Saturday, September 27, 2014

week four: the smoke ...

“I can feel it coming
In the air tonight,
Oh Lord.

And I've been waiting for this moment,
All my life,
Oh Lord.

Can you feel it
Coming in the air tonight?
Oh Lord, Oh Lord ...


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Last Week ATS: 8-8-0.
Season to Date ATS: 21-27-0.

Last Week SU: 10-6-0.
Season to Date SU: 28-20-0.

Last Week “Screw You Pete King” Upset / Week: the jinx worked!
Season to Date Upset / Week ATS: 1-2-0.
Season to Date Upset / Week SU: 1-2-0.
This Week’s “Screw You Pete King” Upset / Week: (2006 stevo voice) take a mother f*cking guess.  (2006 damien voice) Oh sh*t!  Holy sh*t!  He thinks we're gonna win!  He thinks we're gonna win!  He believes we're gonna win!  (current day stevo voice) Damned skippy, Doc.  Damned skippy ...

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As always, all lines provided by Danny Sullivan, via USA Today.  Danny Sullivan: Stevo’s Site Numero Dos’ Official Oddsmaker!

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The Non-Jets, Non-Chiefs Best Guesses:

* Byes: “Super” Cardinals, Rams, Seahawks, broncos, Bengals, Browns.

* Giants (+3) 28, at Redskins 20.  As tweeted on, uuh, Twitter Thursday afternoon.  I was 100% sure the Giants would win.  I never saw a woodshed beating coming.

* Eagles (+5) 34, at 49ers 16.  I think the 49ers are in deep, deep trouble.  Love the Eagles in this spot.

* Dolphins (-3 ½) 6, raiders 2 (Game Played in London).  As I noted earlier this week, has there ever been a Week Four NFL game where BOTH coaches were fired in the postgame presser?  It’s a mortal lock the loser is getting poop-canned before the team plane lands on American concrete.  But the winner isn’t exactly safe.  Especially if “drunk” dennis allen pulls the upset.


* at Bears (+2) 35, Packers 31.  For a day filled with duds, it’s not a terrible double header on FOX.  Packers / Bears, Eagles / 49ers.  And Saints / Cowboys as the Sunday nighter on NBC.  There’s a decent shot that’s at least four of your six NFC playoff teams. 

* Bills (+3) 24, at Texans 17.  It’s Ryan Mallett Time.  Also, “Webster Game O’ The Week”! honors.  Yes, I am aware this is two 2-1 squads.  Doesn’t matter; I’d rather watch three straight hours of “Webster” than this craptacular matchup.

* Panthers (+3) 24, at Ravens 23.  Forgot to include this one in the Week One Glossary – this is the Wayne Allyn Root Contrarian Game O’ The Week.  When the entire betting public seems to be leaning one way?  Bet the opposite.  Everyone seems to think Steve Smith is single-handedly able to win this game.  That may be true, but there’s only one player on that field Sunday I think can do that, and he wears Numero Dos for your (because they sure as hell aren’t my) Carolina Panthers.  I think this is gonna be Cam Newton’s best game as a pro.

* at Vikings (+3) 34, Falcons 24.  No Peterson?  No bueno.  No Cassel?  Muy Bueno!

* at Chargers 24, Jaguars (+13) 14.  Too many points.  Plus, I’m a huge Blake Bortles fan.  He’ll make this one closer than it should be.

* at Colts (-8) 45, Titans 13.  Charlie Whitehurst on the field.  Colts will be tied for the division lead by the time this one is over.  (I really, really love the Bills at Houston this week.  A lot.  Not as much as I like Indy on Sunday, but close.) 


* at Steelers 27, Bucs (+7 ½) 20.  Thanks for the half point!  There’s no way Tampa is this putrid.  Lovie Smith is too good a coach to tolerate this.  And the Steelers aren’t as good as the Panthers made them look last week.  Correction game.

* at Cowboys (+3) 31, Saints 13.  This might be the most one-sided matchup of the last twenty years.  The Saints have won 8 of the last 10, played over those twenty years, and it’s usually a beatdown.  Just playing a hunch here.

