idol top 12: the closer. just ... the closer.

Opening note: I type as I go. So when you read my initial impressions of what I expected from one performance tonight, just be prepared to be completely amazed at my 180 degree turn when said performance actually happened. I have NEVER been as shocked in a positive, good way as I was by one of last night’s acts. It was a performance for the ages. In a good, amazing, “this kid has a chance” kind of way. I literally rewound his performance for 30 straight minutes, I couldn’t get enough of it. It’s my favorite “Idol” performance since Blake reinvented “You Give Love a Bad Name”. And I never thought anything on this show could approach my feelings for that performance. Take a bow (read on to find out who). You freaking earned it.
----------------------

For some reason, “Idol” didn’t TiVo last night. Only four more weeks of bowling until I can watch this thing live and avoid any unfortunate cable and/or satellite provider idiocy.

(OK, ok, user idiocy).

So … since Channel 131 is down as well, I’ll have to Youtube! the performances.

According to Slezak’s column at tvline.com, here’s the set list, and I’ll just pull them up and watch them in this order, so if it’s not the same order as the actual performance, well … (milli vanilli voice) blame it on the rain.

Naima Adedopo: Tina Turner, “What’s Love Got to Do With It”. If she screws this up, there will be riot-like conditions in this column. I freaking love this song.
Paul McDonald: Elton John, “I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues”. Another potential riot-like condition if this is a trainwreck. The background music to my favorite scene from “Family Guy” ever. “I will be a dignified cripple! / Joe! I’ve been in a wheelchair for 45 minutes …”
Thia Megia: Vanessa Williams “Colors of the Wind”. This would also be known as the “bathroom break” portion of the evening.
James Durbin: Bon Jovi “I’ll Be There For You”. This has sick potential.
Haley Reinhart: Whitney Houston “I’m Your Baby Tonight”. Already embracing the adult entertainer side of her that she’s destined to give into.
Stefano Langone: Simply Red “If You Don’t Know Me By Now”. Apparently Stefano and I have a few things in common. Not sure that’s a good thing. Glug glug. Giggigy goo.
Pia Toscano: Whitney Houston “Where Do Broken Hearts Go”. They go to the local bar honey.
Scott McCreery: Travis Tritt “Can I Trust You With My Heart”. I have never heard one second of this song before.
Karen Rodriguez: Taylor Dayne “Love Will Lead You Back”. I’d have gone with my favorite by Ms. Dayne, “I’ll Be Your Shelter”. In a discussion of the most underrated … and the most drop dead gorgeous … singers of the early 90s, I’d take Ms. Dayne to win both categories.
Casey Abrams: Nirvana “Smells Like Teen Spirit”. Will he put marbles in his mouth for the verse?
Lauren Alaina: Melissa Etheridge “Am I The Only One”. I’d have gone with “Angels Will Fall” but I guess it is birth year songs, and that one came out in 2001. So ok, hopefully this is good.
Jacob Lusk: Heart “Alone”. Having not seen one second of performance at this point, I’m guessing this is who’s going home tomorrow. Dude, there are three songs on this show that are OWNED by a contestant. Blake doing “You Give Love a Bad Name”. Asshat Archuleta doing “Heaven”. And Carrie Underwood doing “Alone”, the greatest performance on “Idol” ever (and my second favorite, behind Blaker). This is not going to end well.

(seacrest voice) Dim the lights, turn down the music, here we go! Oh wait, that would be turn on the lights, turn up the music, and here we go!

* Naima: 14 likes, 9 dislikes on Youtube! That’s not a good sign. And the “sympathy” piece that occupies the first minute is irritating as hell. Let’s just get to the music already ok? Good grief, is FOX so hard up for semi-decent programming that we have to waste 90 seconds on puff pieces like this? (Yup). Notes her choice was a “big hit back in 1984”. (fake shock voice) No. It only jump-started Tina’s solo career, won every damned Grammy it was up for, made a perfect, concise, common sense argument in favor of casual sex that helped launch the care-free society we all enjoy today, AND gave us one of the best music videos of all time, but ok, “big hit” seems like a good description. I’d go with “career defining moment”, but that’s just me.

