Tuesday, March 6, 2012

my ten favorite days of 2012 (probably)

Don't worry, "Anonymous" with your witty "Family Guy" comebacks in the comments -- a "Smash" recap is coming ... if only to ensure another "laugh out loud" reaction when I read your latest "Family Guy" comeback once the recap is posted ... it's that, or a "mustache kinda mornin'" around here ...


We’re barely 24 hours away from my favorite day of basketball of the year.  I mean, how can you top “Tremendous Thursday” (or whatever lame throw-away name ESPN anoints Thursday as)?

The eight best conferences in America* get their tournaments into full tilt on Thursday – the ACC, SEC, Pac 12, Big XII, Big 10, Big East, Mountain West, and A-10 all hit the quarterfinals.  As a hoops junkie, it’s an orgy of delight – EIGHT freaking conferences with four games apiece.  Non-stop basketball action from 10am CT to well beyond midnight**.  It’s a day of paradise for me***.

(*: I am aware how utterly unwatchable Big 10 basketball is.  But the Colonial and the Valley’s tourneys are already done, so what can a kid do … other than ignore any and all Big 10 basketball games until they’re unavoidable.)

(**: assumes another six overtime classic in the Gahden.  Hey, Syracuse and UConn are lined up to play at 10am Thursday if the seeding holds.  I’m just saying.)

(***: and me alone.  I blame the failure of my relationship with "The Ex" on said six overtime game.  I think she realized I was fucking insane that night.  In her defense ... she's right.)

So, since I figured I’d better post something other than a “Smash” recap to quiet the masses … here are my ten favorite days of each year.  I should note – these are days GUARANTEED to happen.  Not “my nephew or nieces were born” that happens once.  These bad boys occur regardless of the changing of the calendar … although I’m blatantly cheating that statement I just made for eight of the days about to appear …

10. The first Sunday Tailgate at the K.  The sun is shining, the temperatures are rising, the beer is ice cold, and I lose 15-2 at washers.  Also known as “a perfect day in late May”.

9. The four days of religious kookdom known as the Republican National Convention.  Coming to you the last Monday through Thursday in August this year!  Part of me is really rooting for Rick Santorum to still be mathematically alive when the Convention begins, because I cannot WAIT to see the nutjobs and lunatics that compose his base of support on national television.  (And the part of me that doesn’t want an Obama re-election continues to root for Rick Santorum to still be mathematically alive when the Convention begins, so that we get a brokered convention and a competent challenger capable of defeating Mr. Obama (I’m looking at you, Chris Christie) emerges.)  Barely edged out by …

8. The four days of mental and emotional kookdom known as the Democratic National Convention.  I’ve always noted that the only difference between the fringes of both parties is that “Republicans give their (crazy folks) a mic behind a pulpit at Mass, and Democrats give their (crazy folks) a mic in front of a news broadcast.”  Sadly, I’m 100 percent correct about that … although for a week, extend “news broadcast” to include “the podium at Time Warner Cable Arena in downtown Charlotte”.  Tragically, the highlight of the DNC won’t ever occur again, as beloved alcoholic, philanderer, and assassin of Mary Jo Kopechne Senator Edward M. Kennedy has passed on.  (Cue the bartenders at last call in Charlotte weeping openly over their loss of guaranteed revenue …)

7. The raiders home game.  For four important reasons.   (1) It’s screwed the Chiefs out of a playoff berth (or a first round bye) the last two years.  (2) They are (in theory) our most hated rival.  (OK, fine, they are … but not on this site.)  (3) January 2, 2000 remains the most painful day of my life that didn’t involve someone dying.  And (4) Three R Words: Russ’ raider Ribs.  They’re to die for.  (Cue everyone who’s ever spent a weekend day / evening at the pool nodding in profound agreement …)

6. The Saturday of a Floater.  Provided it’s on the Elk, because after spending eight to ten hours soaking up the sun, getting ridiculous drunk, cliff and bridge diving, and generally making an ass out of yourself, you close the night down at everyone’s favorite misnamed bar, the Shadow Lake Surf Club!  (Cue the “Linda Richman” voice: I’ll give you a topic.  Shadow Lake Surf Club is neither on a lake, nor a surf club.  Discuss.)  I love that little bar, with its 26th annual Homemade Bikini Contest coming your way in early June …

5. The Chiefs Home Opener.  Not preseason, regular season.  The first tailgate of the year almost always is the best – still good weather, seeing friends and beloved seatmates and fellow tailgaters you haven’t seen in eight months (in some cases), and everyone “cautiously optimistic” about the season to come.  One of the ten days a year I DEFINITELY live for.

