I should probably admit up front, I am beyond geeked up for Idol this week.
I freaking love Carole King. Love, love, love her music. You will never convince me a greater cd than “Tapestry” has ever been recorded. Because it hasn’t been. This woman is beyond legendary (and still damned good live as well). I am beyond geeked up for this.
In the words of the late, great Marvin Gaye, “let’s get it on!”
A horrendous Seacrest intro. Is he feeling threatened by the initial ratings success of “The Voice”? I think he is! Because this was a needless 90 seconds out of my life. Although I did just pound a beer, so maybe it was worth it. Reminds me – tonight’s recap liquid refreshment? Budweiser. What can I say, it was on sale. $8.99 for a 12 pack! You’re damned right I bought four of those suckers.
And the only response I have to Jacob’s outfit is, in my best George Takei voice impersonation: “Oh my”.
Damn, they inserted Taylor Hicks into the opening montage of winners. I liked it better when Daughtry was in the photo spread.
Brad Garrett in the house. Seacrest working the crowd, notes “we need that energy! We want that energy! We like that energy!” Christ, is this a workout show, or a singing competition?
Seacrest promises another “90 minutes of outstanding music”. Uuh, yeah, right.
Seacrest expresses shock that a cd by Carole King and James Taylor can top the charts in 2011. Ryan? Quality ALWAYS rises to the top. And you don’t get much better than Carole King and James Taylor.
Babyface is our guest mentor this week. Put it this way – he could show up with a 40oz, a joint, bloodshot eyes, and two ladies of the night under each arm while reeking of cigarettes and urine, and he’d STILL be a one thousand percent improvement over Will I Am.
Jacob up first. He’s doing “Oh No, Not My Baby”. Rehearsal is a trainwreck, and that’s putting it politely. It’s more like my nephew grabbing Thomas and friends and dropping them off the bridge then saying “look Teve, they fall!”
Wow. I’ll just leave the opening at that. Wow. Actually I won’t leave it at that – if Jacob Lusk isn’t evicted tonight, (mark promise voice) I will streak buck ass naked around the streets of south KC. This isn’t horrific, but it is certainly not terrific. Maybe terrify-ific. It’s bad folks. It’s really bad. He’s out of tune, he totally botched the transition to the chorus, and that outfit, Jesus, he looks like a poor man’s hobo. Not even the clowns employed by Chuck E. Cheese would wear that.
Steven: “about time you shook your tailfeathers. That was beautiful!” Then this gem: “when you strut like that, that’s the magic”. Really, this man makes more in an hour of work each week, than I earn in a year.
JLo: “you killed it”. Yup, with the rope, in the library. Not sure if it was Miss White or Miss Scarlet though.
Randy: “the skatting was incredible”. Hopes America will “give you some votes so you can stick around baby”. Hang on, I need another frosty cold one. If this insane judicial fellating continues, I might plow through all 48 cans before I reach the final performance.
Lauren after the break, meeting Miley Cyrus. Can someone page Colonel Mustard, because I’m ready for a lead pipe to the side of my head in the study.
She’s doing “Where You Lead”. Good choice. Good song for her. God bless it this girl has a voice. “She was so nice. She gave me such great advice”. Her advice? Be yourself. Good Lord, I could have told you that for far less than whatever Ms. Cyrus just made in royalties and appearance fees.
Here we go. And I gotta say, Lauren is starting to take on the Jordin Sparks “where the hell did this girl come from” contender status. I’m just saying.
(brian griffin voice) what the hell? She just pulled some random dude out of the front row onto the stage to tell him that “where you lead, I will follow”. Which is neat and all, I mean, Courtney Cox owes her entire career to Springsteen picking her out of the front row in the “Dancing in the Dark” video. But if you’re gonna use a tool like this as a prop, for Christ’s sake, sing at HIM, not the judges! She finally sits down next to the dude, who’s wearing a completely goofy ass grin on his face, and if you just watched the last fifteen seconds, you know why. I guaran-damn-tee you he knows what color she’s wearing. That was a wonderful moment, in a “whoa, this is illegal in all 50 states, the District, and all six territories … ok, maybe not the District” kind of way.
Outstanding performance. I’d give it a solid B+. The judges of course will overrate it, but what the hell, this girl has talent.
Let’s just say, Lauren’s mom didn’t look too happy about that “performance” she put on for that guy in the last 30 seconds. Me? I had no complaints. Anytime an attractive female wants to “shake her tailfeather” in my face, I’m cool with it.
JLo says she was great. Randy says she came out with “some extra swagger”, and notes “each time could be the last time, or could be the next time”. Way to hedge the bets there RJ. I have absolutely no f*cking clue what Steven was attempting to say, something about dartboards and character. Possibly with a rubber chicken tossed in.