I’m torn here. I LOVE the vocal. I absolutely LOVE the direction she took this. But I HATE the background noise. The band is not doing her one ounce of favor. But the vocal’s that good. At least that catchy. I’d keep her around another week.

Note: unless the performance is jaw-dropping amazing … or Sanjaya-esque awful, I’m not listening to the judges comments. It’s my review, not theirs. That, and I’m trying to get this knocked out in time to get in a little breakfast and blackjack this morning before the tourney gets underway.

(I clicked back to verify my thoughts … and yes, I would spend $1.29 on iTunes for this. The vocal was that solid. But the band was that awful).

* Paul: another non-sympathy generating background story. Although at least I laughed a couple times.

OK, I’ll say it. He’s stoned out of his f*cking mind. He is absolutely baked on that stage.

For being baked worse than DJ or me at a Ben Harper concert, this isn’t half bad. Having said that, this was god-awful awful. We’re sticking around for the judges comments.

J-Lo: “It sounded good. You have so much soul, so much star quality, that you overcame that”. She blames this on the sinuses. No sweetie, it’s the pot. Just look at his eyes – always the dead giveaway that you’re toking. Yes, he’s toking. He’s (brewer and shipley voice) one toke over the line, sweet Jesus, one toke over the line.
Randy: “get the notes right”.
Steven: “you define cool dude and a loose mood”. That’s pretty much accurate.

I will not be buying that on iTunes. But I’d keep him around for another week.

* Thia: oy. Do I even have to review this? It’s a horrible song by a performer I can’t stand. You know what, f*ck it. Blogger’s choice, let’s just skip this and move on. I don’t care if she gave the performance of a lifetime, I don’t think spending 5 minutes watching this chick perform is worth it.

If you had 7:28am in the “Steve cracks his first beer of the morning” pool, congrats, you’re a winner.

* James: this has 26 likes, 5 dislikes. That’s a good sign. Kate Hudson in the hizz-ouse!

Now THIS is how you do a puff piece. Great background story. Probably good I’ve never been on a reality show, because my mom would totally make me look like a moron like his did. That, and the only reality show I’d ever participate in is “Big Brother”, and I don’t think America wants to see me sitting by a pool, shirtless, getting drunk at 3pm every day. Or do they?

(Actually, that’s not true – I’d do “The Amazing Race” too, if I was paired with “The Voice of Reason”, if only to watch us crap out on night one because neither one of us can drive a stick shift. There’s comedy, there’s high comedy, and then there’s “Gregg and Steve ask the neighbor to back a car up the driveway because neither one has a f*cking clue how to use a clutch”).

My only b*tch so far – if you’re picking a song from 1989, how can you not cover “Rush Rush” by Pauler? That’s an outrage.

Good God, is this song really from my sixth grade year? Gotta give it up to Carla Gugino – she was drop dead gorgeous in this video and time has treated her well, she’s still drop dead gorgeous.

This is really good. This is really, really good. He’s safe. And royalties off a $1.29 iTunes purchase richer. We’re sticking around for the judges again, this might be the best of the night.

Steven: mocking the opening segment. “Don’t get too poppy on me”. I think Stevo’s been hanging out with Paul backstage. James: “I don’t want to spoil Aerosmith until the finale!” Love the self-confidence.
J-Lo: has tears running down her cheek. Somewhere, Mark Anthony is jealous.
Randy: b*tching about pitchiness. I didn’t hear any pitchiness. Calls it “very tastefully done”. Remember that old ESPN the Magazine ad with KG and Marbury? “All nude. (pause) But tastefully done”. Good grief, I can’t remember what I had for dinner last night, but I can remember that.

* Haley: if she didn’t have a future working the 6 to close shift at The Shady Lady, I wouldn’t be watching this.

Diamond or Sunny. Keep those names in mind honey. Odds are you’ll be using one of them in a couple years.

Sorry, that’s it. I’m not even 20 seconds into this performance and it is so wretchedly awful, I have to pull the plug. Plus she’s not learned one damned thing from Haley Scarnato – this is way too conservative of an outfit.

