Editors note: this is going to be one painful post to, uuh, post. It’s undergone some editing since the insane, ridiculous, what the f*ck is America thinking results last night. But I said I’d post my top three recap. So here you go. However, I do NOT promise to recap the WORST Idol finale ever. (Sadly, that's true ... although it's because I bowl on Tuesday night. Otherwise, call my bullsh*t, you know I'd be live blogging the finale ...) Here’s hoping that quack preacher in California defies the odds, and the Rapture goes down tomorrow to spare the world this abortion of a matchup.
Well, it’s top 3 night. Scotty, Lauren, and Haley have somehow made it this far. One of these three totally deserves to be here. (Go figure, it’s the one who winds up getting booted. And please, spare me the “Scotty was always vocally sound” crappy argument that his defenders and voters use. Yeah, if I sang the same damned song for twelve weeks in a row, I might sound “vocally sound” too.)
Dim the lights, due the video, it’s what usually is my favorite episode of “Idol” each year, the Top 3 Performance Night!!!
The first 90 seconds is a quick video montage of the final three’s auditions, and a quick peak at their homecoming’s. And you know what? I totally dug it. I might be a cynical bastard at times, but anyone who’s ever watched a big Chiefs game that ends with a spectacular finish knows, I can be emotional at times. (Example: literally collapsing in my seat and crying for two minutes after “The Stand” to open last season. Yes, I cried. Deal with it. Real men cry … when their football team overcomes monsoon like conditions and somehow stops the Chargers offense on goal to go at the four. And I guaran-damn-tee you, I wasn’t the only person crying in their seat as Phyllis Rivers’ fourth down pass fell harmlessly to the ground).
Believe it or not, Randy is the worst dressed of the judges tonight. That’s the first prop bet I would have lost. You always take Steven Tyler against the field, right?
Seacrest promises us “two hours of great music tonight”. Yeah, right.
Performance show Tuesday, results Wednesday. Probably good I have bowling Tuesday night, so I don’t have to watch this finale.
Seacrest says our top three are “riding high” from their hometown visits. OK, who let Paul McDonald in the limo with the top three contestants?
Wow, words cannot describe how hideous Lauren’s first outfit is. But it’s bad. It’s a red velvety top with blue jeans. In the words of the great Phoebe Cates, “my eyes! my eyes!”
Mrs. Frank Drebin in the crowd! (They did marry in one of the Naked Guns right?)
Round one, contestants choice. Round two, Jimmy’s choice. Round three, the judges. And Beyonce is our guest mentor. Not a bad decision.
I’ll agree with Beyonce on this – this is the best Top 3 Idol has ever had. The only season that even comes close is season six, with Jordin, Blake, and Melinda. I just disliked Melinda more than I dislike anyone in this top three. So this is the best Top 3 yet.
Scotty up first, doing “Amazed” by Lonestar. In the interest of full disclosure, I became immune to this song, because it was “The Voice of Reason”’s ringtone when the now “Mrs. Voice of Reason” would call him back in the day. (It might still be the ringtone for all I know.) Anyways, in my initial reaction of performances, I rated this fifth overall (out of nine) on the night. And as I noted as well, I fully expect my second reaction to rank this higher. Let’s see if my gut reaction is right.
Wait just a damned minute, I must have missed this on the initial watch. (Guessing I was grabbing a beer). Scotty just said, and I quote, “I usually stick to the low range, but sometimes, it’s good to push yourself, to see how far you can go”. Really Scotty? Really? You’ve sang the same god d*mned song for twelve straight weeks, and JUST NOW you’re thinking it MIGHT be a good idea to “push your range”? And to think people wonder why I was so pro-Haley the last few weeks. God above. JUST NOW he’s thinking he might want to “face a challenge”. Ladies and gentlemen, the worst “Idol” champion in history, Scotty McCreery!!! (kazoo voice) !!!!!!!!!!!
