“She likes whiskey with her water.
She starts dancing when the stars come out.
She ain’t your typical preacher’s daughter –
She’ll leave you dreaming, yeah there ain’t no doubt.
There’s a little bit of devil in her angel eyes!
She’s a little bit of heaven with a wild side!
She’s got a rebel heart a country mile wide!
There’s a little bit of devil in her angel eyes!
There’s a little bit of devil in her angel eyes! …”
-- “Angel Eyes” by Love and Theft. This song is effing amazing folks. Effing amazing. (vice president biden voice) Folks! He is praising this song! A three letter word – song!**
(**: for once ? Mr. Biden and I see completely, one hundred percent eye to eye ...)
So, I was cleaning out my email inbox today, and saw I had a couple draft emails that I never finished, or sent. Curious (because that’s not like me), I figured I’d take a look and see what they were.
When I saw the first one, I nearly spit out my fourth Gold Peak iced tea of the day (hey, it’s 94 degrees in KC today. Since they won’t let me have a vodka tonic at my desk, I settle for the next best thing).
Just to prove this was a draft, and more specifically, the date I composed it, I grabbed a Snag-It of the opening of the email. (I blacked out any identifiers to persons or companies, in full compliance with “company Stevo works for”’s social media posting policy. You’re welcome guys; glad to help.)
Here is the shot – notice the date that I can’t make up.
(photo credit: me, via the Snag-It utility.)
Now read the opening.
(peter griffin seeing ernie the giant fighting chicken voice) Holy Crap!
We certainly saw something REALLY special that weekend, and not in a good way, and not from Cam Newton and the Panthers.
I figured I’d post the entire draft of the post, because the stats below? Are just mind-bogglingly epically awful. The 2012 Chiefs might have been the worst team in NFL history. I’m not joking. I know the 2008 Lions went 0-16, but my God, read the stats.
Sorry for the lack of predictions lately, but this season is so awful, I have no desire to do them.
We all know there's lies, damned lies, and statistics. So your motivational speech for this week's impending debacle: nothing but unreal statistics, courtesy nfl.com, the good folks at Arrowhead Pride, the "crack research staff" at that reputable website Wikipedia, and the brave souls at Save Our Chiefs. I'd suggest sitting down and/or having a very, very, VERY stiff cocktail on hand when reading the facts.
Hope to see y'all on Sunday. If anyone needs a ticket, let me know, I have a freebie you can have. Not sure what the tailgating menu is going to consist of, but anyone is welcome to join us. For gambling purposes, I am setting the "How Many Drinks In Will Stevo Be When Gregg Arrives" at ... let's see here, carry the one, factor in the ten minute walk ... I'll set it at 8.5. That sounds about right.
As for the game itself, I have a feeling that in a season of unprecedented failure, that in the words of arguably the most influential man of the 20th century, the greatness that is Mr. Hugh M. Hefner, "we're going to see something REALLY special!!!" Sunday from Cam Newton and his fired up Carolina Panthers. Panthers (-3) 55, at Chiefs 2.
And the over/under on me "resting my eyes from the sunlight" again is 10:32 remaining in pregame warmups ...
* the Chiefs, as of this moment, are the only team in the NFL officially eliminated from postseason consideration. Yes folks, the team Sports Illustrated and ESPN picked to win the AFC West, is officially out of playoffs faster than any other team in the sport.
* the Chiefs are the only team in the NFL to fail so far to win a game at home. Only one other team (Jacksonville) has failed to win two home games.
* if the Chiefs lose on Sunday to the 3-8 Carolina Panthers (and they will), then for the second time in four years, they will be swept at home on a three game homestand late in the season. But wait -- it gets worse:
* if the Chiefs lose on Sunday to the 3-8 Carolina Panthers, at a bare minimum, 370 calendar days will pass between Chiefs home victories, as their next home game is December 23rd. Let that sink in, Chiefs fans -- we may literally go an ENTIRE FREAKING YEAR between seeing our team win at home, at what used to be the most feared stadium to play in, in the league. The previous longest stretch between home wins, incidentally, is 352 days, from the Bengals game in 2007, to the broncos game in 2008.
* if the Chiefs lose on Sunday to the Panthers, they will fall to 3-15 in their last 18 home games that count. 3. and. 15. To put this into perspective, the 2007-2008 Chiefs that went 6-26? Went 4-12 at home in games that count.
* the Chiefs were swept at home by their divisional rivals. To the best of my crack research, this has never happened before in franchise history. In franchise history!
* the Chiefs are an ungodly -21 in turnover ratio, the worst in the league. The only other two teams in negative double digits are your team, your town, YOUR Tony Bruno's Philadelphia Eagles (-17) ... and amazingly enough, the Indianapolis Colts, who somehow are 7-4 despite a -14 ratio. For the record, the, uuh, record for worst turnover ratio is -30, held by the 1948 Chicago Rockets (who?).
