"So this is where it ends?
This is where it all goes down?
This is what I don't love you,
Feels like?
It ain't the middle of the night,
And it ain't even raining outside!
It ain't exactly what I had in mind,
For goodbye ...
At a red light!
In the sunshine!
On a Sunday, nothing to say --
Don't even try!
Some are coming home;
Some are leaving town!
While my world's crashing down,
On a Sunday, in the sunshine?
At a red light ..."
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Do you realize that exactly fifty nine days from right now,
we’ll be exiting the Truman Sports Complex, having witnessed the first
preseason game of the season?
(And thanks again, NFL schedule gurus, for scheduling a
preseason game … in Kansas City … in August … for a 3:30pm kickoff. Jesus.
I mean, it’s going to be 101 tomorrow – 101! On the sixteenth of June! It might be 112 come August 13th! (Pause).
Not that I have a problem with that.
No, seriously, it’s one of my rules in life: any day hot enough when you
wake up, that the thought of putting ON a t-shirt seems like the most
ridiculous idea in the world? Is a
perfect weather day.)
In the interest of fairness and honesty – only one of those
of which I can credibly be accused of living my life with – this is highly
likely to be the last Chiefs season covered on this site. I honestly don’t have the free time I used
to, to be able to post. I don’t have the
desire I used to have, to crank out this poorly written stuff that about 15
people on an average day read. (bruce
willis in “armageddon” voice) No, not poor – I said p*ss poor! Thanks Bruce.
You’re the best.
But if the end is near, then let’s close this down properly
… with the one annual gift to you I have almost never failed to provide: Stevo’s
NFL Coaches Power Poll!!!!
As always, the ground rule reminders:
1. These are my rankings.
They are based on nothing but my opinion of these 32 men who grace our
sidelines and our televisions every Sunday from September to New Year’s.
2. A 1 ranking means I think you are Chuck Noll good. (I believe Mr. Noll is the greatest coach in
NFL history. Deal with it.) A 32 ranking means you are in the company of
such fine, fine disgraces such as Rich Kotite, Bruce Coslet, Al Groh, Joe
Walton … hell, just pick a Jets coach from the last thirty years not named Bill
Parcells, and you can make an argument they’re the worst coach in NFL
history. Including you, Sal Alosi.
3. Every year there is one coach I irrationally love, who is
ranked a solid 10-12 spots higher than he probably deserves to be. We’ll call this dude the “Wayne Fontes
Memorial Coach”, out of respect for my favorite head coach in NFL history.
(I mean, how can you hate a guy whose owner, when asked
about Mr. Fontes’ status, notes “well, I didn’t fire him, and he didn’t quit,
so I guess he’ll be back next year”? How
can you hate a man who inspired Chris Berman’s greatest nickname ever
(“Rasputin”)? How can you hate a man
openly mocked by his starting quarterback – who himself was possibly the biggest
free agent bust of the 1990s? (He wasn’t
– cue every Jets fan screaming “Neil F*cking O’Donnell!” in unison. But Scott Mitchell was eight layers of
awful.)
And how in the hell can you hate a man whose firing literally caused the greatest running back in NFL history, to say "f*ck it, I quit" in response to said firing? I'm telling you, Wayne Fontes is highly underrated folks. Highly underrated.)
Finally …
4. Wherever “Fat” Andy Reid lands? (And same for every other coach.) Every coach already listed, I would take
“Fat” Andy Reid over. Every coach that
appears after “Fat” Andy? I’d fire “Fat”
Andy to hire.
That, incidentally, is what this entire post is born out of
– after the Chiefs beat the donkeys in Week Four 2000, “The Voice of Reason”
and I debated whether Gunther Cunningham was actually a decent head coach, or
the luckiest sumbeach on the sideline.
So we went through the list of coaches to see where Ol’ Confident and
Classy ranked. I was shocked – shocked!
– at how many incompetent idiots ran NFL franchises in 2000.
Sadly, there’s no Mike Martz, Mike Sherman, “The” Art Shell
“Face”, “Drunk” Denny Green, “Drunk” Dennis Erickson, Mike “Meathead” Tice,
Eric Mangini, “Coach Buffoon”, Mike Nolan, Josh McDaniels, Greg Schiano, Marty
Mornhinweg, Rod Marinelli, Norval Eugene Turner, Dom Capers, Scott Linehan,
Brad “Chilly” Childress, Dave Campo, or countless other god-awful sh*ttacular
coaches from the early 2000s to kick around anymore.
