Sunday, September 14, 2014

week two: don't lose focus

“All my days are spent;
All my cards are dealt.
Oh the desolation grows!

Every entry filled
As my heart is pierced?
Oh my soul is now exposed.

In the oceans deep,
In the canyons steep?
Walls of granite?  Here I stand!

All my desperate calls?
Echo off the walls.
Back and forth, then back again.

To believe I walk alone?
Is a lie that I’ve been told.

So let your heart hold fast –
For this soon shall pass.
Like the high tide takes the sand …”


Last Week ATS: 6-10-0.
Season to Date ATS: 6-10-0.

Last Week SU: 8-8-0.
Season to Date SU: 8-8-0.

“The Voice of Reason” Last Week ATS: 8-7-1.
“The Voice of Reason” Last Week SU: 8-7-1.
(Note; Mr. Reason does not pick SU winners.)

“Screw You Pete King” Upset / Week Last Week: yikes.
Season to Date Upset / Week ATS: 0-1-0.
Season to Date Upset / Week SU: 0-1-0.
This Week’s “Screw You Pete King” Upset / Week: Bears (+7) over 49ers.


The Non-Chiefs, Non-Jets Best Guesses:

* at Ravens (-2 ½) 27, Steelers 23.  I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: I am always willing to wager on a proven veteran team, at home, with its back to the wall, and its season on the line.  Which Baltimore’s, for all intents and purposes, is on Thursday night.

(Note: I tweeted my pick, to ensure accuracy of the statistics, Thursday about an hour before kickoff.)

* at Panthers 31, Lions (+2 ½) 28.  Way too many half points to deal with this week.

(Oh yeah – all lines, as always, brought to you by Stevo’s Site Numero Dos’ Official Oddsmaker, Danny Sheridan of USA Today.  Lines pulled at 6:49pm Thursday, September 11, 2014.)

*  at Bills (PK) 24, Dolphins 13.  One of these teams is going to be 2-0, unless they tie.  And there’s a damned good chance (at least I think so), the winner will be two clear of New England before Columbus Day.  Too bad it won’t last.

* at Redskins 21, Jaguars (+6) 20.  I can’t tell you how excited I was feeling, to have 28 ½ points to work with in that Jags / Eagles game last week, in the second quarter … and how deflating it was, to have Philly easily cover, by scoring 34 unanswered.  I hate gambling sometimes.

* Cowboys (+3 ½) 28, at Titans 17.  The last time Dallas stepped foot into whatever the hell Tennessee’s stadium is called nowadays, Albert Haynesworth was stomping and cheating his way into the dirtiest player in football.  Please, folks – be objective.  Yes, the Chiefs looked HORRIBLE on Sunday … but the Titans didn’t exactly blow us out of the building, until garbage time.  Don’t forget – the Titans / Chiefs game was still very winnable for the Chiefs with ten to play (down 23-10, and needing one stop to make things interesting).  And Dallas is not as horrible as it looked Sunday either.  Smells like an upset to me.  (Which means wager everything, up to and including the family dog, on the Titans winning big.)

* at Giants (+2 ½) 26, “Super” Cardinals 20.  If the “Super” Cardinals win this one, I’ll start buying what they’re selling.  Carson Palmer, on the road, East Coast kickoff time.  I’ll happily take the home underdog.

* Patriots (-3) 31, at Vikings 20.  If Adrian Peterson was playing, I’d be sorely tempted to pick the upset.  And while we’re on AP … (stevo taking a deep breath ...)

Look it – if I ever have kids?  (Cue every reader pleading "please God, NEVER let that happen!")  I will never lay a hand on them in anger or discipline.  Violence begets violence.  But to file child abuse charges over a spanking?  Cheapens legitimate child abuse.  This is a disgrace.  No matter how awful the spanking?  You'll have a tough time selling me it's abuse.

* Saints (-6 ½) 45, at Browns 13.  Hang on, I’m scanning the rest of the schedule.  (Pause).  “Webster Game O’ The Week”.

* at Bengals (-5) 27, Falcons 20.  Two teams I’m not even remotely sold on.  Gun to my head, I think Cincy’s a better shot to cover 5, than Atlanta is.

* at Bucs (-6) 41, Rams 6.  Sadly, pathetically, embarrassingly … this is only your “Gordon Shumway Game O’ The Week”.  Thank GOD this is a late game.  Ensures we get Cowboys / Titans here in beautiful Kansas City, instead of this craptacular event.

* Seahawks (-6) 34, at Chargers 20.  The donkeys should – and probably will – be two clear of every team in the division, by the time Carrie Underwood welcomes us to “Sunday Night Football”  (Pause).  That ain’t good.

* Texans (-3) 34, at raiders 0.  “Good Times Game O’ The Week”! 

