Tuesday, July 19, 2016

rnc night one: the look back

"For each man in his time?  Is king.
Until he walks along the beach,
And sees his future in the water --
A long lost heart?  Within his reach.

And all I ever needed?  Was the one!
Like freedom fields, where wild horses run!
When stars collide, like you and I?
No shadows block the sky!

You're all I ever needed --
Baby?  You're the one! ..."

-- "The One" by Sir Elton John.

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(Note: I'll update with links later.  I am posting this at work, and Youtube!, Twitter, and for some reason, the Republican National Convention site, are all blocked.)

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Let's just begin with the obvious, shall we?

"House of Wings" arrival.

Sweet merciful Lord Jesus.  Ric Flair was jealous of that intro.  Ditto "The People's Champion".  It was so self-absorbed, so attention-grabbing ... I mean, not even the sweet merciful Messiah Himself's entrance into Jerusalem on Palm Sunday was as ridiculous, arrogant, and "look at me, I have "big hands"!" over the top, as much as "House of Wings" arrival on the stage was last night.  I literally spit out the frosty cold Coors Light I was enjoying, I was laughing so hard at the moment.  You want to talk about self-fellation?  That was it.  "House of Wings" went full-on down on himself last night.

And I absolutely loved it.  The sh*t eating grin as "House of Wings" stepped to the podium, the "f*ck you, elephants!" triumphant moment?  It was just awesome.  I mean, not even Al Gore was as thrust-deep with Tipper in 2000, as The Donald was with himself last night.

And the absolute sh*t eating "suck it, delegates!" grin of arrogance and defiance?  Jesus.  Just awesome.  I guarantee you even Jesus was laughing at that spectacle last night.  How could He not?  How could any sane person NOT enjoy the hell out of that moment?

Plus -- Queen?  Really?  The party that refused to put equality for all in its' platform, is introducing its' nominee's wife to a tune by one of the most unquestioningly gay dudes to ever occupy a stage?  I mean, (keyshawn johnson voice) come on man!

I guess you gotta give "House of Wings" this -- the man does know how to make an entrance.  A spectacular one, at that.

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Rudy Giuliani.  

I suppose in the interest of fairness, that I should disclose that I'm not a big fan of His Honor.  Having a tragedy occur on your watch does not make you a hero.  If it did, Abe Beame would be fondly remembered for his four years in Gracie Mansion, rather than reviled for decimating the NYPD so thoroughly that Son of Sam ran free on the streets of New York for the last twelve months of his reign of error.  Simply drawing breath and not being utterly and completely incompetent in the face of unexpected terror doesn't make you a hero in my book.  It makes you normal.

Having said that ... was that one fun speech last night or what?  It kind of reminded me of "Left Liberal" Governor Granholm at the DNC four years ago.  (And that was one epic speech too.)

After a day of literal floor fighting, internal squabbling, and ridiculous tomfoolery and hijinks, the delegates needed to be woke up.  I mean, when even the crazy Texans can't generate excitement, you know it's a boring evening.  (Note: the Texas delegation -- at either convention -- is always the funnest to watch during the breaks in the action.  They all dress in something ridiculous, and just enjoy the hell out of the bottle evening.)  And man, did His Honor deliver last night.

That was the most scathing, blistering attack I believe I've ever heard a Republican deliver on Secretary Clinton.  (And long overdue -- again, I offer no defense whatsoever for Benghazi.  You can't defend the indefensible, so why even try.)  He spared no punches.  Hell, if I wasn't already in the tank for Hillary, I could have possibly been talked into listening to what "House of Wings" is selling with at least one ear and half an eye open.  The Republicans need to do more of this.  This is the message "House of Wings" can win with -- attack her record.  Attack her resume.  Because even I have to admit, there's a few gaping holes in that bad boy, that can be used against her.

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Lt. General Michael Flynn.

Boring.  Boring, boring, boring.  I would think, if Reince and "House of Wings" could do it over again, they'd have flipped the General and His Honor, and let Rudy bring the night down.  Whatever positive buzz Rudy and Mrs. "House of Wings" engendered in the delegates (and yes, we're getting to her eventually), was destroyed by this flat, boring, not even remotely interesting speech.  Hell, at one point, I figured I'd flip through the stations to see who was still carrying this thing live.  I mean, it's the final speech of the night.  Surely at least one network had it live, right?

