Friday, August 23, 2013

an end of summer fake mailbag ...

"Let's turn it up loud!  Mix it up strong!
Lean it back slow, get your feel good on!
Cut 'em off short!  Roll it up tight!
Let it unwind tonight ...

Drop down the top on the Pontiac!
Wherever you wind up?  Is where the party's at!
Break out the bottle of Bacardi black,
And don't look back!

'Cause here's to the good times!
Here's to the sunshine!
Here's to the ice you float your beer in --
To the tops you pop, and the tan lines disappearing!

And oh my my, 
She's a little bit tipsy!
Leans in for a kiss --
She's stealing your heart just like a gypsy!

And there you are, just a drunken star,
Just falling in her eyes.
Here's to the good times!
While there's still time ..."


It's been a couple months.  Our accounting system at work is down today, and probably tomorrow.  (Update: down until Monday).  So I have hours to kill, and need something to do.  (Pause).  Do I?  (Pause).  Mr. Vice President?  Would you care to say something?

(vice president biden voice) Folks!  He's talking about a bag of mail!  A three letter word -- mail!

(good ol' jr voice) Good God, Mr. Vice President!  That's ... that's the Fake Mailbag's music!!!!!

As always, these may or may not be legitimate queries from readers who may or may not exist anywhere other than in the deepest, darkest corner of my brain.  (OK, that's a lie -- every person who may or may not have asked the questions about to appear below, is a real person.  And most of them, I would consider to be a friend, an acquaintance, a co-worker, a drinking buddy, a tailgating buddy, or an all around decent person.  Emphasis on "most".  There is a Buddy Bell query in here, after all.)

Topics covered today include: "Klassy" Kevin Keitzman's diatribe against the KC Star this week (and why I call him "Klassy"); the loony bin that is MSNBC; an epic "Tale of the Tape" that takes on a debate that needs to be had; the latest Big Brother 15 Power Poll; a call for more people to name their kids "Ralph"; my sneaky-good "wait, this matchup might have huge ramifications!" game for week one; my favorite (and least favorite) team names ... and my thoughts on what one denver broncos fan said their logo looks like to him.  (Trust me -- it's phenomenal.  I am beside myself with disgust and contempt for me, that I didn't make the analogy first.)


* "Please tell me you saw Greg Hall's epic takedown of Kevin Keitzman's meltdown in Tuesday's monologue?  This was epic!" -- Jasson W, Shawnee.

In the words of the late, great Senator Edward M. Kennedy (D-MA ... and the D can stand for "Democrat" or "Drunk"), "you can bet your ass" I read it ... and listened to it.  This, peoples and peepettes, is why Al Gore invented the internet -- so that people like Klassy Kevin Keitzman can be broadcast around the globe ... and people like Greg Hall can have their reaction to what was truly an inspirational thirty minutes of dialogue, read around the globe.

In case you missed it, here's the link to the audio.  (Mr. Hall's column is linked in the question.)  The high level details: Klassy Kevin had the Miguel Tejada suspension scoop first, and ran with it -- as a rumor -- late last week.  Then, according to the Klassy one, while he was "playing golf for three straight days with the legendary Jim Colbert", he claims that his phone blew up when the suspension hit the fan.  Which is all well and good -- Klassy Kevin broke the story, and deserves credit for it.  Should have been the end of it.

Except instead, Klassy Kev' took to Twitter to trash Royals beat writer Bob Dutton, and somehow drew Sam Mellinger into the fight as well, for "sitting on the story".  Both Mr. Dutton and Mr. Mellinger responded as you'd expect: with a witty putdown of Klassy KK's "journalism skills".  And cue the feud in five ... four ... three ...

* "I have a question kind of related to Jasson's, but not really.  Why do you always refer to Mr. Keitzman as "Klassy"?" -- Ashley G, Bonner Springs.

For three reasons:

(1) because both his first and last names begin with the letter K, it seems kind of stupid to spell classy with a C.  Classy Kevin Keitzman.  It just doesn't look right.  But Klassy Kevin Keitzman?  That's a winner.

(2) because if you just use the three K's, you get KKK.  And anytime you can crack a joke about the Klan ... well, you probably shouldn't do it, but I've never been noted for my class, taste, and decorum.  But mostly

(3) because Klassy Kevin is the biggest hypocrite, fraud, and phony working in the Kansas City media market.  He will bore you to tears with stories about how involved he is in his kid's lives as a father (note: I don't doubt this to be true, and kudos to Klassy Kev for that), and will refer constantly to conversations he and his wife have.  What he won't mention is the "conversation" with his wife that most of the sports radio fanbase in this town knows him for, involving a parked car on a Mission Hills street, a WHB intern, and a Prairie Village police officer noting "you can pull your pants up now, Mr. Keitzman".

