“It may seem to you,
That I’m acting confused,
When you’re close to me.
If I tend to look dazed?
I read it some place --
I’ve got cause to be.
There’s a name for it.
There’s a phrase that fits.
But whatever the reason?
You do it for me! Oh oh oh!
What’s love got to do,
Got to do with it?
What’s love but a
Second hand emotion?
What’s love got to do,
Got to do with it!
Who needs a heart,
When a heart can be broken? …”
-- “What’s Love Got To Do With It” by Tina Turner. Damn, the opening with the Twin Towers. Never fails to hit me ...
--------------------
Welcome back to the one thing this site does at least occasionally semi-decently: the weekly NFL predictions post! I cannot believe football season is here. It seems like it was just yesterday I was sitting around a kitchen table in Puerto Rico saying I cannot wait for this season to begin. It actually was nearly three months ago. Oy. Time flies when you’re having fun, I guess.
So here’s the hustle and flow for the 2017 weekly prognostiations:
* The “Screw You Pete King” Upset O’ The Week returns. (And not by popular demand.) This is named because in 2010, SI / MMQB columnist Peter King (whose writing I actually like, a lot) ranked your Los Angeles “Super” Chargers ahead of the Kansas City Chiefs every single week in his Fine Fifteen, despite the fact that, you know, the Chiefs never trailed the Chargers -- or anyone -- for even one stinking day in the divisional standings. Call me crazy, but records matter … at least until January.
* The Non-Jets, Non-Chiefs Predictions. What it sounds like -- my guess both ATS and SU for every game not involving the Chiefs or Jets for the week. Basically, if you’re hurting for money, just bet the opposite; you’ll be rolling in dough in no time!
Some weeks there will be a running theme; other weeks it’ll be a quick one line blurb (if anything) about my thoughts on the contest. As always, if you’re looking for quality, consistency, and competence? You’ve come to the wrong site, pal.
* The worst game(s) on the board each week remain the same. I suppose it is to the Big Five networks (and various other cable and/or streaming outlets) credit that there was no new sitcom last year so sh*tty, it “earned” must-see status on this site’s gambling posts. So, in order, the games remain:
“Good Times” Game O’ The Week: worst game on the board.
“ALF” Game O’ The Week: second worst game on the board. (Note: will not always be employed.)
“Webster” Game O’ The Week: third worst game on the board. (Note: will not always be employed.)
“Empty Nest” Game O’ The Week: fourth worst game on the board. (Note: hope this is never employed.)
“One Day At A Time” Game O’ The Week: fifth worst game on the board. (Note: pray this is never employed.)
I’ve never had to go deeper than “One Day At A Time”, and I’ve been doing the picks email / post for pushing twenty years now. Let’s all hope and pray we never discover what’s worse than “One Day At A Time” * . Because if there’s a hell worse than three hours with Schneider and the Romano family, I don’t want to know it.
Oh, and these games receive this sitcom designation because I’d rather watch three straight hours of said sh*tty sitcom, than watch the actual game itself.
* The “2 Legit 2 Colquitt” Idiotic Hunches. Predictions for my primary fantasy football league’s slate of showdowns. (Note: this one was requested. You’re welcome, 2L2C League Members.)
* The “Klassy” Kevin Keitzman Tweet O’ The Week is back … and folks, have I got a doozy teed up for Week One. (To say nothing for Week Two ... holding back my thoughts on a Tweet of Ol' Klassy from 9/2 is really tough at this point.)
* The Tailgating Plans -- employed for all Chiefs home games, as well as any roadies I will be in attendance at. (As of now, that's only two: Dallas and the Jets, plus the annual roadie to South Dakota for the raiders roadie. Sorry Houston -- I tried. Couldn't get that much PTO given the changes in my life over the last month.)
It’s what it sounds like -- your invitation to join my group, and participate in whatever the hell we’re eatin’ and drinkin’.
* The Watching Party Plans -- employed for all Chiefs games I will not be in attendance at. It’s what it sounds like -- your invitation to join my group at wherever the hell we’re eatin’ and drinkin’.
* The Jets Best Guess -- what it sounds like. My prediction for my 1B squad.
* The Chiefs Prognostication -- what it sounds like. My prediction for my 1A squad … plus occasional commentary and/or observations on life, football, and whatever the hell is on my mind in the moment.
Still undecided is if there will be any guest commentary. As always, should you wish to submit your picks and/or thoughts of whatever, and I actually know who you are, you have my invitation to submit via Twitter direct link (@teamtito15), Facebook (teamtito15) or email (teamtito15 at yahoo or gmail; your call), and I will post unedited, save for font and sizing. (I just copy and paste whatever you send me into the post. It’s nothing fancy folks. These blogs write themselves.)
