It's fake. It doesn't come with any postage attached. Nobody's lugging it around in a burlap sack, or delivering it to you while driving on the passenger side of a van. And yet, it's called a mailbag.
(Hopefully) Enjoy!
(Oh, and my Final Four picks: VCU over Butler, UConn over Kentucky, and VCU cuts down the nets in a thrilling double-overtime classic over UConn. A tournament this historic has to end with something epic, right?)
* "How (expletive deleted) stupid are the Morris twins"? -- Drew K, Shawnee.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being Einstein level brilliant and 10 being Stevo stupid, whichever one of the Dumbf*ck Duo openly taunted VCU in the captain's meeting Sunday is a 15, and the other one is a 12. I mean, what in the name of God above are you thinking? Even if you firmly believe you're going to win by 20 and end their Cinderella run, you sure as all hell don't make the last words you say to their captains before tip-off the phrase "your run is ending today!" Any NBA team dumb enough to draft either half of a duo that can't hit a free throw to save their lives, can't keep their mouths shut rather than inciting the other team, and has the emotional maturity of a 2 year old, needs an anal probe. (My way of saying: you can bet your ass Memphis is drafting these two! Their GM once traded for a known alcoholic center AND gave him a max contract! Of COURSE he's drafting the Morrii, as Luke Winn at SI calls them. Or the Dumbf*ck Duo, as they're known to me).
* "You were shaka-ing calm watching it unfold Stevo!" -- Kellie B ... excuse me, Kellie J, KCK.
What could you do? Between the Dumbf*ck Duo giving VCU unneeded motivation, and KU's utter inability to hit a shot, you could see the handwriting on the wall. Look it, I've been hyping VCU for two months. I've noted on multiple occasions that they are an "entertaining as hell team to watch". I said when I got to your place Sunday that "VCU scares the sh*t out of me". When asked why, I only had one response: "they can flat out shoot the rock". I don't know much, but I do know some basics about basketball. I watch more of it than 95% of the American public, and the 5% that watches more than me is paid to do so for a living. I've been hyping VCU for two months because they shoot the ball better than any other team I've watched at the collegiate level. I've been saying since October that KU's inability to hit a free throw would "bite us in the ass". Sunday was a season in the making.
* "Wow, you are shaka-ing calm and in control of your emotions. I mean, I've seen you lock yourself in your room for two straight days for less disasterous defeats than this" -- Vineet T, Queens.
I hope VCU wins it all, and I hope Shaka gets up on the podium, accepts the trophy, calls out Jay Bilas, and then pulls a Bob Knight and tells him "I hope when my time on earth, is done and I have passed, that they lie me in my coffin face down, so you can kiss my ass!" I like Bilas, but he was 110% wrong on VCU, as was every other "expert". This is a phenomenally talented team. They absolutely deserved an at-large over an also-ran in the ACC (Va Tech), over a team that finished .500 in a down league (Colorado), and over the sixth place team in a horrific Pac 10 (USC), who if you didn't notice, they blew out of the building in the First Four.
That, and I pray to God he isn't coaching at Allen Field House East ... excuse me, The Plaige ... excuse me, Mizzou Arena next year. Sorry, you Mizzou folks change the name on that place so much, I can't keep it straight.
* "So now what? Another summer of discontent, of underachievement"? -- Brent S, Roeland Park.
Yup. But hey, look on the bright side -- we're less than six months away from Turner Gill returning to the sidelines for the second season of that failed experiment!!! (every KU fan collectively smashing their heads into the wall).
* "So you're really back on board the Royals bandwagon! Sweet!" -- Dayton M, One Kauffman Way.
Let's not get ahead of ourselves here. If there is a Royals bandwagon, I'm still definitely not driving it, let alone sitting in the back seat contemplating ways to move towards the front. But like any lapsed person of faith who questions their, uuh, lapse, I eventually reached a point where I realized I'm better off at least "going through the motions" each Sunday, than avoiding the "church" altogether. It's a starting point.
That, and let's be real here -- nobody sits in the sun and drinks better than I do. Some people have the gift of music, the gift of writing, the gift of scientific brilliance, the gift of greatness. I have the gift of being able to sit in the Rolling Rock chair, consume adult beverages, and work on the tan better than anyone else walking this planet. That's my gift, that's my talent. I think it's pretty special, to be honest. I can't deny the world my talent, my gift, my special ability. It'd be criminite in nature to do that.
