idol top 13: the delayed review

Yup, it’s time once again to hop on board the “Idol” express.

I tuned in for the first time last week, for the top 12 guys, girls, and results. And I meant to recap those … only, I was dog-sitting for a buddy last week, and my laptop couldn’t access the blog (stupid work restrictions). So … here we go.

For what it’s worth, the three contestants I like the best so far are Pia, Stefone, and Scotty.

And I like the new judging panel, again, so far. Although Steven Tyler’s outfits frighten me.

So, in the words of my most hated band ever, (black eyed peas voice) “Let’s get it started in here!”

We open with Seacrest and the familiar “THIS … is American Idol” stage gag that still cracks me up nine years later. I know this is season ten, but I honestly don’t remember if Ryan or the late Brian Dunkelman had the honors in season one. (OK, I know Dunkelman isn’t late, or dead, well health wise, his career pretty much is, I don’t think he’s had a role since playing a murderer in one of “NYPD Blue”’s final episodes. Anyways).

THIS … is your top 13.

Also meant to say, I love how in the intro theme to the show, they show all the past winners … only instead of Taylor Hicks (season five), we get the dude who finished in fourth, Chris Daughtry. And you know what? I’m cool with that. Anyone who invests three months a year in this show (aka me) knows that the final in season five should have been Daughtry and Elliott Yamin, and Taylor and “Steve’s most hated Idol contestant ever” were the most illegitimate finale ever.

Sweet Jesus, Tyler has his shirt tied at his waist. Yes, it’s tied. Sweet Jesus.

Is it a good sign that I’m only 1:18 in, and already down one frosty cold Coors? (I say yes).

I kind of like doing the recap the day after. Although I love live blogging this show. Once bowling is over, the recap will be much more timely.

Pausing the TiVo while I crack open Coors Numero Dos. (Yup, the Banquet. Someone has to drink it. Why not me).

Didn’t recognize any celebs or alumni in the quick audience shot. Must be a light week for movie and album releases.

Holy God, how much lipstick does J Lo have on? I only mention this, because (a) it’s a lot, and (b) I’d have taken Steven Tyler in the “who wears the most lipstick tonight” prop line.

Seacrest: “Now, let’s unleash the talented individuals who are fighting for your votes”. Well, 12 talented individuals, and the token “hot as hell yet vocally challenged chick named Haley”.

And yes, I hope this Haley chick plays out exactly like Haley Scarnato from a few seasons ago, who every week kept coming back in a shorter skirt and more revealing shirt. My ex-roomie Dusty, who is not a fan of this show, got stuck watching it with me one night and noted about Ms. Scarnato: “she’s got stripper potential!” Yes, yes she does. Anyways, back to the show.

Actually, 11 talented individuals. I forgot that Ashthon somehow got the judges vote last week. She’s atrocious.

Tonight’s theme is “our Idol’s personal Idol”. Oy.

Not sure what I’d really love to hear tonight. I mean, some theme nights lend themselves. Like Kris Allen doing Donna Summer’s joyous praise of prostitution, “She Works Hard for the Money”, two years ago. That was comedy at it’s finest. (And a damned good performance). And sometimes the whole field just rocks the house (Bon Jovi Night on season six, gave us two of my ten favorite Idol performances ever).

Tonight? My only hope is Stefone does something Billy Joel (because he’d nail that out of the park), and Scotty has to tackle Garth Brooks (my choice: “The Thunder Rolls”), although Garth is probably too obvious for him. Oh, and let Haley tackle anything that requires slinking around the stage in various stages of undress. Because yes, just like Dusty noted about Ms. Scarnato four years ago, “she’s got stripper potential!”

Lauren Alaina is up first, doing Shania Twain’s “Any Man of Mine”. She says that Shania was the first chick to “mix country and rock together”. Uuh, Reba McIntyre’s on line two, demanding you retract that statement sweetie.

Am I the only one who thinks Lauren looks like Penny from “The Big Bang Theory”? Sure, about 30 lbs heavier, but in a cute kind of way. Wait, am I actually drooling over a 16 year old? Oh my God.

Anyways, she’s ready to sing. I guess I’m ready to listen.

This … is hideous. At least until the chorus. The chorus isn’t half bad.

Oy, it’s collapsing at the end. This is bottom three. I can say that without any qualifications, and she’s the first one up. There is no way there will be three worse performances than this tonight.