And as always, if there’s something I think of that I think might be a fun thing or three to try out? You’ll read it below.
So, in the words of a local Kansas City area radio personality, who won herself a sh*t ton of cash and prizes on “The Price is Right” last summer: “let’s do this!”
--------------------
(*: I’m almost embarrassed to admit this … but the "One Day At A Time" reboot on Netflix isn’t half bad. Note I did not say it is half good. But it is not half bad.)
--------------------
Last Week ATS: 0-0-0.
Season to Date ATS: 0-0-0. Enjoy it folks; this is high tide.
Last Week SU: 0-0-0.
Season to Date SU: 0-0-0. SU I’m usually at least 54%. Which is terrible. But still.
Last Week “Screw You Pete King” Upset / Week: not applicable.
Season to Date “Screw You Pete King” Upset / Week: 0-0-0. You laugh now, but I’m usually decent at getting the one big “how the hell did this happen?!?!” pick right each week.
This Week’s “Screw You Pete King” Upset / Week: Lions (+1) over “Super” Cardinals.
--------------------
The Non-Jets, Non-Chiefs Predictions:
(Note: all lines pulled from USA Today on the day of posting.)
* “Shane” Falcons (-7) 41, at Bears 13. When you draft someone second overall, and have such little confidence in him after training camp and a month of preseason that you have him hand off nine straight times to open your fourth game, you probably botched the pick. Just sayin’.
* at Bengals (-2 ½) 27, Ravens 24. I love this game. One of the best on the board for Week One.
* Steelers 31, at Browns (+10) 27. Upset alert potential. But if not, “ALF” Game O’ The Week.
* at Lions (+1) 34, “Super” Cardinals 24. I have both teams in the playoffs. In the words of Billy Joel: “don’t ask me why”. (Although also in the words of Billy Joel: “you may be right, and I may be crazy. But I may just be the lunatic you’re looking for!”)
* at Texans 31, Jaguars (+5 ½) 28. Smells like a field goal game. Which is probably better than the greater Houston metropolitan area is smelling right now (rimshot)!
In all seriousness -- I’m an adopted Texan. The four years I lived in that state were without question -- (allard baird voice) without question! -- the best four years of my life. I hope and pray I get to move back someday. This site is with ya Houston -- which thanks to more trips than I care to remember over the last two Chiefs seasons, has somehow moved ahead of the Metroplex as my preferred place to move to, when I move back someday.
* Eagles (PK) 24, at Redskins 21. I have no idea how to bet this one. Let alone predict it.
* raiders (+1) 38, at Titans 20. Although I’ll be rooting for the Marching Mariota’s. Also, Mike Mularkey is so getting sh*t canned by Week Six.
* at Rams (-3) 9, Colts 3. Goff! Tolzien! Rams! Colts! ONLY … on FOX!!!!!
* Panthers (-5) 24, at 49ers 17. Will probably be closer than you think. Especially if “Son of Shanarat” is even half as quality of a coach, as his dad was.
* at Packers (-3) 31, Seahawks 27. Wish I had a half point to play with, either way. This smells like a last second field goal victory for the home team, four days out.
* at Cowboys (-3) 41, Giants 13. The Giants are the most overrated team in football. The exposure begins Sunday night.
* at Vikings (-3) 20, Saints 10. This one could have some ramifications for the six seed come New Year’s Eve.
* at those people (-3) 17, Chargers 10. I may only be speaking for myself … and every Houston Texans fan as well … but I’m so freaking glad I can go back to hating brock osweiler again. The “Brave” days are over, dude.
--------------------
The “Klassy” Kevin Keitzman Tweet O’ The Week:
I honestly … I mean, let’s just take these in order, starting with the oldest.
Because “The Klassy One”, Ol’ Klassy, “K”KK, decided to weigh in via an air of moral superiority on Royals pitcher Danny Duffy’s recent arrested for (allegedly) being passed out drunk / under the influence of something, in a south Overland Park Burger King. (In Mr. Duffy’s defense, the Royals lost 12-0 earlier that day. He wasn’t the only one binge drinking / inhaling the defeat away.)
Let’s start in the beginning, since after all, if it works for God, it works for me. The initial weigh-in from this fine, upstanding family and God-fearing man:
If you ignore the fact that he TOTALLY botched where Mr. Duffy was all day Sunday (seriously, Ol' Klassy -- if you watched the broadcast (and trust me, I did), Mr.'s Lefebvre and Hudler let you know Mr. Duffy was not with the team), so far, nothing to really complain about. KC's doctor of sports journalism is at least trying to do his job early on -- report facts regarding Kansas City sports people.
