani, but I’d be lying if I said I remember what it was.

Trio time!  Josh, Hollie, and the Sanchize covering “Stronger” by Kelly Clarkson.  One of those vocals were thoroughly forgettable (The Sanchize).  One made you long for a hole in your head (Josh).  The third, that was pretty solid?  Was Hollie.  She was relaxed, looked like she was having fun, basically the opposite of her performance ten minutes ago.  JLo: the performance “made me proud”.  Steven: someone should check what’s in his Coke glass.  Randy: “this is dope”.  No, that would be what Phil consumed five minutes ago.

Finally, to close things down, Elise doing “You and I” by Lady Gaga.  Haley Reinhart KILLED this song last year, with the revolver, in the lounge, and every other “Idol” contestant was fleeing the scene.  It’s gonna be tough to top that effort.  And while that wasn’t bad … that could have been better.  I think she’ll be safe this week based on how solid she’s been, but that was NOT a solid effort.  (If she is the lowest vote getter tonight, there is zero doubt in my mind the judges will save her.  Ditto if it’s the shock elimination I see coming, and the Sanchize is the lowest scorer).

Randy: “Elise is back!  She’s back!”  Uum, is she in it to win it though?  JLo: “you did exactly what you wanted to do”.  Well no sh*t Sherlock.  Steven calls it a “genius” effort.

Overall, not one of Season 11’s best nights … but the most mediocre of nights this season, is still better than most nights last year, and virtually any night from two years ago.

Predicted Bottom Three: Phil, The Sanchize, Hollie.

Predicted Bottom Two: The Sanchize, Hollie.

Predicted Elimination: Hollie.

Judges Save?  Yes.  Setting up a double elimination next week.

ai top 7: beyond awful

Turn up the lights, crank the surround sound, it’s American Idol Top 7 night!!!

Singing “Songs of the 2000s”. If ANY week so far this year promised a train wreck of Biblical proportions, this one has to be it.

Let’s do this.

But before we do, here’s how I rate the contestants remaining, from “Vote This Person Home Immediately” to “I Wanna See Streamers Flying at the Nokia Theater in Six Weeks When This Person Wins!” status.

7. Casey.
6. Haley.
5. Scotty.
4. Jacob.
3. Lauren.
2. James.
1. Stefano.

I am fully aware Stefano has no shot at winning this thing. I am also fully aware he’s probably going home tonight, regardless of how he performed in this recap coming up. But he’s still my rooster / puppy / pony / rubber chicken in this competition. Loved him in the Top 24, and sticking with him now. Which means there’s at least one non “13 to 16 year old girl” that digs this guy.

We lead tonight’s proceedings off with Scotty McCreery, doing LeAnn Rimes’ cover of (I think) John Anderson’s “Swingin”. God bless it. I f*cking hate this song. Let’s hope this isn’t as excruciating as I fear it will be.

(Oh, and your “timely” recap today courtesy of “end of bowling league last night”!!! Thanks to Tanner’s, AMF College Lanes, and my genes for getting me so smashed that I had to do the drunk dial to the boss this morning. You guys are the best! And to think, this isn’t even the drunkest night of the week, still got the lovely DJ / KJ reception tomorrow. Again, you guys are the best!!! (steve’s liver voice) the hell they are …)

* What the hell is up with Scotty holding the mic? He’s treating it like a, uuh, phallic symbol. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Having said that, this is TURRIBLE. He drops an octave in verse two, and that actually makes this worse. Not sure why he sat down at the front of the stage either. And the eye raise at the end? (brian griffin voice) what the hell? I’m sure the judges will fellate this, but that was horrendous.

Steven compares it to the Rolling Stones, and wants him to sashay a little more. Christ. JLo loves his story telling quality, but wants him to pull out the big guns and push past his comfort zone. Her way of saying “you done f*cked up champ”. Randy … agrees with JLo. Wants to know who’s “in it to win it”. Good God. Says “I love you” but calls it “boring”. I’m guessing Scotty might hit bottom three tonight after that review and performance.

Next up: James, doing “Uprising” by Muse. Gotta admit, this has potential. Great song, great band, great performer. (Which usually equals “epic train wreck” on this show).

* Loved the walkout with the drummers. Although his vocals through 20 seconds come nowhere close to echoing Muse’s lead’s vocals. I think his name is Matt Bellamy. Not gonna Google it, but that sounds right. Anyways, underwhelming as we hit the chorus.

And the chorus isn’t impressive either … and now he’s letting it go entering verse two. This is much better. Much better.

Uum, take that back. What the f*ck was THAT?!?! I’d call it a screech, but I don’t want to insult Dustin Diamond. Good Lord, that was horrendous. Absolutely horrendous, in a “this might be your shock elimination number two of the season tonight” kind of way.