* "How about applying that attitude to church in real life?" -- Steve's mom, Lenexa.
As long as pedophiles are preaching from the pulpit with no consequence, as long as sleaze like Jerry Johnston are allowed to be called "men of the cloth", sorry, it ain't happening. Jerry Johnston is the single sleaziest person I've ever had the misfortune of meeting. And I say that as someone that has shaken the hand of Hillary Clinton.
* "Wait, you call Hillary Clinton "sleazy", and yet you not only voted for her, you donated to her campaign?!?! I don't get you crazy liberals and your logic" -- Heath C, Harrisonville.
It's simple. Republicans scare the crud out of me because they're dominated by the religious right. I saw the disaster that has been the Obama administration coming from 5,000 miles away. The best option in 2008 was Hillary. The best option in 2012 is Hillary, although she won't run. I am dreading this upcoming election. Either I have to compromise my beliefs and vote for whatever conservative wingnut the Tea Partiers get nominated, or I have to vote to re-elect the worst President of my lifetime, and possibly in history. We're all losers here. Let's take this somewhere more uplifting ...
* "Was there anything from that game Sunday you liked"? – Frank L, El Paso.
Yes, three things. (1) Zeuser pacing the floor more than I did, so much so that everyone agreed he needed to go outside. Hey, when the dog's nervous, that's never a good sign. (2) After Shaka's technical (completely undeserved, and the official should be fired for laying his hands on him unprovoked), when he went back to the VCU huddle and his words, verbatim, were "f*ck Kansas, f*ck the officials, we're winning this game!" THAT'S the attidude of a winner! I am scared to death this guy will be in Columbia for the next twenty years. Scared. To. Death. Oh, and
(3) the tool KU fan who had the huge Jayhawk head hat on that CBS kept capturing. I hate tools in the stands. I just hate them. It's bad enough I have to see the Dorks who pass as "Super Fans" for the Chiefs -- complete idiots like X Factor, Weird Wolf, First Down Elvis, I mean, what sane, rational person wakes up in the morning and thinks "you know what, I think I'm gonna shave every hair off my body, paint myself red, and throw on a cape for the game today!" If I'm going to a game, only three things are running through my mind: (1) is it warm enough to wear shorts, (2) do I have my ticket, and (3) do I have my booze. Nothing else needs to even enter the thought process at that point, unless you're one of the couples outed by Craigslist and Deadspin for hosting the hook-up parties in Lot G after Chiefs games this past fall, then you might want to pack a couple Lifestyles just to be safe. But still. (jose voice) Other than that, yo, not much flowing through my mind heading to a game.
(Three exceptions to this rule: (1) Arrowman, because he's a living legend. (2) barrel man, who is no longer with us but again, a barrel as your outfit for the day, that's freaking great. And (3) Steven Tyler. There's no salvation for his wardrobe).
So when CBS captured this idiot, this freaking tool, literally crying on air as the game ended, with his ridiculous looking Jayhawk head on, I couldn't help it, I just busted up laughing. I wanted some VCU fan or player or cheerperson to come up and start snapping pictures. I hate, I freaking hate, fans who dress up like tools, or bring in stupid, not even remotely funny banners and signs, in a pathetic attempt to get two seconds on the broadcast. We're all adults here, let's try to act like it.
* "At least Roy can't win it, that back stabbing b*stard" -- Matt D, Highland Park via the SMU campus.
Yeah, but John Calipari or Jim Calhoun, two of the three sleaziest D1 coaches over the past five years (and in Cal's case, far earlier than that) will get the chance to. I might hate Ol' Roy, but he's not sleazy. He doesn't blatantly cheat year after year after year. Now? It really is a good vs evil Final Four. Let's hope whoever wins the Good side of the bracket (and I'm rooting for VCU) takes that slingshot, picks a perfect stone, and strike the Evil sleazy coach's team right in the friggin forehead.
* "You've been quiet on the NFL lockout so far. I figured you'd have a take on this by now". -- Damien J, Midtown.
Both sides are being absolutely ridiculous. Look it, "The Voice of Reason" and I have talked about this, and we both agree -- De Smith is in over his head. That's the biggest obstacle to a deal right now -- not that the players don't want to negotiate and they wanted all along to decertify and sue (which is absolute fact), but that they're led by someone who has never been in this position before, and it shows.
