Thursday, September 22, 2016

week three: let's roll ...

“That (coaching box)’s got the sun going down behind it.
If there’s a good time in this town?  Girl, we’re gonna find it.

You look so damn good, climbing up in my Chevy!
I tried to play it cool, but I knew already
By the way you looked in the dashboard light?
It was gonna be one of those nights.

Got the Kenwoods banging the rock and roll!
Whisper to me baby, where you wanna go!
I can ride you round town,
Or drive you down some old back road!

I love the way
You lean that seat back,
Steal my ballcap,
Pull it down over your blue eyes!

Watching your hair fly,
Out the window,
Just lettin’ the night roll –
And I can’t wait to see where it goes! …”

-- “Lettin’ The Night Roll” by Justin Moore.  God above, I love -- I mean freaking LOVE -- 3:25pm kickoffs at home ... especially in late September / early October ...

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Last Week SU: 7-9-0.
Season to Date SU: 14-18-0.

Last Week ATS: 8-8-0.
Season to Date ATS: 15-17-0.

Last Week Upset / Week: winner!
Season to Date Upset / Week SU: 1-1-0.
Season to Date Upset / Week ATS: 2-0-0.
This Week’s Upset O’ The Week: Patriots (+1/2) over Texans.  I mean, seriously – the Patriots are a home underdog?  In the words of snarky cat lawyer Mousey McDermott: “you have GOT to be kitten me!”

Last Week SUCK: oh buddy!
Season to Date SUCK: 2-0-0.
This Week’s SUCK O’ The Week: Packers (-4 ½) to depants the Lions at Lambeau.  Hide the women and children – this one is the proverbial only game playing on every television in the eighth layer of hell itself.

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(Note: the SUCK gets credit for being wrong, because it's my favorite bet on the board.  So if you're hurting for some extra money for Junior's diaper fund, load up on Detroit!)

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The Non-Chiefs, Non-Jets Pigskin Prognostications.

(Sadly, still porn star free.)

(Also, all odds as always pulled from Danny Sullivan, via USA Today.)

* at Patriots (+ ½) 28, Texans 20.  Are you sh*tting me?  The Patriots are home underdogs?  When the hell was the last time that happened?  This, and the Texans are not all that and a bag of chips, folks.  The Red and Gold gave that game away last week.

* at Bills (+4) 27, “Super” Cardinals 20.  A fascinating cross-conference matchup.  Desperate Buffalo – already 0-2 and staring the Patriots in Foxboro looming next week; a chance for the “Super” Cardinals to get the season back on track by stealing a road win.  Sexy Rexy will throw everything – up to and including the proverbial kitchen sink – to ensure the Bills’ playoff goose isn’t cooked before September ends.

* raiders 31 (+1), at Titans 13.  Who’d have thunk these two squads would both win their road openers?  And even more ridiculously, the Titans are favored?!?!?!  This is the second line so far that makes no f*cking sense to me.

* Redskins (+4 ½) 24, at Giants 20.  I refuse to believe the ‘Skins are this awful.  And I refuse to believe the Giants are this good.

* at Dolphins (-6) 7, Browns 0.  This might be the Good Times Game O’ The Year, not just of Week Three.

* at Jaguars (pick) 34, Ravens 14.  You hate to call Week Three a “must win game” … but this is one desperate Jaguars squad, staring a trip to London to face the even more desperate Colts next week. 

* at Packers (-4) 45, Lions 10ALF Game O’ The Week.  Also, only four?  The line is only four?  I’m halfway tempted to actually wager on this.

* at Bengals (-2 ½) 20, satan’s squad 10.  Without question – (allard baird voice) without question! – the best early game on the board.  These two staged an epic game to close out the Monday Night schedule last year – a game that had Cincinnati held on to win, would have vauled the Chiefs to the conference’s top seed.  (“house of wings” voice) That’s bad, Bengals.  That’s really, really bad.

* at Panthers (-7 ½) 31, Vikings 20.  I might need to rethink the previous paragraph’s opening sentence.

* at Seahawks 24, 49ers (+10 ½) 14.  The Niners are feisty.  But not so feisty that they’re winning in Seattle.

* at Buccaneers (-5) 31, Rams 14Webster Game O’ The Week.

* at Colts (-2 ½) 34, “Super” Chargers 27.  I never – and I mean never – bet against a proven veteran team, at home, with the season on the line.  No matter how many times it blows up in my face.

* Steelers 27, at Eagles (+3 ½) 24.  If the Niners are feisty, then the Eagles are frisky.  But not so frisky they’re going to upset the Steelers.