Here's the second blast of Tweets -- which led Deadspin to label The Klassy One as a "reporter":
"When Duffy heard sirens, he woke up and tried to get into (the) passenger seat." I swear kids, I could not write comedy this good. Please, please, please tell me, Ol' Keitz is going to lecture us on how awful someone is, that has to encounter the cops while in an (allegedly) compromising position:
I mean, are you serious right now? He's (possibly) upset that Mr. Duffy isn't apologizing for this unwanted encounter with law enforcement. It's hard to tell if he's upset or proud of Mr. Moore noting competitive people tend to have unwanted encounters with law enforcement more than the average person. (I lean proud.) He's trying to flat out say it's drugs, not booze, when even the cops flat out say it was booze (a nearly .22 BAC).
And my personal favorite -- "he needs to feel shame".
I swear, I truly swear, are you bleeping kidding me? A man who built his financial and sports empires by destroying "just here for the paycheck -- we need the cat food!" sports talk show hosts like Don Fortune"ato", a man who is nothing but a walking billboard at this point, a man whose biggest claim to fame is a pathetic stunt against the Yankees TWO BLEEPING DECADES AGO, this man is noting that people need to feel shame? Jesus man! How many more Cookie Diets, Tickets for Less remotes, boring as hell hours of Racin' Boys radio, and pimp-outs for D Clink's book on kicking cancer's ass do we have to endure before YOU feel some damned shame sir? Give me a number! Just give us a number! I'll post a countdown on top of this site and count down to it!
And "the facts will all come out"? The Klassy One wanting the truth, the facts, to come out? Since when! Some of us have (allegedly) been waiting for nearly two decades for the sh*t known as "truth in journalism" regarding Kansas City's Pope of Sports Journalism to shake hands with the proverbial fan!
And as if all that isn't hypocritical enough ... he ends with this:
"This incident is the result of having an issue."
What, pray tell, is that issue? Mr. Duffy has never had any issues with law enforcement before, as far as any of us are aware of. He's never even been the hint of having an issue with anyone other than people who think bears aren't funny to wear as costumes after big wins, as far as I know.
And yet, this is an "issue"? The dude got blitzed on a 90 degree August Sunday afternoon! Who amongst us hasn't done a lil' day drinking on a nice sunny summer day? Hey! Put your hand down, Ol' "Klassy" -- I was there fourteen years ago at that blackjack table at Harrah's, after a warm summer Saturday of day drinkin' for a least some of us at Arrowhead beforehand.
So, to sum up "K"KK: Mr. Duffy got loaded ... but we don't know on what. He's never done anything like this before ... but he clearly has a substance abuse problem that is raging out of control ... and we have no clue what said substance abuse is, but hey, let's just assume the worst in this kid and pile on during his lowest moment of his existence to date.
This man just ... the sleaze of this "reputable journalist" just irritates ... this royally irritates the cat p*ss out of me. No wonder Don Fortune couldn't keep his car clean back in the day. I don't even have a working automobile at the moment, and even I want to grab a cat off the street and let him whiz away on any seat he wants to, this man p*sses me off so much.
Please, just retire already. You used to be too good, to sink to these depths of utter idiocy sir. For what's left of your self-righteous legacy, please -- in the words of The Left Banke: "just walk away, ("K"KK)". Please.
--------------------
The Tailgating Plans:
There are no "The Tailgating Plans", as this is a road game I will not be in attendance for.
--------------------
The Watching Party Plans:
I will be watching this one at home alone, with a twelve pack of the frosty cold refreshment known as Coors Light. I have to work in the morning. And considering ... hang on. Let's insert a section here.
--------------------
A Real Life Update:
My career sabbatical came to an end today (Wednesday, September 6), as I started a new job that is strangely similar to every other job I've had for the last eighteen years. I feel like Al Pacino in "Godfather III" at this point: no matter how much I claim I'm out? Reinsurance keeps dragging me back in ** !
As I'm not sure about what "new employer"'s social media policy / policies are, I'll just call them "new employer" on this site until future / further notice. But they're in a lovely six story building close to where the old BMA building is off 31st Street, just south of the Crown Center District here in lovely KCMO, and across from the Children's Mercy building on Broadway.