Tyler: “wish that had been a little bit more kick ass”
J Lo: nothing of value.
R-Dog: “we want that girl we first saw”

Moving on. Or not. Holy God, that exchange between Tyler and Lauren was just about the creepiest thing this side of “To Catch a Predator”. “Oh baby, I love the way you sing!” as he leans back in the chair and the shirt is conveniently unbuttoned. Wow. Just … wow.

(I am loving the addition of Steven Tyler to this show!)

Now we’re moving on, to …Casey and Ashthon, after the break.

One of them doing Joe Cocker, one doing Diana Ross. I’m guessing Casey is doing Joe Cocker. At least, I hope he is. Although Ashthon looks scary enough to cover Joe’s deep range.

Casey doing “With a Little Help From My Friends”. He says he first heard it on “The Wonder Years”. Awesome show. This guy might be worth rooting for. I love Casey’s self-deprecating humor.

In the words of … well, me, to Dusty last Friday night: “Do not f*ck this up!” I repeat those five words now. I love this song, Casey. Do NOT f*ck this up.

Hang on, grabbing beer number three, just in case he does, uuh, f*ck this up.

(approximately 90 seconds later) Hang on …
(steve hitting rewind button)
(approximately 90 more seconds later) Hang on …
(steve hitting rewind button again)
(approximately 90 more seconds later) Holy sh*t.

THAT was a performance! Wow! Just … wow! That was amazing. I had my doubts in the first part because I thought his voice was too high … but it perfectly set up going low on the chorus, and sneaking in the high range at times too. That’s the best performance this show has seen since the Season Eight finale. Absolutely awesome!

God bless it, that was incredible.

J Lo climaxing on live television.
R-Dog happy to be grabbed by J Lo.
Tyler: “you are a rainbow of talent, you are a plethora of passion”. I’m guessing Steven is one of the friends Casey got “high with”.

How do you follow that? With Ashthon Jones doing Diana Ross’ “When You Tell Me That You Love Me”. I … have never heard of this song. Oh boy. Here we go.

To be fair, it’s not half bad. But following Casey, it’s a bad spot to be in. Solid middle of the pack performance. She should survive to face another week.

R-Dog: “I kind of liked it”. My thoughts exactly.
Tyler: “I got confidence in you”.
J Lo: “You’re so elegant up there”. I think she channeled her inner Pauler there.

We’re headed to commercial. I’m headed to the fridge for beer numero quarto. And we’re not even 30 minutes in yet.

Paul up next, doing Ryan Adams. THIS has potential. I love Ryan Adams. He’s doing “Come Pick Me Up”. Can’t wait to see how they censor this, there’s a few, uuh, “naughty words” in the unedited version of this song.

Although I wish he’d done “When the Stars Go Blue”. That’s Ryan’s best effort ever. Well that, or I really love his cover of Oasis’ “Wonderwall”. Or “Two”. Anyways, here we go.

To Paul’s credit, he sounded as stoned as Ryan usually does. He also did a damned good cover. This has “download on iTunes this week” potential.

Tyler with some back-handed compliments.
J Lo: “you’re so unique, I hope America gets it”. She “doesn’t know Ryan Adams”. Oy.
R-Dog: “I love this kind of thing (music wise)”. Agreed, so do I. It’s right in my wheelhouse.

If they get another “pick whatever the f*ck you want week”, Paul better cover Ben Harper’s “Burn One Down”. This kid can cover stoner music really well. Not that I’d know what it’s like to listen to music while you’re stoned, no sir, never done that before … (lightning bolt from God hitting my apartment for that blatant lie …)

Pia up after the break. She is by far and away the best chick in the competition.

Meant to say earlier, I love the “backstage interviews” this year. Great addition.

Good Lord, Pia is hot. Good Lord, she is hot.

She’s doing Celine Dion’s “All By Myself”. Which actually is by Eric Carmen, originally. Come on, I gotta do it …

“Turn the radio up! For that sweet sound!
Hold me close, never let me go!
Keep that feeling alive! Make me lose control!”

OK, Pia on the stage, aiming to “make my dad proud tonight”. Hey honey, if I ever brought you home, I know my dad would be proud. (rimshot!)

She looks so much like Ali MacGraw in “Love Story”. So freaking hot.

And so freaking talented. Holy God, this is good.

Kinda fell apart at the end, but definitely an upper echelon performance tonight.

