Friday, September 19, 2014

week three: three deep breaths ...

“Let go of the fear!
Let go of the doubt!
Let go of the ones
Who try to put you down!

You’re gonna be fine!
Don’t hold it inside!
If you hurt right now?
Then let it all come out!

Breathe.  Just breathe.
Take the world off your shoulders,
And put it on me.

Breathe.  Just breathe.
Let the life that you live be
All that you need!

Breathe!  Just breathe!
Take the world off your shoulders;
Put it on me!

Breathe!  Just breathe!
Let the life that you live be
All that you need!

Let go of the fear!
Let go of the doubt!
Let the life that you live be
All that you need!

Let go of the fear!
Let go of the doubt!
Take the world off your shoulders;
Put it on me!

Breathe! …”

-- “Breathe” by Ryan Star.  (Pause).  I think you’re gonna like this one folks.  I really, really think, you’re gonna like this one …


Last Week ATS: 7-9-0.  Sadly, this was an improvement.
Season to Date ATS: 13-19-0.  At 40.6%, it's still better than where my fantasy teams are at right now.

Last Week SU: 10-6-0.  Embarrassing.
Season to Date SU: 18-14-0.  Hideous.

Last Week "Screw You Pete King" Upset / Week: well hot damn!
Season to Date "Screw You Pete King" U/W ATS: 1-1-0.
Season to Date "Screw You Pete King" U/W SU: 1-1-0.
This Week's "Screw You Pete King" Upset / Week: broncos (+4 1/2) over Seahawks.  


The Non-Jets, Non-Chiefs, Fling It And See What Sticks Best Efforts:

(Note: as always, all lines pulled from Stevo's Site Numero Dos' official pigskin oddsmaker, Danny Sheridan, via USA Today.)

* at Falcons 24, Bucs (+6 1/2) 21.  As tweeted last night to get on the record.  Actual score?  "Shane Falco"ns 56, Chiefs Former AFC West Rival 14.  (Pause).  We're off to one spectacular start, to the week three prognostications.

* at Bills (-2 1/2) 27, "Super" Chargers 20.  We live in a world in which there's a decent chance that Buffalo will be 3-0, and Indy will be 0-3.  My head hurts just thinking about that.  The Bills 3-0 for the first time since ... uuh ... gee ... uuh ...

* Cowboys (-1) 28, at Rams 7.  At least neither team will go 0-16.  In the Rams case, that was definitely in play, before last week.

* at Eagles (-6 1/2) 38, Redskins 13.  Joe Theismann is walking in that door, Redskin fans ... but sadly for you (and for anyone God granted the sense of hearing to), it's the door to the broadcast booth. 

* at Giants (+2) 26, Texans 21.  I ask this with all due sincerity -- can anyone recall the last time a team coming off a 2-14, L14 season was FAVORED in each of its first three games, the following season?  Also, this is your "Gordon Shumway Game O' The Week"!

* at Saints (-10) 45, Vikings 6.  The last time Matt Cassel started a game in the Superdome?  Was one of the most "what the hell just happened here" games I've ever experienced, as a Chiefs fan.  (The Chiefs won in overtime, despite never having led for 0:00 in the game, 27-24.)  I don't think QB Fetal Position is going to have a chance, to rally the troops this week, like he did two years ago, on this exact weekend.  Also, "Webster Game O' The Week"!

* at Bengals (-6 1/2) 28, Titans 20.  Now THAT was the Tennessee Titans only K.S. "Bud" Adams Jr. could support by raising two middle fingers in salute to his squad!  (Rest in peace Bud.  (Pause).  I trust you're enjoying a few six packs a day, of your name sake, in the great beyond -- like you no doubt did, in this life.)

* at Browns (+1 1/2) 27, Ravens 20.   Not even my friend Cooksey is going to believe what I'm about to type ... but if you're looking for a "whoa, where the hell did they come from?" playoff sleeper in the AFC?  The Browns sit 1-1.  Their next seven weeks?  vs Ravens / bye / at Titans / vs Steelers / at Jags / vs raiders / vs Bucs.  There's at least four wins in there ... if not six.

