Jesus Christ: "OK, cool. Hey, can you get me a Cracked Magazine?"
Peter Griffin: "Cracked? Jesus Christ! Unbelievable!"
--------------------
And welcome back to the third installment in this summer's (least) riveting, (not even remotely) entertaining, (anything but) gripping look back into the twenty seven (plus one!) episodes of television history that I enjoy the most.
If you're devoutly religious? If mocking religion offends you? If you think Dave Coulier is the greatest comedian in the history of comedy?
You might wanna skip this one.
Because today's installment? Well, it isn't quite season three of "Full House" being released on DVD.
It's bigger.
--------------------
In case you've forgotten, here are the Twenty Seven (Plus One) Episodes I'll be live-recapping, as they unfold, as the summer, uuh, unfolds:
1. "Hearts and Souls", NYPD Blue.
2. "The Man Behind the Curtain", Lost.
3. "Mud Bowl", Friday Night Lights.
4. "Heartland", NCIS.
5. "The Thrilla Near the Vanilla Extract", Roseanne.
6. "Chuckles Bites the Dust", The Mary Tyler Moore Show.
7. "Cries of Silence", Hunter.
8. "Raging Bulls", NYPD Blue.
9. "The Son", Friday Night Lights.
10. "The Shape of Things to Come", Lost.
11. "A Matter of Mothers", Good Times.
12. "Happily Ever After", Lost.
13. "Leslie and Ben", Parks and Recreation.
14. "2162 Votes", The West Wing.
15. "I Dream of Jesus", Family Guy.
16. "JR's Masterpiece", Dallas (reboot).
17a. "College", The Sopranos.
17b. "Made In America", The Sopranos.
18. "What a Day For a Daydream", Roseanne.
19. "Forever Blue", Cold Case.
20. "The Merv Griffin Show", Seinfeld.
21. "Pilot", Smash.
22. "The Rainy Day Women", The OC
23. "Two Cathedrals", The West Wing.
24. "The Wind That Blew My Heart Away", One Tree Hill.
25. "Cabin Fever", Swingtown.
26. "The Accident", The Wonder Years.
27. "Baby Blues", Cold Case.
--------------------
"I Dream of Jesus", Family Guy.
Season Seven, Episode Two.
First Aired: Sunday, October 5, 2008.
Director: Mike Kim.
Writer(s): Brian Scully.
Run Time: 22 minutes (approximate).
Availability:
Netflix? Yes.
Hulu? Yes.
Youtube? No.
Plot Summary: Peter finds Jesus Christ working at a record shop, and convinced Him to make his Second Coming.
Why I Love This Episode So Much: Because literally, from the opening scene, you will not stop laughing. There is not a group of people who will not find at least one scene in this episode offensive -- religious folks, black folks, white folks, cows, Dave Coulier fans, Jay Leno fans, and oh yeah -- that thing that IS, "The Word". And no, I ain't talking about the Bible ...
For the purposes of this rewatch, I am watching it on iTunes, as you're damned skippy I own this episode.
(late 1980s nbc announcer voice) And now, "I Dream of Jesus", from season seven of "Family Guy" ...
--------------------
0:01: you will never convince me that one of, if not the, key to "Family Guy"'s success, isn't the fact that it's one of the very few shows anymore with a legitimate opening theme song.
0:16: "Luckily there's a Family Guy!" Well luck ... and those of us who jacked the ratings on Adult Swim so far and high through the proverbial roof, that FOX renewed a show it cancelled two years earlier. You're welcome.
0:31: we open at the "Nifty Fifties Diner".
0:34: the jukebox makes its first appearance. Do NOT sleep on this plot development:
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
0:40: "You know kids, there's a lot of history here. These '50s diners were really popular in the '80s."
0:45: "Boy am I gonna enjoy this meal! Not like last night, when I didn't have time to poop before the guests arrived."
He most assuredly did NOT have time to poop, before the guests arrived.