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The Tailgating Plans:

Here’s what I know, as of Saturday afternoon.

We’ve got the Early In Pass (as usual), and The Bus departs between 12:30 and 1pm from the, uuh, Bus Barn.  (Gotta accommodate folks working a half day, that can't work that half day from home, as I plan to.)  At last count we have 13 riding out; as always, if you don’t want to pay for parking, you’re welcome to ride with us. 

We should be in our usual spot (the grassy lot north of the G30 sign) sometime after 1pm.  Beer pong commences within thirty minutes of getting set up, and getting Mixology going.  This grizzled veteran is ready to take on the (joe pesci voice) utes, and (the chica voice) give them the business.  Although this grizzled veteran still wishes – for just one game – it could be vodka tonic pong.

The current menu is Brady Brats.  Not brats as in bratwurst, but brats, as in spoiled rotten kids that drive you nuts.  There’ll be an assortment of appetizers, side dishes and desserts.  There’ll be a healthy supply of beer, champagne, vodka, and whatever else floats our boat when Mona and I hit the liquor store either Sunday afternoon or Monday morning.

We’re expecting close to fifty, between our group, Roger and Diane and Brad’s folks, and Ron and Michelle and Ryan’s crew.  Should be one fun day, one last almost summer-like afternoon (forecast is 83 and sunny) to enjoy this year.

As always, if you need me to reserve a spot for you by us, please let me know.  We’re asking if you plan to tailgate with us for more than a quick “hello”, to bring what you want to drink … and feel free to toss in a side dish or appetizer.  (Pause).  I suppose this is where I need to point out that a half-eaten bag of Oreo’s is NOT an acceptable side dish.  Splurge on the full bag.  It won’t kill you.  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  Yeah, good point – if buying a new bag of Oreo's will bankrupt you?  You got far bigger problems, than trying to buy a bag of Oreo's.

Hope to see you, for what (as of now) is going to be the best 1-2 punch in Kansas City sports history.  Chiefs / Pats Monday.  Royals / A’s Tuesday (more on this potential game momentarily).  

Come out and enjoy it.

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The Watching Party Plans:

There are no The Watching Party Plans, due to this being a home game for the Chiefs.

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The Poem:

 “But then I stop,
Because I spot a car,
That might contain,
My special little star!” ©

“Then I open the program,
To see who our referee will be,
And I shout out with horror,
Sweet Jesus!  Ed Hochuli!” ©

As for The Poem?
Do I really need to say,
Why you should show up,
For football on Monday?

It’s Chiefs!  It’s Pats!
It’s in prime time!
Do you really need me
To make my words rhyme?

Believe in this team folks;
They’re better than you think.
And yes, that is an opinion,
I’ve formed over many a drink!

But as great as Monday will be?
As much as this win, might leave you in a daze?
It will feel nothing -- NOTHING! --
Like Tuesday, when we beat the A's!

We've earned this, KC.
We have earned this amazing moment.
Two games.  Two nights.
Two teams that, frankly, need atonement.

Monday night, we exorcise the demon
That is Bill and his Pats.
Tuesday night, we exorcise the demon
That is twenty nine years of failure! ©

We have waited for this moment,
For most of our lives.
Even as we've graduated, moved on --
Most of us have wives.

But this?  This is something special,
And thank the good Lord above,
For what He has given us, KC,
For this week to come.

Royals!  Chiefs!
The nation's focus is on us!
Let's just hope Hy-Vee's focus,
Is on the damned Bus.

Because Monday?  
The Chiefs win.
And Tuesday?  
The Royals will as well.

Here's how epic this run is --
My mommy actually cares!
She was so happy last night,
She used a word* that I wouldn't dare!

This is what we live for,
Sports fans!
Forty eight hours,
To get one helluva tan!

No wait -- let me rephrase that.
Although shirtless I probably will be.
Forty eight hours,
With two awesome victories!

Show up Monday!
That day is gonna rule!
But Tuesday?  Tuesday is the day,
All the cool kids, skip school.

