idol season finale: the recap

Two days earlier than promised to boot! Hooray having no life ...

It’s usually my favorite night of the television year. I even blew off one of my best friend’s 30th birthday drink-a-palooza to catch as much of this live as I could.

I refer to, of course, the American Idol Season Finale. I can’t wait to recap this. More specifically, I can’t wait to watch this again, because this was two hours and eight minutes of pure pleasure. Let’s do this!

* For what it’s worth, I thought Lauren kicked Scotty’s ass and took names last night. Having said that, there’s no way Scotty isn’t winning this competition. It’s like season six all over again – Blake was better, but Jordin’s fanbase wasn’t letting her lose.

* For the final time this calendar year … THIS is American Idol!

* Mark Walberg, sleazy reality TV show host, in the house! Temptation Island, Paradise Hotel 2 … come on Mark, we need Paradise Hotel 3!!! If only to see how low and degenerate my favorite hotel resident, Zack, has sunk to. (You know you have a reality TV addiction if you “star” in Paradise Hotel 1 … and somehow weasel your way into Paradise Hotel 2. Uum, not that I watched every episode of both Paradise Hotel’s. Let’s move on.)

* Seacrest introduces our judges. In a slight preview of things to come, one of these three is going to perform an all-time classic, one of these three is going to shake her groove thing with her husband performing, and the third one is going to have a highlight reel played mocking his pathetic catch phrases he uses every week. Stay tuned.

* Let’s just say, there’s a helluva lot more people in the RBC Center for Team Scotty than there are in whatever the hell arena is in Chattanooga, Tennessee.

* We open with Lady Gaga being covered by the entire top 13! “Born This Way”! And this opens phenomenally well, with James doing some kind of a “I’m Barry Effing Gibb!” legkick. I love this show. Also love the closeup on Stefano saying “there’s nothing wrong with loving who you are”. Not quite as funny as when David Hernandez got stuck with the “To be bold and to be naked” line covering George Michael three years ago, but still humorous. (In case you’ve forgotten, Senor Hernandez’ day job was as a male stripper. Again, Jesus God above, I love this f*cking show!!!)

And if Haley’s skirt was any shorter, we’d not only know what color they were, we’d know if she had a landing strip or not. I’m guessing yes on said landing strip. She strikes me as someone who likes to have fun. Wait, did I just type those last three sentences? No sense editing it, I’m filter-free tonight folks!

Phenomenal! The Nokia gives a standing O, as do I! And we still have the Lady GaGa to go later on! Whoops, another spoiler. Oh hell, like it matters.

* Next up, James with Judas Priest! In hindsight, I should have included his Top 24 cover of Judas Priest in at least the honorable mention category on my 25 favorites from Season 10. (Also funny to me: when my dad is really, really pissed, he’ll scream “Judas Priest, Steven!” before unloading on me with all sorts of colorful language. Everyone else in my family, has no problem dropping the “Jesus!” blast. But dad? Nope, his “yup, you done pissed me off” moment of clarity is when he screams “Judas Priest!” 34 years later, it still never gets old. My folks are the best, and I honestly mean that, they really are. Hell, they deserve sainthood if they raised me and my brother. No wonder dad went grey overnight in the mid 1990s.

(Admit it, it’s the little “where the hell is he going with this … oh, now I see the connection” rants on this site that make you love it so much. I’m sneaky good like that.)

Have I mentioned yet that this is phenomenally good? Well, it is. Of course, they could simply be showing a dump truck unloading dirt on the stage right now, and I’d be loving it, but still, I am thoroughly enjoying the hell out of this so far.

And oh my God, it’s a twinbill! “Living After Midnight” running right into “Breakin’ the Law”!
And yes, when the police sirens just went off in this performance, I did do a quick glance out the window. Hey, you get hauled away from your home at 10pm on a Sunday night for failure to pay a speeding ticket, you pay attention to sh*t like sirens.

Judas Priest hits the road in June! I might have to look into how much that would set me back.

* And now for what had me literally spitting beer out from laughing so hard on the first viewing … our “memorable look back” at the “judging” from this past season. Trust me, you WANT to see this clip if it’s on Youtube! If only to see Randy completely torn to pieces.