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
1:01: "Look at this place! They don't serve any of this 1950s food anymore! Hamburgers, french fries, cokes! Ha ha ha ha! You kids don't know what I'm talking about!"
1:19: "Look! There's James Dean after the accident!"
Yeah, definitely NOT the James Deen that had "the accident" in that "Teen Mom"'s "backdoor".
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
1:24: I'm sorry, this is THE funniest moment of the episode:
Lois: "Oh look! Cleveland finally made it!"
Cleveland: "Oh hey there, Griffins!"
Diner security:
Cleveland: "oh! This takes me back!"
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
1:42: "Oh yeah Chris! Polio back then was like AIDS today! Except people who have polio get into heaven!"
1:47: it begins.
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
1:48: "The bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word ..."
1:55: "Oh! My! God! This is "Surfin' Bird" by the Trashmen! This is my favorite song of all time!"
2:00: somebody's happy:
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
2:17: "Hey -- guy behind the counter? The bird is the word!"
2:19: "Hey -- frightened little child? The bird is the word!"
2:22: "Lady on the toilet? The bird is the word!"
2:24: (to lady on the toilet) "Well don't know you about the word?"
2:25 (lady on the toilet) "Sure! Everybody knows that the bird is the word!"
2:32: "Again! Again! I love repetition!"
2:36: the fun's over:
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
2:38: "This song's from the 1960s."
2:42: "Well can I have that record? I love that song! I'll let you have sex with my daughter."
2:46: "I don't know. Let's see what your daughter looks like."
2:48: "She's right over ... there."
2:53: "OK, I'll do her. But can you tell her to cry, and beg me to stop?"
2:56: "I think that can be arranged ..."
3:04: the song is still playing.
3:06: Lois is not happy.
3:15: "Lois? I'm going to ask you this only once. Do you, or do you not, know about the bird? Because EVERYBODY'S HEARD THAT THE BIRD IS THE WORD!"
3:31: "Look, just go to sleep, alright?"
3:40: "the b ... b ... bird bird bird, the bird is the word!"
3:50: "Peter? I have a mammogram in the morning." Talk about a cockblock!
3:57: "Brian, can I see that paper?"
4:01: Peter: "huh. That's odd. I thought that would be big news."
4:04: Brian: "you thought what would be big news?"
4:07: Peter: "Well, there seems to be an absence of a certain ... ornothological piece. A headline regarding a mass awareness of a certain ... avian variety."
4:15: Brian: "What are you talking about?"
4:16: Peter: "Oh haven't you heard? It was my understanding that everyone had heard."
4:18: Brian: "what?"
4:19: Stewie: "Brian, DON'T!!!!!!!"
4:41: mmm bop a mmm maw maw, mmm maw a maw ...
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
4:51: "Oh my God! Peter! Are you ok?"
(brian griffin voice) what the hell?!?!?!
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
4:53: bahp bahp a ooh moo maw maw, pahp bahp a ooh ooh maw maw! Yup, he's good.
5:05: Stewie, on the other hand:
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
5:08: so allow me to rant here for a moment. The beauty of "Family Guy", amongst many things beautiful about it, is that it never -- and I mean never -- fails to take a joke, and run it so hard into the ground, that you can't stop finding it to be funny. I mean, scroll back up to the beginning, to what the Wikipedia-plagarized plot summary says about this episode. We're nearly a quarter of the way through, and not ONE THING from the plot summary, has occurred yet! It's been a five minute tribute to "Surfin' Bird"! And there's still at least half the episode left, devoted to "Surfin' Bird"! Beginning with:
5:09: "Peter! I was just at the bank, and they told me you withdrew $6,000 cash from our savings! That's almost everything that we have! What the hell was it for?"
5:16: "I bought some local TV air time, Lois, and I did a public service announcement of vital importance."
Said PSA?