I needed the last few months off. I do not think it is an exaggeration of the truth to say that six more months in my previous position would have caused me to suffer a severe health episode. When your blood pressure is 152/123 leaving the office every day, you are -- as my PCP Dr. Frank has noted more than once -- "a walking stroke". And I enjoyed the hell out of these last five, nearly six months. I got to travel -- to Chicago for a family reunion, to Puerto Rico for my first true vacation in nearly six years. I got to dog sit; I got to reconnect with friends I'd lost touch with *** , and recharge connections that aren't as strong as they once were.
To put it mildly, in the words of embattled UCLA coach Jim Mora Jr.: "it was really neat!"
But every good thing eventually comes to an end ... even if in my case, it's usually at least three minutes before the plan calls for an ending (rimshot!). So back to work I go.
As always, thanks for the support, the love, the kindness, and having my back no matter what, as so many of you do. I ain't nothing without you people **** .
--------------------
(**: funniest moment from day one though, was during the introductions of the accounting / finance team. I get taken to an office ... and sure as sh*t, it's someone I used to report to at Transamerica. I think I'm gonna like this place. We're getting the good gang back together! (Sorry Eric. I love ya buddy. Ditto Kyle. Neither of you were the problem at "previous employer" or at TA. (Pause). Come join a winning team! If they'll hire me? They'll hire anyone!)
(***: one friend in particular, who I didn't exactly part on friendly terms with, as he was forcibly evicted from the Stubbs house over nine years ago. Let's just say, b*tching about the utter ridiculousness that was -- and is -- our former landlord and "great, true friend" over a few libations, never gets old. Also, go figure -- I met him at Transamerica. God bless, (little kids voice) it's a small world after all.)
(****: best moment of the weekend? Without question -- (allard baird voice) without question! -- getting to "check out the bees" in the North Forty portion of the Second Parents back yard. Oh, how I had missed you, medicinally legal herbal product that gets me through life 72.43% of the time! I hadn't lit up in two months due to that pesky grizzled veteran known as "drug test". That first inhale ... sweet Jesus. As a Twitter buddy of mine would just simply say when describing something amazing: (chase h voice) "sex".)
--------------------
The 2 Legit 2 Colquitt League Idiotic Hunches:
It's Week One of Season Twenty One in my main fantasy football league. Hard to believe this bad boy was the brain child of someone the summer between our sophomore and junior year of college. (It's also hard to believe that not only are seven of our ten initial members still in this league ... but our league is now old enough to drink! Man, that is frightening. Also, of the three MIA's, one is happily living in California, one sadly passed away thirteen years ago, and the third I haven't seen since James' funeral. Life. It's a b*tch sometimes.)
Anyway, here's the guesses, with the point spread lines provided by espn.com:
Last Week: 0-0-0.
Season to Date: 0-0-0.
* B*tch Kitties (Cooksey) (+3.3) over GO BIG RED (Gordon, Garrett). Our defending league champ is getting points against a retired grandpa and a (almost) seven year old? This is literally taking candy from a baby (in this case, Garrett's new brother)!
* Salty Bananas ("bts") (-4.3) over Mike Ditka in your mouth (Vince). The ConDome will be rocking early and often this week. ("bts" voice) damn skippy.
* Angry Beavers ("The Voice of Reason") (-11.3) over Focus and Finish (Chane). The only matchup this week featuring two members of "The Remaining Seven". This one also will probably be the least competitive matchup of the week. Also, why are the beavers always so damned angry? We long ago settled that they are a noble creature!
* JYD's Huskerbugeaters (Ross) (+12.7) over Patrick is Mahomes ("Reputable National Sports Columnist"). I'm counting on the five time -- five time! -- reigning champion to hold off the ringer for a week. Because in this league? To quote the great Ric Flair: to be the man? WOOOOOO!!!!!! You gotta beat the man!
Also, how the hell did someone who once destroyed Transamerica property by putting a magnetic schedule on his monitor (that's brilliant!), parlay that into a "reputable national sports columnist" gig in barely ten years? Jesus, overachiever! :)
* Jasson's Occiffers (Jasson) (+1.4) over Orinoco Flow N My Pantalones (Potter). Winner gets a stale chip and half-baked CCQ sauce from Don Chilito's. There are no winners here.
* Banana Hammocks (Will) (-10.3) over team tito (me). It could be a long, hard season at The Sombrero for the fighting titos.
--------------------
The Jets Best Guess:
For the record, I'd start Christian Hackenberg until he literally couldn't crawl under center anymore. L O S E Lose Lose Lose!
Get Booed Off for (Mason) Rudolph!
* at Bills (-11 1/2) 45, Jets 2. More tables will be destroyed in the parking lot by drunken Bills fans, than the Jets will score points.