Seriously, if you haven’t seen it and you know anything about this show, you will have tears streaming down your cheeks from laughing, that’s how damned funny the 2 minute “mock Randy Jackson” clip is.

Later on, JLo and Steven Tyler’s fond look back.

* Next up, Jacob Lusk and Kirk Franklin.

(Side rant! You know who Jacob reminds me of? My old manager Rodney from when I was in high school, and was working at McDonalds. In case you’ve forgotten Rodney, well … he was dumped by his lover on the “Jerry Springer” show in April 1995, and he won the Talk Soup “Clip of the Week”. By the way, his lover was another dude. Jacob reminds me of Rodney. I don’t think that’s a good thing. Although you bet your ass we had the VHS copy of both Rodney’s “Springer” appearance AND his “Clip of the Week” win on constant rotation in the break room for like two months afterwards.)

And we have a Gladys Knight siding! Good God, she’s gotta be in her mid 70s, and she looks absolutely fantastic! And her voice is as awesome as ever!

Jacob looks like me in the Lakefront Brewery. I’m not kidding, he’s grinning from ear to ear just eating this up. In his defense … I would be too.

Another phenomenally good segment.

* We come back from commercial with Casey doing “Fat Bottom Girls”! With Jack Black! This shouldn’t work at all … and yet, this might be the most enjoyable performance so far! Now all we need is some, uum, “fat bottom girls” to parade around the stage.

And just like that, bam! We got some! On bikes to boot! With really bright mini-skirts in neon color patterns. This is beyond awesome! In the words of my great ex-roommate, (dusty voice) I’d tap that.

God bless it, I love, I mean I freaking LOVE, the Idol Season Finale!!! That rocked the f*cking house!!!

You can check out Kung Fu Panda II this weekend. Uuh … no thanks.

* Next up, the top 13 ladies as Seacrest stalls for time. 32 minutes in, and Seacrest finally mentions that this is a results show. Wait, this is a competition? Anyways, here we go.

And they’re doing a Beyonce medley. Holy God, Asthton Jones looks hot. And how the hell did Thia Megia make the top 13 over Kendra Chantelle?

We opened with “Shoulda Put a Ring on It”, and then “Irreplacable”, by the way.

Oh. My. F*CKING. GOD! Haley has a garter on, and there is not even an attempt to cover it up. Excuse me for the next 22 seconds … and we’re back. What can I say, I’m a year older, I lost a second off my, uuh, staying power.

Sorry to say, I didn’t recognize the last Beyonce song. But now it’s “If I Were A Man”. And I gotta admit, I think Asthton Jones went home at least three weeks too early.

Ladies and gentlemen … BEYONCE!!! A huge pop as she comes out to do “Crazy In Love”!!!

Holy Lord. Yes, yes, yes! Yes, I’d tap that. Twice if she asked nicely.

Awesome stuff! A tremendous five minutes of television!

* We come back from commercial. Idols Top 11 arrives in KC in early August. Yes, I’m considering it. Next up, the judges tribute to Steven Tyler.

And it opens with Tyler emerging from the limo, holding up a blunt all of us who, uuh, enjoy a blunt now and then, are absolutely drooling over (I mean Christ, this thing is packed fuller than anything me and my friends have ever brought to a 311 or Snoop Dogg concert … uuh, not that I’ve ever inahled an illegal drug at a 311 or Snoop Dogg concert …), anyways, then Tyler goes, “I’m guessing you can’t show this on film” as he puts it up to his lips. So … he gets back into the limo, tokes, and opens the door, then exhales. I freaking love it.

And my favorite Tyler quote: “hell, fire, sage and matches, f*ck a duck and see what happens!” Given at the end of Scotty’s audition. Sweet Jesus, I love this show!!!

“Was I nervous about doing this? You bet your booty. And since we’re now talking about Jennifer …”

To Lauren: “you keep singing like that, you’ll be able to afford the rest of that dress”.

To some random auditioner whose name is Jake Muck: “you know what Muck rhymes with right?” The contestant, a little scared, replies “Duck?” Steven: “no, f … antastic!”

I’m telling you, the judges clips were the best.

* Next up, Haley and Tony Bennett! And yes, this was by FAR and away, my favorite performance of the night.

I’ll just simply say, Youtube! it. I can’t begin to do it justice. It’s that f … antastic!

