Monday, September 1, 2014

"the family" funeral part siete: the twenty seven questions

“Holy Moses, I have been removed.
I have seen the specter; he has been here too.
Distant cousin from down the line;
Brand of people who ain’t my kind!
Holy Moses, I have been removed!

Holy Moses, I have been deceived.
Now the wind has changed direction, and I’ll have to leave.
Won’t you please excuse my frankness,
But it ain’t my cup of tea.
Holy Moses, I have been deceived!

I’m going back to the border!
Where my affairs, my affairs ain’t abused!
I can’t take any more bad water;
I’ve been poisoned, from my head down to my shoes! …”


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Question 1: For The Champ.

Why didn’t you return my phone call, that would have prevented all of this from occurring?

Also – we’re coming back to this one, for Question 26.

Question 2: For The Chica.

Why did you tell me to call him, if you had no intention, of making him talk?

Yup, we’re coming back to this one, for Question 26.

Question 3: To The Ex.

Why didn’t you listen to all of us, when it came to Josh?

Question 4: To The Champ and The Chica.

How much of a role, did our political differences – especially in the 2012 Presidential Election – play into your treatment of me?

Question 5: To The Ex.

Whose decision was it to have Dustin walk you down the aisle?

Question 6: To The Entire Family.

Define the meaning of these three words and or phrases to you: (a) “friendship”, (b) “ally”, (c) “us being us”.

Question 7: To The Champ.

Even if we were somehow able to overcome this, how can I justify ever giving you a position of influence in my life again, where you are allowed to make decisions that directly affect me?

Question 8: To The Chica.

What did Penny do, to deserve to be blacklisted and left out of every shower for Miles?  And as a follow-up, what did Mona do, to deserve the same blacklist / left out treatment from you, when it came to Miles’ showers?

(Note: in fairness to The Chica, this question might be better asked of those who planned said showers ... but I'd still love to know the answer to this one, from her.)

Question 9: To The Chica.

If Ashley and Cameron treated you every day for two and a half years, like you and Dustin have treated me, how would you feel?  How would you react, to being treated, like you have treated me?

Question 10: To The Family.

Do we think it is right, to have put our friends, and people we all care about, in the position this fight has forced them to accept?  To pick a side, or risk a blacklisting?  Are we really ok with that?

Question 11: To The Champ, The Chica, and The Ex.

Would another “Insert Ounces Here” Tailgate have even helped?  It worked in 2009; would any of you have even shown up, had there been one in 2014?

Question 12: To The Champ and The Chica.

Did you show up at Lew’s intending to lie, decide to lie once you got there, or did the fact that every promise you made me – which, as I suspected at the time, turned out to be pure lies – turn into lies after Lew’s?

Question 13: To The Champ.

You shouted at me one night that “I think it’s wrong when someone takes something from someone, they don’t want to give up, in order to get something they don’t have.  That’s wrong!”

Three questions off that statement you made:

A. Can you please explain why your taking my bowling team from me, that I didn’t want to give up, so you could have your little toddlers team, that you didn’t have, was the right thing to do, based upon your stated belief above?  And

B. Can you please explain why taking this friendship from me, from us, that I sure as hell didn’t want to give up, so you could get whatever pleasures you’ve gotten from destroying it, that you didn’t have, was the right thing to do, based upon your stated belief above?  And

C. Can you please explain how you could vote for Barack Obama – who ran on a campaign to take from the rich, to redistribute from the poor – was the right thing to do, based upon your stated belief above?

Question 14: To The Champ and The Chica.

Why did you return the third gift, and not the first two?

(Note: I actually know the answer to this one.  I’d just love to hear them admit the reason why, for all of you to know.  Because you’ll view this fight completely differently, once you know the answer.)

Question 15: To The Ex.

What did Josh get you addicted to?  And are you willing to seek the help you need?

Question 16: To The Champ.

What reason(s) did you give to The Chica – and I would assume, anyone else who asked – for why you showed up to meet me last June at Hooters?

Question 17: To The Champ … and I suppose, to The Chica.

Why didn’t you include Katie and I in the discussions to blow our team up?  Did you not think we had a right to know?

Question 18: To The Chica.

This isn’t just a question, it’s also an apology.  I honestly believed you were lying, when you swore to me throughout the Spring of 2012 that Katie wasn’t being targeted for elimination from the post-bowling group.  I owe you an apology, for that belief of mine, because you weren’t lying.  Katie wasn’t the target.  It was me.

So true or false: the target for elimination, was actually me?

Question 19: To The Chica.

What were you thinking, virtually inviting yourself over last Easter Sunday, for the conversation that killed whatever was left of this friendship? 

This is another question, that when we get to Question 26, my reason for asking it, will make more sense.