* Stefano: 73 likes, 2 dislikes. This, I like.

And note: who gives a rip if the kid has a DUI in his past? Everybody effs up once or twice. Or in my case, 1,039,563,283,846 times (approximate). Which reminds me – avoid Westport tonight readers. The KCPD has this new mobile DUI unit that can process up to five drinkers at a time. God forbid our power-mad cops ever focus on where the drunks really are at Power and Light. No, let’s keep targeting where the responsible drinkers are, in midtown, Brookside, and Waldo. It’s ridiculous. I can honestly say, if I go out and pound six vodka tonics in an hour, I can easily make it home and I won’t even appear to be intoxicated. That 22 year old at Shark Bar? I’m guessing he’s much more of a danger on our roads than me. I hope whoever wins the mayoral election corrects this travesty of justice, and focuses the DUI patrols where they need to be: the (joe pesci voice) utes hangouts, and not the places the grizzled veterans of the drinking process frequent, like they currently target.

This is pretty good. Honestly, I like this better than the original. It’s not top ten of all time worthy, but it’s a rock solid effort. He’s safe.

* Pia: had a debate earlier today – I rank her second hottest Idol contestant ever, after the one, the only, the incomparable Kimberly Caldwell. “The Voice of Reason” had Underwood rated above her too. Sorry, can’t do that. She looks too much like a young Ali MacGraw to bump her down a notch. And yes, I realize 99.99% of the people who read this have no idea what a young Ali MacGraw looked like. Thanks again, mom and dad, for tossing my ass in front of a television to watch sad-sap early 70s movies as a kid! And again, I sadly mean that in a “no really, I honestly am grateful, really I am” kind of way.

Love how when Ryan kicks it to the screen to “find out a little bit more about Pia”, Stefano’s eyes just bulge out in a “sweet!” kind of way. I like this kid! You can almost picture the drool running down the side of his chin as this backstory unfolds.

Good God, this girl covered Whitney at age 5. Maybe she can handle Whitney tonight.

Her grandpa sounds like a great dude.

If you had 7:53am in the “Steve cracks open the second beer of the day” pool, congrats, you’re a winner!

Jimmy asking her to “show growth”. Uuh, I think her fanbase has no problems with that every Wednesday.

Oh. My. God. This is incredible. And I’m not referring to the camera giving us gratuitous shots of her, uuh, intimate areas on that extended high note.

Wow. Just … wow. Hang on, gotta relisten to this one.

Phenomenal. Absolutely phenomenal. Best of the night, by far, so far, and I totally dug James’ performance of Bon Jovi. This one blew his out of the water.

* Scotty: never heard this song before. I like this kid, he’s got talent, but dude – at some point, you gotta branch off the country if you want to win.

49 likes, 1 dislike on the video count. Solid.

Still have four performances to go after Scotty, three of which I’m dreading, two of which I’m debating skipping. (I’d skip Jacob, but he’s going to be so awful on “Alone” that I can’t tune it out).

This kid is 17, and his normal speaking voice is lower than anything I can speak. Oy.

Well, this song is pretty much the religious right’s response to “What’s Love Got to Do With It”. Having said that, this is a really solid vocal. I’m not a big fan of it, because I’m not really a country music fan, but this is a solid performance, if that makes sense.

* Karen: 0 likes, 0 dislikes. Apparently America loves this chick as much as I do.

Which means Hello Bottom Three once again! Or excuse me, since barring another stay of execution, Neil Diamond Radio goes kaput for the fourth time at midnight tonight, (neil diamond voice) Hello again. Hello.

Very nice outfit. Very attractive girl.

A perfectly mediocre performance. (neil diamond voice) Hello, my friend, hello. She’s in the bottom three. Although I liked singing the end of it in espanol. As someone who loves incorporating Spanish phrasing into everyday language, es muy bueno!

* Casey: this is either going to be one of the most epic performances in Idol history, or it’s going to be one of the most epically awful performances in Idol history. Don’t see a middle ground here going in. As the great, legendary Mr. Hugh M. Hefner would note, “I have no idea how the hell this is going to end, but this is going to be something REALLY special”.