They had so much fun up there. I totally dug this. Including the impromptu dance sequence. Absolutely dug everything about this.

“The big day may … be … to … night!!!”

Even on the results show, JLo is still faking her applause for Haley.

* Time to roast JLo.

Contestant: “how old are you?”
JLo: “young enough for you, don’t worry.”

Female contestant: “I think you are so gorgeous”
Randy: “well thank you, I shower, I shave, usually daily --
JLo: “for one time, can you just let me accept the compliment?”
(laughs all around)

Another great segment.

* Oh My F*CKING GOD! TLC! With Lil’ Jon! Holy God! Joined by the top 13 ladies too!

(Side note: when this came on last night, the “Voice of Reason” sent me what might be the single funniest text I’ve ever gotten. “And Andre Rison has just burned al davis’ house down. If you know what I mean”. Every Chiefs fan is laughing hysterically right now.

We open with “No Scrubs”, then into “Waterfalls”.

And yes, it scares me that Chilli has a far better looking stomach than me. Although in my defense, I have spent years working on the beer gut. And yes, it also frightens me that her, uuh, boobs are about my size too. Christ I’m out of shape. Unless looking like Peter Griffin counts as a shape. “Look at that side boob. Like that side boob? Well you shouldn’t, because that’s my side boob!”

Well that was three minutes I will have no problems forgetting ever occurred.

Good Lord, I’m not even halfway through this.

* Scotty and Tim McGraw! “Live Like You Were Dying”! THIS is gonna burn the house down! (Wait, after a TLC performance, was that too soon?)

Slezak’s funniest line today: “what was lower last night, McGraw’s hat or Scotty’s voice?”

I freaking love this song.

Although even if I was “living like I was dying”, there isn’t a shot in hell itself I’d “give forgiveness I’ve been denying” to deadbeat ex roommate. (dusty voice) damn skippy!

You know what makes this performance so damned good? Is that McGraw is deferring to Scotty on every big moment. And not just that … but Scotty’s up to the challenge. Awesome stuff.

Scotty looks like he’s having the greatest moment in his life. I am totally digging this. Good to see him loosen up and have some fun on the stage for once.

The end of this, he just has a goofy ass grin on his face, like “how did I ever get here?!?!” Incredible stuff. Incredible performance. God I love this show!!!

McGraw on tour this summer too! Damn, this could be a costly, costly summer …

* Ugh, the look back at the worst of the auditions. THIS … is why I refuse to tune in until Top 24.

There’s another three minutes I’m never getting back.

* Next up, Mark Anthony. Who, if Stefano is smart, is the exact type of artist he should be taking notes of while he performs.

In a related development, I really have to pee. Back in (chuck woolery voice) two and two.

* And we’re back, with a humorous look back at Casey and James’ eliminations, with each claiming their was worse. This actually isn’t half bad from an unintentional comedy perspective.

And a great ending with Pia.

* Next up, Casey, James, and the rest of the top 13 guys. Covering Tom Jones’ classics!!! Oh yeah, whoa whoa whoa, she’s a lady!!!

Wait, do you think “pussycat, I love you” is a metaphor? As in, drop the cat? Nah …

How about “it’s good to touch the green, green grass of home”? Another metaphor? God I hope so.

This is making me want to hop on the next flight to Vegas, it’s that good. And I’d settle for seeing Wayne Newton instead of Tom Jones.

Hell, I’d settle for seeing Gladys Knight at the Tropicana.

Ladies and Gentlemen … SIR TOM JONES!!!

“It’s not unusual …”!!!

Good f*cking God, someone has hit the tanning bed. And you know what? If I look this damned good in my 70s, I might finally get laid as much as I deserve to be. Of course, my performance would be drug aided, but what the hell. Wait, did I just say that out loud?

Awesome stuff!!! Woo Tom Jones!!! Excuse me, SIR Tom Jones!!!

* And we’re back from commercial, with a look back at our two finalists journeys.

Nope, scrap that, it’s a Ford commercial with our two finalists. Yes, I finally get to drop it, with about 50 minutes to go. Colonel Mustard, in the study, with the knife. They killed this.

(And for the love of everything that every religious person considers to be holy, please, don’t tell me I have to explain the “Clue” references. Please.)

Aw, their favorite teachers get a free Ford, plus up to $10k for their school.