And if you don't think experience running things matters, I counter with Barack Hussein Obama as proof that experience effing matters.
On the other hand, the owners are hardly blameless here. If they truly are hemorraging money, like they claim, then do what the NBA owners did and OPEN THE FREAKING BOOKS! No NBA financials have leaked since the owners turned over the books to the players union last fall. Why are NFL owners so concerned about leaking their info unless they have a sh*t ton to hide! If you're running a legitimate, above board operation, you not only shouldn't be offended or scurred to open the books, hell, you should be chomping at the bit to open them, to put the NFLPA* in its place! (Like the NBA owners did to the NBPA).
Eventually both sides are going to realize how ridiculous this whole fight is. Again, this isn't the NBA, where at least 12 teams lost millions upon millions of dollars last year, the league itself was $500 million in the red, and you have at least 4-5 unsustainable franchises at the moment, two of which are highly likely to be playing elsewhere when the next NBA season commences (Sacramento and New Orleans). This is the NFL. It's a $9.3 billion industry. It brings in more revenue than all the other big three sports combined. It's crazy insane we've even gotten this far. I have to believe a federal judge and the appeals court backing her up, are about to pull the plug on this lockout, sooner rather than later.
* "We're in yet another Middle Eastern conflict with no foreseeable end in sight. Your thoughts" -- Brett H, Harrisonville.
The President had no choice. As usual, the only person with a functioning brain in the Obama Administration realized this three weeks ago, and Mrs. Clinton finally convinced him to act. What angers me is that Obama is still so scared of his base, that he has to manufacture this "humanitarian aid" bullsh*t, and can't admit the real reason why we're doing this. It's a three letter word. Oil. Libya has a sh*t ton of it. It's the EU's number one provider of oil, in fact. If Libya destabilizes to the point of total chaos, it puts even more strain on Saudi Arabia and Iraq, and both are already at the breaking point. We had no choice. Doesn't mean I agree with the decision -- sometimes, you have to pay for your mistakes. The US needs to realize that we cannot continue to not drill on our shores and barren wilderness regions in the Arctic. We're paying for 30 years of inaction, and it's only going to get more costly the longer we keep the mistake going.
* "Sunday! WrestleMania 27! You gotta be ready for this!" -- Jon T, Cedar Rapids.
If by ready you mean "ensure I have no outstanding warrants and/or other issues that might cause me to be arrested in my own domicile again", then yes, I am ready.
* "Did you see Bo Jackson's gonna be here for Opening Day! Bo Freaking Jackson! And that STILL isn't enough to lead you to at least scalp a ticket?" -- Jasson W, Shawnee.
Baby steps, champ, baby steps. Step one: find a sunny as hell, warm temperature day game, and see how it goes. No sense pushing it. Wouldn't want to regret my "re-dedication to the faith".
* "Are you still going through "Lost" withdrawals? God knows I am!" -- Megan K, River Market.
Oh, is that what's causing my shakes, sweats, and red eyes? Thank God! I thought it was the shiraz. Whew, false alarm! It's just television withdrawal!
In all seriousness, yes, I am missing it. You know you have an addiction when it's been nearly a year since the show went off the air, and I still go to Lostpedia every day to see if there's some new theory, idea, or "gotcha!" moment some blogger has posted.
* "Bowling league almost over. I hate that". -- Kyle M, parts unknown.
Yeah, guess you'll have to go back to attending high school events again to check out the South, Barstow, and Aquinas girls. Sucks to be you.
* "Scariest thing you've seen on the Internet in the last couple weeks"? -- Dusty J, KCK.
Without question, it was logging into Facebook last night, randomly clicking on the "suggested friends for you" link, and there, on the second f*cking row, was "Deadbeat Ex Roommate" smiling back at me through his profile pic. And yes, the thought did cross my mind of adding him as a friend, and if / when he accepted, changing my profile pic to the massive bonfire we had burning his left over sh*t back in the day. As the Bloodhound Gang would note, "we don't need no water, let the mother f*cker burn!" That was a great day. An absolute good. Good times! Speaking of which ...
* "I assume you saw I'm at Stanford and Son's next month! (clap!) Dynomite!!!" -- Jimmie "JJ" W, TV Land.
