The meaner side of me.
They took away the prophet's dream?
For a profit on the street.
Now she's stronger than you know --
A heart of steel starts to grow ...
All his life he's been told,
He'll be nothing when he's old.
All the kicks and all the blows?
He won't ever let it show.
'Cause he's stronger than you know --
A heart of steel starts to grow ...
When you've been fighting for it all your life?
You've been struggling to make things right?
That's how a superhero learns to fly!
(Every day! Every hour! Turn the pain into power!)
When you've been fighting for it all your life?
You've been working every day and night?
That's how a superhero learns to fly!
(Every day! Every hour! Turn the pain into power!)
All the hurt? All the lies?
All the tears that they cry?
When the moment is just right?
You see fire in their eyes!
'Cause he's stronger than you know --
A heart of steel starts to grow!
When you've been fighting for it all your life?
You've been struggling to make things right?
That's how a superhero learns to fly!
(Every day! Every hour! Turn the pain into power!)
When you've been fighting for it all your life?
You've been working every day and night?
That's how a superhero learns to fly!
(Every day! Every hour! Turn the pain into power!) ...
-- "Superheroes" by The Script.
--------------------
Last Week ATS: 9-6-1.
Season to Date ATS: 9-6-1.
Last Week SU: 10-5-1.
Season to Date SU: 10-5-1.
(Note: not sure how to count the tie, so I counted it as a tie.)
Last Week Upset / Week: again, how to count the tie?
Season to Date Upset / Week ATS: 1-0-0.
Season to Date Upset / Week SU: 0-0-1.
This Week's Upset / Week: (mr. hoduski voice) stay tuned.
The Non-Jets, Non-Chiefs Picks.
* at Bengals (-1) 31, Ravens 14. The only thing dumber than picking the Bengals in a prime time contest, is believing the Ravens are a playoff-caliber team. They're not. My nephew's flag football team could have beaten the Bills last week, and he's not only ten, he doesn't play flag football. The Bills are putr ... what? (Pause). You're kidding. There's a text message, that just arrived, regarding god-awful football teams? What are the f*cking odds of that happening?
OK, send it through.
"Getting donkey punched by ... a 7 year old is quite an accomplishment" -- Gregg G, Bonner Springs.
True story: that was an actual text sent to me Monday night, by this site's "Voice of Reason".
(If it's possible for this site to have some semblance of reason. I'm not convinced that it is, and this is year eleven blogging here.)
Also a true story: entering Monday night's games, team tito (me) trailed 109.6-39.3 to GO BIG RED.
GO BIG RED's general manager? Is a second grader.
Let that sink in. I was down sixty points!
TO A SEVEN YEAR OLD!!!!!
I defy you to find anyone else with an IQ above that of a fallen leaf, capable of that accomplishment. Go on. I dare you. I dare you!
What I actually find stunning? Is that I was not only sober, but not on a date, while drafting my squad this year! That's the first time in ... well, ever, that one of those two things couldn't be said about why my draft was so awful! (To be fair, that's twenty "sh*t faced drunk" and one "on a date" drafts, but still.)
Even sober? I still can't put together a team capable of going better than 3-10 and earning a top two pick next year!
I can't even put together a team capable of staying within 35 points of a seven year old!
So lesson learned. Next year I'm just gonna wake and bake on Draft Day, drink all afternoon, and hit up the Eclipse a half hour before the draft starts. Fat, drunk and stupid may be no way to go through life, but drunk, stoned, and screwed isn't any worse of an option.
--------------------
(And that, peoples and peepettes, is a new segment going to appear (hopefully) in each week's picks post: the "Best Rip of Stevo O' The Week". It can be a text, an email, a tweet, a snarky ass comment in the break room, a hilarious rip of me in the comments section. Consider this your invitation to open fire at me. The shot that I find the funniest, will get posted, credited, and responded to.)
(Also, as my best friends can confirm -- and if you peruse the site, you'll see it's true -- nobody makes more fun of me, than me. I'm a big boy. I can take it.)
(Back to this poorly prepared post of pigskin prognostications. Sadly, still porn star free.)
--------------------
* at Redskins (-6) 38, Colts 24. This could actually turn into a sneaky good contest.
