Saturday, June 22, 2013

big brother 15 power poll 1.0

"She's got a way about her.
Don't know what it is,
But I know that I can't live without her.

She's got a way of pleasin'.
Don't know why it is,
But there doesn't have to be a reason anyway.

She's got a smile that heals me!
Don't know why it is,
But I have to laugh when she reveals me.

She's got a way of talkin'.
Don't know why it is,
But it lifts me up when we are walking anywhere.

She comes to me when I'm feeling down;
Inspires me.  Without a sound, she touches me,
And I get turned around ...

She's got a way of showing
How I make her feel,
And I find the strength to keep on going.

She's got a light around her!
And everywhere she goes,
A million dreams of love surround her everywhere ..."

-- "She's Got a Way" by Billy Joel.

--------------------

My God, are we really just four days away from The Chenbot coming back into our lives thrice a week?  Hot damn!

I cop to watching exactly two -- and only two -- reality shows on a regular basis.  Horrific judging and season(s) be damned, I'll never give up on "American Idol".  And horrific casting, idiotic challenges, slop, have-nots, and "wait, Julie Chen hosts this show?  Isn't she like, married, to the president of CBS?  So she basically slept her way into this gig?" be damned?

I will never give up on "Big Brother".

(I should also note, if it wasn't for the fact that it airs on my bowling night, I'd still be into "Survivor", and I take "The Amazing Race" season by season.  But "Idol" and "Brother"?  I won't miss if I can avoid it.)

This year's craptacular fifteenth edition kicks off a week from yesterday, on June 26.  (Oh yeah -- ONLY ... (on) CBS.  And 24/7 camera feeds.  And Showtime After Dark TV Guide Channel After Dark.  And an occasional slip-up, and live feed from Morty's blog.  And while I'm at it, it's good to have Morty in our lives again.  I miss the nine months a year that guy goes away.  To say nothing of the good folks over at Hamsterwatch.)  Sadly, for the fifteenth straight year, the cast of houseguests will not include yours truly, and once again, I am outraged.  I defy you, my fellow readers, I DEFY you, to find a single person you have ever met, who does the following three things better than anyone:

* float in a pool all day;
* drink ridiculous amounts of alcohol; and
* thinks wearing a t-shirt when its 80 degrees outside is insane.

I know, right?  That's so totally me from May to September!  October if I'm lucky!  November if I still lived in the lovely confines of Lake Arlington!

However, we now do know the houseguests who will be (dis)gracing our television sets from next week until mid-September.  CBS's official "Big Brother" site has video breakdowns of each contestant; Morty's site has the relevant facts and figures; Hamsterwatch exposes the lies that these contestants "professions" are.  Between the three, let's look at these fine folks, check out their answers to the obligatory "Big Brother" questionaire, and knock out our first Big Brother Power Poll of the season, based totally upon one ninety some odd second video of each contestant.

(julie chen voice) BUT FIRST!  I'll answer any and/or all questions these contestants were asked.  Because (a) it's my site, and I'll do what I want to, and (b) CBS deserves to know what it once again tragically passed on.

* Name: Stevo.
* Age: (gulp) 36.
* Hometown: born Kansas City, MO; grew up Lenexa, KS.
* Living: Kansas City, MO.
* Occupation: Pooling and Captive Specialist.  (Don't ask; I can't explain my title either.)
* Marital Status: single.
* Three Adjectives That Describe You: laid-back; tolerant / accommodating; loyal (most of the time).
* Favorite Activities: tailgating a Royals game; living a Chiefs game; floating in the pool; attending any decent form of a motorsports event.
* What Do You Think Will Be the Toughest Part (About Living in the Big Brother House): the loss of connection to friends and family, as I plan to be the last person standing.
* What Will Be Your Strategy to Win "Big Brother": take the route my favorite contestants did: be the lovable, nice guy that nobody actually wants to screw over ... and then gets screwed over right before the final vote, because everyone else has schemed, lied, and screwed over everyone so much, they all hate each other, and have to have someone as despicable as them up against them, in order to win the final vote.  (Pause).  Wait a minute -- that's not a good strategory ...
* Which Past "Big Brother" Cast Member Did You Like Most (and Least): most, Memphis (season ten).  Also loved Renny (season ten) and Jason (season three).  Least, Chima (season eleven); also hated Natalie (season nine) and Nakomis (two seasons).
* What Are You Afraid Of: flying, earthquakes, and snakes.  In that order.
* What Is The Accomplishment You Are Most Proud Of: I may not have a ton of friends, but the ones I do have, make life worth living.  Also, I graduated college in 3 1/2 years, and I did not finish as low male bowler in my work league last year.  (Albeit barely ... in both cases.)
* Finish This Sentence -- My Life's Motto Is ...: "I Don't Wanna Be Anything Other Than Me" -- Gavin DeGraw.
* What Would You Take Into the House (And Why): if I said "liquor, condoms, and my pillow", is that acceptable?  (Pause).  Oh.  Really?  You provide the first two pretty much at will, when asked for?  (Pause).  Then my pillow.
* What Would You Do If "Big Brother" Made You Famous: (my buddy pickell voice) Put it this way -- I'd milk my fifteen minutes so much, Rupert from "Survivor" will be going on talk shows, to express how embarrassed he is, that he is no longer the king of "your fifteen minutes ended fifteen years ago" cluelessness, when it comes to being famous.