Hell yes I noticed! May 4-8! The one, the only, the greatest sitcom actor ever, Kid (clap!) Dynomite himself, Jimmie "JJ" Walker!!! Expect the emails hounding you to join me for a night of stand up comedy and some post-performance gaming at Dave and Buster's to start any day now.
* "I assume you also saw who's at the Crossroads on June 5th" -- Chris N, Downtown.
Oh f*ck yes I did! My favorite performing and/or recording artist! The one, the only, Ben Harper! Sadly without his Innocent Criminals in tow. His concert from 2006 is one of my favorite days in life. This time, let's hope it's not in monsoon-like conditions. Because ...
June 5th is shaping up right now to be THE most epic day of the summer. In fact, I can envision the day now ...
7am: alarm goes off. Realize I mistook the floor for the bed the night before.
7:01am: first vodka and Sprite of the day is poured.
7:15am: finish showering, toss on some shorts and a t-shirt, and it's go time.
8am: meet up with friends. Third vodka and Sprite is going down smooth.
8:30am: park at the Speedway, begin tailgating.
8:31am: there isn't a cloud in the sky, it's already 80 degrees on the way to 92.
8:32am: Sit in (the new!) Leinenkugel chair with huge sh*t eating grin on face.
8:35am: some washer boxes magically appear.
9:05am: a football magically appears.
9:15am: that ladder toss game thingy magically appears.
9:25am: t-shirt magically disappears.
9:30am: a six pack of Polar Ice vodka and Sprite down, plenty more to go.
9:45am: Usher appears on the stereo. Life is looking good.
10am: a grill gets going.
10:30am: the Chiefs beer pong table magically appears.
10:45am: I lose a vote to sub vodka and Sprite for beer in said beer pong game.
11am: first visit to the side of the car due to ridiculously long port-a-potty lines.
11:10am: not even the Black Eyed Peas on the stereo can ruin this day.
11:30am: enjoying a quality Scimeca beer-flavored brat loaded with mustard.
11:45am: a dugout magically appears. Life is definitely good.
noon: time to sadly break everything down. For now ...
12:30pm: reach seat.
12:40pm: driver intros. Boo the 88 mercilessly. Give standing ovation for the 4 and 14.
1pm: boogity boogity boogity boys, let's go racin'!!!
3:20pm: race ends with epic finish, as the 4 holds off the 24 and 48 at the line.
3:40pm: reach car, begin post-race tailgate while waiting for lots to clear out.
6pm: pack up, begin drive to the Crossroads.
6:30pm: reach Crossroads. Find quality spot with solid view of stage.
7pm: Ben Harper concert! Ok, opening act, but hey, roll with it, it's my dream day.
8:15pm: Ben Harper takes the stage!
10:30pm: closes down an epic two set performance with "Burn One Down". Which everyone at said concert is doing.
11pm: reach home and pass out, again mistaking the floor for my bed.
* "Child please! Everyone knows the most epic day of the summer is whenever the 410,001st ouncer is!" -- Chad O, Livestrong Park.
Good point. Need to start planning that bad boy. And yes, the ounces jumped by 60,000 this year, versus 50,000 last year. Rough year on the liver.
The days I'm looking at for the Third Annual! celebration of drunken debauchery:
Saturday June 25th: vs White Sox, 6pm first pitch. A rare Saturday night with no promotion.
Saturday July 9th: vs Tigers, 6pm first pitch. It's Buck O'Neil Celebration night.
Saturday July 23rd: vs Rays, 6pm first pitch. Sadly, it's not Halter Top night, it's Ladies Ballcap night.
Saturday August 20th: vs Red Sox, 6pm first pitch. No promotion, but double header day possibilities.
(The game on August 6th is off the table, due to a potential trip to beautiful Western Nebraska, and I use that term "beautiful" as sarcastically as possible. I've seen Scottsbluff, I've toured Hemingford, and I've stayed in Chadron. Can't say I'm proud of any of those statements of fact).
Anyways, if you have an early favorite, hit it up in the comments. That's what they're here for. I'm down for any of the four, none of them interfere with any potential trips to a race here or in Indy, so it's all good.
* "As the resident American Idol addict, what do you think of the season so far? Who are you rooting for?" -- Ashley G, Bonner Springs.
This has been my favorite season since season six, and it's certainly the deepest the talent pool has been since that year, when any of top five contenders could have won (Jordin, Blake, Melinda, LaKisha, Chris), and it wouldn't have surprised anyone.
