idol top 11: last week wasn't a fluke!

Cut the music, dim the lights, here we go.

Idol Season 10, Top 11. Motown night. God forbid when we recycle themes that we get another Bon Jovi or (please, dear Jesus) Neil Diamond night.

First up, Casey Abrams.

(And yes, I see Liv Tyler in the audience. Excuse me for five minutes … ok, four … ok, ok, honesty compels me, excuse me for 23 seconds …)

* Casey: Marvin Gaye “I Heard It Through the Grapevine”. Up front, this seems like a very underwhelming choice. Let’s see what the video has to say.

“Let’s unleash the beast”. For Christ’s sake Seacrest. For Christ’s sake.

Awful beginning. Good God dude, it’s Motown! Don’t screech like Joe Cocker.

It’s starting to recover when he hits the chorus.

Love the orchestra on the judges table. Nice touch as he moves through the crowd. This is recovering quite nicely.

And he blows it with a horrendous finish. C- at best. He could be in some surprise danger here if a few of the middle of the packers step it up tonight (I’m looking at you Paul, Jacob, Lauren and Stefano).

Tyler: “you’re the perfect entertainer, perfect pitch, a perfect mix of crazy ass out of control ego!” Actually … I can buy that. Although that was not “on pitch” for the entire 100 some odd seconds he performed.
J-Lo, looking beautiful in a shiny pink top tonight. She can even make the blue eyeshadow work, wow. I … I need another 23 seconds hold on. “You might be the guy right now”, praising his uniqueness. Good God, is that two straight judges comments that are perfectly stated? Hang on, we hit three in a row, someone get Guinness on the phone, I’m not sure this show has ever hit 4 straight before …
R-Dawg, and yes, I am quoting this verbatim. “We tell every artist that comes out here to do you. And you know what’s so perfect about you? Is that you can do you!” Brilliant.

(awful mtv game show voice) NEXT!

It’s Thia, doing “Heat Wave”. I love this chick so much, I am so rooting for her, that I refused to watch last week’s performance in an effort to “catch up”. F*ck, can’t do that two weeks in a row for someone not named Sanjaya or Katherine McPhee. (dammit! Just used her name for the first time ever on this site! I hate you (expletives deleted)! I (expletive) hate you!!!)

Says that last week was a “tough week for me”. Yeah. Same for everyone who listens to you sing, honey. What, too soon?

(Reminds me, funniest two one-liners of the night: it’s Wednesday, so we’re bowling. DJ tosses his first ball in the second frame of the second game into the gutter. Absolute embarrassment. So I yell out “Way to go Stevo!” He kinda laughs, then I drop the “Hit the damned headpin (my last name)!” Should have brought the house down. And it kinda did. Unfortunately … ok, screw that, fortunately, DJ brought the house down with the “even Kim (fun as hell chick that isn’t interested in guys who we were bowling last night) can score a chick, what’s your excuse Stevo!” blast after his spare attempt. That one definitely brought the house down. I laughed for a solid two minutes, and I was the butt of the joke. Which brings up funniest one liner number three, and I’ll let it slide: DJ b*tching about his “ass muscles are hurting”. I’m telling you, I can’t write these jokes, they just write themselves. Marriage is that good champ? (steve ducking the bowling ball headed his way). I love bowling league!)

Oh, Thia’s singing. Hang on, let me get some ear plugs and a refill on tonight’s firstcap, Svedka Vodka with Seagrams’s Tonic Water. (Both readily available at Royal Liquors at State Line and 103rd). Yes, Seagram’s makes tonic water. Color me surprised.

Surprisingly decent. That’s a fair way to put it. Surprisingly decent. And since this chick is going home tonight because she’s by far and away the worst singer left in the competition, let’s fast forward through the comments and get on to the puppy that might be leading this race three minutes from now.

Again, that could have been 110% worse. It was perfectly mediocre.

Next up, last week’s “Stevo Loved This Guy” contestant Jacob!

(Seriously, I thought his cover of “Alone” was genius. Every damned recapper in Bloggerville other than me hated it. The lesson? I watch this show under the influence of alcohol and/or a substance that is slowly yet surely (finally) becoming legalized across this great nation of ours. That, or I’m deaf).

Jacob taking on a huge risk, Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell’s “You’re All I Need To Get By”. This is a huge risk. Just like last week. I’m starting to like this guy. There’s six people in the last 11 I would have no problems winning at this point – Casey, Jacob, Lauren, Stefano, Pia, and James. And I’m good with Paul or Scotty as well. Wow, this just might be the strongest crop of contestants ever. Ok, done rambling.

Come on champ. You can do this.