* Packers (+2 1/2) 34, at Lions 20.  When was the last time the Lions were favored over Green Bay, even in our ol' buddy "Screw You" Pete King's proverbial neutral field in Wichita?  Year four of the Wayne Fontes Experience?

* at Jaguars (+7) 24, Colts 20.  It's Blake Bortles time, Jags.  It's Blake Bortles time.

* at Patriots (-14) 47, raiders 2.  (Pause).  It's time.

"Good Times!  Anytime you need a payment?
Good Times!  Anytime you need a friend?
Good Times!  Anytime you're out from under?
Not gettin' hassled!  Not gettin' hustled!

Keepin' yo' head above water!
Makin' a wave when you can!

Temporary layoffs?  Good Times!
Easy credit ripoffs?  Good Times!
Scratchin' and survivin'?  Good Times!
Hangin' in a chow line?  Good Times!

Ain't we lucky we got 'em?
(Na Na Na Na Na) Good Times!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Sadly, this game isn't so terrible, that it gets the rarely heard second verse.)

(stevo ducking empty whiskey bottles hurled at him by "undocumented worker" raider fans out on parole for the weekend, at that previous statement.)

Fine.  Hit It!

Just starin' out of the window,
Watchin' the asphalt grow.
Wonderin' why it all feels
Hand me down (Good Times!)

Yeah!  (Good Times!)

Keepin' yo head above water!
Makin' a wave when you can!

Temporary layoffs?  Good Times!
Easy credit ripoffs?  Good Times!
Scratchin' and survivin'?  Good Times!
Hangin' in a chow line?  Good Times!

Ain't we lucky we got 'em?
(Na Na Na Na Na)  Good Times!!!!!!!!!!

* at "Super" Cardinals (+3) 27, 49ers 24.  Because life?  Is always great.  Especially inside a Super 8 motel bathroom, in the greater Phoenix metropolitan area, thirteen years ago next month.  Sadly, "The Klassy One" missed his chance to tell one of the Village's finest, that he could pull his pants up now, on that occasion.  Truly sad.  Could have been a small measure of redemption for Ol' Kev.

* broncos (+4 1/2) 41, at Seahawks 35.  Report: Stevo can't wait to wave "buh bye" to wes welker, as he's concussed out of the game yet again, hopefully for the next to last time in his career.  (Hey, I want to end that a-hole's career on the sacred turf of Arrowhead in 72 days.)

And just in case you missed it, john elway's son was convicted in a court of law of domestic abuse and assault earlier this week on his girlfriend.  (carl peterson voice) The elways.  All class.  Except without the c, and without the l.  I know I personally cannot wait to disgrace for all eternity make the family proud for all eternity, by whizzing on that man's tombstone someday.  The sooner that day arrives, the better.

(True story time!  On Friday afternoons, usually once a month, we have Movie Time in "department I work for", and today was the day for September.  It's actually a pretty cool little deal -- the videos the "company I work for" wants us to watch, but nobody has time to do it, we watch in this setting, enjoying some popcorn and candy and liquid refreshment of a non-adult variety.  Today's final video was a feature on some risk management conference we threw a few months ago ... in denver.  And go figure, one of the nights featured a tour of fake mile high, dinner and dancing at their in-house entertainment area, and of course, that "heaving penis" of a mascot of theirs and peyton manning were present.  (Pause).  You're damned right I started booing when those two things appeared on the screen.  Brought the house down.  The lesson?  It's never unfashionable to boo the devil, and his mascot.)

* at Panthers (-3) 34, Steelers 21.  One of the few duds on NBC's schedule.  And really, this isn't a horrible dud.  More like a makeshift landmine.

The Poem:

There is no The Poem this week, due to this being a Chiefs road game.