Of your eleven remaining contestants (as of Thursday afternoon), here's how I'd rank them in terms of likeability to me, and my thoughts on their chances.
11. Thia. She's a perfectly mediocre singer. Doesn't screw up, but doesn't inspire. I don't see her lasting past the top 8, if she even gets that far. (Update: sh*t canned by the voting public Thursday night).
10. Naima. I personally cannot stand her, but I can understand why some folks love her. Very polarizing figure that probably craps out by top 7. (Update: sh*t canned by the voting public Thursday night).
9. Paul. From this point on, you can make a legitimate argument for the singer reaching the Finals. The talent this year is just sick. I should like Paul more than I do, since he seems destined to record the type of music I love (stoner stuff). That, and he's baked 24/7 and doesn't give a sh*t who knows it or can see it. I love people like that. But vocally he's not even close to the eight remaining contestants, save for maybe number 8.
8. Haley. I joke that she's destined to become an adult entertainer, but she absolutely brought the house down with "Bennie and the Jets", completely jump-starting her chance at lasting past next week. (And her gimmick? Oh yeah, ripping off Michelle Pfeiffer's piano tease from "The Fabulous Baker Boys". Embrace it chica! Embrace your destiny!!!) If she can build on that, this could be her Jordin Sparks Memorial "Broken Wing" performance, when Jordin went from a middle of the packer to a legitimate threat to win.
7. Casey. I would not have used the judge's save on him last week. Way too soon. And he's not even close to the best contestant in this competition. But now he'll have some momentum behind him, and hopefully he shows he deserved the save (like Matt Giraud did two years ago).
6. Scotty. He's definitely the odds-on favorite with eight weeks to go. But a lot can happen in eight weeks, especially if you keep singing the same thing over and over again -- ask LaKisha what happens when you never show any variety in your song selection and vocals. I don't care for him nearly as much as most Idol fans do, but he's got one helluva career in country music ahead of him even if he doesn't win (and in some regards, he's probably better off not winning. Worked out well for Kellie Pickler, Josh Gracin, and Bucky Covington).
5. Lauren. She's my sleeper. If I was a gambling man (and I am), I would absolutely drop $20 on a 30:1 ticket for her to win it all. She's sneaky good. And figures to only get better every week going forward, as her lack of experience fades away (like Jordin four years ago, who was scared of the stage in Hollywood, and by Idol Gives Back night, she was the unquestioned front-runner).
4. Pia. My favorite female in the competition. I jokingly compare her to a young Ali MacGraw, but the comparison fits. Well, ok, Ali was actually hotter, if that's possible. A young Ali MacGraw is definitely the one seed in a "most underrated smoking hot female of all time" tournament. But Pia's also got tremendous vocal talent to go with the looks. Like Scotty though, will singing only one type of song every week (a power ballad) do her in prematurely? (Because God knows I'd be done prematurely with her. (rimshot!) Thank you, thank you very much).
(a very young Ali MacGraw in a "Love Story" publicity shot. And this doesn't even begin to do her justice. Hang on, I need 17 seconds before continuing my Idol Power Poll ...)
3. Jacob. The other sleeper in the competition. This guy's growing on me. Every week he gets stronger. Has a kind of David Cook "where the hell did this guy come from" feel about him. Except unlike Cook, I don't think he can win. He can, however, reach the Finals, and wouldn't be a bad bet to wager on to do so.
2. James. Absolutely love this guy. I now totally get why people so dug Adam Lambert two years ago. (I personally hated him, but I've softened on him post-Idol). James is nowhere near as flamboyant as Adam, but he's the one person willing to put on a show and risk alienating the audience every week in search of a perfect moment. He'll never play it safe. I respect that. If you put a gun to my head and made me wager my life on who will win this thing, I'd say James.
1. Stefano. Yes, he's going to crap out early, possibly as soon as this week, if he continues to struggle with song choice. Unless it's a stupid theme night designed to screw everyone (like 50s night or Showtunes night or (god forbid this ever happen again) Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber night), there's no reason to pick a song you've never heard of before. Still, I liked him the best coming out of the Top 24 week, and I'm not jumping ship just yet.
* "Nate Dogg dead. How unbelievably sad. How absolutely unbelievably sad" -- Warren G, Compton.
