Wednesday, July 27, 2016

dnc night two: the phail in philly ...

“I’ve been searching
For a pot of gold –
Like the kind you find,
At the end of a rainbow.

I’ve been dreaming,
But it was in vain.
Aah, but now you’re here –
Can’t believe that you’re back again!

Now I know I can’t lose –
As long as you follow!
I’m gonna win!  (I’m gonna win!)
I’m gonna beg, steal or borrow!

As long as you follow!

I’ve been wandering;
Gone way too far.
But the road was rough,
To get back where you are.

And the sun went down;
Never seemed to rise.
Aah, but now you’re here –
With the light shining in your eyes!

Now I know I can’t lose!
As long as you follow!
I’m gonna win!  (I’m gonna win!)
I’m gonna beg, steal or borrow!

Yes – I can live today
If you give me tomorrow!
As long as you follow!
As long as you follow! …”

-- “As Long As You Follow” by Fleetwood Mac … who is Stevo’s Site Numero Dos’ Official Musical Group O’ The Week, for reasons that any person who was aged 15 to 25 in July 1992, that gave even the slightest care to politics, can probably figure out ...

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“House of Wings” entered this convention proudly sporting a nearly ten point bump, coming out of Cleveland last week, to grab a six point lead in the national polls over Secretary Clinton.

That does not surprise me.  I’m the dude who said last week that “House of Wings” would emerge from the conventions with at least a three point lead in the polls.

But I’m also the dude who said “House of Wings” would get a bigger bump out of the Democrat Convention, than he would out of his own.

Folks?  After last night?

I’m doubling down on that prediction.

“House of Wings” is going to be up by ten points by this time next week.

And last night, is going to be a major reason why.

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Once upon a time, former President Reagan told a damned funny story.  He said that while he was on the campaign trail, he came upon a farmer, and asked if said farmer would listen to what he was selling.  The farmer – stunned that a potential president wanted an audience with him – said sure, but let me get my wife first.

And while the farmer was getting his wife, Mr. Reagan looked for a place to deliver his speech to the only two people that would be in the audience.  As Mr. Reagan noted, “the only spot I could find was on some land covered by what Bess Truman kept trying to get her husband to call “fertilizer”.”

The punchline of the joke is that the farmer ends the conversation by noting “I’ve never heard a Republican give a speech before!”, as Mr. Reagan replies with “and I’ve never delivered a speech standing on a Democrat platform before!” 

That word, “fertilizer” – and we all know what “fertilizer” is substitute for – “fertilizer” is the only word I can honestly come up with, to describe Night Two of the Democrat Convention.

Because every word out of Bill Clinton’s mouth last night, was pretty much exactly that: “fertilizer”.

Look it, I’m not stupid.  I’m not naïve.  (Well, most of the time, anyway.)  And I’d wager that most, if not all, of you reading this, are not mental midgets.  So I ask this with all sincerity: who bought that crap last night?  Who doesn’t know that the Clinton’s marriage is a marriage of political convenience, and not true unquestioned love?  Who doesn’t know this by now?

Because if you’re being honest, you have to admit -- if everything Bill Clinton said about his wife last night is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? 

Then why can’t he stay faithful to her?

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I have no desire to recap Night Two of the Democrat Convention.  For starters, it was an even bigger train wreck than I feared it would be coming in.  It was pretty much four straight hours of non-stop b*tching about how awful these people’s lives are, and how America has become some third world banana republic where everybody’s poor, everybody’s starving, and we have nothing to look forward to but misery, bigotry, and death.  Sorry Democrats, but you don’t get to make “we’re already great!” as your slogan about this nation, and then b*tch about everything you think is wrong with it non-stop for four straight days. 

And of course, as always at the DNC, the “piece de resistance” is giving nearly twenty minutes of (almost) prime time real estate to the president of Planned Parenthood, Cecile Richards.  I liked her mother, the late great Ann “Ma” Richards, the governor of Texas in the late 1980s and early 1990s, and I did genuinely smile and laugh when she channeled her mom at the end of her speech.  Unfortunately, for nearly twenty minutes before “what the hell took you so long?” came out in that missed Texas drawl, Ms. Richards praised the virtue and value of killing your child for convenience. 

Incredibly, having to sit through the Black Mothers Movement folks, and through a PSA for Planned Parenthood, doesn’t even come close to the worst moments of the night.  Those might not even rank in the top five, if I’m being honest.  We also had to sit through Alicia Keys b*tching and moaning about gun control while stalling for Hillary to get the video link going.  

(stevo sighing in disgust).

Alicia?  You guys have run the damned country for seven and a half years!  You had two years – two freaking years! – with control of the House, a filibuster proof majority in the Senate, and a President who would sign anything you sent to his desk.  And you had a Supreme Court that then (and now) has no interest in overturning what you rammed through!  You had EVERYTHING you needed to “fix the problem” if you wanted to!  I mean, what’s the excuse?  You could have passed anything you wanted to, and there was nothing the Republicans could do to stop you!