The Tailgating Plans:

There is no The Tailgating Plans this week, due to this being a Chiefs road game. 

The Watching Party Plans:

As of this posting, there are no The Watching Party Plans in place yet.

The "Klassy" Kevin Keitzman Tweet O' The Week:

I'm giving the Klassy One a pass this week.  This is the rare week he didn't say anything, worth commenting on.

"The Voice of Reason"'s, uuh, Reason:

To be posted if and when said reason is submitted.  As always, will only be edited by me for font and text size.

The Jets Pigskin Prognostication:

In case you thought your Sunday last week was bad?  In the span of seventeen seconds, I flipped from the Chiefs horrific fourth and goal playcall (no Kelce?  Really?  No scrambling option?  Really?) ... to marty effing mornhinweg calling a timeout that negated the tying score in Lambeau for the Jets on fourth and goal.

If you're any kind of a fan of football, and any kind of a fan of unintentional comedy, please, tune in any time the Jets call timeout Monday night.  And for the record, I have no clue in hell, how the Jets are favored.

* Bears (+2 1/2) 28, at Jets 17.

The "Further Proof Stevo Is Right and There Is No Such Thing As Conicidence" Moment O' The Week:

I have missed two -- and exactly two -- home games in the last fifteen years.  In 2008 and in 2011 ... both against the Miami Dolphins.  In 2008, this was your gametime weather conditions.  Say it with me peoples and peepettes: there isn't a chance in hell itself I'm going outside for eight hours to watch a 2-12 squad play.  Even if Stevo's Site Numero Dos' Official Favorite Quarterback (Emeritus) Chadwick Pennington is on the field.

And 2011?  I was stuck waiting a weather delay in the beautiful Fort Lauderdale aeropuerto, and didn't land at KCI until the game was already underway. 

The Chiefs Pred … Wait, What?  What The Hell Is This? Section:


So, Royals fans – are you ready for this?

(Essentially) ten to play.  (Essentially) one back in the division; (essentially) one up in the wildcard.  With the first place Tigers coming to town for the final three home games of the season.

This season just doesn’t seem imaginable.  2003 was unreal.  Meaningful baseball in August.  Maybe 1994 would have been; we’ll never know.  

But this?  Meaningful baseball during Week Three?  In Kansas City?  For the home team?


Every game this weekend is nationally televised – on The Deuce tonight, FOX on Saturday, TBS on Sunday.  (And as an added bonus, you can buy the ability to watch every single remaining game of the season, for every team, at for the incredibly high and outrageous price of two dollars and ninety nine cents.  That is not a typo – you can have the Tigers game pulled up on the laptop or tablet, the Royals on your flat screen, for less than you’d pay for a coffee at Starbucks.  What a country we live in!)

I mean, reread the first sentence of that last paragraph.  Every game this weekend is nationally televised – on three separate networks!  When in the name of Ed Hearn has that ever happened?

And what in the name of Chico “No Pants” Lind is going on here?


I moved back here after college fifteen years ago, sixteen come December 21st.  I’ve been gainfully employed for all but about nine of those months, and to be fair, the last layoff a little less than nine years ago (that lasted four months), I didn’t even look for a job for 2 ½ of those months.

I have never experienced a workplace environment, like my area of the department the last three to four weeks.  It’s … it’s unreal.  I’m usually the last one to arrive, usually around 7:40ish.  And once I walk in the door, and grab my huge glass of Stevo’s Site Numero Dos’ Official Non-Adult Libation, Gold Peak Iced Tea (unsweetened – yeah, it’s that damned good.  Don’t even need the Equal!) the fun begins.

Because for the next forty five to fifty minutes, it’s all of us grouping up around Dale’s desk, and recapping the insanity of the night before.  And our boss is as active a participant, as any of us.

This, peoples and peepettes?  This is what I couldn’t convey properly twenty years ago, when the Rangers broke through with three division titles during my four years in the Metroplex.  There is nothing in sports like a pennant race, and there is nothing as epic as a pennant race, with your team in it.