(dusty voice) come on. Everyone’s doing it. Come on …

Jimmy notes that “there’s noone in the competition more fit to do Motown than Jacob”. Uuh, elephant in the room! Elephant in the room!

Here we go.

This opens incredibly. It’s not how I would have performed it … but it’s really good.

JLo is into it. This is phenomenally good. I am really digging this.

Wow. That was epic! Hang on, need to rewind this a time or two.

OK, to the judges. Or rather, the judges are going to him! Steven Tyler rushes the stage and gives a gigantic man hug to Jacob and starts screaming incoherently into the microphone! That’s the Steven Tyler I know and love! (In his defense? I’d have rushed the stage too, that was Top 20 of Idol History epic).

R Dawg: “The great Berry Gordy is sitting somewhere saying Oh My God!” Yup. Although I don’t think Randy realizes Mr. Gordy is usually in the house for these things.
Tyler: “you held it back, you milked it, and at the very end, you made it beautiful”
J Lo breathlessly following that up: “You made us beg you for those notes! Give it to me Jacob! Give it to me Jacob!”

I love this show.

(skuzzy dj at the “outback” voice)
Alright ladies and gentlemen. Now performing on the main stage: Lauren doing “You Keep Me Hanging On”.
Then: Stefano doing “Hello”. (Which I should probably note, on the advise of “The Voice of Reason”, I watched last night because, well, there’s no bigger Lionel Richie fan walking this planet than me. Other than maybe Lionel himself. So it’ll be a rewatch when we get to him).
And to open the second stage, Haley Scarnato! (Or as she’ll be known in a couple years, “Autumn Rain”).

OK, my random “so and so looks so much like so and so” comparison of the week – Diana Ross 1966 in this background video, and First Lady Michelle Obama in 2011 in any picture of her. Even the hairstyles are similar. Neat.

The second one? The chick coaching Lauren looks frighteningly like Danielle Staub from NJ Housewives. Excuse me while I go light myself on fire.

Aw, Lauren got her feelings hurt by the bad reviews last week. Come on chica! If I got down after every negative or hurtful or non-positive comment made about me, I’d be curled up in the fetal position sucking my thumb 24/7/365. Suck it up.

Jesus, she looks stunning. And she’s less than half my age. If this keeps up, Lawrence Taylor is not the only one registering for sex offender status soon. Reminds me, the EW recapper thinks she looks just like DJ Tanner in the “Full House” years. That’s three accurate look-alike comparisons in the last four paragraphs folks!

That was pretty solid until the ending. Then she tried to countrify it, and it tanked in a hurry as she missed a few notes.

Tyler: I think he liked it. And yes, he let out an absolutely dirty old man “yeah!” at the end.
J Lo: liked it.
R Dawg, who, if he was tatted up and shirtless, with those glasses, looks like Chris Brown, says “she’s ready”. Hopefully she’s more “in it to win it” than Mrs. Clinton was in 2008.

Next up, Stefano, doing Lionel Richie’s “Hello”. When Gregg texted me that he’d just performed this last night, I nearly threw up what I was drinking. I mean, “hello”! David Cook owns this song on this show! (And that reminds me, another night we need to have – Lionel Richie night! Who doesn’t want to see Paul spazzing out to “Dancin’ on the Ceiling”! Who doesn’t want to see Pia take on “Truly”, the best song he ever did. Who doesn’t want to see Lauren and Stefano making cute as they duet to “Endless Love”? And for the love of God, who doesn’t want to see what Jacob can do with “Crazy in Love (Oh No)”? Especially that last one, which is my favorite Lionel effort! Wait, let’s move on before rotten tomatoes start flying my way from the blogosphere.

Since I already watched this, I’m going to sum it up in 40 words. And those 40 words are:

If David Cook had never reinvented this song four years ago, that would have sounded great. Compared to David Cook’s version, that was worse than rancid. That was so uninspiring, we could have a shocker in the results Thursday night.

Moving on to the second stage … Haley everyone!

Stefano looks defeated in his backstage interview. As well he should. Look it champ, you’re still my favorite in this competition, and I think you’ll survive because Thia was that awful, and we haven’t seen Naima’s (probably) awful effort yet. But man, that was really underwhelming. You’re my favorite pony / puppy / rooster in this competition since Matt Giraud, who went out at least three weeks before he should have because of an awful performance on Rat Pack night. I’m getting damned sick and tired of the folks I root for crapping out third, fourth, or fifth every year. Let’s win this thing ok? Come back better next week.

With the toonumunt about to get underway again, unless the performance is epically awesome or epically awful, I’m just focusing on the song and skipping the puff piece intros and judges commentary. It’s much faster that way.