(Which is not fair to Scotty. If Lauren wins, she’s the worst, and there’s no room for debate. You can legitimately argue Scotty is better than Taylor or Lee. And possibly Fantasia. My bad, Scotty. Still, God forbid you do one damned song that challenges you prior to the top three.)
Should note: I liked this performance on first listen.
And like I suspected, I like it a lot better on second listen. This is a rock solid performance. And by “rock solid”, I mean “I would absolutely spend $30 to listen to him at Voodoo Lounge”.
And I LOVE the final chorus. This is very, very good. And yes, I realize his backup singers were out of sequence, but his voice was that good. I like this performance. Very much.
Let’s go to the judges, who of course are fighting over who gets to verbally fellate him first. Steven wins the honor. Says he “kicked that song into the middle of next week”. I agree with Tyler, it was beautiful. JLo saying something about bravado. Not even God can understand her. Randy … drops that he recorded that song with Boyz II Men. “You put a period on the end of that like, Oh My God, that’s money! This kid’s got money Ryan!” To think Randy earns more in a night than I earn in a year.
Next up, Lauren, doing “Wild One” by Faith Hill. I initially rated this as the worst of the nine performances. I fully expect to hate this even more on the second listen, especially given the results last night.
And in my defense, this is WORSE on second listen. Really America? You voted for THIS over Haley? This is beyond pitchy, it’s out of tune, and she’s struggling for breath, to say nothing of struggling to hit a freaking note correctly. This is (chuck barkley voice) TURRIBLE.
She totally botched the ending to boot. Really America? You voted for THIS over Haley?
JLo calls her “our little baby”. Says she “created a moment”. Yeah, with Professor Plum, in the kitchen, with the knife. Randy up next. JLo is giving him a “don’t you dare criticize her” death stare in the corner of the camera shot. In Randy’s defense … if a chick ever looked at me like that, with the “I will cut your balls off if you don’t do what I want” look in her eyes, I’d be lying like Randy is right now about how great that was. Randy says this competition should be about “have a good time and have fun”. Uuh, no Randy, that is NOT what this competition is all about. This competition is about finding the BEST unsigned singer in America. If you want to have fun, sign up on “reputable singles site” or visit the Eclipse on a Friday night. Don’t disgrace yourself by giving a pitchy awful performance on “Idol”, ok? Tyler says she’s “so ready for America to be all over you!” (rimshot!)
Next, Haley, doing Led Zeppelin’s “What Is and What Should Never Be”. Gotta admit, entering this on the first watch, I figured this would be the trainwreck of the night. Instead … I was pleasantly surprised. On second listen? Let’s find out.
Beyonce on Haley: “She is a risk taker, because she didn’t pick a pop song or something that everyone knows. She has conviction. She makes you believe in what she believes in, which is a huge part in being a superstar.” Again, you actually question WHY I wanted Haley in the finale? God forbid ANYONE in this year’s competition borrow Hillary’s pair. Haley certainly did.
More Beyonce on Haley: “I think Haley is a rock star. Haley has a presence that even when she’s not singing, I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone like her.” And this woman is married to Jay-Z folks. She knows talent when she sees it, and she is verbally fellating Haley like she didn’t for any other contestant. And yet, the uninformed, ignorant idiot voting public rejected Haley for Lauren. Anyone who wanted a Lauren / Scotty finale must feel so proud of themselves. Congrats. Not even blind Obama backers were as mentally deranged as anti-Haley, pro-Lauren folks are. (And yes, that is a direct shot at “The Voice of Reason”. For once, I am right, and you are 110% f*cking wrong. That happens once in a generation, and I’ll be damned if I’m letting go of ending your 1,083,583, 847,656th consecutive “I was right, Stevo was wrong” streak”.)
I rated this second overall initially. Honestly? I doubt it will top my favorite initial performance. But I hope it holds onto second, because it was that damned good.
And yes, that is Poppa Haley on guitar. This is awesome.
Even the resident anti-Haley judge JLo is feeling this performance.