J Lo: “We Love you Pia”. Yes. Yes we do. J Lo is literally speechless. Uuh, it wasn’t that good, but it was solid.
R Dog, with a solid point – this chick can nail the big three (Mariah, Whitney, Celine). She’s got Finals potential.
Tyler: “Happy International Woman’s Day Today … you just slammed it, that was beautiful”. You gotta love it.

James and Haley after the break, doing “some rock and country”. Oh crap.

Seacrest welcomes us back to “our Top 13 extravaganza”. Hey now! Tony Bruno on line three demanding royalties for using the word “extravaganza”.

James picks Paul McCartney. Uh oh. McCartney is my musical Idol. And he’s doing “Maybe I’m Amazed”. Here we go.

(steve post performance) Oh boy, hang on.
(steve hitting rewind button)
(approximately 90 seconds later) Hang on.
(steve hitting rewind button)
(approximately 90 seconds later) Holy sh*t.

Another epic performance. He absolutely drilled that one out of the park. That honestly was better than Casey’s earlier performance of a Beatles classic (somehow, the one Beatles original where the rip-off version was better, Joe Cocker’s cover was that awesome). That was incredible. So we’re up to what, 6, 7 contestants now that I can legitimately see winning this thing and/or that I root for? Deepest field since the Jordin / Blake season four years ago, definitely, when five of the top six (Jordin, Blake, Melinda, LaKisha, Chris) could have legitimately won.

Oh, and as one of the last four straight males in the world that still rocks the sweater vest … keep rockin it James! Woo sweater vest!

R Dog: “I love these voices that can sing anything”. Bingo.
Tyler, after a standing ovation: “You have taken everything we thought about you and kicked it into the middle of next week”.
J Lo, laughing hysterically: “Let ‘em clap baby! Let ‘em clap! And get used to it!” Bingo.

I gotta admit, this dude is growing on me pretty quick. Blake is still my favorite Idol ever … and this guy has a LOT of Blaker qualities in him. I’m just saying. I might be a Durbin Turbin, or whatever his fan base is called. This kid NAILED that song.

And our stripper to be, Haley, takes the stage next! Covering “Blue” by LeAnn Rimes. Oy. This has trainwreck written all over it. Hang on, time for cerveza numero cinco.

WHOA! Hang on here a second! She’s working with Rock Mafia … and they’re both white?!?! Hang on, the room is spinning … seriously? Rock Mafia is white?!?! I am in a state of shock and awe right now.

Anyways, our future featured entertainer on the main stage at the Outhouse, where your skuzzy DJ reminds you that “it’s just a buck, so what the f*ck!”, takes the stage now.

Oh my God, what an awful opening. And it’s tanking fast.

Although Steven Tyler’s into it. I’m guessing he’s picturing “tipping” her as a “waitress” someday.

Well, Lauren’s off the hook, this song is worst of the night at this point. I am “blue over you”, because my ears are barking. That was a horrendous performance. And yet, like Ms. Scarnato a few years ago, she’ll survive on looks alone.

Tyler: “that was beautiful”. In a trainwreck kind of way.
J Lo: “you do things with you voice that are so diverse”. Yeah, like inciting riots over your lack of talent.
R Dog, laughing out loud at her. He can’t even deliver his critique without laughing. “It was a little sleepy”. No, you’re wrong – not even a newborn could fall asleep to that abortion of an effort.

J Lo notes Haley has a “sexy quality to her on the stage”. See! I f*cking told you! Come to unincorporated Douglas County chica, I’ll “tip” you well …

Jacob up next, covering R Kelly. Oh no, it’s “I Believe I Can Fly”. Dammit. If you’re gonna cover R Kelly, you have to do “Bump and Grind” right? “I don’t see nothin’ wrong / With a little bump n’ grind!” Damn skippy. (Reason 1,093,283,358,373,583,928 why I will (possibly) be the worst father ever someday: I don’t see nothin’ wrong with a lil’ bump n’ grind).

Hang on – what the hell is that thing around his neck? A scarf? A towel? I mean, it’s … it’s not something any normal dude would want to be photographed wearing, that’s for sure. It’s almost as hideous as that “Brent wearing the t-shirt turban” pic from the 311 / Snoop Dogg concert 2 ½ years ago. That, or the “P Funk Gonzo” coloring that hung on the fridge for half a decade. (Yes, I miss the P Funk Gonzo pic. And the “what the f*ck, it’s 2am, we’re drunk, we’re in Vegas … I know! Let’s play Bingo!” cards from the Frontier that hung proudly next to P Funk Gonzo. Who says being (definitely) drunk, (possibly) baked, and (beyond the shadow of any doubt) addicted to gambling is a bad thing? Not me …)

OK, Jacob covering R Kelly’s verbal fellating of Michael Jordan. I’m guessing it will be as sloppy as it promises to be.