Also, I had the distinct honor and privilege of playing blackjack next to the man once.  Depending on who you believe, either (KKK's story) he passed out after being in the heat at a KSU / Cal game eight hours earlier, or (common sense story) he passed out, slid out of his chair, and hit the floor after consuming about three too many cervezas. 

Far be it from me to judge someone for drinking too much -- I mean, I have slept for a few hours in my folks front yard before after a night of imbibing.  But I don't go on the air and portray myself to be a bastion of morality and family values. 

* "I trust you saw who got his weekday news show back?  MSNBC listened to you!" -- Brooke B, the District.

Oh hell yes I saw it!  Hang on, let me do this right.  ("the rock" voice) Finally, Ed Schultz has come back, to MSNBC prime time programming!!!!! 

I was furious when The Ed Show got dumped to Saturday afternoons for the utter idiocy that is Chris Hayes.  I irrationally love Ed Schultz, if only because (like me) he is willing to fight for organized labor wherever non-union folks seek to roll back the hard-gained advances labor has won.  There's far, far too few people in this country anymore, who understand the need for union labor.

* "Wait, aren't you a Republican?  Don't you despise Obama?  What the hell are you doing spending your evenings watching that lunatic fringe news network?" -- Cam C, Olathe.

First, I am not a Republican; I am a Clinton / Reagan Democrat.  I am a social liberal on every issue save one (abortion), and even that issue, despite my belief that all abortion is murder, regardless of when it occurs, I wouldn't overturn Roe v Wade.  I am a fiscal conservative, save for one program (Social Security).  And I guess I'm right down the middle on foreign policy.  Republican?  No.  But I feel less like a Democrat each passing day.

Second, I guess you could say I despise Mr. Obama; but I strongly dislike him because he's utterly incompetent.  It has nothing to do with what he stands for, or who he is, and in many regards, I have tremendous admiration for the man.  Like him or hate him, he has restored a level of dignity and grace to the Oval Office that hasn't been there since January 20, 1993.

And as for the real question asked ... uum, have you ever watched MSNBC?  It's hysterical.  It is laugh out loud hysterical.  You lead off with Ed at 4pm CT, and when Ed decides you aren't pro-union, it devolves quickly in a tasteless shouting match.  Then, at 5, it's Reverend Al for an hour.  Let that sink in -- a man who rose to prominence by (pick one) race-bating / making monthly appearances on "The Jerry Springer Show" / destroying the Queens DA office over bogus rape charges leveled by the mother of all liars, Tawana Brawley / by asking Mr. Bush "where my 40 acre and my mule?" at the 2004 DNC.  (Note: if you've never seen Reverend Al's speech in Boston at that convention, you have to search Youtube! to find it.  It is amongst the fifteen funniest minutes you will ever see at a political convention.  In fact, I'd argue the single worst thing about Mr. Obama being the party's nominee the last two elections, is that it took Reverend Al and Reverend Jackson off the speaking rotation.)

This fine, upstanding man of the cloth cannot say more than six words before devolving into ebonics and senseless jibberish.  It's comedic gold.

And it's not even close to the main event, a show I'd argue is the second funniest comedy on television today (behind "Parks and Rec"), "Hardball" with Chris Matthews.  Chris ... how to put this delicately ... Chris is like the crazy drunk uncle you loved as a kid, because he'd always do something to bring the room down with laughter, but now, that crazy drunk uncle has killed too many brain cells with the whiskey, and he just shouts out things for no reason other than it's what's on his mind.  There's no filter, if you will.  I mean, anytime your lead anchor watches a candidate talk, and shouts out "I felt this thrill going up my leg" as his reaction to it, you have to tune in.

Tune away for an hour after Mr. Matthews, because Chris Hayes is unwatchable*.  But come back for the one credible journalist on the network (Rachel Maddow) at 8, and "The West Wing" lead writer Lawrence O'Donnell** at 9, and ... you know what?  NBC should just decide "screw it" to programming, and just like four years ago, when they gave the 9pm hour every night to Jay Leno?  They should just air MSNBC news programs, save for the 7pm hour, when they could air a couple episodes of "Parks and Rec".  I guarantee you that lineup would at least beat Univision in the Nielsens, something NBC hasn't done in at least three years.

(*: why they didn't embrace what's inevitable, and put the awesome Ezra Klein on at 7, instead of the utterly unwatchable Chris Hayes, I have no idea.  Ezra could take down O'Reilly.)