And JLo having an orgasm over it. I think she’d sleep with Screech. Just a guess. JLo calls it “theatrically the best performance of the night”, “really amazing”, “wow”, and “that’s the highest we’ve ever heard you sing”. Randy describes it better and calls it “crazy”. I’d go with “gut wrenchingly awful”, but that’s just me. And I like this guy, I really do. Once my puppy / pony / rooster / rubber chicken is eliminated, I’m fully on Team James. But that was TURRIBLE. Randy says he “slayed it”. Yup, with a knife, in the conservatory. Not sure if it was Professor Plum or Colonel Mustard. Steven: “you’d be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap” after advising James to “stay out of my closet”. Jesus I love this show. It’s the gift that keeps on giving.

Next up: Haley, covering Adele’s “Rolling In The Deep”. Now THIS has potential. In a “now performing on the main stage, Haley, and on the second stage, Breezy. Remember gentleman and ladies, it’s just a buck to let these ladies know how well they’re performing, so what the f*ck! It’s just a buck!” I am long overdue to hit up the “Outback” for a “steak” …

(Which reminds me: two moments last night that won’t be erased from the memory soon. OK, actually three of them. First, when they’re handing out our cash rewards at bowling league last night, DJ drops the “don’t blow it all at the strip club!” blast to Kim, the really awesome lady on another team who is into chicks. Brought the house down. And yes, I absolutely would hit up the “Outback” with Kim, and her life partner Shelly. I think it’d be sweet. Then again, as I pointed out, DJ once bartered “party favors” for “steaks” at that joint … wait, probably shouldn’t use the word “joint” if I’m going for the “figure it out on your own” quotations … anyways, considering he once did that … yeah, not sure where the f*ck I’m going with this, other than I absolutely would hit up the “Outback” with Kim and her partner.

Second, we’ve got this one guy in our league, who if you look up the word “tool” in the dictionary, his picture would be next to it. Rhymes with “Kyle”. Oh wait, that’s his name, forget the “rhymes with” part of that. Anyways, he over-reacts to every shot even worse than I do. So we’re in game three, and by now, we’ve had almost 90 straight minutes of making fun of this guy, when he somehow completely botches his first ball (he’s the only scratch bowler in our league), and then his second ball as well. A couple of completely priceless reactions. So Dusty is up next … and completely mimicks the dude’s movements from his previous frame. Right down to the last second ass twist, trying to get the ball to turn. Brought the house down. It took me a full minute to recover from laughing enough just to grab my ball. So of course, being the “tool” that I am, I attempt to mimick it too. Apparently, it works, because I look back after raising my arms in the touchdown formation, and see DJ and Katie laughing their asses off. Proud of myself, I head back … only to hear “nice throw Skyle!” Now THAT brought the house down. The lesson? I don’t have one. Other than if you can’t laugh at yourself, be prepared for everyone else laughing at you. I know that’s a Steve Rule, just not sure which number it is.

Finally … “deadbeat ex roomie” informed the world on Facebook last night that he became a father for (possibly) the first time last night. Fitting, in that (a) if there’s any person in this world less qualified to be a provider figure for someone that me, it’s him, and (b) born on 420. Perfectly appropriate. That guy stole more from the stash without replacing it than anyone I know. Here’s to hoping the state intervenes and gives this kid a fighting chance.

OK, on to Haley:

* Aw, Jimmy Iovine gets the gratuitous hug. And good f*cking God, is Haley hot tonight or what? Yo, yo, yo dog!!! I’m not joking – is that dress even attached to her upper body? Christ I hope not. And I am dead on accurate! There is no strap holding the upper half of the dress on there! Come on wardrobe malfunction, come on. (dj voice) come on. Everybody’s doing it. Come on …

Sadly, no malfunction … but incredibly, this is a really good performance. She’s spot on nailing the vocals. Good God, can she win this thing? Really? Is America really ready to crown a future Vivid Girl as it’s next Idol? (Let’s hope so).

Upon review, there is a strap holding the dress up. Damn. For sh*ts and giggles, I’m going with “floatation devices” holding the thing in place though.

The audience ate this up. As did I. That was phenomenally good. Randy called it the “perfect direction for you”. Could not agree more, you can absolutely generate a four minute tease out of that song. Steven “(America) likes that feeling, and you got that”. JLo making no sense whatsoever, but hey, we love ya girl.

Next up: Jacob, covering Luther Vandross. Unless this is “One Shining Moment”, I’m gonna boo and possibly toss an empty beer bottle in the general direction of my television.

* Are you effing kidding me? The dude who’s only here because some liberal judge (hooray!) allowed him to bond out of jail, is invoking the dead dad card? For crying out loud. Not even I’m that sleazy. Well, ok, because (hooray!) my dad is somehow still with us. But for crying out loud, invoking the dead parent card? Really? No, really? Really?

And the fake tears to open the song? Wow. That’s a new low for anyone.

The name of this song is “Dance With My Father”. Uuh … really? I can’t dance worth a damn, even though I’ll engage in a few tomorrow night at the reception, but I’m pretty sure dancing with some dude’s father is not on my “must dance with” list.