* the Chiefs are the worst scoring offense in the league, posting only 161 points to date. We have scored 13 TDs to date ... in 11 games. And that's being kind -- the defense has contributed one of those touchdowns to the scoring total.
* the Chiefs have not scored a touchdown, at home, when the game was within 17 points in either direction, since week 4 against the Chargers. And that touchdown occurred when the Chargers led by 17.
* the Chiefs have not scored a touchdown, at home, of any kind, since 2:26 remained in the game on October 28th. Today is November 27th.
* the Chiefs have scored one touchdown, at home, of any kind, in its last four home games -- the garbage time touchdown by McCluster against oakland, when the Chiefs trailed by 18.
* the Chiefs have failed to score a touchdown in two straight home games, and three of their last four.
* if you remove the Atlanta game (season opener), the Chiefs have managed to score exactly four touchdowns at home this season, none since the re-election of President Obama.
* half of the Chiefs touchdowns, occurred in weeks 1-3. Week 13 is currently underway.
* as Gregg noted -- Ryan Succup 81 points, the entire rest of the roster, 80. And yet, Succup is the one who has "competition" being signed to, uuh, compete with him for his job, while the Brady Quinn / Matt Cassel craptacular tour continues unchallenged. "Right 53", my hairless never seen the light of day ass.
* as of the time I snagged this screenshot yesterday, tickets for the Panthers game can be had for as low as $4. No other team listed, has a ticket available for less than $10:
(photo credit: me, via the Snag-It utility, from espn.com.)
* and yes, that means that scintillating Jaguars at Bills rematch of the 1996 wildcard game, as well as the "no, really, friends and family -- stay home! We love you too much to put you through the pain of watching!!!" bowl being staged in oakland this weekend, are all deemed "more valuable" to the ticket buying public, than the Chiefs / Panthers game is.
* at -140 for scoring margin, this is not only the worst team in the league ... it's the worst in franchise history. Last year's -138 scoring differential was the prior worst margin. And we still have five games to go to "improve" on that statistic. For the record, the NFL record for worst point differential in a full season is by our former AFC West Divisional rival Tampa Bay Buccaneers, at -287 the year they played in the AFC West.
* to be fair, the offense is balanced -- 6 rushing TDs, 6 passing TDs. No other team has failed to throw for fewer than 8 TDs (Miami). Amazingly enough, we rank 25th in rushing touchdowns. Yes, there are actually 7 teams that have scored less by pounding it in, than the Chiefs have.
* and no, one of those seven teams is not named Stevo (rimshot!).
* speaking of the offense, did you realize that the Chiefs haven't scored a touchdown on the opening possession of the game since 2010? The last time the offense marched down the field and put seven quick ones on the board was against the Titans, in the game that clinched the AFC West for the Chiefs. That is a stretch of 29 games (28 regular season, 1 postseason) and counting, for those scoring along at home.
* only two teams have faced more third downs while on offense, than the Chiefs have -- the Pittsburgh Steelers, and the Arizona "Super" Cardinals. The Steelers are converting 49% of their third downs, the Arizona "Super" Cardinals 28%. The Chiefs split the uprights -- we're converting at an appalling 36% clip, good for 4th worst in the sport, ahead of Arizona, St. Louis, and the offensive juggernaut that is the Jacksonville Jaguars.
* simply taking scoring into account, the New England Patriots would beat us by 21.4 points on a neutral field in Wichita. They average 37.0 a game. We average 14.6.
* Our defense is yielding an ungodly 27.4 points / game. To put this into perspective, the "32 Defense" of 2002, which to this day remains, statistically speaking, the worst defense over a full season in the history of the league? Those guys?
Only yielded 24.5 points / game. I know, I know -- "our offense is so terrible, the defense is always on the field!", right? Well, you'd be wrong:
* the Chiefs rank 7th in time of possession. How? How in the bloodiest of bloody hells are we 7th in ToP? Our offense actually spends nearly 4 minutes more per game on the field, than our defense does! Are you kidding me?
* only five teams have gone for it on 4th down less than the Chiefs: the Patriots, broncos, Texans, Packers, and 49ers, all of whom are highly likely to reach the postseason, all of which are still alive for a division championship in their respective divisions.
* the only team to rush for more yards than the Chiefs, is the Minnesota Vikings, by 17 measly yards. No other NFL team other than KC or Minnesota, has topped 1,600 yards in rushing this year. Wait, this is a good stat. I think.
* unfortunately, only three teams have thrown for fewer yards than the Chiefs -- the aforementioned Vikings (who are 6-5), the Seattle Seahawks (ditto), and the Chicago Bears (who lead football's toughest division). Fewer than 150 yards separate the 29th ranked Chiefs from the dead last ranked Bears.
That is where the picks post ended in the draft form. After reading those stats?
I totally understand why ...