October 6, 1991 --
A day any Chiefs fan will never erase.
September 30, 2014 --
A day every Royals fan will embrace.

This "Double Header" back to back?
Is what sports is all about.
Don't be afraid to yell --
Godd*mmit, scream and shout!

This is our finest hour, KC!
This is what we've prayed for!
Do your part to make sure,
Both the Chiefs and the Royals score!

© 2014 Stevo Productions, No Rights Reserved.  May be rebroadcast at any time without the expressed, written consent of Major League Baseball.  First and second © for classic phrases; third © is for Jenni, as always.

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(* ok, fine, that's "fertilizer".  Oh, she did say it.  It was one helluva special moment in life.  But she said it this morning.  It rhymes with my favorite NBA team, and it was used in the adjective form, with the word "cool" after said word.  I love my mommy sometimes.)

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The “Klassy” Kevin Keitzman Tweet O’ The Week:

For once, I come to praise the Klassy One:


(photo credit: Snag-It 10, via my laptop.)

I have never wanted Kevin Keitzman to be right more in my life, than I do, with that Tweet.

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The Voice of Reason’s, uuh, Reason:

To be posted when and/or if received.  As always, will be posted unedited save for font and text formatting.

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The Jets Best Guess:

They’re not losing two straight to NFC Norris competition at home.

* at Jets (-1 ½) 19, Lions 14.  


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Tuesday:

I don't even know where to begin, other than to say, I pray Tuesday doesn't happen.  I pray it's Saturday.

Because Saturday, means the Royals have won the AL Central for the first time ever, and have a very winnable series against the Orioles.

But if it's Tuesday?  If Tuesday is when the Royals open this postseason?

Mr. Reason and I will be there, in whatever section, and whatever seat, I'm paying him $60 for the privilege, of doing so.

I've already warned him privately, so I'll warn all of you who might want to meet up with us, publically.

I am going to cry.  A lot.  

Hell, I'm crying just typing this.

Just like I cried for 43 straight minutes last night -- and awesomely, that is not a joke -- I cried for 43 straight minutes last night, watching (and re-watching) this:


For the life of me, I'm not sure what of those four minutes and fifty four seconds, is my favorite.  It's like having kids -- you don't play favorites.

(Which is an abject lie.  You always have a favorite.  And mine, is Moose at the 1:08 mark, shouting "F*ck yeah, Boys!" after man-hugging Lorenzo Cain.  If THAT is not a Stevo move at its' finest?  Then y'all don't know me at all).

And in case you missed how I feel about what Tuesday could be, I summed up what it means to me, Thursday night.

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The Chiefs Prognostication:

Has there ever been a prime-time regular season game LESS anticipated in this town, than Monday's Chiefs / Pats (the late, great don fambrough voice) showdown, throwdown, hoedown?

Other than the last time, the Chiefs and Pats faced each other on Monday night?  And you can pick your year -- 2000?  2004?  2011?

I picked the theme that I did, because it is the song that will close down The Tailgate.  There are very few moments in life guaranteed to make me cry.  (Note: this is an abject bullsh*t lie.)  But one of the very few, is hearing the haunting opening notes of "In The Air Tonight", as the sun sets behind us, and the smoke wafts over Arrowhead, for the walk in, creating a perfect storm of scenery.

Monday?  Celebrate the day.  Be loud.  This season is NOT over.  If the Royals of 2014 taught you anything, it should be to NEVER give up.  Don't EVER give up.

Be loud.  Make sure you leave that stadium with your hands hurting.  It should hurt to breathe Tuesday morning.

And then get ready, if that is the case, to do it all over again, Tuesday afternoon.

We're Chiefs.  And we're loud!

We're Royals.  And we're proud!  


Do yourself a favor.  Watch the stadium on the walk in.  Notice the smoke.  

And thank God above, for the privilege He's granted you, to get the opportunity to notice it.

* at Chiefs (+3) 11, Patriots 0.  If you don't get the significance of that score, then you've never been a fan, of at least one squad, taking the field in the hallowed stadiums of the Truman Sports Complex, at some point this week ...

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