But there is still Numero Thirty Two … who somehow is now
coaching his THIRD different franchise, despite enjoying zero success in stops
uno and dos!
That seems as good a place as any, to get this thing started
…
--------------------
Key: Rank (Previous Year’s Rank). Coach, Team.
Comments / Reasoning.
And here is last year’s Power Poll for the uninformed, and /
or the curious:
--------------------
32 (NR). Mike Mularkey, Tennessee Titans. How in God’s name is Mike Mularkey running a
NFL franchise? He sh*t the bed in
Buffalo, would have probably raped said proverbial bed in Jacksonville if they hadn’t seen the light
and pulled the plug after one season … but good ol’ Tennessee, they apparently
see something in this failed stench of a coach that no other NFL franchise, or
any Tennessee Titans fan, sees.
Poor Marcus Mariota.
He might regress five seasons by Week Three, under Mr. Mularkey’s
coaching acumen and wisdom.
(Also, poor Nicole. I have a great friend up in Dakotaland, who is a huge Titans fan. Needless to say, she's not looking forward to December 18th. And there's no way you can blame her, for dreading that roadie to Arrowhead.)
31 (32). Jim “Corpse”
Caldwell, Detroit Lions. Ol’ Corpse
moves up a spot due solely and completely to Mike Mularkey’s hire in
Nashville. Trust me – Ol’ Corpse has
earned his sh*ttacular ranking. (Cue
every Lions fan and Colts fan nodding in abject agreement.)
30 (NR). Ben McAdoo,
New York Giants. I have very few rules
in life, but one I strictly believe in is this: if you’re gonna fire
someone? You’d better make DAMNED sure
his or her replacement, is a marked improvement over what you’re letting
go. Ben McAdoo is not an improvement
over Tom Coughlin. Not now, not
ever. Of course, this being the Giants,
they’ll keep Mr. McAdoo for six years, post six ten loss seasons, and then
extend the guy for another couple years since “he’s turning the corner”. There’s a difference between loyalty and
stupidity, Giants organization. Stop
being stupid.
29 (NR). Adam Gase,
Miami Dolphins. A two spot rise over his
predecessor. That’s not intended as a
compliment.
I hated this hire, by the way. Mr. Gase may be your stunning poop can, come
January 2, 2017.
28 (30). gary “krap
of” kubiak, satan’s squad. Can we just be
honest here? Son Of Bum is the reason
those people won the Lombardi. (That,
and the single most indefensible play of Jamaal Charles’ career.) “krap of” kubiak was just along for the
ride.
Having said that … am I the only one who thinks those people
caught a gigantic break when brock “traitor” osweiler bolted for Houston? Would you want to pay that cowardly traitor
$37 million dollars over the next two years to go (at best) 10-6 and get rolled
in the Divisional Round? You can
legitimately argue that cowardly traitor is the WORST starting quarterback in
that division. And until Mr. Luck
extends in a month or so, he’s the highest paid starting quarterback in that
division. What a joke. Houston deserves so much better than Rick
Smith at the helm.
(Pause).
What?
(Pause).
You know, that’s not a bad idea – a Stevo’s NFL GM Power
Poll! Because Ricky? You’re 32 … and there’s nobody else even in
the running, for the “Whoever the Vikings GM in 1989 Was” Memorial worst GM
designation, in the league.
(I guess this is where I note, when you run a NFL franchise that wins a division championship not even two years after appearing in a NFC Title Game, and you don't have a Wikipedia page devoted to you? You're eight layers of sh*ttacular. Take a bow, Mike Lynn ... whoever you are.)
27 (25). Dan Quinn,
Atlanta Falcons. Honestly, you could put
everyone from about 18 to 27 into a hat, draw out names, and rank them by that
method. These next 8, 9, 10 head coaches
are perfectly mediocre. They’re not
going to embarrass you … but they’re not going to inspire you to (the postal
service voice) such great heights.
26 (18). Mike McCoy,
San Diego “Super” Chargers. I actually
think Mr. McCoy is a decent head coach.