5:24: "Hi, I'm Peter Griffin. You know, there's an issue facing many Americans today that I know concerns a great number of us. According to Gallup Polls, one in twelve Americans is unaware that the bird is the word. I for one, dream of an America where everyone knows that the bird is the word."
5:40: "buh buh buh bird bird bird, the bird is the word!"
5:43: "My God! Is it possible? Have the boys in the lab confirm this!"
Mayor West, everyone -- looking out for our vital interests:
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
5:50: "Sir! Our math shows the bird is equal to -- or greater than! -- the word!"
5:53: "Check it again!"
Allow me a minor rant here -- this scene is just so comedically funny, I need to rewind it a couple times before proceeding onward.
Also note -- we're now six minutes into a twenty two minute episode, and we have yet to have one glimpse, let alone plot development, that matches the plot summary. And yet, is anyone complaining? (Nope.) Is anyone upset? (Nope.) Have Quahog's finest minds confirmed that the bird is equal to, or greater than, the word? (Yup.)
Bap bap a bap a ooh moo maw maw, ooh moo maw maw ...
5:57: Brian and Stewie, on the couch, hearing "Surfin' Bird" yet again. Not good times in the land formerly known as Petoria.
6:06: Brian has had enough!
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
6:08: "we have got to get that record, and destroy it! Just like that fat person's surgery destroyed Star Jones' arms!"
6:25: the plan gets underway. If you thought this was plagarized from the first "Mission: Impossible" movie, congratulations, you're a winner!
6:35: sorry, but you have to laugh at Peter's snoring. "ZZZZZZZZZ -- bird, bird, bird, bird, bird, bird .... ZZZZZZZZZ -- bird, bird, bird, bird, bird, bird ...."
6:47: our long national nightmare is almost over! Or is it?
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
6:52: a blood-curling scream! I think Peter knows his record is gone!
6:55: "WHO! DID! THIS!!!!!"
6:56: "Who did what, Pop?"
6:58: "Yes, Peter -- what has you upset?"
7:01: "Surfin' Bird ... IS GONE!"
7:04: "I took it to bed, had sex with it, it fell asleep in my arms, and this morning? IT'S GONE!" Well, I'd like to say that is how I spent last night ... but nope -- I fell asleep above the legal limit, yet surprisingly coherent, with my brother's dog passing gas next to me half the night. Adventures In Dogsitting 101!
7:09: "Oh, noone here had a motive?" Cue a horrific late 1970s style accusation, that ends with Chris "shooting" Peter with a water gun. Let's pretend this scene never happened.
7:38: "Well it sure is odd. A record doesn't just get up and walk away ..."
7:56: "Well the hell with all of you! I'm going downtown to buy another copy of "Surfin' Bird"!"
8:00: "Peter, that's not necessary! I'm sure it will turn up somewhere!"
8:03: "I wouldn't count on it Lois."
8:05: if you said "wow, they plagarized this scene right out of "Office Space"," congratulations, you're a winner! It's also hysterical
9:06: literally a minute later:
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
9:10: Good Guys 1, "Surfin' Bird" 0:
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
9:14: wait -- is the plot summary of this episode about to finally sprout?
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
9:16: "Do you have "Surfin' Bird" by the Trashmen?"
9"19: "No, I'm sorry. A dog and a baby came in, and bought all 63 copies."
9:21: "Dammit! That is the third used record store with that same story!"
9:26: "You ... uuh ... you look familiar. Do I know you? Did you go to, uuh ... North Providence High School?"
9:32: "No."
9:33: "You, uuh, friends, with, uuh, Gary, who owns the dry cleaners?"
9:36: "No."
9:37: "Are you Jesus Christ?"
You be the judge:
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
9:41: "No I'm not! I'm just a guy working in a record store!"
9:46: "Well if you're not, then you won't mind if I pee on these Amy Grant cd's"
9:49: "Please! NO!"
9:56: "Oh my God! Jesus Christ! The Messiah! You've returned! You've returned to bring us the good word!"
