ai top 7: beyond awful

Turn up the lights, crank the surround sound, it’s American Idol Top 7 night!!!

Singing “Songs of the 2000s”. If ANY week so far this year promised a train wreck of Biblical proportions, this one has to be it.

Let’s do this.

But before we do, here’s how I rate the contestants remaining, from “Vote This Person Home Immediately” to “I Wanna See Streamers Flying at the Nokia Theater in Six Weeks When This Person Wins!” status.

7. Casey.
6. Haley.
5. Scotty.
4. Jacob.
3. Lauren.
2. James.
1. Stefano.

I am fully aware Stefano has no shot at winning this thing. I am also fully aware he’s probably going home tonight, regardless of how he performed in this recap coming up. But he’s still my rooster / puppy / pony / rubber chicken in this competition. Loved him in the Top 24, and sticking with him now. Which means there’s at least one non “13 to 16 year old girl” that digs this guy.

We lead tonight’s proceedings off with Scotty McCreery, doing LeAnn Rimes’ cover of (I think) John Anderson’s “Swingin”. God bless it. I f*cking hate this song. Let’s hope this isn’t as excruciating as I fear it will be.

(Oh, and your “timely” recap today courtesy of “end of bowling league last night”!!! Thanks to Tanner’s, AMF College Lanes, and my genes for getting me so smashed that I had to do the drunk dial to the boss this morning. You guys are the best! And to think, this isn’t even the drunkest night of the week, still got the lovely DJ / KJ reception tomorrow. Again, you guys are the best!!! (steve’s liver voice) the hell they are …)

* What the hell is up with Scotty holding the mic? He’s treating it like a, uuh, phallic symbol. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Having said that, this is TURRIBLE. He drops an octave in verse two, and that actually makes this worse. Not sure why he sat down at the front of the stage either. And the eye raise at the end? (brian griffin voice) what the hell? I’m sure the judges will fellate this, but that was horrendous.

Steven compares it to the Rolling Stones, and wants him to sashay a little more. Christ. JLo loves his story telling quality, but wants him to pull out the big guns and push past his comfort zone. Her way of saying “you done f*cked up champ”. Randy … agrees with JLo. Wants to know who’s “in it to win it”. Good God. Says “I love you” but calls it “boring”. I’m guessing Scotty might hit bottom three tonight after that review and performance.

Next up: James, doing “Uprising” by Muse. Gotta admit, this has potential. Great song, great band, great performer. (Which usually equals “epic train wreck” on this show).

* Loved the walkout with the drummers. Although his vocals through 20 seconds come nowhere close to echoing Muse’s lead’s vocals. I think his name is Matt Bellamy. Not gonna Google it, but that sounds right. Anyways, underwhelming as we hit the chorus.

And the chorus isn’t impressive either … and now he’s letting it go entering verse two. This is much better. Much better.

Uum, take that back. What the f*ck was THAT?!?! I’d call it a screech, but I don’t want to insult Dustin Diamond. Good Lord, that was horrendous. Absolutely horrendous, in a “this might be your shock elimination number two of the season tonight” kind of way.

And JLo having an orgasm over it. I think she’d sleep with Screech. Just a guess. JLo calls it “theatrically the best performance of the night”, “really amazing”, “wow”, and “that’s the highest we’ve ever heard you sing”. Randy describes it better and calls it “crazy”. I’d go with “gut wrenchingly awful”, but that’s just me. And I like this guy, I really do. Once my puppy / pony / rooster / rubber chicken is eliminated, I’m fully on Team James. But that was TURRIBLE. Randy says he “slayed it”. Yup, with a knife, in the conservatory. Not sure if it was Professor Plum or Colonel Mustard. Steven: “you’d be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap” after advising James to “stay out of my closet”. Jesus I love this show. It’s the gift that keeps on giving.

Next up: Haley, covering Adele’s “Rolling In The Deep”. Now THIS has potential. In a “now performing on the main stage, Haley, and on the second stage, Breezy. Remember gentleman and ladies, it’s just a buck to let these ladies know how well they’re performing, so what the f*ck! It’s just a buck!” I am long overdue to hit up the “Outback” for a “steak” …

(Which reminds me: two moments last night that won’t be erased from the memory soon. OK, actually three of them. First, when they’re handing out our cash rewards at bowling league last night, DJ drops the “don’t blow it all at the strip club!” blast to Kim, the really awesome lady on another team who is into chicks. Brought the house down. And yes, I absolutely would hit up the “Outback” with Kim, and her life partner Shelly. I think it’d be sweet. Then again, as I pointed out, DJ once bartered “party favors” for “steaks” at that joint … wait, probably shouldn’t use the word “joint” if I’m going for the “figure it out on your own” quotations … anyways, considering he once did that … yeah, not sure where the f*ck I’m going with this, other than I absolutely would hit up the “Outback” with Kim and her partner.