* at "Shane" Falcons (-6) 31, Panthers 13. In the words of Stevo's Site Numero Dos' Official Color Commentator (Emeritus), the great Dan Dierdorf: "it would behoove the Atlanta Falcons to win this game".
* at Packers (-1) 27, Vikings 20. I'm assuming Aaron Rodgers plays.
* Texans (-2) 27, at Titans 10. I'm assuming Marcus Mariota plays.
* "Super" Chargers (-7) 34, at Bills 3. Holy stench, Batman! This game reeks from 2,000 miles away! Hang on ... (stevo scanning the remaining matchups) ... oh yeah. Ain't we lucky we got 'em? "Good Times Game O' The Week" honors!
* Eagles (-3) 27, at Bucs 13. Yo, Fitzy? Where the hell was that effort in the 2015 finale, when you sh*t the bed at The Ralph and cost the Jets the six seed? God bless, I hate damned near every quarterback not named Norman Esiason to wear the Green.
* at Saints 34, Browns (+9) 30. I'm not laying nine on a defense this awful. Holy God, I couldn't have defended the pass worse than the Saints did last week, and let's just say, a legless, armless dude could have torched me for 9 catches, 240 yards, and 5 TDs on the grass at Holy Trinity (brantley gilbert voice) back in the day.
* at Rams (-13) 45, "Super" Cardinals 3. On the other hand, they could bump this line to seventeen and I'd lay the points. It's a shame Buffalo and Arizona don't play each other this year. That'd be a sight to
* at 49ers 31, Lions (+6) 28 (OT). The Lions cannot possibly be this bad. Also, the last thing in the world I want as a Chiefs fan is an 0-2 San Francisco team descending on Arrowhead next week. I need my "Perfect Chiefs Game" * for the Patrick Mahomes "Of The Chiefs" era's beginning.
(*: the "perfect Chiefs game" is when the Chiefs get up three scores (ideally at halftime, acceptable early third quarter) on a 80 plus degree sunny afternoon, and I get to spend the second half with the feet propped up, a beer in hand, wondering where the hell my t-shirt disappeared to. Note: these rarely if ever happen outside of the preseason. In fact, I believe 2010 was the last time it did ... ironically, against the 49ers.)
* at Jaguars (+1) 31, Patriots 20. Best game of the weekend. Really looking forward to this one.
* raiders (+6) 20, at those people 3. I know on 9/11 Week this is going to sound crass and so, so wrong ... but once again, readers: if terrorists strike whatever the hell they're call fake mile high as this game is underway? It is not a national tragedy. It is cause for a national celebration.
* at Cowboys (-3) 17, Giants 6. I ask this with all sincerity: what fan of this sport would prefer this slopfest to Jags / Pats as the Sunday Nighter? I don't need to watch the Cowboys whip the Giants' worthless asses eight ways from Sunday every season in prime time. We get it, broadcast people. God forbid you offer up some variety -- especially early on in the season.
I mean, it's not like your ratings are holding steady -- or improving! -- showing the same tired, stale sh*t every week in prime time, right?
(Note: I believe this is one of the three reasons ratings are falling for the NFL: retread matchups noone outside of the New England corridor gives a damn about. Nobody west of Philadelphia and north of The District is tuning in for a Giants prime time game, other than the media market that houses the team the Giants are facing. The other two reasons? The demographic that elevated the NFL to the top of the ratings heap (men my age: 25-45), now have families and/or jobs that don't allow us to stay up until pushing midnight for a Week Eight showdown ... and sadly, there is some backlash to the Anthem "crisis" our (biting my tongue ...) President has created. The Anthem backlash, I'd argue, is the least problematic -- and most easily solved -- of the three reasons. But like with everything else he touches? The Anthem debacle has blown up on Roger Goodell. And like all the other blowups? Deservedly so.)
* at Bears (-3 1/2) 24, Seahawks 14. Losses like Sunday night always affect the season in one trajectory or another. My way of saying, the Bears are either finishing 9-7 / 10-6 and on the fringes of a wild card berth ... or 3-13 and giving the raiders a top five pick. As a Chiefs fan, I pray it's the former, and not the latter.
The "Klassy" Kevin Keitzman Tweet O' The Week.