Damn skippy. I am anything but a fan of rap music (as I routinely note, you can't spell "crap" without the word "rap"), but "Regulate" is one of the greatest songs of my lifetime. "Regulators! Mount up ..."
And speaking of mounting up, when the hell are we gonna get another quality basketball movie released to the American public? "Regulate" is in essence the anthem to one of the best, "Above the Rim". You had a stretch there in the mid to late 1990s where every year you had a great hoops movie (or at least a thoroughly entertaining movie that had a major hoops plotline). Beginning with "White Men Can't Jump", which I didn't care for but hey, the run's gotta start somewhere. "Blue Chips", which is one of life's guilty pleasures. Watching Nick Nolte's epic meltdown after he beats Indiana -- who knew that was just the appetizer to what he was going to become? And the talent on the court for Indiana and Western in that game -- Shaq, Penny, Calbert Cheaney, Rex Walters, Adonis Jordan, Bobby Hurley, Matt Novak (who's getting a tractor as his payoff never fails to crack me up), and of course, the General, Robert Montgomery Knight! How did this movie bomb out? Then you had "He Got Game", which I actually love and gave us another of the few rap songs in life I love, "He Got Game" by Public Enemy. And be honest -- every guy my age damn near had to change their boxers after watching Ray Allen "act" with Chasey Lain and whoever the other porn star was in the threesome set up by Rick Fox. (Talk about living a charmed life -- his name is Jesus, he's nailing porn stars two at a time, and when he feels like staying faithful and having an ounce of a moral compass in his life, he's being faithful with Rosario Dawson! Where do I sign up and when can I start!)
And then it culminates with one of my five favorite movies of all time, "Love and Basketball". On second thought, maybe the genre has hit it's peak. Cause you can't improve on "hey. Double or nothing". Just like you can't improve on "Regulate". Nate Dogg, RIP champ. You will be missed. (steve pouring out a 40oz for his departed homey ...)
* "Man, you are really passionate over this whole "NCAA is a joke / pay the athletes already" crusade of Jason Whitlock's. For someone that freely admits he dislikes Whitlock with a passion, I can't believe you'd take his side on this" -- Sam W, Lawrence.
Well, I can take his side on this because he's 110 percent right. The Ed O'Bannon lawsuit is the most important piece of legislation in the court systems right now, save for the suit to overturn Obamacare. (Undecided how I feel on that one, honestly).
It is a crime -- it is an outrageous, criminal act -- the NCAA is committing on its athletes. I personally do not favor paying college athletes for their on-the-field, on-the-court performance. I feel that any room and board and tuition they receive is payment enough for their athletic antics. But I am completely behind Mr. O'Bannon and his fellow suit filer, former Huskers QB Sam Keller, when it comes to royalties.
Tell me why it is fair that Deion Sanders got a cut from his jersey that is in the back of my closet, and Chris Webber received $0.00 for his jersey? What possible justification is there for the NCAA and the university to profit 100% on player jersey, photo, and memorabilia sales, and yet the player IN PERPETUITY (a fancy phrase meaning (george strait voice) "forever and ever amen") cannot deposit even $0.01 off of the marketing of his or her image, likeness, and/or athletic attire? And not just while in school, but cannot collect that $0.01 royalty ever?
It's beyond an outrage. It's slavery in its most pure and basic form, only without some fat white overseer cracking the whip if someone acts up in the cotton field. Everything else, fits slavery's most basic definition -- profiting from the exploitation of human labor while providing no compensation for that exploitation. I pray they win this lawsuit. The NCAA is a f*cking joke, and everyone knows it. It's long past time for the courts to put the clown suit on the NCAA and expose this plantation once and for all for what it is.
* "I think the anti-union bill in our court system up here is pretty damned important too" -- Brooke B, Milwaukee.
Absolutely. Look it, I get that states are struggling. God forbid we ever actually dig into the reasons why the states are bankrupt. (Here's a hint: look at the actions of the Kansas Legislature from 1996-2000, and you'll have a crystal clear answer for why the states are broke. And incredibly, we are increasingly turning the nation over to the idiots that bankrupted it and put us in this financial disaster. The American voting public truly is f*cking retarded).
But here's my question to Governor Walker, to Governor Kasich in Ohio, and to other anti-union, anti-government zealots out there: why in the hell are you seeking to LOWER the income level and the lifestyle level of people? Instead of seeking to crush union employees, why are you not seeking to RAISE private sector employees' incomes and lifestyles to these "greedy, selfish, better than anyone else" levels union employees supposedly enjoy?