Her reaction to falling up the stairs? Awesome. Absolutely awesome. Admit it, you anti-Haley folks. You know damned well that Lauren would have come unhinged there. Haley not only recovered with a laugh and a smile, she got BETTER vocally afterwards.
She kicked ass and took names! And Randy gives her a standing O! As does Steven! (Not even remotely surprisingly, JLo stays seated). Randy exact quote: “you’re fearless! You chose a song that is not for the, uuh, weak at heart, I mean, this is Zeppelin dude, this is like crazy vocals, got your father on stage, this was one of your best performances EVER! Yo! Crazy, crazy!” (little caesar’s pizza voice) pizza pizza! “Ryan Seacrest! Haley’s in it to win it baby!” And yes, our first “in it to win it” of the night is given to Haley. But clearly, Lauren deserved to advance based on … sorry, someone fill me in. What exactly did Lauren do better than Haley? I’m still trying to figure that out.
Tyler with the line of the night so far, pointing out her trip on the stairs: “Haley, did you fall for me?” (laughs all around, including by me). “It’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up. That was superb!” Exactly. Let’s go to the resident Haley hater, JLo: “That was the sound of a professional, that was the sound of someone who knows what they’re doing up there, these people deserve more than that, and you gave it to them! … it was a good, good, good round for you, good round for you!”
Again, America took Lauren over this?
Seacrest: “OK, round one is over, who do you think won round one?”
Randy: “Round one, hands down dude, is Haley!”
Tyler: “She (Haley) got her freak on!”
JLo, visibly shaken: “Yeah, I’m gonna have to go with, uuh, Haley for this one as well, because, uuh, the moment was created … it was pretty special.”
Again, America took Lauren over this?!?!
Steven’s reaction to Scotty’s audition is priceless: “Hell, fire, seals, and matches, f*ck a duck and see what happens!” I love that guy. JLo is crying from laughing so hard at his reaction. As am I. I gotta remember that one. That’s priceless.
Jimmy chooses “Are You Gonna Kiss Me or Not” by Thompson Square. I rated this seventh overall out of the nine performances initially.
And as I suspected, this is much better on second listen. Having said that, I’d only move it to sixth at best … which would knock all three of Lauren’s performances into my bottom three. “Anyway” deserved a top six out of nine status.
Anyways, that was a decent effort out of Scotty. But not even close to his best of the night, which is yet to come (and honestly? As much as I wanted Haley to win the night and advance … I gave Scotty best performance of the night on the initial listen for his final song. And I gotta be honest, it’s gonna take one HELLUVA second listen to knock him to two. His last effort was that awesome in my (never) humble opinion.)
Next up, Lauren, doing the Band Perry’s “If I Die Young”. I rated this eighth (let’s just say, other than Haley’s next performance, I wasn’t a big fan of Jimmy’s choices. Actually, I was a big fan of the choices – he perfectly nailed what each artist should do. Only Haley and possibly Scotty got it right).
To Lauren’s credit, her outfit is much better for this.
On second listen … this might be worse than “Wild One”. One of those two performances is worst of the night, you can choose which one is.
(Again: America? You chose THIS over Haley?!?!)
This is horrendous. Not even Jesus would listen to this, although in his defense, if you believe that quack preacher in California, he’s gonna be pretty pre-occupied tomorrow.
(And to think people wonder why I refuse to step into a church for anything other than a wedding or a funeral. Cracked.)
The judges apparently like it, they’re clapping like it was good. It wasn’t.
JLo says that “you, Lauren, have the most beautiful tone of our finalists”. Uuh, I call bullsh*t on that critique. JLo explains away the obvious issues with the performance by saying she got “caught up in the honesty of the performance”. Really? I can’t wait to see if she rips Haley for “getting caught up in the honesty of the performance”. I’m guessing that won’t happen. I’m too damned pissed off to listen to anymore critiques of this disaster. Let’s get to Haley, covering what I thought was beyond an inspirational choice by Jimmy, “Rhiannon” by Fleetwood Mac.