Wait, I thought contestants couldn’t use instruments this year? On the other hand, doing this without a guitar would cheapen it. Good call to loosen the rules for (whitney houston voice) one moment in time.

Here we go. “Hello! Hello! Hello! How low? Hello! Hello! …”

And – (steve hitting the pause button) had to pause it entering the chorus – everyone, and I mean everyone, the audience, the judges, this blogger, dug the beginning verse. Everyone was nodding their heads, tapping their feet, knowing what this is building to. In the words of me to Dusty, “do NOT f*ck this up!” This next thirty seconds could be the greatest moment in “Idol” history. I’m just saying.

That, and every person between the ages of 25 and 45 (hey, that’s me!), this is THE defining song of our generation. It’s the song that launched alternative rock, it’s the song that launched modern music, it completely revolutionized the playing field. To take this one on? Takes balls of steel. There’s no “yeah, I thought it was ok” about this. Either the viewing public (mostly made up of us 25 to 45 year olds) will totally dig this next thirty seconds, or Casey’s going home tomorrow. (I guess that’s tonight, since I’m recapping this on Thursday morning). There’s no middle ground to be had. This dude might wind up being my favorite contestant since Blaker. And I never thought anyone could approach Blaker on this show for me. Balls of steel to take on the anthem of a generation. Especially one he’s not a part of. I’m just saying.

Here we go.

“A denial! A denial! A denial! A denial! A denial …”

Outstanding! Not greatest thirty seconds on “Idol” ever, that’s still Blaker beat-boxing to “You Give Love a Bad Name”, but that was epically awesome. Epically awesome. Hang on, that’s getting rewound a time or two.

Or eleven and counting.

That’s what music should be: epically awesome. Head-banging sweet. And completely original. Screw you modern top 40. Bring back the days when music was completely original, please. There’s a reason why nobody twenty years from now is going to remember one damned hit from 2009, 2010, or 2011, save for maybe whatever Usher puts out. And why every person watching this show knew exactly what was coming entering that chorus a couple minutes ago. Originality matters. Creativity matters. Quality f*cking matters.

(And that’s also the reason why satellite radio matters to me, and a rapidly growing population. You can keep your 23 minutes of commercials every hour, horrendously unfunny and not even remotely “shock jock” DJ’s, and playing the same five songs over and over again to yourself. I’ll happily pay $18.95 / month to have QUALITY music, commercial free, DJ free, just music from when music was good. Screw you top 40 radio. Screw you).

That, and we definitely have a pony racing to the front of the pack at the quarter pole. And said pony’s name is Casey Abrams.

* Lauren: how do you follow that? With Melissa Etheridge. Ugh. And I say that as a fan of our local hero. She’s an incredible musician. But Etheridge after Nirvana? Talk about getting screwed on drawing the order in which you perform …

Casey’s backstage interview is why I totally dig live music. The euphoria of nailing something (almost) perfectly. Great stuff. Like three years ago, when David Cook took on and reinvented “Hello” by Lionel Richie, that look with about 20 seconds left in the performance as he entered the final chorus, the eyes, the “f*ck yeah I nailed this” sh*t eating grin. Not sure what I’m going for here, other than I love seeing people take a chance and have it work out for them. And tackling the song of a generation is a HUGE risk. Balls of f*cking steel.

Lauren looks rattled, and she hasn’t even started yet. She’s apparently sick. She’s handing out masks. And this is so hokey, so ridiculous, I’m ready to move on. But I like Melissa Etheridge, so I stick with it.

She was born my senior year in high school. Excuse me, I need to go treat myself like a couch in West Virginia if they win today (aka light myself on fire). Good God. 1994! Contestants on this show born in 1994! She gets the old chick in “Gone With the Wind” Memorial Award from this competition. “She’s half my age! She’s half as old as me! How did we EVER get here?!?!” And her folks look my age?!?! I don’t know much, but I do know this: growing old sucks ass.