Public unions are only looking out for themselves and their members? They're greedy? They seek to exploit the corporation (which in this case is government) to improve their members' lives? I would hope so! I would hope that ANY union is fighting for every last f*cking penny for it's members! That's the whole damned point of a union!
Which is why Wisconsin makes no sense. I thought the whole point of conservative economic principles was to RAISE the lifestyle of people? Wasn't that President Reagan's great explanation for an economic system his Vice President called "voodoo economics" -- that "a rising tide lifts all boats"? Apparently in 30 years we've gone from the optimism of a rising tide, the idea that what is good for the wealthiest, should also be good for the less fortunate, we've gone from that to what -- capsizing the boat in the tide and, like Billy Zane in "Titanic", using the oar to keep anyone below the C deck off the damned life boat?
This is why conservative rule scares the living hell out of me. Not only do they tend to focus on stuff that has NOTHING to do with what government should be involved in (morality), when they do focus on legitimate government issues, like the economy, they are 100% ass backwards in how they view things. In just ten years, they've gone from President Bush (correctly) cutting income taxes for EVERYONE, to now, only supporting corporate tax cuts, and cuts for folks making over a certain income under the misguided notion that "only the top percent pay all the taxes". Well, if that is the case, how the hell did we get here? The reason only the wealthiest pay taxes (and yes, the top 5% of wage earners pay 81% of the federal income taxes), is because someone with a brain in the 1990s (in this case, Presidents Bush and Clinton) realized that those who earn the most, should pay the most! What a concept!
What's going on in Wisconsin is outrageous, because it's what unchecked capitalism results in -- screw the worker, screw the middle class, the only thing that matters is the man in charge. And it's wrong. It's beyond wrong. For years, I've been saying that "the single greatest threat facing the United States today is unchecked capitalism". Greater than terrorism, greater than any other threat. Unchecked capitalism is "evil in our time". Every day proves me more correct.
Sadly, Governor Walker's bill is constitutional, and no sane court is going to ultimately block it. And I have no problems with asking employees to pay more for their benefits. God knows I get asked to do it every year at my private sector job. What I do have a problem with, is giving a tax cut to a company that just laid off 1,000 people last year to "improve it's bottom line" and raise the stock price a couple pennies. I'm certainly not saying that socialism is the answer -- it's not. But the path these folks are taking us down is definitely not the answer. They're only going to make things worse than they already are. And things are as bad as they are because we listened to these idiots in the first place.
OK, let's start to wrap this up.
* "So since I know you love to gamble, I have an idea. You know how everyone always has those baby pools for pregnant people? You know, guess the date of birth pool? Well, I thought for Amber, our wine tasting hostess, we could do a "guess the color of the baby" pool. What do you think?" -- Katie H, Lenexa.
That might be the greatest gambling idea since the no-commission pai gow tables opened. (If you don't play pai gow, trust me -- it's damned hard to calculate paying the commission on a $15 win after sloshing through $45 worth of double vodka tonics. Uum, not that I've ever been in that position). It's genius, because you legitimately have no idea what color it will be! She's already got one illegitimate kid by a black guy. Now that bastardo numero dos is on the way, I mean, is it the skuzzy boyfriend's? (I don't throw around the term skuzzy very often, but this guy is skuzzy). Is it a Latino? Is it Indian? A mixture? Will she have to appear on "Maury" to identify the lucky dude out of the 53,937 possible baby daddies? (OK, ok, we all know this one is going to happen).
I love this idea. I'm in for $20, and I got skuzzy white trash as the child's color and appearance.
* "Do you ever read "Drunken Hook-Up Failures" on Deadspin? Those poor souls are even more unlucky than you buddy!" -- Mike G, Irving.
Yeah, no foolin'. It's my favorite feature on Deadspin's site, when readers email in their epic drunken hook-up failures. Although I still contend that no matter how awful you think your drunken hook-up adventure is, you ain't topping waking up spooning with a chick with a mustache. Been there, done that (rimshot!) Thank you, thank you, I'm here for a couple more queries.
* "I know you're a "Two and a Half Men" fan. Who would you replace Charlie Sheen with (if you'd replace him)?" -- Ashley K, Shawnee.