I'm giving the "King of Klass" a pass this week, mainly because he hasn't posted anything worth dissecting for (pick one) being an outrageous lie / being utterly self-righteous and hypocritical / making zero to little sense. Let's have a better week, Ol' Kev. Deliver us an instant Keitz Klassik next week, please.
The Watching Party Plans.
We'll be on the patio. It's "Kids Kook" Day for the homegating. I am making two of the only three things I am even semi-qualified to make (and I do make them well), my jalapeno poppers and that awesome lil' concoction called "taco soup". (I also make jello shots better than anyone not named Rachelle; those I'm saving for next week.) I know we'll have the lil' weenies wrapped in bacon, and I'm fairly confident the buffalo dip will be available.
Why the hell we're making food with a bite to it, when the forecasted high in Kansas City on Sunday is currently 90 degrees, I have no idea. But hey, the Pool is still open, and it actually doesn't feel as bad as you'd think. (The water temp is still in the low 70s, and figures to rise as (thank you Jesus!) the heat rises here this week as well.)
As always, anyone is welcome to attend. Just brace yourselves though. I actually hate the Steelers more than I hate the raiders, gun to my head. I will probably not be as pleasant to be around, as I was last week. (jaimmie voice) Wait -- you were "pleasant to be around" last week?!?!?!
The Tailgating Plans.
There are no The Tailgating Plans, as this is not a Chiefs game I will be in attendance for.
Stevo's Drink O' The Week.
There are some things in life that never fail to disappoint. Like me, for example. (Rimshot!)
But there are those very, very few things that never fail to not only meet the hype, but kick said hype to (reggie jackson voice) second f*cking base. And one of those things is without question -- (allard baird voice) without question! -- the best beer ever brewed.
Shiner Bock.
For the record, I had eleven of them during the Chiefs game. I could have had fifteen more and still had room to top off the tank. I'd forgotten how insanely good Shiner Bock is.
But more to the point, I am returning to my adopted home state ** the last week in October *** for my cousin's wedding. And according to Google, Shiner, Texas is a mere 90 minutes from the Riverwalk (where I'll be staying). Factor in that it'll be me or my brother driving, and you can knock that down to 75 minutes, max.
Get ready, Spoetzl Brewery. 'Cause I'm coming.
(**: Texas is one of two states that arguably has a legal right to secede from the union, given they entered the union as an independent nation, not a colony or territory. (The other is Hawaii.)
If Texas ever secedes, buh bye Kansas City. Houston here I come!)
(***: I am fully aware of the Chiefs game on Sunday, October 28, at noon CT. I have a 5:02am flight out of San Antonio that Sunday morning back to KC, via Dallas, that lands at KCI at 8:07am. I should be at Arrowhead by 9am, 9:30 at the latest. As always, I could literally be on my deathbed, and if someone didn't wheel my to my seat for the game against those people? I wouldn't be the one dying.)
The Flashback.
Wow. The choices a game against the Steelers presents.
The Mitch Lyons Game (1999 Week Fifteen). The single most ridiculous booze smuggling moment I've ever seen at Arrowhead (aka "The Beer Boy Game") (2001 Week
But for this week, there's only one obvious choice.
1986 Week Sixteen.
It not only marked the last time the Chiefs won in Pittsburgh entering this week ... it also was a victory that propelled the Red and Gold to the postseason for the first time in my life.
Presented without commentary below, other than to note, if anyone wonders why Dave Taub hasn't gotten a fair shot at a head coaching gig yet, this game -- specifically our special teams coach in this game -- is reason numero uno:
Disreputable Mexican Food Truck Update.
As noted last week, I've now been employed in my current job for a year **** . And in case you didn't know, I work in the shadow of PennTower on 31st and Broadway.
Most days I try to take at least a quick walk at lunch, if only to go grab lunch. (Hey, you smell Gates all day long and tell me you wouldn't at least be drawn towards that fine establishment a couple blocks away.)
During the summer, my pattern was the same most days: exit the office, head north on Broadway, then east on 31st, south on Main, west on Linwood, and then back north on Broadway to the office. It's about a fifteen minute walk, which when it's 96 and sunny at noon, is about all you can handle when you have to wear a shirt and tie every day.