(And a HUGE, I mean HU-YUGE, steve’s site numero dos shoutout to Jimmy for not screwing Haley over with an unwinnable song. I put her effort at “Rhinannon” third overall on first listen. I doubt it’s moving up, I liked Haley’s first performance and Scotty’s final effort that much. But thank you, Jimmy, for not screwing the “we want her to finish in third” contestant for the first time ever in this show’s history.)
Here we go. Haley, channeling her inner Stevie Nicks (a PERFECT choice), doing one of my five favorite Fleetwood Mac songs …
Thirty seconds in, and this is opening exactly like the version on “The Dance” reunion cd, which is the best recording of this song ever. If she takes this up-tempo in fifteen seconds, she’s gonna have another “Idol” moment, at least in this house.
And she does!
As much as I love this song, as much as I love this band … and believe me, I got mocked for two straight weeks by my roomies Vineet and Frank in college for non-stop playing this cd until they truly “got it” … I gotta move “Amazed” ahead of this on second listen. Scotty and Haley still take all five of the first five, but in a slightly different order. That underwhelmed on second listen.
I refuse to listen the judges bash this. The performance I rated as my favorite on first listen up next, Scotty covering Kenny Rogers’ “She Believes In Me”.
Have to be honest, again – I LOVED this performance on first listen. So much so that “The Voice of Reason”, a totally biased Scotty backer, replied “really? That’s you’re favorite?” Yes, yes it was. I love this song, and I totally dug this performance. I hope it holds up on the second time through.
And … this is even better on second listen. This is INCREDIBLE!
“And she believes in me! I’ll never know just what she sees in me!” I can think of at least three chicas in my life that line applies to. The most specific and important one of which is “the ex”. I still don’t get what she ever saw in me, but I’m glad she saw something I apparently don’t see.
JLo is totally into the performance, singing along. In her defense … so am I. THIS is an “Idol” moment!
In the words of Reggie Jackson … THAT was “second f*cking base!” Scotty is absolutely in the finale, and on that performance alone, he deserves it. THAT was awesome!!!
I cannot download that on iTunes fast enough. And it’s gonna be a minute before I stop rewinding to get to Lauren’s best effort of the night.
Lauren doing “I Hope You Dance” by Leann Womack. First listen, this was her best performance by far. I expect the second listen to support that.
And it does.
Finally, Haley doing “You Outta Know” by Alanis Morissette. She was screwed the second she changed the words, “Go Down on You in a Theater” to “Go With You to a Theater”.
So it’s a Lauren v Scotty finale. And you know what? As hacked as I was last night … I’m ok with it today. Look it, Scotty was the most consistent performer all year. Granted, he took zero risks, chances, or gambles … but you know what? You play blackjack with “The Voice of Reason” for an hour, he’ll p*ss me off by refusing to take a risk, chance, or gamble on anything other than a 10 or 11. Doesn’t mean he’s a bad player – he’s not. He’s rock solid. He’s just conservative with his money. Scotty? Is that guy who doesn’t double an 11 against a face, doesn’t double a 10 against a 9, and looks at you funny when you double a soft 17 against a 5 or 6. Doesn’t mean he’s wrong … but he might not be right. Lauren? The up and coming prodigy. Wins a couple big hands early … then sits on it to reach the final table in the tournament. Nothing wrong with that either.
What I hate though, is that the one who DID take a risk, DID take a chance, DID roll the dice every week, craps out one week short of where she should have wound up. So in closing this post, kudos to “Idol” for giving us the deepest Final Four since season six (and arguably the deepest Final Four ever), kudos to “Idol” for surviving the turmoil of the offseason … and kudos to “Idol” for still somehow, despite my rooting interests, giving us a Finale I’ll still TiVo. And a season finale I’ll be live for. Because I have to live blog at least one “Idol” this year, right? Right? (crickets chirping …)
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