luckily there's a family guy ...

Since this started as a work thread, I'm taking it to the blog. My 5 favorite Family Guy episodes (so far).

I'm just going to post what I loved about the episodes. I'm sure I'll miss stuff, but so be it.

Thoughts? Suggestions? Ideas? There's a comments section for a reason. Or my email and IM is on the profile, drop me a line ...

5. "McBurgertown". The mustache thing is just great. "Look at those men. What style, what grace, what class!" "My mustache says that there is a 90% chance that I am poorly educated, that I keep upscale porn magazines in my coffee table" "Yes Chris, its a mustache kind of morning. In my jean jacket, my blue jeans ... I tell you what, after breakfast, I'm gonna take you down to the whorehouse, where you can lose your virginity. Would you like that? / Would I! That's a way better gift than that buff hamster you gave me last Christmas!"

The Freddie Mercury line. "Gay / My mustache does not make me gay! / Gay / Fine Brian. If my mustache makes me gay, then Freddie Mercury was gay / Freddie Mercury? The lead singer of Queen? He was incredibly gay!"

The opening to the episode, where Peter gets Cleveland's mail. "Grape Soda Quarterly. Orange Soda Daily. Mustache Aficionado".

Tying up Brian to replace his mustache. "Mustache fart".

And of course, gorging on the free burgers from McBurgertown and suffering the stroke. "Oh my God, Peter. How are you feeling? / Uuh, I've had better days Lois. I've had better days". "Lois, what the hell are you doing? You gave me my beer on my stroky side!" Driving the car into a tree as the kayakers float by "Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! / Stop Mocking Me!"

Then stumbling into the stem cell research facility, emerging perfectly healthy, "How long was I in there? 5 minutes. Why are we not funding this?!?!"

And capped off by the first appearance of Peter's lawyer, Mousy McDermott! "You've got to be kitten me!"

4. "Life of Brian". Brian wins the Rising Writers Contest and he, Peter and Lois head off to Cape Cod to get his award. "Peter! You're an hour late and you're stinking drunk! You know, Lois (hiccup), every time ... every time we come to (hiccup) one of these ... things ... you hide the key ... to the mini bar from me. (hiccup) But I found it. I found it!"

The next morning in Lois and Peter's hotel room. "Damn Nature! You Scary!"

And the best part, the kids get left with Herbert. "No offense Mr. Herbert, but I'm a 16 year old girl, and I don't need you / well no offense Meg, but you're a 16 year old girl, and I don't need you!" "Mr. Herbert, are you a pedophile?" "Rats! You mean I missed Boy Meets World for this?" "Ok, kids, its bath time! / Oh, I don't wanna take a bath / Not for you silly, for me! I need a strong young boy with good strong hands to rub me down, mmm hmm ..."

And Peter marrying Nathan Lane. "But the joke's on him Lois! Two men can't marry! / They can in this state Peter! / Oh. Well, in that case, we're registered at Target and Linens n Things".

Plus Brian finally giving in and trying to nail Lois. "Brian tried to have sex with me! / Oh. He bigger than me?"

"The Spirit of Massachusetts is the Spirit of America! The spirit of what's old and what's new! The Spirit of Massachusetts is the Spirit of America! The spirit of the red, white and blue!"

3. "I Dream of Jesus". "You know, these 50s diners used to be really popular in the 80s". "Oh look, Cleveland's here! (cue the dogs and firehoses) Oh, that takes me back." "Look at this menu kids. Burgers, fries, coke. You kids have no idea what I'm talking about".

"Oh yeah, Chris, polio used to be as big as AIDS. Only people with polio got to go to heaven".

"Well everyone's heard, about the word, because the bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word!"

"I'll let you have sex with my daughter / Which one is she / She's right ... there / OK, I'll do her. But you have to get her to scream and act like she doesn't want it / I think that can be arranged ..."

"Have the boys in the lab run tests on that / Sir, our tests confirm that the bird is equal to or greater than the word / Do it again!"

The Office Space beatdown of the "Surfin Bird" record, just awesome.

And then, of course, "Hi, I'm looking for "Surfin Bird" by the Trashmen / Sorry, a dog and a baby bought all 63 copies we had / Dammit, this is the 3rd used record store with that same excuse. Hey, don't I know you from somewhere? Did you go to North Providence High? Are you friends with Gary who owns the dry cleaners? Are you Jesus Christ?"

"OK, that's a nutty story, but I can top it. So me, Cleveland and Joe are just wrecked on Southern Comfort ..."

"I love you Jesus! / I love you too fella"

"I know the American people have turned on me and on this war, but I don't care. I don't answer to them. I answer to a higher power, the power of Jesus Christ / Oh really, because it just so happens that I have Jesus right here / I've heard what you said. How you ever got to be in charge of anything, I will never understand ..."

"Hey can you pick me up a Cracked Magazine? / Cracked Magazine? Really? Jesus Christ, unbelievable"

"I'd like to thank our guest Dave Coulier, season three of Full House now out on DVD. OK, our next guest died for our sins and now he's back on the scene ..."

The "O Little Town of Bethlehem" lounge version of the song as Jesus walks out, hysterical.

"To think that I, Peter Griffin, a man who just last week drew a picture of a smiley face on his testicles to make his son laugh ... well, I forget where I was going with this but yay, that's my buddy Jesus!"

"I don't know Lois, but I do know one thing -- none of this would have happened if someone hadn't stolen my mother f*cking Surfin Bird record!!!"