Anyways, for most of the summer, the most amazing sight for me every day has been the destroyed metal fence in front of my congressman's office on 31st Street. (I'll take "drunk driver for 800, Alex".) "Sleazy" Manny Cleaver (or "Car Wash" Cleaver -- either one works), this fine upstanding man of the cloth, hasn't bothered to pay to replace said fence. (Which stuns me -- "Sleazy" Manny has NEVER met an expense billed to us Jackson County taxpayers he's ever said no to, before, up to and including his bankrupt car wash).
So, now that the temperature has been more, uuh, reasonable, at lunch time, I've gone back to my preferred walking pattern -- to head south down Broadway to the Uptown Theatre, and then back to the office. About the same distance, about the same amount of time, only I like the view better ***** .
If you live in Kansas City, odds are you've been to a concert at the Uptown before. (Or had a fun night of ... something, next door at Hamburger Mary's. I've certainly done both.) The beauty of the Uptown is that the outside has not aged a day since about 1962. Right down to still having to put up the lettering for the facade announcing future bookings.
Peoples and peepettes?
The old school facade outside the Uptown is no more.
Holy hell, Batman! They went digital! What's next, Hamburger Mary's not employing drag queens? Comedy City actually filling its' parking lot?
I could not believe this development. (In the interest of full disclosure, the Uptown is my second favorite concert venue in our fine metropolitan area, behind only Starlight Theatre. (Pause). You're damned right I spell "theatre" and "centre" like they were meant to be spelled: Canadian style.)
The Uptown Theatre has entered the 1980s.
Circle me confused, Bert. Circle me confused.
(****: in my previous job, our salaries had been frozen since 2011. I had not had a raise in seven years. I knew I was getting one, because my boss asked if I was going to be there all of last week (I was), as I needed to sign my review to get my raise on my next check.
I was hoping for 5%. I got 12% ... and that's where the story goes from "holy sh*t" to "holy f*cking sh*t!" Because as I was staring at the 12% raise (approximately $6,500 / year), my boss' boss (who isn't exactly my biggest fan) then dropped the four best words I've heard in a long time:
"I fought for twenty (percent)."
I may f*ck up and fail at 92.46% of my life ... but at least I'm damned good at my job. And for the first time in seven years, sees that job recognized with more than a "as you know, salaries are frozen, but if they weren't ..." plea to stick around another year.)
(*****: if you haven't been down to Midtown in a while ... do yourself a favor. (And no, you won't need an armor-plated car for this exercise ... anymore, anyway.) Drive down, uuh, Armour Boulevard, between Main and The Paseo. Especially between Gillham and The Paseo.
And look at what has become of Hyde Park!
It is -- and given I live in Waldo, which ain't exactly a shabby part of Kansas City, and given I take Ward Parkway through the Plaza to work everyday, again not a shabby part of Kansas City, this is saying something -- I honestly think that stretch of road on Armour is the coolest, prettiest, most awe-inspiring stretch of the city. Five years ago, damned near every house and complex was boarded up and/or occupied by a homeless drug addict.
Now? If you can find one, a studio starts $900 / month, and an actual bedroom starts at $1,350 / month. Two bedroom? $2,350 / month. (Believe me, I looked ... and nearly choked, given I pay $550 / month for my wing of the house I rent.)
I've said it before and I'll say it again: you can have suburbia. Give me the city. Because eventually? Suburbia is going to die too, like the city did thirty years ago. Unlike the city? Once suburbia dies, it ain't coming back. At least not like Hyde Park, Union Hill, and Valentine has.)
The Jets Prediction.
Picking the Jets This Season:
Straight Up: 0-1-0.
Against the Spread: 0-1-0.
Upset / Week: not applicable yet.
Well, I never saw that coming.
I've been referring to Sam Darnold as Browning Nagel Junior for a few months now, and go figure, his first pass as a Jet, was a TaINT.
The rest of the game? Far, far better than any Jets fan had any right or reason to expect.
And so, for what, the tenth time in thirty years? The latest franchise salvation under center makes his debut at the Fake Meadowlands.
Either the Dolphins or the Jets are going to be 2-0 (unless we see another tie), and likely atop the AFC East two weeks in. Enjoy it while it lasts guys.
* at Jets (-3) 28, Dolphins 17.
The Chiefs Pontification and Prognostication.
Picking the Chiefs This Season:
Straight Up: 1-0-0.
Against the Spread: 1-0-0.
Upset / Week: not applicable yet.