Lena Dunham.  Ugh.  I tried to give “Girls” a chance.  I lasted ten minutes of one episode before realizing this might be the single sh*ttiest show I’ve ever chosen to watch, and I am fully aware I have seen every episode of “Good Times” ever made.  Ditto “ALF”.  Ditto “Benson”.  (Pause).  On second thought, scratch “Benson”, that show was anything but sh*tty.  I fail to see what anyone sees in this woman.  I mean, this is what a role model looks like?  A role model is someone who all but molests her younger sister, by her own admission?  No thank you.

Elizabeth Banks.  In fairness, I actually thought she was funny.  Mocking “House of Wings”’s entrance was awesome.  I loved the “oh, yeah, I bought the fog machine from “House of Wings” for $30 on eBay” joke was hysterical.  So I guess there was one decent celebrity appearance.

I thought Meryl Streep was ok at best.  I’ll freely grant you, having to follow a speech by Bill Clinton is damned near an impossible task.  And I’m every bit as in the tank for Secretary Clinton as Ms. Streep is.  But to compare Hillary Clinton to Harriet Tubman just defies all logic and reason and common sense imaginable.  Ms. Tubman saved slaves and risked her life every day she lived it; Mrs. Clinton has to manufacture stories about dodging sniper fire in Bosnia to create risk in hers.

So there.  That’s your recap.  A bunch of celebrities acting all celebratory about the coronation of Madam Secretary.  Lather, rinse, repeat from any other DNC Night Two.

I’m just thankful nobody got up on stage and started barking like a rabid dog.  Because as Stevo’s Site Numero Dos’ Color Commentator Emeritus would note: “we’ve seen it before”. 

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Tonight, sadly, tragically, we will see greatness on display for the final time.

And no, I’m not talking about Barry.

I’m talking about the gaffe machine that is Joseph Robinette Biden.

Folks, do you realize this is it?  This is THE final time Joe Biden has the nation’s attention focused squarely and totally on him.  There is never going to be another campaign with Joe Biden as a part of it.  There will never be another debate with Joe Biden as a part of it. 

After eight years of “Stand Up Chuck!”, and “A Three Letter Word: Jobs!”, and “frankly, Hillary Clinton would have been a better choice than me!” and “Barack America” and FDR presiding over the stock market collapse, and “They gonna put y’all back in chains!” and “what’s the number again?” when plugging the ACA exchange website, after eight incredible, wonderful years of comedy, Joe Biden is giving the final speech of his life tonight.

I might cry when he’s introduced.  I probably will be crying when he walks away, although odds are it will be from laughing so hysterically at what he screws up this time. 

Please – if you believe in a higher power?  Please ask that higher power to give us one more instant classic, out of Joe Biden tonight.  Because there’s only one person who can top telling a quadrapalegic to stand up … and that’s the man who told a voter that "you literally cannot enter a 7-11 without an Indian accent".

And folks?  He wasn't joking!

God, I wish Biden had run.  I really, really, really wish Joe Biden had run.

But at least tonight?  For one last time?


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Tonight also, should be a night every person in our fine metropolitan area we call home should be tuned in, to see potential greatness on a national stage for the first time.

Because Rockhurst graduate Tim Kaine will accept the nomination for the Vice Presidency, and give the first major national speech of his life a little after 9pm CT tonight.  I frankly think this is cool.  We haven’t had a “local” connection to a national ticket in twenty years, since Bob Dole was the Republican nominee.  How cool is it that one of us, is a coin flip bet to be the next vice president?  I think it’s awesome. 


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And so, we reach Day Three.  According to Real Clear Politics (which other than Nate Silver, is about as accurate as they come), "House of Wings" is up seven points nationally.  He's carrying all four key swing states -- Ohio, Florida, Pennsylvania, and Virginia -- that will probably decide this election.

Tonight, we as a nation need to see the grown-ups in the room -- and I am fully aware of the utter hypocrisy of referring to Joe Biden as a "grown-up in the room" -- we need the grown-ups in the room to tell the Bernie b*tches to assume the position.  We need the party statesmen and women to LEAD.  And ideally not from behind.

Tonight is the night that Mr. Obama, Mr. Biden, Mr. Bloomberg, and perhaps most importantly, Mr. Kaine, need to save this candidacy, because this candidacy is the only hope to save the Republic.

I pray to every God -- every God there ever was, or is, or will be, and the universe entire -- that Mr's Obama, Biden, Bloomberg, and Kaine, are up to the task at hand.  Because it is monumental.

Last night was worse than "one step up, two steps back", as Bruce Springsteen would say.  Last night was forty five steps in abject retreat, without a thing to show for it.

Here's to praying this isn't 2004 all over again -- where the Captain Oats ( *cough ISIS cough* ) in the room is ignored, before it's too late to ignore it ...

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