Saturday, November 24, 2012

mixology 2012 part sies: the g*ddamned donkeys


In the words of Ryan Seacrest: “dim the lights, cut the music, here we go!”  Mixology Version Sies!

The returning Mixologists, and the reason(s) for their inclusion, up first:

* “Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood” by the Animals.  Yes, “We’ve Gotta Get Out of This Place” will make its way onto the playlist this week.  Because there’s GOT TO BE a better life, for me and you (boom boom!  Boom boom!)

* “Ticket to Ride” by the Beatles.  They’re getting a fourth addition this week, at least.

* “Hey Jude” by the Beatles.  As overrated as it is, everyone seems to like it enough to sing along.

* “Let It Be” by the Beatles.  Five words why: Greatest.  Song.  Of.  All.  Time.

* “Burn One Down” by Ben Harper.  The worst Ben Harper effort (and this isn’t it), is still better than 99.2% of everything else available on iTunes.

* “Sexual Healing”, covered by Ben Harper.  One of the rare songs where the cover is at least as good as the original.

* “No Diggity” by Blackstreet (featuring Dr. Dre).  Play on, playa.  Play on, playa.  No diggity?  No doubt!

* “The More I Drink” by Blake Shelton.  I have a feeling a LOT of drinking will be occurring tomorrow.  Especially amongst the fans wearing black. 

* “Could You Be Loved” by Bob Marley.  Never let it be said that I’m not an accommodating host.

* “One Love / People Get Ready” by Bob Marley.  Never let it be said that I’m not an accommodating host.

* “Lido Shuffle” by Boz Skaggs.  Because any song with an infectious chorus, that’s also about illegal gambling?  ALWAYS gets included in Mixology.

* “One Toke Over the Line” by Brewer and Shipley.  Yes, I watched Thursday’s debacle with my dad.  I think he needed a few tokes.  I mean, dear God – how in the hell does a professional team give up four touchdowns in 53 seconds?  How?  Especially when one of them is because the quarterback fumbles after his center’s ass dislodges the ball?  Chiefs fans, trust me – it could be worse.  (Pause.)  OK, maybe not, but – but! – it could be equally as painful!  Your 2012 New York Football Jets!!!

* “Better Days” by Bruce Springsteen.  I like it, what can I say.

* “Lucky Town” by Bruce Springsteen.  His most underrated effort off his most underrated album, and considering how much I love – I freaking LOVE! – “Tunnel of Love” from start to finish, that’s saying something. 

* “The Rising” by Bruce Springsteen.  Over my dead body, this gets excluded from any Mixology list.  Over my dead, cold body.

* “My Back Pages” by the Byrds.  Oh, but I was so much older then – I’m younger than that now!

* “Word Up” by Cameo.  I refuse to walk to Arrowhead.

* “Piano Man”, covered by Colton Dixon.  If the line read “there’s an old man sitting next to me, making love to his tonic and vodka”, instead of “tonic and gin”?  Yeah, this song would be perfect then.

* “Down on the Corner” by Creedence Clearwater Revival.  I actually have to explain why?  Come on.  Great song.

* “Up Around the Bend” by Creedence Clearwater Revival.  Again, an explanation is necessary?  Really?

* “Maneater” by Daryl Hall and John Oates.  Don’t worry, more Hall and Oates to come – I just list these things alphabetically, as they appear on my iTunes Mixology list.

* “You Never Even Called Me By My Name” by David Allan Coe.  Yes, this song played last week … and yes, we enjoyed the hell out of it.  “You don’t have to call me darling, darling.  You never even called me by my name!!!”

* “Layla”, original version by Derek and the Dominoes.  Every time I think “The Champ” cannot possibly know less about the classics, he finds a way to top himself.  I swear, I’m going to get a “what’s a domino” query out of him at some point.

* “Down With the Sickness” by Disturbed.  Can you feel that?  (bobbing head …)  Aw shit.

* “Soldier of Love” by Donny Osmond.  You can never have enough cheezy late 80s ballads.  And none were worse than this.

* “Hotel California” by the Eagles (off the live “Hell Freezes Over” cd).  If one wanted to argue that this, not “Let It Be”, is the greatest song ever recorded … I wouldn’t make an objection.  God, this thing is great. 

