Thursday, April 12, 2012

idol top 7: i love the way you lie ... i mean, cover said song

Wow, we’ve really reached top seven night?  Already?  Amazing. 

So what crappy theme night do we get tonight, Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber?  Songs of the British Invasion?  I know, I know, let’s do some Disco Night again, no?  Wait, what’s that?  It’s … Songs of the 2010s?!?!  Holy cow!  “Idol” finally enters the modern era of music!  Color me pleasantly surprised!

Dim the lights, here we go.  First up is Skylar, the chick rapidly growing on me in this competition, doing “Idol” alum Kellie Pickler’s* “Didn’t You Know How Much I Love You”.  I have to be honest – I have never heard this song once in my life prior to now, so I have no idea what to expect.

(*: from season five.  Which means that Ms. Pickler, Elliott Yamin, Chris Daughtry, and Mario Vasquez all failed to win that season, yet Taylor Hicks did.  What a joke.)

Should probably note before starting, today’s recap is being fueled by the awesome new Loaded Bacon and Cheddar Potato Skins chips by Ruffles.  These things are amazing.  Also, since I’m on vacation the next two days, there might be a beer or three consumed during this recap, under Steve Rule Number One (it’s never too early for the first drink of the day).

And that was a thoroughly enjoyable opening to the show.  Not as good as last week’s “Wind Beneath My Wings”, but thoroughly enjoyable.  Randy: “I felt you”.  Eeeew.  “That was crazy hot!”  Again, eeeew.  Dude, dog, you’re 50!  She’s what, 17?  Eeeew.  JLo: “perfect pitch, you nailed it … perfect way to start the show”.  Steven: “when you sing a song, it’s a complete sentence … the crows may crow, but the hens deliver the goods”.  OK, I’ll bite: what the HELL is THAT supposed to mean?  That’s grouse, I think.  It’s definitely Zues in nature.

Up next, this site’s rubber chicken, Colton, and doing Skylar Gray’s “Love the Way You Lie”.  Gotta be honest – when the song list leaked yesterday, I noted to “The Voice of Reason” that I hoped Colton would be the one to cover this. 

Uum … I need to rewind this.  The first time was way too enjoyable to only listen to once.  And after listening number two … (pickell voice) let me put it this way: Colton’s cover of “Piano Man” is currently my ringtone, I enjoyed it that much.  I would consider his cover of “Piano Man” as one of my 20 favorite “Idol” covers ever.  This?  Was better.

Love how slow tempo it was.  Love it.  Love the way he didn’t go for the huge emotional close, he kept it in the dulled down, subdued tone of the first 90 seconds for the most part.  My only complaint is the same one I have every week: does dude know there’s a dead animal on his head?  Sweet freaking Jesus, his hair inspires nightmares.  He looks worse than any member of Wham! in the mid 1980s.  But with vocals like that?  I can forgive the fact that a skunk has occupied the top of his head.

Steven is clapping like a trained seal with a huge smile.  JLo: “you’re able to take every song and really, really, really, really make it your way.”  I suppose I should take a moment to note that JLo is looking really, really, really, really f*cking hot tonight: nice tan, black dress that leaves little to the imagination – if she had the diamond nose stud that so freaking turns me on, I might fly to Hollywood and stalk her based on her look last night.  Steven: “you are such a rare talent”.  Dare one dream?  Has this site actually latched onto the winning rubber chicken for once?  Randy: loves Colton’s jacket – “its crazy fly”.  Oh no, Randy agrees with me, loves that he didn’t go for the huge ending.  When Randy Jackson and Stevo agree on something … gotta feeling this might turn into a Steve Rule.  Oh wait, it already is, Stevo Rule Number Nine (if you ever do or think something, and people’s reaction to it is “you have to be mentally retarded or named Steve to have done or thought that”, just assume you’re wrong.)

That was really good.  Next up, duet time!  Gotye’s “Somebody That I Used To Know”.  I like this song.  Phil and Elise on the cover.  This is really good.  The single biggest reason why I’m so digging this season --- the WORST performance each week?  Almost always is better than the best of any given week last year.  Steven: “you guys nailed it”.  JLo: “I loved the feel you guys brought to it”.  Yup.  Randy: cracks a joke about domestic violence.  Oy.

Now for The Sanchize, covering “Stuttering” by Jazmine Sullivan.  I have never heard this song before.  And after that performance, if I never hear it again?  I won’t complain.  The Sanchize could be in serious trouble tonight.  That was an overthought, over-wrought, totally forgettable performance that isn’t going to motivate anyone to vote for her.  (Which means the judges will love it).  Randy: loves the arrangement.  “You set the bar really high”.  What the hell did he just hear?  That wasn’t “superb, at the highest degree”, that was crap.  “You slayed the biggest fish of the night!”  (pausing …)  Close enough.  Yes, yes she did, with the rope, and Mrs. Peacock appears to look guilty.  JLo: “that was really beautiful”.  Ok, whatever.  Steven: “you slay it every time”.  Yup, and it’s a rare two-fer!  In the conservatory, with the wrench, and Colonel Mustard is fleeing the scene …