Sh*t, anyone who can lead an offense led by Our Risen Lord and Savior
Timothy R. Tebow to a Divisional Round berth knows his, uuh, sh*t. But let’s be honest here – the ONLY reason
Mr. McCoy is still employed as a head coach, is because the “Super” Chargers
had no idea what the future held when last season ended – namely, LA, San
Diego, or (keane voice) somewhere only (they) know. Ditto for the next coach on this list …
25 (16). Jeff Fisher,
Los Angeles Rams. At some point, looks
stop working for you. (I wouldn’t know;
I’m still better looking at 39, than 99.47% of the male population … and damned
proud of it.) Jeff Fisher hasn’t posted
a winning season since 2008. 2008! And yet he’s been employed every year
since! Nice work if you can get it.
(And if you get it?
Won’t you tell me how? )
24 (29). Todd Bowles,
New York (fireman ed voice) J! E! T!
S! Jets Jets Jets!!!!!!!
I actually feel bad for Mr. Bowles. This schedule is so brutal, I’m not sure The
Hooded One could milk nine wins out of it.
6 of the first 9 (a stretch of 6 out of 8) on the road, and the home
games are Cincinnati, Seattle, and Baltimore (who will rebound this year)? Dios con mio!
He should have risen higher than five spots, if I’m being
honest. I just haven’t gotten over the
no-show in Buffalo to end the season yet.
23 (NR). Dirk
Koetter, Tampa Bay Buccaneers. I like
this hire. A lot. I think Tampa is going to be a force in the
NFC over the next five years.
22 (15). Jason
Garrett, Dallas Cowboys. Glad that Jerry
didn’t overreact to one injury plagued season *.
(*: in my (rarely right, but also rarely humble) opinion,
the single biggest mistake Jerry’s made in his tenure as the Cowboys guru,
wasn’t firing Jimmy Johnson (it was inevitably going to happen), and it wasn’t
hiring Barry Switzer (again, it was inevitably going to happen). The single biggest mistake he’s made, was
firing Chan Gailey after the 1999 season collapsed, and died in the Metrodome
in the wild card round. Chan Gailey took
over the remnants of The Triplets, and bilked two playoff berths and a division
title out of two seasons. Only one
Cowboys head coach has ever failed to win at least two playoff games, and has a
losing record – Mr. Gailey’s successor, Dave Campo, who went 15-33 in his three
seasons (finishing 5-11 each and every year).
The lesson? Don’t overreact when
your season collapses due to irreplaceable injuries. (In 1999, Michael Irvin’s career ended in
Week Four at Philadelphia, Moose Johnston’s career ended before the season
began, Troy Aikman missed multiple starts, Greg Ellis blew out a (al michaels voice)
knee in Week Two, and somehow, someway, this fatally flawed squad made the
playoffs.
Don’t overreact, when injuries derail your season. On that, I know I’m right.)
21 (28). Gus Bradley,
Jacksonville Jaguars. If the 2016 Jags
are who I think they’re going to be? Mr.
Bradley will be ten spots higher if another Stevo’s NFL Coaches Power Poll is
posted. If they aren’t? Mr. Bradley won’t be included in said another
Stevo’s NFL Coaches Power Poll; he’ll be unemployed.
20 (17). Marvin
Lewis, Cincinnati Bengals. For the
record, I’d have fired Mr. Lewis after the playoff defeat to Pittsburgh. For the same reason I’d have fired Marty
Schottenheimer after the 1996 Chiefs season, and the same reason the Chicago
Bulls fired Doug Collins after the 1989-1990 Bulls season.
At some point? You
can’t take a team any farther. You’re
not going to get them over the hump, past the finish line.
The 2016 Cincinnati Bengals are going 5-11 or worse. You heard it here first.
19 (10). “Sexy” Rexy
Ryan, Buffalo Bills. If the 2016 Buffalo
Bills are who I think they’re going to be?
“Sexy” Rexy will be unemployed when I turn 40, a little over six months
from now. If the 2016 Buffalo Bills aren’t
who I think they’re going to be? “Sexy”
Rexy will be at least five spots higher in any future Stevo’s NFL Coaches Power
Poll.