And with that formality out of the way, let's meet our houseguests!  Introduced in alphabetical order:

* Aaryn Gries.  22, female, college student, from Texas.

Initial impression: smoking hot.  I mean, smoking hot.  I mean, "Steve Hirsch is definitely offering this girl a Vivid multi-porn contract when she's evicted!" hot.  And the Texas thing, oh Lord have mercy, that's a turn on.  Having said that, her answers are disappointing at best.  She comes off as self-centered, someone who is using "Big Brother" to "further her career" and "fast track her dreams", and quite frankly, she seems like the kind of girl that is, uuh, gee, how to put this delicately ... clingy.  The kind of girl who doesn't realize a one night stand, doesn't last multiple nights, if you get my drift.

Bottom line: leading candidate for the "token hot blonde who goes out by week two" slot.

* Amanda Zuckerman, 28, real estate agent, from Long Island (now resides in south Florida).

Initial impression: attractive.  You have to like a girl who describes herself as "confident, sexy, and fun!"  I mean, I'm right about that.  I'm wrong about a lot in life, but anytime you can spend time with a chica who describes herself as "confident, sexy, and fun!", you HAVE to do it.  Even if they wind up a little clingy.  Love her strategory (keep your friends close, and your enemies closer).  And she's a realist -- she'd milk her fifteen minutes just like I would.

Bottom line: we have a solid contender for your opening number one houseguest in the power pol

* Andy Herren, 26, professor, from Chicagoland.

Initial impression: there is not a chance in hell this guy is a professor.  Having said that, you have to admire a guy who hates Tyler Perry movies, is scared of heights, AND has an entire wall in a women's bathroom devoted to him.  (No, really -- he said that.)  Having said that, "The Voice of Reason" and I are torn -- I think this is your "token gay guy"; "TVOR" thinks it's Nick.

Bottom line: strong contender to piss everyone off on the first night, and get deep-sixed in the first eviction.

* Candice Stewart, 29, pediatric speech therapist, from New Orleans (now resides in Houston).

Initial impression: she'd use any fame she gains as "a megaphone for my causes".  Enough said.

Bottom line: no question folks -- (allard baird voice) no question! -- she's the "token angry black chick".

* David Girton, 25, lifeguard, from San Diego.

Initial impression: yup, he's a lifeguard.  I like people who describe themselves as "goofy and sarcastic".  Hey -- that's me!  And his strategory is downright brilliant: "be myself and let my personality show through, then trust my good looks take me to the end".  Hell yes!

Bottom line: I have a feeling I'll be rooting for this dude.

* Elissa Slater, 27, nutritionist, from Kannapolis, North Carolina.

Initial impression: well, no matter how "famous" she gets from this show, she'll never rank better than third on the "most famous residents of Kannapolis, North Carolina" charts.  She's also the first houseguest we've met who is not single.  She seems to have a positive, outgoing, friendly attitude.  Let's see, who is her favorite former houseguest ... wait, what?  "Rachel Reilly rocks!!! ... but I'm biased ..."  What the hell do you mean, you're "biased".  You're not ... oh God.  Oh God.  OH GOD NO!!!!!

Yes, she's Rachel's sister.