(**: random trivia time!  In addition to being the main script writer -- especially once Aaron Sorkin left, Mr. O'Donnell played a character on the show as well.  He only appeared once, in what many (though not me) argue was "The West Wing"'s best episode ever.  Name that character (ideally without looking it up).  Answer coming up later.  Assuming I remembered I asked the question.)

* "We getting the epic NFL picks post soon?" -- John D, One Arrowhead Drive.

Yes.  I created the Excel sheet earlier today.

* "We going to be any good?" -- "Fat" Andy R, One Arrowhead Drive.

I believe the operative phrase, "there's nowhere to go but up", applies to this season.

* "I wouldn't bet on that." -- Buddy B, formerly of One Kauffman Way.

No Coach Baffoon, No Cassel, No Quinn, No (insert gigantic string of obscenities here) Eric Winston, No Stanford Routt.  There's nowhere to go but up.  Hell, this team might double it's 2012 win total after the conclusion of play in Week Five, and it's not ridiculous to think they could triple the 2012 win total by the time we head to our personal house of horrors, that decrepit stadium affectionately known as "The Ralph".  That wouldn't suck. 

Speaking of ...

* "Do you ever wonder why certain names never seem to get used anymore?  Seems like everyone is naming their kids something more trendy and cool, or even acceptable and bland.  Where are all the great names from the past?" -- Heath C, Harrisonville.

See, now these are the kind of questions and topics I obsess over.  That is a great inquiry.  For the record, the name that I wish would make a comeback is Ralph.  It just sounds neat.  "Ralph".  Maybe it's because when I hear the name "Ralph", I think of Ralph Wiggum, but when I hear "Ralph", I think fat, old dude smoking a unfiltered Vantage while pounding a case of Hamm's in some run down bar near the trailer park development in Turner.  And it's not just a hole in the wall bar with a not-quite neon sign erected in 1968 outside -- it calls itself a "lounge".  Oh, yeah -- and Ralph is hitting big time on the 305 pound cocktail waitress, who is puffing on a Viceroy while double fisting a couple Lowenbrau's.

(Tell me that isn't what you think of, when you hear the name "Ralph".  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  No -- I cannot be the only person who thinks that's what a Ralph looks like!  (Pause).  OK, I'll give you that -- instead of Ralph being in the sleazy bar by the trailer park development in Turner, he might be living his dream in a bar that may or may not be a mob front, off of 14th and Minnesota Avenue.  I'll concede that.

But -- but! -- Ralph is definitely in a "lounge".)

"How's this for frightening: you can make a legitimate, sincere, genuine argument that the best owner in the AFC West -- and it isn't even a close competition -- is the one man who voted to KEEP Scott Pioli last December: Clark Hunt." -- Joe T, Lee's Summit.

This was an actual question, addressed to me at work today.  And my answer is: holy crap, he's right!  Dean Spanos is a clueless dolt who doesn't care about winning, only fleecing the good residents of either San Diego or Los Angeles into building him a new stadium that will probably never host a playoff game before it's replaced twenty years from now.  Mark Davis ... al's son.  Enough said.  And the man "The Voice of Reason" once (appropriately) addressed to his face as a "classless jackass", patrick j. bowlen?  Sadly is not there anymore mentally.  Let that sink in Chiefs fans -- we have the division's most lucid, coherent, cognitive, bright, intelligent, reasonable owner.

And he voted to KEEP Scott Pioli as general manager eight months ago.

My head hurts.  Let's move on -- if only because I can't drink on the job.

* "Do you realize we're only two weeks away from the season debut of Jamboroo!  Come on!  You've gotta be geeked!  I know how much you love Drew Magary's work!" -- Anthony V, Overland Park.

Oh yeah!  I cannot wait for the return of Rolf the National Socialist Shark, the Watchability Ratings, the "Sunday Viewing For (Insert Worst NFL Team Here)" link, the classic "Simpsons" quote to close the column out, and of course, THE best part of the column, the Robert Evans MVP Watch! 

But until then, Mr. Magary is doing his "Why Your Team Sucks" annual profile again, for why your favorite team, is the NFL's worst.  Yesterday?  Was the profile I've been waiting for.  "Why Your Team Sucks: denver broncos".

Here, uncensored, are some of my favorite fan comments for why the denver broncos are the worst team in the NFL:

5. "In the mid-90s, my grandma was a coat check lady at a big hotel in downtown denver.  john elway was there one night.  When she returned his coat, he put $20 in her tip jar, and then fished out $18 in ones."

4. "Our winningest playoff QB since john "handjob" elway?  Tim motherf*cking Tebow."  (Note: technically this is true ... but jake "the fake" plummer also has one playoff win as a broncos quarterback, over (of all teams) the two-time defending champion New England Patriots in 2005.)

