“Can’t let go.
And it doesn’t matter how I try.
I give it up? So easily
To you, my love!
Two dreams?
That never will come true.
Am I strong enough
To see it through?
Go crazy is what I will do …
If I can’t have you!
I don’t want nobody baby!
If I can’t have you?
Ah Ah Ah!
If I can’t have you?
I don’t want nobody baby!
If I can’t have you?
Ah Ah Ah! …”
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Welcome, peoples and peepettes, to Stevo’s Site Numero Dos’ annual exercise in futility: my NFL Season Prognostications.
For those interested in last year’s craptacular guesses, here is the handy dandy link to those predictions.
For this year’s predictions post(s) … well, you’re gonna love this, or you’re gonna hate it. The choice -- as always -- is up to you.
Because I thought I’d steal an idea that Terez Paylor used in The Star’s football preview on Sunday -- use a movie I love to set the tone for the season. (Note: I believe Mr. Paylor stole this from Bill Simmons, but whatever. I’ve never claimed to have a problem with liars, thieves, or cheaters -- just chicken sh*t cowards.)
In case you aren’t familiar with me, my favorite movie of all time … has held that designation, since the first time I saw the unedited version * of it, pushing three decades ago. I wrote a paper in a Survey of Film class I took in college defending it as the greatest movie of all time. I’ve posted before why I love this movie so much ** . So, in yet another attempt to get those of you who have never seen it to give it a chance, the picks post(s) this year is using “Saturday Night Fever” as a framing device.
Hope you enjoy.
And profit -- as always -- by wagering against everything I predict will occur.
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(*: normally I don’t much mind an edited version of a movie. The differences aren’t that dramatic. But the edited version of “Fever” is a national disgrace. Don’t waste your time on it. You have to have the unedited version, to grasp the full impact of this cinematic masterpiece. (Pause). And yes, this is where I warn you up front, this post will not be PG friendly. Let’s just say, “Fever” is one of the most foul-mouthed scripts of all time.)
(**: six years ago, the scene referenced in the post was my favorite scene. Now, it’s second. The scene the movie should have ended on -- with Tony standing alone at the base of the bridge, as the events of the final night reach their climax (trying to not give too much away here) -- that’s now my favorite, because of the position it finally leaves Tony in. Yes, there’s a real life reason why I feel this way. Also, before you mock me for loving this movie this much, I remind you, “Fever” was the late, great Gene Siskel’s favorite movie of all time as well. In the words of the person I’ve always thought was the Tony Manero in my life: “deal with it!”)
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Part Uno was The Also Rans. The eight squads that I believe not only have no shot at the postseason … but no shot at finishing within two games of .500.
Part Dos was The Mediocres. The eight squads that I believe will finish .500 (or close enough to it to qualify for the post).
Part Tres was The Fringe Contenders. The eight squads that will contend for the four wildcard slots.
Part Quatro: The Champions. (That would be this post.) Your eight division winners.
And Part Cinco is The Playoffs -- how the postseason will play out.
(Pause).
You’re godd*mned right I’m padding the posting stats with this bad boy …
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8. Philadelphia Eagles.
Head Coach: Doug Pederson (Power Poll Rank: 15).
Projected Record: 8-8-0, T 1st NFC East.
(Tony) Ya mom’s sauce don’t drip! It don’t taste, and it don’t drip!
Who amongst us isn’t looking forward to Chrismukkah Night? The raiders at the Eagles! In prime time! What could POSSIBLY go wrong?
What will go right … is that the Eagles victory will set up a “winner takes all” showdown against the Cowboys the following Sunday to decide the NFC East, and the raider defeat will leave them behind the eight ball known as the Kansas City Chiefs, in trying to win the AFC West.
I love this Eagles team -- especially after this season. But why not see them arrive a year ahead of schedule? I mean, is going from seven to eight wins really a stretch, as the rest of the division recedes to the median around them? Trust me peeps -- run the schedules. The Eagles winning the East is not as ridiculous as you’d think.
Speaking of, here’s the NFC East Schedule Grid:
Key Game: Week Seventeen, vs Cowboys. Winner take all.
7. Houston Texans.
Head Coach: Bill O’Brien (Power Poll Rank: 1).
Projected Record: 10-6-0, 1st AFC South.
(Stephanie) You know all about that bridge, don’t you?