* “September” by Earth, Wind and Fire.  Also known as “the last time any die-hard Chiefs fan felt good: September.”

* “Lose Yourself” by Eminem.  On Wednesday night, I will face “The Champ” for the first time since his botched team swap.  Let’s just say, I’ve been practicing.  Team Slaves WILL be ready.  We WILL represent.  We WILL win.  OK, fine, we won’t – but! – we WILL give it everything we’ve got.  There’s nothing I want more than to whip Dusty’s ass eight ways from Sunday on Wednesday night.  OK, fine, that’s a lie too – there’s nothing I want more right now, than a win tomorrow afternoon by the Red and Gold, and to shove that win in the face of every donkey lover I’ll have the privilege to encounter.  But beating Dusty by 150 pins a game, and seeing him have to cope with that?  Is a damned close second on the Stevo wish list.  (Sorry dude … but Wednesday’s personal.  PERSONAL.  It’s on like goddamned Donkey Kong hitting every bong in the five county metropolitan area.)

* “Drink In My Hand” by Eric Church.  Well, duh.  I’m typing this up at 8:38 on a Saturday morning with a drink in my hand.

* “Layla”, acoustic version by Eric Clapton.  One of the few songs where the “new” version tops the original.  And the original is damned amazing.

* “Go Your Own Way” by Fleetwood Mac.  If one wanted to make an argument for this to be the greatest song of all time … I would object.  But very mildly.

* “We Are Young” by Fun. (featuring Janelle Monae).  This Janelle Monae chick has had a lot of “featuring” credits.  Who the hell is she?  What exactly does she lend to the song?  Is she hot?  Hang on, let me Google search that … oh.  Oh Sweet f*cking Jesus!  (phoebe cates voice) My eyes!  My eyes!

And dear God – I am NOT explaining who Phoebe Cates is.  I’m not THAT old.  Well … ok, fine.  Lisa Kudrow’s character on “Friends”.  If you didn’t know that, I pray you’re either (a) above the age of 50, or (b) mentally “special”.

* “Rock and Roll Part Two” by Gary Glitter.  Again, and I ask this with all sincerity and seriousness: is ANYONE surprised that a man named Gary Glitter is a convicted child molestor?  Cause I sure as hell am not.

* “Where Everybody Knows Your Name” by Gary Portnoy.  It accomplished its purpose last week.  Sometimes, détente is a good thing.  Ask “Tricky” Dick Nixon about that, I guess.

* “Dream Weaver” by Gary Wright.  I defy you to find anyone else whose Mixology list would have song by three different guys named Gary.

* “What Is Life” by George Harrison.  DJ’s off the hook, because I had last week’s George Harrison brain fart.  I couldn’t remember the name of this cd.  (The answer: “All Things Must Pass”).  God above, my mom probably just wrote me out of the will for that brain fart.  (my mom’s voice) nah, you were written out long before that brain fart!!!

* “I Got My Mind Set On You” by George Harrison.  As I noted last week, this was the last Beatle to reach number one until the Anthology came out.  What I didn’t mention, was my Anthology story, so … hell, it’s story time!

Freshman year of college, Sunday night before Thanksgiving.  I didn’t come home for the Chiefs game that night (they hosted the Houston Oilers).  I’m flipping constantly between the game and the Anthology, and at every commercial break, my mom and I are calling each other to express what we thought about said Anthology’s last segment.  (What can I say, my mom is the biggest Beatles fan you’ll ever meet … and she raised me with a proper, healthy respect for the world’s second greatest band.  Sorry mom – I like the Stones that much more.) 

Anyways, about 9:56pm CT that Sunday night, ABC comes out of the commercial break to air “Free As A Bird”, the first new Beatles release in 25 years (and it would hit number one).  Meanwhile, on ESPN, the Oilers are tied at 13 with the Chiefs, and are literally handing the ball off to bleed the clock and go to overtime. 

Then, out of nowhere, as I’m enjoying “Free As a Bird”, the dorm room next to mine goes ape sh*t crazy.  (My freshman year, I lived next to two people from Kansas City).  I mean, it’s crazy party time next door.  Next thing I know, my door’s getting pounded by Matt and Brian (the neighbors), asking me “can you believe this!  Can you believe this!”