3. "We traded three draft picks to draft Tim Tebow!"

2. "The broncos are now without their two best defenders since (von) miller (is) suspended, and since they lost elvis dumervil because no one in the front office is sober enough to know how to work a f*cking fax machine."

And your winner:

1. "Our logo looks like a heaving penis."

(Admit it -- you're pulling up that dirty donkey right now ... and yup, "Tim" is right.  The denver broncos logo is a horribly misshaped penis, in desperate need of some man-scaping, that is not capable of properly ejaculating.) 

"Our logo looks like a heaving penis."  Considering that franchise is run by the biggest dick walking the planet, I really wish I'd thought of this first.  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  Ooh, good point, Mr. Non-Existant Stevo's Site Numero Dos editor.  Come December 1st (hee hee, he said "come"), is it "Pin the Tail on the Bronkey" ... or "Pin the Tail on the Heaving Penis”?  That’s a good, good question, Mr. Non-Existant Stevo’s Site Numero Dos editor.  A damned good question.

Hey, speaking of …

* “Bad week for the adult entertainment industry.” – Dusty J, KCK.

No fooling dude.  A production shutdown due to a positive HIV test, Playboy again rejecting the Tanning Mom’s (ninth?  tenth?) desire to pose for a centerfold, “The Canyons” a flop of historic proportions, and of course, a district court judge upholding Measure B, a prop passed last November that requires the male talent to wear a condom for every scene that is shot in California.  To say nothing of Anthony Weiner’s sex-subject doing a 180 and shooting a quick skin flick for Vivid.  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  Oh, please!  Of course!  Send his query through!  Yes, Mr. Reason?

* “Steve Hirsch.  Hugh Hefner.  It’s time.” – Gregg G, Bonner Springs.

You know what?  It is.  Cue the Nick Bakay voice – it’s time for this edition of the fake mailbag’s “Tale of the Tape”!!!!!

Here we go.  Seven individual categories pitting two porn magnates, to see who is truly the King of Simi Sleazy Valley.  Let’s do this!

1. Major contribution made to adult entertainment:

Hirsch: taking “celebrities” in their fourteenth minute of fame, and making a boatload of cash off that fifteenth minute.  Exploitation of the naïve, if you will. 

Hefner: founded (arguably) the magazine that revolutionized the nation’s attitude towards sexuality.  Exploitation of the young, drunk, and horny, if you will.

Advantage: push.  We are all winners here.

2. Low-rated, yet shockingly watchable, network television show based on their life’s work:

Hirsch: FOX’s “Skin” (2003), in which the late, great Ron Silver played a character based on Steve Hirsch.  Known for the famous line “His father is the DISTRICT ATTORNEY!”, and for introducing the nation to a then-unknown actress named Olivia Wilde (who played Silver’s daughter).

Hefner: NBC’s “The Playboy Club” (2011), in which the real-life sleazy Eddie Cibrian played a character loosely based on a young Hugh Hefner.  Known for horrific writing, no discernible plot, and no female characters even approaching the hotness that still is Olivia Wilde.  Also, the line “His father is the DISTRICT ATTORNEY!” was never used.

Advantage: Hirsch.  Believe it or not, I liked “Skin”.  A lot.  If FOX had paired it with its breakout hit from 2003 (“The OC”), they could have milked more than 8 episodes out of the run.

3. Sleazy fellow porn king that begs a comparison be drawn to:

Hirsch: Joe Francis, of “Girls Gone Wild” fame.

Hefner: no one.  He’s the great Mr. Hugh M. Hefner.

Advantage: Hefner.  I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: this “Tale of the Tape” could be something … REALLY special.

4. Breakout Blond Bombshell Who Owes Her Legendary Career To:

Hirsch: Jenna Jameson.  Although if anything, the inverse is probably true – Mr. Hirsch would probably be more useless than Chi Chi LaRue at this point, were it not for Ms. Jameson.

Hefner: Pam Anderson.  With an assist from Tim Allen.  

Advantage: push.  Again, we are all winners here.

5. Owns a House Known the World Over:

Hirsch: nope.

Hefner: yup.

Advantage: Hefner.

6. Reality TV Star Who Went Full-On “Bow Chicka Bow Wow, Chicka Bow Wow!” In a Skin Flick or Show Produced by Their Company:

Hirsch: Farrah Abraham, from “Teen Mom” on MTV, starring in “Back Door Teen Mom”, a gigantic hit in the adult entertainment business earlier this year.