18 (19). “Riverboat”
Ron Rivera, Carolina Panthers. He got
taken to woodshed by Son of Bum ** in that Super Bowl, and given the business
in the sport's biggest moment like few coaches have ever been given the
business. I’m more down on Carolina
entering this season than most … but I still think they’ll win the NFC South,
and win at least a Wild Card Round game.
(**: let’s just address the Captain Oats in the room, shall
we? I HATE the denver broncos. I DESPISE them. They are evil incarnate, and every single fan
of those people is indwelt by at least a demon, if not satan himself. Having said that … I LOVE Son of Bum. I totally dig the guy. Always have, always will. I love people who don’t take themselves
seriously … and I really love people who don’t give a sh*t about the moment;
when the moment is so enjoyable? Enjoy
it! (Note: I scoured YouTube! for video of his hiring as donkeys head coach in 1993; I found nothing. But if you remember the moment? That was priceless. And awesome.)
So I capitalize Son of Bum for the
same reason I capitalize Real Mile High: you respect greatness, when you see
it. (But you’ll never capitalize fake
mile high, right?) F*ck no I won’t!)
17 (20). Mike
McCarthy, Green Bay Packers. You can
write in Sharpie ink “10-6, NFC Wild Card Team”, as a floor, for any team he
coaches, no matter who is under center.
You also can write in Sharpie ink “10-6, NFC Wild Card
Team”, as a ceiling, for nearly every team he coaches, no matter who is under
center.
16 (NR). Doug
Pederson, Philadelphia Eagles. The highest
rated first-time coach in this poll. I
happen to be higher on Philly than most NFL fans three months out from the
start of the season. (That, or just
higher than most Philly fans. (Pause). On second thought, I’m not sure that outcome,
is possible.) Doug Pederson impressed
the hell out of me the last three years with the Chiefs. If you get a chance, go back and watch the
game against the Bills on Thanksgiving weekend last year. That was an offensive coaching masterpiece
(by both squads, to be fair). Mr.
Pederson completely had Buffalo on their heels all day – and it ain’t like
“Sexy” Rexy doesn’t know how to put together a defensive gameplan.
I totally see Philly as the “where the hell did they come
from?!?!?!” stunning Wild Card team in the NFC.
You’re gonna love this hire, Philly fan.
You’re gonna love it.
15 (6). John Fox,
Chicago Bears. The next three, four,
five coaches to appear? Just pull out
that mythical hat again, and draw names.
You can’t go wrong with any of these guys.
14 (7). Chip Kelly,
San Francisco 49ers. For those of you
who question my sanity on this … you are aware the only non-Patriots team to win in Foxboro
last year was coached by Chip, right?
You are aware that the Eagles entered Week Sixteen against the Redskins
controlling their own destiny, right?
It’s not like last year was a complete and total debacle in
Philadelphia. The Eagles collapsed under
expectations, true … but they controlled their own destiny to win the division
with two to play! And THAT got Coach
Kelly fired?!?!?!?! He’ll turn the 49ers
around if given a couple years.
(Which means he’ll be coaching elsewhere by the spring of
2018.)
13 (24). Jay Gruden,
Washington Redskins. You can count on
three fingers, the number of coaches to win a division during “Chainsaw” Dan
Snyder’s reign of error: Norval Eugene Turner (1999) – fired the following
season. shanarat (2012) – fired the next
season. And Jay Gruden (2016).
Uuh … #sorrywill
12 (9). Sean Payton,
New Orleans Saints. I’m curious to see
what happens after this season. Mr.
Payton has more than earned the right to a rebuilding year or two. Will he get it?
11 (11). Pete
Carroll, Seattle Seahawks. Exactly where
he was last year: at the bottom rung of the upper echelon.
That leaves ten men of vision, incomparable and unqualified
success … and one of utter and total incompetence when it comes to clock
management, left to rank.
Coming by Friday, Part Dos of the Stevo’s Site Numero Dos’
NFL Coaches Power Poll. In some order,
you’ll see the head coaches of the Patriots, Texans raiders, “Super” Cardinals, Texans,
Colts, Steelers, Ravens, Vikings, our Kansas City (crowd voice) Chiefs! …
… and your Cleveland Browns?!?!?!?!?!?! …
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