4. The (Insert Ounce Here) Annual Tailgate.  2009 was a rough year, especially for a few months in the late spring and early summer – huge changes in life, good friends fighting and feuding over trivial shit that doesn’t matter one damned bit at the end of the day.  My plan to at least close the summer down on a positive?  A day of drinking and tailgating.  The first (Insert Ounce Here) Tailgate drew about fifteen people … and worked perfectly.  2010 was the best one so far, as nearly 40 people showed up to drink the afternoon away.  Last year was epically fun too … and epically hot, which drove the attendance down.  Still, at some point this summer, (Insert Ounce Here) Tailgate will return.  And I liked the Sporting KC venue much more than an afternoon at Kauffman, so I’m leaning towards another Sporting KC afternoon and evening of fun and drunken hijinks.

Still, if both teams are in first place come mid-July … uum … well … I’ll throw it out there: if I accept a tailgate and day of fun for drinking ounces, will someone else accept smoking ounces, so we can cover both? 

3. Thursday.  For every reason listed in the opening, and two more to boot.  College sports fans are paying a heavy, unnecessary price due to pure unadulterated greed, as two great rivalries are guaranteed to die in a couple weeks … and two more are gonna bite the dust next March.  Texas / A&M is dead and buried, save for deciding who battles TCU to go to Omaha in a couple months.  KU / MU hopefully has one last great moment left in it later this week.

And next year, Syracuse / UConn and Syracuse / Georgetown bite the dust.  When I say repeatedly that “unchecked capitalism is the single greatest evil in the world today”?  I say it with these things in mind.  In the last twenty years, we’ve lost Texas / Arkansas.  We’ve lost OU / Nebraska.  We’ve lost Penn State / Pitt.  We’re about to bid goodbye to KU / MU, Texas / A&M, and (possibly, speaking as a Horny Frog alumnus) TCU / SMU.  We’re going to lose Syracuse / Georgetown. 

And Thursday might be the final Syracuse / UConn showdown in the Gahden.  Ever.

That’s insanely wrong.

(And why I’m taking the day off, if only to say I saw the last classic showdown someday, when I’ve been dumped in the home and am rambling more insanely idiotic stuff than I already do …)

2. The Fourth of July.  No matter how much the fringe lunatics on both sides try to destroy this country, there will always be the solid middle 60% of us who refuse to let it die.  Plus, it’s a day built around (1) being outdoors in the summer heat, (2) blowing shit up, (3) getting ridiculously drunk, and (4) celebrating the greatest nation the Earth has ever allowed to call home.  Remember (4) especially come late August, when the Republicans trot out their religious nuts, and my side trots out our inept incumbent onto your television sets. 

But number one?  In the words of Chad Ochocinco, “Child?  Please!”  There is ONE day, and ONE day alone, that earns “Best Day of the Year” status …

1. denver at Kansas City.  Put it this way: I could be 92, on life support, and unable to control my bodily functions … and I’d write out ANYONE out of my will who refused to transport me to Arrowhead for this day.  I LIVE for seeing that team lose on the sacred grounds of Arrowhead Stadium.  If I ran the NFL … well, it would probably be bankrupt, or at least as broke as the CBA was when Isiah Thomas was through with it.

But if I ran the NFL?  You can bet your sweet ass I’d schedule denver at Kansas City would be in prime time every freaking year.  Ideally on either Thanksgiving Night, or Christmas Night.

Because every person should always be thankful of a denver loss, and grateful for receiving a Chiefs win …

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