Hefner: Ozzy Lusth, who “Survivor” fans will know well, starred in a memorable episode of “Foursome”*, a show on Playboy TV that puts four “random strangers” into a house (usually two girls, two guys) over a 48 hour period, and lets nature take its course. 

Advantage: Hirsch.  I really could have done without seeing Ozzy’s junk on multiple occasions, thank you very much.

So here we are.  Hirsch 2, Hefner 2, Push 2.  Since Push is never an option for the Deciding Question, we will have a winner.

7. Have I Ever Subscribed, On a Monthly Basis, to this Gentleman’s Television Network?

Hirsch: nope.

Hefner: hell yes.

Advantage – And Winner: by a 3-2-2 margin, the greatness that is Mr. Hugh M. Hefner!!!!  Thanks for playing everyone.  Now back to the (not necessarily legitimate) mail.

(*: other than (a) the Jesse Jane-hosted era of "Naughty Amateur Home Videos", the original "Night Calls" starring the legendary Juli Ashton and the stunning Tiffany Granath, and any segment of "Sexcetera" hosted by (a) Hoyt and Frank (the two greatest reporters in television history) or (b) Scott Potasnik, "Foursome" is Playboy TV's only watchable show.  (Pause).  What?  (Pause).  Oh, good point -- or any segment of "Sexcetera hosted by (c) Ralph Garmin.  See -- Ralph!  I'm telling you, that name SO needs to make a comeback!)

* “So … can we get a sneak peak at what you’re thinking for the NFL picks post?  Who you think is a playoff lock going in, who your sleeper team(s) are … you know, for the degenerate gamblers who read you, so that they won’t bet as you do your loyal readers?” – Damien J, Midtown.

Sure, what the hell.  I’ll give you one preview hint.

There is exactly one – and only one – week one game, that I think could swing a team’s entire season.  Win that week one matchup?  A 7-0 start is seriously in play.  Lose that week one matchup?  The season might spiral to top five pick territory. 

Or to put it another way – I’d argue there hasn’t been a swing game like this to open a season, since September 13, 2010.  A (I'd argue) grousely underrated team, playing at home, in prime time, facing a legitimate bona-fide Super Bowl contender that is poorly coached, routinely makes idiotic gaffes at the worst possible moments, and leaves its’ fans constantly thinking “well, he did win the division the last couple years, but … really?  THIS coach, THIS quarterback, can get us over the hump?”

How I finally pick that outcome … is gonna likely determine at least one AFC division champion (and potentially two), as well as potentially at least one AFC Wild Card spot.

That game?  Houston at San Diego, the second Monday nighter.  Stay up late kids.  They give you this thing called “PTO” for a reason.

* “No “Big Brother Power Poll” this week?  What the hell?” – Mary F, North KC.

Well, I had to wait until last night's HoH competition was over, since "Revive a Hamster" occurred.  Now that we know the rodent resurrected from the dead, plus our new (and I'd argue, shocking) HoH ... you ask, you receive.

Big Brother 15 Power Poll 6.0!
This week's theme: memorable NFL coach and player quotes.  Enjoy.

16. David (16, 16, 16, 16, 1).  "This is the NFL, which stands for "Not For Long" when you make horsesh*t calls like that!" -- former Oilers and Falcons coach Jerry Glanville.

15. Nick (15, 15, 15, 15, 8).  "We can't run.  We can't pass.  We can't stop the run.  We can't stop the pass.  We can't kick.  Other than that, we're just not a very good football team right now." -- former Jets and Bengals coach Bruce Coslet.

14. Jeremy (14, 14, 14, 14, 5).  "The shoulder surgery was a success.  The lobotomy failed." -- former Bears and Saints coach Mike Ditka, on quarterback Jim McMahon.

13. Kaitlin (13, 13, 13, 10, 13).  "If you aren't fired (up) with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm." -- former Packers and Redskins coach Vince Lombardi.

12. Howard (12, 9, 12, 13, 7).  "Well, I didn't fire him, and he didn't quit, so I guess he'll be back (next season)." -- Lions owner William Clay Ford Sr., on head coach Wayne "Rasputin" Fontes.  (In the interest of full disclosure, Wayne Fontes is one of my three favorite coaches of all time.)

11. Candice (11, 4, 7, 7, 6).  "The road to easy street goes through the sewer." -- former raiders coach john madden.

10. Helen (4, 3, 1, 3, 15).  "Well, what happened was, that second game, we got our asses kicked.  In the second half, we just totally got our asses kicked.  We couldn't do diddley poo offensively, we couldn't make a first down, we couldn't run the ball, we didn't try to run the ball, we couldn't complete a pass -- we sucked.  The second half, we sucked.  Every time they got the ball, they went down and got points.  We got our asses totally kicked in the second half, that's what it boiled down to.  It was a horsesh*t performance in the second half.  Horsesh*t.  I'm totally embarrassed and totally ashamed.  Coaching did a horrible job.  The players did a horrible job.  We got our asses kicked in that second half.  It sucked.  It stunk." -- former Saints and Colts coach Jim Mora Sr.