Which, to be fair, the same could also likely be applied to the number of points their Bills will score, too.
--------------------
The Chiefs Prognostication (And Possibly Mildly Entertaining Commentary):
If there is one song that perhaps perfectly encapsulates the 2017 Kansas City Chiefs season, I would argue it is Tina Turner's epic Grammy smashing classic, "What's Love Got To Do With It".
Because let's be honest here: what the hell does love have to do with this upcoming season?
Especially when it comes to the player that should (and hopefully will), take every meaningful snap from center over the next five months?
"Sir" Alex has been in this position before. As the late, great Glenn Frey so perfectly put it: "everybody's talkin' 'bout the new kid in town!" Including this guy. I got multiple compliments on my Mahomes embroidered ballcap at both preseason games. But as noted, he's been the jilted lover who just won't exit stage left without his lovely parting gift before, in 2011, in San Francisco.
(Note: I have no problems with jilted lovers demanding their lovely parting gift before departing the scene. It's better to pay to play, if it comes to it. Because if she leaves you so unsatisfied you have to jilt her? Cut the cord no matter the financial cost. Also, I am forty, single, and haven't had a meaningful relationship reach night three as anything other than friends in pushing a year, so just assume I'm full of it, as always.)
Here's the thing though, Chiefs fans: the lover we all want to kick to the curb?
Is the best thing we've thrown under center in literally a generation.
He's led us to the first playoff win in twenty two years ... and it should have only been twenty. (Trust me, I was there for both: at Indy (Part One / Part Two) and at Houston (The Whole Enchilada).) He's missed one start due to injury in four years -- and the Chiefs won it (vs Jaguars last year -- sorry, couldn't find a recap on this site ... and I don't have access to "previous employer's email files" anymore.)
If you had said four years ago -- coming off the single worst season in franchise history -- that the WORST thing to happen to this team in the next four years would either be (a) a twenty eight point meltdown in one of the greatest playoff games in NFL history or (b) a brain fart of a hold in an epic defensive battle in prime time in January at Arrowhead (which had never happened before -- every previous playoff game at Arrowhead started no later than 3:30 CT), would you have taken it?
Because I would have.
Sh*t, I did.
And if you're being honest?
You would have too.
--------------------
The Chiefs are not going to win Thursday night. I hope and pray I'm wrong ... but in the words of a late, great friend and sorely missed tailgater: "I may be stupid, but I ain't that stupid. (Pause). Well ..."
But here's the thing, and Sammy kind of hit on it today (online; guessing it's in print tomorrow) -- this is an opportunity where the Chiefs literally have nothing to lose. (Other than the game, of course.)
If the Chiefs lose? Everyone expected it. Nobody is going to go throwing sh*t against the wall, beating up their significant other, or enraging the late, great Mr. William Grigsby by taking it out on the dog. Nobody -- up to and including me -- expects the Chiefs to win tomorrow.
Which is why this is so perfect. There's no expectations.
This isn't a gigantic inflated balloon that, when punctured, sees the season collapse (partly or totally) because of it. This isn't an all or nothing proposition. This isn't the 2010 Opener against the "Super" Chargers. This isn't the 1999 Finale against the raiders. This isn't Week Sixteen 1996 against the Colts (the single most underrated defeat in franchise history ... at least in my lifetime). This isn't Carson Palmer to Peter Warrick as a drunk, debauched Bengals fan decked me square on in the face in Week Eleven 2003. This isn't losing to the worst team in football to open 2007. There are so many things this game is not.
What matters, is what it is.
And that is fun.
Sometimes? Love has nothing to do with it. Sometimes? It's just a second hand overrated emotion. Sometimes? A heart has no reason to be broken.
And God bless, when it comes to Red and Gold football?
It scares me to feel that way.
* at Patriots 30, Chiefs (+7) 24. I honestly think this will be a push at 31-24 Patriots. I just have to pick an ATS winner ... and gun to my head, Chiefs find a way to steal the half point to their side.
(Hopefully) coming next week: the Week Two Predictions, Stevo notes "The Klassy One"'s indefensible, irresponsible, and beyond irritating opinions on gun violence (see his 9/2 Twitter timeline) ... and Stevo fires with both barrels (after receiving undercover recognizance from a few friends and my former co-worker and "highly placed confidential source within the organization who speaks only on condition of anonymity" ... hopefully ... the artist known as "Rufus") on what the Red and Gold have in store for us tailgaters for the 2017 regular season. Here's a hint: the only thing worth cashing in your STM benefit points for?
Isn't available for "purchase" in 2017 ... at least as of today ...
No comments:
Post a Comment