Nobody in my generation, has ever experienced this.  I was eight when the Royals last made the playoffs.  I turn thirty eight in 106 days.  I have no conscious memory of the Boyz N Blue playing in October.  Jim Bakker, Jimmy Swaggert, and Tony Alamo were still credible men of the cloth, the last time the Royals reached the postseason.  Hell, Jan Crooks* had pink hair the last time this happened!  (Pause).  Oh wait.  She still has pink hair.  Never mind.

And now, there’s a very realistic chance, the impossible dream that none of us have ever experienced, is a mere ten days away. 

A walk around the office today revealed just how crazy this season has made us here in this fine metropolitan area.  I counted a solid six to one ratio, Royals to Chiefs gear, on today.  Even I didn’t wear the Friday traditional yellow-and-gold Chiefs long-sleeve shirt today; I hauled out the Bo Jackson t-shirt.

Enjoy this weekend.  Treasure it, win or lose.  This, Royals fans?  This next ten days?

Is what EVERY OTHER FANBASE IN THE SPORT has experienced (successfully) at least once, since we last did.  (Because every other team in the sport has made the postseason, since the Royals last did.)

Our little tyke is growed up!


(*: I’ve said it before: there’s comedy, there’s high comedy, and there’s TBN.  If you ever want a good non-stop laugh, tune to TBN.)


I cannot wait to turn the television to The Deuce tonight.  I cannot wait to see what the K looks like tonight.  I remember every detail of Game Three at the Ballpark in Arlington eighteen years ago.  I remember the absolute “it’s prom night, and I’m finally getting laid!” expressions of joy, of shock, of sheer pleasure, on the face of damned near everyone there that night.  Hell, I had that expression on there that night, and I couldn’t give a rat’s ass about the Rangers.  I just loved seeing Vineet’s reaction to everything – the Anthem, the first pitch, the first run, the pressure of the ninth (that John Wetteland cracked under, after Darren Oliver pitched the game of his career, to get the Rangers to the ninth up 2-1).  Everything about that night was magical.

Which is exactly what these next three days, these next ten days, and then beyond is going to be – nothing short of magical.

And then realize this, Royals fans – as epic as these next ten days may turn out to be?  As gut-wrenching, as euphorically awesome, as totally stressful and amazing and incredible these next ten days promise to be? 

It’s going to feel like a NFL preseason game, compared to what is coming October 1st.


"Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I always take three deep breaths".  -- The Mother.
"Three deep breaths?" -- Robin.
"Sometimes, three deep breaths changes everything". -- The Mother.

From when The Mother meets Aunt Robin, the next to last episode of (hang on, it's getting a lil' dusty in here realizing it's over) "How I Met Your Mother".

(Sadly, no Youtube! clip.  Virtually all season 9 clips have been purged.  I'm guessing due to the DVD release of season 9, on Tuesday.)


I don’t have an inspirational Chiefs post for this week’s pick.  Chiefs (+3 ½) 27, at Dolphins 17, simply because Alex Smith trumps Ryan Tannehill in everything except the trophy wife category, and Knile Davis is going to part the Dolphins D like Moses parted his namesake back in the day.


Take three deep breaths, folks.  Take three deep breaths.

Because everything we've ever known about our Boyz N Blue?  

Is about to change forever.


Treasure these next ten days.  Enjoy the hell out of them.  Embrace them.  

Because if you can’t enjoy these next ten days?  Then you don’t have a pulse.

If you can’t get into these next ten days?  Question your fanhood.

And if you wind up shedding as many tears – both in pleasure and in pain, both in sorrow and in joy, both in tragedy and in triumph – if you wind up shedding as many tears as this (still awesomely) hot as hell 37 year old blogger dude?

Be proud of it.

Be damned proud of it

And then be something even better than proud.

Be Royal.

You’re damned right I’m choking up proof reading what I just wrote …

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