Tuesday, August 7, 2012

the mixologist's final choices ...


Well, this is it, peoples and peepettes, the last edition of Mixology for the preseason.  I have 27 more tailgating classics, staples, and “what the f*ck is Stevo smoking to put THAT song in the rotation?!?!” choices to drop, plus the wildcards, and in the spirit of bi-partisanship that I am sorely lacking*, yes, you the reader gets to decide on the final song**!  (kazoo voice) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(*: 91 days to go folks!  Only 91 days to go!  And in case you missed the gigantic bomb dropped on Drudge today … I’ll just say this: IF the pick is General PetraeusIt’s over.  IT'S F*CKING OVER!!!!  

I personally think this election is over as of today anyways – in the only poll that isn’t cooked (that would be Rasmussen), Mr. Romney actually leads by more right now, than Mr. Obama did at this point four years ago.  Barring a scandal that noone knows exists, or a gaffe of McCain-esque proportions, I think Mr. Romney is staring at winning a 380 electoral vote landslide in the face.  As a Clinton Democrat, that saddens me.  As someone who puts country first?  I cannot WAIT to drop a “f*ck you Barry” as I proudly cast my vote for Romney / Insert Veep Here.)

(**: yup, I’m hauling the poll out of retirement!  The wonders never cease on this site!!!)

Here then, are the Mixologist’s Fifth 27, the 12 Wildcards, and if you want to cheat, look to your right at the top of the page, where you vote in your choice for the last slot.


As a FYI, if you’re coming out on Friday, we’ll be in our usual spot shortly after the gates open (to the immediate north of G30 on the grassy lot.)  Friday is going to be a very special day for me, and quite honestly, it’s the sole reason I’m attending my first preseason game since 2009, and my second since 2007: my “Special Little Guy” is making his Arrowhead debut!  The third generation will officially commence!  And THAT is an absolute good!

135. “Humpin’ Around” by Bobby Brown.  From the “sweet Jesus, how old am I?!?!” department … this song was released TWENTY YEARS AGO this month!  I was a sophomore in high school when this song came out, again, TWENTY DAMNED YEARS AGO!

And you know what?  It holds up pretty well:

“Get up off my back!
Save your heart attack!
Ain’t nobody humpin’ around!

No matter what they say,
Lord it ain’t that way!
Ain’t nobody humpin’ around!”

Sure Bobby.  Sure …

134. “One Love / People Get Ready” by Bob Marley.  If you’re easily offended, please try to ignore the cloud of smoke that is guaranteed to appear while this song is playing.  (And if you aren’t easily offended, we’re a sharing community.)

133. “Dancing Queen” by ABBA.  It’s not my favorite late 1970s effort, but most people seem to enjoy it.  Guaranteed to spark a dance revolution, so that’s a good thing.

132. “Move Along” by the All American Rejects.  A nice up-tempo, easily enjoyable song.  Plus, it’s what you want to say to the cops when they show up while “One Love” is playing – for the love of God, “move along” guys.  NOTHING to see here.

131. “Let It Be” by the Beatles.  Nowhere close to my favorite effort by the Fab Four (that would be “Across the Universe”, barely edging “In My Life” and (oh!) “Ticket to Ride” in a photo finish.)  But there’s two Beatles songs everyone knows, and this is one of them, so on it goes.

130. “Halfway to Heaven” by Brantley Gilbert.  My favorite song released in the last twelve months, and honestly, nothing other than maybe “Home” comes close.

“When you see life flash before your eyes?
The good, the bad, the wrong, the right?
Fade into a bright white light
That’s shining down on you?

You’re handing on by a threat,
Wondering which one’s your last breath,
Knowing there’s so much you have left to do?
You live your life a better man, when you’ve been
Halfway to Heaven …”

129 and 128. “Ants Marching (Live)” and “Funny the Way It Is” by Dave Matthews Band.  Come on, I’ve only thrown one DMB effort into Mixology 2012 so far.  Cut me some slack.  I’m in absolute shock it took me until Day Five of Mixology to drop a Dave two-fer on you.