And I’m not trying to be sarcastic – these two are still in high school for God’s sake. Seacrest: “you guys have hot teachers”. Oy.

Scotty hauls out his Price is Right voice with “a brand new car!” THAT was hilarious. Nice to see the kid does have a sense of humor after all. I would hope he does. Enjoy life kid, we’re certainly enjoying you.

And our finalists get the keys to ANY Ford vehicle they want! Suh-weet! I’d be getting me an Explorer, always liked that car. I might have driven the Blazer for years, but the Explorer is better.

* Ladies and Gentlemen … THIS … is Lady GaGa! And THIS … I cannot wait to witness. I mean, she showed up for her mentoring cession wearing heels that were literally a dildo of a very real quality. I cannot WAIT to witness what she does tonight.

(Plus, if you haven’t seen “The Golden Rule” from SNL this week, you have to. “It’s not gay in a three way! With a lady there’s some leeway! As funny as “D*ck in a Box” and “Mother Lover” were, I laughed harder at this one than the others. And yes, my sense of humor is a little bit out there, but this was damned funny.)

Uuh, I cannot do her outfit justice. Other than, she’s wearing a lampshade. And yes, in her own words, “there’s no reason I shouldn’t take you home tonight”.

(Side rant: remember how growing up, and granted, only some of my readers will, but remember how the most religious mom amongst us (and that would be Tim’s mom), was so full of disgust and hate about Madonna? About how “she’s the worst society can ever get”? Hey, I love Carolyn to death, and to this day, she’s the only Republican I’ve ever campaigned for … but really? I think we’ve sunk far lower than Madonna with Lady GaGa. And honestly? I can’t wait to see how much lower we sink as a society. It’s fascinating, in a “no wonder 5/6 of the world hates us enough to want to kill us” kind of way.)

And like Madonna, this chick has more talent in her left pinky fingernail, than I have in my entire body.

And yes, I am laughing my ass off at the obvious “phallic symbol” this mountain top represents.

And yes, if she’s got ropes on her, and she “shoots off” the top in a minute from now, it might be the funniest moment of my life.

Hang on, I might get my wish. Shirtless dude just came up to start dancing with her. I swear to God, if they go Peter Pan here and “launch” into space, it’ll be the greatest unintentional comedy moment of all time.

So far, just dancing. But “I’m on the edge with you!” Come on, it’s ok. Let it, uuh, go!

OK, shirtless dude is the luckiest dude in America, for at least a couple seconds. I would so love to have had that last scene with her.

And … the camera cuts away as he spreads her legs. God f*cking dammit! If this was on any network but FOX, we might have seen a money shot. Again, did I just say that out loud?

And … scene! As smoke “erupts” from whatever the hell the “mountain” was supposed to be. Good God, I need a long, cold shower. Back in “two and two” … ok, more like “five and five” …

* And we’re back. With Lauren? Opening a Carrie Underwood classic, “Before He Cheats”. Should probably note, any song that contains the word “frisky”, I love. “Frisky” is one of those words like “Dingy”, you can’t help but laugh.

Ladies and gentlemen … your season four winner, Carrie Underwood!!!

And all I can say is … I need 21 seconds.

Anyone who says this show is nothing but karaoke, uuh, I give you Carrie Underwood! Kelly Clarkson! Chris Daughtry! Jordin Sparks! Jennifer Hudson! Lee DeWyze! OK, bad choice there, but still. Carrie! Underwood! Holy God she is hot tonight! She’s in it to win it!

And like McGraw with Scotty … Carrie saves the huge moments for Lauren. This is awesome.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Idol at its worst is better than 75% of everything else out there. Idol at its best, is better than 99.99% of everything else out there. THIS … is Idol at its best!!!

Incredible! Can these two go out on tour this summer too, to officially bankrupt me? Please?

* Seacrest notes this is “our youngest matchup ever for the Finale”. Yeah. Their combined ages … are still younger than my actual age. Excuse me while I light myself on fire, fanatical Islam style.