* Bears (+7) 31, at 49ers 28.  I am frightened that The Sports Guy and I both love this one, as our Upsets of the Week.

* at Colts (-3) 34, Eagles 20.  After experiencing the lunacy that is Lucas Oil Stadium firsthand earlier this year, it’s gonna be damned hard for me to pick against the Colts, so long as Chuck”strong” and Andrew Luck, are on the field.


The “Klassy” Kevin Keitzman Tweet O’ The Week:

Oh boy.

There are weeks that Ol' Klassy steps in it.

And then ... there was this week.

When he not just steps in it -- he makes Andy's travel through "500 feet of the most foul smelling sh*t imaginable" to freedom, look clean and tidy.

(If you need to grasp the movie that reference comes from?  There's no hope for you.  (Pause).  Pun intended.)

This week's blast at the biggest hypocrite with a radio show in our fine metropolitan area ... comes via quotation, on Greg Hall's "Off The Couch" column ... and brace yourself readers.  This one?  Makes Roger Goodell look in touch and on top of things.

So, I'll ask the obvious: does the infamous tape still actually exist?  

(In the interest of full disclosure, I am friends with a few people that are law enforcement officials, who have knowledge of the (alleged) event that was (allegedly) recorded fourteen years ago.)  

You know, the tape in which the officer is (allegedly) clearly heard to (allegedly) say "you may pull your pants up now, (Klassy One)".  I want to know, does it still (allegedly) exist?  And if it does, how long until Entercom pulls its head out of its ass, and pulls a TMZ to get the (alleged) real deal to destroy their biggest competitor?

You have to love a man who presents himself as the ultimate "family man" and "average sports fan guy", standing up for the average dude ... who defends one of the One Percenters, literally knocking a woman unconscious in an elevator, then dragging her concussed / unconscious carcass out of said elevator feet first, as being the victim, because it was videotaped.  

I mean, and I hate to channel Dana Wright at any time, but it's deserved here:

(dana wright voice) For the love.  Really?

Ray Rice is the victim, because his beyond indefensible assault on his fiance, was caught on tape, according to Ol' Kev.

So I'll ask the obvious.

Is it the car's fault, that that night in Mission Hills (allegedly) happened?  Is it the casino floor at Harrah's fault that "K"KK's drunken passout at a blackjack table (allegedly ... although not really; I witnessed it) happened?  Is it the mother of his kids fault that his (alleged) infidelity happened?  Is it the intern's fault that she (allegedly) caused the breakup of his marriage to the mother of his kids?

I despise hypocrisy.  I don't care if you lie, so long as you have at least a semi-decent reason to do so.  And let's face it, I'm not exactly a bastion of morality.

But I try to avoid at all costs, being a rank, stank hypocrite.

Calling yourself (or in this case, by proxy, Ray Rice) the victim, because your (alleged) indefensible conduct is recorded for all to see?

I only have a single one-word response to that.


“The Voice of Reason”’s, uuh, Reason:

(To be posted when received.)


The “Tale O’ The Tape”:

No "Tale O' The Tape" this week.  Although I do have one ready for next week.


The Tailgating Plans:

There is no The Tailgating Plans due to this being a Chiefs road game.


The Poem:

There is no The Poem due to this being a Chiefs road game.


The Watching Party Plans:

Nothing set in stone yet, although I'd lay even odds it'll be at the Second Parents, but there's always a few other options.

So let me say, as always: everyone and anyone is always invited -- even donkey fans.  But you have to deal with me.  And it's denver.

Bring earmuffs for the kids.  Because I've never met a four letter word, I'm not ashamed to use in front of my mommy, to describe what I think, of the denver broncos.


The Jets Pick:

In the words of Scott Parks: “Oh God.”

In the words of the late, great Allen Ludden … and the late, great Bert Convy: “the password is, screwed”.

Because this one, is gonna be butt ass ugly.

* at Packers (-9 … note: ONLY 9?!?!?!) 56, Jets 3.


The Chiefs Prediction (And Possible Commentary):

I have to admit, this is one of the rarest of weeks.  I honestly didn’t have a theme for the Chiefs prediction and commentary, when I started this post.

Then the theme for the post – an awesome, awesome song you should take the time to spend three some odd minutes listening to – finally hit me as it did, because I spent a chunk of my Monday binge-watching Season Eight of “How I Met Your Mother” on Netflix, and this song is what plays during my favorite scene from that season – “The Robin”, from the second part of “The Final Play”.

Because the theme for this week?

I got nothing ... I think.


Last year, I explained why the Chiefs matter to me like they do.

Back in 2006, I have rarely if ever enjoyed a win over the denver broncos, like I did.

And in 2008?

The Chiefs were huge underdogs.  They entered the day on a 346 day losing streak.

