week three: the tale o' the tape!

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And go figure … I forgot this week’s “Tale O’ The Tape!”, in the picks.

What an epic, epic, epic brain fart on my part.

So, in honor of what was my favorite show still in first-run production … hang on, I need a Kleenex or five, it’s really, really dusty in this room right now.  I should, uuh, dust more often … since this coming Monday will be the first time since Arnold Vinick was the overwhelming favorite to replace Jed Bartlet as the President of the United States, that there will be nothing legen … wait for it … dary going down in the 8pm ET / 7pm CT time slot on (brent musburger voice) CBS … this week’s “Tale O’ The Tape”?

Is one hell of a debate.

Because for the first time?

It’s (almost) Barney Stinson’s wet dream.

We’re having a three-way … competition.

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Because this week’s “Tale O’ The Tape” is what song, what amazing, incredible, absolutely (jaw-droppingly embarrassing) song, was Robin Sparkles’ best effort.

(Note: all episodes referenced, are available on Netflix ... and season nine of "HIMYM" is available come Tuesday.  (Pause).  You're welcome, Carter Bays and Craig Thomas.  And actually, the pleasure was all mine ... and so many other fans of your greatest creation.)

(“clue” voice) Is it … the first one, “Let’s Go To The Mall”, from what is without question, the best episode “HIMYM” ever produced.  (That would be season two’s “Slap Bet”, and if you aren’t moved to nearly crying from laughing so hard at the final two scenes, then you have no appreciation for the great moments in life.)

(“clue” voice) Is it … the second one, “Sandcastles In The Sand”, from what is the episode that truly, once and for all, set the end-game for the series in motion (although nobody knew it at the time), season three’s self-titled episode.  (That features an absolutely hysterical James Van Der Beek guest-starring role … and yes, kids – that is Alan Thicke, and that is Tiffany, in the video.)

(“clue” voice) Or is it … the final one that matters, “The Beaver Song”, from season six’s “Glitter” (which, in the interest of full disclosure, isn’t the best episode “HIMYM” ever produced … but it definitely contains the series single most hysterical scene ever aired, when Ted and Barney save a spot on the couch for Robin, to watch Part Two of the “Space Teens” DVD.  

And for the record, my reaction when I watched this the first time four some odd years ago, was exactly what Ted and Barney’s was.  And I'm guessing, if you have a sense of humor?  

Your reaction will mirror mine, if you watch the linked clip above ... or have already seen it.)

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Sorry, “Push” – no room for a foursome, in this one.

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As always, let’s lay down the ground rules.

Seven questions.  Guaranteed to be a deadlocked 2-2-2 tie entering the “Question of Great Significance”.

And only one winner.

In the words of the late, great Marvin Gaye: “let’s get it on!”

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Question One: Best Music Video.

* Let’s Go To The Mall.

* Sandcastles In The Sand.

* The Beaver Song.

Winner: God, this one is tough.  Gun to my head, I gotta go with the one that set this whole epic gag in motion.  “Let’s Go To The Mall”.

Question Two: Why The Song Exists.

* Let’s Go To The Mall: because this made Robin Scherbatsky a Canadian teen pop idol … and because as she noted, “I wish it was porn; that’d be less humiliating”.

* Sandcastles In The Sand: because it was the best week and a half of Robin Sparkles life.

* The Beaver Song: because Robin and her BFF Jessica Glitter had pet beavers, and the beaver is not only the official animal of Canada, it is “an noble creature”.  (barney stinson voice) You'll get no argument here.

Winner: in an upset, “Sandcastles In the Sand”.  I know – I also thought “The Beaver Song” had this one sewn up.

Question Three: Sleaziest Sexual Innuendo Lyric In The Song.

* Let’s Go To The Mall:

“My dad says I’m too young to date,

But baby?  I don’t wanna wait!”

* Sandcastles In The Sand:

“On our favorite bench,

Where you taught me to French!”

* The Beaver Song:

I mean, my God, where do I begin.  Is it …

(“clue” voice)

“Just pick up that phone,

And I’ll be there to

Share my ice cream cone –

We’ll lick it, side by side!”  Or, is it …

(“clue” voice)

“So let’s go do,

What hungry beavers do!

It will taste so good –

We’ll gobble wood!”  Or, is it …

(“clue” voice)

“Two beavers are better than one!

They’re twice the fun – ask anyone!

A second beaver can be?  Second to none!

Two beavers are better than one!”

Winner: (stevo sighing in disgust voice) REALLY?  “The Beaver Song”.

Question Four: Does Alan Thicke, Tiffany, or The Robot Appear In The Video.

* Let’s Go To The Mall: Robot.

* Sandcastles In The Sand: Thicke, Tiffany, and Robot.

* The Beaver Song: Thicke and Robot.

Winner: “Sandcastles In The Sand”.

Question Five: Does Barney Get Bitch Slapped By Marshall Because He Thought It Was a Video Featuring Porn … wait for it … ography.

* Let’s Go To The Mall: yes.

* Sandcastles In The Sand: no.

* The Beaver Song: no … but Barney came damned close, to bitch slapping Marshall.

Winner: “Let’s Go To The Mall”.

Question Six: Reunited BFF’s Through Song.

* Let’s Go To The Mall: if the “re” wasn’t in front of “united”, it’d be yes … so no.

* Sandcastles In The Sand: you could argue yes … but I say no.

* The Beaver Song: (allard baird voice) without question – without question! – yes.

Winner: “The Beaver Song”.

And finally … as we're tied 2-2-2 between these epic classics ... I have to admit, THIS?  

Is a “if Gordon Hayward’s shot falls against Duke” Upset of Biblical Proportions …

Question Seven: Played As Robin Walked Down The Aisle To Marry Barney, In (Arguably … OK, Fine – I’d Argue It) The Most Underrated Episode This Amazing Show Ever Aired In Its' Final Season.

* Let’s Go To The Mall: nope.

* Sandcastles In The Sand: yup.

* The Beaver Song: nope.

Winner … and (disputed) Champion?

“Sandcastles In The Sand”.

Circle me stunned, Bert.

But circle me sad as well, that the Slap Bet, the Cockamouse, the Play Book, the Perfect Week, the Perfect Month, and oh yeah -- this scene below -- are over:

God above, I already miss this show ... and God above, how I hope to, uuh, God above, I have just one -- just one! -- moment in my life, like that one ...