127. “Make Me Lose Control” by Eric Carmen.  If you never read the post on the craziest night of gambling of my life, take a few minutes to check it out

126. “Every Monday” by the Marvelous 3.  What the Black Keys are for some people?  The Marvelous 3 is for me*.  I’ve never heard a song they have done that I dislike.  This, or “Freak of the Week”, off the criminitely underrated “Hey!” album, is their most popular effort(s) … but “Sugar Buzz” (which I chose for Mixology Part IV) is their best. 

The second verse from “Every Monday” is just epically good:

“I was f*cked up by five,
Talkin’ nothing but jive,
Told the bartender he’d never
Take me alive!
All of this because my favorite show
Was cancelled last night on TV …

So I called up Marie,
She’d have sex for free.
But for ten bucks an hour?
She’d listen to me
Talk about rock stars and models on dope,
And why I can’t cope with this scene …

Every Monday I get this pain.
Every Wednesday it hits my brain.
Every Friday I die, because every day,
I still think of you!”

Now THAT’S true love!  Or a serious stalker. 

(*: and not just for me – my favorite college hoops writer at espn.com, Eamonn Brennan, is the biggest Marvelous 3 plan walking the planet.  What can I say, great minds think alike.  (dusty voice) or drunken minds!  (howard stern voice) Hey now!)

125. “Hicktown” by Jason Aldean.  Leaving “Hicktown” out of a Mixology rotation, would be like KU or Duke failing to reach the NCAA Tournament.  It’s an unthinkable tragedy.

124. “Margaritaville” by Jimmy Buffett.  (stevo scanning the Mixology 2012 playlist …) sweet freaking Jesus, this is Buffett’s first song?  Really?  Are you kidding me?  I’m that guy, who spends a couple nights a week listening to Buffett’s concert on Radio Margaritaville while enjoying a cigar and a strong libation!  How the hell is THIS the first choice by Jimmy Buffett?  And truth be told, it’s a song I’m not a huge fan of.  (stunned audience gasps!)  If I had to rank my favorite Buffett songs, “Margaritaville” would be somewhere in the mid teens.  Still, at least we know that no matter how bad things get, “there’s booze in the blender!  And soon it will render!  That frozen concoction that helps me hang on!!!”

123. “The Gambler” by Kenny Rogers.  “Well you gotta know when to hold ‘em!  Know when to fold ‘em!  Know when to walk away!  (and the key)  Know when to run!!!”


121. “Blame It On The Rain” by Milli Vanilli.  “Whatever you do?  Don’t put the blame on you!  Blame it on the rain, yeah, yeah!”  I don’t care that they never sang this, that they had to hand back their Grammy for this song in disgrace, or that the words “Milli Vanilli” make any person chuckle.  This song is great.

120. “Endless Summer Nights” by Richard Marx.  It’s not THE defining song of the 1980s (that will appear in exactly eleven more slots, to close down Mixology Part V), but it’s damned close.  “And I remember how you loved me!  Time was all we had until the day we said goodbye!  And I remember every moment, of those endless summer nights!!!”

119. “Lookin’ For Love (In All The Wrong Places)” by Johnny Lee.  My God, “Urban Cowboy” is THIRTY YEARS OLD?!?!?!  Also, can we just agree that this song is the official theme song of The Eclipse?  Done and done.

118. “Summer Nights” by Rascal Flatts.  Well, it was this, or “Skin”, and, uum, wow, how to put this subtlely … a song about a chick with cancer?  Too depressing to include.  (Although mad props to the boy in the video.  MAD props.  If that kid didn’t get laid after doing THAT?  He’s never going to.)

