While we’re on a “what I’d pick if I could” segue … and you’re damned right I can’t fall to sleep tonight, the NFL schedules come out tomorrow at 6pm Chiefs Standard Time. Here is my finalized “dream schedule” for the 2012 regular season …
* Week One: Monday, September 10: vs broncos (9:15pm CT, ESPN). I’m breaking my own personal “the donkeys should always play at KC on Thanksgiving Night” rule for this one. Why? Because I cannot imagine any greater thrill than seeing all-time asshat peyton manning carted off the field at about 10:15pm, his season and career over, roo-eening denver’s season, in the house that didn’t require its owner to lie to the denver city council to build. (In case you’ve forgotten, “classless jackass” patrick j. bowlen actually stood before the denver city council – as the DEFENDING super bowl champions, and claimed his team “could not compete” in the NFL without a new stadium. As the DEFENDING super bowl champions. Although tragically, I’m guessing pat can’t remember doing that nowadays. Again, I hate denver more than I hate al-qaida. But I wouldn’t wish Alzheimer’s on my worst enemy, and pat or john elway definitely fits the bill of “worst enemy”. Well its them, or “deadbeat ex-roommate”.)
* Week Two: Sunday, September 16: at Bills (noon, CBS). What’s the over / under on the amount of fines Eric Berry has to pay (jimmy buffett voice) come monday for decapitating all-world turd stevie johnson, $75,000? $100,000? I’ll chip in my $3 contribution towards payment to the League office.
* Week Three: Sunday, September 23: at Chargers (3ish, CBS). I know FOX has the stand-alone late game in week one, CBS in week two. After that, not a clue. Let’s just get our ass whipping at our house of horrors out of the way early.
* Week Four: Sunday, September 30: vs Bengals (noon, CBS). First Bengals trip to KC since 2007. Probably the first Chiefs win over this team since then.
* Week Five: bye. Chiefs will hopefully be 3-1 at worst entering the bye, and ideally 4-0. I’m definitely “buy” on the 2012 Chiefs at this point.
* Week Six: Thursday October 11: vs Falcons (7:30pm, NFLN). Tony G’s untriumphant return to the stadium whose fans he whizzed on, and whose team he quit on. You’re damned right I’ll be raising two middle finger and trying to start a “f*ck you Tony!” chant during player introductions.
* Week Seven: Sunday October 21: at raiders (3ish, CBS). Chiefs have won 8 of 9 in hell itself, the only loss being in overtime in 2010. I hope that trend continues.
* Week Eight: Sunday October 28: at Saints (noon, CBS). If this 2012 Chiefs team is going to be even 2/1000ths as good as I’m feeling about them, they win this game, in the Dome, as every Saints coach and player returns from suspension (save for head coach). Great benchmark contest.
* Week Nine: Sunday November 4: vs Chargers (3ish, CBS). I don’t see KC and San Diego meeting for a third straight year on Monday Night Football … but absolutely see them meeting in a stand-alone late afternoon matchup.
* Week Ten: Monday, November 12: vs Ravens (7:30pm, ESPN). The Chiefs have been officially lobbying for years to permanently host the Veterans Day game. Why not give it to them for once?
* Week Eleven: Sunday November 18: at Browns (noon, CBS). If the Chiefs can’t win this game, they ain’t playing beyond December 30.
* Week Twelve: Sunday November 25: at Steelers (noon, CBS). Sorry, I just don’t see the “Todd Haley is our new OC” angle putting this game into prime time.
* Week Thirteen: Sunday December 2: vs raiders (noon, CBS). As great as KC has been by the Bay? They’ve lost five straight at home to oakland, and truth be told, it should be nine. Weirdest rivalry in the NFL to try to figure out.
* Week Fourteen: Sunday December 9: vs Colts (noon, CBS). The Chiefs have beaten Indy twice since they moved to Indy – last year at Indy … and 2004 here at Arrowhead. Uum, considering Indy fled Baltimore in the Mayflower moving vans 28 years ago, that ain’t good.
* Week Fifteen: Sunday December 16: at Bucs (noon, CBS). Yes, yes, yes, I absolutely want this game in December. And if you don’t grasp why, then you don’t get “Toes” by the Zac Brown Band.
* Week Sixteen: Sunday December 23: vs Panthers (noon, FOX). Do you realize this might be Cam Newton’s only appearance at Arrowhead? And before you laugh at the absurdity of that idea, realize – Mike Vick has only played here once (2004, a 56-10 Chiefs win), and if he starts here for Philly next year, is likely his final trip to Arrowhead. Troy Aikman only played here once (1998, Chiefs 20-13 win). Aaron Rodgers won’t play here again until 2019, barring a trade or release. Eli Manning won’t play here again until 2017, ditto Tony Romo. Josh Freeman won’t play in his hometown until 2016 at the earliest (barring trade or release). Matt Stafford won’t play here until 2015 at the earliest (barring trade or release). Other than “donkeys day”, THIS is the game I am most geeked about for 2012’s home schedule.
* Week Seventeen: Sunday December 30: at broncos (3ish, CBS). These two teams have met in the final week of the season with a “winners in, losers out” scenario exactly once: at Arrowhead, on Christmas Eve 1992. The game that led to Dan Reeves’ firing, OJ Simpson proclaiming at halftime that “the Chiefs have no chance”, and ended with Kevin Harlan expressing with glee as DT sacked, stripped, and recovered john elway’s fumble for a touchdown that “not even Santa Claus can save the denver broncos today!” We’ve met in the season finale 2 of the last 4 years. Let’s make it 3 of 5.