Second, we’ve got this one guy in our league, who if you look up the word “tool” in the dictionary, his picture would be next to it. Rhymes with “Kyle”. Oh wait, that’s his name, forget the “rhymes with” part of that. Anyways, he over-reacts to every shot even worse than I do. So we’re in game three, and by now, we’ve had almost 90 straight minutes of making fun of this guy, when he somehow completely botches his first ball (he’s the only scratch bowler in our league), and then his second ball as well. A couple of completely priceless reactions. So Dusty is up next … and completely mimicks the dude’s movements from his previous frame. Right down to the last second ass twist, trying to get the ball to turn. Brought the house down. It took me a full minute to recover from laughing enough just to grab my ball. So of course, being the “tool” that I am, I attempt to mimick it too. Apparently, it works, because I look back after raising my arms in the touchdown formation, and see DJ and Katie laughing their asses off. Proud of myself, I head back … only to hear “nice throw Skyle!” Now THAT brought the house down. The lesson? I don’t have one. Other than if you can’t laugh at yourself, be prepared for everyone else laughing at you. I know that’s a Steve Rule, just not sure which number it is.

Finally … “deadbeat ex roomie” informed the world on Facebook last night that he became a father for (possibly) the first time last night. Fitting, in that (a) if there’s any person in this world less qualified to be a provider figure for someone that me, it’s him, and (b) born on 420. Perfectly appropriate. That guy stole more from the stash without replacing it than anyone I know. Here’s to hoping the state intervenes and gives this kid a fighting chance.

OK, on to Haley:

* Aw, Jimmy Iovine gets the gratuitous hug. And good f*cking God, is Haley hot tonight or what? Yo, yo, yo dog!!! I’m not joking – is that dress even attached to her upper body? Christ I hope not. And I am dead on accurate! There is no strap holding the upper half of the dress on there! Come on wardrobe malfunction, come on. (dj voice) come on. Everybody’s doing it. Come on …

Sadly, no malfunction … but incredibly, this is a really good performance. She’s spot on nailing the vocals. Good God, can she win this thing? Really? Is America really ready to crown a future Vivid Girl as it’s next Idol? (Let’s hope so).

Upon review, there is a strap holding the dress up. Damn. For sh*ts and giggles, I’m going with “floatation devices” holding the thing in place though.

The audience ate this up. As did I. That was phenomenally good. Randy called it the “perfect direction for you”. Could not agree more, you can absolutely generate a four minute tease out of that song. Steven “(America) likes that feeling, and you got that”. JLo making no sense whatsoever, but hey, we love ya girl.

Next up: Jacob, covering Luther Vandross. Unless this is “One Shining Moment”, I’m gonna boo and possibly toss an empty beer bottle in the general direction of my television.

* Are you effing kidding me? The dude who’s only here because some liberal judge (hooray!) allowed him to bond out of jail, is invoking the dead dad card? For crying out loud. Not even I’m that sleazy. Well, ok, because (hooray!) my dad is somehow still with us. But for crying out loud, invoking the dead parent card? Really? No, really? Really?

And the fake tears to open the song? Wow. That’s a new low for anyone.

The name of this song is “Dance With My Father”. Uuh … really? I can’t dance worth a damn, even though I’ll engage in a few tomorrow night at the reception, but I’m pretty sure dancing with some dude’s father is not on my “must dance with” list.

If Jacob doesn’t go home tonight, it’s only because my pony / puppy / rooster / rubber chicken is gonzo.

Steven calls him “Luther Lusk”. Calls it a “beautiful thing”. JLo says “it’s hard to perform when a song means that much to you”. Randy … f*ck it, we’re moving on.

Next up: Casey covering Maroon 5. This is either gonna bring the house down, or be beyond awful.