10:00: "What word?"
10:01: "well the bird, bird, bird? The bird is the word!"
10:22: "It's not the second coming!"
10:23: "OK, then what are you doing down here?"
10:34: "Plus the timing seemed good, because my dad just quit smoking ..."
10:42: "You're the first person to recognize me in two thousand years!"
10:45: Peter invites Jesus over for dinner.
10:52: "After we finish eating, we can watch that Youtube! footage, of Marlee Matlin calling Moviefone!"
Trust me -- hilarity ensues.
11:30: "I'm actually glad you're all here tonight. I want to tell you, one of you will betray me."
11:33: "Nah, I'm just kidding!"
11:35: "Aw, he's doing that thing he did in the story book!"
11:42: depending on your religious persuasion, an either (hilarious or offensive) retelling of the Crucifixion. I lean offensive ... and I'm not religious.
11:58: "Ok, ok, that's a pretty nutty weekend, but I can top it. So me, Cleveland, and Joe are just wrecked on Southern Comfort ..." Hey -- we've all been there.
12:21: "I really just want to rub (Muriel Goldman)'s Jewish nose in this!"
12:23: "OK, I'll ask. How do we really know you're Jesus?" As always, the "Voice of Reason" ... is a weed-addicted dog**:
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
(**: as always, the "Voice of Reason" is not a weed-addicted dog ... at least not on this site.)
12:31: Jesus turns that meat / potatoes / veggie dinner into chocolate fudge sundaes!
12:35: Meg: "I love you Jesus!"
12:36: Jesus: "I love you too, 'fella!"
12:37: Peter asks Jesus for his own little miracle.
12:44: "Ask? And ye shall receive!":
(Image(s) credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
12:51: "Hey Jesus? I know you're trying to keep a low profile ... but there's one person I really want you to meet."
13:02: President Bush: "I answer to a higher power. I answer ... to Jesus Christ."
13:03: Peter: "Well that's funny, because I have Jesus Christ right over here ..."
13:11: Jesus: "how you ever got to be President of anything? Is totally amazing!"
13:13: Peter: "boy, wouldn't it be great if life worked like this?" Yes. Yes it would.
13:22: "you may look like a bum, but you got a lot of talent, young man!"
13:31: Peter trying to convince Jesus to speed up the timeline of the Second Coming.
13:33: "You gotta get back out there -- coloring eggs, and hiding them for kids!"
13:41: "Absolutely! This world needs you, Jesus! It needs you like a guy who can't get it up needs a distraction!" Allow me to say, the fact that Mister Conway Twitty does not appear singing "Slow Hand" in the next part of the episode, is OUTRAGEOUS!
OUTRAGEOUS!!!!!
(Hang on ... we're going on a tangent here ...)
(and a brief pause ... come on, you KNOW you clicked on the link above ...)
0:03: "Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty!"
0:13: the shrieking of the ladies for Mister Conway Twitty. Awesome. Absolutely awesome!
(Image credit: @JJonesBNA, on Youtube!)
0:20: "I saw the look in your eye! Lookin' into the night!" Yeah? So?
0:27: "Darlin'? Don't say a word! I already heard! What your body's saying to mine!" Oh, that's good. That's so, so, so damned good!
0:40: what do you want, ladies, chicas, and peepettes who love this site? You know it! Admit it! You want ... hang on, to do this properly ... ladies, chicas, and peepettes, Mister Conway Twitty!
0:46: "You want a man with a slow hand! You want a lover with an easy touch! You want somebody who will spend some time -- not come and go in a heated rush!"
Oh, that's good. That's so, so, so damned good!
1:03: "Baby? Believe me -- I understand! When it comes to love? You want a slow hand!"
Oh sweet merciful Jesus, that is epic!
Where, exactly, pray tell, are those "slow hands"? Sure -- one's on the microphone ... but where's the other? :)
(Image credit: @JJonesBNA, on Youtube!)