Honestly? I'd end the show. Maybe bring it back for a four episode closing arc for November sweeps, but how do you replace Charlie Sheen? He was that show. Some shows have replaced one of their two or three lead characters and gotten better because of it -- hell, my favorite show of all time did it twice (from David Caruso to Jimmy Smits, and Rick Schroder to Mark-Paul Gosselaar). Unfortunately, "Blue" also made arguably the worst transition ever (from Jimmy Smits to Rick Schroder) that damned near killed the show creatively, drove David Milch to the relative calm of "Deadwood", and did kill the show in the ratings, as they bled nearly a third of their audience by the time the Danny Sorenson years were mercifully ended by a Russian mob hit in a strip club. (The only decent storyline Milch and then David Tinker ever came up with for Sorenson -- working undercover at a mob run strip club (classily named "Tailfeathers"). Shockingly, I loved that story line ...)
Ditto here. There is noone CBS or Chuck Lorre could hire that would make you forget Charlie Sheen's character. Noone. It's a credit to Sheen and Lorre that his character was that important to the show. But it should also be the wake-up call to pull the plug as well.
* "Tim Tebow doing underwear ads? Seriously?" -- Tyler C, South KC.
Good for him. Seriously. And I don't just say that as someone still anticipating a spread in the Abercrombie summer catalog someday soon. Look it, I make fun of Tebow because ... well, because I can't stomach the college and the pro team he played / plays for. My hatred of the denver broncos knows no boundaries or limits. And Florida under Urban Meyer was the poster child of what a "lack of institutional control" should mean. (And go figure, the overseers at the NCAA did nothing. 30 plus arrests in 5 years, and the white massas do nothing. They're an absolute friggin joke. As Al Pacino said in "Scent of a Woman", "Someone should take a flame-thrower to this place!")
But the guy seems like a fun dude. I've said it before, and I'll say it again -- I absolutely love people that can make fun of themselves, that don't take themselves seriously. People who are perfectly fine with being the butt of the joke. Those are, generally speaking, the fun people in life to be around, because nothing's off the table. (Like last night -- I actually bowled out of my freaking mind last night. I had 23 marks in 30 frames, and topped 150 twice (my low game was 144). That never happens. Anyways, final game, we're pushing to take 3 of four, and off a spare, I bowl a 1 on the first pin. Dusty's immediate response: "Way to go Bill (Self)! Attaboy Billy!" Brought the house down, including me. If you can't laugh at yourself, you're probably not someone I want to spend a lot of time around).
Tebow strikes me as that kind of guy, a dude who's perfectly comfortable with who he is, doesn't mind it when folks laugh at him, because he's laughing at himself right along with you. Plus, God forbid anyone in our generation actually live their lives via a moral compass. I respect the hell out of the guy, because I couldn't live like he does. Good for him. The world needs more Tebows and less, in the words of Marcus Spears, hoodlum, thug, and theeve in it.
* "OK, I'll say it. Is anyone even remotely surprised by Aqib Talib's recent arrest on shooting charges"? -- Matt F, Topeka.
Nobody who's ever followed Kansas football is surprised, I'll put it that way. I've always thought it was stunning that the football / basketball players brawl occurred the year after Talib left. If anyone was gonna start a cross-campus brawl, I'd have laid even odds on Aqib Talib.
* "Really, you think Paul is stoned on "Idol"? How would you know what a stoner looks like?" -- Will D, Independence.
We're close.
* "The only reason anyone cheers for (derision voice) Danica is because of her tits and her ass. Tits and ass! That's all she's got!" -- Gus B, Raytown.
We're damned close.
* "Remember that time I sexted you at 2:17am and wanted to use your body as a jungle gym? I'm still waiting for your response" -- Jennifer J, Belton.
We're almost there ...
* "Did you see that story about the fat dude who literally was stuck in his chair? Dude hadn't moved in two years, was covered in urine and feces, one cop was so sickened by the visual and stench that he literally puked on site and contaminated the scene, and yet, the most amazing thing I saw from this story, was that dude had a girlfriend! She had to be pushing 3 bills!" -- Gregg G, Bonner Springs.
We're there. Although my initial reaction reading the story was "wouldn't she get bored always being on top?" Until next time, keep those "emails" and sext messages coming! (pause) Uuh, I probably should have chosen a different word to pair with "sext messages" in that last sentence ...
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