117. “Man In The Mirror” by Michael Jackson.  (stevo scanning the playlist …) My God, this is only the second MJ song in the rotation?!?!  Let’s rectify that, stat, by also adding:

116. “The Way You Make Me Feel” by Michael Jackson.  He still has one more song that he featured prominently in, to appear in Mixology V.  And it’s a very safe bet another song he featured prominently in, will be one of the twelve wildcards.  (damien voice) OK, fine, I’ll bite.  One of those has to be Rockwell, but the other?  I’m befuddled.   What other major smash hit was MJ just a background / second singer on?!?!

Stay tuned … we’re seven picks away from it …

115. “Time to Pretend” by MGMT.  This is my favorite song by them, of course it’s barely sneaking into the field.

114. “Pumped Up Kicks” by Foster the People.  In light of the crazy insane rash of mass killings in this country, I seriously considered ditching this song … but anyone who believes music makes you kill people, is more bat sh*t crazy than the bat sh*t crazy mass murdering thugs terrorizing suburban shopping malls and churches all across this great country.

113. “Going Under” by Evanescence.  I like it.  It’s very replaceable, however.

112. “I Want It All” by Queen.  Their last major hit before Freddie Mercury’s tragic passing.  Also used to play before any major Chiefs defensive play / need to stand.  I miss Carl Peterson sometimes.

111. “Are You Gonna Kiss Me Or Not” by Thompson Square.  “Are you gonna kiss me or not?  Are we gonna do this or what?  I think you know I like you a lot, but you’re about to miss your shot – are you gonna kiss me or not?”  I love subtlety.

110. “Mrs. Robinson” by Simon and Garfunkle.  One of the greatest songs ever recorded.  “Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio?  A nation turns it’s loney eyes to you!  Woo woo woo!”

But the final non-wildcard slot in Mixology 2012 goes to … arguably the biggest recording hit of my lifetime, and I’m closer to 36 than 35 at this point:

109. “We Are The World” by USA for Africa.  It has been 26 years since this song came out … and I can still identify every damned singer before they begin singing.  Opens with Lionel Richie, then Stevie Wonder, then Paul Simon.  Then Kenny Rogers, bleeding into James Ingram.  Tina Turner, giving way to James Ingram. 

Then Michael and Diana Ross on the chorus.

Dionne Warwick to open verse two, followed by Willie Nelson, leading into Al Jarreau.

The Boss on chorus two, followed by Kenny Loggins, then Steve Perry, and finally Daryl Hall.

More MJ, then Huey Lewis, Cyndi Lauper, then Kim “Bette Davis Eyes” Carnes.

Cue the entire crew singing the chorus, ending with Bob Dylan’s distinctive voice.

Then the man, the myth, the legend, Mr. Ray Charles.  Follow by one of the best back-and-forth duets of all time, Bruce Springsteen and Stevie Wonder one-upping each other for a solid 90 seconds.  By this point?  You’re clapping, singing along, because hell yes we are the world!  Hell yes we are the children!  Hell yes there’s a choice we’re making – we’re saving our own lives! – and hell yes it’s true we’ll make a better day, just you and me!!!

There’s the Initial 135.  I still have room for 13 more songs on the iPod, so here are the twelve wildcards … and then the four choices I put out there for the final slot in Mixology 2012, Preseason Edition … and why I picked these four as the last potential entry in the field.

Mixology 2012: The Wildcards

12. “Freedom” by Wham!  One of those great, catchy 1980s hits that you just can’t get out of your head, no matter how much you try.

“But you know that I’ll forgive you,
Just this once … twice … forever.
Cause baby?  You could drag me to hell and back,
Just as long as we’re together.
And you do …

I don’t want your freedom!
I don’t want to play around!
I don’t want nobody baby –
Part time love just brings me down!

I don’t need your freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-dom!
Girl all I want right now is you!”

To think that people honestly believed George Michael was straight. 

11. “Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue” by Toby Keith.  He can do his damndest, and I expect him to do just that over the last 91 days of his reign of error, but Barack Hussein Obama (D-Kenya) can NEVER overcome American greatness.  And you’re gonna find that out, sir, come November 6th … brought to you courtesy, of the red, white, and blue.