If you want to take the next two minutes to finish watching Mister Conway Twitty? Please, by all means, do so. The link in case you didn't click it.
Hell, I can't resist it either:
1:49: "If you want all night? You know it's alright! I got time! ..."
Oh yeah ...
1:57: "You want a man with a slow hand! You want a lover with an easy touch!" He not just sings it -- he holds said slow hand out, to acknowledge the screaming females in the upper deck!
God above, epic. Just absolutely EPIC! I WISH I could write like that!
(Image credit: @JJonesBNA, on Youtube!)
I'm telling you -- this is THE greatest song ever recorded. For all the wrong reasons, granted -- but still. You KNOW you want a man with a "slow hand", ladies. You know you want a lover with an "easy touch". You know you crave somebody who will "spend some time", not "cum and go" in a heated rush. (Pause). What? (Pause). Well of course I intentionally misspelled come! Like I could resist that? Hang on -- Mister Vice President, care to chime in?
(vice president (for how much longer?) biden) no.
Probably the right call.
Back to the recap ...
14:01: "Everyone! May I have your attention please! I would like to introduce you to the one, the only, Jesus Christ!"
Go figure -- noone cares.
14:14: the opening quotation's scene begins.
14:29: let's just say, Peter is NOT a fan, of "Cracked" magazine:
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
14:32: whoa! The $20 is floating on water!
14:41: whoa! He's WALKING on water!:
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
14:45: "oh my God! It's Jesus!"
14:48: "and his best pal Peter!" Yeah. We'll go with that.
14:55: "The Tonight Show With Jay Leno: Providing Background Noise for Intercourse since 1992!" My bedroom begs to differ.
15:00: "Fifteen minutes, Mister Christ!" Wow, they like, totally, synched up the, uuh, story book there.
15:02: "Wow! Jesus! Can you believe you're gonna get to meet Jay Leno?" (Pause). What? (Pause). Well hell, if they haven't figured out why I love this episode like I do by this point, there's NO hope for the readership ...
15:06: "Why is it when Jesus revealed himself to the world, he became famous, but when I did, I got suspended from school for five days?" Gotta admit -- a very valid question.
15:19: "Now who are you?"
15:21: "Jesus Christ!"
15:23: "Who are you?"
15:25: "Jesus Christ!"
(15:26: my mom writing me out of the will after reading this ...)
15:28: "My thanks again to Dave Coulier! Season three of "Full House" is out on DVD ..." NEVER fails to crack me up.
No clue if he has a "slow hand". Or an "easy touch".
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
15:38: the sleazy lounge band playing "O Little Town of Bethlehem" as Jesus walks on stage, is beyond hysterical.
15:48: "eating a lot of pink berry". NEVER fails to crack me up.
16:12: if you wanna stick around, we'll be right back, with Joss Stone.
16:14: sometimes, satire is even funnier than reality ... and yes, I am FULLY aware of the satire of using this as, uuh, satire:
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
16:19: "Did you see that? He made Jay Leno laugh!" My God! He truly IS the Messiah!
16:21: "This guy is gonna be huge!"
16:25: Newspaper headline: "He Is Risen!"
16:28: Time byline: "Messiah of the Year!"
16:33: as only the New York Post can: "Jesus ... Bigger than Jesus!"
16:36: Dane Cook welcomes us to some MTV awards show.
16:52: you know what I hate? Dane Cook.
17:03: "Is he saying something funny?" No. No he's not.
17:06: "I don't know, but he's moving around a lot, so I guess (so)". No. No, he's not.
17:16: to present the next award ... Jesus Christ ... and the Pussycat Dolls. There's an obvious joke in there. I'm guessing we'll get it.
17:26: "Boy, who would have thought me, Peter Griffin, the guy who just two weeks ago drew a smiley face on his own testicle to make his son laugh ..."
17:40: "Last time I was down here? I only hung around with one whore!" THERE'S the obvious joke!