Wait, this guy is one of the six best men in the competition? Christ, I can out-sing this guy! As anyone who witnessed my covering “Sweet Caroline” at the Halloween Bash can attest. Holy crap, he’s gonna keep Haley in this competition, this was that awful!

(Every straight male who watches this show standing and applauding at Haley sticking around another week due to awful Jacob performance …)

Tyler: “I can’t even judge it”. Yeah, we’ll go with that.
J Lo: “It’s very hard to judge you”. No it’s not. You suck. (old school mtv game show voice) Next!
R Dog: “You have such a signature sound”. Yeah, and it’s not a good thing in this case.

After the break, Thia taking on … Michael Jackson. Oy. This won’t end well, I’m calling it now.

Good God, there’s still 45 minutes to go. Fast forwarding the commercials, that’s what, 34, 35 minutes? Yikes.

She’s covering “Smile”. Tough to top Jermaine Jackson’s cover of it at the funeral, but let’s see what she can do.

I’m thinking of two words. One is “awful”. The other rhymes with “mucking”. This … is horrendous.

Lauren and Jacob and Haley are off the hook. We have a new deadbeat on the block, and it’s Thia.

R Dog: backhanded compliments.
Tyler: “You gave it up, thank you”. Ooh, talk dirty to me!
J Lo: “your range was interesting”. Aka “enjoy bottom three status chica”.

She sounds defeated in the interview with Seacrest. As well she should.

Next up? An East Coast / West Coast showdown with Stefano and Karen. Uuh, ok? Who’s Biggie, and who’s Tupac?

Up next: Stefano. Awesome, love the guy. And he’s doing “Lately” by Stevie Wonder, arguably his best song ever. (And awesomely covered by Jodeci in the mid 90s). Come on champ, nail this. Nail this!

Hang on, I’m pausing this to grab beer numero six in case it bombs. Because this is an amazing song when done properly.

Whoa! He’s taking it up tempo! Interesting …

Awesome. Absolutely awesome. Hang on.

(steve hitting rewind button)
(approximately 90 seconds later) awesome.

Absolutely outstanding!

(steve standing and clapping)

That’s not a song that should be up tempo … and he totally pulled it off.

J Lo and Tyler echoing my thoughts exactly. “This isn’t a dance remix … and yet, it worked!”
R Dog: awesome performance. Yup, my thoughts exactly.

3 performances to go, and Scotty’s one of them. Suh-weet!

Next up is Karen. She’s covering Selena’s “I Could Fall in Love”. Good song. Curious to see what she does with it. Especially since the chick that played Selena in the movie is on the judge’s panel.

That … is not what you would call a good effort.

J Lo hopes she makes it to next week.
Ditto Randy.
Ditto Tyler.

Next! And thankfully we’re down to two, one being Scotty, who I can’t wait to hear …

Scotty’s next. It has to be Garth. Has to be.

And … it is! Doing “The River”. Really good choice. This could be an instant classic.

Come on champ, nail this …

Amazingly … that was completely underwhelming. Very disappointing. Thought it was an octave too low. It’s not bottom three awful … but that was not the best he can do. Not even close.

(Which means the judges will probably slop it up)

R Dog: “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”. Exactly. “Don’t change it! I love it!” Yikes.
Tyler: “you’re riding high”. Hey, he’s on “the couch” back in the day a couple years ago!
J Lo: “you’re taking us on the ride with you”. Sweet!

It was decent, but it’s not top three.

We have one performer left, and her name is …Naima. Who?

She’s covering Rihanna’s “Umbrella”.

Uuh … bottom three potential? Not her best effort.

So with that … here you go.

My Top Three:

1. James, Paul McCartney “Maybe I’m Amazed”
2. Paul, Ryan Adams’ “Come Pick Me Up”
3. Casey, Joe Cocker “With a Little Help From My Friends”

My Bottom Three:

3. Karen, Selena’s “I Could Fall in Love”
2. Thia, Michael Jackson’s “Smile”
1. Jacob, R Kelly’s “I Believe I Can Fly”

Prediction to go home: Thia. Yes, it was that awful.