(Tony) I know everything about that bridge! And know what else? There’s a guy buried in the cement.
(Stephanie) Really?
(Tony) Know how it happened? While they were working on it, pouring the cement, he slipped off the upper part of it and, you know, fell in. Dumb f*ck.
Ryan Mallett. Brian Hoyer. “Brave” Brock Osweiler. Tom Savage. What, pray tell, do these four “quarterbacks” have in common, save for possibly Mr. O’Brien’s desire to have them slip off a f*cking bridge and become a part of the support beam?
They all helped quarterback a Bill O’Brien coached Houston Texans team to a division championship. Let that sink in -- these four retreads / never were’s / never will be’s, are all responsible for more division titles the last two years than Matt Stafford, Eli Manning, derek carr, Andrew Luck, Andy Dalton, Joe Flacco, Ryan Tannehill, and Carson Palmer combined (two trumps one -- Palmer being your only division winning QB in that grouping).
If you doubt me as to why I think Bill O’Brien is the best coach in the NFL, read that listing of quarterbacks who HAVEN’T won their division … and then read who Bill O’Brien did win his with.
This is going to be one scary, scary good team the rest of this decade. Scary, scary good. Or to put it in better terms: if Bill O’Brien can post three winning records, win two division titles, and a playoff game, with that human garbage under center? Just wait until you see what he’s going to do with Deshaun Watson as his skipper. God bless, this team terrifies me come 2019. To say nothing of Week Five 2017.
Your AFC South Schedule Grid:
Key Game: Week Sixteen, vs Steelers. They need the upset to hold off the Titans. They’ll get it.
6. Detroit Lions.
Head Coach: Jim “Corpse” Caldwell (Power Poll Rank: 32).
Projected Record: 11-5-0, 1st NFC Norris.
(Frank Sr.) Four dollars? Four dollars? You know what four dollars buys today? It doesn’t even buy three f*cking dollars!
The remnants of Barack Obama’s economy everybody!!!
And yes, I’m picking the Lions to win the Norris.
Incredibly, that’s not even the most outrageous pick I’m making, when it comes to these feisty felines.
Your NFC North Schedule Grid:
Key Game: Week Seventeen, vs Packers. Winner take all.
5. Carolina Panthers.
Head Coach: Ron Rivera (Power Poll Rank: 12).
Projected Record: 11-5-0, T 1st NFC South.
(Frank Jr) Tony, the only way you’re gonna survive, is to do what you think is right, not what they keep trying to jam you into. You let ‘em do that? And you’re gonna end up in nothing but misery!
It only took six years, three general managers, one embarrassing Super Bowl defeat, and a complete collapse in said Super Bowl defeat’s aftermath … but I think “Riverboat” Ron Rivera has finally figured out that Cam Newton is at his best? When you don’t pound him into a f*cking system, but rather adapt the system to his extraordinary talents. This might be the best team in the NFC. Seriously. They’re scary good.
Your NFC South Schedule Grid:
Key Game: Week Fifteen, vs Packers. Arguably cost the Packers the postseason … and handed the NFC South to Carolina on tiebreakers over Atlanta.
4. Pittsburgh Steelers.
Head Coach: Omar Epps Mike Tomlin (Power Poll Rank: 3).
Projected Record: 11-5-0, 1st AFC Norris.
(Stephanie) This is the first time I’ve let a known rapist into my house.
Your AFC Norris Schedule Grid:
Key Game: vs Patriots, Week Fifteen. Winner took home field advantage throughout the AFC Postseason.
(Deep Exhale …)
For all the flaws in the last seven minutes of “Saturday Night Fever” -- and there are so many that I refuse to acknowledge the last seven minutes exist, except for the fact that they, you know, do -- for all of the flaws in the last seven minutes of “Saturday Night Fever”, Stephanie letting Tony into her brownstone isn’t one of them. It’s a total Stephanie move (she’s too arrogant to admit she might have some significant f*ckups and failures in her ability to judge people properly).
And Tony’s reaction to actually being allowed in (“I’ll just stand here in the corner. I don’t want you to think I’m gonna try something on ya”), isn’t one of them either. Tony at his core is a toddler. He’s a chicken sh*t coward who not only doesn’t have the manhood or maturity to go for what he truly wants (an escape off Long Island), he doesn’t have the support structure in place to help propel him to achieve his dream (because he treats everyone in his life like they’re nothing more than a means to an end … which to him, they are.)