(And no, I’m not apologizing for that. Sorry. Like Lou Dobbs noted when there was a taco crisis a few years ago, “sorry! The simple fact is, if you didn’t eat a taco last week, you didn’t get sick!” OK, that was a fake Lou Dobbs on SNL, but I’ll say it again: “sorry! The simple fact is, no Christian has ever hijacked a plane and flown it into a building with the expressed intent of killing everyone in said building!” If that makes me anti-Islam, then I proudly wear that title. Let’s move on before the religious right embraces me as one of their own, which I most assuredly am not and will never be …)

Top 13 looking back on the top 2.

Stefano: “so we have like two 6th graders in the competition, and they’ve kicked our ass”.

Stefano: “wasn’t American Juniors cancelled a while ago?” Zing!

Although jokingly, Casey accurately sums up my feelings about this Finale: “Thanks a lot America, for making us feel stupid!” Yup. Yup we are.

About 30 minutes to go. About 11 beers left in the 30 pack I bought yesterday. I think that’s enough. Maybe. Looking forward to finding out.

* Next up, Beyonce, doing her next single, “One Plus One”. I can’t help it, sorry. (president george w. bush voice) equals 3? Come on, I bash Barry far more than I bashed Bush. I hate incompetence on either side, especially on the left. Hence my utter contempt for Barry, and my mild despise for W. (And my daily prayer that Hillary sees the light, and gets in this thing before it’s too late. Although again, I’ll say it: Gingrich intrigues me. Really, really intrigues me. A conservative who gets it. I didn’t think there were any of those left anymore.)

Let’s just say, this single is underwhelming.

OK, ok, by popular demand ( aka “I just thought of it”), one more time this “Idol” season: Miss White, the rope, the billiard room. She’s killing this.

“Make Love to Me, When the World’s at War”. Well, at least Beyonce has her priorities straight. Somewhere, Jay-Z is springing upright in a hurry. I’ve given up asking if I’m typing out loud, I just assume I am.

* Commercial.

* And we’re back. Good God, we’re still 20 some odd minutes from results. Try outs in St. Louis and Denver next year. Oh Christ, it’s a Spiderman on Broadway composition, with Bono and The Edge. So, I’ll ask it: what’s the death count over/under for this, 1.5? I’ll gamble and say “under”, but like I said, it’s a gamble.

This … is not the last musical act I’d pick. But it’s not half bad.

We’ve got 15 minutes left. Gotta assume a commercial, then results.

* Hey, I called that! Maybe. Hey, it’s Steven Tyler at the piano! Doing “Dream On”!!!!

This is going to f*cking rock!!!

Say what you want about him, for being 60 and enjoying the life he has, he’s still one of the best in the business.

“Sing with me! Sing for the year!”

“Maybe tomorrow, the Good Lord will take you away!”

He’s still f*cking got it!!!

The remaining judges are as into this as I am!

You know what? That won me over. Bring this judges panel back!!!

* And … the results. It has to be Scotty.

For the tenth straight year, please welcome … Mr. Edward Bellington!

For the last time this year … “DIM THE LIGHTS, HERE WE GO!!!”

“The winner of American Idol Season 10 IS … SCOTTY MCCREERY!!!!”

Every person in the top 13 is cheering. It’s the right outcome.

Scotty is in tears. As I would be too. Job well done champ!!! Job well done!!!

Scotty actually looks happy. Good for him!

Seacrest: “Thank you at home for one of our best seasons ever!” And you know what? For once, I’m not calling bullsh*t on that statement. This WAS one of the best seasons ever. The ONLY season I enjoyed more than this was season six. And if Stefano had made top two, I might have liked this better. I mean, Blake was the “trailblazer” in season six. You don’t have David Cook, you don’t have Adam Lambert, without Blake Lewis in season six. And yet … has there EVER been a better top 8 than this year? Not just top 4, which I rated as Idol’s best ever. But top 8! Other than Jacob (who should have been Pia), flip a coin! Scotty, Lauren, Haley, James, Casey, Paul, and my rubber chicken Stefano, what a talent load! If season 11 is even HALF this good, it’s still better than pretty much every other season.

So thank you, Idol, for restoring my confidence in you. Thank you, Idol, for giving us some genuine feel-good stories to root for (Stefano surving the drunk driver hitting him, James overcoming multiple issues, Haley overcoming biased judiciating).

I’m so ready for season 11, I might finally tune in for the trainwrecks in the audition rounds!

(And for what it’s worth, Scotty’s debut single isn’t half bad …)