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
17:47: Dane Cook tries to steal the applause line. What an asshat. Wait, did I just say that out loud?
17:53: Christ's crew is leaving.
17:57: Peter realizes he's no longer part of Christ's crew.
17:58: Peter is pissed. Gotta admit, I'm with Peter on this one.
18:09: a gay cow has replaced Peter in the entourage. Again, I'm with Peter on this one:
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
18:22: Peter pissed that Jesus won't return his calls.
18:28: "No, no. It rang twice, then the voice mail picked up. If it had gone straight to voice mail, that means the phone was off. If it rang like six times, that means he didn't hear it. But it rang twice, Lois! That means the phone rang, he saw it was me, and then he pressed a button, and sent it straight to voice mail!" Gotta admit -- not even I can find fault with that logic. Or with Peter's next inspired "you talk to me or else!" idea:
18:42: "You know what? Give me your phone! I bet he'll pick up!"
18:45: Peter dialing Jesus, via Lois' phone.
18:47: My God, it worked!
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
18:55: "I forgot to tell you -- I have a doctor's appointment today!" Gotta admit, that's a solid excuse for not returning a call from a friend to just hang out.
18:57: "Hey look! Lindsey Lohan just took her top off!"
18:59: "Hey! I just drank a beer! Who wants to do me?"
19:02: (the realization that even FIVE YEARS AGO, Lindsey Lohan was one f*cked up individual ...)
19:03: "I do!"
19:04: "Me too!"
19:06: "I just did you ... but I'll do you again!"
19:07: "Uuh ... I gotta go."
19:22: "Maybe ... but one thing's for sure Lois. NONE of this would have happened if somebody hadn't STOLEN MY (BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!) SURFIN' BIRD RECORD!" Game, set, match, Peter Griffin!
19:27: Tom Tucker!
19:32: "Local record shop employee Jesus Christ was found in Mary Kate Olson's apartment this morning ..." Uuh, that doesn't sound good.
19:40: "Police revived and arrested the disoriented Jesus, who was quoted as saying, "Jews are responsible for all the world's wars"."
19:50: "Griffin residence, Peter speaking!"
19:52: It's Jesus.
19:54: "Oh yeah? Why should I?"
19:57: "Well get someone else to bail you out!"
20:00: "Yeah, well what are you gonna do?"
20:02: this:
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
20:04: needless to say, Peter's on his way to post bail.
20:08: "Jesus Christ! Look at you!"
20:24: "You want the truth? I think it's time for me to go. This world's not ready for me yet."
20:34: "Well that's a very mature thing to say right there!"
20:39: "Well, before I go Peter, there's something I want to give you. Hold out your hands."
20:46: And Jesus' parting gift to Peter is?
20:48: Not sure, but he likes it --
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
20:52: "Well, I guess that's it then. Jesus is gone."
20:55: "I sure am gonna miss him."
20:57: "Me too. Although he did give me something right before he disappeared."
21:01: "What?"
21:02: "Something very special, Lois."
20:04: "What is it, dad?"
21:05: "What? You haven't heard?"
21:06: CRAPPPPPP!:
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
21:08: "Well the bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word!"
21:13: your parting gift:
(Image credit: Twentieth Century Fox Productions, (c) 2008.)
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This recap, I gotta admit, didn't translate all that well. Probably because "Family Guy" has so many "blink and you miss it" moments of hilarity, it's damned near impossible to capture just how funny this episode was. But I tried.
FYI: #26 on the list is probably up next, hopefully by Tuesday. So in anticipation of that, let me state up front: if anyone -- and I mean ANYONE -- for even a brief moment of time, mocks me for openly crying throughout the last 4:40, especially once you reach the 1:57 onward mark, of this rewatch?
I will hunt you down and beat your ass ... like Stone Cold Steve Austin beating Vince McMahon in a "kiss my ass" match. And that's the bottom line! Because Stevo said so ...
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