10. “I Dare You” by Shinedown.  How the hell Daughtry got booted from “Idol”after his EPIC cover of this song, I have absolutely no idea.  Hell, all of season five made no sense – Mario Vasquez quit before the Top 12, and Daughtry and Elliott Yamin failed to reach the finale.  Unbelievable.

9. “All My Friends Say” by Luke Bryan.  Because who amongst us hasn’t woken up on the front porch, holding a beer in our hand, sporting a neon tan? 

8. “Stuck On You” by Lionel Richie (featuring Darius Rucker).  (stevo examining the playlist … reaches for his reading glasses …) WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!?!  There’s not ONE song by a member of Hootie and the Blowfish on this list yet?!?!  That is OUTRAGEOUS!  We’re adding THREE more after this awesome song off “Tuskogee” just to rectify that, via an epic wildcard three-fer:

7.  And 6.  And 5.  “I Will Wait”, “Old Man and Me”, and “Goodbye Girl”, by Hootie and the Blowfish.  The first is my favorite Hootie song ever, off the criminitely underrated “Musical Chairs” cd.  The second is the best effort off the ridiculously criminitely underrated “Fairweather Johnson” cd.  The last … is a remake of David Gates’ Oscar nominated song from the movie of the same name (said movie starred a then unknown Richard Dreyfuss, who won the Oscar for best actor in this film.)  There, we got Hootie into the rotation.  (stevo breathing epic sigh of relief …)

4. “And We Danced” by the Hooters.  Yes, peoples and peepettes, there actually was a band named the Hooters!  And they actually had a top five smash hit and everything!  No, really!

3. “Rock and Roll Part II” by Garry Glitter.  Screw you Roger Goodell!  We’ll play the original, child molestation charges be damned, and you just TRY to stop us!!!!  (Note: said endorsement of said song is NOT an endorsement of child molestation.  Mr. Glitter deserves to be hung for his crimes against humanity.  But come on – you CAN’T have a Mixology for football without including this song.  You just can’t.)

2. “I Don’t Care” by Fall Out Boy.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I wish I was half as talented a writer as Pete Wentz is.  “I don’t care what you think, as long as it’s about me!  The best of us can find happiness in misery!  I don’t care what you think, as long as it’s about me!  The best of us can find happiness in misery!”

Which leaves one last guaranteed slot in Mixology 2012 … and man, is the competition fierce for this position … but there’s really only one proper and appropriate choice to close the wildcard entries:


Which leaves the final four possibilities to join Mixology 2012, and here they are, for your voting approval.  Reasons why I picked them listed below as well, in case you need some guiding as to how you wish to vote …

Final Mixology Candidate Uno: “Bottoms Up” by Trey Songz (featuring Nicki Minaj).  It pretty much was Mixology 2011 anytime it came on, so if you want it to stay, vote FOR “Bottoms Up” in the poll at the top of the page.

Final Mixology Candidate Dos: “Jesus of Suburbia” by Green Day.  “And there’s nothing wrong with me!  This is how I’m supposed to be!  In a land of make believe, that don’t believe in me!”

Final Mixology Candidate Tres: “My Kind of Crazy” by Brantley Gilbert.  Because I’m extremely disappointed I didn’t include this in the previous 147 selections.  That, and someday, I will meet my kind of crazy, and that day can’t get here soon enough.

Final Mixology Candidate Quatro: “Rolling in the Deep” by Adele.  Because everyone and his third cousin five times removed loves “21” (hey, I do too, I’m not judging).  And nothing by Adele has appeared so far.

Vote early, vote often – we’re like a Democrat run precinct on this site, people!!!

And hope to see you all on Friday.  My Special Little Guy’s Arrowhead Debut!!!  It’s gonna be fun.  And “fun” is not a word I ever imagined using when describing a preseason game …

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