(Seriously, senior year in high school! Am I really this old?!?! (dusty voice) yes! Now shut up and get back to the recap Stevo!)

This starts out really well. If she’s sick, she’s masking it well (rimshot!)

When she gets to the chorus, you can tell the voice isn’t all there. But this is still a really good effort. She’s safe.

One to go!

* Jacob: let me state three things up front before I recap this. (1) “Alone” is a song that should never, under any circumstance, in any situation, be sung by a dude. It’s just creepy and really pathetic if it’s sung from a guy’s perspective. Dude, it’s called “The Eclipse”, go there and you won’t go home alone. You might puke when you wake up and see what’s next to you in the morning, and you might have a burning sensation for the rest of your life when you pee, and there’s a decent chance you’ll be at a Planned Parenthood with cash in hand about six weeks later, but you won’t go home alone. (2) there are only two chicks allowed to sing this song, Ann Wilson and Carrie Underwood, and (3) you have zero, zip, nada chance of even coming remotely close to Underwood’s version of this, which pretty much won her “Idol” when there was still nine weeks to go, she was so phenomenal. Even I call it the best performance in Idol history, and I’m naturally biased against anything that wasn’t done by Blake Lewis. Having established that, here we go.

And having established that … I like the opening. I really like the opening. He’s doing a completely different version of this song – higher octave, different pace, so far, so good.

He also didn’t do the entire first verse. Might be a mistake. If he’s gonna focus on the chorus, he’s toast with strawberry jam on it.

Good Lord, his face entering the chorus, he looks like he’s passing a kidney stone. And that’s not a good thing.

Holy freaking God. Hang on.

(steve rewinding the performance).

Take everything I said in the opening paragraph of this guy’s recap (save for the parts about the Eclipse, those are universal givens), and completely erase them from your memory. And please, take everything I said about “if he’s gonna focus on the chorus, he’s toast with strawberry jam on it”, and pretend I never typed that phrase twice in the same post.

THAT was amazing!

That might be top ten of all time performance wise, it was that amazing. He absolutely took that chorus, that song, and dominated it like Zeus humping the couch. Chew toy in mouth. He absolutely nailed that! Hang on, this might get rewound more than Casey’s cover of Nirvana did.

Hang on …

(steve buying single on iTunes …) Absolutely perfect.

Holy God. Incredible. That was absolutely incredible. How does that only have 2 likes on Youtube! so far? That was a (reggie jackson voice) second f*cking base performance! Absolutely amazing!

And yes, I know he f*cked up switching octaves in the chorus. I know his voice gave out there for a second. Who gives a rat’s ass? He NAILED that. He absolutely freaking nailed that! He swung between four effing octaves from verse to end of chorus! He pounded that like Zeuser pounds a Beggin’ Strip! Wow. Just … wow.

(steve giving a standing ovation)

Hold on, I’m not done.

(steve continuing standing ovation)

THAT was epic. That was absolutely epic. What a way to close the top 12.

Also love how Jacob kind of tears up when he finishes. Hey, when you give a Pantheon performance, one that ten years from now will be making the “top 10 of all time” lists regarding this show, it’s cool to show emotion, at least with me. Take a bow sir, you more than earned it.

Randy: “genius”. Exactly. That’s a perfect phrase for what we just witnessed: genius. That, or perfection.
Steven: “your mama may not have been able to sing, but she gave you the moxie that makes you what you are right now”. I’m telling you, Youtube! this thing. It’s that epic of a performance. Hell, I’ll Youtube! it for you, just click, sit back, and prepare to clap like a trained seal.
J-Lo tearing up again. In her defense, that was beyond epic.

And if Casey is the pony racing to the front of the pack at the quarter pole, Jacob’s sprinting to the lead in the greyhound race …

Best performance: Jacob. Not even close. Well, ok, Casey was good, and so was James and Stefano, but holy freaking God, NOTHING is touching what Jacob pulled off. Nothing.

Worst performance: Haley. I couldn’t stay tuned in for twenty seconds of my favorite Whitney song.

Going home: Thia or Naima. I’d bet the family farm on Naima.