Apparently Haley 2.0 has learned from Haley 1.0! Holy Lord God almighty! A very short skirt, a very revealing shirt that’s so tight you halfway expect them to pop out if she attempts to move! And the hair strategically swept to the side to highlight her, uuh, “highlights”. I can’t speak for the (now) married half of the former couch duo, but the still single half gives it a rousing round of applause!

She hits the “hold me! Hold me! Hold me!” part and it’s just beautiful visually. Vocally, it’s worse than me singing karaoke at the Red Balloon after four 32oz Coors Lights. But visually it’s stunning.

She’s bottom three potential. But no way she’s going home after coming out to perform looking like that, there’s still way too many better-singers-yet-not-as-good-looking-as-Haley singers left in this competition.

Scotty up next, doing Stevie Wonder’s “For Once in My Life”. Let me channel my inner Joe Biden here and say that I hope Stevie enjoys watching this performance.

Very solid performance. It wasn’t his best effort, but for finally stepping outside of his comfort zone and doing something other than country music, it was a fine effort. At worst, he’s finishing fifth or sixth this year, and going the Kellie Pickler / Josh Gracin route and earning a nice contract in Nashville to record his niche. On the other hand, he did try to make it countrified, and it actually worked. He’ll be appearing on XM 16 and XM 17 in the next few months as a “hot new artist”.

The final four to go? Pia, Paul, Naima, and James. I was told by the lady I sit next to at work (who’s also an “Idol” addict) that James’ performance was her favorite of the night. So there you go.

Man, she is rapidly approaching Kimberly Caldwell on the “Hottest “Idol” Contestant Ever”-o-Meter. She looks absolutely beautiful tonight. (Which reminds me, I haven’t updated the “Steve Drool-o-Meter” in almost four years now. It’s long overdue to get adjusted. The last time that bad boy was updated, I was 30. Might need to take that into the shop and have it tinkered with here pretty soon, there’s some definitely drool-worthy females that have entered my life since the last time that bad boy was, uuh, metering).

She’s performing “All is Fair in Love” by Stevie Wonder.

Damn, there isn’t much sexier than the slit up the leg on a long dress. The nose stud, and that’s about it on the list. (See, who says Steve doesn’t have a freaky side! I dig the nose stud so friggin much. OK, back to the performance).

A pretty solid performance. Very slowed down and subdued, which granted the song is. I didn’t like it as much as last week’s “Where Do Broken Hearts Go”, but that was pretty solid. If a chick is gonna win this competition, it’s her or Lauren. The others are drawing dead.

(And there’s a damned solid probability that the first five of the top 13 to get booted will be chicks. Ashthon went first. Karen went last week. It’s gonna be Thia this week, unless Naima’s even worse in five minutes, and whichever one doesn’t screw up the worst this week, goes next week. Then Haley, just in time to gain summer employment at everyone’s favorite “steakhouse” when KU breaks for the semester. Conversely, other than Paul, can you see a guy dropping out in the next three weeks? I can’t).

Paul McDonald up next, covering Smokey Robinson’s “Tracks of My Tears”. If ever anyone should be the poster child for why you never, ever, ever opt for multiple plastic surgery operations on your face, Smokey’s gotta be the poster child right?

Well, at least he seems semi-coherent this week. I don’t think he pulled a wake and bake this morning. He looks at least somewhat there. And he’s starting out pretty solid to boot, no ridiculous vocal rifts or insane dancing yet.

Through chorus run one, it’s solid. Kind of a James Blunt type sound so far. I can dig it.

Oh sh*t, did he just say “I masturbated” instead of “I masqueraded”?!?! The smile he’s got grinning from ear to ear says yes. Hang on, let me rewind this …

Oh yeah. He definitely did NOT say “masqueraded”. Oh man, this is priceless.

Wow, that was really good. He’s definitely not going home.

I’m skipping Naima because (a) I can’t stand her, (b) she has no shot to win, and (c) I want to watch some basketball, so I gotta post this thing and be done with “Idol” from last night.

Our final contestant is James Durbin, who’s my dark horse to win this thing. He has a Blake Lewis / David Cook self confidence that I totally dig, and he’s perfectly content so far to sit back and let the crap, uuh, crap out, and let the big names so far establish a lead (that’s you Casey) before inevitably crashing back to earth.

He’s doing “Living for the City” by Stevie Wonder.

OK, it was good … but that wasn’t the best of the night. It was top four, top five, upper echelon, but not even close to Jacob.

Best of the night: Jacob, and nobody else was close.
Top three: Jacob, Paul, Pia.
Bottom three: Haley, Thia, Naima.
Going home: Thia.