Question 20: To The Champ.

What would your mother think and/or say, if she knew exactly how you and your wife have treated me, over the last two and a half years?

Question 21: To The Champ and The Chica.

Why did you show up at that BBQ competition last July that Russ was in?

(Note: I believe I know the answer to this question.  I’d just love for them to admit the answer, so that all of you can see, who these two people have become.)

Question 22: To The Champ.

Was this worth it?  Is what you have gained from everything you’ve done over the last two and a half years, more than what you have lost, because of your decisions and choices?

Question 23: To The Chica.

If you were as concerned for my existence a few years ago as you claimed, then why didn’t you come to me, instead of going behind my back to my brother?

Question 24: To The Chica.

I was told by your husband, that my post detailing maybe 42.63% of what you two had done to me, made you cry.

Why did you cry, at reading that post?

Question 25: To The Champ.

Are you proud of what your decisions, your choices, your actions, your words, your vision, has caused us to become?

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For those who forgot, Question 27, was addressed to all of you reading this:

If (The Champ and The Chica) will do this to me, given what they claim I meant to them – if they’ll treat me like they have every day for two plus years, without a shred of guilt, remorse, or regret, let alone disgust?  If they’ll do the things they’ve done to me?

Do you really think they’ll hesitate to do to you, something even worse?

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(stevo taking a deep breath …)

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(stevo taking a very deep breath …)

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The rest of this post?

Is me looking Dusty in the face, “mano y mano”, as I ask – and then answer, from my perspective, Question 26.

I know he will eventually read this, if only because at least one of you reading this who knows him, will tell him “yo, dude!  Stevo’s gone off on you again on the blog!”

It’s the fact that I have to say what I have to say, in this forum?

That somewhat explains why I am as angry, pissed, (bleeping) furious, and f*cking hurt?

As I am.

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Question 26: To The Champ.

Do you actually know why I am as hurt and angry and pissed off, as I am?

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Because here’s the answer to Question 26.

Sir?  I thought we were friends.  And even more than that – I thought we were amongst the best of friends.  I thought you would always have my back – just as I have always had yours, no matter what.  It is because of that unique, special relationship, that having endured the fire together, so to speak, that I was able to forgive you for the unforgivable, after Stubbs.

I thought I mattered to you.  I thought I had value, and importance, and meaning, to you and your wife.

Which is why your reaction to August 15, 2012, hurts so much, and pisses me off so much.

Because you shouted as loudly as you could that night, and every night and day since, that it was all a lie.

I didn’t matter to you.  I had no value, no meaning, no significance, no importance.

Because on August 15, 2012, you and your wife declared to me, to our friends, to our acquaintences, to anyone and everyone who knows us, that I’m not worth three minutes of your time.

Three minutes, Dustin.  That’s all that call would have lasted.  Once Katie told me what you sent her to tell me (and yes, readers, he is that big of a gutless chicken sh*t coward, that he sends his wife and my ex, to tell me what’s going on, while refusing every request of me, to do it himself), I remembered that conversation.  That’s all it would have taken, dude.  Three minutes.

Katie?  You gave her three minutes.

Josh?  You gave him three minutes, and he wasn’t even in the damned league.

And I’m guessing – because while you are a lot of things, you are not stupid – I’m guessing you gave Cam and what’s his name their three minutes, when you pulled the plug on that team.

But to this moment?  When I ask you for those three minutes – which, in fairness, would now be more like three hours, to cover all the wrong, mistakes, and failure you’ve caused?

The answer is always no.

Dusty, this was never about a bowling league team.  It was always about us -- namely the fact, that you keep proving day after day after day, that we were never anything worth remembering.  Because I am not worth three minutes of your time, to you.

That?  Is what fuels this fight, from my side.  I not only want my three minutes, I want to know why you refuse to grant them, every time I ask. 

Because if I truly mattered to you?  If this friendship was something that had meaning and value to you?  If I was someone of importance to you?

You'd grant me three days, three months, three years -- however long it took, in an effort to save this relationship. 

And you f*cking know it.

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You all can judge this fight fairly now.  All I have asked them to do, is to talk.  I have not asked for punishment, for apologies (although I believe a sh*t ton are due me), and I have not asked Dustin or Kellie or Katie, to do anything, I haven’t already done for them, upon their request.

They claimed I mattered, I was important.  And yet, when push came to shove?  I wasn’t worth three minutes of time, out of a forty minute car ride home, from a golf course in Belton.

What was more important, in those three minutes Champ?  Chica?  Was the cigarette or the blunt that much better, than doing the right thing, and owning your decision?  Was that stimulating debate between “sunroof or a/c” more meaningful, than preventing the implosion of a friendship you two claimed mattered enough to you, that you named it “The Family”?  Maybe I’m biased, but short of road head, I fail to see what could possibly have been more important in those three minutes, than in doing right by someone you claimed was not just a friend, but family. 