Our first duet after the break, Haley and Casey. Doing “I Feel The Earth Move”. Intriguing. Casey says he likes “growling with (Haley)”. Here’s a $50, get a room for an hour and just do it already. Can’t wait to see how he handles the line in this song “I’ve just got to have your baby”. If they sing it that far out.
Oh yeah, they sang it! Talk dirty to me!
This is surprisingly enjoyable. It’s horrific vocally, but it’s damned entertaining. And look at Casey, breaking out his best Blake Lewis beat box impersonation! That was a thoroughly enjoyable segment! Two gigantic thumbs up!
Steven calls Casey “weird beard”, calls out his crush on Haley. “I don’t want to speak for everybody here, but I will”. Ha! I agree with Steven, there wasn’t anything about that I didn’t like. Agreed, nothing but good. Apparently he’s our only judge.
“Scotty the Body” next. Come on. That’s awful Ryan, and you know it.
Scotty upset that the judges call him on doing nothing but country. Doing “You Got a Friend”. This could be really good. Or really awful. (Thanks Randy).
Jimmy calls this the “most romantic song he’s tried to sing yet”. What, “Swingin” wasn’t romantic enough? Here we go.
Wow. That was phenomenally good. I did NOT see that coming. For once, he didn’t sound like a country star. That was phenomenally good! I would absolutely pay to watch THAT Scotty McCreery in concert.
Randy says he “turned the other cheek from last week”. I have no idea what Randy’s criticism was about, that song was flawless. “Scotty’s in it to win it Steven!” No …
Steven: incomprehensible.
JLo: absolute nonsense. (horrific mtv game show voice) Next!
And next would be … my pony / puppy / rooster / rubber chicken in this competition, James. And he’s doing my favorite Carole King song, “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow”. I hope he does this like Carole King did on “Tapestry” and goes more acapella and stripped down than the Shirelles version, or any other version out there. This song effing rocks. Especially for the throwaway line “can I … believe … the magic of your sighs …” that never fails to slay me, in that it comes at the end of reflecting on a night of passion. Sighs / size. Kills me. God I love quality music. Too bad nobody other than Usher does that in top 40 today.
Here we go.
Holy God, the first verse. That might be the best 30 seconds this show has broadcast in three years. And now he goes uptempo for the rest of the song. And I am totally digging this. Wow. That … that was the best performance of the season so far, and nothing else has even come close. That was f*cking amazing!!! Hang on …
(steve) (hitting rewind button)
(steve) (rewatching performance for awhile …)
I don’t need the judges critiques. I know (reggie jackson voice) second f*cking base when I see it. Next up, a group duet with Lauren and Scotty that, I gotta admit, I want to skip. But they’re doing another instant classic, “Up On The Roof”. I’ll give it a try.
And … it wasn’t half bad. I’m rapidly speeding through the judges comments because the NFL draft is about to begin, and I want to get this damned thing done already. Casey up next doing “Hi De Ho”. He will completely roo-een this song.
Although he opens in a fedora, I’m cool with that. Going for a bluesey version, I’m cool with that too. This is surprisingly decent. And he chucks the fedora into the crowd. Bad Casey. Fedoras rule. Decent ending to boot. He’s safe. Again, fast forwarding, NFL draft awaits. Next up, Haley.
Doing “Beautiful”, a very overlooked track on “Tapestry”. Probably because it’s right after the opening trio of awesome “It’s Too Late”, “I Feel The Earth Move” and “So Far Away”, and right before “You’ve Got a Friend”.
And this is about as forgettable a performance as imaginable. Although I do want to give “Idol” some credit here – by sticking at 90 minutes even after dropping to 6, they gave the contestants enough time to perform the entire song. That’s a trend that needs to continue.
The pick is in: Cam Newton, one of the sleaziest college players to ever come down the pike, will be robbing Jerry Richardson and the Panthers blind for the next couple years. Thanks again NCAA, for refusing to enforce your rules and regulations, and allowing a sh*tbag like this to earn millions of dollars by abusing you. The NCAA is nothing more than a pathetic whore in a rundown motel at this point, stunned when some perp beats her senseless and walks out without paying. They’re the best.
One performance to go, James and Jacob doing “I’m Into Something Good”. I’m guessing this won’t be something good. And it’s not. This is the worst performance of the night, and that’s saying something, given how ear-drum busting awful Jacob was on his solo.
Best of the night: James. Absolutely James.
Worst of the night: Jacob. Absolutely Jacob.
Bottom three: Jacob, Haley, Casey.
Going Home: Jacob.
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