on second thought, no idol recap

sk: editor's note: I'm actually fine with Scotty in the finale. I hate that he sang the same damned song for twelve straight weeks ... but at least he hit the target for twelve straight weeks. That, and last night he was that good. But Lauren? Really America? THAT'S who you opt for? As I noted on Election Night 2008 to the, uuh, two DJ's on the couch -- "congrats, we're going to get what we voted for!!!", before inhaling a little and drinking a lot ...

As I kind of hinted at on Facebook, let me offer some belated congratulations to season ten, and some previous seasons as well ...

1. Congrats to Taylor Hicks and Katherine McPhee. Season five's finale is no longer the worst in "Idol" history. Also, you KNOW this year's finale is eight degrees of awful if I not only say Katherine McPhee's name, but Capitalize It to boot.

2. Congrats to Lee DeWyze, last year's champ, who no longer is the biggest joke of a champ in "Idol" history. Because no matter who wins next week, they won't have 1/55th the talent of Lee DeWyze, and won't have 1/115th the talent of last year's runner up Crystal Bowersox.

3. Congrats to Diana DiGarmo from season three -- you remain the best female runner up, no matter what happens next week. And even if Lauren wins, and somehow, that seems possible at this point, trust me chica -- Lauren Alaina isn't 1/1100th the singer you are.

4. Congrats to Kimberley Locke (season two), Elliott Yamin (season five), and Syesha Mercado (season seven), you now have a fourth in the running for "best third place finisher ever"! Honestly? Haley finishes fourth among you. But she's still better than anything that's in this year's final. (Just like Yamin in season five, and arguably Locke in season two).

5. Congrats to Idol producer Nigel Lithgoe, for getting this abortion of a finale that he wanted. I mean really, you could have spared us all the last four months and just gone to Planned Parenthood and sucked us out of the womb. Would have been far less painful, and certainly taken less of our valuable time away. Reminds me ...

6. Congrats to JLo for not offering one word of praise to Haley the entire f*cking time. While bowing down and slobbering all over Scotty's (you know). God forbid you be objective, unbiased, and actually do what they pay you to do, which is judge fairly the performers in front of you. Next up

7. Congrats to Randy Jackson, for taking the final chair into a depth of hell so unrespected, even Dante is laughing at you. The only person "in it to win it", we haven't found yet, because NEITHER of these finalist have earned the right to be here. You're a joke of a judge, a pathetic embarrassment of a musician, and the sooner you are fired, the sooner this show can regain its competitive barings.

8. Congrats to Jimmy Iovine, and I actually mean this -- every Producers Choice was on the money last night. Every year prior to this, the "Syesha Mercado Memorial Screw Job" was invoked. Jimmy gave every contestant a fair crack at it. Good for him.

9. Congrats to every 12 to 17 year old girl in America, for voting for Scotty. He sang the same god d*mned song every week for twelve straight weeks, yet you kept voting him through. Enjoy the next 40 years of your lives girls -- especially when you live the same boring, dull routine every f*cking day once you marry. At least you know what to expect when you say "I Do!" to the schlup who proposes. Also congrats to every 12 to 17 year old guy in America, for voting for Lauren. Trust me fellas -- when it comes to Lauren, she's the ultimate tease. She won't put out, she won't even play around, but you'll keep showing up every night hoping to get some. Trust me, you won't. And you won't buy any album she puts out either, because she's at best a mediocre artist who won't be heard from again after whatever mediocre single she debuts with. Finally ...

10. Congrats to "Idol" for making it ten years. I think it's kinda sweet that I've only erupted with rage at the finale twice. Season five, and season ten. I have to believe that means the next three seasons at least, we see a quality of Jordin Sparks, Blake Lewis, David Cook, David "Asshat" Archueta, Kris Allen, and Adam Lambert in the final two. Because if next year's finale is as piss poor as this year's, you can kiss this show's ass and cram it down the trash dumpster ...

(Don't worry, I will recap the top three, later. Probably tomorrow. I'm already 2/3 done with it, so it'll post. But suffice to say, Lauren's "best" performance on my recap was 6th out of 9. Yet she advances. Seriously, this show needs to visit Planned Parenthood and just end it. It can't be more painful than sitting through it's "growing pains" ...)