9. Amanda (7, 6, 11, 12, 3).  "It's a good idea.  I'm in favor of it." -- former Bucs coach John McKay, on his team's execution.

8. McCrae (6, 7, 8, 8, 14).  "Nobody in football should be called a genius.  A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -- former Redskins quarterback Joe Theismann.

7. Jessie (9, 12, 10, 6, 4).  "The most profitable type of writing?  Ransom notes." -- former Lions star (and star of TV's "Webster") Alex Karras.

6. Elissa (5, 10, 6, 9, 16; current HoH).  "If you're mad at your kid, you can either raise him to be a nose tackle, or send him out to play on the freeway.  It's about the same." -- former raiders star (and star of TV's "Saved By The Bell: The College Years") bob golic.

5. Spencer (8, 11, 9, 11, 12).  "We're not attempting to circumcise rules." -- former Steelers coach Bill Cowher.

4. Judd (10, 5, 2, 1, 10; "Revive a Hamster" 2013 Winner).  "Hello!  You play to win the game!  You play!  To win!  The game!" -- former Jets and Chiefs coach Herm Edwards.  (In the interest of full disclosure, Herm Edwards is one of my three favorite coaches of all time.)

3. GinaMarie (2, 8, 5, 5, 11).  "Men?  I want you to think of one word all season.  One word, and one word only: Super Bowl." -- former Oilers head coach Bill Peterson.

2. Andy (3, 2, 3, 4, 9).  "I don't know what he has.  A pulled groin.  A hip flexor.  I don't know.  A pulled something.  I never pulled anything.  You can't pull fat." -- former Jets and Bengals coach Bruce Coslet.

1. Aaryn (1, 1, 4, 2, 2).  "The offense serviced itself, the defense serviced itself." -- former Eagles, Rams, and Chiefs coach Dick Vermeil.

* “How epically awesome is it, that Aaryn has won HoH four times … and all four times, a minority will be evicted?  Aryan Nation, Represent!!!” – Stevo, South KC.

OK, fine – I asked myself that question.  But honestly?  I’m starting to root for this girl.  Sure, she’s a horrific racist who has a rude awakening awaiting for her when she leaves the house.  But I kinda wanna see her leave with the $500k at this point.  She’s tied for most HoH wins in the history of the show (at 4) … and we’re only halfway through the season.  Her racist rants have been so dramatic, that CBS has now placed a ten second disclaimer before every episode regarding her actions and antics. 

* “Rough week, huh?” – Stevo’s mom, Lenexa.

Well, let’s see. 

Tuesday was the nine year anniversary of one of my best friends growing up (pick one) driving head on into a retaining wall at 90mph in the rain while slightly intoxicated / killed himself.  Tuesday was also the day four more co-workers of mine were poop-canned, for no obvious reason in most cases, and the casualty list included my favorite person in my department.  Our accounting system is down until at least Monday, so I can’t get anything done.  The Royals are fading fast, the Chiefs are an offensive disaster so far (never good when you’re in a division with peyton manning and Phyllis Rivers), the back of my iPhone shattered when it was inadvertently dropped on the deck, which has screwed that thing up royally, my laptop has crashed, I don’t have a working motor vehicle, my first bus was twelve – TWELVE! – minutes delayed this morning on its’ first trip of the day, and so I had to shell out $35 for a cab to get to work – and share a cab with the crazy b*tch who works at the Salvation Army (and go figure, she stiffed me on a reimbursement of her half of the fare).

And then, of all people – of all people! – THIS popped into my inbox yesterday:


From: “The Voice of Reason”
To: Stevo
Re: dc

So, and I am terrified to ask … when are we going to do Don Chilito’s* for lunch?


I’d forgotten that, as a (fidelity ad voice) “why not?” moment of hilarity and punishment, I would do a Stevo’s Site Numero Dos … hang on, let me check this … wow – I agreed to do Stevo’s Site Numero Dos’ first ever restaurant review, and review the single worst restaurant in Johnson County, if not the entire five county metro, if not the entire quad state area, if not the entire nation west of the Mississippi.  (For the record, the single worst restaurant I’ve ever been to, was whatever the dumpy dive is inside Bluffs Run Casino in Council Bluffs.  It’s atrocious.  I literally had to extend my stay by two days, I could not stop puking and pooping.  Even Don Chilito’s is out of you within 12-24 hours.)