Uuh, believe what?

Yeah.  The Oilers running back, former Chief Todd McNair, literally fumbled without being touched, while trying to run out the clock, and Chiefs S Mark Collins took it to the house for the third “holy f*cking sh*t, how did THAT happen?!?!?!” finish of the 1995 season.  To this day, I have not watched that play.  I’m still too p*ssed at myself for not believing the impossible could happen.  Because that 1995 Chiefs team proved the impossible CAN happen.

Back to Mixology.

* “Somebody That I Used to Know” by Gotye.  I like it.

* “Rich Girl” by Hall and Oates.  Their most underrated effort.

* “Private Eyes” by Hall and Oates.  Their best effort.

* “Long Cool Woman (In a Black Dress)” by the Hollies.  Great song.

* “Shout” by the Isley Brothers.  My good buddy known as “The Voice of Reason”?  “Animal House” is his dad’s favorite movie.  I think it’s safe to say, most of us who know G, are stunned that his dad has even seen “Animal House”, let alone revere it like he does.

* “Someone To Love” by Jefferson Airplane.  “Who’s Grace Slick”?  Classic.

* “Sky High” by Jigsaw.  I set the playlist.  Deal with it.  (AKA “this slot is negotiable …”)

* “I Got a Name” by Jim Croce.  I could be talked into defending this song as the greatest recording of all time.  It’s not … but I could be convinced to argue that point.

* “Work” by Jimmy Eat World.  “I can’t say I was never wrong, but some blame rests on you!  Work and play, they’re never ok, to mix the way we do!”

* “I Hate Myself for Loving You” by Joan Jett and the Blackhearts.  And like you, dear readers, I too am “anxiously anticipating” what my “Bowling Night in America” re-write is going to read on Wednesday morning.  Especially since I have Monday and Tuesday off, both to “recover” from the ass whipping the Chiefs are about to endure, but also, wow, I now got two whole days to compose this thing.  In the words of the great Mr. Hugh M. Hefner, “this is going to be something … REALLY special!”

* “Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off” by Joe Nichols.  Funniest moment from last week had to be the “remembrance” of the most classic Stevo moment ever, when the Bus left in a hurry, I wound up falling ass first onto the handle of the generator, laid out in excruciating pain … (yes, landing on a handle of a generator as it lodges in your ass crack DOES hurt) … and somehow, I not only didn’t spill a drop of my drink, everyone got to laugh at me for five plus minutes, because my “I Heart Beer” boxers (plus, presumably, the eight plus inches I’m packing … ok, fine, six and a half … ok, fine, six) were exposed for everyone to see.  You’re welcome?

* “Don’t Stop Believing” by Journey.  This is “The Crush”’s ringtone.  It’s a great song.  And since it’s officially Chrismukkah season … hell yes, I’m hauling out the Santa hat with mistletoe attached tomorrow!  I’m just disappointed it took me three years to figure out that neat “has to kiss me” trick.

* “Open Arms” by Journey.  Two straight home games it got applause.  It stays.

* “Somewhere Only We Know” by Keane.  This might get punted on the ride out Sunday morning, as I finalize the playlist.

* “Luckenbach, Texas”, covered by Kid Rock and Kenny Chesney.  If you’ve heard this, it needs no explanation.

* “Footloose” by Kenny Loggins.  Why Blake Shelton even attempted to remake this, I have no clue.  Some sh*t can’t be topped.  This is that “some sh*t that can’t be topped”.

* “What I Like About You” by the Kinks.  Great song.

* “Fresh” by Kool and the Gang.  “She’s a lady!” never fails to slay me.

* “Jump” by Kris Kross.  I promise to have my Jets hat on backwards as this song plays.  (But you always wear that hat backwards …)

* “Yeah!” by Usher, featuring Lil’ Jon and Ludacris.  How this song didn’t crack Rolling Stone’s Top 100 of the 2000s, I have no idea. 

* “One Step Closer” by Linkin Park.  Every Chiefs game brings me one step closer to the edge.  And I’m definitely about to break.

* “Penny Lover” by Lionel Richie.  I refuse to walk home from Arrowhead.