2. "PTV". The opening, with Peter laying down the red carpet for the Emmy's, Lois getting hacked and throwing down with him. "You like eating red carpet! Admit it, you like eating red carpet / I like eating red carpet! / say it again! / I like eating red carpet!" as Quagmire is listening outside the window, then he passes out and lets out a "giggity".

The "David Hyde Pierce trowser malfunction".

Stewie and Brian's sitcom, "Cheeky Bastard".

Quagmire's Ladies Man type call in show.

And of course, "Hi, I'm Peter Griffin. Tonight we're going to look back at all the partial nudity prime time TV used to offer. Remember this side boob? Check out this side boob. How about that side boob? That turn you on? Well it shouldn't. Because that's my side boob. Good night everyone!" Which leads into the greatest moment in Family Guy history:

(lois) the side boob hour?!?!
(peter) oh yes Lois. its the anchor of our Tuesday night prime time lineup.
(lois) Peter, you've left me no choice. I called the FCC.
(peter) oh yeah, I know all about the FCC ...

(cue the music! and yes, I am singing along ...)

They will clean up all your talking in a manner such as this
They will make you take a tinkle when you wanna take a piss
And they'll make you call fellatio a trowser friendly kiss

Here's the plain situation
There's no negotiation
With the fellas at the freaking FCC!

They're as stuffy as the stuffiest of special interest groups
Make a joke about your bowels and they order in the troops
When any baby with a brain could tell them everybody poops

Take a tip, take a lesson
You'll never win by messin
With the fellas at the freaking FCC!

And when you find yourself with some young sexy thing
You're gonna have to do her with your ding-a-ling
Cause you can't say penis

So they sent this little warning, they're prepared to do their worst
And they stuck it in your mailbox hoping you could be coerced
I can think of quite another place they should have stuck it first

They may just be neurotic!
Or possibly psychotic!
They're the fellas at the freaking FCC!!!

The FCC censorship of everything, from Peter's chin, to Lois getting angry, to Lois and Peter's most intimate moment. "No hip movement, no thrusting, no heavy breathing / How can anyone get off / done! Good night Lois".

And the finale, when Peter marches on the Capital and points out how all the monuments can be misconstrued. "The Washington Monument. Looks an awful lot like a penis, doesn't it? The Lincoln Memorial. You tell me he isn't taking a dump".

But my favorite episode ever ...

1. "No Meals on Wheels". You open with Mort borrowing a crucifix for some school project for his kid, and Peter getting angry because "Mort's always borrowing our stuff", so he creates a Scarejew. "Oh! Oh, its Hitler! Oh my God, protect Jon Stewart, he's our most precious natural resource!"

The trip to the 2nd chance store to find Peter a new suit. Stewie playing with the Raggedy Ann doll. "I'm not your whore! Its excess water weight you bastard! I'm sorry, I was only kidding! / Well, I guess I can play with it 3 weeks out of the month ..." When Peter comes upon the piece de resistance, the flannel pajamas with a flap in the back. "Good Lord! You mean I can be pooping and warm? No longer will I have to make a choice!"

The Yahtzee game. "You roll the dice, then flap your arms like this and yell Yahtzee! / And you'll do it? / Of course / Yahtzee! / Gay"

Then Peter discovers his magical powers by dragging his flannel pj's across the carpet. "Oh my God. I'm Jesus. Lois, I don't mean to sound the alarm but, I think I might be Jesus / Peter, that's a static shock caused by OW! / Kneel before Christ!"

Lois gets sick of it so she has Quagmire come over to rip up the carpeting. "Well I gotta be honest with you Lois, when you said you wanted your carpet ripped up I thought ... never mind, never mind, its fine, its fine. Hey, you want me to leave a little landing strip? / No, I want it all gone! / Alright! Goin Brazilian!"

Opening the restaurant with the coin they found that was worth $50,000. "Hey, do you take Discover? / Do we take Discover? Hey Lois, this guy wants to know if we take Discover card / Ha ha ha / Sir, your Discover card is of no value here. A Discover card says I cannot get a real credit card, because they approve anyone ... / You don't have to insult me, you can just decline to take the / I will insult you! And you will stand there and take it!"

Then the cripples roll in, as Joe and his buddies decide to make Big Pete's House of Munch their new hangout. "Oh, oh God, you know there's gonna be a disgrunted Vietnam Vet in there ... oh, there he is / I've seen some things man. Things."

So Peter is hacked that his "dream restaurant" has turned into a "cripple hangout", so he changes the rules to "no shoes, no shirt, no legs, no service". Joe and his fellow cripples gang up to attack, via the Crippletron 3000. After the ensuing battle and destruction ends, with an appearance by Ben Stiller's ears, Peter is confined to a wheelchair.

"No. Because I will be a dignified cripple!" And with those words, my favorite scene in Family Guy history unfolds to the music of Elton John's "I Guess That's Why They Call It the Blues", as Peter is carted around Quahog on the back of the wagon, pushed down the steps, chases his daughter but can't reach her because of his limitations, and ends with Peter bawling in frustration, and wheeling his way over to Joe's house to apologize. "Joe, until my accident I had no idea how hard you cripples had it. I've been in a wheelchair for 45 minutes ..."

Episode ends with two good friends making up, and an invite from Joe. "Hey, Bonnie and I are getting ready to watch Grey's Anatomy, if you'd like to join us / Gosh Joe that ... that sounds awful".

Man I love this show ...