What a week.  What an atrocious, hellacious, god awful week.  

And I didn't even mention the one-year anniversary that really has me p*ssed off and angry, that just came and went.  What an atrocious, hellacious, beyond god awful week this was.

(*: seriously, click on the link.  There are at least five typos on the site (which, to be fair, I’m one of the world’s worst offenders at typos … but you don’t come here for the ambiance).  And look at the pictures of food!  Tell me you didn’t immediately clinch your ass in fear of Montezuma’s Revenge.  Also, three words: “trough.  of.  chips.”  When I think trough, I think the old urinals at The K and Arrowhead, that are still alive and well at The Brooksider.  I apologize in advance to the nice lady who cleans the second floor bathrooms at “company I work for” in advance – next Thursday or Friday, or the following week Tuesday or Wednesday, is going to be butt ass ugly in said bano.  Pun intended.)

* “How’d the fantasy draft go?” – Jeff S, suburbs of Omaha (last time I knew).

Shockingly well, I thought.  Although I’m still waiting to hear back from Cooksey regarding date night at the Browns game.

* “I'm still in utter shock team tito is going to field a semi-credible roster this season." -- Brent S, somewhere in incorporated Johnson County.

You're shocked?  I can't sell season tickets at the Pink Taco fast enough!

* "Where's Chadwick Pennington?" -- Everyone I Know, Wherever They Live.

I literally spent the last three rounds looking for him, to draft him.  The drafter deal had QBs ranked as low as 1,344th overall ... and no Chadwick Pennington.  

The Jets jersey in my closet is beyond p*ssed, at that development.

OK, let's bring this puppy / pony / rooster / rubber chicken to the finish line* ...

(*: before I forget: the answer to your trivia question many, many pages ago?  Lawrence O’Donnell played President Bartlet’s father, in the “Two Cathedrals” episode that many – most – fans of the show, rate as their favorite.  Mine is “2162 Votes”, but “Two Cathedrals” is pretty damned solid.)

* "I assume you saw who's going to be on "Survivor" this fall." -- Drew K, Shawnee.

I need Rupert in my life again, like I need a bullet in my brain.

* "And who's coming back to "Idol".  As a mentor!" -- Ashley K, Shawnee.

Yo, yo, yo dawg!  For you, for me ... sweet merciful Jesus, Randy Jackson as a mentor.  A mentor!  Randy Jackson, a man who can't get through five words without dropped the word "yo", "dawg", or "a'right", is going to be the benchmark that America's next potential pop superstar aspires to achieve!  Oy vey!  Dios con mio!

* “You need your own, Stevo-style gimmick, for the next fake mailbag, that you didn’t rip off from the Sports Guy or Mellinger.” – Katie H, Raytown.

I agree.  Let me think.  (Pause).  (Pause).  (Pause).  Hmm.  (Pause).  I honestly got nothing.

So, I’ll just throw together a top ten list, of some significance to me, to at least give an answer.

The Ten Remaining Days In the Year, I am Most Looking Forward To:

10. October 13.  Chiefs.  raiders.  Arrowhead.  Throw in the expected visit by our friends in South Dakota, and it should be a fun time.

9. September 26.  “Parks and Rec” returns for its sixth season.

8. Saturday.  My nieces third birthday party; Chiefs vs Coach Hobo and his Steelers; Joyce and Jerry’s annual pool party.  Busy day tomorrow.

7. October 29.  The Association season – the final for David Stern running my favorite sports league – tips off.

6. December 25.  You have to love Christmas. 

5. (Likely) October 6; (If Not Then) October 13.  Start of the bowling league.  Always one of my favorite days.

4. September 15.  Chiefs.  Cowboys.  Arrowhead.  Home opener.  And a damned decent chance the Red and Gold match last year’s season long win total, eight days into this season.

3. October 19.  Katie’s wedding.

2. December 1.  Chiefs.  broncos.  Arrowhead.  “The Day I Live For”.

1. December 31.  This hellhole of a year cannot end soon enough.

* "Wait -- you're looking forward to bowling league?  I mean, that's nice and all, and I love you for it -- teammates forever! -- but really?  You're looking forward to this?" -- Penny H, Liberty.

Hell yes I am!  Every day those two self-absorbed, arrogant, elitist, hypocritical asshats have to see me there?  Is a victory for me, and a defeat for them.

"Sorry!  But that's how I feel!"

"Deal with it!"

* “If you could change any one thing about your life right now, what would it be, and why?” – Chris N, Quality Hill.