* “Dancing on the Ceiling” by Lionel Richie.  I have a feeling my wish regarding this song, ain’t happening tomorrow.  But a kid can dream.

* “Party Rock Anthem” by LMFAO.  People seem to like it.

* “Borderline” by Madonna.  I like it.

* “Shining Star” by the Manhattans.  As I’ve noted every week so far, this is not a great “tailgating” choice for Mixology.  As everyone else has noted every week this has popped up – “great choice Stevo!”  This song is epically good. 

* “Every Monday” by Marvelous 3.  Seriously, give it a listen.  This is the most criminitely underrated band of all time. 

* “Come On Get Higher” by Matt Nathanson.  A suggestion no Chiefs fan can ignore, or deny.

* “Time to Pretend” by MGMT.  What, that we can win this game?

* “Electric Feel” by MGMT.  What, should I stick my fingers into the plug deal in the wall?

* “Kids” by MGMT.  I’ll give ya MGMT all you want chica, but this The xx sh*t ain’t making it back into Mixology for awhile.  Man, that stuff was awful.

* “Daydream Believer” by the Monkees.  This gets punted over my dead, cold body laying 29 feet below the surface.

* “Bye Bye Bye” by NSYNC.  How this song wasn’t the best song of the 2000s, I have no idea.

* “Regulate” by Nate Dogg and Warren G.  I have a feeling that tomorrow, it will be the broncos who “regulate”.

* “Closer” by Ne-Yo.  I still want to know what the hell a “Ne-Yo” is.  Is it like a yo-yo?  Or a slinky?

* “Sweet Caroline” by Neil Diamond.  Do you realize that next year, it’s 50 years since the assassination of President Kennedy?  Unreal.

* “Stand By Me” by Otis Redding.  The best version of this song ever recorded.

* “Innocent” by Our Lady Peace.  It’s my favorite song of all time.  It’s included.

* “In The Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.  If there’s anything in the air tonight, I’ll probably get sick from it.  I’ve been sick all week.  Can’t wait to see what crap I get from the family gathering today.

* “Easy Lover” by Phil Collins and Phillip Bailey.  The leads from Genesis and Earth, Wind and Fire combining for this effort?  Yes, please!

* “Home” by Phillip Phillips.  Best song of 2012.

* “Boom!” by POD.  Tailgating tradition.

* “Killer Queen” by Queen.  Awesome, awesome song.

* “Guerrila Radio” by Rage Against the Machine.  I’ve reached my “f*ck it, cut the cord!” moment.  Have you, fellow Chiefs fan?  You have?  Sweet!  Then WEAR ALL BLACK tomorrow!  Send the message!

* “Go All The Way” by the Raspberries.  It’s been far, far, far too long since this applied to me.  We’re pushing a year at this point.  (Note to self: visit the Eclipse this week …)

* “Endless Summer Nights” by Richard Marx.  Arguably the 1980s greatest song.

* “Super Freak” by Rick James.  My bad – this is arguably the 1980s greatest song.

* “Sympathy For the Devil” by the Rolling Stones.  In my top five favorite songs by my favorite band.  And if you haven’t seen the HBO documentary “Crossfire Hurricane” yet, you gotta see it, it’s incredibly good.

* “Get Off Of My Cloud” by the Rolling Stones.  One of their first smash hits, and still one of their greatest efforts.

* “Paint It Black” by the Rolling Stones.  Arrowhead Nation?  Take the hint!

* “Start Me Up” by the Rolling Stones.  “You make a dead man cum.”  Never fails to make me laugh.

* “Gimme Shelter” by the Rolling Stones.  It’s at this point I have to ask: if the “Steve Pederson” of tailgating shows up this week, should I throw “Let’s Spend the Night Together” onto the Mixology rotation … or does “Go Your Own Way”, or the upcoming number by Tenacious D, get the point across?  Tough decision.

* “Pretty Woman” by Roy Orbison.  I’m sorry, but the “growl” he makes a minute into this song, is one of the funniest moments ever recorded.

* “Gin and Juice” by Snoop Dogg.  Laid back …

* “Faded” by soulDecision.  Over my dead, cold body.