* I know Blake covered “This Love” and “She Will Be Loved” in season six, but that’s the only times I can recall Maroon 5 being covered on this show. And to open, it’s not bad. He’s kept it low key so far, which is good. And he didn’t drop the f bomb in the “f*ck it, I’m walking on” part. Damn. (florida evans voice) damn, damn, damn!

Why does he have a guitar if he’s not gonna use it? This just really isn’t all that good. And he just botched the lyrics in the chorus. You’re damned right it’s getting harder and harder to breathe. Especially listening to this abortion of a performance. You sir, are no Blake Lewis. You can’t get away with that scatter lyrics deal in the middle of a song. Nice try. Let’s hope the judges crucify this. Doubt they will, but that was no bueno.

JLo looks satisfied. Yikes. She screams “Casey! Casey!” Glad he made your dreams come true, girl. Good grief, that was NOT a good performance, and these judges are creaming over it. Unreal. JLo says “Casey’s not playing fair … he’s got soft lips”. Steven: “you did what I’ve been trying to do for four months”. JLo: “I love it … (pause) … the performance! The performance!” Again, I love this show. And yes! Steven drops the f bomb! YES! Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes! Steven Tyler drops the f bomb on live television!!!!! Unreal.

Next up: my puppy / pony / rooster / rubber chicken in this competition, Stefano, covering one of my top 20 favorite songs of all time, “Closer” by Ne-Yo. Gotta be honest – I hold out no hope for this. I fear … no, I believe, it’s gonna be his time to go. But until he does, he’s still got my support.

* And this intro piece on Stefano is making me question my own sexuality. I’m rooting for this guy? Really? No, really? (Yes, really. God I’m a tool). When your fellow contestants are mocking your self confidence, take it as a sign that you’re too full of yourself champ.

Whoa! And Jimmy Iovine drops a “f*ck that! Forget that sh*t!” blast during his rehearsal! Oy, this is not going to end well.

Or is it?

Also loved Jacob noting “Stefano would flirt with a piece of paper if he thought it had estrogen in it”. So the guy’s a playa. (hannibal smith voice) Nice BA. Nice!

(Side note: I sent out an email reply yesterday to a proposed trip to denver for the Chiefs game on New Year’s Day, and included the (ba baracus voice) I ain’t flyin’ Hannibal! i ain’t flyin’! reply. DJ had to explain I was using an A-Team reference to half – half! – the recipients of said email! Am I really that old, that people in their 20s have no f*cking clue who BA Baracus and Hannibal Smith are?!?! I refuse to live in a world where that is the case. Moving on).

Jimmy: “Great looking guys don’t plead for girls”. Maybe that’s why I can’t get any, I’m too busy “pleading” instead of just “presenting”.

And here we go. Hang on, grabbing a Shiner really quick to properly enjoy this with.

He keeps spreading his legs. Unless you’ve got a healthy eight inches in there, no need to do that dude. And as we hit the chorus, this is worse than Asshat Archuleta covering Chris Brown’s “With You” three years ago, and I rated that as “worst Idol performance ever”. And what’s up with his hand movements? Is he reaching? Groping? Imagining?

He’s sung exactly five notes since he hit the chorus. This … sorry champ, I fear that rubber chicken just got tossed up on the roof and ain’t sliding back down. (zeus voice) Bark! Bark! (pause at realizing chicken ain’t coming down) Bark!

I refuse to listen to the judges comments. If he’s going down, he’s going down without me completely tearing him a new one.

Last up: Lauren covering Sara Evans. Wait, I thought she was the chick doing the horrific SoapNet commercials I have to wade through every Saturday morning as I catch up on “One Tree Hill”? She’s a singer too? Not just a corporate shill for “General Hospital”?!?! Suh-weet!

(And spare me the “SoapNet? Really?” smart ass comebacks. Two words: Sophia. Bush. Hot as f*cking hell. Ditto Hilarie Burton, who tragically is no longer on the show).

* And we’re off, with a banjo-esque opening. Oy vey. Or more appropriately, chinga tu madre! Not a fan so far. Then again, the vocal is solid. Way too countryish for me, but if you’re gonna do country, this is the way to go – find a smoking hot chick in a short skirt who likes to jump up and down and let her sing. Steve approved.

Final thoughts: Bottom three will be Jacob, Stefano, and Casey. All three were levels of epically awful tonight. I hope Casey gets the boot. I fear it’s Stefano. I’m betting it’s Jacob.