Ugh, Josh up next, doing Bruno Mars’ “Runaway Baby”.  Hang on, I’ve been booze free until now, but I can’t hold out any longer.  And amazingly enough, that wasn’t bad.  Until the very end, when Josh becomes Josh, and drags out poorly hit notes for twenty seconds longer than needed.  I swear to Christ, this guy makes me want to bash my head repeatedly against a concrete wall.  Steven: “you can sell a song like a work of art”.  JLo: “a Joshua type performance is so dynamic”.  Actually, I concur – it’s like a sleazy Vegas act with a Wayne Newton type carnival barker.  Randy: “unbelievable performance”.  And yes, I intentionally skipped over Steven attempting to get Josh some action with the background dancer.

Duet Numero Dos, Skylar and Colton covering Kelly Clarkson and Jason Aldean’s “Don’t You Wanna Stay”.  Wait, weren’t these two just paired together on “Islands in the Stream” last week?  F*ck it, when a duo is as solid as these two are, pair them together every week.  That was an amazing cover.  I’d absolutely drop $1.29 on iTunes for my own copy of it.  And that deservedly gets the first standing O from the judges on the night.  Steven: “you two just made love to each other (up there)”, referencing the rumor that these two are an item.  That’s two performances in a row Steven goes for the cheap hookup joke.  Gotta admit … it’s creepy, but it’s funny.  JLo: I think she liked it.  Randy: “I thought that was ok for me”.  That does it – this guy wouldn’t know quality music if Jesus himself was performing in front of him.

Hollie up next, covering Pink’s “Perfect”.  She has to be the odds on favorite to go home tonight, right?  Barring a surprise Sanchize crap-out?  Although we still have the judges save in play for two more weeks to save someone. 

I am so not digging this performance.  For starters, she looks like a freaking flamingo* in that outfit.  Secondly, some songs are better slowed down and stripped down.  This is not one of those songs.  Finally, she has serious pitch issues.

(*: at the pool, there are two flamingoes in the garden, Stone (because the damned thing looks stoned) and Eileen (because it can’t stand upright).  Yeah, weed and/or alcohol may have been involved in naming two inanimate flamingoes.)

The judges do not look happy, nor should they, that was turrible.  JLo: “you look beautiful”.  Kiss.  Of.  Death.  Steven: “it wasn’t perfect for me”.  Randy: “you helped to kind of redeem yourself this week”.  I’d lay even odds on Ms. Cavanagh being on the chopping block tonight.

Phil up next, covering “Give a Little More” by Maroon 5.  What, DMB didn’t sign off on the songbook?  Because clearly Mr. Tamborine Man signed off on giving some green to Phil before this performance.  Good God, his eyes are glassier than mine at a Ben Harper concert.  Attakid!  This is a typical Phil performance – something you can envision paying $25 to watch at Starlight or Sandstone for two hours as you get baked off your ass.  No complaints here.  Steven: “you look like a Steve McQueen / Johnny Cash kind of guy”.  WHAT?!?!  JLo: “underwhelming”.  Randy: basically trashes the performance.  If I tried to type what he said, I might be here for another four pages, and we only have two performances left.

Should probably mention, Akon was your guest mentor last night.  Why?  I have no idea.  I think he had a hit a couple years ago with Gwen Stefani, but I’d be lying if I said I remember what it was.

Trio time!  Josh, Hollie, and the Sanchize covering “Stronger” by Kelly Clarkson.  One of those vocals were thoroughly forgettable (The Sanchize).  One made you long for a hole in your head (Josh).  The third, that was pretty solid?  Was Hollie.  She was relaxed, looked like she was having fun, basically the opposite of her performance ten minutes ago.  JLo: the performance “made me proud”.  Steven: someone should check what’s in his Coke glass.  Randy: “this is dope”.  No, that would be what Phil consumed five minutes ago.

Finally, to close things down, Elise doing “You and I” by Lady Gaga.  Haley Reinhart KILLED this song last year, with the revolver, in the lounge, and every other “Idol” contestant was fleeing the scene.  It’s gonna be tough to top that effort.  And while that wasn’t bad … that could have been better.  I think she’ll be safe this week based on how solid she’s been, but that was NOT a solid effort.  (If she is the lowest vote getter tonight, there is zero doubt in my mind the judges will save her.  Ditto if it’s the shock elimination I see coming, and the Sanchize is the lowest scorer).

Randy: “Elise is back!  She’s back!”  Uum, is she in it to win it though?  JLo: “you did exactly what you wanted to do”.  Well no sh*t Sherlock.  Steven calls it a “genius” effort.

Overall, not one of Season 11’s best nights … but the most mediocre of nights this season, is still better than most nights last year, and virtually any night from two years ago.

Predicted Bottom Three: Phil, The Sanchize, Hollie.
Predicted Bottom Two: The Sanchize, Hollie.
Predicted Elimination: Hollie.
Judges Save?  Yes.  Setting up a double elimination next week.

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