No, the part of the last seven minutes that drives me absolutely bat sh*t crazy is the very last scene, when Stephanie loosens up, allows Tony to enter her main room, and they sit on the windowsill, looking at the East River as the sun rises on a gorgeous Sunday morning, and this exchange happens:
(Tony) You know, friends.
(Stephanie) You, friends with a girl? You think you can stand to be friends with a girl?
(Tony) Honestly? I don’t know.
(Both) (Laughs all around).
(Tony) But I’d like to try.
(Stephanie) OK. Friends, then.
(Stephanie) (Takes Tony’s hand).
(Cue “How Deep Is Your Love”)
And … scene.
I mean, COME ON. Tony just tried to rape her not even twelve hours earlier, after dropping every racial blast known to man after he and Stephanie screwed the Puerto Rican couple out of the dance title the movie ostensibly builds to for two freaking hours! The only reason Tony is on your doorstep is because he literally has nowhere else to go after what happened post-rape attempt! And now, you’re about to make friends with your wannabe rapist? COME. ON. Not even the final season of “How I Met Your Mother” had plots that ridiculous, and I’m fully aware there was an entire episode devoted to who made better scrambled eggs for Christ’s sake.
I mention this not only to vent briefly about the only truly serious flaw the movie has (and really, if the ending is this f*cked up and ridiculous, but it’s still my favorite movie ever, then it’s gotta be something, in the words of the great Mr. Hugh M. Hefner, “this is gonna be something … REALLY special!”), I mention it not only to vent, but to note, that the ending to something?
Doesn’t necessarily mean it wasn’t worth the journey to get there.
Which is why in this season opening power ranking, the Steelers (who won 16-18 on January 15th … and 14-43 on October 2nd) rank behind …
3. Kansas City Chiefs.
Head Coach: “Fat” Andy Reid (Power Poll Rank: 4).
Projected Record: 11-5-0, 1st AFC West.
(Tony) Then what’s your f*cking problem huh? What’s your f*cking problem?
(Annette) (Looks up in combo of horror and disgust)
(Annette) What did I ever do to you Tony, to deserve any of this? All I ever did? Was love you!
Speaking as a long-term Chiefs Season Ticket Member, I can assure you, all of us have shouted Annette’s response in that spot, at least fifteen times over the last thirty years, when reacting to what the Red and Gold fails to achieve on the field.
Your AFC West Schedule Grid:
Key Game: Week Fourteen, raiders at Chiefs. Winner takes the division … and Week Six, Steelers at Chiefs. Winner gets the bye.
2. Seattle Seahawks.
Head Coach: Pete Carroll (Power Poll Rank: 5).
Projected Record: 12-4-0, 1st NFC West.
(Annette) Ain’t ya gonna ask me to sit down?
(Tony) No, because you’d do it.
(Annette) Bet you’ll ask me to lay down.
(Tony) No, because you won’t f*cking do it!
The ultimate “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” team. I can’t pick against them to win the division, and if they win the West, they’re probably going to get the conference’s top seed (at least a bye), and host a game, where it will be tough to bet against them. On the other hand, this team has serious 1998 Chiefs potential to it, with all the in-fighting, offense vs defense issues, and apparent locker room hatred of the quarterback. Seahawks fans better hope Pete Carroll is better at massaging 53 out of control egos than Marty Schottenheimer was twenty years ago.
Your NFC West Schedule Grid:
Key Game: Week Seventeen, vs “Super” Cardinals. Winner takes the division.
1. New England Patriots.
Head Coach: Bill Belichick (Power Poll Rank: 2).
Projected Record: 12-4-0, 1st NFC East.
(Joey) Hey Tony! Double J’s been in the car twenty five minutes with some chick!
(Tony) So?
(Joey) So? I can’t get the selfish prick out!
(Tony) These guys can’t do nothin’ without me.
Your AFC East Schedule Grid:
Key Game: Week One, vs Chiefs / Week Fifteen, at Steelers. I have the Patriots sweeping both, ensuring home field advantage throughout the AFC Playoffs.
Next Up? Part Cinco. The Playoffs. How I predict the month of January will unfold, culminating in a champion being crowned to open February ...
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