Easy – I’d pack up and move back to the Metroplex.  Just leave the bullsh*t of the last year behind, and never look back.  Sadly, it wasn’t meant to be.  Although God knows I tried this year.

* “I’m guessing there’s no (Insert Ounce Here) Tailgate this summer … yet again.” – Megan K, City Market.

Yeah, it ain’t happening.  But if someone wants to make a sign for the home opener that says “560,001st Ounce Tailgate”, I’m not going to stop them.

* “560,001?  Come on!” – Jon T, Toronto.

Fine – 600,001.

* “Keep going.” – Tara W, Shawnee.

(sighing with disgust) Fine – 650,001.

* “Not even close.” – Stevo’s dad, Lenexa.

* “Zach Lowe’s awesome columns, ranking NBA franchises by team name.  Uuh, care to take on that task?” – Brett H, Harrisonville.

Uuh, no.  That seems even more time consuming than coming up with 50 plus fake … excuse me, “real” inquiries from my “real” readers.  (Wait – that last real didn’t need quotes, my bad.)

But I will give you my favorite, and least favorite, for the four major North American professional sports leagues, plus my favorite and least favorite, from my favorite defunct North American sports league.

MLB Favorite: Twins.  Love the casual reference to the Twin Cities, and the TC logo is sweet.

MLB Least Favorite: White Sox.  In the interest of full disclosure, my primary fantasy baseball team every year is named the Black Sox.  Much better team name.

NFL Favorite: Seahawks.  Don’t care for the team much, but I love the name.

NFL Least Favorite: broncos.  For purely hate-filled, self-centered reasons.

NHL Favorite: Blackhawks.  Double whammy here – it honors the Native American tribe driven from Illinois in the 1830s … and the commanding officer who led the drive against them in the Blackhawk War of 1832 – future President Abraham Lincoln (from Illinois, of course).

NHL Least Favorite: Stars.  Favorite franchise?  Yes.  But come on.  They should sell the naming rights to North Stars back to Minnesota, and rename themselves something that fits more with Texas.

NBA Favorite: 76ers.  The Independence City, the Spirit of 76, it’s just perfect.

NBA Least Favorite: Jazz.  In Utah?  Come on.  Sell the name back to New Orleans and adopt the Stars team name from the ABA days.  Or tie into the Mormon history that dominates the state, and become the Polygamists or the Teetotalers.

ABA Favorite: The Spirits of St. Louis.  This might honestly be the coolest team name in the history of sports.  My other six “I love these team names!” ABA franchises:

1. the Kentucky Colonels.  Were owned by John Y. Brown, future Boston Celtics owner, future Buffalo Braves turned San Diego Clippers owner … and the owner of Kentucky Fried Chicken.

2. the Minnesota Muskies.  Your first ABA champion.  They lasted exactly one season before moving to Miami.

3. the Virginia Squires.  The one regional franchise to make it to the end of the league, the logo is awesome – Thomas Jefferson dribbling a basketball across the state.  Really, really cool.

4. the San Diego Conquistadors.  Admit it – it sounds cool.  Oh, and the head coast of “The Q’s”, as they were known, in 1974?  Answer coming shortly*.

5. the San Diego Sails.  The team name prior to folding early in the ABA’s final season.  Another perfect match of location and name.

6. the Los Angeles Stars.  Another perfect match of location and name.

ABA Least Favorite: New York Nets.  The team name was picked to rhyme with Long Island’s other 1970s professional franchise, the Mets and Jets. 

(*: your trivia answer?  The Q’s coach in 1974 … was Wilt Chamberlain, who was fined on multiple occasions for coaching in sandals.  In the words of the great Anthony J. Bruno: “that’s an outrage!”)

* “Boxers or Briefs?” – Melissa C, Cleveland.

Boxers.  And I’m still waiting on an answer.

* "I have two months." -- Melissa C, Cleveland.

Seriously -- what’s there to think about?  I’m hot as hell, insanely witty, smarter (albeit barely) than a corpse, I’m 0 for 2013 in the “bow chicha bow wow, chicha bow wow” department, and I will not be spending the night before the game in a Holiday Inn Express.  I also am highly likely to be over the legal limit in (president obama voice) all 56 states and the District by the time the gates open at 8:30am.  What’s not to love?

(God, we’re getting close.)

* “Bring the family out to the Carnival, in town this week next to the Home Depot …” – from a flyer in my stack of mail on Wednesday.

We’re there.

Carnies invading south KC.  Like we don’t already have a sterling reputation for shadiness in this fine community …

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the third thursday thirteen ...

"So you're dancing on the ocean -- Running fast, along the sand. A spirit born, of earth and water -- Fire flying from your hand...