* at Cowboys (-8) 28, Bears 10.  I guarantee you whoever the hell runs Sunday Night Football will harass the NFL this week to give NBC the ability to flex every Sunday night game.  Because this one is horrible.  And I would have said that even if Jay Cutler was playing.

* at Saints (-3) 38, “Shane” Falcons 17.  The only people who won’t be watching the most anticipated debate in our nation’s history on Monday night, will be the 70,000 some odd folks that pack the Superdome.  And I’m guessing at least 20,000 of those 70,000, will have what damned well might be Secretary Clinton’s last stand, streaming on their phone. 

The Fab Five:

A fond look back at five meaningful plays, games, and moments in the Jets / Chiefs (not even remotely a) rivalry.

5. Rise and Walk.  1992, in the Real Meadowlands, Chiefs QB Dave Krieg managed to avoid a Jets blitz.  Sadly, Jets DE Dennis Byrd couldn’t avoid his teammate after Mr. Krieg avoided his blitz, and he broke one of the vertebra in his neck as a result.  Thankfully, Mr. Byrd today has for the most part recovered from the injury … but that play ended his promising career with the Jets.

4. Stevo Gets Assaulted … at Arrowhead?!?!?!  Yup, it happened – the season opener in 2005.  I had a couple Jets fans sitting behind me, and they apparently took tremendous offense to my shouting “Chiefs!” to close the National Anthem.  So they did what any classy Jets fan would do: they threw beer at me.  Not “accidentally drunk stumbled and spilled”, oh hell no.  They launched those suckers.  Needless to say, they were gone-zo by kickoff, thanks to our good friends in the security detail at Arrowhead.

The idiocy that tops it all?  I absolutely had my Jets hat on.  They assaulted a dude who roots for the Jets against every team other than the Chiefs.  Who says Jets fans aren’t the best and the brightest?

And what those two missed, as a result of their intolerance of this dual loyalty dude?

3. The sweetest opening drive of the Richard A. Vermeil Era.  That beer-soaked afternoon saw the Chiefs win the toss and choose to receive.  They started at their 23 yard line.  Three plays and 77 yards later, they were in the west end zone, kicking off a Perfect Stevo Day en route to a 27-7 win.

The beauty of this drive?  The Chiefs called the exact same play, back to back to back.  Priest offtackle left, Priest offtackle left, LJ offtackle left.  They threw the same exact play at the Jets three straight snaps … and the Jets were powerless to stop them.

2. The Chiefs roo-een the beginning of the Chadwick Pennington era.  The 2002 Chiefs, coming off my favorite game of the Richard A. Vermeil Era (a 48-30 absolute depantsing of the unbeaten Dolphins ... and what many argue is my finest hour, as a sh*tty writer), traveled to the Real Meadowlands for a Week Five matchup.  The game went back and forth, and was tied at 15 entering the fourth quarter.  Then, the fun began.

Chadwick to Santana “Doo Doo Doo Do Doo!” Moss for a touchdown bomb.

Trent Green to Dante “The Human Joystick” Hall for a touchdown bomb.

A Jets field goal with a little less than three to play to give Gang Green the lead … until Trent Green calmly and methodically marched the Chiefs down the field, and threw a simple little screen pass to Priest Holmes with 0:30 to play.  Nineteen yards later, the Chiefs had the lead, 29-25, and then survived a late Jets drive to escape with the win.

Good stuff.

1. The first Chiefs playoff game of my life.  The AFC Wild Card game in 1986, a game the Jets blew the Chiefs out in, 35-15.  Still, it’s the most significant Chiefs / Jets (coach don fambrough voice) showdown, throwdown, hoedown, of my nearly forty year existence.

The Tailgating Plans:

We are keeping things relatively simple for this one, since we have to pace ourselves with the extra three hours to play with.

Menu is for brats, dogs, and burgers, plus assorted side dishes.  I’m going to make the jalapeno poppers again (since you people ate every last one of them.  No, seriously – 140 of those things, gone-zo in barely an hour.  Unreal.)

I’m sure there will be a healthy assortment of adult beverages to choose from as well.

I secured the early-in pass on Monday.  The Bus leaves no later than 8:30 for the First Church of Terrorhead.  The early-in is supposed to get us in at 10am.  But my “highly placed confidential source who speaks only on condition of anonymity” (aka “Rufus”), thinks the early-in will be at 9, and the main gates once the backup reaches Stadium Drive.

And yes, I have seen the forecast for Sunday.  It’s still three days out.  Forecasts can change.  Let’s all hope and pray the cold front stalls, and gives us one last perfect day of summer.