Bottom line: I have a feeling I'm gonna need a healthy dose of (peter griffin voice) Mister Conway Twitty, to distract me while she's on my television screen.

* GinaMarie Zimmerman, 32, pageant coordinator, from Brooklyn.

Initial impression: hey, another smoking hot blonde chick!  In the words of Luke Bryan: "rain makes corn, corn makes whiskey.  Whiskey makes my baby, feel a little frisky!"  No, wait, I meant the last line of that song: "(this) is a good thing!"  She describes herself as "crazy, sexy, and cool".  Suh-weet!  She would "sh*t my pants" if she ever saw an alien.  Meh.  Me?  I'd run like holy hell, but I don't think I'd soil myself.

Bottom line: your frontrunner for the "token tramp who hooks up with the hottest guy in the house within the first 48 hours", a role sadly noone has played since Kristin and Hayden were hooking up within minutes of meeting each other three seasons ago.

* Helen Kim, 37, political consultant, resides in Chicago.

Initial impression: a "political consultant from Chicago".  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  Oh come on, I hadn't even thought that yet!  (Pause).  Well of course she's a sleazy corrupt woman!  She's a political consultant from Chicago!  The only question is which sleazy machine is she a consultant for -- Obama, Rahm, or the Daley's?  Good grief.  I might need to get Boomer's sister on the phone, to figure this out.

Bottom line: I strongly dislike this woman, at first glance.

* Howard Overby, 29, youth counselor, from Mississippi.

Initial impression: I swear to God -- and "The Voice of Reason" can confirm this -- my exact response upon seeing this guy's mug shot was "Good God, that's Ron Artest!"  Or "Metta World Peace".  Or whatever name he's going by nowadays.  This dude is a dead ringer for him.  His life's motto is to "conduct himself in a manner that is worthy of "Christ" ...", and "Christ" appears in quotes.  Not sure what to think about that.

Bottom line: if he's a Dwight Howard-style Christian (aka "screws anything that walks, but doesn't do much else the Church would frown on), this could be fun.

* Jeremy Maguire, 23, boat shop associate, from Texas.

Initial impression: good, another Texan.  You can never have enough Texans.  He's also a mama's boy: the only reason he's here is because his mom urged him to try out.  Can't really glean much else from his bio -- his answers were all short and to the point.  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  Well of course that makes him the opposite of me!

Bottom line: a solid middle-of-the-pack floater who could wind up floating farther than expected.

* Jessie Kowalski, 25, unemployed, resides in San Antonio.

Initial impression: she had to have hated last night, as much as I did.  She describes herself as "sexy, driven, and smart".  By my count, that's not one, not two, but three -- three! -- houseguests who refer to themselves as "sexy".  That's a good thing.  She graduated from UT-Austin.  That's not a bad thing.

Bottom line: could be this year's Britney, who charms and smart-asses her way quite a ways.

* Judd Daugherty, 26, property appraiser, from Tennessee.

Initial impression: this dude's answers ramble on so aimlessly and pointlessly, you'd swear I wrote them.

Bottom line: first one to go.  Oh, and definitely the "token country bumpkin everyone makes fun of".

* Kaitlin Barnaby, 23, bartender, from Minneapolis.

Initial impression: I have no clue what to think about her.  For a bartender, she actually sounds focused, driven, motivated.  So the exact opposite of my favorite "Big Brother" contestant, "mixologist" Memphis.  She's not bad looking, but she doesn't strike me as someone you'd make the first move on either.  Quite frankly?  She comes across as a b*tch.

Bottom line: either she'll p*ss everyone off early and get the boot ... or she'll p*ss everyone off early, and they'll keep her around as insurance.  I lean the latter, for what it's worth.

* McCrae Olson, 23, pizza delivery boy, from Minnesota.

Initial impression: far be it from me, to focus on some dude's looks, because let's face it -- my appearance is impossible to top.  I'm simply put THE hottest guy walking the planet.  But this dude is eight shades of ugly.  In the words of the late, great Randall Carlyle Wakefield: he's a two bagger.

Bottom line: there is no way this guy won't be going through withdrawal pains by day two, because he doesn't have his baggie or dugout with him to enjoy.

* Nick Uhas, 28, entrepreneur, from New York City.