If Jacob doesn’t go home tonight, it’s only because my pony / puppy / rooster / rubber chicken is gonzo.

Steven calls him “Luther Lusk”. Calls it a “beautiful thing”. JLo says “it’s hard to perform when a song means that much to you”. Randy … f*ck it, we’re moving on.

Next up: Casey covering Maroon 5. This is either gonna bring the house down, or be beyond awful.

* I know Blake covered “This Love” and “She Will Be Loved” in season six, but that’s the only times I can recall Maroon 5 being covered on this show. And to open, it’s not bad. He’s kept it low key so far, which is good. And he didn’t drop the f bomb in the “f*ck it, I’m walking on” part. Damn. (florida evans voice) damn, damn, damn!

Why does he have a guitar if he’s not gonna use it? This just really isn’t all that good. And he just botched the lyrics in the chorus. You’re damned right it’s getting harder and harder to breathe. Especially listening to this abortion of a performance. You sir, are no Blake Lewis. You can’t get away with that scatter lyrics deal in the middle of a song. Nice try. Let’s hope the judges crucify this. Doubt they will, but that was no bueno.

JLo looks satisfied. Yikes. She screams “Casey! Casey!” Glad he made your dreams come true, girl. Good grief, that was NOT a good performance, and these judges are creaming over it. Unreal. JLo says “Casey’s not playing fair … he’s got soft lips”. Steven: “you did what I’ve been trying to do for four months”. JLo: “I love it … (pause) … the performance! The performance!” Again, I love this show. And yes! Steven drops the f bomb! YES! Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes! Steven Tyler drops the f bomb on live television!!!!! Unreal.

Next up: my puppy / pony / rooster / rubber chicken in this competition, Stefano, covering one of my top 20 favorite songs of all time, “Closer” by Ne-Yo. Gotta be honest – I hold out no hope for this. I fear … no, I believe, it’s gonna be his time to go. But until he does, he’s still got my support.

* And this intro piece on Stefano is making me question my own sexuality. I’m rooting for this guy? Really? No, really? (Yes, really. God I’m a tool). When your fellow contestants are mocking your self confidence, take it as a sign that you’re too full of yourself champ.

Whoa! And Jimmy Iovine drops a “f*ck that! Forget that sh*t!” blast during his rehearsal! Oy, this is not going to end well.

Or is it?

Also loved Jacob noting “Stefano would flirt with a piece of paper if he thought it had estrogen in it”. So the guy’s a playa. (hannibal smith voice) Nice BA. Nice!

(Side note: I sent out an email reply yesterday to a proposed trip to denver for the Chiefs game on New Year’s Day, and included the (ba baracus voice) I ain’t flyin’ Hannibal! i ain’t flyin’! reply. DJ had to explain I was using an A-Team reference to half – half! – the recipients of said email! Am I really that old, that people in their 20s have no f*cking clue who BA Baracus and Hannibal Smith are?!?! I refuse to live in a world where that is the case. Moving on).

Jimmy: “Great looking guys don’t plead for girls”. Maybe that’s why I can’t get any, I’m too busy “pleading” instead of just “presenting”.

And here we go. Hang on, grabbing a Shiner really quick to properly enjoy this with.

He keeps spreading his legs. Unless you’ve got a healthy eight inches in there, no need to do that dude. And as we hit the chorus, this is worse than Asshat Archuleta covering Chris Brown’s “With You” three years ago, and I rated that as “worst Idol performance ever”. And what’s up with his hand movements? Is he reaching? Groping? Imagining?

He’s sung exactly five notes since he hit the chorus. This … sorry champ, I fear that rubber chicken just got tossed up on the roof and ain’t sliding back down. (zeus voice) Bark! Bark! (pause at realizing chicken ain’t coming down) Bark!

I refuse to listen to the judges comments. If he’s going down, he’s going down without me completely tearing him a new one.

Last up: Lauren covering Sara Evans. Wait, I thought she was the chick doing the horrific SoapNet commercials I have to wade through every Saturday morning as I catch up on “One Tree Hill”? She’s a singer too? Not just a corporate shill for “General Hospital”?!?! Suh-weet!

(And spare me the “SoapNet? Really?” smart ass comebacks. Two words: Sophia. Bush. Hot as f*cking hell. Ditto Hilarie Burton, who tragically is no longer on the show).

* And we’re off, with a banjo-esque opening. Oy vey. Or more appropriately, chinga tu madre! Not a fan so far. Then again, the vocal is solid. Way too countryish for me, but if you’re gonna do country, this is the way to go – find a smoking hot chick in a short skirt who likes to jump up and down and let her sing. Steve approved.

Final thoughts: Bottom three will be Jacob, Stefano, and Casey. All three were levels of epically awful tonight. I hope Casey gets the boot. I fear it’s Stefano. I’m betting it’s Jacob.