("the congregation") (getting restless)
("pastor stevo") (shifting his "sermon" notes)
("pastor stevo") (chugging a shiner bock)
Let's begin.
--------------------
There's one moment from last week's season opening win, that still, five days later, has me so geeked up I nearly tear up just seeing it * .
It was not a play made by Tyreek Hill. It was not one of those awesome RPO "passes" at the goalline that made a significant contribution to my blowout defeat to a seven year old. It was not Ron Parker's interception (the most underrated play of the game, in my opinion). It was not DAT stripping and recovering a fumble at the Chargers two (that should have broke the Chargers back, for what it's worth).
It wasn't Spencer Ware absolutely demolishing Derwin James in the open field. It wasn't whoever the Chargers employ as their kicker nowadays shanking his last attempt, to seal the victory for the Red and Gold.
In fact?
It wasn't even a play at all.
--------------------
(*: let's just acknowledge the Captain Oats right off the bat: it is going to be insanely dusty in Section 132 next Sunday, come about 11:50am. There is not enough Benadryl in the metropolitan area, to keep my tear ducts from getting clogged with, uuh, tears, about that time next Sunday, as the offense is introduced. And I guaran-damn-tee you, I won't be the only one, to have a bad allergic reaction to the Chiefs' refusal to spray our seats down with Pledge or Endust or some other dust-clearing thingy, on GameDay morning.)
--------------------
The moment was Patrick Mahomes "Of The Chiefs", on the sideline, after a Chiefs touchdown last Sunday. Based on the comment, based on his words, it has to be from the second half. It's five simple words. Five words that, I am guessing, every other NFL team has had their quarterback say before. (Well, except for maybe the Browns.)
Five words that, to be honest?
I've never heard a Chiefs quarterback say, prior to Sunday.
Five words that reflect just how much one person can influence a franchise. Can affect the entire mindset of a team, of an organization.
Five simple words.
--------------------
"We ain't stopping! Bury them!" -- Patrick Mahomes "Of The Chiefs".
--------------------
When I heard that watching the highlights on Sunday night, I got chills. I mean, chills.
This is what I've waited for, for my entire life. A quarterback who gets it.
When you have your opponent down on the mat?
Go for the god*mned jugular.
For all the good he did, "Sir" Alex Smith doesn't have that killer mentality. Even the one time he appeared to be energized and fired up and ready to seize the leadership reigns by the teeth, while firing pistols out of both hands ... it was while leading the biggest comeback in franchise history. He wasn't trying to bury an opponent; he was trying to outlive an opponent.
And as for the flotsam, jetsum, and abject garbage that preceded "Sir" Alex, I mean, are you kidding me? Brady Quinn never said those words. Tyler Palko is incapable of saying those words. Tyler Thigpen probably said them, but given he never won a game, they were kind of hollow.
Damon Huard didn't say those words. "Brokie" Croyle sure as hell never did. Perhaps Trent Green did, but again, a hollow threat; the "32 Defense" couldn't stop a peanut shell from scoring. Elvis Grbac never said them.
Steve Bono saying those five words? Hang on, I need to close the office door so that my reports don't hear me laughing out loud for fifteen straight minutes.
(Or figure out I'm not exactly "working" right now.)
This, quite simply, is what the Red and Gold has been missing for thirty plus years. Not just a home-grown franchise quarterback ... but a home-grown franchise quarterback who embraces the role. Not just tolerates it -- owns it.
And not just owns it -- he flaunts the target on his back as a source of pride.
Our own superhero, so to speak.
--------------------
If last Sunday was "earning the cape", so to speak, then this Sunday, it's time to fly.
It's time to soar to heights this team could only dream about, for most of my life.
It's time to do something that this team hasn't done since December 21, 1986.
This week's Upset O' The Week?
Are my five inspirational words, that almost always pay off with a win for the Red and Gold.
This week's Upset O' The Week?
(stevo sighing in disgust) Take a mother f*cking guess.
* Chiefs (+4) 34, at Steelers 14. I don't think this game is going to be close. I think the Steelers are going to be worse than even I imagined they would be this year, and considering I picked them to go 8-8 and miss the playoffs, that's saying something.
As always, until next time, (sgt. esterhaus voice) Hey! Let's be careful out there ...
No comments:
Post a Comment