Initial impression: on second thought, "The Voice of Reason" is right.

Bottom line: definitely your "token flaming gay dude".  The good news is, those guys are always the comic relief.

* Spencer Clawson, 31, railroad conductor, from Conway, Arkansas.

Initial impression: he'll never rise above number two on the "Most Famous People from Conway, Arkansas" rankings.  He describes himself as laid back, easy to get along with, and his least favorite "Big Brother" houseguest of all time is Chima.  Hey, mine too!

Bottom line: definitely a Final Three contender, based on strength alone.  Plus, you can't really tell anything from his answers.  He keeps his cards close to the vest.  That's a good thing in this game.

So ... let's rank these folks.  As always, these are a combination of two things:

a. how I feel about them as houseguests, and
b. how good of a week they've had.

Here we go ... Your ... Big Brother 15 Power Poll 1.0!

(Key: Ranking.  Contestant.  (Previous Rankings).  Reason(s) for current ranking).

16. Elissa (NR).  She has a huge, huge obstacle to overcome to rise in these rankings: she's Rachel's sister.  I mean, she's got a bigger hill to climb to get back in my good graces, than ... I'll stop there.

15. Helen (NR).  I'm dead serious -- I want to know what sleazy Democrat machine she's a consultant for.  If it's the Daley's?  She'll rise rapidly -- the Daley's are in my wing of the party.  If it's Rahm?  She'll float -- Rahm embraces both wings.  If it's Obama?  Just to be safe from any potential (illegal) IRS targeting, any potential (sadly, legal) NSA wire-tapping and/or hacking ... I'll just say she'll stay 15th at best, if she's a consultant for our President's sleazy political machine.

14. McCrae (NR).  The first huge wildcard in these initial rankings.  He could rise as high as 1st, depending on his debut this upcoming week ... or stick around at 14.  All depends on how funny the dude is, because come on folks -- this guy knows how to handle a dugout and/or a roach.

13. Kaitlin (NR).  Strikes me as a b*tch.  Could be a good thing.

12. Spencer (NR).  The other huge wildcard in these initial rankings.  When not even Hamsterwatch can dig up a single thing on you, then you truly are an unknown commodity.  And I am looking forward to knowing said commodity -- as someone whose "crazy uncle" worked for Union Pacific for thirty plus years, I know railroad folks are hysterical dudes.

11. GinaMarie (NR).  Seems like a total fake floozy to me.  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  Oh come on -- there's no way those are real!  No blanking way!  Should I haul in Stevo's Site Numero Dos fake boob expert ... uuh, well, we don't have one.  But if we did, should I haul said fake boob expert in to confirm it?

10. Judd (NR).  My guess is, he sinks to 16 as the first evicted houseguest, in Power Poll 2.0.  But we'll see.

9. Andy (NR).  No clue what to make of him, or ...

8. Nick (NR).  But one of the two is your "token flaming gay dude", and will rapidly rise in the Power Poll rankings due to the hilarity of themselves.

7. Howard (NR).  I still think he's Ron Artest.  I'll be looking for the signature tats to confirm my theory.

6. Candice (NR).  Whoa!  The "token angry black chick" debuts at 6?!?!?!  Either this is one helluva cast ... or this is one helluva cast!  Usually "token angry black chick" never tops 10 in these rankings!

(Plus, I should also note, I spent a solid 15, 20 minutes (and "The Voice of Reason" can confirm this), trying to figure out who this chick was, I was so convinced I'd seen her before.  Finally, it dawned on me -- MTV VJ!  Oy.  No, that was Alison Stewart, not Candice.  The lesson?  As always, when I'm wrong?  I'm epically wrong.)

5. Jeremy (NR).  Should I do it now, or hold out a couple Power Polls?  (Pause).  I concur.  "Jeremy spoke in ... class ... today ... Jeremy spoke in ... class ... TODAY!"  I should probably note -- I was a freshman in high school, when "Ten" was released.  Sweet.  Merciful.  Jesus.

4. Jessie (NR).  Probably overly optimistic ... but I'm optimistic.

3. Amanda (NR).  Still probably overly optimistic ... but I'm optimistic.

2. Aaryn (NR).  NOT overly optimistic -- reality.  Jesus blanking Christ, she is SMOKING hot.

1. David (NR).  Memphis 2.0?

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