But if it does rain?  Well, we’ve (luke bryan voice) been there done that before.  We’ll be ready.

Also – and this actually is important – Classic Speakers are returning!  I bought the adapter.  I tested it last Thursday.  It works!  (Note: I’m not sure what stuns me more: I delivered on a promise to you … or Russ the Bus Man fixed the cigarette lighter on a bus that is 53 years (harrison ford in “clear and present danger” voice) and change, old.  Either way, I’m fine with it.)

We will not be hurting for sound this week.  Or any more weeks to come.

Sobriety?  Yes.  Hurting.  But sound?  No.  Never again.

(Pause).

Wow, yet ANOTHER #never, in the year of #never!  So adding that to the list, Stevo’s Site Numero Dos’ Official Hash Tag Never listing now is:

#nevertrump
#neverdenver
#neveragain

Three nevers.  That makes me think of this song, actually.

The “Klassy” Kevin Keitzman Tweet O’ The Week:

Ol’ Klassy has sent exactly one tweet in the last three days, and it was a retweet from the Chiefs, noting that they face the Jets this week.  God, how I long for the alleged days, when pulling one's pants up, was an alleged command, from law enforcement.

Inside “Mixology”:

Where I explain why one of the songs guaranteed to be heard at the tailgate, is guaranteed to be heard at the tailgate.

This week’s selection is “Innocent” by Our Lady Peace.

In the interest of full disclosure, this is on my Mount Rushmore of Songs in life.  (The other three being “Somewhere Only We Know” by Keane, “I Don’t Want To Be” by Gavin DeGraw, and “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road” by Sir Elton John.)

This, peoples and peepettes, is what I listen to on the walk into Arrowhead.  Because if you aren’t fired up after hearing this song, if you aren’t ready to (drew magary voice) run through a godd*mned brick wall after hearing this song?

Then you’ll never get the impact music can have on life.

Give it a listen.  I don’t think you’ll regret it.

The Jets “Fling It And Pray” Prognostication …

And …

The Chiefs Prediction:

Normally for Alumni Weekend, I type up a quick blurb honoring my favorite (and least favorite) Chiefs from the past, drop in a few cheap shots at “69, offense” – which to be fair, aren’t really cheap shot, Jeff Criswell was that atrocious of a lineman – say a few choice prepared remarks about the inductee (this year, it is former Chief and Jet Tony Richardson), and mail in a prediction.

(bill vinovich voice) “Holding, 69, offense.  Ten yard penalty, replay the down.”

Sorry, I couldn’t resist at least one.

But I’m not going to do it this year. 

I’m not going to write a passionate plea to show up.  Do I want each and every Chiefs fan reading this to make an appearance?  Of course I do.  The fewer Jets fans in the building, the better.  Do I think this game might possibly define the season?  Of course I do.  The Chiefs are staring 1-3 in the face if they drop this one.  (Sorry folks – hate to spoil next week’s prediction, but the Chiefs are going to get stomped in the Steel City.) 

Am I going to catch crap because in all likelihood, I’ll wear the Jets hat with a Chiefs t-shirt?  I would hope so.  I’d frankly be disgusted with each and every one of you, if you didn’t at least drop a “f*ck your hat!” comment at me.

I am terrified of this contest.  And I mean terrified.  As in “holy f*cking sh*t, Donald J Trump “House of Wings” is one flipped state away from being the favorite with only six weeks to go!” terrified.  Just like with the election?  This one ain't gonna be easy.  (Dammit.  Because I agree -- how the hell isn't Secretary Clinton up fifty points?)

But I truly believe, despite the 74 minute and some odd second struggle this is going to be?  It will be a win.

(damien voice) NO!  NO!  You are NOT allowed to predict a close, specific outcomeYou nail these way too often!

Sorry dude.  I am.  Because I do.

* at Chiefs (-2 ½) 23, Jets 20 (OT).

It just wouldn’t be an epic Chiefs season, unless a few overtime victories at home to open it, was involved.

Hope to see y’all out there.  And as always: anyone and everyone, irregardless of who you are or happen to be, is always welcome, wanted, and appreciated, at the best tailgating spot at Arrowhead, the grassy knoll north of the G30 sign.  We don’t discriminate, we don’t leave out, we don’t leave behind, we don’t refuse to invite or include.  Even if you discriminate, leave out, leave behind, and refuse to invite and include.  Black, white, gay, straight, Clintonista or “House of Wings-ist”, we don’t care.

We’re here to see where the night rolls, no matter how you, uuh, roll.


And I’m damned ready to see where it goes …

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