It didn't matter.

It took two freaking recaps, to even attempt to express the thoughts of the day.


We aren't at Arrowhead.

Which apparently, in the eyes of most Chiefs fans, makes this Mission: Impossible.


Sometimes, you hit the road against a team that is much better than you -- or at least your equal -- and get your ass kicked.

But sometimes, you don't.

I will never forget 1999, when Tamarick Vanover returned a punt late in the game, to beat the donkeys at Real Mile High.

Or 2000, when the Chiefs trailed 19-3, and won 23-22 on the back of not one, not two, not three, not four, not five, not six, but seven -- seven! -- donkey turnovers, the last of which being a Marvcus Patton interception that left Kevin Harlan speechless ... and the residents of an apartment in western Shawnee overjoyed.

Or 2009, when on my 32nd birthday, the Chiefs -- with nothing to play for -- and the donkeys -- facing a "win and you're in" status -- ended the season with a demolition, the Chiefs first win at fake mile high, a 44-20 boatracing that still makes me smile five years later.

Or 2011, when the donkeys again faced a "win and you're in", and the Chiefs had nothing to play for ... and won one horrific game, 7-3 (although the donkeys did ultimately win the division via tiebreakers).

The matchup I keep coming back to for this one though, is 2006.  When a Chiefs team coming off a major personnel loss to open the season (Trent Green), having been blown out at home by a likely wildcard rival (Bengals), had to travel to fake mile high to face a donkeys team nobody thought they could compete against.  In case you've forgotten 2006, we started a dude by the name of Damon Huard that afternoon in denver.

It was Mr. Huard's first start in six years -- since a start in November 2000.

And it was his first appearance in a game -- save for the previous week -- since mop-up duty in 2003.

The result?  donkeys 9, Chiefs 6, in overtime.

In defeat?  The Chiefs saved their season, as they'd win seven of their next nine, the seventh of which -- against the donkeys, in prime time, on Thanksgiving weekend?

Got the Chiefs into the playoffs, on tiebreakers ... over the denver broncos.


"The Robin" is my favorite scene, from my second favorite season of "How I Met Your Mother", even though, in the end, Robin proved to be right.

Barney and Robin didn't make it twenty minutes in the series finale as a couple -- they took the "Three Year Off Ramp" and ended the marriage that neither of them was satisfied with.  A fan of the show could argue their ending was so freaking predictable, it's freaking pathetic.  (OK, fine, I would argue that.  But I know I'm not alone.)

And yet, I still love the scene, even knowing in hindsight -- and strongly suspecting in the moment -- what the end game would be.

Because Barney gambled everything, on the one thing, he unconditionally, truly loved.

And for once?  It wasn't himself.


Barney declared his intentions right off the bat (Step One: Admit to yourself that you still have feelings for this girl).

He inserted the "wait, what the hell are we exactly?" moment in every relationship that frustrates the living hell out of you (Step Three: Agree that you two don't work, blocking the door on any future you could have together).

He stooped to levels unimaginable, in an effort to win the battle for Robin's heart (Step Five: Find the person who annoys Robin the most in the world ... and ask for her help).


Sorry, I have to.


God, I'm gonna miss this show.

And then he gets to the point, Step Fourteen.

"The last play you'll ever run".


If you know me at all, you know I am not an arrogant or selfish person.  I almost never demand my way.  And when I do?  It's probably for a damned good reason.

Today, Chiefs fans?

I need this game.

Because I need to believe, in the one thing, I irrationally, and indefensibly, turn to, as my beacon of hope.

I need my Robin, to read Step Sixteen today, and do what it says.

"Hope she'll say yes".


We've seen classic moment after classic moment in this rivalry.

We have Dante Hall in 2003.  Pete For President in 1997.

I don't know why, but I think we're getting a moment today.

So help me God, I irrationally love this team.  I unreasonably love this team.

Today, we get Step Sixteen.

Or as I put it seven years ago, in the words of QB1 Saracen, my eyes are open, Coach.  My eyes are wide open!


* Chiefs (+11 1/2) 29, at broncos 19.  I have no idea how.  I have no idea why.  I just know that I believe in "Fat" Andy Reid.  I have seen Alex Smith enter fake mile high as a multi-touchdown underdog, spot the demons broncos a 13-0 lead ... and with absolutely nothing to play for, rally to win in overtime.

I just think this day is gonna be one, to tell your grandkids about someday.  The day the Chiefs began the donkeys decline into irrelevance.  The day the myth of peyton manning was thrown into the trash can once and for all.

And if I'm wrong?

Then so be it.

But I'm gambling the Chiefs will say yes ...

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the third thursday thirteen ...

"So you're dancing on the ocean -- Running fast, along the sand. A spirit born, of earth and water -- Fire flying from your hand...