* “I Don’t Remember Last Night” by Sunny Ledford.  Not a god!  damned!  thing!

* “Poem” by Taproot.  Will probably get “fired” at the last second, as I scramble things up on the ride out to Arrowhead.

* “Stranglehold” by Ted Nugent.  I’m seriously contemplating putting “Kiss My Ass” on the playlist … even though it’s Ted’s “affectionate” love letter to the Clinton’s.

* “F*ck Her Gently” by Tenacious D.  Great song.

* “Don’t Leave Me This Way” by Thelma Houston.  For the older folks in the crowd.

* “All Or Nothing” by Theory of a Deadman.  Yes.  Win or else, guys.  Win … or else.

* “Out Of My Head” by Theory of a Deadman.  I’ve been accused of worse.

* “Shambala” by Three Dog Night.  Yes, more please.

* “I Like It, I Love It” by Tim McGraw.  Hard to believe this song is pushing 20 years.

* “Free Fallin’” by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers.  Epically good.

* “Save Me, San Francisco” by Train.  I’ve been high, and I’ve been low!  I’ve been yes, and I’ve been OH!  HELL!  NO!!!  I’m guessing I’m going to be “low” and “OH HELL NO!” leaving Arrowhead tomorrow.

* “Downfall” by TRUST Company.  Just because.

* “Beautiful Day” by U2.  And yes, the worst day imaginable at Arrowhead – and I think what’s looming on Sunday qualifies as “worst day imaginable” – the worst day imaginable at Arrowhead?  Is still a beautiful day.

* “Toes” by Zac Brown Band.  I wish my toes were in the water, and my ass was in the sand.

* “Down” by 311.  Hard to believe this song is pushing 20 years old.

* “Dust In the Wind” by Kansas.  YOU’RE MY BOY BLUE!!!

* “Aw!  The denver broncos?!?!?!” from the Simpsons.  This WILL get played tomorrow.  Multiple times.  No way around it.

* “Black Betty” by Ram Jam.  I HATE this song.  Everyone else loves it.  So be it.

* “Tailfeathers” by Nelly.  I HATE Nelly … but this song isn’t half bad.

* “NFL on FOX Theme Song”, remix edition.  Tailgating classic.

So that’s 112 slots filled.  I’m going to slot eight more in, then finish filling out the rotation on the ride out tomorrow morning.  So you have until then to let me know either via text, or Twitter (@teamtito15), or email (teamtito15@yahoo.com), what you want to hear.  The final eight for now:

* “The Return” vs denver, 2003.  KCFX version.

* “The Stand” vs denver, 2005.  KCFX version.

* “The Return” vs denver, 2003.  CBS version.

* “The Kick”, vs denver, 1997.  NBC version.

* “The Interception”, at denver, 2000.  CBS version.

* “Lord, You Can Take Me Now”, at denver, 1994.  ABC version.

* “The Time Of My Life” by David Cook.  Added for a reason, along with …

* “Don’t You (Forget About Me)”, covered by David Cook.  The reason for these last two inclusions is simple: this time of year?  The ONLY thing that matters is family.  All of us have family we’re actually related to … but the truly blessed in this life, have “family” we CHOOSE as OUR family.

I have my blood family … but I also have my Chiefs family.  None more deserving of a tremendous, incredible Chrismukkah season than the lady I sat behind for ten years, Chris.  The David Cook inclusions are for you girl.  We are “family”.  Never forget – or doubt – that fact.

Prediction: Chiefs (+10 ½) 33, broncos 19 … and THE BEST postgame celebration in a long, long, long, long time.  This team has one gigantic upset in it.  It’s time to lay the cards on the table boys, and give your die-hards what we deserve: a win over Satan’s franchise

And just in case you think I’m insane for picking the Chiefs to win … well, fine, let’s not argue mental capacity.  But I have nailed us in this spot before.  And I’m fairly certain I’ll be wide awake even earlier tomorrow, than I was four years ago.  Let’s do this, Arrowhead Nation!  

WIN!  THIS!  GAME!!!

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also, apologies on the layout ...

Something went bat sh*t crazy when I tried to upload the previous post.  I'll work on fixing it Tuesday.  I didn't change a thing; t...