FOX?  Didn't check.
FOX News?  Nope -- round table.
CBS?  Nope -- Scott Pelley and Gloria Borger discussing Melania's speech.
ABC?  Nope -- round table led by George Stephanopoulus discussing Rudy's speech.
NBC?  Didn't check.
MSNBC?  Nope -- round table co-led by Rachel Maddow and Brian "I Do Make This Sh*t Up!" Williams.
CNN?  Nope -- ridiculous round table *.

(*: if you haven't seen the pictures of this thing, search Twitter or Google.  They were NINE PEOPLE DEEP at one point!  Nine people slammed around an anchor desk designed for three, maybe four at the most.  (jim mora jr voice) It was really neat!)

No matter your political persuasion (and let's face it, 5 of those 7 networks lean left, one leans right, and one drunken stumbles all over the place), when every single network is saying "uuh, no thanks" to what you're selling?  You probably made a mistake.

And in case you think me and the networks were the only ones bored to tears?  I flipped it up to CSPAN, and you could see the delegates streaming for the open bar and or adult entertainment venues exits.

Which brings me to ...

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Melania Trump.

Let's deal with the Captain Oats in the room first, shall we?  Do I think she blatantly stole a paragraph or two from Michelle Obama's speech eight years ago in Denver?  Hell yes I do.  Do I care?  Hell no, I do not.

Because I was damned impressed with her last night.

I cannot even imagine the fear she had to be overcoming.  It's fairly well known Mrs. "House of Wings" is not a fan of the public spotlight, she's not the most prolific public speaker you'll ever meet, and given that she has an understandable Eastern European accent, can be difficult to understand at times.  I understood every word she said last night.

You know what honestly and truly was my only thought as Mrs. "House of Wings" was speaking?  (Other than "dammit, the dugout's empty!", of course?)  Look at what "House of Wings" has managed to accomplish.  The Republican National Convention is being keynoted by an immigrant chick who is truly the embodiment of the American Dream as the world knows it.  If you had told me six months ago that the keynote speaker on any night at the RNC would be anyone other than a rich white dude who could star in a Fidelity ad, I'd have laughed you out of the room.  Congratulations, Republicans, on entering the 1990s.  It's just a damned shame that come Thursday night, you're officially stuck with a candidate who wants to return this nation to the 1950s **.

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(**: here's the dirty little secret neither side will ever have the balls to admit.  The economic and industrial boom of the 1950s?  Occurred for one reason, and one reason only.  And that is the unquestionable fact that since 2/3rds of the industrialized world laid in (stewie griffin voice) roo-eens after World War II, the United States had to fill the vacuum that the devastation in Europe and Asia created.  Once Germany, Japan, and southeast Asia rebuilt?  Go figure, by the early 1960s, American industry began the very predictable decline to its more normal level.  There's your history lesson for today, kids.  You're welcome.)

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Night Two's theme is "Making America Work Again".  This, peoples and peepettes, is the night that really doesn't matter much.  "House of Wings" can't attack Secretary Clinton on the economy -- she's not responsible for it.  And furthermore, does The Donald really want to open that door?  I mean, I do believe Hillary's husband knows a thing or three about how to fix a roo-eened economy.  I think Hillary's husband has a clue on how to not only balance a budget, but generate a surplus to boot.

The speaker lineup is, quite frankly, not inspiring.  Mitch McConnell usually makes watching paint dry sound fun.  Paul Ryan is a decent speaker, but given that 2/3rds of the base can't stomach him for daring to do his job and try to work with the President, rather than obstruct everything, his remarks aren't likely to play well.  I don't care what Tiffany Trump or Donnie Junior have to say.  I've never watched a second of UFC fighting in my life, and I never will, so putting Dana White up there does nothing for me.  Ditto whoever this female golfer is.  And while I'm genuinely excited to see a casino mogul get a speaking spot at the Republican convention, what's his advice on how to grow the economy -- find the lowest common denominator out there, and put a slot machine and a pack of Marlboro's in front of them for two hours?  

I mean, when the night's highlight is probably going to be wagering on if Chris Christie has food on his tie when he's wheeled out to talk, you're not looking at a promising night.

Oh well.  Maybe a night of peace and quiet is a good thing.  

Or maybe "House of Wings" will finally force Reince and the boys to back down, and allow THE true economic moneymaker in Cleveland, to have the high honor and privilege of opening his mouth, and addressing the delegates.  We Want (Don) King!  We Want (Don) King!  I mean, you talk about made in America ...

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