And even if that’s the answer, really?  You couldn’t have had the conversation while said road head, was going down (rimshot!)

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And if I’m wrong about that belief?  Then what the hell is wrong with you, to make me wrong, in believing that doing the morally and ethically right thing, when the moment arrives, is what you should do, irregardless of how it makes you feel?

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Donnie was right; this was therapeutic.

Because with this, I’m done fighting this war.  I’m done being the only one who gives a shit about The Family.  I’m done being the only one who makes the compromises, who caves, who gives in, who does what he or she doesn’t want to do, because the other side does want me to do it.

You all have to decide, what we become from here.  Because I will not – not now, not ever – back off of my one demand.  There must be a brutally open, honest, frank conversation, in which we address the only three questions that matter to any relationship – where are we, how the hell did we get here, and where the fuck do we go from here.

You can approach me individually, you can approach me collectively, but until you approach me and are willing to do for me, what I have done for each of you when asked to (note: The Champ has never asked to talk, but The Chica and The Ex have), until you’re willing to talk?  We’re done.

Because Dusty?  This is the one thing you are either too ignorant and stupid, or too arrogant and selfish, to grasp.  It isn’t the conversation itself, that matters to me. 

The conversation doesn’t really matter to me, at least with you, if I'm being honest.  You and I both know that (a) I'll forgive you for everything but one thing, if you express genuine remorse, and (b) I'm never going to forgive you for how you handled this, so I'm not going to even try.  I'll let it be the proverbial elephant in the room.  If you are the Champ from three years ago?  If you're the Chica or The Ex from three years ago, from that floater on the Niangra, from Nebraskapalooza, from every other amazing, incredible day of this friendship prior to August 15, 2012?  

Three minutes fixes everything.

Because the conversation matters to me, because of the “three minutes” discussed above.  You want me to believe you give a shit about me, or this friendship?  Then do what I’ve asked you to do.  Not because you want to; I know you don’t.  

Do it because I asked you to do it.  Prove that I matter to you.  

Prove that this friendship mattered to you and Kellie.  Prove that I had value and meaning and importance in your lives.

Prove it, by doing what you don’t want to do, simply because your friend, has asked you to.

It’s up to you, to decide what we become.

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Is this “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road”, or is this “Healing Hands”?  I truly hope it’s “Healing Hands”.  I fear it’s “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road”.

Is this “Border Song”, or is this “Someday Out Of the Blue”?  Because I truly hope that someday out of the blue?  Maybe years from now, or tomorrow night?  I’ll turn and I’ll see you, as if I always knew, someday we would start again, someday soon.

More to the point, which part of “The Last Song” are we: the first four lines of the chorus (which I included in the prior post) … or the last four lines of the chorus (which I intentionally left out).

Champ?  Chica?  Ex?  Which one are we?

“Because I never thought I’d lose!
I only thought I’d win!
I never dreamed I’d fear,
This fire beneath my skin.”

Is that us?  Or is this us?

“I can’t believe you love me.
I never thought you’d come.
I guess I misjudged love,
Between a (friend) and his (friends) …”

When you decide the answer to that question, you know how to reach me.  Until you decide the answer to that question – until and unless you are ready to start over, by dealing with the past, if simply to get it off the table for good?  Until you’re ready to be us again? 

Don’t bother to try.

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"Loveliness we've lost?
Those empty days?  Without your smile?
This torch?  We'll always carry,
For our nation's golden child.

Even though we tried?
The truth brings us to tears.
All our words cannot express?
The joy you've brought us, through the years.

And it seems to me?  
You've lived your life,
Like a candle in the wind.

Never fading,
With the sunset,
When the rain set in.

And your footsteps? 
Will always fall here,
Along England's greenest hills.

Your candle burned out
Long before?
Your legend ever will.

Goodbye England's Rose.
May you ever, grow in our hearts;
You were the grace that placed yourself,
Where lives were torn apart.

Goodbye England's Rose,
From a country lost without your soul --
We'll miss the wings of your compassion?
More than you will ever know.

And it seems to me?
You lived your life?
Like a candle in the wind.

Never fading?
With the sunset,
When the rain set in.

And your footsteps?
Will always fall here,
Amongst England's greenest hills.

Your candle burned out
Long before?
Your legend ever will ..."

-- "Goodbye England's Rose (Candle In The Wind) by Elton John.

My final parting shot, for better or worse, to the greatest friendship, anyone could possibly ever know.

How sad, pathetic, and embarrassing, that I'm the only one who gets it ...

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